Undergraduate / FSU essay; strength within [4]


No, please don't. Believe me, FSU admissions officers don't need to hear you explain Vires before launching into what you have to say. The problem with this essay is that, although the story is apt to the prompt, it is slight. You tell one anecdote from childhood. Is kicking a ball really hard the only example of strength you have from your whole life? Better to tell that story more briefly and then go on to illustrate how such strength has characterized your life thereafter.

Undergraduate / Fireflies - "Significant experience" essay [14]


Perfect. Let's see your revision.

Writing Feedback / What do you want most in a friend TOEFL [7]

Commas, periods, and semi-colons go inside quotation marks.

"Let's leave right now," I said, "because we will be late otherwise."
He liked to use Spanish slang, calling his friends "amigo."

The only time you put a punctuation mark outside of a quotation mark is when a question mark or explanation point reflects the sentiment of the writer rather than the speaker of a quote:

John asked, "where's the car?"
Did John say, "I can't find my car"?

Mary exclaimed, "I hate you!"
I can't believe that Mary so calmly said "I hate you"!

Undergraduate / "I say China, I say America" - UC Transfer Essay [4]


Is that really true? Has someone who actually knows advised you that English is a good major to choose if you want to go on to law school with the aim of studying international law? Please obtain truly expert advice about this.

Your work with China Daily is much more relevant to your intended major than your hope of ultimately studying law, so I would put that first.

As would be expected from someone who has interned as a proofreader, your writing is very strong and correct. Since you are capable of writing so vividly, I'd like to see you think about coming up with a stronger, more vivid, lead.

Writing Feedback / parents and relatives make the decisions [3]

From your user name, I'm assuming this is a TOEFL essay. If so, it is very strong for that purpose. Your grammar is generally good, with few punctuation errors. Your thesis and arguments are clear. However, in your introduction, you should summarize or preview the arguments you are going to make in the body of the paper. It would also be good if you did this again in your conclusion. It would be ideal to have one more argument, for a total of three rather than two.

Here are a few corrections and comments:

When we are in High school,W e make lots of friends in high school, and before graduation we start asking them what they are going to study in college and what job they want to work afterwards.

Their responses might have a significant influence on us and might lead us to studying something that we do not like.


Hmm... Does wanting the best for someone mean that one knows what will be best for them. My grandmother loved me, but did not have even a high school education. Was she really the best person to decide what I should study at college and where I should go to graduate school?

Writing Feedback / "Questioning authority" - GRE topic. [4]

This essay is not quite coherent enough for a GRE essay. You raise several issues associated with the question but do so in a disorganized manner rather than within a unified essay with a clear thesis. Did you outline before you started writing?

Undergraduate / My passion for kids - COMMON APP HOOK (+ESSAY) [4]


My grandfather' s westerns, my little sister' s laughs, and the clinking of pots in the kitchen slowly drew out of my mind as I put on my earphones.

The italicized phrase doesn't quite work. Did they fade? Wash away? Recede into the background?

Letters / A letter to congress - RE: Cash For Clunkers [8]

I got this information from a congressional staffer. Remember, many older citizens do not have computers or word processors in their homes. They donate to candidates and vote more frequently than do younger folks. The basic idea behind the ranking system, as it was explained to me, is that the greater the amount of time spent on the letter, the greater importance the issue is assumed to be to the writer. As those of us who still hand-write our personal correspondence know, it takes more time to hand-write than type a letter. But, of course, hand-written words can sometimes be misidentified. That's why I always type my correspondence to my representatives. But I am sure to send it as a real letter rather than as email.

Undergraduate / Music, Libra, Science - Common App// Topic of Choice [16]


Yes. That seems to be the consensus.

Undergraduate / I can't really think of any ideas on how to end this - FSU Addmissions essay. [5]


The problem here is that you are essentially recapitulating the prompt, forgetting that your readers know very well what Vires, Artes, and Mores are and that they have read hundreds, perhaps thousands, of essays on the topic. What Liebe rather unkindly expressed probably is, unfortunately, the sentiment an admissions officer would have upon reading your first paragraph. What you've got to do, instead, is jump right in with an anecdote or illustration of one of these virtues in your life.

Undergraduate / Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering [4]


Your essay is halfway over and you still haven't begun to answer the prompt, which is not why you like math or science but how you express your interest in those subjects.

Writing Feedback / What do you want most in a friend TOEFL [7]

We cannot score your essay for you, but I can tell you that this essay has a sound structure and has no glaring errors that would undermine your score. I'll give one minor correction and let other forum members suggest ways that you might have made this essay even stronger.

The second reason is that we can share everything with our "amigo," if we can trust him.

Writing Feedback / toefl: We live in a world of music - Why is it important to so many people? [13]

Punctuation marks (except for apostrophes and initial parentheses and quotation marks) must always be followed by spaces. Your prose is impenetrable to English readers otherwise. It'sasthoughallofyourwordsruntogether. Fix this problem and repost.

Undergraduate / Interests and aspirations in engineering (UMich essay prompt #2) [12]


"Awkward" is the word a composition instructor would write next to this sentence.

This was my first encounter with e ngineering and I was intrigue by how itthe translation ofp hysics theories into real-life applications.

Undergraduate / Music, Libra, Science - Common App// Topic of Choice [16]

Yes, absolutely, omit the paragraph in which you ramble on about astrology and your difficulty starting things. You needed to write that to get yourself started but, now that it's served its purpose, that paragraph has to go.

Undergraduate / Diabetes in my family - Common Application Essay [11]

I would cut some of the very detailed information you give about diabetes treatment in favor of some information showing that you know this is a disease with social as well as medical implications (more common among African Americans and people living in poverty; increasingly common due to changes in the standard American diet; exacerbated by lack of access to fresh produce and whole grains in lower-income neighborhoods). This would open the door for you to announce an intention to contribute to the solution by helping to reduce the incidence of diabetes (insofar as possible) by working for social change.

Writing Feedback / Travel Versus Saving Money (IELTS test prep essay) [4]

There are many advantages to gain by/from(?)oftravel.

In my opinion,However, one should rather save money than spend on travel, because...
here you should summarize the arguments you are going to make in the body of the essay.

Undergraduate / Fireflies - "Significant experience" essay [14]


I think this incident did cultivate such qualities, but it might be good,in the conclusion, to specify them, particularly in relation to the field you intend to study.

Writing Feedback / The Next Patient [7]


I'm loving this story up until "and I finally understand..." Is that really what you understood at the time, or is that just a convenient thing to say to end the narrative neatly? Think back, remember that moment, go deeper. What did you feel, exactly, when you snapped back and everything looked so vivid? What did you learn?

Undergraduate / Fireflies - "Significant experience" essay [14]


This is just beautiful. The whole story is beautiful. If I would change one thing it would be, "Fireflies are very strange creatures,." because that is a weak statement with which to begin a very strong conclusion.

Undergraduate / "My most profound interests; the universe" - UIUC Essay (#1 of 2) [16]


That's good.

Undergraduate / UT austin personal essay A, but to write about family is little cliche.. [8]


That's the prompt. So, start by brainstorming, which is coming up with as many different ideas as you can, without stopping to judge each one as it comes up. Once you've got several feasible possibilities, list a little bit about what you might say for each. If the choice still isn't clear, jot down the benefits and drawbacks of each topic.

Undergraduate / SOCCER PLAYER; U Connecticut - Person (profound effect) [5]

was
was
was
was
were
had
boiled (ok!)
were
dropped (ok!)
were
was
had
had
was

Those are the verbs with which you start this essay. Have a look at Sean's advice on strong verbs (link below), then revise, then repost.

Letters / A letter to congress - RE: Cash For Clunkers [8]


Here's a tip: Most members of congress don't read their mail at all. It is read by assistants, who tally up the opinions of writers, according to the time and effort put into the communication. Pre-fabricated post-cards and email messages count much less than personally worded email messages, which in turn count less than typed letters sent by post or -- even better -- hand-written letters.

Undergraduate / "My most profound interests; the universe" - UIUC Essay (#1 of 2) [16]


But, you see, that's what makes agm unique and why it should be the focus of the essay. Most children go to a planetarium, gape at the ceiling, go home, and forget all about it. But, every once in a while, a child is absolutely transfixed, with this moment marking the development of a lifelong interest in space. Similar childish moments of immediate affinity mark the careers of many artists and scientists in various fields.

Letters / 'working in teams' - admission to a PhD program - cover letter [5]

Right, either you want a pure cover letter that says nothing other than "here are my materials" or you want to highlight a few specific strengths of your application. The vague comments you have now are untrustworthy.

Undergraduate / "Difference challenges assumption" - UMich admission eassy [7]

I don't have any more to say. This is a very strong essay. Probably, you're not getting many comments because forum members aren't seeing problems to correct.

Essays / Differences between 'to cow' and 'to bull' - Examsmanship & the Liberal Arts [14]

Yes, tell us what sense you are able to make of the essay. Also, you can say what parts confuse you.

Essays / Analytical Assignment: use the images in the picture to show our culture [6]


If you think that the idea is too general, then stare at your picture until some other ideas come to you. Or free-write: Look at the picture and then just start writing, without worrying about grammar or structure, to see what ideas emerge.

Undergraduate / Personal Essay, "Life Defining moment" [8]

Ha, as usual, Sean said exactly what I was going to say. Fix those verbs, not only in the sample you posted but throughout the essay, and then post the whole thing here for feedback.

Writing Feedback / -- Writing from India (essay about holidays and truth) [29]


They were not offensive at all. I was just more interested in your other questions. And Sean has been away for the past few days.


I personally am interested in understanding the causes of violence and injustice in order to work towards greater peace and freedom for everybody. In my view, considering violence and inequality "inevitable" (as so many people, East and West, do) creates a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Television Versus Friends and family [13]


Yes, just as you state your thesis clearly in your conclusion, you should also do so in your introduction.

Writing Feedback / traditional foods vs international fast food (which is bad) [6]

If this is a timed TOEFL or IELTS essay, this is fine. (For a more substantial essay, you would want to cite some supporting evidence for your arguments, of which there is plenty.) Your grammar is generally good and your essay structure is exactly what they are looking for on those tests.

I notice you tend to like passive constructions: "it is generally acknowledged," "it is undeniable," "diverse contributing factors can be identified." That's okay for this kind of test, but you will want to use active voice whenever possible when striving to write most effectively in other settings.

Essays / Analytical Assignment: use the images in the picture to show our culture [6]

I like your idea. You do have a central argument: That the American public can be broken down into those three groups, as illustrated by the picture. Let's see a draft.

Undergraduate / Musical audition - common app 1 [4]


Unless the mothers were alarming in some way, the word you want is "worried." Don't use "fancy" words unless you are sure of their meaning.

Undergraduate / Common App - Topic of Your Choice (Willie Jack) [4]

I don't know how you feel about such issues but you might like to know that, among animal advocates, "companion animal" is used in lieu of "pet" and "guardian" in lieu of "owner." A growing number of cities have amended their codes to reflect the familial rather than property relationship that exists between dogs like Willie Jack and people like you.

Undergraduate / "Good morning, visitors!" [10]

I wonder about gender. Starting in puberty, girls start to downplay their skills and achievements while boys tend to exaggerate theirs.Not in all instances, of course, but sufficiently reliably that it shows up in measures of self-confidence, self-efficacy, etc. For example, upon getting a good outcome on a test or paper, boys will tend to attribute their success to their own efforts or characteristics while girls will tend to attribute their success to good luck.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Television Versus Friends and family [13]


Passive voice is hardly ever better. Every once in a while, one uses passive voice deliberately in order to create an effect or because the object of an action is the most important element of the sentence. But, for the most part, writers should strive to rid their prose of passive voice. Why, I wonder, were you thinking this was one of the times it would be better to use passive voice?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Television Versus Friends and family [13]

The structure will be fine for a TOEFL essay once you add a thesis statement to your introduction.


Instead, say "Television viewing isolates people from each other, damages communication among family members, and sows discord between groups of people."

Undergraduate / Sibling Rivalry/Cross-Country - UF Admission Essay [6]

I like the opening too, as well as the overall energy of the piece.

"Unique individual" is redundant.