Undergraduate / A businesswoman-to-be: GWU Supplement Essay: What attracted you to GWU? [3]


because my late grandfather was buried in SNC because of his service in Korean War (I feel that an active tone would be more powerful)


I get that you want to show your research, but I wouldn't go so far as to list the number, than to say that it's ranked highly. You don't know whether the school takes this number with pride or not. They might absolutely hate the ranking NW gives them since they could get higher ones elsewhere


I feel that present tense here would be more vivid, like "instills in me..."
also, fears of excitement? I don't think it's a valid combination, plus apprehension is already fear. I'd say "excitement and apprehension (for the unknown, to be cheesy).


Did you ever talk about studying abroad? If you don't want to explain this, I'd suggest dropping it.


Compared to your last sentence, this seems to be a very week finish. I'd suggest coming up with a stronger, at least more specific, description of what you hope to become through GWU education.

Overall, not much to critique upon, but there are certain elements you should change, even if it's right before deadline, in order to make your essay stronger.

good luck!

Undergraduate / "Social Science Department (Economics) - academic or intellectual curiosities? [8]


you're the one looking right? so your subject needs to be "I", not poor economy

at a quick glance, your essay seems well written, but too heavy with theory. I also aim at an economics major, but frankly, the information you provide in this essay are wayyyy too specialized. It's not bad, but I doubt the one reading your essay will be an economic major.

More importantly, it's not personal enough. Sure, big ideas are nice and it's great to know that you understand economics, but the reader doesn't understand YOU as a person. You need not to provide your knowledge on economics, but on WHY you like economics and WHY this discipline INTRIGUES you. (The prompt ask for curiosity, not everything you know about Econ)

It's nice to say that your interest for econ grew from your love for your country, but you're obviously still a LONG shot from being able to change your country's policies. Therefore, making this your ONLY reason to like economics seems very fluffy and "fake" in a sense. You really don't have any credibility as a senior to say that you'll save your country one day, and that's why you should be accepted.

My suggestions: You need to make WHY you like Econ as your main point, and incorporate an event/anecdote, something dramatic that happened to you that changed your perspective of econ or that made you realize your love for it. Your essay has to touch the reader's heart and convince the admin that you truly love econ. This can't be done through sprouting big theories about econ, but only through a truthful and down to earth story.

Personally, I wrote how I at first thought Econ as a social studies course like history, which I absolutely loath, but realized how this is a very broad subject and incorporates many of the things I liked, math and such. Also, as an immigrant who "earned" many interests and talents, I feel that Econ, a multifaceted subject, was perfect for me.

I'm not saying that that's what you should do, but you really need to show the reader that you really like econ through any means necessary.

Student Talk / Where to get more free SAT score reports from? [5]


yea, but questions about college are fine right? We're all trying to learn more about the college process here :D

Undergraduate / "Social Science Department (Economics) - academic or intellectual curiosities? [8]

hmm...i see

I'd say no, the conversation isn't important. Actually, it confuses the reader and deviates from your point. If you absolutely want to put some conversations in it, make it AT MOST 1 back and forth, like the teacher saying something and you respond AT MOST. I'd suggest you reflecting on something the teacher said, which will be a lot clearer

Now, I don't think that the start of your essay, in which you described how you at first hated the class because the teacher was bad, then got a tutor and improved, which made you interested in Econ is the right way of going about the problem. The admin might think that you are a student who, if the teacher's bad, isn't able to go back on track unless with a good tutor, which isn't always available in college, see what I mean?

Also, I don't think that you really need to say that you failed to understand Econ first to like it. I mean, your focus isn't how you didn't like Econ initially, but why YOU LIKED econ. Therefore, I'd start by saying something in the line of Econ is a first love or something cheesy, but attention catching, and keep going on why you liked Econ.

Now, where does the lawyer and international interest comes from? I mean, you spent the first 90% of your essay talking about Econ and Math, and suddenly, you say: well, I like those subjects, but I'd rather become a lawyer...it's not really what you're trying to do here.

My suggestion: Find your focus. Do you want to talk about how you love Econ? or Math? or International relations and Law?
Once you do that, write your essay around this idea and this idea ONLY. You could use your other interest to complement your main interest. E.g. I like Econ partly because it includes a lot of Math, and I've always loved Math. I find Econ a very broad discipline that includes many fascinating subjects... (that's pretty much how I wrote my Cornell supplement)

but in any case, this essay is at best confusing. You're trying to picture the entirety of your person here, which isn't always the best way. Try to limit your interest to 1 thing, and use your life experiences/other interests to support it.

Student Talk / Where to get more free SAT score reports from? [5]


lol NO WAY! I'm pretty sure you can't get more free ones cuz I had to pay $9.5 per test for ALL my college apps.

You can get 4 free ones within 9 days of the test, as you said, but no more. Sorry, but gotta pay.

Undergraduate / "Social Science Department (Economics) - academic or intellectual curiosities? [8]

Sorry, I'm really confused on what your assignment is. Is it supposed to be an essay? if so, what is the prompt?

or is it a real conversation?

I'd like to get a bit more info before criticizing your post so that I don't completely misunderstand what you're trying to accomplish.

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]


read the guidelines. if you want to give a compliment, at least say why. Things like: this essay is good, is really not useful and show that you've given absolutely no thought. Think of it as spamming.


i've got nothing against you. I can't even suspend you as a matter of fact. but i'm warning you in case you keep doing this and actually get suspended, like many others.

Undergraduate / Auto-biography and serious advice [2]


lol, why so serious?


haha how can you expect to remain anonymous when you've posted your name?


e.g, you can take this out. It's absolutely impersonal and very unsupported. Instead, jump to your story and HOW you developed these qualities.


on my free time?


drew what? paint? sketch? not that it matters, but it gives insight on your life, which is nice


i'd take this out, you said enough.

intro: you've used 3 "love"s...sounds like frivolous to me. Also, you don't provide a clear enough thesis. Do you want to talk about academics/learning, or arts?


lol that's really not necessary. Plus, it's US the land of opp.


don't say generic statements. jump to what exactly have you done instead of wasting words summarizing


by myself and easily interacted
(btw no offense, but this is not really a huge accomplishment. all immigrants go through this. I'm not discrediting your efforts, but just to make sure that you understand that this does NOT make you unique)

avoid you's

seriously, your first body paragraph is a bunch of unecessary details in which the reader learns only 1 thing about you: you learn quickly, and you "claim" to love learning. The reader will be very skeptical if you don't provide specific examples.


you have a resume for naming your sports


once again, that's what resume is for


you prob want to explain what it is to the admin, not just to the EF people

ok, i pretty much skimmed over the rest. My overall opinion on this is that it is just empty talk, you declaring yourself as a person who loves to learn everything and join every club. However, a big problem is that you don't provide events about your life. You list things, but don't go deep in them, which makes them sound like fluff.

I know that the prompt might mislead you in thinking that it's the way to go, but let me tell you that many people will do the same as you, which isn't helping at all in the differentiation process. You need to be different to stand out, and you won't do it with this impersonal and fact-filled essay.

Here's my suggestion: take two or three things that really matters to you: music, sports, and school let's say. find 1 event in each that "show", not "tell" the reader that you are a very persistent and open person. Instead of: I play this and this and be done with it, say: My piano teacher used to call me clumsy, but after months of practice, I finally made to this this competition and earned her approval (of course, it has to be longer than that). try to "touch" the reader and incite some emotional response.

Then, in your conclusion, summarize your qualities that you've shown through the paragraphs, and say how you'll use these in the IB program (btw, show that you know what this program is, and say SPECIFICALLY how you will use your qualities in different aspects of the program). avoid generic statements like


or


and say what you actually plan to do.

good luck.

Undergraduate / U Michigan-Academic interest. Why Psychology? [4]


people's

the grammar looks good, syntax seems without huge flaw.

Now, I think that you should reorganize your essay in a way that's more powerful so that it could leave the reader with something memorable. For instance, your story of your friend is misplaced. You start by talking very generically about your interest, then moved to passion, and although you state that you feeling helpless nourished your passion...it kind of feels out of place and not connecting with your interest.

I think that your realization of your own helplessness face to a deep psychology problem should be your main point, and your interest could have grown from that. What if you started with your friend's story to "hit" the reader, then work your way to how your interest furthered from the realization of you being helpless? That way, you could incorporate your views on specific parts of psychology and show the admin that you know your stuff. As it is, the admin wonders: so that student simply "realized" his/her powerlessness and did nothing?

You could say that as a result of you being powerless, you began to develop a passion/curiosity for psychology and realized that it goes along with what you were always interested in, which is to observe people and understand and blabla. I feel that this way, the reader has a clearer idea of where your passion comes from.

Also, your comments on


really comes from no where. Science? Humanities? where do you talk about these? unless you mention them before, you shouldn't add them in the conclusion simply to tell the reader how varied your interests are. Either explain it in your body paragraphs, or drop these unsupported statements.


Pursuit of happiness? this sounds like a big plan, but you don't actually talk about pursuit of happiness anywhere else. You mention how you want to cure people, but that's a long way from pursuit of happiness.

Overall, it's a good story, but I think that restructuring it will make it have more impact. Also, try to avoid generic and unsupported statements simply for the sake of words or finishing the story.

Graduate / MBA Essay on Leadership through mentorship [4]


you probably wouldn't want to discredit yourself here, even if it's for modesty purpose. Using a word that qualifies your skills without sounding arrogant would be much stronger


great! shows your understanding of business management


if your one here refers to lecture, it will not be understood because of the parentheses. I suggest that you explicitly state what's "one" here.


unless these different types of sessions are very common and obvious (and I'm just ignorant) you should say what they are. True, you mentioned what they do, but try to incorporate how they work also...unless you talk about them later


the members'


you prob want to tone down on the extremely...makes you sound like a complete socialpath, even though you clearly say that you changed...extremely instills doubt


you already used also in the previous sentence. You prob want to put Furthermore or another transition


The biggest hurdle, however, was to maintain...
didn't you already say that the most significant hurdle was lack of confidence? you might want to say instead:
having established confidence in my group, I noticed that the biggest hurdle that remained was to maintain...


are those workloads? manager at least sounds more like a person to me, not the job. management maybe?


take out the through, once is enough.


the number of members increased to sixty


These results


a bit of a structural problem here. I don't get what you mean.


You did a very good job in not engaging the reader previously. don't start now. avoid you's


use "the change" or "the difference" instead of "it"


I don't really get where this comes from. You didn't say that you did the whole thing for business right? Wasn't it more like a personal challenge? and what kind of business?


now, you're just pushing the idea of change way too much at the end. You already talked about being the change, so you should come up with a more meaningful end, like how this experience changed you, instead of keep reminding the reader of how big a difference you made.

Overall, very nice structure, clear theme, and you covered pretty much everything. You had a lot of business insight throughout, even though your club didn't have to do with business directly. You covered enough of that that you don't need the "if business demands it" to stay on topic. This is a meaningful achievement and I really think that you pulled off giving it the meaning it deserves. There's a few minor errors here and there, but the main ideas were great.

Undergraduate / "life can change in an instant" - Trying to shorten my Penn State essay [3]


Didn't you say that in the first paragraph already?


ranging from...to eating (btw, you shouldn't do parallel structure with a noun (variety) and a progressive verb (eating)).


I don't get why you chose to talk about career/internships over clubs and other stuff if you want to focus on "sharing new experiences with astute individuals in the Uni", since you're more likely to go out for internships, not within the school


I noticed the link to food, but this comes from no where. I'd rather talk about your second part, on the career opportunities or whatever you choose to focus on


honorable makes you sound like a...sycophant. I'd choose a word that sound less like "awesome" and more meaningful.
also, it's Penn State University, not Pennsylvania U (if i'm wrong here, ignore me). It would be confused with U of Penn

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]


I never stated that, I simply suggested writing about a personal experience, not that the essay wasn't personal. It could be better structured.


This is not helping the essays at all. Watch out or you might get suspended.

Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]

glad I could help, and I hope that you get accepted by MIT and your other schools!

Essays / Whats My New Years Resolution and Why? [6]


how does this go with you trying trying now things? or make change?
perhaps say that you hope to become more active in school events? in your community?

i'd suggest that you give examples of how you'd change things and try novelties. You need to be more specific about your resolutions becuase you specific said that you "decided to think of resolutions" you actually will do, but what you've give are very vague topics.

Essays / Is it better if I gear my essay explicitly towards why I wanted to study engineering? [8]


haha definitely.


I agree with this as well, but I do point out that a clear plan...could be faked/misleading. For example, a student could say that want to go do business and have very detailed plans, but he/she could have never taken a business class, and don't know anything about it.

What troubles me is determining my major. I think I know what I'll do, yet haven't had any thorough training in that discipline. Good thing that we're not bounded by our declaration of major!

Undergraduate / UChicago extended essay,free topic about two sides of coin and medal))) [4]


this essay WAS creative; it simply lacked focus. The idea, however, was clever and pretty good. I'm sorry if I made you feel that your essay was bad; it was definitely not my intention, nor what I think of your essay.

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

so what IS your intro? without that, it's hard to give you further information. we need to know YOUR THESIS to be able to help you with the body paragraphs.

oh, and could you create a new thread for that matter? we don't want to spam this thread do we?

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

imn0
nice detail dude

Undergraduate / UChicago extended essay,free topic about two sides of coin and medal))) [4]

i wrote this as i go through your essay, so my opinion will change from time to time...so please read the entire thing before countering any impression i have on your essay

So your self given prompt is


? if so, do you really answer it? do you ever talk about whether a medal has 2 sides, and what they are?

in any case, simply focusing on the quality of the essay (not considering grammatical mistakes), your essay seems convoluted. assuming that you do answer the prompt (i suggest you coming up with a prompt that "fits" better your essay), it lacks a clear thesis.

your intro states that you wanted that medal, and your 1st body declares how you realized that


. at that point, it's expected that you keep running with the idea that this medal didn't provide you with the pleasure you supposed because of the sacrifices and such

however, your third paragraph talks about how the medal was actually worth something since it was the zenith of your efforts.

ok, upon reading your conclusion, i think i get your point: the medal has its downsides, and its upsides. however, if that is your thesis, then you need not to say in the second paragraph that the medal meant nothing, because if it did, then there wouldn't be any point to your essay, but whether the medal was worth all the trouble.

i'd take out the michael phelps part. it distracts the reader from your main point.

overall, i think that you really do need more focus. i'd suggest:
2nd paragraph focus on your sacrifices (was the medal worth it?)
3rd paragraph focus on the upsides
conclusion, the medal told the story of your life, and was definitely worth it.
(that's why i'd change the prompt...you don't want a prompt that requires qualification, like qualifying both sides of the medal, but whether the medal impacted you positively)

when you write about the downsides and upsides, talk in specific. Don't try to go all over the place and list all the things you could think of. instead talk about 1 or 2 or 3 specific events that were really significant to you that illustrate your sacrifice or your gain; also, what confuses me is when you try to explain the upsides with the downsides, like that despite the fact the you lost friends (downside), you made new ones. i'd try coming up with more significant examples, specific to the IMO competitions. after all, you could lose friends because of anything, not necessarily math competitions.

Undergraduate / Permanent Tattoos-Supplement Essay [3]

It's very nicely written and captivating, but I don't think it answers the prompt of "


"

Where do you talk about your values or how you approach to world?

Your essay would be a very nice introduction to a potential medical paper on that skin problem, or your own biography, but not as a college essay trying to convince the admin that YOU'RE THE RIGHT STUDENT for princeton.

2 distinct problems:
1. We don't find your main opinion on your rash until the end.
2. Your final opinion on your rash is...dark and inconclusive. You talk about how you spent 8 years, but without result, and you seemed to be willing to give up, which isn't exactly the kind of attitude to put in a college essay.

potential solutions:
1. You could make it much more personal and focused if you spent 1 body paragraph on the reactions you get for this disease, and how you tried to hide it in the beginning, but ultimately realized that it's futile to hide what's part of you, even if it's a disease.

2. You could talk about how this rash made you realize that the world is a painful world and things happen without reason, yet you keep trying to figure out a solution and potentially help others.

Make your essay revolve around 1 central theme, and realize that your focus isn't the rash, but how that changed your view, or defined your value. Answer the prompt!

Undergraduate / designing innovative aircrafts -which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? [9]


my interest grew (or evolved).
(grew how? you'd have to explain, or simply take this sentence out)


is the perfect learning place for me maybe?


my dedication? (find a synonym of commitment since you already used it)


parallel structure mistake (to excellence and to improve, see what i mean?)
also, I'd take this out because you'd have to explain what you mean by improve society


..a bit pretentious here? huge...is not the right word. significant? lasting?


what discipline? you talk about the department, but understand that a department has A LOT of disciplines, or majors


this echoes your improve society point, but you'd have to explain...

Overall, it's not a bad essay, but beware that you make a lot of big statements without support. How exactly are you going to change the world? plans? goals? (more specific than "develop new technologies", you could talk about how/what kind of technologies/new aircrafts you could design, and how that will impact the world)

about your worries of exceeding the word limit, you can cut the essay a lot by taking out all the big talk and unecessary details (I would stay up late to see documentaries on TV.) unless they are really important to your thesis.

Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]


the first part has a really awkward structure, do you mean "I hope that my country will one day associated not with bad things, but with an economic...?"


getting the highest education, coming back to my country, and contributing (parallel structure, and comma (',') before and.

Hope that you see these minor corrections in time. This essay is well written, and the reader feels your passion for your country as well as your dreams. good job!

Undergraduate / Drawing and painting - MIT pleasure essay [9]

mmmm so what is the thing you talk about?

Undergraduate / Drawing and painting - MIT pleasure essay [9]

Sorry, i have NO IDEA what you meant in this essay. Maybe because I lack artistic knowledge...still have to work on that haha

It's very well written, but I can't really give my humble opinion until I understand what it's about :D

Essays / Is it better if I gear my essay explicitly towards why I wanted to study engineering? [8]


I wouldn't go this far, they deny plenty of clear minded students and don't feel bad about it at all haha. but you are DEFINITELY right in that admins prefer students with clear plans (and realistic) about their future.

Undergraduate / 2 short essays: Why Chicago & My favourite film. [6]


yea, no need to talk about major. I didn't and i still got in :D

i think your y chicago essay covers your mentality, but the first and second paragraph doesn't link explicitly until the last sentence (pretty clever :D). Not that they need to link, it would be better in my humble opinion.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / designing innovative aircrafts -which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? [9]


to what?


although i still think it's awkward, i guess you could leave it there


what is the driving force? the commitment? the program itself? be more specific! (that's what i meant in the first place)

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]


haha, totally agree. but you gotta admit that not everyone is able to do that, and those who are...become writers of great classics

Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]

sorry for the late response


rural? like countryside vs urban?


then, write your essay around it! instead of starting with the idea of how poor your country is, you could emphasize on the plight of your family and make it truly personal, then talk about how you got these dreams as a child, and how these dreams evolved as you grew and did all this stuff.

Undergraduate / MIT short answer: something you do for the pleasure of it [8]

alejxa
did you apply early? if so, what's the decision?

Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]


it's


why I couldn't get the latest Barbie doll (that saves you a couple of words!)


to reuse last year's sport shoes (what! you change your shoes every year? How is that poor? I suggest you come up with a better example of poverty lol)


not sure what you mean


Standing on the stage, being praised for the seventh place my team got, I...


this quote is awkward...you simply repeat what you wrote before. So I'd take the sentence "I am here because I dreamt high", or this one.


now, I dream being the greatest? what you have here doesn't make sense.


I suggest you take out the dream biggest part and simply put this:
Now, I dream about getting the highest education so that I could come back to my country and contribute (somehow? Say HOW!!! with my future math knowledge?) to make it a better place.

Overall, it's a completely different essay, and I do praise you for your persistence.

However, the theme of your new essay is unclear.
you first talk about poverty, then how hard work = compensation, then how you are influence by this philosophy and went all out for math, and finally, how you should dream big. Although it answers the prompt, I feel that it needs better connections between ideas.

Find your main point. Whether it's your dad's philosophy of hard work, or your view to dream big, you need to write the rest of your essay according to it. it just needs a few minor structural changes.

Undergraduate / MIT short answer: something you do for the pleasure of it [8]


I don't think that adding random names would make it more personal to the reader...but that might just be me.

Undergraduate / Common App personal essay option#1-My Greatest Personal Failure--Feedback [18]

the kind of further condensation that I would suggest:


The achievement sort of made me a hero at school and my seniors gave me important roles... (If you are the hero, it's implied that everyone recognized you. Get what I mean?)


you spend 3 sentences discussing about someone else...you could simply say that the previous SPL was a legend and loved by the principle without getting in the details. Remember, the essay is about you.


you don't need "too"


I still don't understand. If you are in your principle's bad books in 8th grade, how did you become SPL in 10th grade? there are some time conflicts here...


did that happen in 8th or 10th grade?
before or after SPL?


misuse of introspected...introspected myself? or simply "reflected"?


The fact that


I need to make decisions, (i think that's what you mean right?)

again, although much better than last time, it's still very long...I think it's because you cut sentences which could be merged to read smoother. For example:


I sought the advice of some of my classmates, who, unfortunately, wanted (this way, you save repeating "these students)


The school had a warden who would...teachers, but I didn't give him much notice until he became hated by my group. (this saves you "went on as usual" (which is very awkward) and "this particular person))

Try to condense your sentences to avoid repetitions of subjects, which in the long run REALLY distract the reader.

Finally, I just want to reemphasize that I am really confused by your timeline.

Student Talk / Sending SAT subject tests - I do not wish to let the college to see the score [17]


you have to do both, most colleges (if not all) require that you send official copies of your scores. else you could technically put 2400 lol

Essays / Is it better if I gear my essay explicitly towards why I wanted to study engineering? [8]

well, if engineering truly reflects who you are, write about it! But don't feel obliged to cover your major.

Many college supplements will ask you for it anyways.

btw, if you haven't started the essay, start NOW!! Submitting late WILL jeopardize your chances of getting in.

Undergraduate / Common App personal essay option#1-My Greatest Personal Failure--Feedback [18]


true, but when everyone's doing the same thing...it gets old.

Undergraduate / Common App personal essay option#1-My Greatest Personal Failure--Feedback [18]


9th grade?


math?


Since then, I was part of these (which? specify!) committees.


There is perfectly fine


, and yet. Or . Yet


no need for the

(i'm confused, you were made SPL of the school in tenth grade, so why are you going back in time?)


mmm... not sure you would put this in. you said already that you were very involved with the stupid things your group were doing, so why emphasize that you're egoistic?

----
overall, the essay reads...very very long. I suggest that you put more paragraphs and that you CUT unnecessary details.

Like


you already (and will later) talk about how leadership isn't about 1 person or 1 idea, so no need for this.

And combine your sentences. instead of saying


you could've said Leadership is not about getting recognition, which is simply a by-product (not sure if that's what you call it) when the job is done properly.

Also, don't capitalize your leadership and principles. Unless they are personifications/specific titles (I don't think principle fall into that category, better check) you don't capitalize them.

anyway, definitely come up with a shorter and less dense essay. It's...tedious to read since you repeat a lot.

Undergraduate / 'Hardware issues' - MIT Creativity Essay (a time you used your creativity) [5]


it sounds awkward, although there's nothing wrong syntax-wise with this sentence. It's just that juxtaposing support with computer...seems awkward, maybe it's just me tho.

your focus seemed to be more on the update and the explaining more than on the creation of the software. I'm not sure if that's what you want...isn't the creation the actual creativity part?

But this essay is indeed strong as it is. It conveys your particular way of thinking.

Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]


capitalize a subject only when it's a specific class, like Math 101. In this case, i believe it should be minuscule 'm'


same with all your other math's


yes, you might wanna shorten it to less than 250, it shows that you know how to confine yourself and follow instructions

overall, it's creative, but you don't really answer the prompt. It asks for how your world had shaped your aspiration and dreams, but you only vaguely mention that. You talked about the country part, yet what is the problem? If there are a lot of people with capacity, then why are you needed?

There's only 2 things i got out of your essay: you like math (and did a lot of things concerning it), and your country seemed underdeveloped.

Although these are very good points, I think you ought to give more details about yourself, and talk further about your country and how you will contribute will add more information about you.

For the word limit, i think you ought to take away anything that deviates from your main point.


if the door is closed, then how do you know it's the mailman?
I don't think you need the whole mailman thing as a start, directly say "it was a small city" seems more powerful and to the point.

you should rework the last sentence. I don't think that you should put MIT as the start of your dream, since you'd probably do fine anywhere and achieve your dream in any college. Rather, i think you should come up with a sentence that echoes with the whole "it was a small city" idea. Something like "a big dream". but talk about your dream!!!

Undergraduate / I have taken many journeys devoid ; Carnegie Mellon- Why?/ Major [8]


do you really play play stations at age 5 or 6?
and this either sounds bitter, or sound like you're superior in a sense. E.g: I'm studying my butt of for this exam, while my classmates were having a party...that makes you sound better than everyone else, even tho you were only what? 5?

o yea, also put your age or something similar, how early exactly?

avoid you's


who is. actually, simply "as someone interested"


lol sat grammar error. you said as someone, which is followed by "I", or the "someone", not the school, be careful of these grammar rules


same thing here


ranked top nationally
and be more specific, no offense, but despite your use of "virtually", CM is NOT ranked nationally in almost anything, except perhaps computer science. Business undergraduate is Upenn, econ is UChicago, and so on...you should be at least accurate in this type of assertions


really? then how come some of them still fail?


saying this makes you sound like you've convinced the reader...which is a pretentious statement. It's like saying at the end of a research paper: see, it's pretty obvious that my thesis is right...

I'd suggest you reworking the why carnegie mellon programs part. You mention...nothing specific about the school, except some famous people. For an essay like this, you need to say: this program interests me because, not CM is good in every way. And it has to be beyond ranking. admins know their rank, no need for you to remind them. Altho many apply for the ranks, nobody is accepted because they said that it's pretty much the main reason they applied. Come up with something that has to do with your own life.

You mentioned african heritage, so why not talk about the diversity at carnegie mellon? that'll sound MUCH better than the high ranks.
You mentioned academics, so why not talk about the core at CM? talk about how their core pushes the students really hard and stuff (you'd actually have to search for the core tho)

anyway, good luck, and please avoid using generic/semi-false statements.