Posts by Misnariah Idrus

Misnariah Idrus

Apr 3, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children should begin learning a foreign language; 'every-day habit' [10]

In your first paragraph, I found you try to connect the sentences by putting too much connector words whereas actually the idea of those sentences are still able to be connected without them. Paraphrasing your sentences will be far better.

In your body paragraphs, you should put some additional information to make your reason become more easily to be understood.

^_____^

Misnariah Idrus

Apr 1, 2014

Writing Feedback / Televised talent shows is not only to entertain [9]

Honestly I find my self too confused in developing my idea to support my view.
As the question stated "Is talent shows a good method of fi...", I arrange my reason in descriptive form, underline on its process and analyze how it could be stated as the best "method".

However, I do need your feedback.

Misnariah Idrus

Mar 26, 2014

Writing Feedback / It is better to have a broad knowledge of many academic subjects than to specialize in one [6]

(1)
"Another reason why I based my opinion on is that we gain a comprehensive insight by having a wide range of knowledge of academic materials"

I think you should analyze the meaning of this sentence and make it sure that it has represented the information you want to deliver.

(2)
The usage frequency of "education" is too high. You should find out its synonym or other phrases which can represent your idea.

Misnariah Idrus

Mar 24, 2014

Writing Feedback / internet is the great innovation in our lives; be selective to see many effects [6]

(1)
However, some people disagree about it because internet's using has many disadvantages which influence their behavior.

the usage of internet

Misnariah Idrus

Mar 22, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Pros and Cons - advertisement - has become integral part of modern society's life [5]

(1)
In your opening paragraph you said that "advertisement carries many more positive impacts rather than the negative aspects", but in your body paragraph, you put the same number of reasons which argue the both sides.

agree: [1] encourage people to buy not needed goods | [2]many people unsatisfied with the result of the product
disagree: [1] give us many choices of goods | [2] Income source

(2)
In your opening paragraph, you specify the bad impact of advertisement: "the opponents argue that it can persuade people to purchase unimportant goods ". However, in the body, you only explain a bit about that, then expand your reasons by putting "many people unsatisfied with the result of the product". Look at the band descriptor of IELTS Writing Task 2, column task response, band 4, second point, "presents a position but this is unclear". It seems you are there.

(3)
"In case of reducing bad impact, the government should actually be more active in regulating the advertiser company to do not give false information."

not to

Misnariah Idrus

Mar 22, 2014

Writing Feedback / Televised talent shows is not only to entertain [9]

This is IELTS writing task 2...

sorry for not putting it in the first part

Misnariah Idrus

Mar 22, 2014

Writing Feedback / TASK 1. the table shows the consumer durables owned in Britain from 1972-1983 [5]

Where is your conclusion?

Misnariah Idrus

Mar 22, 2014

Writing Feedback / Televised talent shows is not only to entertain [9]

Is talent shows a good method of finding talented people or just an entertainment?

Worldwide attention goes into TV talent shows. For some people, this is a good way to find star quality. For some others, this is for the purpose of entertainment. Both views have strong arguments. However, I believe this is a design to please the talented people starting their career.

This show selects the contestants in almost all big cities in Indonesia freely. The zero charge of selection registration allows as many people as possible to take a part. It cannot be doubted that the more people joining this selection, the bigger the chance to find those best. Furthermore, this selection is opened to all people without limiting on their social and economy status. This competition is not only joined by high economy class singer, but also by many singing beggars. Veri AFI, a young man who comes from an impoverished family, previously spent his time to sing around traffic lamp to earn money, but nowadays he has become a great start. In addition, the involvement of experienced jurists in this process maintains the reliability of the assessment and bolsters the excellence of input.

After selected, those finalists are trained to be the professional ones. To produce a high quality output, they are facilitated with many great trainers, sophisticated training tools and even luxurious homestay. Then, every week, the learning progress is examined through a fantastic show which is broadcasted by a television station. Not only jurists but also the watchers involve in the rating process. To intensify the training, jurists eliminate the lowest rated contestant every week. Citra Idol who was successful to keep going until the last show in Indonesian Idol has already made a good own career as famous singer after finishing their contract with particular TV station.

From this long process, the entertainment aspect is only visible in the show step. So, it is hardly to judge that this event emphasizes not in recruitment process. To conclude, it proves illusory that talented show is more entertaining rather than finding out talented people.

Misnariah Idrus

Mar 22, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - Internet Use in Europe [10]

Finally, as a result of computer, which was 27% in 1995,

Misnariah Idrus

Mar 22, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2- Modern buildings vs traditional buildings [5]

(1)
"Modern buildings , as one of the most important urban architecture, is playing a significant role in the society from different aspects."

modern buildings: plural
one of : singular
is playing: singular

(2)
Dubai is building the most luxurious modern building

there is a repetition of 'building' usage, you should find out its synonym and change one of them

(3)
"Moreover, conventional buildings sho...."

I think, 'moreover' should replace with 'furthermore', as the group words following it do not inform additional reasons, but just additional suggestion

Misnariah Idrus

Mar 16, 2014

Writing Feedback / International Graduates, Canadian Universities, 2001-2006 [4]

Given is bar chart compares the overseas graduates number of Canadian colleges who come from eight provinces.

Overall, from all provinces, none of them had more than 7% graduations in 2001, but one of those regions was successful to get almost 12% graduations in the following years.

A more detailed, look at the graph shows in 200, the 4 biggest percentage overseas graduations came from New Brunsick, Nova Scotia, Quebec, and Alberta (there were around 7%, 6.5%, 6.1% and 5.7% respectively). While, the 4 least numbers were attained by Ontario, Newfoundland and Labrador, Manitoba, and British Columbia (there were just approximately 3.2%, 3.5%, 3.6% and 4.9% respectively).

In contrast, there had been significant increase in almost all provinces' graduation numbers in 2006. The highest improvement was achieved by British Columbia which was successful to get 6% additional graduations. Whereas, the worst improvement happened on the number of Alberta's students which decreased by more than 1%.

In conclusion, universities in Canada graduated more international students in 2006 than in 2001.

canadian.jpg

Misnariah Idrus

Mar 16, 2014

Writing Feedback / In my views, there is a positive and negative effects of global tourism in one country [8]

(1)
"The flow of global tourism has been dramatically increased for the past few years"

I think, for the past few years should be since the past few years

(2)
"The positive effects of tourism has big impact in .."

Has refers to effects (plural), so it should be have

Misnariah Idrus

Mar 16, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS; The ability of students in the areas of literacy and numeracy have declined [15]

(1)
" In the following essay, I will give my views from individ...."

In my opinion, the usage of "in the following essay" shows that your paragraph introduction is not united to the whole essay. I think, it is far better to use "in the following paragraph..."

(2)
"So the learning time of traditional subject should be maintained and some classroom discipline should be restored."

=> some classroom diciplines

Misnariah Idrus

Feb 19, 2014

Writing Feedback / MALE AND FEMALE FITNESS MEMBERSHIP BETWEEN 1970 AND 2000 [4]

MALE AND FEMALE FITNESS MEMBERSHIP BETWEEN 1970 AND 2000

The bar chart reveals the proportion of fitness membership for a period of thirty years, between 1970 and 2000. Generally, the number of men and women who were registered as fitness members time by time had a fluctuation.

In 1970, the number of female fitness membership was very low which only 1000. However, it grew for 100 percent in the following five years. Despite it decreased slightly in 1980, it climbed again in the next five years to almost 3000. After declining to just above 2000, it inclined again to the same number with ten years before it. In 2000, its number decreased for around 25 percent to 2000.

Simultaneously, the amount of male was also increased 100 percent from 1970 to 1975. However, in those five years, it was 100 percent higher than women as well. In 1980, its number fell to around 1500 and continued fell to just under 2000 in 1985, but increased slightly in 1990 to just above 2000. There was a dramatic rise 1995. The number was 5000. However, it fell sharply to 1000 in 2000.

Overall, the total of male fitness membership between 1970 and 2000 was higher than female fitness membership.

Fitness_memebership..png