Scholarship / MSC Sustainable energy system. University of Edinburgh. Mastercard foundation - Future goals [2]

The first paragraph is actually a bit interesting to read. Then you lost the focus of the Future Goals in the 2nd paragraph. That reference is totally unnecessary. Proceeding with the read, I learned that there is no real future goal for you in the field of sustainable energy. You have a generic idea of what you want to do, but you do not have any clear plan of how to achieve this. The information you provided is only an idea, there is a lack of execution in terms of how to achieve the idea. You need a to present a solid career path that begins upon your graduatio, a career development spanning 5 years, and finally, the achievement of your pre-determined goal.

Undergraduate / My education in Taiwan - Study plan for scholarship in division of global commerce [2]


This will not make sense to the reviewer. If your father is your sponsor, then what was the necessity of the gap year? Why did you need to work and save to be financially prepared? This statement could put your sponsorship information in a precarious position. While I realize that you are saying this to show your independence and ability to support yourself, it could actually backfire in this case. I would revise this reference in relation to your gap year.


Show proof of language improvement through the job you held.

The way that you self studied for the courses are good, but not reliable and believable to the reviewer. That is because of the free aspect of your study practice. If you earned certifications from the free courses, then you should mention where you studied it and who gave the free certifications. Otherwise, your claim will not be as strong as you believe it to be.

Undergraduate / Personal statement for HKUST - Chemical and Biology Engineering program [4]

Could you possibly shorten the essay from 600+ words to something between 250 and 300 words? The essay is more of a creative writing presentation that does not really provide the necessary insight in a direct manner. The reviewer may not have the patience to scroll through all those words just to get to point of your essay. You need to describe why you want to attend HKUST and how your character aligns with the program objectives within the first 2 paragraphs. Failure to do so will result in an incompletely read essay, that will be placed in the "2nd consideration" pile. You do not want that to happen. Provide a lively explanation of what character you enbody that aligns with the university. What is it that you want to highlight the most about it? You could frame the essay in a more informative manner by saying something like ; Knowing that HKUST focuses its teaching for the course xxx, I could not help but smile as I recalled my own experience with Chaotic Theory. It was only xx years ago when I first encountered this in its physical form...

Then quickly narrate the incident and result, your pov and how this led to the community at the school. Keep it moving. You need to be fast paced to keep the attention and consideration of the reviewer.

Graduate / GKS-G 2026 Personal statement for AI related major [2]



Save this in-depth discussion for your Language Study Plan essay. It is misplaced here as it does not respond to any of the existing writing guide / prompts. Remove it from this essay so that you do not repeat the language discussion in the aforementioned essay at that will result in an automatic disqualification.



The instructions require you to write the essay solely in the English language or Hangul. You cannot use bastardized writing in this essay as will result in an immediate disqualification of your application seeing as you are unable to follow simple writing instructions. I realize you want to show off your Hangul, but the application essays are not the place to do that.

Scholarship / MSc in Sustainable Energy Systems - Mastercard University of Edinburgh [2]

Your reasoning is personal, which means it lacks the professional aspect that the program requires. Based on the prompt and the fact that this is a masters degree program, your plans should already include references to your past present accomplishments in the field of renewable energy. That professional experience should then reflect your ambition to take your current work further, hence the need for additional education. Your plans to bring renewable energy to the places that need it is admirable. However, the programs that you mentioned are having caught your eye do not reflect the equality between your professional plans and growth alongside your personal intentions. As such, the essay is very shallow in terms of discussion and reference. You need to be more aligned on the professional and personal aspect.


Focus on renewable energy from the very beginning. That way you do not confuse the topic of your presentation. These other references are irrelevant to the discussion points that exist in the essay.

Scholarship / GKS G - Personal statement Human AI Interaction interest [2]

The 2nd to 4th paragraphs are superfluous when applying for a masters degree acceptance. Try to focus on the career aspect if the discussion and training. The reviewers from the university will be looking for references to your academic achievement and publications if any. They need to see that you have some sort of training, from professional sources (usually company sponsored) that has prepared you for these advanced studies. The idea is to present yourself as a highly skilled person, who needs additional training to further improve your already existing skills. Do not discuss your weaknesses in such a direct manner. These should not be presented at all to the university since it might work against you application when they consider your academic performance and professional skills development in relation to their application criteria.

Undergraduate / Personal statement for HKUST - Chemical and Biology Engineering program [4]


Can you translate this to English? Since the application should be completed in English, it is best to translate this phrase to Englihs. Otherwise, it will not serve a purpose in your introduction. The reviewer does not understand this so he will ignore it and be a bit cross that you type in your vernacular. He should not be reading strange words nor need an interpretation to understand what you are referring to.

The essay is too busy in my opinion. You are trying to merge your personal experiences with the science aspect. However, you are not doing a very good job at it. That is because the 2 scenarios are not related. I would like to suggest that you use the situation in your school break and you were working with your friends. You can use that as the new introduction so that it will tie in directly with your other related discussion points. This would serve to give the reviewer a better idea of the foundation of your interest and how ti has developed since.

Undergraduate / Common App: Gap Year Essay [2]

I am not sure about the prompt for your gap year essay. Normally, a gap year essay requests the student to explain the reason behind the gap year (what influenced the decision on your part), how you spent the gap year (personal growth, professional skills development, influences that made you decide to go back to your studies), and why you feel that now is the right time to go back to school.

What a gap year essay does not require is a focus on the reasons why you decided to not try to gain college admission throughout the essay. Too much discussion of that comes across as a negative. This discussion in particular, makes it appear that even though you are applying to colleges and universities now, you are still not definite that this is the right choice for you.

I believe it would be best for you to revise the essay to show more of a personal growth during the gap year. Ensure that you provide the idea that you have thoroughly thought about the decision to apply to college and that you are positive that now is the right time for you to apply. Show how the gap year prepared you to enter college as a more prepared student and individual .

Letters / Motivation letter for admission to master program in ESIEE Paris University [2]

The motivation letter of a masters degree course does not follow the same format as a college undergraduate presentation, which is what you based this presentation on. Rather, the masters degree motivational statement requires you to focus on the immediate needs of your profession which you fail to address due to either a lack of proper theoretical foundation during your undergraduate studies, or a sense of increased need for training that has not been addressed by your previous and most recent training programs. Once these are presented, you may proceed with a presentation for the career path that you have chosen based upon the end result that you hope to achieve.

Your information needs to be revised and the portions that are relevant, in relation to the course and university choice, needs to present more in-depth information that relates to your actual "aligned" learning needs and skills, based on your professional training and experience. Remember, your undergraduate studies, the experience you had with your family business, these are all irrelevant at this point as the masters courses require at least 2 years professional experience in relation to the chosen course for you to become a viable candidate.

Scholarship / Global Markets, Local Creativities - Motivation Letter [2]


Avoid giving information that makes it sound like it came from your job application resume. This appears to be a direct cut and paste of information that the reviewer does not need to know about. While he does not need to know your duties and responsibilities, he does need to know how you positively contributed to the agency during your tenure there. So focus on your notable contributions as it aligns with the requirements of the GLOCAL course you have chosen.


Rather than self discovery, you should be serving as an inspiration to these generations of basketball players. While representing your country is impressive information, the reviewer will not be clear as to how this participation will be an asset to the program should you be admitted into it. One way of doing that would be to focus on how you served as an inspiration to the players you mentored. Consider discussing how you created a team. The difficulties that entailed and how you dealt with it to lead them to victory.

Your thesis interest does not come across as a formal thesis presentation. Although the topic can be changed later on, it would be best to sound assured of the topic in this motivation letter rather than hopeful. It has to directly connect with something you wish to accomplish in your career back home in addition to your plans upon your return.

Research Papers / Preserving Our Underwater Treasures: A Comprehensive Strategy for Coral Reef Conservation [2]


Avoid using sentence anchors that do not move the paragraph forward by introducing useful information to the reader. You can remove this sentence and simply start with the relevant information immediately. Not only will that save word count for you as the writer, but it will also keep the reader engaged in your information sharing process.

Truth be told, I lost interest in reading your paper because the information presentation is too compressed. There is a lack of proper paragraph separation and formatting in your presentation. Essays these days must be scannable by the reader. That means, the spacing is well distributed so that the important information is easily caught by the eye of the reader. While the paper is informative and does provide good solutions, the reader may not reach the end of the paper when presented in this tight format.

Writing Feedback / Why is Juvenile Crime Increasing? Exploring essay rough draft [2]


Get to the point. Use the 12 year old reference. There is no need to get creative in describing his age since this is not a creative writing paper. The reader is more interested in the fact of the presentation more than anything else.


... Legally AND otherwise. There is no choice in this case. Or signifies a choice, which does not exist in this instance. The repercussions will follow him for the rest of this life in both scenarios.


There is no connecting information in this case. The word "because" is used to connect 2 ideas in one sentence. Revise this si remove the word "because" and the sentence will be grammatically correct.

Since your paper is in need of editing more than anything else, you may contact us directly to inquire about our editing services. Thank you.

Writing Feedback / What do you think about Quitting Social Media [2]


Kindly proofread your work. You have a wrong word usage in this case, incorrect capitalization usage, and a lack of clarity regarding the connection of quitting social media, homelessness, and the American dream. What exactly is your point? The paper seems to just be a rambling of your thoughts at this point. It is just a list of ideas and discussion points you have thrown out there, without really knowing how these fit into your thesis statement, which, by the way, I find it difficult to find in your writing.

Kindly fix the format of this paper. Use paragraphs correctly to divide the discussion sections, which will make it easier for the reader to make sense of all of the information that you have provided here. Try to narrow down your presentation in terms of discussion. Edit the content for cohesion and coherence.

Research Papers / What Do You Do? Rethinking Work, Worth, and Second Chances [2]


We have a vocabulary problem here:

Stigma - a negative social attitude, stereotype, or mark of disgrace associated with a particular characteristic, such as a mental illness, disability, or socioeconomic status

Stigmata - bodily wounds, scars, or pains that appear on a person's body in places that correspond to the crucifixion wounds of Jesus Christ,

I think you were too quick in typing there and did not notice that autocorrect used the wrong reference word. You can still edit it based upon the definitions provided above. I am sure you know which word you want to use.


So, what does your paper want to prove? Based on the given information, what do you want your paper to refer to? Is this the sentence by which you want to solve receidivism? Please complete your thesis reference. The introduction is solid. The point of the paper is what kind of fell through the cracks.

The overall paper makes a good case for 2nd chance employment. Your passion in relation to the retraining and second chance at work for former prisoners can be seen throughout your information presentation and explanation. The paper works, provided you fix the parts that I mentioned earlier.

Research Papers / Buying a house ? Not a chance. [2]

There is no valid thesis statement in this first paragraph. You seem to have immediately started your conversation there when you should have established the parameters for your opinion paper instead. You cannot open the paper without a proper introduction. So you need to brainstorm:

1. The topic for discussion
2. The reason for the discussion
3. Why the discussion is important
4. What you hope to accomplish by discussing these in this paper. (Possible solution)

All of these information must be based upon your personal opinion and valid general information. All of the information that is contained in your current first paragraph should move down to 2nd paragraph position. You should also revise the last paragraph to be a summary of the preceding discussion. The concluding paragraph must never contain additional citations which cannot be fully discussed in the last paragraph. That is not a concluding paragraph. That is an open ended research paper. An incompletely presented opinion / research paper.

Writing Feedback / English Say no to gun violence [2]


I am confused by this sentence. What exactly are you trying to say? Your thought process and idea presentation is not coherent. Kindly reframe the presentation to make sense to the reader.


You cannot use a present time frame reference since the era being spoken of is long gone. Use the correct reference which is "As years went by" instead.


Where was it first recorded, who invented it and how was it manufactured? You need to set the tone for the exportation of guns to America since it appears that it is not an American invention.


What is the significance of this statement? History and ownership? You need a more valid connection between the two via a sensible explanation.

Writing Feedback / The Value of Trade Jobs - High school Eng 102 Essay [2]


Since this is the introduction of the topic, all references and discussions in the first paragraph must be from a personal standpoint and publicly known information. It should not contain a reference point in this case because this confirmed information should be presented onwards of the second paragraph to help support your thesis statement.


So? What is the point of your paper? What do you hope to prove? Are you offering reasons why trade school should be promoted at the same level as a 4 year course? What is the end result that you hope to present with the information in this paper? There is no clear thesis statement and yet you were able to proceed into a discussion paragraph. The actual topic remains unclear to the reader.

Undergraduate / Fordham essay on contributing to a community [2]

It will be very possible to discuss your advocacy for human dignity and your fight against injustice without referencing the flag discussion. It does not figure prominently in the actual essay so it seems to serve only as an inflammatory tool within the discussion. A reference that is not necessary in this case. I believe that the essay will carry more of a human interest aspect and better align with the prompt references if you could provide one instance of prejudice and injustice each, which you personally participated in fighting against, leading you to your actions later on in the narrative. The topic you have chosen is admirable and strong. However, it could be discussed in a more formal and less inflammatory manner.

Research Papers / Gun Violence: Parent or Child? [2]

While the essay is very professionally written, there is a problem with citations within the text. Where some students use too much cut and paste in their essays and lack an insight in the discussion, this one has too much insight, with very little referencing even at points where it should be referenced as the source of the personal opinion of the writer. A mere mention of the original source such as "After having read (indicate the original author and title of the work with publication date depending upon the writing style being used)m I came to understand that..." or some other similar referencing format. This will help the paper and opinion presented become more authoritative and valid to the end reader and also align the content better with the Works Cited page.

Letters / Letter master's Stipendium Hungaricum - Finance [2]


These are generic, run of the mill responses that could refer to your interest in any school. These 2 references must always be discussed with more aligned information and in greater detail. The reviewer would rather be shown the alignment and upskilling information rather than be told about it in an empty manner.


Rather than referencing a strong foundation, speak of your academic achievements, awards, and recognitions received in reference to your subject major. This will help prove a steadfast foundation for your future masters degree studies and will allow you to become a better contender for the scholarship.



A growing reputation means nothing. Being famous for teaching is not a strong reference for wanting to study under this scholarship. You must cite their publicly known achievements in this field that have made an impact in the financial sector of your country, thus proving that it is logical for you to seek higher education in Hungary.

Scholarship / Story Essay for Mastercard Foundation (Sustainable Energy Systems at University of Edinburgh) [2]


This is an extremely shallow reference that most scholarship reviewers actually find laughable. They prefer that students do not refer to celebrities and some single viewing act or speech from that person be the whole basis of their interest in a topic. They find this highly superficial and look down upon such references. You may want to think of a more community or ethnicity impacting reference for this part to make your influence more realistic and influential.


Is this the same as an undergraduate thesis? Or are the project and thesis combined in one requirement. Kindly clarify that for the reviewer who will be expecting you to discuss your thesis in this part.


Please expand on this experience and how it affected your family, your studies, and your outlook about the world and peace. Relate these to sustainability whenever you can.

Research Papers / Navigating the Digital Divide: Addressing the Impact of Social Media on Adolescent Mental Health [2]

The paper provides a well developed thesis statement in the first paragraph. The overall information provided is authoritative and well within the requirements of the research. However, The format used for the presentation is incorrect. The information should follow the grouped information presentation per paragraph. The citations should not be provided as stand alone paragraphs. Those need to be properly merged, with the paragraph ending on a personal note from the author.

I feel like the research paper, although well developed, lacks a personal insight. Most of these papers are best presented when it includes the personal experience of the writer. This could be his experience with social medial or, his experience with mental health that he believes directly relates to his social media use. That way the paper becomes more informative since it shares personal experiences of the author, making the solutions presented based on more relatable terms for the reader.

Research Papers / The Capitalization of the Cost-Burdened - research paper [2]

The main problem of this paper is the heavy reliance on in text citations and paraphrasing in every paragraph. This indicates that the paper is not AI written but, was only completed by the student using significant cut and paste information from the sources he accessed. There should not be that many citations in every paragraph. A properly written research paper should contain, at the most, 40% quotes and 10% paraphrasing. This paper does not reflect any author insight into the problem. He is merely repeating all of the information he found, without providing a proper analysis of the information either on a collective or individual basis. The paragraphs often close with source references, which is totally unacceptable in academic writing. The paragraphs must be closed with an explanation or insight from the author. Does he agree with this? If yes, why? If no, explain. The way I see it, the paper needs to be revised so that it will not fail based on the technicality of over using sources to complete the paper.

Research Papers / three areas of weakness or the description of the research paper this is on the ethics of AI! [2]


Either use the term furmom to signify a mother of a pet or, change the reference from dog to child. This is an academic paper so let's keep it formal and within the realms of normal society.


There is no evidence of this to support your claim. Present the history of AI, from the tech labs to the pocket sized apps that are now used. Always remember to establish your claims based upon provable evidence / significant research resource.

You have 2 thesis statements presented in this essay. One in the first and then second paragraph. Pick the one that most of your essay reflects. Do not confuse the reader by trying to make him keep track of 2 discussion points as that would end up reflecting a scattered research presentation.

Letters / Motivational letter for IPCVAI [2]

Rather than repeating the course structure to the reviewer, who is already familiar with the program and does not need the reminder. You will do better by showing how the deliberate structure of the course aligns with your undergraduate studies. Reflect upon how your previous studies and academic and / or professional achievements have perfectly prepared to complete this program. This will be the better angle to take so that it does not sound like you are lecturing the reviewer who is in charge of your application.

I would move the second paragraph to the first paragraph position in this case. The motivation you have for studying the program should be the first thing that the reviewer learns about. That is clearly stated in this paragraph. I would remove the current third paragraph that speaks of your biography as it has little relevance to your motivational goals. As a masters EM scholar applicant, your academic and professional excellence is of far more importance in the consideration scope. This would mean that your essay will become 3 interesting and relevant paragraphs instead. You will need to revise the conclusion to better reflect the edits that you made, should you decide to revise the essay based upon my advice.

Research Papers / Research Paper on Strengthening International Climate Agreements [3]

I will be providing only 1 review or information point regarding the points that you mentioned. Since you require at least 3 of each, then there will be space for the others to post one each as well. If I post 3 and the others also post 3, you may find yourself confused about how to proceed with correcting the research paper.

Area for Revision:

Revise the introduction to the topic. Remove the in-text citations that you provided since that is not an academic requirement in that paragraph. You must effectively introduce the topic to the reader based upon your personal opinion and the publicly known information. The introduction does not allow, nor require you to begin the discussion these. You must lay the foundation for the discussion instead.

Information Weakness:
You mention the Kyoto Agreement without referencing a background or introduction to the framework of that agreement between nations. The reader, who was born after this agreement was reached, will not understand what the connection between the two might be, if any. It is important to introduce the Kyoto aspect in a summarized form, explain its weaknesses, then lead into how that was corrected in the Paris accord.

Other Areas for improvement:

Where did this idea come from? Is this something that is publicly acknowledged by experts? Is this a personal opinion? What is the source of this assumption?

Writing Feedback / Some people think that secondary school students should study international news [2]


Your thesis statement based upon the writer's opinion is incomplete. you will receive reduced points for presenting a point of view without a summary of your 2 reasoning topics. Points are not provided when the writer does not complete the summary of his discussion. The TA score will be reduced as the writer's opinion does not follow the required information format.

The discussion format used is also incorrect. The essay is over written in terms of word count and does not properly provide a clear opinion discussion for each public opinion. You cannot provide a public opinion discussion then suddenly shift to a personal opinion in the next paragraph. The correct format is:

1. Public opinion statement
2. Reason
3. Your point of view regarding this opinion
4. Your reason for supporting or not supporting it.

This is actually a compare and contrast essay so discussing each public opinion based on your personal opinion is a requirement for task accuracy.

Kindly avoid writing in run on sentences. This is the main reason why you ended up with an over written essay. You run the risk of not completing this discussion during the actual test because you focused on essay length rather than response quality. You will not gain extra points for writing a long essay. Instead, you could increase your chances of score deductions due to the possibility of more writing rules violations and grammar errors.

Letters / Motivation Letter - MSc In Quantitive Finance ETH UZH [2]

While the lack of pure quantitative experience is a major drawback for your application, the reviewer will gauge your acceptability based upon your overall qualifications. If you have some reference to abilities that would prove at least a foundation in quantitative math, then he might overlook the lack of direct exposure on your part.

The essay is too focused on presenting your strengths, rather than equally presenting your strengths and the importance of these and your master studies to your future career path. You have not clearly set out your plans for your future in this field and how you have prepared for it beyond your undergraduate exposure to some of its required learning. If you an discuss a doable career path and tie that into the learning advancements that the program offers, then you might be considered for admission along with other applicants.

Research Papers / The Effects of Social Media on Mental Health [3]

The first paragraph is an effective introduction but does not provide a proper thesis statement at the end regarding what the paper will be about and what the expected conclusion will be. Instead, it wrongly introduces an in-text citation at the end that does not deliver any benefit to the paragraph. It was too soon to introduce a quote. Academically speaking, a quotation for discussion is not introduced until the second or third paragraph of the presentation. Instead, a proper thesis statement should have been provided then, the introduction of the Friendster network should have kicked off the second paragraph to represent the start of the research discussion and opinion paper.

The succeeding paragraphs are unacceptable. The paper is virtually just a cut and paste of information from various sources. The writer is not even making an effort to provide personal or public insight in a proper manner for each citation. Each paragraph should not have that many citations within it. One or two are fine, more than that and the student is just proving to not really care about his score for this research paper of the possibility that the professor will return the paper for revisions due to the heavy and unwarranted number of citations per paragraph. Kindly revise the paper to be more balanced in terms of citation and insight.

Letters / Motivational Letter for Erasmus RePIC Joint Masters Program / National Development Planning [2]


This is an inappropriate method of opening your motivational letter. You must maintain a professional and academic tone at all times. The sense of excitement and hope must not factor into your presentation. It must appear calm and collected in terms of greeting and introduction establishment.


Avoid wasting your word count and maintain a focused approach to the discussion. There is no need to remind the reviewer about the specifics of the program because he already knows everything there is to know about the program. Instead, focus your essay on proving that your professional and academic interests are going to be well supported by the program. The motivation should focus on properly presenting your motivation through the clear path of your personal desire to help your country achieve the government plans for its SDGP overall or, a specific government growth path that works will with the RePIC Joint Masters program.

The essay is too wordy, but not well focused. It lacks clarity and coherence because you are discussing too many topics in the paper. Focus on specific aspects, consider doing so using the topics and suggestions I have indicated here if you wish. By revising the focus of the essay and making it more inclusive in terms of the relation between your studies and the masters program, you will be able to achieve a more interesting motivational letter.

Essays / Selecting up to 5 universities - Opinions for my exchange study plan essay writing [2]

You can have a general discussion of your academic history, motivation, and study plan that could be applicable to the university considerations. Those are the aspects where the reviewer has a general consideration of your skill, talents, and abilities. What you need to focus on are the 5 university choices. The university choices will prove to the reviewer that you understand the curriculum requirements of your chosen major, which tend to vary per university. However, by highlighting your desire to attend based with a comparable curriculum assessment against your student profile, you will be able to show that you have carefully assessed the study requirements, have the foundation to complete the course, and the ability to be a stand out exchange student. Go for the 5 university discussion. Do not omit discussing this because doing so will show a lack of actual interest on your part, showing a laziness that the reviewer will not appreciate in a student applicant. Just make sure that the universities you choose have a curriculum that coincides with your academic history so that your presentation will be comprehensive.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for PhD in Computer Science (with focus on AI in healthcare) [2]

I am not sure how to direct your application essay at this point because there is no information about what particular scholarship you are applying for. I am lost as to the criteria for the SOP without knowing what scholarship we are dealing with. Each scholarship has a particular set of considerations for each essay. So I believe I will be of little help in this case.

Try to focus more on your current career and publication discussions since you are already a PhD applicant. The focus is no longer on your college studies but rather your masters dissertation and career experiences / training opportunities. There is no need for an academic biography in this case. The statement of purpose should discuss your future career path over 5 years and how these studies will help you prepare to pursue that path. The reason for the university choice should be clear as you discuss your academic and career foundations. You need not write a separate paragraph for the university. It should be clear to the reviewer without spoonfeeding that information. Your qualifications should align clearly with the PhD requirements of the course at the university.

Undergraduate / Education as a force of change- UWC application essay [2]

You lost me from the very start of this essay. How does travel relate to ASL? Are you one of the differently abled students? You need to create a better introduction because the first half of the essay seems disconnected from the rest of the discussion. Also, you keep speaking of the team effort in relation to ASL and related considerations, kindly remember that you need to speak of the events from a first person point of view and a personal, rather than group involvement. I do not get a clear picture of how you were personally involved beyond being a team participant. The prompt asks you to consider a personal involvement wherein you were able to effect change on your own. You could discuss something before you co-founded the group. Explain how that personal experience led to your participation in the group founding. I believe that would be more prompt adherent and allow you better connect with the personal aspect of the discussion.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that allowing students to work part-time while studying has more advantages [2]

There are 2 immediate reasons why this essay will get an automatic failing score. The first, is the word count. It is more than 300 words. This indicates that you have focused incorrectly on vocabulary usage instead of writing quality. During the actual test, the computer will cut you off at the end of the 40 minute marker. If you have not completed the essay by then, it will automatically receive a failing score due to its incompletely written presentation.

The 2nd reason, is that you included Vietnamese vocabulary / characters in the presentation. Since this is an English test, graded by English speaking natives, and not graded in Vietnam, you will be seen as in violation of the writing language regulations, so the essay will receive heavy points deductions, that will lead to a failing score at the end.

As the essay did not follow the single opinion and 2 paragraph defense of the expected response format, the essay will receive the lowest possible TA score as well. There is no clear writer's opinion nor supporting reasons for it in the first paragraph so the essay did not meet the preliminary scoring requirements.

Overall, while you have a good grasp of the English language, the previously mentioned errors will be the reason that you will not pass the test.

Graduate / Linguistics and Natural Language Processing Personal Statement - University of Edinburgh MSc [2]

The actual mission of your quest to complete an MSc in the University of Edinburgh is not fully detailed in this personal statement. You need to be clear from the start. You want to create an AI and NLP system for Pakistan in 100% representation of the Urdu language. You do not need useless back stories of how you saw children and the like. Focus on the professional need of your career and your country in a world of emerging technologies.

In order to prove that you are a suitable fit for the program you have chosen, first present the course under the MSc that you would like to discuss then explain your academic background, accomplishments, career application, and how you plan to move forward from these using that training. Be precise in your presentation. Know that the reviewer will be more impressed by the connection you can provide so that he will not have to search for it in the storytelling that you have presented. He will appreciate direct to the point reflections in this case.

Undergraduate / Conflicting personal values - essay for UWC [2]

The reviewer will not see this essay as one that is personal nor original. He will see this as a work of fiction as it does not directly involve a challenge to your personal beliefs as a person. Instead, you were a 3rd party opinion provider in a discussion which did not directly involved, hence your opinion is not something that would result in a marked evolution of the discussion.

For these essays, the reviewer needs to see / read how you react to challenges set before you. This is not about calming down a situation but rather, how you respond to a situation that challenges you to change your thoughts or opinions. How do you meet someone halfway when your idealism is challenged? In this case, you were being asked to take a side, which you chose not to do since you decided to be a mediator in the event. You stood in the middle, which is not what the prompt is asking you to do.

Letters / TU Delft - Motivation Letter for MSc Geomatics for the Built Environment [4]

I agree that you should limit yourself to 3 thesis presentations only if your interest in each is comparable to one another. I do not feel that the interest is strong when compared to one another. You would gain better consideration if you present one well developed and strong thesis instead. The foundation of which will be based upon your undergraduate learning, professional experiences, additional work training, and evidence of continued learning in terms of your undergraduate thesis. The idea is to show your strength as a researcher with a specific intest in a particular field and that you are qualified to do that research. It would be considered lazy if you present 3 possible research topics, without a justification for your strength in the research for that field. The thesis should relate to your strongest passion more than anything else. Yes, this is based upon my decades of experience helping students with their application at TU Delft and other international universities.


You may discuss a career plan with specificity if you wish. Keep it limited to a 5 year career path though since an MSc is career preparation for the next 5 years. After than you will need an additional MSc or a PhD. Those would cover your next 5 year or 10 year career path (respectively).

Writing Feedback / As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. Do you agree or disagree? [2]


This is not acknowledged in the original prompt. It is an idea that is implied and is therefore, up for discussion and debate. You have altered the discussion parameters and changed the discussion focus with this incorrect restatement. The TA preliminary score for the paraphrasing will be a failing one.


This is not an extent response essay. This is a simple single opinion essay that relies on an easy yes or no response to the question. The response delivered is not the expected one. The lack of summarized writer's opinion reasoning will also create a low score for this aspect of the introduction paragraph. I am afraid the essay has already received a failing score by this point.

The paragraphs are difficult to read because of the lack of proper spacing in the presentation. The reasoning is acceptable as it remains within the required 2 supporting reasons for the writer's point of view. However, the summary conclusion is difficult to read due to the lack of proper thought presentation.

Most of the paragraphs are composed of run on sentences. You need to learn to create more concise presentations and allow your ideas to come across clearly without an over explanation. This is most important when presenting the summary conclusion to the reader.

Overall, this is a good attempt at a task 2 single opinion essay. However, improvements can be made to help you achieve a passing basic score. Right now, I do not believe that this essay would receive a passing mark during an actual test.

Undergraduate / "From the linoleum to the marble" - Personal Statement [2]

Kindly include the prompt that you are writing in response to next time so that I can give a more directed review of your work.

The essay is still scattered in nature. The presentation is not clear enough to show the correlation between your family in financial distress and the politics that you entered into. By the way, the 6th grade is not a good starting point for these college application essays. The reviewer does not tend to believe that one can make earth shattering or personal level decisions until he reaches high school. So, your participation in high school politics would be a more effective tool in this discussion. If you want to go back to the 6th grade, then you have to discuss the foundation for your developing political beliefs at the time. Truth be told, the essay topics do not work well together. The narration is more of story telling rather than showing the connection between politics and your family. Are you planning to apply for admission to International Relations or Political Science? If you are, then this is not the essay that will get you into those courses.

You still have time to work on your admissions essays for the next cycle. Do not go from procrastination to rushing things. Take your time. Choose your prompts wisely and work on properly developing your narrative response for each one. Use logical thinking. Outline your thoughts, brainstorm, consider all options. Then write your draft. You need a them and a focus for each one. Don't just write for the sake of writing, which is what appears to have happened in this case. There is no cohesive structure to the presentation.

Letters / Nepal education - Motivation letter for scholarship [2]

The way that you discuss your education in the essay is confusing. You are from Nepal but you studied in India. Your family is in the construction business, but you are trying to connect that to entreprenueurship, which are not related lines of study or business. The first paragraph is a forced connection between the two that the reviewer will see and consider that the application you are submitting is not for the correct line of study.

When you mention that you are a published author, you need to provide the name of the publication, series, and publication date. The reviewer will want to double check on that information, as they always do.

I do not really see the reviewers taking your application seriously because of the unrelated lines of study and information about your plans which do not truly align with the masters studies that you wish to cover. You need to find a better way of connecting your construction background with the entrep course that you wish to study. Right now, this essay is well written, but does not work for the purpose intended.