Undergraduate / UofI Champaign-Urbana admissions essay [2]

Greetings!

I think you have written a couple of great essays! The only suggestion I would make content-wise about the first one is that you explain why longboarding is nothing like skateboarding, because to someone who has never heard of longboarding, from your description (a board on wheels), they sound just alike. How are they different? That was the question I found myself asking.

In your second essay, you did a marvelous job of talking about your skills without putting too much emphasis on the fact that you are not yet sure what your career path will be; I think you struck a nice balance!

Here are a few copy-editing suggestions:

"I am my own matchless self." That is what I enjoy telling myself day after day. - You need either a period after self, or "that" must start with a small "t". I think it's better this way.

but that could never deter me from exploring this sport, [add comma] especially considering that the best part of it is traveling America

Iearned over the last several years how important it is to make your own choices. - You probably meant to type "I learned"?

Since I was 16, [add comma] I have been employed at my local grocery store, [add comma] Jewel-Osco, [add comma] and ...

Good work and best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / End of Suffering -- Essay [22]

Greetings!

I think failing to acknowledge the other person's stress or negative consequences is one of the biggest causes of resentment in all types of relationships. A good-hearted person often does not mind rendering assistance, but minds a lot when that assistance receives no acknowledgment whatsoever, or worse, when it is turned around and made into something it was never intended to be.

As for "I will do something" vs. "I can do nothing" I think the appropriateness of one or the other depends on the circumstances. You said there was "no certain cure" which I took to mean, he might get better, but a cure could not be assured. If it is known that a person really has no hope of getting better then yes, it might be best just to accept that, say "I can do nothing about it, but I will make the best of the time I have" and let go of the idea that one can change the unchangeable.

I'm glad your vistas are happier these days!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on September 11, 2001 [4]

Greetings!

It really depends on what the assignment instructions were, as to whether it is appropriate to include your own opinions. In an opinion essay, certainly, Andrey's suggestions are very good; however, not all assignments which are called "essays" should include the student's views or suggestions. When in doubt, ask the instructor!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay on not regretting things - how to start? [8]

Thanks, Andrey!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Poverty in Brazil, article analyzing [6]

You're welcome!

By the way, I found one I had missed. You might want to add this correction:

who were in an unfortunate condition.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / help with research paper on legalizing Marijuana [4]

Thanks, Andrey, those are good points!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / my writing rituals when I begin working on writing assignments [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you some feedback on your excellent essay!

When I come home, I normally get changed into casual clothes,

but mostly I turn on the television while I write on essays - say either "while I work on essays" or "while I write essays."

I, like in trance - besides being ungrammatical, this doesn't really make sense. You could say something like "I automatically head for the television"

Furthermore, I am more concentrate and productive, when I write essays at night, - say "I can concentrate better and am more productive when I write essays at night"

To save time and energy, [use comma instead of ;] I usually write my essays by using my laptop.

For example, when I write [delete "on"] essays, I love to drink coffee, [delete "with"] having small bites of a donut in between. By looking over all of my writing rituals, I have to admit [delete ,] that some are good and work for me and others are not as good or as effective as they should be. The fact that I like to write essays with background noise may need to be changed in order for me to become a better writer. Instead of listening to the radio or turning on the television, perhaps working in silence is more beneficial for me than I ever assumed. The problem is that once I am adjusted to a writing ritual that I have done for years, it makes it difficult for me to let go and change it into one that perhaps could work better for me.

The only thing else I might suggest is that you say why you think it might be a good idea to change your ritual; do you have any reason to suspect that it distracts you from being a better writer, or is that simply an assumption that you feel needs testing?

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Answer format of "How X will describe you" ? [5]

Greetings!

I'm not aware of any general tips for reducing word count that work under all circumstances; I think it's probably fairly case-specific, other than the obvious tips like don't include any unnecessary information and stick to the point, and so forth. If you'd like to post your essay here, I'd be happy to take a look and see if I see any good candidates for surgery!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Poverty in Brazil, article analyzing [6]

Greetings!

I think you've made a lot of improvement on your essay! I have just a few editing suggestions:

had an effect on ordinary individuals' behaviors and priorities. - it is possessive, so use an apostrophe

This community encountered an increased rate of infant mortality,

the national statistics implications of the political and cultural life in Brazil were fallacious, since she encountered individuals who were in an unfortunate condition.

The side-by-side comparison made it easier to comprehend how the individuals in Bom Jesus [delete comma] had an increasing rate of infant mortality, in contrast with the lower national rate.

The article demonstrates that, politically, Bom Jesus was treated unfairly

Scheper-Hughes formed a study that demonstrated how Bom Jesus had experienced various predicaments.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / When it comes to writing, my attitude is instinctual negative/Attitude toward writing [3]

Greetings!

I think you are selling yourself short--you're a much better writer than you give yourself credit for! There's more to writing than just perfect grammar. You express your thoughts well, and they are easy to follow. Your essay is interesting and well-thought out. True, it had some punctuation and grammatical errors, which I've corrected for you (watch out for semicolons, they can be tricky!), but I think you should be proud of it!

When it comes to writing, my attitude is instinctually negative. I never feel confident when I am faced with a variety of writing tasks in and outside of class. Since middle school I have realized that writing, no matter in what language, is one of my weakest subjects in school. Academic writing, especially, represents a challenge for me. It is not only time consuming, but also a lot of work. For example, when writing about topics I am not familiar with, I have to do research, that takes a lot of time and energy. Since there are many rules to follow, I as well must worry about how to use words and sentences wisely, written in certain tenses and structures. Furthermore, my resistance toward writing is also influenced by various types of fear. For example, the fear of not meeting my and the professor's expectations inhibits my thoughts and makes me unable to clearly express myself in words, leaving me staring at a blank piece of paper. Moreover, I get nervous and anxious, when I need to write essays under time pressure due to deadlines. The pressure is overwhelming. I definitely enjoy reading more than academic writing. Reading allows me to be creative; it stimulates my imagination to be able to picture images in my mind, without any pressure. Nevertheless, the fact is that I lack creativity when it comes to academic writing, with all its boundaries and limitations. Even though I know that I don't have much confidence in my writing skills just yet, I believe the more writing I do, the more comfortable I will become with my writing in the future. However, for this class, I will strongly agree to call myself a writer, though I know there is a long way to go till I will have enough writing skills and self-esteem to actually feel and perform like one.

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Answer format of "How X will describe you" ? [5]

Greetings!

If I understand your question correctly, you are looking for a way to answer the question with as little intrusion into your word count as possible. However, it appears the first format has 6 words and the second has 5. That's not many! You could take "that" out of the first example and save a word. You might gain another word or two by launching directly into the description: "X would describe my quick wit, ever-present charm, the sparkle in my eye..."

Other than that, I think your best bet is to just economize elsewhere in the essay. I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on September 11, 2001 [4]

Greetings!

This is an interesting topic and you've made some good points! I have some editing suggestions for you:

suggested their actions were nothing less than horrendous. - remember that "then" is used to denote "when" (he ate lunch, then took a nap) and "than" is used for comparisons (his performance was less moving than expected; I would rather watch T.V. than study).

due to the terrorists proclaiming they executed out such animosity for the Muslim people. - this sentence does not really make sense. I think you are using "executed out" when you mean "carried out"; you could also say "demonstrated such animosity for the Muslim people."

"terrorism to the core," which implies it was the biggest terrorist attack that could possibly happen to any nation. - No, I don't think it implies that; it implies that it was terrorism and nothing but terrorism.

but Ingibjorg believes they may have had a "sufficient"objective. - People often say "may've had" which sounds like "may of had" but the correct verb is "have."

Few letters demonstrate that "power" is a source of evil, since what happened on September 11th 2001 was a method to acquire supremacy. - this is a little unclear; not sure what you meant.

they are praised and awarded, while the hijackers are viewed as "villains."

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Poverty in Brazil, article analyzing [6]

Greetings!

I'm glad to help! Here are some suggestions and notes:

subsequently in the 1980's. - I'm not sure what this means. Do you mean "subsequent to the 1980s"?

which arose change in culture - this is ungrammatical; I think you meant "which created cultural changes"

Due to the development of Brazil, it appears the priority [I think that must be the word you meant] of the citizens was a national reputation, rather than focusing on limiting poverty.

The methods that Scheper-Hughes used to form this study were influenced by a "structuralist's" [or "structuralist"] perspective.

Evidence from the study that Scheper-Hughes was from the school of structuralism, is when it states, "The structure of local communities were severely disrupted." - This sentence is rather awkward, and I really don't see how that one sentence indicates that she is a structuralist. Surely there's more to it than just using the word "structure"?

This was one of the issues that led "Bom Jesus" into negativity.- This is your first mention of Bom Jesus so you need to explain what it is, and its relevance to the study. You don't actually say that the study focused on the town of Bom Jesus until the last paragraph; that should be in the first paragraph. You don't need to put quotes around it if that is the actual name of the town.

such as establishing relations with women,

The national infant mortality was 57 per 100, while the northeastern region had a rate of 116 per 1000, which implies fifty-nine more deaths occur annually - the numbers don't add up. Did you mean 57 per 1000?

"completely observe" - this is not a good phrase; how about "to study" instead?

You might want to work a little more on the circumstances leading to the problem. I'm not clear on why financialization and economic expansion led to increased infant mortality rate and malnutrition. Also, as mentioned above, explain the school of thought a little more.

Best regards,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / In Response To "Too Much Pressure" [3]

Greetings!

I think you have written a very well-reasoned argument! You make an interesting point with regard to the possibility that a student's own personal values might very well allow cheating on an exam and other unethical behavior. I can find little about your essay to criticize. The only thing I would point out is that if you are using American English (I can't be sure whether you are), you must put periods (as well as commas) inside the quotation marks, like this:

"compromise (their) values to achieve their goals."
"values" interchangeably with "ethics."

If that rule seems counter-intuitive, I agree! The British rule of putting the punctuation mark outside the quote unless it is part of the quotation makes more sense, but, alas, that's the American rule for commas and periods. The only exception is with single letters such as "a", "b", "c", and "d".

Excellent work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Corporate newsletter answer - GMAT AWA essays rated? [4]

You're very welcome! Learning is what it's all about, and I know your efforts will pay off!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Corporate newsletter answer - GMAT AWA essays rated? [4]

Greetings!

I will be happy to give you feedback on your essay. I can give you my personal rating of the essay, but please understand that my criteria may differ from those of the GMAT examiners.

Your first paragraph, with the exception of the last sentence, is simply a restatement of the facts. The first sentence of the second paragraph is, too. I would think that, because your time is limited, you want to spend it wisely by answering in as much detail as possible in the time and space allotted. Regurgitating the given facts does not really help you.

You did a good job of pointing out some of the weaknesses of the argument. You might want to stress a little more that it is not possible to tell how relevant the 79% response rate regarding corporate restructuring and redesign of benefits programs is, when there is no information given about what other issues were on the survey and what the response rates were for those issues. You were not specific enough about "what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion."

Here are some tips regarding the writing itself:

"interest" is misspelled twice as "intrest"

You have a tendency to drop the article "the":
so will obviously have a high level of intrest in the topics mentioned.
On the other hand, even if it is considered that all the employees who responded positively to the survey are not managers,
not only on the results of the survey but also on the basis of the survey

Watch your grammar; some of your sentences are a little awkward or garbled:

"because these employees could get actually benefited" - better would be "could actually benefit"

"So, it cannot be rightly concluded that workers are apathetic about managment issues is false." - Aside from the misspelling of "management," it is difficult to follow this sentence; it really does not make sense.

"To strengthen the argument the author should have a more detail [should be "detailed"] analysis not only on the results of the survey but also on the basis of the survey, like the ones mentioned above." - Like what ones mentioned above? I'm not sure what you are referencing here.

"Only when the author rules out other possible factors and could conclude that only the survey results are necessary and sufficient for the above conclusion, will make the mentioned conclusion feasible." - This sounds like double-speak; it's much too vague and confusing to be a strong ending.

I would advise spending more time on a detailed analysis and less on restating the question. Try to specifically address all the issues mentioned in the instructions. Read every sentence you write, carefully, to make sure it says what you intended, and watch your spelling. All in all, if I were rating this essay on a 0-5 scale, I would probably give it a 2. You have a couple of good points, but you need more specific information and less vagueness and confusion.

I hope this advice is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Sun-Sentinels journalism programs; UF campus- Significant Event [3]

Greetings!

Yes, I think you've definitely improved it! I do have a few editing suggestions:

Your first sentence is still a bit too ambitious. The reader will tend to get lost while meandering through it. There are several ways you could simplify it. Here is one:

My high school passage could be described this way: I fell asleep as a middling writer, high school essayist and adolescent opinion, and woke up as a praised, recognized and--most of all--accepted journalist.

Teenlink, which is another publication I write for, that goes to every Broward county school. - this is a sentence fragment. Take out "which" and it won't be.

I already have experience writing for high school students, as I move on from high school I want to go with other students of my graduating class and while in college, still be able to have to same experience. - this is a run-on sentence. Put a period after the first "students."

It was a combination of my name printed over 600,000 times each week, or over a million people viewing it online, and the fact that it got wired all across the country is what made me who I am today, a journalist explaining how if I can gain the attention of South Florida, I can tackle the population of the University of Florida. - this is another overly ambitious sentence; simplify, simplify! :-)) When in doubt, read it out loud; if you can't do it all in one breath, it's probably too long!

A main reason why this will contribute to the UF campus is because UF chooses students on many factors, unlike FSU which claims to be solid academia, meaning only test scores and grades, UF looks at everything. - a run-on sentence. I'd put a period after "factors" then say something like, "In contrast, FSU claims to be solid academia, which means it looks only at test scores and grades. I like the fact that UF looks at everything."

People will begin to know my name and in the great scheme of things, the one reporter they know they can trust is I, and that is a great feeling to know already so soon. - It would be better to say "I am the one reporter they know they can trust, and that is a great feeling." When you add "to know already so soon" it weakens the impact.

Good job, and best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / ENC1101 success [3]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay; I have just a few editing suggestions:

Therefore, [add comma] I'm looking forward to [delete this] what this course has to offer.

Sure this means bringing all necessary materials to class.

the key factors to passing this, [add comma] or for that matter, any course

"Okay, so I'll miss class today, [add comma] but no worries 'cause Bob will explain everything to me." - in American English, periods and commas go inside the quotation mark.

Think about it:[colon] when the teacher explains things,[comma] everyone has their own interpretation.

remaining focused and opening my mind to endless possibilities.

I look forward to working with all of my classmates as well as [delete for] the teacher to reach this success.

Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Examining the poem "To An Athlete Dying Young" By A.E Housman [36]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help with some editing suggestions!

Any time you make a comparison, as you often do here, the proper word is "than," not "then." For example, "it's better for an individual to die at the height of their glory, than to die later on." Be sure to go through and correct this wherever it occurs. Also, technically, because you say "individual" you shouldn't use a plural possessive pronoun (their). You could say "it is better for people to die at the height of their glory." Avoid contractions such as "it's" in formal writing.

Reading this poem [omit comma] gave me the chance to realize that to achieve in life, you must achieve for yourself, for you are the only person you can truly satisfy.

which denotes the runner's life wasn't eternal, but his essence will always be remembered.

he demonstrates to die at the peak of one's success is a victory rather than a tragedy.

"To an Athlete Dying Young," provides the opportunity to question one's existence, and one's purpose.

Phrases like "allowed me to notice" are rather awkward. Better would be "This poem demonstrates that death shouldn't be feared, but in a sense appreciated..."

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Personal Statements for a PhD application - questions [2]

Greetings!

It sounds like you've done some good thinking about your personal statement. The thing to keep foremost in mind when writing it is that you want to show the admissions committee why they should choose you over another candidate. You want to give them as many compelling reasons as you can. Demonstrating that you have read widely on the subject and are familiar with the work of leading professionals in the field is certainly one way to show your interest and commitment. If you can work in a snappy quote in a way that seems natural and not contrived, I think that's a great idea. Anything positive that makes you unique or particularly impressive, including your prizes and scholarships, would also be good. As far as your research, if you know specifically what direction you want your research to go, that will show the committee that you are focused and dedicated to pursuing your goals. Be as specific as you can about what those goals are, too. Statements which only talk in vague terms about generalities (e.g., "I would make an excellent chemical engineer because I find the subject interesting") are going to bore the reader. Including concrete examples in a lively, personal style will engage the reader and make you stand out.

So, in short, I'd answer your questions this way: 1) yes; 2) good idea; 3) specific; 4) yes. :-))

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay on not regretting things - how to start? [8]

Greetings!

Those first few sentences are usually the hardest, because there are so many ways you could approach it. One technique that is usually very effective is to start with a personal story, jumping right in to the action. For example: "When I opened that drawer, my divorce decree was the last thing I expected to see. Yet, there it was, staring up at me, boldly declaring the end of something that was supposed to last forever. I realized, in that moment, that I had a choice. I could consider that stark, legal document to be a monument to failure--or an open doorway to new possibilities."

That opening would provide a good launching pad for a discussion of learning from life's lessons and not dwelling on regrets. See if you can think of a similar scene to start with and go from there. I'll be happy to help you with editing once you have a rough draft.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / In what way will Scholarships contribute to your life career? [8]

Greetings!

Getting started is always the hardest part! It might be helpful to think backwards. What do you want your life's career to be? Presumably it is something that requires a college education, so getting the degree will get you to that career. You might want to stress how vital the degree is to your chosen field. Then you can talk about what a challenge it is to fund a college education and how getting the scholarship(s) will allow you to complete your degree. It's a linear progression, really -- the scholarship allows you to get your degree and the degree allows you to enter the profession that you have chosen, and which has meaning to you.

Try a rough draft, and I'll be happy to give you some editing advice!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Neolithic Agricultural Revolution [2]

Greetings!

I'd be glad to give you some editing suggestions for your excellent essay!

hat period of cultural adaptation, the Neolithic, occurred at different moments of [delete "the"] human history

at Çatal Hüyük, in modern Turkey, traces of a Neolithic settlement, which dates as far back as [delete "about"] seven thousand years ago,

However, that does not necessarily imply that those humans have totally abandoned their nomadic way of life but only that they have started to enjoy a more sedentary one. That marked interest for the benefits provided by the land is a direct consequence of the passage to agriculture.

namely particularly expert in a domain. - this is a sentence fragment, as it comes after a semicolon. The two parts of a sentence divided by a semicolon must be able to stand alone.

Accordingly, fewer people were required to provide enough supplies for the whole community

Third, researchers have found at Çatal Hüyük, an archaeological site in modern Turkey, - you've already identified this site as being in Turkey.

Neolithic people were aware that their dependence towards the yields, in terms of both quantity and quality, generated an important source of worry despite the fact that agriculture provided them with profuse supplies of food, generally at a stable rate, contrary to the foraging subsistence pattern.

Agriculture supported the storage of food resources that were the key elements for the surfacing of some individuals' wealth, bestowing on them an influential social status

It seems that the early anatomical modern humans, in their endeavours to alleviate the considerable pressures exercised by the selective agents present in their ecosystems, succeeded in ameliorating their food-acquiring pattern. In the end, this turned out to be highly detrimental to the constancy of the homogeneity of their groups and challenging because of their dependency to their agricultural productivity. (This sentence was confusing, due to its length.)

The adoption of agriculture during the Neolithic period still has consequences today, such as [delete "for instance"] - "hitherto" is not really used outside of legal jargon these days.

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Sun-Sentinels journalism programs; UF campus- Significant Event [3]

Greetings!

I went from a middling writer, high school essayist and just an adolescent opinion - You want your opening to be zippy, rather than clunky, and this sentence is a bit hard to wade through. What about a change like this: "I went from a middling high school essayist full of adolescent opinions..."

one of the Sun-Sentinel's [add apostrophe] journalism programs.

My becoming of a journalist will contribute to the community of UF by capturing the thought of every student at the university. - One important thing a journalist must learn to do is to say as much as possible with as few words as will do the job. You don't need to say "My becoming of a journalist" when "My becoming a journalist" means the same thing.

But if I was accepted into UF - When using the subjunctive after "if" use "were" instead of "was."

ultimately making the welfare in complete stability. - this phrase doesn't really make sense.

A main reason why all of this will contribute to the UF campus is because UF chooses students on many factors. Unlike FSU which claims to be solid academia, meaning only test scores and grades, UF looks at everything.

I think your essay would benefit from a little more concrete information and a little less "selling." You were asked to describe a meaningful accomplishment, but you don't spend much time talking about what your work at Teentime was like, or why you got that phone call. What types of articles did you write? What impact did your writing have on the community, and why? What was your most compelling story?

An admissions committee wants specific reasons why they should choose you over someone else. You don't want to attempt to persuade them through arm-twisting about how wonderful you are; you want to persuade them with real accomplishments. You obviously are accomplished, or you would not have achieved that honor; help UF to understand why you merited that position, with some specific examples. Then your writing will do the selling for you.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Research Brief - fear in a community and election [2]

Greetings!

Probably your best source of information is going to be your school's library. You should have a user name and password to access the library's databases. Once you're in, you can find sources by using your search terms, as you would with any internet search: "terrorism voting trends" "terrorism impact elections" ... play with different combinations of search terms to find what you need. Look in databases which contain scholarly journals with articles and research results on the topic. If you are able to go to the library in person, ask a librarian for assistance; they can be remarkably helpful.

Before getting too deep into your research, you might want to be thinking about what your thesis statement will be; this can help direct your research. On the other hand, sometimes what you find will cause you to change the focus of your thesis a little. You have a fairly specific focus for your paper, but generally a paper of this kind will have a thesis statement which takes a position on the subject. For example, you might want your thesis to be something like "Traumatic events such as terrorist attacks have a significant impact on voting trends in a community, influencing election results significantly." If your research showed otherwise, you could change your thesis to reflect that.

I hope this helps get you started! If you'd like to post your rough draft once it's written, I'd be happy to have a look and give you suggestions!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / End of Suffering -- Essay [22]

Greetings!

There is something deeply compelling about the idea that one can change one's future (one might say "fate" in the way it is often used today, not meaning something pre-ordained, but merely what will happen in the future) by changing the way we think about a condition, such as a disease with no sure cure. There is even scientific evidence that indicates the mind's power to affect such circumstances. And certainly, the very least it can do is to give the person more of a sense of power over his situation, reducing feelings of helplessness. Saying "I will do something" is better than saying "I can do nothing." The outcome may or may not be different, but the journey definitely will be. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Structure for research essay? [2]

Greetings!

It sounds to me like you are on the right track! Your introduction will provide the thesis to your paper, which, in this case, will be a little more complex because you will be discussing three different authors' viewpoints. However, just because there's a bit more to it doesn't mean it has to be more difficult. The basis of your thesis will probably be that the evidence supports (or disproves) the views of ____ and ____ but not ____, or whatever. Remember that a thesis takes a position and the rest of the paper provides the evidence which supports that position.

Writing about each of the three authors can be like a mini-essay within your essay. When you have trouble structuring your paragraphs remember that each one will start with a topic sentence and the rest of the sentences in that paragraph (usually a minimum of three all together, but more is fine) will relate back to that topic sentence.

I think an outline is a good idea, especially with this sort of essay. Try keeping it simple. I. Introducion. II. Author 1. III Author 2. IV Author 3. V. Somalia (perhaps broken down into A, B and C).

You might want to check out our Free Essays and Articles section for more guidance, but I think the most important thing you can do is to stop second-guessing yourself and just get something down on paper. I'd be happy to have a look at your rough draft and give you some suggestions!

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / End of Suffering -- Essay [22]

Greetings!

Would we be trying, in that case, to extricate ourselves from the laws of nature? Because that does not sound possible ... or is that your point? That we can, by our actions, change the laws of nature? ("it should be possible to change her actions by making a real change in ourselves.") Is that not like saying that we can change the laws of physics? Do you believe that is possible?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Thesis: The significance of setting in "The Life You Save May Be You" [5]

Greetings!

While I can't speak to the accuracy of your thesis' premise, it sounds to me like a very interesting and probably provable one. If the three main characters do suffer from moral and physical deficiencies, drawing the metaphorical comparison to the desolate farm should be just a matter of finding specific instances to compare. I didn't find your thesis vague at all. I'd suggest that you go ahead with your writing, and see if you can't come up with some sound proof for your thesis. It sounds like you're off to a good start!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / End of Suffering -- Essay [22]

Greetings, Rajiv!

You pose some interesting questions! Tell me if this interpretation is correct: that however we reacted to our circumstances, it is a natural reaction to whatever Nature handed to us?

This phrase is confusing to me, unless you were to put "do" at the end: "and this we believe we can, "

I like your last sentence/question!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / help with research paper on legalizing Marijuana [4]

Greetings!

I'd be glad to help you get started! What you need is a good, strong thesis which your research can support. Something like this might work for you:

Spend billions of tax dollars putting the equivalent of the entire population of San Francisco in jail every year and what do you have? A formula for failure. That is our government's war on a drug which most doctors feel is less harmful than alcohol: marijuana.

You'll want to do your own research to verify the figures you use, of course; I got these numbers from a quick internet search, and, of course, some sources are either higher or lower -- but you get the idea!

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Role of Construction Industry in Macro Economics - Need help [2]

Greetings!

You might want to check out HM Treasury site here: hm-treasury.gov.uk for such things as the Barker Review, a financial report on the housing industry.

If you find the economics slant a bit heavy to wade through, there are magazines and trade journals which discuss both the construction industry and macro-economic management of the UK economy. You may be able to find articles in either type of periodical which focus on that particular issue.

In talking about the "role traditionally played" by the construction industry, you may need to go back for a bit of history, so surveys which cover a number of years or decades might also be useful. Be sure to do an internet search of all your relevant terms, in various combinations. It can sometimes be surprising how just changing the wording a little or putting all or part of it in quotation marks can yield more results.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Pre-agricultural and modern diets [2]

Greetings!

Great job, as usual! Here are some editing tips for you:

"Mummy, what do we eat?" - This is a small point, but "Mummy" is more of a British term, seldom used by American kids, who would say "Mommy" or just "Mom."

However, [b]archaeology provides [delete 'with'] evidence that demonstrates the pre-agricultural subsistence pattern

The translation from the hypothesised pre-agricultural lifestyle to the contemporary routine observed in the United States of America has influenced the composition of [delete 'the'] dietary consumption along with the medical consequences over [delete 'the'] individuals. - I'm sure it's very confusing trying to figure out when to leave the article "the" out in English. A general guideline is that you don't need it when speaking of a general category of things, rather than specific things. So, "dietary consumption" which is a general term, but "the medical consequences," because you are referring to specific consequences, and "individuals" because you are not speaking of a specific set of individuals.

Similarly, say "the evolutionary history of human beings." You would use "the" if you meant a certain group of human beings; for example, "the evolutionary history of the human beings who live next door to me."

medical consequences over [the] individuals due to [the] domestication. - you don't need either "the" here, for the same reason.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Haemoglobin & natural selection in areas plagued by malaria [2]

Greetings!

You manage to make this subject comprehensible even to those of us who know nothing about the topic. Very good!

Some editing suggestions:

Since Darwin revealed his theory of evolution, [comma] conventional wisdom has considered that species could escape [delete "the"] extinction thanks to the transmission of favourable characteristics as conspicuous.

beneficiate - not a word; how about "benefit"? :-)

Surprisingly enough, the distribution of this allele displays high rates in certain areas of the world, despite the fact that HbS mutation is relatively exceptional in the global population, and epitomizes the interrelations between the allele for [delete "the"] haemoglobin S and [delete "the"] malaria.

they benefit from a longer lifespan due to the fact they do not die from either malaria or sickle-cell anaemia. - Because this is a negative statement [they do not die], use either/or instead of neither/nor.

The selective agent in this case is the malaria that acts as a pathogen agent and that is conveyed through the mosquitoes, which are the vectors of the disease, exercises a selective pressure on human populations. - This is hard to follow. I would rewrite it like this: The selective agent in this case is malaria, which exercises a selective pressure on human populations. It acts as a pathogen agent and is conveyed through mosquitoes, which are the vectors of the disease.

"You Can't Judge a Book by its Cover" - capitalize song titles. I like how you always end with some popular reference. This one is just a bit of a stretch ... but I like it anyway. :-))

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Inaccurate depiction of Neanderthals in the popular media [2]

Greetings!

I'd be glad to help with some editing:

The Neanderthals' anatomy and culture highlight their kind of bipedalism as well as their intelligence and dexterity. (I think that's what you meant.)

researchers who have thought the Neanderthals could have been naturally bents and therefore not fully erected.

Actually, Neanderthals' graves have been discovered

Nonetheless, anthropologists have gradually been revealing a more accurate description of the Neanderthals' physical appearance

Finally, the derision of Homo sapiens neanderthalensis should also be avoided insofar as it could amount to ridiculing ourselves since recent advances in molecular biology have permitted scientists to trace our genetic descent

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Hominid species during the Pleistocene [2]

Greetings!

Another fine essay! Here are some editing tips for you:

So astonishing a conclusion leads us to closely examine what Hominid species have been during the Pleistocene, where they have lived and consider why there has only been one surviving species.

The Homo erectus individuals are of particular importance since they were the first hominids who left Africa.

which have been only composed of mandibles and partial parietal bones, the genus has been defined as Homo; [semicolon] the species is difficult to classify with certitude.

another species in the genus Homo has surfaced in Europe and Asia and is associated with the anatomically modern Homo sapiens:

Scientists have revealed that those individuals lived in Israel and Iraq from about one hundred twenty five thousand years ago to sixty thousand years ago,

prior Homo species have not achieved avoiding extinction because

certain elements that could moderate that view and open new vistas.

Homo sapiens could have had more dominant advantageous traits that have led to producing more and more sapiens-like individuals in the descent lines

Great work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / GRE Pro and Con Essay [2]

Greetings!

I think you're asking some good questions! I think the important thing is not so much the conclusions you draw as the logical process you go through to get there. So, a discussion of what "freedom" means is certainly in order. I believe the important question is not what "they" want freedom to mean, as what you feel it means.

Having said that, keep in mind that if you take the "Con" argument, you are saying "Without freedom, I would still want to be alive" so you need to be able to support that stance. Having a logical, rational thought process to the question is the most important thing.

Here is more information about writing pro-con essays. I hope this helps to answer your questions!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Stress - cause and effect paper [3]

Greetings!

I think you're off to a very good start! I'll just make some editing suggestions:

There are times in life where stress is not a factor; [use semicolon] other times people may feel so stressed that they have a hard time even focusing on the simplest things.

I knew I'd be out of a job in a week

deciding what I really want to do with the rest of my life

This is where stress comes in, where one begins to wonder how to deal with all of this without breaking down, and staying strong for those around you.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Sociobiology - theory and practical application [2]

Greetings!

Merci beaucoup! Bien que je ne puisse pas personnellement recevoir votre aide, I am sure that if any students need help with their French essays, they would be very appreciative if you wanted to post some comments to assist them!

Here are a few editing suggestions for you:

the sociobiologists, have engaged in the study of the interrelations between humans' biology and behaviour,

First, the psychobiologists assume that humans' behaviour, which are the aggregate responses to internal as well as external stimuli, - This is a tricky one, but I feel certain that "behaviour" must always be singular; therefore, you would need to use "is" instead of "are"; however, "which is the aggregate responses" doesn't sound right either! I would suggest saying "human behaviour, comprising the aggregate responses to..." Although it is not incorrect to say "humans' behaviour" you are also allowed to simply say "human behaviour." (So that our American students won't be confused, I will point out that, although you attend an American university, you use British English, which I am sure you were taught when you learned English in school--hence, "behaviour" instead of "behavior.")

and have transmitted their behaviours until now through genetics. - The phrase "until now" is used slightly differently in French and English. There is an implication, in English, that if you say "until now" you mean that the action is now stopping, in which case you'd be saying the behaviors were transmitted until now, but no longer are, which is not what you mean. It would be better to say "have transmitted their behaviours, over time, through genetics."

An application for individuals may be, for example, medical therapies. [add commas]

There are as many applications as concerns raised by human behaviours.

the scientific corroboration of the paradigm of [delete "the"] sociobiology

causes of behaviours could be found in everyone's genetic code

Tres bien!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Time of origin of modern human language [2]

Greetings!

You're welcome, Frederic, we're glad to help! Here are some editing suggestions:

As a French student in an American university, who seeks to ameliorate his employability on the global job market, I have been fully aware of the importance of [delete "the"] communication. My mother tongue, French, and its cousin's tongue, English, have never [do you really mean "kept"? I would think "stopped"?] demonstrating the splendid intricacy of both their divergences and their similarity.

A subfield of anthropology, called linguistics, focuses on the study of the distinctions of contemporaneous languages through ethnosemantics, which scrutinizes the meanings of the words in relation to folk taxonomies, or sociolinguistics, which examines the languages in their social context. - While not technically a run-on sentence, it is quite long. It would be better to make this two sentences.

Such physiological information, although it is highly valuable for understanding the origin of the modern human language, requires, nonetheless, to be compared with current primates to identify up to what extent our ancestors have been closer to contemporary human or nonhuman primates,

Excellent work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com