Undergraduate / Florida State Essay - Latin terms used correctly? [2]

This is great! The poem is great, and the inspiration you draw from your brother is, too. I think you can improve the essay by focusing more on YOUR goals. You wrote: "Being accepted into Florida State University is my goal," but i think that is not a good goal. You need to make some room to talk about what you are going to do with this inspiration, with your intended major, with the resources at FSU.

Can you make some room to discuss -- at the beginning of the essay part and then again at the end -- your goals and aspirations as they relate to one or more of those concepts. You must spend some time to show that you understand those three concepts. Ideally, you should show that you understand them by referring to them in relation to you and your brother.

Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / "Pacing and pacing" - Fsu Admission Essay Vires [3]

Pacing and pacing, I've paced back and forth for hours, sneakers grinding against the concrete beneath my floor.

How about a semi-colon here:

Now I realize what my grandparent's meant when they told me to enjoy my youth; I should not wish it away, because soon enough you will be wishing for it back.

In that first paragraph, it would be good to give a succinct answer to their question about those Latin words. Part of good composition is introducing an essay in a way that lets the reader know what your main point is -- and then "arguing" your point.

You have a great way of writing! It is going to have to get more organized, though. I think it would be good to try breaking this into more paragraphs, adding to them, and then rearranging them. See what you come up with.

Add a sentence to the intro paragraph that answers this: Describe how Vires is reflected in you life. You DO a great job of capturing it throughout the essay, but I wonder if you can capture it in a single sentence in that intro paragraph.

Undergraduate / Slower runners - FSU essay -vires, needs to be looked over [2]

When you refer to a word, put it in " " marks: The ideals within the Latin word "Vires" are...

You should probably capitalize those Latin words. they did, so you should.

The ideals represented by the Latin word "Vires" are not traits with which a person is born, but rather, ones that develop with time and experience.

See how I moved those commas to make it nicer?

I like how you ended para #2. Use a comma, though, to separate 2 halves of a compound sentence: Vires is strength of all kinds, and my determination was to escape the temptations that could lead to my demise.

Actually, that could make more sense this way:

Vires is strength to achieve what you have determined to achieve -- and my determination was to escape the temptations that could lead to my demise.

Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / FSU Essay, my father, my family, vires artes mores [2]

Religion and my family, especially my grandfather, have provided my guiding prrinciples throughout my life.

I think you should add one more sentence to the intro to directly answer the question and tell what the essay is going to "argue." What is the main point going to be? Capture your answer to their question in a single sentence, and add it to that intro paragraph.

One para talks about religion, another talks about your grandfather's accomplishments, another is about your family... but at the end of each paragraph you should write a sentence about how it relates to Vires, Artes, or Mores.

You need to add a little to connect it better to those concepts. Don't be discouraged!! :) One more draft.

Undergraduate / 'The whole world is one big stage' - Admission Essay- Vires, Artes, Mores [2]

Use a comma to separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence:

I open my eyes, and I am completely surrounded in darkness.

There is a flash of blinding light, and I feel myself drift into another world, a different dimension.

I'll trim out some unnecessary words:

My heart is beating against my chest at such a rate of speed that I feel it could burst open at any second.

I like how you are writing in the present verb tense! That is always powerful.

Hey, at the end, you quote Shakespeare: "The world is but a stage..." so it is important to show your intelligence by citing him:

The whole world is one big stage, as Shakespeare wrote, and we are so many actors. Everyone plays...

See thivanka.blogspot.com/2005/12/world-is-but-stage.html

IMPORTANT: I think you need to rewrite the intro and conclusion in a way that shows that you understand Vires, Artes, and Mores, understand their question, and are answering it directly. Mention those Latin words in your intro and conclusion. Let's see another draft! :)

Graduate / 'the eldest of three girls /the research industry' Supplement for Rush Medical School [3]

Less is more with writing. The less you tax the reader's attention with unnecessary things, the more IMPACT your words make.

I believe Being the eldest of three girls, for most of my life minus one year; I was thrust into the leadership role as far back as I can remember.

What it took ten years for me to accomplish it only took was accomplished by them in only four years.

You write very well! However, Stephen King says, "Writing is rewriting." That means you can keep improving this.

Add a topic sentence to the front of every paragraph. Do this by asking yourself what main idea you are trying to convey in answer to their question.

Next, I think you should find all the unnecessary phrases and sentences and get rid of them to make more room. You can tell if something is unnecessary by asking yourself if it helps to make the point you introduced in the paragraph's topic sentence.

Finally, go back and check to see if the last sentence of each paragraph gives some closure to the idea it expresses or if it transitions to the next paragraph by introducing the next paragraph. Try to either give closure or transition. When I say "give closure," I mean the last sentence should sort of reflect on that main idea introduced in the topic sentence...

Book Reports / Heart of Darkness/Apocalypse now Comparison [2]

Hey that sure sounds like an impressive response. What is this "the horror" concept from?

I mean, where did they get the concept to which they are referring?

I just did some research, and I'm feeling confident in your answer. "Spiritual horror" is a concept central to Heart of Darkness, for example.

I would revise, though:

Through the use of surrealism, Heart of Darkness and Apocalypse Now both portray "the horror" as being the loss of civil morality through their use of surrealism in man's in favor of uninhibited violence and ungoverned greed.

Graduate / 'Hardware Design Engineer' - the Statement of Purpose for Grad Prog in ECE [3]

Let's add one more sentence to that first paragraph, a sentence that specifically answers that question. What doors will the education open for you? What specific resources/programs does this school have? What is the main point of your essay, the specific answer to the question.

Capture it in a sentence, and put that sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

Oh! I see that in the conclusion you get into your specific interests. That is great. Put a bit of that in the first paragraph, and make it your main point that you want readers to "take away" from the essay. It is very impressive--so, not all you have to do is make the essay stand for something, a particular idea. Show them that you have clearly envisioned goals.

Writing Feedback / We, young people, should plan and organize as the modern life is more complex. [3]

...that having those abilities enables one to work and...

I suggest adding one more sentence to that intro paragraph -- a brilliant, thoughtful sentence that reveals a meaningful insight you had into the importance of planning. For example, does planning enable you to avoid missing opportunities? Say something a bit more specific, so that the reader of the essay can say, "Oh, I see that this student is making a case for the importance of planning as (A moral responsibility? A strategy for gaining competitive advantage? A skill made necessary by advances in technology and globalization?)

Oh, I see that you gave some great examples, and the essay began to really have definition. Now that you see what you wroe, go back and revise the intro paragraph so that it introduces these specific points you made.

Then, do the same for the conclusion. State your main point in both intro and conclusion. This needs to be done after the essay is finished (i.e. now). Great job!!

Undergraduate / 'Being a product of my environment' - Florida State essay VIRES [3]

"Vires" represents the moral, mental, and physical strength necessary for acting with confidence to advance our state, our nation, and our world. In order to embody Vires, one needs to be as strong as they are you have to have skills -- skills that are developed through...

I suggest adding a topic sentence to the front of each paragraph -- not the intro, but all the others. You should read each paragraph, decide what it's main idea is, and then capture that main idea in the opening sentence. For example:

Vires develops in response to adversity and opportunities in one's environment. As a seventeen-year-old female, almost...

Good luck!!

Writing Feedback / learning language in your own country or the country it is spoken. [2]

You write very clearly, and with good grammar. I think there is an error in that first sentence, though. Should it be like this?

Although there are some advantages to learning a foreign language one's home country, I firmly...

In that last paragraph, I don't think you should write, "In a word," because that means you are about to give a word that captures what you mean.

The last paragraph is too short. You should make it longer by telling specifically what the advantages are. I know you did that in the body of the essay, but you have to re-state it somehow at the end. It seems that you are saying that total immersion in the culture enables one to learn the language with an understanding of the cultural context in which it is used -- for real understanding.

Undergraduate / this is my essay for university of notre dame. i need help with making it better [2]

After a few days at the centre, I knew what I wanted to do to help people if I was given the resources.

I added a comma above. It is not necessary, technically, but I think it makes it better.

Hey, you write beautifully, and you have a great story to tell! I suggest answering the question more directly, though. They are challenging you to analyze this notion of USING FREEDOM that is available to you in order to CREATE A FUTURE OF HOPE. This means that at the start of paragraph 2, you should directly answer their question.

Add a new paragraph #2 (so that para #2 becomes para #3) and refer directly to the Pope and his statement. Interpret what it means to create a future of hope, and acknowledge the ways in which an education at Notre Dame is going to increase your "freedom" and "empower" you to work toward achieving your ideal of a future of hope.

What threats cause us to have to hope? How does your intended major relate to providing hope? Answer those questions succinctly in para #2, and THEN go on to tell the story and give the examples.

Good luck!!

Writing Feedback / There are lots of unfairness between male and female over the past centuries. [2]

Verb tense and number agreement are giving you some difficulty:

There are lots of unfair events that occur between males and females over the past centuries. Most females have not been treated fairly , and they usually have been discriminated against male in many fields of society.

Hey, this is very thoughtful, very good. It shows that you speak English as a second language, but many students are still learning English. I is impressive that you are bilingual.

I think you should address the question in the first paragraph. Before that first paragraph is over, you should say:
However Some people insist that more benefits for women are still needed in this society, especially education, and sometimes they think quotas should be used to prevent discrimination. In this paper, I argue that it is necessary to take steps for promoting equality, but I do not think the use of quotas is appropriate in every subject.

Always let the reader know your argument in the first paragraph or two.

:) Good luck!!

Graduate / "Passion in life..." - Statement of purpose for electrical and computer department [7]

My Grandfather once gave me important advice, and the excellent way articulated it compelled me to write it down, so that I would never forget: "Passion in life built around learning new things and enhancing one's own skills -- driven by commitment -- this is what makes one successful in life."

Above, that is a suggestion for revising the intro. Just my idea, maybe it does not seem right to you.

You seem very smart, you'll definitely get in! Like many smart people, your sentences tend to be long; I suggest getting comfortable with the use of semi-colons and dashes -- the things that make long sentences more manageable.

I also suggest some brevity. Start a paragraph with a short sentence, and then follow with longer ones, as I am doing right here. Vary sentence length. You already write very well, very intelligently, so now you should try to do it with soothing rhythm.

Great job!

Undergraduate / 'delightful school' - FSU - Vires Artes Mores [2]

Interesting approach! At the start, I might use " " marks:

When a person is said to be "powerful," it could mean one of many different things.

For the end of the first paragraph, it seems a little convoluted. That last sentence, I mean. That last sentence of your first paragraph is important. It would be great to refer to Vires, Artes, and Mores in the body of that intro paragraph, but then choose one of them as the focus of the essay.

Actually, i think you are doing that with Vires, aren't you? It is just a little unclear.

For that first paragraph, it would be good like this:

When a person is powerful... Through excellence on the cheerleading mat, earning excellent grades, and supporting my classmates in their struggles, I have come to identify most with the Florida State University virtue known as "Vires."

That way, you can keep that virtue as the central focus of the essay. If you want to keep that last sentence of the first paragraph the way it is, use a dash and quotation marks:

Whether it's excelling on the cheerleading mat or receiving good grades on a term paper, I demonstrate "Vires" -- physical, moral, and intellectual strength.

Essays / PROGRAM OF STUDY ESSAY 4 Muskie [4]

Well, plenty of examples are available online (just google "statement of purpose" examples)

alumnus.caltech.edu/~natalia/studyinus/guide/statement/sampl es.htm

BUT, I think you should do some writing to express your ideas, first. What do you want to do? This is what you are all about, so be excited about writing it.

If I was going to school to be a counselor, for example, I would write all about my insights, personal philosophy, and specific areas of psychology that I love. Maybe I would write about the structural theory of Ronald Fairbairn. You should think of what you are passionate about, and really write something that comes from the heart.

Lets see you write a blog about it, and post it here. Do not worry about if it is "good." Just post your thoughts. What are you excited about?

Undergraduate / Engineering - Statement of Purpose for Undergraduate Studies. [4]

As I look around myself Looking around, I observe numerous devices that were designed and constructed by engineers.

Soon thereafter, the computer became my hobby.

Can you add something excellent to the first paragraph to make it more substantial? I think you should mention the thing about "everybody deserves a chance" in that first paragraph, so that at the end it wraps up nicely by referring to it again. You can write something specific about how the resources at this school will enable you to have a chance to play the specific roles you want to play as an engineer.

Undergraduate / Here is my essay for Purdue University. Can anyone look at it? [4]

Great job! I would have enjoyed it if you told the context within which your father gave that advice. Did he mean that you should discipline yourself to be proactive when opportunity is presented? What was the situation, why did he say that?

If you explain it more, it will be more meaningful. Is it really true that you would not have gotten those experiences if he had not given that advice? It sounds like a guiding principle for life: Do not be lazy when opportunity knocks. Do not fail to rise to the occasion.

I think you should change the first 2 sentences in the first paragraph. Say something about the circumstances that made your father's comment give you a revelation. Expand on how he explained it.

Undergraduate / Short Activity essay on commonapp...about debate!~ [8]

Never having debated before high school, I trembled with fear in voice atduring my first appearance on a debate stage.

Having to react and express ideas within seconds, I also acquired a new kind of focus , which kind of gave me a bright temperament in appearance.

...I was given demanding tasks, and was teachers planned to refine me into the best girl debater in the team.

Hey, that is a strong finish! Great job.

Undergraduate / "to develop a strong character" - Florida State Application Essa [3]

Maybe you should add a sentence to the beginning of that first paragraph. Perhaps a sentence about the use of guiding principles... or a sentence about learning something about yourself. Never be afraid to go back anf add a strong opening sentence after the paragraph is written.

Hey, wait a minute... I thought you were going to tell how you discovered that you had not known what they meant to you. But... you never explain what you meant by that. Now that the essay is written, you can add a better thesis sentence... considering these experiences you describe, can you tell the most important insight you got from thinking of your life in terms of "Vires, Artes, Mores?"

Capture that most important insight in a sentence, and add it to the end of the intro paragraph. Then, write it again in different words somewhere in the conclusion. Let it be the central truth that a reader might "take away" from the experience of reading your essay. Use the first and last paragraph to present a lesson that can be learned from your life's manifestations of "Vires, Artes, and Mores."

Undergraduate / "the opportunities to excel in the major of my choice." - FSU Admissions Essay [8]

You might want to add something to that first paragraph...something to grab the attention. Wrrite something that one might not expect to see, maybe an interesting take on the "Vires, Artes, Mores" concepts. I don't know if the best way to start is by saying your family taught good values, etc -- it is always god to start by entertaining the reader with something rhythmic or unexpected.

Religion is a very important aspect of Jamaican life.

I think you need to do a little more work on this, because you don't talk about the three virtues. Sorry! It is a great essay, and it lets the reader get to know you. BUT, it is important to write an essay about those virtues. So... in light of this person you describe, how can you describe your plans for the future in terms of those three virtues?

:)

good luck!!

Research Papers / Economic Crisis in Clinton Missouri - Research Essay [4]

This is excellent! You can make it better by checking each sentence to see if you can convey the same meaning in fewer words... but that is true of all writing.

As for the last paragraph, I think you should scrap the first sentence. "Expected by whom?" comes to mind... just scrap that sentence. If you can look for a subtle truth about economic struggle -- something specific that is revealed in this case example -- you can mention it in the intro paragraph and then again at the conclusion. I mention this, because the essay needs something to make it unique. What can you add to make it memorable?

Undergraduate / making my college essay sing as loudly and well as I can. [4]

Maybe you should add a sentence at the beginning to intrigue the reader -- maybe a sentence about discovering that you were wrong about yourself in some way. Intrigue at the start!

Next, let them see that cool sentence about being Artes but needing the other two.

Following that sentence, give the first paragraph a third sentence by explaining what you mean a little more.

Finally, add a fourth sentence to that first paragraph -- a sentence that sums up the overall meaning of the essay... a theme that is like the moral of the story.

By doing those things to beef up the first paragraph, you make the whole essay stronger. It is all about leading the reader's attention.

It will be good if you add a sentence to connect these interests with your plans for success at this particular school.

Good luck!!

Writing Feedback / First Philosophy Essay; Pascal's Wager and the Advent of Infinite Future Gods [8]

This is excellent. I don't see any grammatical errors. You could use some short, succinct topic sentences to make the whole thing easier to follow, because it is a complex discussion.

Especially in the first paragraph, you might want to add a clarifying sentence -- perhaps at the end. It is already quite clear, but you could do even better. You can add an attention-grabbing sentence at the start of that first paragraph, and then you can restate your thesis argument succinctly at the end. Can you state your thesis in a ten word sentence? That is always a good challenge.

You could also challenge the assertion (that one should believe in god for the sake of usefulness) by pointing out that we cannot really decide whether or not to believe something. If something does not ring true, we will have doubts, but if something rings true we cannot help but believe it!

Undergraduate / I cannot wait to get to know you; Stanford Supplement - roommate [7]

It's perfect! You are a great writer. I suggest typing twelve instead of 12 and eight instead of 8.

The last sentence could be improved:

I am sure I have much to learn from you as we embark on the rest of our process here at Stanford, and I cannot wait to begin our friendship.

How about that? I don't know if you can "embark" on the "rest of your lives."

That is no big deal, though, you write very well. I like what you said about music as an expression of the soul.

Writing Feedback / Free Art; positive artistic activities should always be encouraged [6]

Hey, I like this first sentence a lot! I would make a small change, though:

...definitely make us very much proud of our...

your 1st paragraph has only 2 sentences. I think you should add one more sentence to that paragraph, and use it to take a stand on the issue.

Oh, I see that you took a stand in the 1st sentence of the 2nd paragraph... but I think you should make that argument in the last sentence of the first paragraph, too. That way, the 2nd paragraph will sever to explain the assertion you made in paragraph #1.

Creative, and more importantly, positive artistic activities, from my point of view, should always be encouraged. Who is to say what is positive? This would be stronger if you really made a clear argument based on your opinion. Give a solution. Should censorship be permitted if certain criteria are met? For example, should certain words or images be barred from certain Internet sites? It would be good if you gave an arguable thesis. Right now, you are wishy-washy!!

:) The writing is good, though!

Undergraduate / "Benny? Benny?! Where are you?" (Rutgers essay appl.) [18]

This has a great, energetic beginning I would trim it a little, though:

"Benny? Benny?! Where are you? Oh my goodness! Where's Benny? Has anyone seen Benny? BEN! Where are you?!"

That is just what came to mind for me. It was great already, though.

Oops, don't capitalize grandmother and grandfather when you are using them that way. Only capitalize those terms if you are using it as a name, like: "I asked Grandfather to give me a ride home." But when you refer to my grandfather or your grandfather, do not capitalize it.

Separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence with a comma:

We were the best of friends, and they were coming over at 8 AM so that we could go swimming in the backyard.

They were the people with whom I spent most of my life. with .

I remember a One boy saw a clown fish and he screamed "Nemo!" All the kids watched the fish in amazement.

I really like the rhythm of these two sentences together: My cousin Benny was sleeping, face up, next to the pool, his mother yelling to him, and patting his face. She was pushing his chest up and down. That is some great writing!!!!!

Writing Feedback / students should take a year between school and Univer for working, traveling [3]

For Students who get a job they can apply their theoretical knowledge...

I see some typos in that 2nd paragraph.

many difficulties when returning to the process of study . to come back studies.

This is great, because it is succinct and clear. Can you think of one main truth that you reveal in this essay and write a sentence about it in the conclusion? A principle that is at work, some words of wisdom about the issue... what wuld you tell a student who was trying to decide whether to take time off or not. Add something to that conclusion, something that lets the reader know you a little bit.

Undergraduate / I found out firsthand just how dangerous snowboarding could be. UCF: "bump in the road" [4]

Do you remember the part of the Karate Kid movies when Mr. Miyagi was trimming the Bonzai trees? That means there is art in trimming. What can you take away that will change the reader's experience?

Topic sentences are important for clarity, but don't let them be boring. shortening this by combining the first 2 sentences of some paragraphs into a single, powerful sentence.

In this essay, take the last sentence of the first paragraph, and make it the first sentence of the 2nd paragraph. Then, get rid of the rest of that original 1st paragraph so that the sentence you moved becomes the 1st sentence of the essay. See if you like it that way.

I think you should cut as many sentences as possible, only the ones that are statements of the obvious, boring, unnecessary, and so forth. Brevity is key!!! I value brevity so much, when I order a coffee I sometimes just say, "Medium regular, please!" even though I actually prefer milk instead of cream...

Essays / Right is Left, Left is Right - help me understand this essay & decide on topic! [4]

Hi Cortney,

If these are the only instructions given by the prof, s/he really did not do a good job of making them clear. Ironic, since this is a class about communication problems.

When you get convoluted instructions like these, it is good to paste them into a word doc and put spaces between them so they become a list. Ask yourself, what the heck am I supposed to do? and scan for the answer. In this case, you'll find that the prof wants a thoughtful discussion of values that SEEM TO BE IN CONFLICT WITH ONE ANOTHER, creating a sort of paradox or "catch-22."

Oh! I just noticed that you said the prof gave more instructions than just these, so maybe I was wrong to criticize!

Anyway, choose an issue -- maybe gun control, homosexual marriage, or stem cell research -- and make a list of all the "values" involved in both perspectives about the issue.

Choose your issue, make a list of values, and use a good article database to find articles about those issues. Have fun with it, because this is a cool, philosophical exploration!

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

Vague terror, ha ha. Yes indeed. Dull terror. Frantic, an existential emergency.

Ha ha, so, you keep asking what the Big Question is, but that remark revealed that you know what it is, the Question I'm talking about.

How silly: A kid grows up being told about Old Testament stuff and going through rituals at church, and then s/he grows older and finds it all to be silly. Disillusioned, the kid asserts his/her atheism. Having taken on "atheism" as part of the developing identity, the kid disregards the Big Question.

My brother went through that common process, and he said he gets annoyed when people even talk about the Big Question. "Why talk about what can't be known?" he asks, exasperated, but how does he know it can't be known?

Haven't you ever tried to remember something, but you couldn't, and then it suddenly came back to you? Thre are unanswered questions in this reality, and life is long... you may yet remember something!!!

And I heard a rumor that meditation leads to certain transformation.

But what I still want to emphasize is that the question of whether or not there is a spaghetti monster and the question of whether or not our experience continues after this body dies are two different questions.

I agree with you that some people are silly to believe certain fairy tales. BUT for a long time I've been arguing that it is possible for our experience to continue after the body dies. What do you think?

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]


Simone, you're awesome. Thanks for posting these insights...

Several weeks ago you recommended The Tao of Physics by Capra. I got it, and I'm so happy to be reading it! I hesitated, because it is so old that I thought it might be outdated, but actually, many of the discoveries in atomic and quantum physics that were made in the first half of the 20th century are HUGE steps toward reconciling science with the enlightenment traditions.

With regard to what you wrote about the existentialist idea that "you are what you do"... it made me think of this: "In modern physics, the universe is experienced as a dynamic, inseparable whole which always includes the observer."-- Capra.

Einstein's relativity theory does not just mean that time is relative to space... apparently, all phenomena are relative to the being doing the experiencing!!

Anyway, I am really enjoying the Capra book, and with gratitude I recommend to you the obscure book that became more important for me than all the others (and there are many others):

Qigong Meditation: Embryonic Breathing by Yang Jwing Ming.

Dr. Yang is a modern scientist applying the principles of physics to understand the electricity involved in acupuncture and its role in creating thee crazy experience called enlightenment. His book affected me so deeply that I actually got an apartment near boston 3 years ago in order to become his student, and I'm still here!

The body is like a battery. If you increase the body's capacity to store and circulate bioelectricity (by running a current through it often, through qigong and tai chi practice, etc)... you can increase the electrical conductivity in the space between the two hemispheres of the brain (sometimes called the 3rd eye), you can perhaps become receptive to signals that you were never able to pick up prior to your practice.

In Chinese medicine, it's known that energy follows the attention. That is why energy flows to the points that have needles stuck in them. Also, energy goes whereever you are looking. That's why it feels good to have someone pay attention to you -- you are getting energy! Based on that, it is easy to understand why meditation can physically change the body; meditation is one of the few activities that puts the attention INSIDE the body, thus drawing electricity into the body instead of constantly pouring it out.

Oh, how significant it is to know how to collect energy and store it, to know that the body is a battery. For example: Daoists not only brush their teeth, but they click their teeth together to stimulate the gums.. because they know that stimulation is crucial. And check out this 90 year old guy who could kick my butt:

People's hair gets grey because of an energy shortage.

Children breath from the low abdomen, teens from mid abdomen, adults from the upper abdomen, and older adults from the chest. Shallow breathing is part of the reason the body gets dysfunctional.

So, Qigong (energy work) is crucial. People just don't know about it!!!!

By meditating, you might be able to increase the electrical conductivity at the third eye, and activate more brain cells, etc. So... I have tons of confidence in the possibility of something called "enlightenment."

Wanted to let you know...

:-)

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]


Who says! Adams, I assume. He is cool, for sure. But the whole point of meditation in the enlightenment traditions is to pursue this rumor that a person's experience of reality can change. I mean, that is not unrealistic...

And it has nothing to do with the old fairy tales that have become religions. It has nothing to do with imaginary things.

Just because someone proposes a fairy tale as an answer to a serious question... that does not mean that intelligent people should assume that NO answer exists for that question!!!

Some atheists associate the Big Question with the silliness of certain religious believers. That is a mistake!!

Want to know what atheists have in common with religious fundamentalists? Both have become COMPLACENT in their search for the answer to the Big Question!!! Religious fundamentalists became complacent when they opted for blind faith in a story, and atheists became complacent when they realized that the story was silly and wrongly assumed that the question is silly, too!

But there is a third group: those of us in the "enlightenment traditions," within Daoism, Buddhism, and Hinduism. Even within these traditions there are fairy tales, but not all of us accept them. Some of us fast and meditate and wait for it to happen -- a memory of something long forgotten!

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]


Yes, good call. It's an absurd generalization. I guess I would say, also, that it is imprecise to associate this generation, spoiled by modern technology particularly with MTV. Why not call it the fast food generation or the cable tv generation? You could refer to a lot of things other than MTV. So... that is a good call. On the other hand, it can be useful to give the paper an MTV theme.

I skimmed the rest of the discussion, too, great funny arguments. I can't even keep up! I think the issues covered in this thread are so broad and complex that it is necessary to focus on what is most important, most urgent. Sean is right when he says that religions and cults involve accepting ideas for which there is insufficient evidence, so what can I say? Given this situation of insufficient information, but in which a Big Question remains to be answered, I have to continue to refine my consciousness through meditation in hopes that answers will come to me spontaneously.

Perhaps I'll soon know the answer to the big question spontaneously, the same way a bird spontaneously knows to build a nest or the way bees spontaneously know how to communicate through a weird dance the location of food: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Instinct

I bet the big question is answerable, so the important thing to do is keep refining consciousness through meditation.

See, that is pragmatic spirituality, right there!! :) That is applied agnosticism. When you look at what Zen Buddhism is, for example, you see brilliant, proactive agnosticism.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

Simone, I went straight to ebay to order those Capra books, thanks!!I had not heard of them.

Rajiv, you wrote some very beautiful posts above!

02Nishessh, thanks for that great contribution about Maya. Is Maya the same as what has also been called "Samsara?" I think it is...


If you believe something in order to fulfill some purpose, it means you are choosing to believe it. All your reasoning is based on the atheist's assumption that people practice spirituality as so much self-deception.

Your arguments consist mostly of deductive reasoning, but what about inductive reasoning?

I wonder if you consider yourself an atheist, agnostic, or something else...

You argue very sensibly that it is logical to note the way things seem to happen and draw conclusions, but your way of thinking would only be appropriate if the whole of reality was not based on inconceivable, spontaneous existence. Your way of thinking seems to ignore The Big Question. In the past, you have said that it is purposeless to spend time wrestling with the big question, since it is impossible to answer, but the fact that such a Big Unanswrable Question exists at the foundation of reality should change the way you think about reality.

It should reduce your confidence in "things as they seem."

It should make you believe that limitless possibilities exist. You have argue that some things are highly improbable, that the continuation of my experience after the body dies is highly improbable (correct me if I'm wrong), but to me it seems no more improbable than this experience I am having now.

I think the difference between you and me is that I think there is a being inhabiting this slowly-dying body, and you think that the body IS the being. Does that seem like an accurate description of our difference?

You seem to assume that you have the nature of a human being "figured out" at least to the extent that you assume experience stops when th body dies. I think that someone like me, who makes no firm assumptions about the nature of the being that inhabits this body, represents a very pure form of agnosticism.

I mean, what have we been arguing about exactly? I argue that the fact that I am having an experience right now suggests a possibility that I will have other experiences on an ongoing basis, even after the body dies. What do you argue in that regard?

If I AM going to have other experiences after this life, perhaps there is a way to influence what experience I'll have. That means I might have some urgent figuring out to do! :-)

Graduate / Post-graduation Statement of Purpose [22]

You have the word "by" appear twice in that first sentence...

It would be great if you could eplace that first sentence, which is a statement o the obvious, with a sentence that says something uniqu about your aspirations pertaining to the school. What is your clear, well-defined, specific vision for the use you will make of this school? Can you capture that in the intro sentence, and really make the reader know what kind of dreams you have?

With regard to my formal education, I graduated...

Or even:

With regards to my formal education, I graduated...

I graduated with a Bachelor of Fine Art in Graphic Design -- a subject in which I have had great interest since my schooling days. Decorating and designing things to make them look good always fascinated me.

With the uniqueness of this business and design co-related course, I am looking forward to working and gaining experience in advertising and design.

Good luck with this! In addition to what I did, I bet some other people will find more improvements to make.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

Rajiv, I had to read your last post over and over again before I caught the meaning. Thanks for that meditation, I'll use it.

Lately, I have been making progress with Tai Chi Chuan, and I'm really able to feel a lot of tingling along the merideans as they're mapped out by Chinese medicine. So... I have a lot of faith in the Daoist mediation taught by Yang Jwing Ming. It has the ring of truth...

Writing Feedback / Help with a paragraph about marketing claims [7]

All marketing claims should be capable of substantiation through the use of evidence.

Moreover, in the UK, fewer references were provided in magazine advertising during this 2009 studycompared with the previous study that was conducted in 2002.

Although, we have seen an increase in the number of references cited to support claims in India compared with the earlier study, our findings suggest that there is a need for regulatory bodies in the these countries to strengthen the control of the availability raise the standards for substantiation of evidence to support marketing claims.

Your English is great already. You have just a few mistakes. Above, I tried to make it a little better...

Writing Feedback / a pretty short story, Return of satan [5]

Hi Newsha31,


That (above) has powerful implications! SO, you did not come up with the ides for this, but you wrote this great story? How did you come up with the names? I like the way you think.

...that he was, and that he hasn 't shown any sign of remorse .

Or... any sign of having reformed.

This story has profound implications. I think it will be a big success in whatever class this involves. You should keep revising this over the years as your personal philosophy continues to change. Maybe it'll end up as a screenplay. I want to play God!!

Good luck with this; you're great!

Undergraduate / 'Economics in Chengdu' - Letter of motivation to University of Amsterdam [13]

You wrote:: ...we are living in everyday.
"Everyday," as one word, is an adjective I think. I'm not sure because using that word is not an everyday experience for me. If I use the word every day, I'll get good at it.

So, you need to use it as 2 words, I think.

Also, I wanted to say that your opening paragraph is very impressive -- Sean will probably think I like it because you mention meditation, which I talk about all the time. But actually, I am very impressed by your way of writing. It's so direct, and you lead the reader.

Oh, I se a mistake in the sentence that involver "foreigners"... but Sean already corrected it. I actually suggest that you find another word to use... not "foreigners." Eve though you are using it in a good way, it is an ugly word!

Isn't "foreigner" an ugly word? Ha ha, I have always thought that.