Research Papers / Gradute Studies Final Research Project Question [16]

You have to identify a problem. "Blood, sweat, or money," is what one adviser said. You have to show, through your research, how a problem can be solved through the use of resources in this direction that you describe. What have you come up with? You'll also need to choose a research design; do you have one in mind?

Graduate / Statement of Purpose "An Award for Drawing" [25]

The way you begin the last paragraph is good! Use a hyphen for film-making.

Oh, I see what you mean about continuing your idea from the first paragraph when begining the second; yes, that is great.

I like it a lot better with the opening sentence about being an artist as an engineer.

It was in third grade that I first received an award for drawing. This sentence does not really help. I think it is better without it! :)

Yes, I think the sentence inside parentheses should be cut, too.

The essay is very well-written; I think the awkward part is that first paragraph. Can you give a single, powerful theme, like "perseverance"? If you do, it will make sense to mention fibromyalgia in that first paragraph, and the whole essay will be about perseverance.

Undergraduate / US Prep school admission essay -- my future dream of being a diplomat [7]

Good luck! I really liked the idea of writing about being a diplomat. You can learn about a political science major in order to come up with good, supporting ideas.

Research Papers / Budget - Problem and solution research paper [8]

Maybe you could tax the students for their activities. Any activity that requires membership dues could have 5% added to it to support the student budget. That would be controversial and interesting. Like Sean said, though, it is hard to understand what you need.

Writing Feedback / Language-Way of Dialect- [5]

Have you ever imagined what it would be like if everybody could speak the same language? It would be very easy to communicate with everyone in the world. However, cultural differences are also at work. Cultural differences can create difficulty f or everyone.

On the positive side, if we can use same language, we will not have problem to communicate in foreign country. Then we will have less problems contacting their inhabitants .

Because we can communicate in these languages with people in many developed countries of the world.

What is the reason for choosing English, French, or German? I am not sure if I understood your meaning. I see that you are working hard to learn English. Good luck! Do you have any questions?

Writing Feedback / Bioethical Disputes: simple essay on explaining a concept [7]

Well, Sean's example was a good one: "respect for life versus respect for freedom." That is a "common thread" among many different issues. It can make it so that your essay is about one, overarching concept.

Undergraduate / There were times when I didn't craved for life. A shiny new car. (obstacle or bump essay) [4]

...myself alone and waiting for...

Maybe it is not good to say, "With my head down, I look up..."
Dreading and hoping it will forget me, I keep my head down, only raising my eyes to see it there, the...

My desire to be normal like the popular kids were never fulfilled . (The desire did exist, just not the satisfaction of the desire.)

Writing Feedback / Machine Learning versus Learning by Humans [51]

This, I feel, is what may be - as opposed to what definitely is not!

You know, I am having trouble recently with "as opposed to"... I recently learned the word "appose," which means to place side by side, so it makes me think that I have been wrong all these years to say "as opposed to." Does anyone know about this?

We may come upon some unfamiliar device, and our mind may try to put together some functions in an attempt to create something coherent as a whole. ----> makes me think of a book called Pattern Recognition by Gibson.

I get what you are saying! Well, I think I do. Could "consciousness" be a better word here than "conscience"?

Faq, Help / Tips for Being a Quality Contributor [9]

A Writer's Reference is what I was talking about, because that is the one I know. I don't know about the others, but she is great. Anyway, for what its worth, those plus Stephen King's On Writing taught me everything I know. That is great that you have Strunk and White.

About the red letters, that stuff is being changed all the time. Maybe you are right, and we should give everyone the red letters. :) Sounds funny to talk about. I'll ask.

Writing Feedback / I've vowed to change how I interact with people; Fruitful discussion. [5]

You are awesome, Mustafa. Great example of articulate honesty. In your writing, the verbosity is a natural result of being a good writer. We are all verbose. read that book by Stephen King that I always talk about; you'll love it. The one called On Writing.

Need a hyphen: so-called

In my opinion, Dowd is saying, to hell with the past; we are in unchartered territory, thus the hell with preconceived moral objections fashioned through the careful study of our history; essentially, all of it has no relevance now.

Use italics to show what he is essentially saying.

Your prof wants to make sure that you caught all of Dawd's meaning -- that none of it was lost on you.. Show that you fully understand Dowd by thoroughly analyzing his argument, and even acknowledging its merits.(unless I misunderstood the cmments from the prof.)

I agree with what you are saying about the problem with using 911 as an all access pass to crazy land. However, like I said, make sure you acknowledge all of Dowd's points, too. As for your argument, I agree with you about what you are saying but I have not read Dowd.

Undergraduate / US Prep school admission essay -- my future dream of being a diplomat [7]

...being proud of having acquired the important skills that will be important in my future dream of being as a (what kind of) diplomat.

Each student brings from his own homeland brings in a new taste of culture and mutual understanding .

...things that I won't be able...

Deep in my heart, I understand that after three years there , I would leave this place with more than what I had when I walked in.

This will be much better with 3 paragraphs.

What kind of diplomat? Do you want to study political science? Be specific about your future career. Research it online and add some details.

You have lots of good advice here in this thread. Let's see an even better draft! Separate it into paragraphs..

Writing Feedback / Today, the dominance of global product brands threatens individual identity [5]

...it is not always the case, because people are still unique in the ways they choose and use a product.

This is great! No, it is alright to write about brand names, so don't worry!

You write very well. Are you even learning English as a second language? If so, I am impressed, but you write as well as someone who grew up speaking English.

It is best if you give each paragraph at least 3 sentences, maybe even 4.

Essays / Help on thesis statement Subject: Greek heroism [13]

Stupid heroism! :)
Write a paragraph about each and post it. We'll see if a thesis presents itself. When you have written a paragraph about each, it is easy to see a thesis taking form. go back at the end and write it in an intro paragraph, AFTER most of the writing is done. You learn as you write, so it is easy to come up with a thesis at the end.

Essays / What role has cutural difference played in the lives of 20th century europeans? [6]

Well, it is not so broad if you are focusing on those books.

Make a List and Connect the Dots

Skim through Night and Cafe Europa, and take note of every occurrence of an interaction in which people judge one another based on culture, or make a decision based on a cultural value, etc.

You will have a long list of ideas and quotations with page references. When you do, fill in the space between them with brilliant writing. Turn every item from the list into a paragraph.

That's my best advice for this... I hope it helps!!!

Writing Feedback / Rough Draft on relation between the epigraph and Gatsby in The Great Gatsby [4]

For that first paragraph, which is only a sentence, I think you could add something in front of it to catch the reader's attention as the opening line. Then, add something AFTER it to serve as an even more refined thesis. You can restate the same argument in other, more precise words.

That way, you will have an opening paragraph. It will be full and interesting, with a well-defined argument.

In your second paragraph, you show the significance of wealth very well. The topic sentence connects nicely with the conclusion sentence. Now, do the same with the third paragraph. The third para needs a good topic sentence added to the beginning. See how topic and conclusion sentences wrap a paragraph up nicely?

Speeches / "World Rights" ; Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech [5]

Hi! Great speech!

There is no denying the fact that the "World Declaration of Rights" is ...
Or maybe, "Without question, the World...I don't know, it seems like something is missing, I could be wrong.

A colon is what to use to tell them that you are about to answer a question you raised:
Declaration of Independence: "We hold...

Now, you started a paragraph with a quote by Elvis. I think you should write the topic sentences and keep quotations within the body of the paragraph. All I'm saying is that I think you should add a sentence to the beginning of that paragraph to tell the main theme. Then, let the Elvis quotation be sentence number two.

Then again, if this is going to be a speech instead of a paper to hand in, I guess that does not matter!

At the end, I don't think "distinguished endowment" sounds right, but it could just be my preference. I think it sounds contrived... like, something you planned and rehearsed. A speech should seem natural.

Good luck! Do you really have to give the speech in front of an audience, or is it a writing assignment about a speech?

Grammar, Usage / Using an ellipsis in the middle of a quote [6]

I'm not saying there won't be an Accident now, mind you. [. . .] You never have them till you're having them.

Great Eeore quote. Thanks, SA for the Chicago explanation, I did not know that!

Yes, the various style guides differ, so I always just use the same method. I use bracket-space-period-space-period-space-period-close bracket.

In the middle of a sentence, writing an important paper, it can be done like this:

In the middle of a sentence [. . .] it can be done like this.

With omitted words at the end of a sentence like this:

With omitted words at the end [. . .].

You might have more than one sentence. With omitted words at the beginning of subsequent sentences, like this:

You might have more than one sentence. [. . .] at the beginning of subsequent sentences, like this.

Somebody correct me if I'm wrong! This is the nitty gritty stuff. I do it this way, which I believe is right for MLA.

Eric, this is covered in the Dianna Hacker books I mentioned in your thread about being a quality contributor.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose "An Award for Drawing" [25]


Well, first I think you should change it so that you won't be suggesting that engineering is not an art. As an engineer, I am an artist. That would be better.

You can mention fibromyalgia as an aside... you can mention it as part of a sentence about overcoming odds and completing a degree. It does not need its own para, and I think that is what is giving you a problem. Can you merge the first 2 paragraphs, get rid of one sentence, and add a sentence at the end? The sentence at the end should say that completing the program opened your eyes to many possibilities, which you will explain in the essay.

The writing and grammar are excellent...

Writing Feedback / Persuasive essay (Lithium based batteries>Nickel based batteries) [33]

Ha ha, right on! You are cool.

Undergraduate / Fall 2009: UCF ADMISSIONS ESSAY. 2 questions only. [4]

However, growing up as a teenager in Huntsville, Alabama and Seminole, Florida made it hard to...

The Caribbean influence my parents instilled in my life are characterized by positive optimism and inspiration as well as to improve the quality of my life and the people in it.

This can be such a complex question, yet for me the answer was...

(no need for commas around "for me"...)

Hey the one about why you chose that school will be a LOT more powerful if you quote a faculty member from the school's biology program -- show that you are so motivated that you even read about what the teachers at the school say about things related to your aspirations. I think you should NOT say this: I discovered UCF offers a Biology B.S....EVERY school offers that!! :) So, find something about this school that makes it just right for you as an aspiring pharmacist.

You can say you discovered (something great) about their biology program...

Hey, that second paragraph is great! It shows your ambition, and you have well structured sentences. No need for a comma in this one, though:

UCF's proximity to a variety of attractions from themed parks to quiet vacation get-aways keeps students energized and eager to be apart of the community .

Faq, Help / Tips for Being a Quality Contributor [9]


It's not so we can feel special!! Ha ha. Makes me feel like my 4rth grate teacher, Mrs. Hammond... anyway, I think everyone has bold and italics to us, right?

Eric, thanks for making this post. I should have thought of it! Here is the important part of my response:

Please don't paste the whole essay when you make corrections. Or, as you make corrections, please divide it up so that the only sentences showing in your correction post are the sentences you corrected. We don't want to have several appearances of the whole essay in each thread.

I put that in bold so people will see it when they visit this post.
That will help us a lot.

As for making good corrections... try to lift spirits, but most importantly use your writing talant to help people see how their writing looks to others.

No, you do not have to say you are not a professional writer.

As for correcting grammar mistakes...sometimes you can tell that it is a person trying to learn English, so make corrections accordingly. Help them conjugate those verbs, etc.

Thanks again, Eric!

Eric and Tyler, all you need to do in order to know know all that a professional writer knows is study 2 little books: The Elements of Style by Strunk and White, and Dianna Hacker's most recent book about composition. Other than the rules of style and grammar, what is here to know?

Undergraduate / Galaxies and Stars - BC essay. your career and academic goals. [4]

Hey, I think this sentence does not need the "unfortunately": Well, unfortunately it took me 16 years to understand that I don't need to pass the atmosphere to do so -- not necessarily.

How about like that? Sounds more positive.

Now, when I read that first paragraph it makes me think, "Hey, this is supposed to be about career goals!" I think it's important to write a new first paragraph. You can still use the great content in this essay, but it is important for the first para to answer the prompt question.

Wow, I like every sentence in this whole essay; that is what I thought the first time I read it, too. BUT, what about your intended major, intended job, etc.?

Essays / Stuck on intro to my essay (the creative process effect on commercial contents) [7]

The most important thing is to grab the readers attention with a powerful opening, then live up to that power all the way through your essay! Eric shows a great example of getting your main ideas across without any unnecessary words, and stating your case upfront. Have fun with it!

:)

Graduate / Personal Statement for studying PhD in Chemical Engineering [4]

Having the opportunity to study at the top Engineering Faculty in the XXX, close collaboration with global energy companies like XXX and XXX, learning from world class experts and scientists, and access to advanced facilities inspires me so much. This might be better as two sentences!

These advantages are fascinating and motivating for me as a person who pursues his success in life, through this PhD.

I like the last sentence you used here, but you could add a little more to it, having to do with future generations, or making use of what we have...something to add that extra "punch" to your ending.

Good luck in school!

:)

Writing Feedback / Process Anaylsis Essay in 5 paragraphs (CompTIA Network+ Exam) [5]

The next day, cut pieces of colored construction paper into sixths .

"While using flash cards is valuable, ...." This sentence from the last paragraph, belongs in para. three.

Other than paragraph #3 seeming like it should be part of paragraph #2, this is very solid and well written.
You seem to have answered every prompt well and clearly.

:)

Graduate / Statement of Purpose "An Award for Drawing" [25]

It was in my third grade that I first received an award for drawing.

But my struggle, patience, and determination paid off and I earned a bachelor's degree.

In the realm of Engineering, I've developed a special interest in animation when I prepared my final year project.

This project was the highlight of my academic career and my biggest achievement.

Then I realized that a combination of Engineering and Masters in Animation would be the most logical extension of my academic pursuits.

They have given me so much more joy, love and inspiration than I could have imagined.
As a volunteer you would be inspired by their zest for life. (It was a personally satisfying experience.) I think this sentence should be included.

My long term goal is to establish myself as a designer exploring various sectors of art like game development and film making.

My quest for a quality graduate education has also been driven by the desire to contribute to the growth of digital art in Nepal.

Therefore after I complete my degree I want to return here and work for the same. I am confident that I have the ability and motivation to excel in your graduate program. I would be grateful to you if I am accorded the opportunity to pursue my graduate studies at your institution and am able to justify your faith in me.

This is so much better. Let's see it again once you add the other paragraph.

:)

Undergraduate / Fall 2009: UCF ADMISSIONS ESSAY. 2 questions only. [4]

I view an obstacle as an unrecognized opportunity. At the very tender age of three, I learned my older sister Katy was not your normal four year old.

I am the second of three girls, I did not realize how hard it was for me not to have that "older sister support."

This sentence is not complete, (above). For example, you could change it to; "As the second of three girls, I did not at first realize how hard it would be for me not to have..."

"I unconscientiously..." This actually works, but did you mean to say "unconsciously?"

Currently, the hurdle I am overcoming is my rejections to Pharmacy School. I was sadly disappointed in myself and my confidence was faltering.

I have ability to choose where my advanced schooling comes from, and the quality of education I will receive at UCF sets the foundations so I can become successful in my chosen career path.

All three of these are pretty great, you are an excellent writer.
I like the second choice for an ending sentence for the first essay.

If I had to choose two of the three, I would go with 2 and 3, only because #1 is not as upbeat, because of the part about your rejection from pharmacy school, although the part about your sister shows what kind of person you are, and what a great supportive family you come from, which is also important.

Good luck in school, though from what I see here, I think you'll do just fine!
:)

Writing Feedback / Persuasive essay (Lithium based batteries>Nickel based batteries) [33]

Well, I am all charged up, ever-ready to help with the powerful new draft!

The last part you added though, sounds like it would make a more interesting opening sentence.

Grammar, Usage / How to use quotation marks at the end of a sentence. [14]

Oh... there is a function in most word processing programs to take care of converting British English to American, Canadian, or any other variation. You should tell her about that! :)

Essays / BCC ESSAY on my academic life and career goals - I don't know what do I wanna do in future as my job [24]

Here is some important advice for you: Add a paragraph that tells specific goals! Clear goals associated not only with your field of interest, but also with SPECIFIC aspects of that field. You will need to excel in your field, stand out, claim a niche, and only then can you help people in the way you intend. You have to be successful and distinct, distinguished. Write a paragraph about the school's particular resources and programs, even specific faculty members, and include it near the beginning of this essay.

You might even want to add a new intro paragraph. Your intro is great, but those lines will still be great as a paragraph 2. Your intro should include your ACADEMIC and professional goals.

Grammar, Usage / 1st person - writing question [12]

What do you mean, Newsha31?

Graduate / Statement of Academic Objectives (graduate program in taxation) [6]

Well, the first sentence is good and interesting. The essay CAN be boring to a reader uninterested in the subject... but the reader will be someone at the school, so it is fine. You can make it more interesting by using some conclusion sentences (at the end of paragraphs or at the end of the essay) that reflect on more general, philosophical truths about the meaningfulness of this route you are taking.

The essay is sure to be interesting if you can write it in a way that makes the rest or us interested in taxation :)

Speeches / talk about someone in your family who you admire [8]

Good advice and help here! Thanks, everyone.

Here is a request from me to all the people giving corrections: In order to help us avoid duplicate content, please take out each individual sentence as you correct it rather than pasting the whole essay. That serves a few different purposes, but I know it is inconvenient for you. In this thread, the content is different in each of the versions, so it is okay, but in some threads I have to delete the original essay in order to avoid too much duplicated content in the thread.

Thanks!!

Research Papers / Problem and Solution essay- global warming [10]

You should be able to do this easily, because so much has been written about it. Sean's advice is good for making the paper more focused, and that is important for taking a deep look into it. However, you might want to start by reading lots of articles, articles that cover various aspects of it, and THEN choose a focus area.

Your outline looks good. If I was doing it, though, I would make a section for each of the many arguments that have been made. You might also want a section about the Kyoto Protocol.

Research Papers / Thesis Statement with 3 points (global warming) [15]


Rich, you pointed him to the News Busters website and then to articles based on technology from 100 years ago. You say that people have incentives to dream up the concept, but you know for sure that there are also plenty of corporations with incentive to say it is a hoax, so who has the credibility? Was the Kyoto Protocol a big conspiracy? The truth is, we are not sure of some things, but... is it your goal to convince everyone that emissions are harmless? What is your goal, and are you sure of yourself?

Ekim, you should choose your argument AFTER you do your research. Just write a paragraph or two about each article you read, and when you are finished, you will have the basis for a good opinion. If you choose your opinion before beginning to research, you'll tend to look only at sources that validate your preexisting view, and you might choose corny sources, like the News Busters website.

Writing Feedback / Will You Buy a House or Start a Business? [9]

... to be my own boss and at the same time to be financially ...

Hey, buying a house for yourself is not necessarily a dead investment! Some people buy houses and fix them up to improve their value, and that IS the business! It is a cool business, too. If I was good at home improvement, I would do it.

You did argue! You argued quite well. It will be stronger if you mention that a house may decrease in value instead of increasing, but that your business can be adapted to acclimate to changing times.

:)

Undergraduate / Visiting Hoa Sen Charity Shelter [2]

Seeing their tears drop while they told tragic stories about their lives before being adopted into the shelter, I felt and a blend of sadness and resentment rise in me. I was sad about their lives, and I was resentful toward against myself for not having noticed such unfortunate people before. Lending a hand in helping ...

I don't think it is too wordy, but make the corrections above! :)

Graduate / Statement of Purpose "An Award for Drawing" [25]

Major back ache sounded childish, I guess.

I think it is better not to capitalize "designer" or "animation." Also "bachelor's degree" does not need to be capitalized when you are just refering to a bachelor's degree in general.

See this: hubpages.com/hub/How-to-write-the-term-bachelors-degree

Now, you want to express that you have a passion for art that you will use as an engineer. You also want to tell them that you had a difficult phase where you had to postpone your studies for a year. I think you should add a sentence or two to the first paragraph to tell that these are central to your current situation and outlook.

This is already looking great!

Research Papers / Observing or studying animals could teach us a lot about human nature: research [5]

People understand how to solve the problem in a rational way.

The advantages of studying animals include the ability to watch what is done based on pure instinct, without a lot of human reasoning. The advantages also include the ability to see how animals act without being influenced by ego. For example, an animal might run away instead of fighting, but a human might stay and get killed because he is too proud to run away!

The disadvantages of studying animals include the fact that they do not act like humans, so they do not demonstrate behavior that reflects human nature. they demonstrate behavior that reflects animal nature. Then again, as Tyler explained, humans are not so different from other animals.

Writing Feedback / What essential skills young people should have in our complex society? [14]

To start with, the abilities to plan and organize help students...

...that their ability to plan their time enables them to get good marks and still...

It is important that everything ...

In addition, the abilities to plan and organize are to young people what the...

If the college is going to hold a ceremony, the student...

manage the world.

This one is great!! Do you understand the corrections I made? You do not have many errors! :)