Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Global events [7]


G8


Global warming?


Yes


Your argument is that, even events that seem not to be relevant may turn out to be relevant. I think that's sufficiently on topic.

I like that argument. The argument that problem-solving in other places can serve as a model for one's own region is also excellent.

Letters / motivation letter (engineer in mechanical engineering) [4]

I, too, find myself confused by this letter. What is the job for which you are applying, exactly? Other than outlining your degrees and experience, you should confine yourself to your ability to do that particular job.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Being creative rather than planning. [16]


The key words here are "my brain goes totally blank."

I have two thoughts about that:

1. Does it go totally blank? Or do thoughts, such as Sean hearing the Joker from the Dark Knight, drift through your mind? Brainstorming is just letting your mind generate ideas without judging them along the way. If you just jot down whatever comes to mind, even if it seems silly, you will eventually get where you need to go, especially if you prompt yourself with questions, as Sean did.

2. If your mind does go totally blank, that's anxiety. Breathe. Relax your muscles. Tell yourself, "I can do this." Breathe again. Then move onto brainstorming, which is a low-anxiety task if done non-judgmentally, as it is meant to be. Also, to lessen the chance of an anxiety-related shut-down, be sure to eat right and exercise in the days before the test and to get sufficient rest the night before. Sleepy, hungry, thirsty brains go blank more easily.

Undergraduate / Is the content too cynical for the common application? [3]

I agree. While the story is compelling, you must remember the purpose, which is to tell the admissions committee about yourself.

I like the beginning as well as your observations of migrant workers in the city. The essay does begin to drag when you get to the country. Prune that down to its essentials. The $800 is a good detail -- keep that. But get rid of some of the extras.

Also, your last line is just too high-flown for my tastes. Better to talk concretely about how you might contribute to the changes needed to make life less miserable for migrant workers.

Undergraduate / 'long-established tradition of academic excellence' - Yale's Secondary: School of Medicine [9]

You did a great job of incorporating my suggestions. I think this essay is very strong. I'd like to hear what others think, so that you get more than one person's point of view.

Writing Feedback / Food Stands Vs Eating at Home = Convenience Vs Quality [8]

Using examples is also an essential element of effective argumentation.

Writing Feedback / Vimy Ridge,Day of Deliverance,Constitution Act;3 Defining Moments- Canadian History [4]

I was going back and forth in my head about that introduction. On the other hand, the analogy is nice. On the other hand, it doesn't add much. What's the purpose of this essay? For what class have you written it?

Writing Feedback / The intellectual benefits of attending a university - advice my second GRE issue [17]

This essay is very strong. I like the examples and the arguments, especially Faraday/Maxwell. Your prepositions are better. Here's a punctuation error:


This is a comma splice. You've spliced together two complete sentences with a comma, rather than separating them with a period or joining them with a semi-colon. To fix it, change the comma after "facts" to a period or a semi-colon.

Poetry / "the bureaucratic mechanism" poem Review [5]


I love this line. It's very powerful.

I am a fan of free verse. This is promising but needs tightening. I'd not go so far as Sean, but I would like to see you strip down each line to its essentials.

Also, I notice that the first part of the poem is full of feeling but it tends to drift into ethereal philosophizing as you go on. Try to keep it grounded in your feelings and experiences. The line I quoted above is powerful specifically because it is embodied.

Because the poem is so long, think about breaking it into sections. You don't have to title them, although you can. You could just number them.

Undergraduate / "My Own Dr. 90210" - common app essay [7]

The claim that Copeland was the first female plastic surgeon seemed incredible to me. (It's likely the first female surgeon in that field came along decades earlier.) I did some research and found that she was the "first female plastic surgeon in the U.S. to have earned combined doctorate degrees from Harvard," which is so narrow as to be not much of a first. Unless you can find some reliable source stating that this woman was the first female plastic surgeon ever, or at least in the U.S., take out that claim. You readers will, as I did, find it incredible and then begin to see you as credulous.

Otherwise this essay is quite well written, with some clever word play.

Undergraduate / "Living in America converted me into new person" - essay for common app :) [20]


This is very moving and much more realistic. I'm glad you added it.

Some grammar/punctuation:

Then I encountered these twenty-two words: "Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of...

They valued independence. I was expected...

Many difficulties accosted me.

...as the school was about to start.

The school was nothing like I expected .

I decided to join the school tennis team.

I was scolded again for cooking too much food and not cleaning the dishes . This came as a huge shock to me because when I lived in Korea, I was never expected to do any housework nor had any troubles in communicating.

I mustered all my strengths to keep...

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

See number 11 in Forum FAQs at essayforum.com/faq/.

In brief, you should make sure that you provided your real first and last name when registered for this site. This will assist Forum administrators in helping to prove your authorship should such a question arise. Next, you may elect to place your name, your initials, or some other identifying information at the beginning or end of the post in which you place your essay. This, along with the time/date stamping of the post, will verify that you placed the essay here before anybody else used it for some other purpose.

As you say, the likelihood of such nefarious (and stupid) activity is low. But you can use those steps to protect yourself.

Undergraduate / "Living in America converted me into new person" - essay for common app :) [20]

I wasn't asking you to say more about the hardships but, rather, more about how you overcame them. The important thing is to be real when writing about something like this. If you claim that you never wavered in your cheerfulness, even when suffering indignities like no showers, that's not credible. Undoubtedly, you felt desolate at times. And yet you persevered. That is a story of strength not weakness, celebration not complaint.

Undergraduate / 'long-established tradition of academic excellence' - Yale's Secondary: School of Medicine [9]

"I wish to pursue a medical program that will allow me to walk in the physician's shoes to explore the roles and responsibilities of a professional healthcare provider."

Say a little more about (a) why cooperative rather than competitive learning appeals to you, and (b) why cultural diversity is important to you.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


I just want to challenge you, whichever you choose, to eschew trite metaphors like "beacon of light" and vague modifiers like "wonderful." You're a better writer than that.

Either essay is fine. I see what your parents mean: The first essay is more clearly in your own voice. Why not stick with that one? I've liked it all along, myself.

Undergraduate / "BALLS UP," his voice echoes through my ear canals ; Essay on tennis [6]

I'm wondering for what purpose and audience you've written this very engaging narrative.

Book Reports / O'connor, "Good Country People" - fixing my Thesis statement [6]

Who is this teacher? (That's a rhetorical question.) I think I have seen assignments from this teacher before. S/he seems to think it helps students to give them theme statements like this. Terrible pedagogy, just terrible.

Having gotten that out of my system, I think you are close. You're on target with the theft of the leg, but you need to more clearly link that to the key words in the theme sentence provided by the teacher: nothingness, lack of self, mechanical way of dealing with the world. If the leg is the symbol of the (mechanical) self, then its absence stands for nothingness. The protagonist cannot take the confrontation of this nothingness and crumbles into helplessness.

Book Reports / Hills Like White Elephants by Ernest Hemingway [4]

Will your teacher be asking a specific question that you will have 45 minutes to answer? Or will your teacher just say "analytical" or "argumentative" and then expect you to come up with your own topic related to the story?

If the latter, then the thing to do is come up with a couple of topics in advance. If the former, just re-read the story very carefully, thinking about characters and themes.

Also, just FYI, this distinction between analytical and argumentative exists primarily in your teacher's mind. Most literary criticism is both.

Undergraduate / Diversity, my different background - UM diversity esssay [6]

Using a quote is generally okay, although Nietzsche, proponent of the uber-mensch, may not be the best choice for a diversity essay.

This is a good start, but you may have misunderstood the question. Michigan wants to know not that you will bring diversity to the campus but, rather, that you have learned to value diversity and will appreciate the diversity you find on campus. Diversity in the way that UM is using the word does indeed include differences in race, ethnicity, socio-economic class, etc. That school makes a specific effort, for example, to draw its out-of-state students from every part of the US (as well as other countries) and from both rural and urban areas specifically because they believe that students are best served by coming into contact with people from the widest variety of backgrounds. If you want to argue that diversity goes beyond such things, that's fine. But you should also show that you know you will be broadened by contact with people whose life experiences have been very different than your own and that you accept the fact that, at least under current socioeconomic conditions, factors like race, class, and disability do significantly impact what life experiences people tend to have.

It's great that you had the experience of being the only American in an otherwise all Chinese school. This opens up the opportunity for you to say that just as your classmates at that school gained from the diversity you brought, you expect to gain from the diversity you will encounter at U-M.

Book Reports / Great Gatsby [Story, Lucy Help Essay] [9]

That all depends on what you are going to say in the body of the essay. What are you going to say in the body of the essay?

Or are you asking how to start the process of writing the essay? Brainstorm, free write, or map until you come up with a thesis. Brainstorm arguments and supporting evidence for that thesis. Organize your ideas into an outline. Use the outline as a guide as you write the essay. You may find it helpful to write your body paragraphs first and then go back to write your introduction and conclusion.

Research Papers / HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT: ethics, hiring process; Research paper [57]

Please see our comments in similar threads. A doctoral dissertation is a serious piece of research upon which you will spend months or years of your life. Strangers cannot select topics for you without knowing something about your interests and experiences. You should not settle for a topic selected by strangers but should be reading extensively and meeting with your adviser at the university in order to determine a topic that will be sufficiently original and rigorous to meet the university's requirements while at the same time feasible for you to pursue.

Also, PLEASE AVOID TYPING IN ALL CAPS, which is considered as shouting online.

Speeches / Introductory speech about myself, my family, my job [16]

... but now that the Obama administration has ended the secret C.I.A. program under which you operated, you now need a new line of work. Hence you are in college, taking speech class and other basic courses to prepare you for your new occupation job as a...

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Being creative rather than planning. [16]

Remember that this is a test of English proficiency, not argumentative ability. Brainstorm until you come up with two or three workable arguments. They don't have to be brilliant. They don't have to be original. They don't have to be what you really believe. They just have to be something you can say in order to demonstrate your ability to write logically in English.

Is planning or creativity more useful in problem solving?

Here's what I come up with quickly on that question: People who rely only on planning can be derailed when events don't match up with expectations. Example: All of the people who planned carefully by putting money retirement accounts that are now broke because of the unforeseen financial crisis. In contrast, creativity allows people to come up with a new solution when circumstances change. Example: My friend lost a full-time job but was able to come up with a way to creatively combine part-time work with freelance work. Fact: Circumstances always change and it is impossible to predict the future. Conclusion: Creativity is better.

Now, this is not exactly what I believe. I actually think a combination is best. But I'd probably write the essay based on the outline above because that would be simpler.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

Here are some things to think about: Many, many students who apply to college have tutored younger students. Very few have also volunteered at a safe house and witnessed sweatshop labor conditions. The story about Shayla is sweet but slight and fits into a well-worn format: the tutor/teacher who is surprised to find herself learning from the student. So, the question becomes: If you want to stay with that as your primary focus, how can you bring in these other experiences in a way that adds to rather than detracts from the power of the story.

One way would be to use the safe house/India/cancer experiences to set the stage: This world is a violent place in which there is so much suffering and injustice that it can be hard to be happy. Next, tie this into the story of Shayla by sharing something about the hard circumstances that led her to need tutoring. This will then add to the power of what you relate concerning her ability to find happiness in everyday life.

Undergraduate / "my peers' views" - admission essay-common app [5]

The question is: Did you participate in truly voluntary civic activities, rather than resume-embellishing activities? If so, list them. If not, follow Sean's advice and choose a different achievement, experience, risk, or dilemma.

Undergraduate / "Living in America converted me into new person" - essay for common app :) [20]

I'm sorry you felt misunderstood by Liebe, who was a bit harsh in critiquing your feedback. I, for one, appreciate your efforts to help others as you have been helped. I hope that this imbroglio (look it up if you don't know what it means) does not stop you from participating in the forum.


One principle of constructive criticism -- which is useful to follow in life as well as on forums like this -- is to never assume you know why someone has done something. In other words, it's best to avoid making assumptions about other people's motivations. Critique behavior, not presumed motivations, and do so constructively, by suggesting specifically what could or should be done differently.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Being creative rather than planning. [16]

I think you would have been better off giving positive arguments in favor of planning rather than negative arguments against creativity. The argument about not everybody having creativity was good and supported by good examples, but the argument about the trip/lottery did not support your thesis.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]


I understand what you are trying to do, stylistically, with this series of sentence fragments. But it doesn't quite work. Your reader is more likely to be confused than intrigued by them.

I don't mean that should shouldn't mention these things. You should! The story of Shayla is fine, but not that uncommon. It's good to let the school know you have had wider experiences.

But, as Liebe said (although I would have said it more kindly), starting with the safe house (etc.) leads the reader to expect something much more powerful than is coming. I'm not sure quite how to resolve that if, indeed, this story is the one you want to stick with.

Writing Feedback / Work alone or in groups [10]

With TOEFL or any other essay test, the most important thing to do is read the question carefully. If it asks for both sides, give both sides. If it asks for one side, give one side. If it asks for your opinion, you are free to choose one side or to give an opinion that takes both sides into account. Certainly, arguing only one side is easier, so it's often best to do that when you have a choice. But, again, the most important thing to do is read the question carefully and follow its instructions.

Undergraduate / 'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer [16]

I'm assuming you are able to say more about yourself in other elements of the application.

Writing Feedback / A concise narrative about an important event - UF Architecture college essay! [17]

Sean makes a very good point. I'd not thought about that, but it might trouble the admissions officers. So, skip the platitudes about values and instead add more about discovering architecture.

Speeches / Introductory speech about myself, my family, my job [16]

"I am a professional assassin." "I come from a family of acrobats." "I'll never forget the day I was attacked by elephants."

Essays / If you could invent something new, what would you invent ? [7]

Right, discussing the drawbacks and ethical dilemmas associated with time machines leads into treacherously complicated terrain. Better to stay with with benefits, describing these as vividly as you can.

Essays / Teaching public speaking to children - essay writing ideas? [3]

Right, there's no need to force yourself to take a position with which you do not agree, especially if this requires you to stretch to even find an argument to use. I'd write three strong arguments for it and then state in the conclusion that, while it may be difficult to add this to the curriculum, the benefits will make it well worth the effort.

Undergraduate / Tiny Amherst Essay: Anything to Tweak? [4]

Strengthening verbs always helps any piece of writing, but in this case I'm more concerned by content. I'm guessing that everybody who wants to visit has pored over brochures and the website but wants to see a college campus for themselves. The underlying question here is why do you want to visit Amherst? In other words, what makes you in particular interested in that particular college? It's a one-of-a-kind college, that's for sure. What about it calls to you? A particular program or activity? What makes you feel you might be right for it? I know these are the questions you will address in your admissions essay but this is almost a mini admissions essay. Let your personality show. Let them know that you know what Amherst is all about and are eager to see it for yourself because it might be just right for you and you for it.

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]


I guess you could try to find a scene from the book that encapsulates all three.

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]

Then list them in a grammatically correct sentence, as you just did.

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]


I'm assuming this is your thesis statement. Notice the tense shift in the middle of the sentence. Notice, too, that it is a run-on sentence. The problem is that you're trying to do too much in one sentence. You could say something much simpler, to the effect that Haddon demonstrates both the hurtful and helpful aspects of Asperger's syndrome.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

You're right; this is much stronger than your first try. Now, let's make it even stronger. Challenge yourself to be as precise as possible. For example, you close with a repetition of the word "wonderful," which is a relatively empty modifier.

Graduate / "Pursuit of knowledge" - My SOP for Software Engineering [8]

This is all so vague and generic. I imagine that just about everybody starting a PhD program has a habit of pursuing knowledge and a dream of making a contribution via research. What sort of contribution do you envision making via research?