Undergraduate / Uf essay about me and my friend Rodrigo. [3]

Although I have been a Christian for over a year now, the thought of arriving as a newcomer filled my heart with fear.

I recall talking to this girl named Allison; she shared with me how the day before she banged her head against a pole because she could not stand being detained any longer. Detained where? This is confusing without further explanation.

Whether I continue my education at the University of Florida or anywhere else, I will always have the desire to motivate people into pursing their dreams no matter what the obstacles or circumstances they face. "

What is it about the essay that you do not like? What is the prompt?

Undergraduate / Florida State's motto - completed FSU essay... [4]

"I have been fortunate enough to be a part of a high school community that excels in both athletics and academics. Through my four years there I have grown and matured in so many ways. Academically I have been pushed to reach my greatest potential and be all that I can be. In athletics I was told everyday for years that what goes into practice should be nothing more than your absolute best. I learned I should not only apply these words in school or on the court but in all aspects of my life. Playing a varsity sport in high school is all consuming. I was always expected to be there and be ready to play hard. The most strenuous part of it is always remembering my academics are as important as my athletics. Keeping my grades up while having so much on my plate was a challenge but it was reachable with hard work and determination.

Please see my comments about the rest of the essay in the cross-post.

Undergraduate / 'ehad, shtayim' / 'I am a Jewban' - two essays... which one do I use? [2]

Good evening.

I really like the second essay better. It speaks of similarities and differences, and shows that you are a well-traveled, well-rounded individual. It shows you can appreciate differences and incorporate them into your own identity. I think this second one shows you in a more mature, prepared light.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "Women of Their Time"; Mrs. Mallard and Calixta - Thesis (essay) The Storm and The story of an hour [13]

OK, so you need to make your thesis more of an opinion; the way you see the two characters. You can do this by including examples from the text to back up your assertions. For example, at the beginning you write that Mrs. Mallard is over traumatized at the news of her husband's death; where is the proof of this from the text? The part where you say "overly traumatized" is an opinion; why do you say it is extreme? This is an opinion, therefore arguable because another reader may think her reaction appropriate for the give circumstances.

What makes the other woman immoral? Use the text to back up your "name calling" of immoral. If her actions are looked at from another point of view, namely the character's, could they be seen in a different light?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / How should i describe how this value is reflected in my life - admission FL [3]

Good morning.

Well, you can start out by just telling a story of an example where moral strength played a role in your life or in the situation. Since I am not familiar with your life, it is hard for me to say how this trait has effected it. Once you have a rough draft written, I can help you organize and edit from there.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Do students prefer traditional house or modern house? [2]

Good morning.

"Although older people have gained a lot of knowledge and experience , the assertion that older people cannot learn anything from young people seems to me to constitute a fundamental mistake.

Our world changes rapidly. Knowledge is updated everyday. Older people, however, sometimes miss necessary information to renew their old information. In this case, young people, who are more dynamic, will help the old ones to not be obsolete. For example, older people may know very little about new technology applications such as how to use email instead of by regular mail or how to use an electric stove to cookWow-I didn't know that "older" people didn't know how to use electricity. . Once older people realize the advantage that new knowledge brings to them, there is no reason for them to refute to learn from young people.

Older people also need to renew their social behaviors. The world they lived in past years is very different from the one young people live today, so the way they behave sometimes is inevitably unsuitable. For example, pop music is very popular, but some older people do not like it so that they criticize the music; in their mind, the old music of their generation is far better. This is a matter of opinion-there are young people that do not like pop music and criticize it. This has nothing to do with modernity or its use in daily life. It doesn't fit with the rest of your essay. Young people have the obligation to tell older people how the world has changed and explain to them how good the new things are. Again, this is an opinion; there are young people that would disagree with you here. It doesn't fit with your previous content. Moreover, some older people do not understand today serious issues such as new diseases, bird flu for example, so young people also need to show them how to adapt themselves to the world new circumstances.

In conclusion, no matter what age group one belongs to, he or she still have something new to learn. Young people learn from older peoples' experiences, and the older people can learn from dynamic young people how to live suitably in this new world."

As to the second essay:

"Our world is developing very fast, and so brings us more things that facilitate our lives. Modernhousing is one of those many things. There is no reason that we need to live in a traditional house while great modern houses are available. Modern houses will offer us more comfortable, more efficient, and safer lives.

First of all, in a contemporary world, we have to work hard to succeed and have lots of stresses. What we need is a comfortable place to relax, and modern houses offers us what we desire. Living in a modern house means we will have much more comfortable lives. When it is hot, air conditioning will make us feel more pleasant . When we need music to relax, the stereo system will satisfy us. I guess I'm confused as to what your meaning of "traditional" and "modern" are; you should lay the groundwork of the two at the beginning of the essay.

Moreover, lives will be more efficient if we live in a modern house. With refrigerators , we do not need waste time to rush to the market to prepare for meals ; everything is just right in front of us in the refrigerator. Many other cooking facilities will help us to finish meals efficiently without much effort. We will have more time to play with our family or to finish our work instead of wasting time doing things if there are not facilities in the house.

Last but not least, modern houses are safer for use and easier to maintain than traditional houses. If something goes wrong, such as a house fire, there are facilities that will alarm us to call help . In addition, it is much more difficult for some one to get inside a modern house to steal things. We will worry much about those issues if we live in traditional houses.

While I still love the traditional beauties that traditional houses offer, with all the reasons I mentioned above, I will definitely choose a modern house to live in. Such houses will offer me everything I need after a hard studying day." Is there not a way to have a "traditional" house with the "modern" amenities you speak of?

While I think that a week is not a very accurate guage of long-lasting success, I do believe that you are improving in your organization and the fluidity of your paragraphs. If you keep up the hard work, I'm sure you will continue to see improvement in all areas of your writing. Keep at it!

Grammar, Usage / how to synthesize different authors work [4]

Good morning.

"Synthesizing" is a word that means nothing more than "interpreting" or "understanding." It sounds like the assignment wants you to look at these works from these different authors and understand how they use motivation in the work.

You can start by making a list. What kinds of motivation are used in each of the texts? Once you have identified those theories you can then analyze them individually, or compare a couple of them together.

I hope this helps you get started. Once you have a list, I can help you organize your paper.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Helping a woman' - an event that has changed your life - app essay [5]

Well, that depends on how plagiarized it is. If you were able to dig it up, chances are that they will be able to as well. If this is the same college, they could possibly compare the two. If you are the author of both of them, then there is no problem. If you are not the author of any of the passages found in either of the papers and the passage(s) are not properly cited, then it is considered plagiarism and if they do find it then there is a good chance that it will impact your chances of approval.

This is exactly why it is so important to make sure that any and all work that one submits is 100% original or properly cited.

I wish you the best.

Research Papers / Argument for Global Warming, need some ideas [33]

You're very welcome.

Your teacher is partially right; in English (like any other native language) you will instinctively know if it sounds right or not. But, that doesn't really help you because it's not your first language! :)

Undergraduate / The creation of something original, something to call your own - UF [4]

Good afternoon.

Here are my thoughts:

It was my freshman year. As t he architecture teacher spoke of his class, his dry, hoarse voice echoed with wisdom of his passion which at that moment (Remove comma)I realized I shared: architecture .

Undergraduate / 'Helping a woman' - an event that has changed your life - app essay [5]

Windows are shattered, furniture is scattered about the room, and the remnants of a life lie in disarray.

Orange signs posted on doors state (Remove comma) "CONDEMNED" in bold lettering.

The massive two-story windows are shattered, and the brand new Olympic sized swimming pool is filled with appliances, furniture, and debris of all kinds.

The woman knows that we alone cannot rebuild her home.

Excellent work. I think your ending is very well written; it neatly ties up your essay and reinforces the underlying theme of your essay nicely. As for your title, how about something like "Community" or "Connected" as those are the two words that I believe best describe your essay in one word.

Undergraduate / "Objection Overruled" - Elaborate on one of your extracurricular activites. [2]

Depending on your word count restrictions, you could talk a little bit more about why it is you choose to partake in this activity. What is it that you keeps you at it? How does it help you in your daily life? You talk in your closing about representing your community well; this is a great closing, but only if you talk about this representation earlier on in your text. That will help your structure and your closing flow smoother, which is what it seems like to me you are concerned most about.

Research Papers / Argument for Global Warming, need some ideas [33]

Good afternoon.

Absolutely.

The "rules" for was are pretty simple. It is used when speaking in singular past terms. For example, "I was going to the store." "He was reading when the phone rang." "Gladys was very happy." "Everyone was running."

As for were, it is also used when speaking about the past, but in plural terms. For instance, "We were going to the movies." "They were on their way to class." Here's one that uses bothwas and were: "It was us that were causing the trouble." This is because the subject (us) is plural even though the action (causing) is singular.

As for the contractions, they should not be used in formal academic writing; it is improper and you will get counted off for it. You may use "do not" and "does not," and these "rules" are much like those for was and were:

Do not is used for present tense singular or plural subjects. For instance, "I do not like this at all." "We do not want to go there." "They do not go out at night." Does not is one that can be used for present tense, singular subject. "She does not do her homework early." "Annette does not go to that restaurant." "Teddy does not work here anymore." It is usually used in reference to something that is currently accurate even if the conversation or context of its use is in the past.

"S" can become very tricky. It is added to singular forms of some words to make them plural. "Walk" becomes "walks," "run" becomes "runs," "act" becomes "acts." The singular "s" is added to the end of words that end in most consonants, with the exceptions of letters such as "x," "h," and "s." For those words "es" is added to the end. For example, "hex" becomes "hexes," "grass" becomes "grasses," and "couch" becomes "couches."

Then, there is the apostrophe "s"s. Those can get very complicated. When an object is owned by your subject, you add an apostrophe and an "s." For example, it is "Alex's house," "Chester's car," and "Dezie's party." If the name/title of the person ends in "s," generally the apostrophe is just added. For example, "Jess' paper," "Tess' dinner," and "Mr. Ross' room." This is also used in cases where multiple people own something: "my parents' rules." Very rarely will you use an apostrophe "s" after a word that ends in "s"; this depends on ownership. For example, "it is the childrens's playground" meaning there are multiple children that own one playground.

This is by far not a comprehensive, extensive list, but more of a guideline; remember that for every "rule" in English there is an exception. I hope this helps a bit.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Working not only gave me a paycheck, but it allowed me greater independence. Extracurricular essay [2]

"I was entering my junior year in high school and I felt that it was necessary to get a job.

Excellent job! You answer the prompt very well, are organized, and use great examples to support your statments. Other than the very few mechanical errors, your essay is wonderful!

Essays / What if we had to choose between hearing or seeing? [2]

Good evening.

How about how your life would be different if you could not hear? Sure, you could see, but how would you deal with daily life? How would you communicate? Would your hobbies change? What about your job or future goals? By emphasizing the negative, (the lack of hearing) you can expand the items you discuss in your paper.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Stonewall riots -how a historical event has impacted you - English 101 [2]

Good afternoon.

It sounds like your professor wants something of a personal impact essay. Has the Stonewall riot personally effected you or your life? Has it touched your neighboorhood or community? The statement as you have it is setting up more of a research style paper to inform readers of the beginnings of the gay rights movement and this particular landmark, which doesn't sound like what your teacher wants. If this particular event has touched your life in a specific way, you should focus on that and write about it. If not, it sounds like it would be the best decision to choose another historical event that has personally and individually touched you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / The world of design; M.Arch Statement of Purpose [2]

Good afternoon.

A statement of purpose is generally designed to give you the opportunity to tell the admissions officers why you want to attend their institution. It is to tell them what you will do while you are there, what you plan to study, and what you plan to do with your education when you are done at the university.

While your essay is interesting, it really does not fulfill those general requirements. It seems a bit more personal (should be included in your personal statement(s)) than a SOP should be. Spend some time talking about your "purpose"; what you intend to do at school and after, and you will have a successful SOP.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Letters / How to write a good recomendation letter? (MS Program) [19]

Good afternoon.

If you are required to submit these letters the teachers are the ones that are to write them for you, about you. Letters of recommendation are kind of these individuals' "word" or "honor" that you are suitable for the university and/or the course of study. Your instructors should be familiar with these letters and should have no problems writing them for you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Is this sentence (about the favorite thing) correct? [6]

Good afternoon.

More appropriately would be "My favorite thing about him is that he is responsible for everything he does."

Hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Personal or academic interests vs. intellectual and personal goals - essay [5]

You've got a good start here. You could add a little bit on your specific interests in this field a little bit more. Do you have any goals for your time at the university? What area of expertise would you like to go into when you graduate? Things like that.

Writing Feedback / "Women of Their Time"; Mrs. Mallard and Calixta - Thesis (essay) The Storm and The story of an hour [13]

Well, what do you want to write about? It seems from your snippet that you are trying to compare (and perhaps contrast?) these two women. The issue is that if this is to be a thesis statement, there are too many details already. The thesis is like an introduction; it warms your reader up to what you will talk about later in greater detail. Your thesis should be short and to the point. Something to the effect of, "Mrs. Mallard and Calixta are two very different characters created by a complex and multi-faceted author. Mrs. Mallard on one hand is a repressed woman perplexed by the death of her husband. Calixta, to contrast, is intensely distressed at the thought of her husband and child being in danger from the storm." You can discuss your examples and points of interest further on in your paper.

Essays / How to write an exciting monologue [21]

Either one of those characters would work fine. What is it about them that makes them stand out to you? Do you identify with one more than the other? Is there a decision or an action that one of them takes that stands out to you?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UCF - 'Accepting the challenge' - bump in the road, explain circumstances [2]

Good job. This is an unusual subject to answer this question with, which makes it stand out; this is a good thing :)
You could add a little bit to the essay by talking a bit about how well things have worked out, and maybe if you are happy with your decision or not.

A few grammatical corrections, but overall you've got a good draft here.

Writing Feedback / Should high schools let students learn what they choose? [4]

Sure :)

I'm not sure why most of it is red; I didn't mean to highlight ALL of it. Sorry :(

I added "to what" because the sentence is incomplete. "Nobody expects this inefficient teaching and learning way." Isn't finished. What do they not expect? What do they expect? It's confusing. What is the expectation?

Poetry / I am poem; I am determined and shy [8]

Thank you Rajiv.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Argument for Global Warming, need some ideas [33]

Thank you :)

As far as starting your topic sentence, it should be something that gives a very broad glimpse at what you will be writing about. It should also be catchy enough to get your reader interested without giving them too much information right away. I hope this helps.

Research Papers / Why rules and laws change in time - how Law is influenced by Social Change (research start) [4]

Good afternoon.

So, why do you think laws/rules change as time goes on? Do you believe that a law should be enforced even if circumstances change? I believe that is the foundation that the essay requires. What ideas do you have so far?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Desbribing a person - Julian, my soul mate [6]

Good afternoon.

In answer to your question, the second sentence you write is incomplete. You could use your sentence, but it would have to be altered to "He is also so altruistic and patient that he hardly ever has time for himself." In English not every sentence falls into the "suggestions" of grammatical "rules." Keeping that in mind, this author was using "so that" as an eloquent way to stress the unselfishness of the subject. In that case, it is appropriate.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / essay on describing a friend [3]

Good job. The main thing I see in your essay is capitalization. Remember that the first letter of a new sentence is always capitalized, as always is "I." Remember that, and you'll do fine.

Undergraduate / Divorce, man, woman, family - University of Central Florida statement. [3]

You've done a great job here. I like the conversational tone that you use in your essay, it seems to allow your personality to come through very well. A few corrections, but overall you've got a great essay.

Writing Feedback / Success can lead people into danger by changing a person's personality [2]

Businessmen also find that success can bring about greed, by them not being satisfied of their achievements. They would rather move on to bigger things, possibly even bend the rules and lose self dignity (Remove comma) but if that will reward them with more and greater success, then so be it.

One must realise that success is vital for living a meaningful life and one must always seek to achieve what one is able to do (Remove comma) but one must do so by maintaining dignity, one's principles, and keeping in mind what is really important in life. Success does not necessarily come in the form of power or money but it could also be expressed in good deeds towards society."This ending is problematic. You have not mentioned anything previously in this essay about doing good deeds toward society. If you want to keep this statement you need to discuss societal responsibility and give examples of it earlier on in the essay. If not, you need to rewrite the ending sentence.

Writing Feedback / Should high schools let students learn what they choose? [4]

Giving students chances to choose what they are really interest in is a very good way to encourage their abilities to develop.

[...] talent to interact with computer as well.

If students are forced to study courses they do not like, they will gain nothing but weariness. This also means that they are wasting time and effort. Students lose time listening to what they do not want to listen to . Teachers waste effort to convey what students do not want to learn. It is bad for both students and teachers. Nobody expects this inefficient teaching and learning way to what?

The important part of education is efficiency. With all I mentioned above about studying efficency, it is reasonable to let students study what they like."

Undergraduate / 'favorite art class' - College of Lake County - My application essay [3]

Your draft is good. It needs a little more organization though. How about putting the part about the church earlier in the essay, say, around where you talk about getting your portfolio together? Where it is right now it seems almost like an afterthought; on the other hand, you could remove it all together and your essay wouldn't lose anything.

Writing Feedback / "Women of Their Time"; Mrs. Mallard and Calixta - Thesis (essay) The Storm and The story of an hour [13]

OK; let's see:

However, this fasade is soon unmasked by the author when Mrs. Mallard's grief turns to joyous victory, if you will, of her husbands death.

The author implies this when shortly after the news of her now deceased husband is told to her she quietly whispers "Free, free, free!" (line 10)(Double check your citation style for proper citation of page numbers.) Her character seems to bare distressing thoughts and memories that she is now free from since her husband is dead. Examples? Calixta, on the other hand, seems like a much more happier housewife resigned to a lifestyle typical of the women of her time. How?

Nice work; keep it up!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Argument for Global Warming, need some ideas [33]

You're welcome.

The more professional research resources you openly cite in your paper will make it more credible. For instance, a statement such as "According to Such-and-Such institute, such-and-such has happened." For you, the more studies you can find and cite in the paper in regards to how humans have caused global warming the more substantial your paper will be. If your research is good your readers will know that your paper is trustworthy as well.

Student Talk / Pharmacy school - participation in Mercer's Doctor of Pharmacy [4]

Good evening.

There are several ways to get information about the institution without having attended it. First, you can search the web for the institution and/or the program name. You can also contact an academic advisor, counselor, or representative from the institution and request new student orientation information. They will be more than happy to share their establishment with you.

Writing Feedback / "Women of Their Time"; Mrs. Mallard and Calixta - Thesis (essay) The Storm and The story of an hour [13]

"In Kate Chopin's "The S tory of an H our" Mrs. Mallard is first perceived as a wife who would not possibly be able to grasp the news of the loss of her husband. A wife who has loved her husband unconditionally without any regrets. In Kate Chopin's "The Storm" a similar wife is portrayed in that she is so worried about her child and husband's well being and is a devout housewife."

...

OK, what if you start with an outline? List the points where the two women are completely different. Character wise, the decisions they make, the way they react to the choices in their lives, things like that. This will help you see their differences more clearly and get more organized. Once you have these differences clearly in mind, you can rewrite your thesis to include these differences. Once you have the differences, I can help you from there.

Writing Feedback / Changing and staying the same in life. Which would you prefer? [2]

Good to hear!

These are my thoughts:

"Humans' life perceptions are diverse. Some people believe that changes are good; others think that they should stay the same.

Finally, there are some inevitable changes that must take place in our lives; if we have changed before, we will know exactly what to do to overcome those changes successfully. This is an excellent point!

To that person, living a stable life is far better than seeking new experiences in changes. Moreover, a person's tendency towards stability will give him or her trust of others because he or she will be faithful to friends, jobs, and the like.

In my opinion, though staying the same has its own advantages, I still prefer changes because I am young thus I need to find opportunities to succeed."

Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Help on argumentative research paper (RX, drugs)! [5]

Good evening.

Once you have conducted your research and completed your first rough draft, I can help you organize, proofread, and edit it. This forum is for assistance with research and composition; it is not a place where I will write your paper for you for free. If you require assitance further than editing and guidance, I suggest you contact a professional writing service.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Argument for Global Warming, need some ideas [33]

"For millennia, humans have treated the Earth as a never ending resource, to be utilized and squandered at will. They never cared about the changes, or more specifically, the damage they have caused towards the environment by destroying trees, ruining surfaces of the earth which used to be a beautiful view and were the pride of all human beings. Recent years have shown that there is a price to be paid for the hubris, and the prospect of catastrophic results from global warming have the Earth's human inhabitants scrambling to make amends before it is too late. Global warming has caused a gradual increase of average annual temperature of the Earth's atmosphere and the great oceans . The increase of temperatureshave a chain reaction such as glacial retreat, raising sea level, Arctic shrinkage, extreme weather events such as hurricanes , major floods , droughts, associated landslides, storms, ocean and coastal surges, heat waves, and cold snaps. An expedition by Canadian military and researchers has found a new large split in arctic glaciers to the n orth from Canada is the key index of global warming. Such effectsfrom global warming has caused a lot of terrifying devastation and unwanted casualties. Who is to be blamed? Humans were the cause of this problem. (Says who? Cite your research here.) They are the ones who started this catastrophic problem and now, they tend to solve this problem and amend for their doing. While the cure is neither quick nor certain, there were things which people can do to diminish their contribution to the problem of their carbon footprint on the Earth, and perhaps even reverse the damage which has been done. At first, it looks like there was progress when they initiate or commence the ways to solve global warming issue but after some time, they continue to ignore this catastrophic issue as though ignorance is bliss. Such irresponsible and selfish acts will not only help solve the problem but only will accelerate global warming effects . Global warming will not only cause impacts onenvironment. Other aspects such as economic, social, political, and health risks must be taken into account as these aspects will be involved due to global warming. If all these aspects were to be jeopardized; sooner or later planet Earth will be in the state of chaos. Other than that, some people completely denied that it was not their fault that global warming happened but it was due to natural climate change. Such people include Sarah Palin, who used to be a runner-up Miss Beauty in Alaska, b ut recently beca me famous in politics as the youngest g overnor at the age of 42. She stated that global warming was not the act of humansbut were instead a natural climate change recently in a press conference in Alaska. Still researchers have come to a conclusion that unregulated exhaust gas emissions to the atmosphere is the work of irresponsible behavior human beings has become the reasons of the constant climate change that will change our planet. The danger of global ecocatastrophe is acknowledged by the government and people of developed countries of the world. The struggle of life saving of our civilization becomes more and more popular.This is a confusing statement; please clarify. The popularity only lasts a while. This is because humans have to stop contributing and cooperate to stop the global warming. To save this situation, humans should start thinking seriously about the future of our planet if global warming what? Finish this statement . Not to mention the future of human life, the future of the next generation, and the future of other living thing is on the verge of oblivion and extinction."

You've got a good introduction here. You should cite a little more thoroughly your research sources so that your paper is credible right from the beginning. There are some confusing points that could use some clarification, and quite a bit of spelling/grammatical errors. This is a good start.