Essays / Similarities between myself and any vegetable [17]


First, let me say that I can't quit thinking of Sean as an artichoke.

Me, I'm most like a dandelion.

Wait! Don't object that they are flowers or herbs. Dandelion greens are enjoyed by many southerners in the US every spring and are even cultivated in French vegetable gardens. The young greens are nice tossed into salads; older greens taste great braised and dressed with vinegar. They're very nutritious! The flowers are edible too. (I put them into "flower power" salads.) Dandelion jelly is also quite nice and can serve as a substitute for honey.

Why dandelions? First, I identify with them so strongly that I wince when I hear those "we hate dandelions" pesticide commercials on TV. And, indeed the people who tend to hate dandelions and pour poisons on their lawns to kill them tend not to like people like me.

Next, I'm weedy. I get along just about anywhere, just as they can grow in any soil and even in the cracks in concrete. We are similar not only in our adaptability but also our persistence.

Next, like them, I have my showy side, but the things that people notice about me may not be my most significant qualities. Similarly, people think about the flashy yellow flowers, not necessarily noticing the nutrients in those deep green leaves or the medicinal benefits in those deep roots.

Finally, as the dandelion does its seeds, I like to distribute my ideas widely, not much caring whether they are attributed to me.

Undergraduate / "I can - the sky is the limit" - UF Essay [3]


Really? Worse than 'genocide'? 'Pedophilia'?


What about 'racism'?

My point is that your writing is quite good and your story compelling. You don't have to stray into ridiculous hyperbole to catch your reader's interest.

Writing Feedback / web designers use the techniques of human psychology and brain structure... [5]

What are you trying to say in the first sentence? Just say it directly. Then proofread the sentence carefully to make sure no words are missing.

Undergraduate / UF essay -- Trip to Iceland [2]

This is a very good start, but needs pruning. Remember that the prompt asks for a concise story. Go back through and eliminate all extra words and phrases.

For example:

I thought someone might have put something curious in my cordon bleu airplane meal

It was possibly the most interesting and breathtaking place I have ever visited.

However, I will not lie,admit when my mother informed me that the family vacation of the year would take place inwe were going to Iceland, I was a little wary. I meanT he name itself does not make it a very enticing place to visit.

Undergraduate / College app: Contribution to educational environment essay: help with beginning [6]

I like that idea too! You could start with a scenario in which "too many cooks spoil the broth" by competing rather than cooperating and by not communicating with one another. Or you could describe some joyous group cooking scene, such as a group of volunteers with Food Not Bombs using cast-off ingredients to cook a meal for the homeless.

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]

If you talk about how incredibly difficult life with autism can be, that will make it seem like the book is dreary and preachy. Instead, tell about how the book, from the very first page, takes you into the head of somebody who sees the world entirely differently from the way that most people do. Tell how this draws you into a story that is itself a gripping murder mystery.

Essays / Characteristics of a good friend (which friend would you choose) [6]

I think what the prompt asks you to do is not only identify the characteristics of the type of friend you could choose but also compare the importance of the characteristics of intelligence, humor, and reliability in friends.

Undergraduate / Barrier between me and my dream career; UT AUSTIN; SOP [10]


No, no, nooooo!!! Don't, don't, DO NOT start this essay by rambling on about how hard it has been for you to write this essay. I know that this seems like a fabulously original idea to you. It is not. Do not do it.

I'm wondering why you abandoned your original (in both senses of the word) approach? I liked that lead. It would catch the attention of a bored and busy admissions officer. This new tack, I'm afraid, is off track.

Undergraduate / "I come prepared very well academically" - UF Application Essay [4]

I like the engaging introduction, but the essay then becomes dull. If you know that you may lose the reader at any moment, what can you do to make sure that he or she keeps reading?

(1) Concise, direct sentences without any superfluous words.
(2) Active voice; action verbs.
(3) Vivid images.

Go!

Undergraduate / "My work experience" -- Too...nonchalant? [9]

Perhaps you could say that holding and being bored by this minimum wage job has enhanced your awareness of the value of education. Without a college degree, this is your life.

Undergraduate / "responsible student", "ideal school for me" - UCF Admission Essays [3]

Let's work on wordiness.

Being biracial had been something that I felt made meonce led me to feel inferior to others.

However, the distinctiveness of my situation and how IC onquering the cruelties of prejudice encouraged me to become an open-minded person .

In addition, the encouragement I received fromof my family helped develop me into a hardworking and dedicated student.

Writing Feedback / Food Stands Vs Eating at Home = Convenience Vs Quality [8]

You can be less wordy by being more precise:

"Initially, it seems cheaper to buy food and cook it ourselves, than to eat at restaurants, where the price is often rather high."

Does it only seem that way at first and then you learn otherwise? If not, strike "initially." Does home-cooked food only seem less expensive? If not, you can change "seems" to "is."

You can also gain power by omitting empty modifiers like "rather."

Another way to gain power is to use action verbs:

We can save money by cooking our own food rather than paying high prices at restaurants.

Research Papers / research paper on drug legalization [5]

Please do more than use Google. Specifically, use the databases of scholarly articles available via your school library. If you do use a website you find via Google, you will need to make sure that the site is a credible source of information. Since students sometimes don't know how to assess the validity of web sources, some teachers ban internet references unless they have been approved by the instructor. Check with your teacher concerning his or her policies regarding internet source.

Graduate / MBA - Career Progess and Goal Essay [9]

I've moved this back to the original thread. It's our policy to keep revisions in the same thread. If you want to save space, you can replace the text of an original with "SEE BELOW" after posting a revision, which I have done.

Writing Feedback / Good Boss, Bad Boss: Compare/Contrast Essay [27]


Oh, yes. People think that online courses will be easier but, because so much of communication occurs through gestures and tone of voice, they are often harder.

Writing Feedback / Reasons why people listen to music [7]

By mentioning soldiers, I was just giving an example of the very many things you could have said to make the essay more full-bodied. Books and books have been written on the topic. The main thing, as I hope I made clear above, is to make sure you have enough ideas and to organize those ideas before you begin to write. The quality of the pre-writing work tends to determine the quality of the writing that follows.

Student Talk / Took the IELTS Today and didn't go as I expected :( [35]

I'm sorry you both are disappointed. Those are respectable scores which will certainly improve as you continue to work, individually and together, on your writing skills.

Research Papers / Comparing pre and post Gold Rushes of the 1850s in Australia. [14]


Are not the aboriginal people the original Australians? Was their displacement not a turning point that entirely altered the character of the continent?


For whom? That's always the question in history. Better or worse for whom? Collapsing everybody into a single entity obscures the reality that social processes such as gold rushes have disparate impacts on different groups.

Book Reports / Argumentative essay on 1984 - Outline [40]

The altruism vs selfishness argument is so 1984. More recent neurological research demonstrates that altruistic acts light up the same brain pleasure centers as sex and food. Humans are social animals. Just like most other social species, we're hard-wired to be altruistic. Stated differently: For members of social species, helping the group is helping the self. The distinction is illusory. The question is moot.

Undergraduate / Hough Graduate School of Business - admission essay [2]

I'm glad you're dedicated to hard work and endurance, because you've got a lot of work to do before this essay will be useful to you. As it now stands, this essay is so bland and banal that it is unlikely to capture the attention of any admissions officer. Think about it: A middle class family who taught its children -- wonder of wonders! -- that success requires hard work. Could there possibly be anything less informative you could tell us about yourself or your family? You've got to come up with something about your background, life experiences, or identity that is not shared with every single other applicant. It could be anything! But it's got to be something. As it is right now, this essay could have been written by anybody.

Finally, do you imagine that the admissions officer needs you to supply the name of the university's business school? Is the name of the school the reason you think it's right for you? Unless your own name is "Hough," you're going to have to come up with something other than that to explain your interest in that particular program.

Graduate / 'failure is bound to occur' - PTCAS Doctorate of Physical Therapy [7]

I like the way that this essay begins and I like the overall narrative thread. I think that you need to tighten up the narrative in the middle, telling your story more concisely, in order to make room to tell us some of your accomplishments (in order to balance out that tale of failure).

Poetry / The Limerant, caught, so voluntarily; Like melody drawn nightingale [3]

I like much of the language and imagery in this poem. However, I see a central problem. First, I believe you mean "limerent" not "limerant." Next, that is an adjective, not a noun. In other words, there is no such thing as "a limerent." That's like calling somebody "a pretty" or "an awful."

Even if you wanted to take poetic license to do that, limerence itself is an obscure concept with which you might not want to associate yourself if you are hoping to win the favor of the person for whom the poem was written. If the reader does know what limerence is, then she will probably know that the concept is centered on intense emotion that usually does not last.

I know that I am challenging the central premise of your poem. I'm sorry about that, but you did ask for feedback. On the upside, you clearly have a gift for imagery and I rather like the rhythm of some of your lines.

Writing Feedback / Reasons why people listen to music [7]

I can see why you are frustrated. This essay is relatively impoverished in terms of content, for such a rich subject. You probably have more to say than you realize. I wonder if you spent enough time thinking before deciding to write. One thing that you might have done before beginning to write would be to brainstorm all of the situations in which people listen to music. These include not only private listening but all sorts of social situations, such as festivals, funerals, weddings, parties, etc. Thus it would seem that music serves a social as well as a private emotional function.

Another thing you could have done would be to list the different effects that music can have on people. In addition to those you mentioned, I think about how music has been used to inspire soldiers to march or to fight and has also been used by prisoners and slaves not only to make bad situations more tolerable but also to communicate secret messages to one another.

Whatever else you could have done to generate ideas, you also ought to have made yourself an outline before beginning to write. Even if the outline is rough, it will keep you on track and ensure that you don't leave out anything you meant to say.

Undergraduate / College app: Contribution to educational environment essay: help with beginning [6]

First of all, working well with others is an excellent characteristic to stress. Secondly, I like your idea of using cooking as an analogy. You could suggest that the people in a class are like the ingredients in a recipe. If you were to use that metaphor, you could start with a description of cook adding different ingredients to a dish, note that you like to cook, and then say that cooking has taught you that every ingredient is important and they all work together. You could then stress that you are very good at working with others, perhaps even offering a particularly friendly ingredient as a metaphor for yourself. Or you could talk about other things you have learned by cooking, such as the importance of planning ahead and taking one step at a time or the joy of creating things for others to enjoy.

Student Talk / Exam passing tips - its my final year [71]

That's very smart. Memory research suggests that the more connections between a piece of information and other concepts -- whether these be ideas, images, or other pieces of information -- the more likely the information is to be retained.

Dissertations / Suggestions for Ph.D topic in marketing? [4]

A PhD is, after all, a doctorate. Generally, by the time one is thinking about dissertation topics, one has already earned a Masters or equivalent (generally preparing a thesis or equivalent in the process) and also finished all of the coursework for the PhD. Many people build on, work from, or otherwise elaborate the topic of their Master's thesis for their doctoral dissertation. Even if that is not desired, I would imagine that somebody who has completed the coursework for a PhD would have some ideas or at least a specific area of interest within the field. If not, then it's time to do lots and lots of reading or the scholarly literature in the field in order to get up to speed to pursue a PhD.

Writing Feedback / Good Boss, Bad Boss: Compare/Contrast Essay [27]

U.S.:
A = 90-100
B = 80-89
C = 70-79
D = 60-69
Below 60 = failure

Graduate / SOP part for extra co-curricular activity - Ph.D [4]


1. Say more about the two papers you presented, giving a one sentence abstract of each.

2. Say more about your participation in the digital system logic design cometition, providing one or two sentences about your entry or entries.

3. Do mention the extra-curriculars, but not in quite so much detail. List your yoga awards. Mention your group discussions award. Leave out face painting. Instead just say that you participated in many other extra-curricular activities and look forward to being an active member of your department and campus communities.

Undergraduate / "responsible student", "ideal school for me" - UCF Admission Essays [3]


This sounds strangely medical. I'd suggest, "Being biracial and multi-ethnic..."


The negative phrasing here throws your conclusion off track. Instead say, "is definitely an opportunity I want to seize" or something phrased similarly positively.

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate essay help ("living on campus") [6]

In contrast to Liebe, I like almost everything about this essay. The tone is just right, and I think the admissions committee will understand that you are writing it as if you were speaking to your prospective roommate. I advise you to be less specific in describing your messiness (no need to go overboard in describing your flaws) and to fill up the space freed by excising some of that with a few of your other interests. Not many people like both listening to Metallica and reading Marx! By listing those two things, you'll establish that you are well-rounded and intellectually engaging.

Poetry / "Winter Day", "Fall" - Review My Poems. [8]

For contemporary poetry, you could go to the "Poetry International Web" and browse around. This month's issue has some pretty descriptive poems by Yao Feng. For older poetry you could go to the Project Bartleby Archive, click on the "Verse" tab, and then either browse a few anthologies or have a look at some of the books by D.H. Lawrence or G.M. Hopkins, both of whom are pretty descriptive. For famous poems from all eras, visit the "Famous Poets and Poems" website. Maya Angelou, who is represented on that site, is particularly descriptive and innovative in her use of imagery.

Undergraduate / Need help on Bump in road Essay (my best friend's death) [23]

Okay, so, as I feared, what you mean by "the potential impact of every decision that I make" is the potential impact on yourself. Also, I see that you took out the part about not valuing other people until they're gone. This makes you seem self-centered. I'm not saying you are self-centered, just that the essay in its current form does not show us that your friend's death led you to value other people more, take better care of the people in your life, or to dedicate yourself to a purpose larger than yourself. You may want to think about that before turning it in.

Dissertations / Suggestions for Ph.D topic in marketing? [4]

I'm tempted to wonder whether somebody who would post such a request is, indeed, prepared to pursue a PhD. Surely, if you are at that level, you have at least some ideas, some research interests, some area of marketing in which you intend to specialize. Tell us what they are and we can help you settle in on a topic.

Undergraduate / "my inner characteristics to shine" - UCF prompt Contribute to UCF community [7]

"Dramatic" difference, "momentous" impact, "intense" leadership... these all seem a bit, um, dramatic for the simple fact of having and doing well at a part-time job. Also, I'm not sure about the self-referential introduction, in which you describe writing the essay.

Anybody else? Thoughts?

Undergraduate / "Fleeting memories" - Are there any significant experiences you have had.... [16]


Everybody feels bitter sometimes. If it goes too far, though, it can eat you up inside. So, for personal comfort, it can be helpful to try to figure out where that's coming from and make some cognitive changes. Our concern, however, is your writing. For creative writing, expressing bitterness vividly can lead to powerful prose. But, for an application essay, one wants to avoid highlighting such emotions.

Research Papers / Comparing pre and post Gold Rushes of the 1850s in Australia. [14]

The assignment is to compare before and after. The gold rushes devastated aboriginal communities. It ought not be hard to say that succinctly. To do otherwise is to ignore one of the central effects of the gold rushes.

Undergraduate / Philosophy represented by the three latin words - FSU Entrance Essay. [11]


Really? When you were six you thought to yourself, "This is a personal growth opportunity for me"? I think not. This points up the importance of wording. What you mean to say is that you now realize that previous challenges, such as the one you describe when you were six, were also opportunities for personal growth.

Writing Feedback / Good Boss, Bad Boss: Compare/Contrast Essay [27]


In American schools, 85 is typically a mid-range B; "A" typically starts at 90.

Writing Feedback / workaholic; Spending money on taking vacation, travelling is better than saving [4]

I just read, in the current issue of Wired magazine, that research demonstrates that, looking back over their lives, people regret the times that they did not have fun, travel, etc. more than they regret failing to save money or be cautious in some similar way.

Grammar, Usage / Unintelligible Lyrics [3]

I'll let fans of the musical jump in on this one.