Undergraduate / 'Hardware issues' - MIT Creativity Essay (a time you used your creativity) [5]


i think dash will be better

Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay--My City [5]


Correct me if I'm wrong, but i think that this question doesn't ask for your aspiration, simply an idea or an interest. Therefore, talking about the future, unless you really want to, is unecessary.

i'm applying to cornell 2 :D it's one of the easier ivies to get in i heard...so what major are you going for, Satya? engineering?

btw, is that how long your real name is? that must be a pain to bubble standard testing sheets right?

Undergraduate / 'Hardware issues' - MIT Creativity Essay (a time you used your creativity) [5]


process. I decided to change it by setting up a computer...

overall, really good essay. I had a big trouble with this topic (guess that's why i'm deferred lol), but you seem to have captured the point. Well done, i think they'll enjoy it :D

Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay--My City [5]


where do you show that the program is flexible? examples?


so do you want to fix the system, or the people?


you already mentioned this...don't sound too discouraged, that dampens your essay


you're not very confident...
be more down the line of I want to solve this prob because... and Cornell will help me in achieving tehm because (and talk about the prog(s) you like)


what fields?

overall, your tone is very...hesitant. you use a lot of "if" which makes you sound not determined.
Instead, say what you want to do, and why, and how Cornell will help you achieve. GO on their website and find specific programs. You've gotta say WHY CORNELL, not why engineering.

Student Talk / Sending SAT subject tests - I do not wish to let the college to see the score [17]

yup to be honest, you should've done it like 1 month ago, but o well...enough with this score talk lol

Student Talk / Sending SAT subject tests - I do not wish to let the college to see the score [17]


yea, that + 2 weeks = you're LATE!!! well some schools have jan. 15th deadline, lucky if that's your case!

Student Talk / Sending SAT subject tests - I do not wish to let the college to see the score [17]

that 2, and u'd have to pay 27 bux for extra fast shipping lol.

Student Talk / Sending SAT subject tests - I do not wish to let the college to see the score [17]

yea, that'll save you money lol

Undergraduate / Challenge in my life- short paragraphs [4]

i think it would be more personal...i think...not sure about anything right now, especially concerning a MIT prompt :(

Undergraduate / "inferiority complex" - MIT most significant challenge essay [8]

avoid you's, it challenges the reader

I'm not sure that your essay answers the prompt. it wants to know who YOU are, not your brother. You seemed to have interpreted the prompt as an experience, but it's challenge. Where's your challenge in this, and what did you do to solve it?

Undergraduate / Challenge in my life- short paragraphs [4]

for MIT?

your essay needs to be in past tense. so I cringed, she chose...


i would use ellipses. my school years...until my junior year
also, do you really need thruout my school years? i mean, it's all your life right?


awkward order
I began to hear the infamous statement when I was still in elementary school , or just in elementary school

avoid you's

your 2nd paragraph in which you described your problem isn't very touching...it's flat and filled with facts, which isn't bad, but it feels empty. The reader cannot sympathize with you if you depict your problem with a boring tone.

one of the reasons: you spend 4 sentences before FINALLY getting to the problem: it was affecting your grades. I mean, if this is a problem, then SAY it's a problem. Don't go about saying how it wasn't a problem in the beginning, and how you were making friends just fine...what's your point? Is this something you struggled with or not?

Notice that although this is an internal problem, we get 0 times your psychology. How did you react? was it only grades? i mean, you have to FEEL it first before it gets to the grades right?


so this is your solution? that's IT?

look, the prompt asks for a challenge and how you overcame it. THe only part you actually answered it is 1 sentence: introduce myself to new people...with such an easy question, I begin to wonder whether the problem existed in the first place...

yea, answer the prompt

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]

melissa, i completely agree with you :D altho...it's so hard to write an essay like that...

Student Talk / Sending SAT subject tests - I do not wish to let the college to see the score [17]

you should send ALL of them despite the score choice thing

If you're using commonapp, you kinda have to put all your test days and stuff anyway. Plus, some colleges "strongly recommend" that you send all of your scores. idk the UC statement, you should read it.


true, unless you bombed them.

Undergraduate / 'I successfully founded an electronics club' - MIT creativity essay [4]


My interest in sciences (which ones? chem? physics?) when I was in boarding school.
try to make this first sentence a bit more "creative"? we'll see...


I encountered one of the best physics teachers I have known (i'm sure that your statements will make the MIT rep grin lol) there, Mr. Raghavan

...

there r some mistakes, but understandable coming from a person in India.
I'm not really a big editing fan, so I'll just comment on the ideas.


it seems that this sentence describes the problem. Is that all? not good looking? I'm pretty sure that you also wanted to talk about the shape of the solar cells, so do it here!

1 HUGE and 1 minor problems.

How does your essay answer the prompt? It asks for something creative, but it seems that you got all your info either from your physics teacher, or from the World Solar Challenge...which shows your abilities to research and stuff, but not creative.

This is creativity: you have a problem, you try to find ways to solve it, and DING! you've got it! Use a clever way to solve the problem

But it has to be YOU, not your physics teacher. Try to take credit of the project.

the minor problem. As you mentioned, there's a world solar challenge, which means that the project you're doing isn't very original, which kinda defeat the purpose. Also, I've seen many writings on the SAME project. I personally wrote a statement about solar panels and this project (not car) i did on it. Therefore, either come up with something REVOLUTIONARY, or give up the topic...it's too common.

Undergraduate / My family: Truly Utopian: MIT background essay [11]


again, what's as per?

you still only covers facts, which isn't bad, but isn't particularly interesting neither. And you do need a very interesting topic for MIT.

Undergraduate / Studying in Poland and being caught by the emigration to the U.S.A. University of Chicago essay. [7]

lol haven't heard from u since you emailed me your essay. So how's the app going?

Undergraduate / A sigificant experience - hoping that my stutter would disappear [5]


actually, they do...if tho they don't say it blatantly

it all depends on your overall app. Smit is right in that essays are an essential, part, but still not as quite as scores and GPA.

Here's the level of importance:
Classes,
Grades,
Scores,
Essays.

This being said, when all the three previous components are outstanding, which is pretty much 90% of ivy applicants (i sure hope), the essays become PIVOTAL in the decision process.

But that's at condition that the previous three are good. They pretty much go: is this student special in any way? (race? difficulties? (handicap, first year...), if not, then go: is this student qualified score-wise? (they put their mid-50% in Collegeboard.com), if so, then they won't go back to your scores.

I wouldn't simply say that you don't have a chance, since you do have a hook with your difficulty. However, it'll be hard...


lol i get back my EA response today... in 2 hours...

but I really can't tell for sure, I know that they like creativity and uniqueness, so you might have a shot...but 1900...don't wanna discourage you, but it'll be hard. Did you take ACT? You might do much better on that.

Undergraduate / My family: Truly Utopian: MIT background essay [11]


I'd avoid using you's, as a general rule. Makes your essay sound informal


not sure what you mean by best. Favorite maybe?


It's very awkward wording and although I get your idea, I would formulate in a different way, simply because saying that if you fail, then you'll still pursue that interest doesn't sound as nicely as simply say that you've contributed a lot to your clubs

but I created ones that nourished my interests; not only did I spend time and energy on these clubs, I also grew my passions alongside.

... still sounds pretty weird...but i think you get what i mean


this sentence is pretty awkward and doesn't provide the necessary transition for your immigration to US


that's ALL your interests? or did you just want to underline your special contributions...then put, I was particularly engrossed in a few clubs and became blabla


this is the typical money doesn't buy happiness, so do not covet lesson. Is that what you want to convey?


your adversity seems to be a lack of resources, not necessarily monetary, so I wouldn't use the BMW quote.

overall, good essay. does answer the prompt and convey your unique background. However, could be made more emotional and "touch" the reader.

Undergraduate / A sigificant experience - hoping that my stutter would disappear [5]


hopefully doesn't end here...so make it "am becoming" or use another verb


Isn't the subconscious part a bit late? You should've put this right after you talked about the loser part in the body, not in the conclusion. The reader should learn nothing new in the conclusion, especially not in the last sentence. I get that it's a summary of your story...try coming up with a better end.

I persevered or something

how is this awkward? I personally really enjoyed your story, and think that this is actually a "hook" instead of a weakness. Things like race (altho they won't ever admit it), handicap (not sure what to call what you have, but stutter is proven to be a handicap)...if used in the right way, which you do, can be great boosters

EDIT: Where are you applying to? If it's an ivy lvl school, then what I say apply since they like uniqueness and people who overcome their predicaments...state schools, not sure.

well done. I'd just get it checked by an english teacher before submitting it.

Undergraduate / My family: Truly Utopian: MIT background essay [11]

highlight what you want, then click quote (make sure it's the person who quoted) and you'll have some source code popping up below. And you can play with that as well, i'm sure you'll figure it out quickly

btw, love your new format, will read it tomorrow. i meant later today.

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay : Stars live and they die. [6]


O, that makes a lot more sense

in this case, your essay might work just fine :D, altho i still don't get the change part.

Undergraduate / My family: Truly Utopian: MIT background essay [11]

The question was asking you how your world fostered your aspirations, so where are your dreams?


i almost read as "all this made me think...". if you never thought of this, why bother putting it in?

Try to integrate some transition.

Where does the quote come from? and the BMW? i get it's to show wealth, but...sounds pretentious


there might be a better way of saying this. It over aggrandize your accomplishments. Not saying that it's not impressive, but the "though I'm new", i still became this this kinda...you know what i mean?

and you put in some really weird quotes. Perhaps make them a bit clearer.

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay : Stars live and they die. [6]

Contrary to what Jonathan thinks, I saw your philosophy in your essay, especially second paragraph. However, it's vague and too poetic, while you really need to be down to earth to answer this prompt.

And I don't get how you had a transition to change

this essay isn't bad, but doesn't answer the prompt well enough.

Undergraduate / MIT spare time essay and appealing major [5]

lol notice that one of the forum rules is to help THIS thread, not talk about your own...at least not before contributing

your spare time thing is nice, but I'd develop what part of technology fascinates you. you name a bunch of info sponsors...but honestly your SA reads more to me like a direct appeal to go to MIT than a personal essay...unless you convey your passion, that is


try to combine this with your previous sentence

Well, your major essay doesn't talk anything about your understanding of your major. It focuses on your interest of engineering, which isn't bad, but not answering the prompt fully. I think that you ought to talk more in depth about the engineering outside your childhood fancies and actually focuses on what MIT offers. I think that the hint question behind this is: why come to MIT for your major?

Overall, I think you should be more creative. MIT is a very liberal school, and loves to see new things (they have an essay on that!) So you need to vary your sentences, make your essay feel more alive, and try using catchy starts!

Undergraduate / "She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1 [22]


yea...that's kinda the problem

because it was done so quickly, and so blatantly (sry for the word, but I really need to convey that a quick essay IS not the way to go, even if you run out of time), your point really can't be conveyed. So again, I wanna reemphasize that it's much better, and easier, to simply talk about the problem of the sex, drugs and alcohol, without going the roundabout way of the assembly stuff


so no more assemblies? lol that'd be weird...sitting in the fine-art performance hall listening to mozart...not very realistic lol


O, so the tumor thing is actually real? You've got my sympathies...but sry girl, it's a busy time for everyone, and it's very unlikely that you'll have someone writing your essay out for you tonight...that's the extent of my help to you...after all, it's a personal essay.

Undergraduate / Vice President of the student government program [4]

So what's the topic?

And I agree with Mustafa (If I actually understood his statements right...) It's all perspective and depending on where you apply. For most, this might sound impressive (but you really make it hard when you say that you pretty much failed in academics), but for the tier one schools, it's not going to work at all. The only thing you offer that is different is the first generation thing, but even that...

I suggest that unless the prompt states that you need to talk about your clubs in a way that underlines your improvement, don't emphasize on your negative side. Instead, talk about your passion for the things you do! It'll sound much more positive and most importantly, try to underline your strength. Contrary to what you might believe, the admin cares A LOT about your grades and wants to see that you care A LOT about your grades as well. Although you try to provide the argument that grades and honors don't really matter...well they do, and the colleges need to see that. Or are you saying that you're a genius beyond grades...in that case...good luck!

Undergraduate / "She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1 [22]


jk then, your essay's wayy shorter than that


you really need to start a new thread, that'll pass for this time tho...

a lot of use of you's, not a big fan of that.

try to make the overall tone a bit formal


so i take this as your thesis?
if not, then you need to make it your thesis. this essay feels a lot more like an informative/argumentative essay instead of narrative, so the last sentence in the intro has to be the topic sentence of the entire essay


lol, bullying has eating disorders?


I thought that your concern was assemblies? or loss of confidence? or bullying? it's very confusing...


because this is the part where you get to the personal, I take this as the focal point of your essay. If this is the case, then you need to put in the intro: Many suffer from depression and blabla to make sure that the reader understand what your concern actually is.

The assembly part seems solely an attention catcher...which is more confusing than eye-catching. So are assemblies good? Nonetheless, there's a dramatic shift of focus in the middle of the essay, you suddenly began talking about music...why not start with it?

It feels...that the essay has been quickly put together on a topic that you are not completely sure about, thus the "caulfield"-like digressions. It's not personal enough and the reader doesn't feel how you care in about the problem, since in the short 3rd paragraph/conclusion in which you talk about how you were personally impacted...you cover the music part only.

I'd suggest that you start by talking how you've experience the bad things in a wayyy more detailed and emotional way, then move to the big picture, then talk about how music might change it, then end with your plans for teh future.

It'll take some time and effort; if you don't have enough...what can i tell u? i mean, i get that we're procrastinators, but like in economics, there's an opportunity cost for everything!

Undergraduate / Autobiogaphy Essay - University of Pennsylvania [6]

I lied, this is a perfect topic, well written on top of that.

Undergraduate / "Your favorite books, music, artists, newspapers, films" UChicago short response [8]


known


this is very wordy. Basically, you want to say University of Chicago's intellectual expansion? or does the "environment" part has a different connotation?

Undergraduate / MIT essay. A time you used your creativity. [8]

yea, i guess so, but still...it's MIT, and the kids who can make machines will most likely write essays that show commitment and passion...o well, it's not like i can change anything at this point.

Undergraduate / "Your favorite books, music, artists, newspapers, films" UChicago short response [8]

I really like your first answer. It's very specific to UChicago and covers who you are


I'm not really sure why you feel obligated to contribute. So I'd take this out, unless you feel like explaining this in your essay


my college adviser said that a few is at least 3, so feel free to disagree with me, but I think you need 1 more.


capitalize

you could add another thing you like after your "ydk about politics.." book, it's a bit too short anyway.

Undergraduate / I have taken many journeys devoid ; Carnegie Mellon- Why?/ Major [8]

yea, your descriptions of ivy experience and the city r very very impersonal comments, better take them out.

Undergraduate / "I am clean, but not tidy" - Stanford roomate essay [6]

great job! your essay cleverly describes the different aspect of your life, and really conveys how unique you are.

love the mail part, it's a lost art indeed

my only suggestion: hold back on the you's. with you's, your essay sounds informal, which isn't bad since your tone is very light, but you should remember that your audience is still the admin, not your roommate.


weird syntax.

Undergraduate / "I have grown up on two continents" - Common App Personal Essay on Diversity [3]


somewhat pretentious, but we'll see...


so I take this as your broad perspective?


nice british touch


second time you use it, watch out


what does this have to do with judging?


too brutal of a change of subject, some transition?


mm...
how you did merge those identities? are you 4 in 1? unless you clarify, the admin will won't know if you overcame the cultural clashes


how? it's not easy to overcome the cultural barrier...


by saying this, you hint that your essay explain what diversity is...and i don't think that immigration = diversity

it really depends on where you're applying. all i can say is that if it's for ivy, then this essay won't help you much

realize that diversity isn't simply having immigrated to many places. If it were, then wouldn't a person who immigrated to 15 different countries be more diverse then you? does that mean that that person would have a higher chance of getting in a school that looks for diversity?

diversity is psychological. It's what makes you unique, and that's not cuz you've immigrated. i myself wrote essays on this topic, and realized that being an immigrant isn't the special part, it's how you reacted to that that makes you unique. you're lucky to go to these places, but it's unfair if that gives you an advantage over somebody who didn't go. Immigration alone doesn't prove anything, it's what you've done with it that does

i think that to write an essay that'll help you getting in your dream college, you have to understand diversity. realize that what you have is great, but it's what you've done with your opportunities that really matters to the admin.

Undergraduate / A book, artwork, or lab experiment that changed my world - CommonApp Essay [4]


i was sitting


who?


despite this traumatizing event, (or something to replace this)

----
how did this change your world? you say


yet you the only things you mention about impact of the book on you are:


and


while the first one is legitimate (you need to elaborate a bit more), the second one is something you should've learned a long time ago. Basically, you were saying that because what other people don't have what you have, you will value more what you have...which not only lacks support, but is a trite discovery.

When you see someone poor, your reaction might be: o, i'll start to value my money. But if you put that in an essay, you will sound selfish.

I suggest that you focus on 1 thing you learned, and actually use your personal experience to back it up. this essay focuses wayy to much on the book and not you. The admin wants to see who you are and how the book changed your world or your perception, not the book itself. THerefore, spend 1 paragraph talking about the book, then add how you were impacted and the events of your life.

Undergraduate / Autobiogaphy Essay - University of Pennsylvania [6]

it's a really creative essay and focuses a lot on the reasons why you wanna go to UPenn, but... take it or not, I'm not sure that's what the admins want.

if you read the essay written by the president of the school, you'll realize that she talks about her past accomplishments, and I really believe that it's what the school want. what have you done so far?

in this essay, you talk about your major and your plans for the future, but not really on who you were. In the main essay, the school already asks you what part of UPenn interests you, so I think that this prompt really wants to learn about your past and your most outstanding accomplishments, or challenge that had been overcome

i get this is an optional essay, so i guess...it really doesn't matter. it's up to you to decide whether the admin will take your interpretation as helpful to your profile, or not.

Undergraduate / Studying in Poland and being caught by the emigration to the U.S.A. University of Chicago essay. [7]

carlyang007 [at] hotmail.com

but if you read the threads on plagiarism, apparently putting your real name prevents that.

Undergraduate / MIT essay. A time you used your creativity. [8]


good luck, if this makes you feel better, this was my weakest essay and i absolutely hated it...but really couldn't find anything better than talking about this internship i did at a lab. the problem is that mit kids r mostly GENIUSES. they've done pretty amazing things even before getting in, so how exactly r we supposed to write on a topic that surpasses that?

Undergraduate / "She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1 [22]


no, you did mention the divorce stuff, plus it's not really important


you mean words? cuz your essay's 6k characters, but i think that might be barely the limit. don't they ask for xx line of 80 characters?

your essay's long, but pretty fun to read. i'd just make sure to go over it again and take out ANY details that might distract the reader.

Undergraduate / Studying in Poland and being caught by the emigration to the U.S.A. University of Chicago essay. [7]


but also


to the United States


, so

well being "caught" by the immigration sounds like a good idea...but I really need to see your body to judge if it's an essay that'll strengthen your app. From my knowledge of UChicago (I applied early action), it's a very creative and unique school. For an immigration essay to work, you really can't simply focus on how you learned english or how despite your language barrier you succeeded...cuz that's nothing new.

from your conclusion,


and


you seem to have fallen in the trap of simply describing your academic/transition to new environment hardships. I can tell you right away that if you simply described the experience and not your inner thoughts, how you were internally impacted apart from having learned all the stuff, it won't have the effect that you desire.