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Posts by septiadara29
Name: Septia Dara Pratiwi
Joined: Oct 12, 2016
Last Post: Dec 2, 2016
Threads: 48
Posts: 45  
From: Indonesia
School: Diponegoro University

Displayed posts: 93 / page 3 of 3
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septiadara29   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Go Ahead, Make Up New Word! Summary Ted [3]

Hello Att98! I will give you some opinions about your summary.

Paragraph 1:

Lexicographer is a job which to write a list of words in a dictionary, also to determine the word
Language is one part important part of communicativecommunication, which A group of people who decided to ...
... a reason to determine a good and a bad word.

Paragraph 2: Too short, try to make a better paragraph

There are two types of grammar which usually people do. Firstly, the grammar is already on their head which actually come from their brain. Secondly, the grammar comes from the native speaker who are already proficient with the word

(You have to search in Google about FANBOY which cannot put it in the first sentence)

Paragraph 3:

... the two words which commonly called as combination.
Furthermore, combiningthe combination of the words but there ...
Furthermore, the combination of the words has its drawback which is always some missing words or shorten words
There are also the other ways of (...) the function which commonly called panning function.

Paragraph 4: Too short, take a brief conclusion to make it longer.
septiadara29   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / The press tend to report about the lives and relationships of public figures [4]

The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities

Writing Task 2, Unit 4C, Page 45

The press tend to report about the lives and relationships of public figures. Some people argue that they have to take more attention to the ordinary society than famous people. However, in my opinion, the lives of ordinary society are important as well as celebrities.

People who argue that the journalist should report more ordinary people than famous people, they think that they also have a chance to be published in some television programmes. There are many talented people who come from small villages or rural areas, also enable to become a public figures. For instance, there is a painter who comes from a small district in Yogyakarta. He is born with disability and he has no arms. However, it cannot break his desire to create a beautiful painting by using his legs. In result, if a local media reports his life, it can help him to spread widely a positive sphere to the other people. So, reporting the lives of ordinary people has an essential role.

On the other hand, there are some main reasons why the media keep reporting more news about the lives and relationships of celebrities. They suggest that celebrities' lifestyle have make people more curious than another. For example, famous people usually take a vacation to the beautiful private islands or canyons, which need much money to be spent to visit there. So, the audience feel attract to watch them on television. Another reason, many celebrities are more talented than other people. They always create an impressive masterpice to the audience. For instance, Taylor Swift is a singer and a song-writer who has won twice in the Grammy Awards. As a result, many people choose her as the best public figure and want to know more about her daily activity, such as the preparation for the next album or tour. So, these reasons cause most reporters take much attention to famous people.

Overall, the news about the lives of ordinary society are also necessary to be reported by the media as well as actors or actresses. Although the ordinary society are able to give the possitive impacts by their natural skills, the way of celebrities lives and their creation are also entertaining. (367 words)
septiadara29   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Numbers of first-year teachers hired in some language schools in Canada [2]

The line graph gives information about the percentage of hired job for language teachers in Ontario based on the years of graduation from 2001 to 2007. According to the graph, there was a slight increase in the percentage of French-language teachers, meanwhile the percentage of English-language teachers declined dramatically. Overall, the percenage of French-language teachers was higher than another.

In 2001, the percentage of French-language teachers stood at seven in ten. In the next year, it dipped by 23% to 52% and went up again to 68% in 2003. Over the next four-year period, there was a slight increase in the percentage. In 2007, the percentage reached a peak at 75%.

In contrast, the percentage of English-language teachers hit the highest point to three-quarters. Then, it dropped dramatically and bottomed at 40% in 2003. In the next following year, there was a slight increase of 5%, eventhough it fell gradually by 20%, from 45% in 2005 to 25% in 2007. (160 words)
septiadara29   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Older generation has bigger integration issues connected with living abroad [2]

Writing Task 1, Unit 1C, Page 16

The bar chart gives information about kind of difficulties for some people when they live overseas according to the age. All in all, the most serious issues of moving abroad is experienced by the middle age for all different types of problem and the percentage of look for schools for kids trouble is always in the last. Although the finance sorting problem is in the second position, the healthcare arrangement is always in the top rank for the middle and elderly age.

The greatest problem for people aged 35 to 54 is healthcare arrangement around 38%. The young adults aged 18 to 34 have less difficulty on it. On the other hand, people aged between 18 and 54 have much difficulty in finance sorting at more than a third percent. The old people aged over 55 have less trouble on it.

The last problem is looking for schools for kids while it has the lowest percentage. People aged 35 to 45 are harder to deal with this problem at above 15%. Meanwhile, people over 55 have less problematic with it at 2.5%. (182 words)



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septiadara29   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Children's bad habits, for example they always eat some dirty, unhealthy foods [7]

Many childrean these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Writing Task 2 Unit 2C (Page 25)

Nowadays, many kids have an unhealthy lifestyle. Some people argue that schools and parents have a main role to be more responsible about this situation. However, in my opinion, another party has also an important role for building behavioral of healthy lifestyle in children.

One possible reason which causes young people have a bad habit about their lifestyle is they always eat some dirty foods from local authorities or food productions. The reason is because the children are more attract with the packaging of the food and the taste is more favourable. In addition, the price is affordable to be reached for most children. For instance, although the students have bring their own meal from home, they still kept buying and eating these foods because it takes more their attention. In result, it can cause some diseases to children, such as stomachache or cough. In fact, the children should change the way of their lifestyle to become more healthier.

On one hand, to help children solve this problem not only from schools or parents which have big responsbility, but also the food factories should take a part to reduce the damage. It because children cannot stop eating snacks or unhealthy foods, so food productions have to create an inovation. For example, they can produce healthy snacks which contain high nutrition, such as vegetable oil or fruit exctract. So children can keep getting more benefit through these foods. Besides, they can help to encourage the kids eat healthier foods.

In conclusion, the reason of unhealthy lifestyle in children is mainly caused by the packaging of the food products which provide the delicious taste, also the price is cheap enough for them. However, another party such as the food factories can take more responsbility to change their habit by creating new healthy snacks which contains more vitamins and proteins. (307 words)
septiadara29   
Oct 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Motorways reduce time and distance of arriving to other cities, but they are also dangerous [8]

Hello pluskid! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

"In over recent years(,) many countries have ..." Think about use a comma after describing year in the first sentences, such as 'In 2016, ....".

"In this essay, I will share my opinions of some people who ...".

Be carefull with Capital words in the first sentences, such as 'firstly' and 'lastly'.

"... which means thesome governments may cut trees down if theythe direction across among the trees".

"one solution that may works for this..."

"In addition, the highways some times(without any space I think) are dangerous".

"... problem would be solved if the cars companies..."

"lastly, since motorways are very queit and vast (?)..." Maybe 'since motorways are very quite big/ large/ vast'

"... government should increase the tax of driving in motorways alone ".

"To conclude, iI believed thatalthough motorways although have a lots ofmore(avoid using a lot of in the writting essay) benefit(,)but(after using although, you do not need to write 'but' because 'although' has showed that there is a contrast sentence) there are some problems: (...), and a growth of using own cars.
septiadara29   
Oct 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / A Questionnaire essay : What values do you share with XX's "Pleasant Life" philosophy? [3]

Hello Killua, I will give you some opinions about your essay.

The first thing is you should make a different paragraph between introduction and the bodies of paragraph which tell about opinions. Mabye in the last sentences of your introduction, you can give such as "I will give you some/ two mains/ three mains opinions about this view". So reader/ examiner can get the point about where you start describing your opinions and giving the reasons.

There is a grammatical error in the 4 lines "...it brings people in a garden isolatedan isolated garden from the outside of the chaotic mall".

I suggest to reduce using personal feeling, such as "This tranquil atmosphere makes me stop to thinking about the quality of life ...". I think it should be good, if you use 'this tranquil atmosphere makes some people...'

Such as this sentence, you give better writing style "...Basic but make buyers feel satisfied to use it..."

" Some sizes are slightly smaller than a A-5 paper so [...] the blanks inside are well organized". You actually good give the reader/ examiner an example about your opinion, however it takes too long and I think it is out of topics.

"Furthermore, I have seen many people used XX's containers to create a lovely house; many planners used ...
On the social network, many people sleep better or become more concentrated when they using the aroma diffusers". You put some opinions in the same paragraph without any linking words or transition words. The reader/ examiner will be confused about the relationship between those examples.

The last thing is the conclusion which you write in this essay is too short. It probably will be good if you summarize and rewrite again about your opinions in the last paragraph.

Good luck.
septiadara29   
Oct 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / The more people travel, the more rubbish are thrown away. [6]

Hello alvispanthom, I will give you some opinions about your essay.

The first thing is you have to write your essay in 250 words. Keep it up on writting until more than 250 words, so you will get higher score.

For the introduction, you should give a background about this issue. For instance way, you only just repeat the background facts of the question above by using your own words (paraphrase) and give a summary about your think, such as agree or disagree. It will help you solve the problem about reach the limit number of words in an essay.

You have good ideas. You use 'multiple idea' and give some example. It is good and my suggestion may be you should give a conclusion in the last sentences of paragraph.

The other opinion is you should seperated between your disagreements facts in different paragraph.

The last is about conclusion. You have good sentences and give the reader/examiner about your solution, but maybe you should rerwite again about your disagreement state in different words and then give the solution in the last sentences.

Good luck
septiadara29   
Oct 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Cuba's Underwater Jewels Are in Tourism's Path [3]

Hallo Ryan31, I will give you my opinions about your article summarize

..., marine life in Cuba was(because you give a personal description) so beautiful. As time goes on, the climate change washaschange altered everything such as ...

There arewere(because it should be in the past, not in the present) so many varieties of ...
... marine is always hunted by a human for earn much money. However,(because it has a contrast sentence between line 4 and line 5)
... with unique diversity(,) especially the corals.
Consequently, to preserve tourism, when the visitors coming todo notshould not or are banned to disturbs (...) as do not take any corals and clown fish for trades and clown fish .

..., the key of success is also keep maintaining the number of predators(,) for example crocodiles and sharks(,) to reach a balanced ecosystem.
septiadara29   
Oct 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Happy partners were significantly more likely to report better health [4]

Hello Eve01, I will give you some opinions about your article summarize.

"Between 2006 and 2012(,) Michigan State University...". You should take an attention about the using of comma, because your essay have 'no comma' in some sentences. It is important too to give you higher score.

"...in the Health and Retirement(,) over the last six years(,)(it)has(had) been found that Participants..." I think it should be "had" because It was already over now.

"... Participants with happy partners were significantly more likely to report better health, (to) experience less physical impairment, and to exercise more frequently than participants with unhappy partners". I think you miss that one.

"... avoiding doing self-destructive things(.)And thirdly, happy partners bring life easier...". I think "and" words is not appropriate if you put it in the first sentence.
septiadara29   
Oct 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Problem Solving About Pedestrian Areas with polluted air [4]

Hello mem77, I will give you my opinion about your essay.

I think I is good enough for your writing style. You have good introduction, ideas, and conclusion. I suggest that you should make a difference paragraph between introduction and solution. So you will have 4 paragraphs in total. Maybe starting in the fourth sentence of your first paragraph, you have to start separating it into new paragraph as Body 1.

The other suggetion is you used a lot of repetitive words and should be avoided by essay's writer. Such as 'big cities'; you can change it into 'large towns/ urbans/ states', 'pedestrian'; you can change it into 'people who walk in the street/ a walker/ foot traffic'.

The second paragraph, I suggest that you have to use 'linking word' such as 'To further encourage/ In addtion/ The other solution is..."
septiadara29   
Oct 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / In the past, most people would like to live in small house and have a big garden [5]

Hello Trang. I will give you some opinions about your essay.

Introduction:
(1) There are some grammatical errors, such as "...in (a) small house and(with) a big garden ..."
(2) Maybe you should use a common situation than personal feel or think, such as'most people/ some people agree with this statement' rather than "... i want my life near natural (i want stay near natural places, such as mountain/ river) ..."

(3) "The first, your life will more peaceful, enjoy clear asmosphere". You have to make a difference paragraph between intoduction and body 1 (your first idea/ opinion/ solution) and give the reader the more reasons

Body 2:
"I mean, every familys(families) also wish that..."

Body 3:
"I like to grow(ing) anything by my hand..."

There is no conclusion for your essay. Give some repititions with different words about your opinion.

Good luck
septiadara29   
Oct 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / What effects will these birth rate predictions have on developed countries [2]

Hallo Naoki28, I'll give you my opinion about your essay.

Introduction:
I think it will be good enough, if you were just making the background facts in the question as your introduction by using your own words (paraphrase). You used your idea (that should be the body of your essay) in your introduction. Just give a few summary about your idea in the first paragraph.

Body 1:
There is an unclear sentence in the second paragraph for "In many developed countries, the birth rate (?)".
"In another view, the labor is shortage because of aging society". Maybe it is better if "the number of labor is decreasing/ declining/ falling".

"so many younger do not want to marry and (to) get children because of ...". It is parallel structure.

Body 2:
"In these days, a lot of companies consider women ...". It is better for using "more" words rather than "a lot of" in an essay.

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