Writing Feedback / an altogether different way of understanding how we make observations. [40]

Greetings!

Ah, I see! (or do I? ;-)) Does the imagery stand in the way of our seeing? Do we create a different reality within our minds than what exists outside ourselves, because we place a veil of our own experiences over the image? And if so, since we cannot separate ourselves from our past experiences, does that mean we can never see things as they really are, and therefore never control them? Or does becoming aware of the veil allow us to push it aside?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / essay on - why I write [17]

Greetings!

"if the earth did not go around, and the sun stood still, would we have no concept as time?" - it might be better to say either "no concept such as time" or "no concept of time"...almost identical meanings, but not quite. It's an interesting question...what does create the concept of the passage of time? Does someone who cannot see, cannot tell light from dark, have the same concept of the passage of time as a sighted person?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'my High School Mathematics teacher' Admission essay of mine [5]

Greetings!

It can be a challenge to cut out a significant portion of something you have written--after all, you thought it was important or you would not have put it in your essay in the first place!

Although you only need to remove a little over 100 words, which really isn't a lot, that does constitute almost 25% of your essay, so it's not a tiny amount. What you'll need to do is take out anythng that isn't absolutely necessary, and also just try to say some things in a briefer way. For example, I removed 20 of the 66 words in your opening paragraph:

"The person who stands out as being the most influential and pivotal in my development is my High School Mathematics teacher, Mr. Phan Huy Tinh. He instilled in me a genuine thirst for knowledge and inspired the course I wish to pursue in my future studies."

You really don't lose anything as far as meaning, but already that's 20% of what you need to take out that's gone!

You could take out this sentence entirely: "As mentioned above, I love Math and I had previously dreamed that I would become a mathematician." Your next two sentences explain adequately enough that you had thought you'd become a mathematician. So now we've eliminated 37 words!

"in the present state of affairs" can go, too.

"Furthermore, I am sure my teacher will be extremely proud if I study at XYZ in the next academic year." - You could cut this down to "I know Mr. Phan would be proud." We saved 13 words!

So, you see? It's not too difficult; just trim it down here and there and the words will add up. I've got you halfway there and I bet you can do the rest!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / essay on - why I write [17]

Greetings!

I like your paradigm of unbefuddling! Hey, somebody needed to do it! ;-)) This piece strikes me as having greater clarity than some of the previous ones; that is, my perception of it seems to more easily grasp the meaning. I particularly like the phrase "a crease in our consciousness."

Very nice!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / an altogether different way of understanding how we make observations. [40]

Greetings!

Only if it feels too much like labor! ;-)) You did lose me momentarily here: "We feel could perhaps even resist by force of will, not let something come to pass, but we are only witnesses to this reality." - I'm thinking perhaps a "we" got left out before "could"; are you saying that we feel if we just try hard enough, we can stop things from happening? A false sense of power over things beyond our control?

Imageary = Imagery

As usual, you force my mind to follow unused paths (that's a good thing!).

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / How to write essay to describe myself? [22]

Greetings!

I agree, goals and aspirations are a good thing to include as well, if you have room within the word limit. :-)

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / CONTRACT; business law assignment [4]

Greetings!

Those are good questions. The "no worries" remark does not affect the breach of duty/negligence as far as I can see. "No worries" relates to the question of whether there was a contract. The contract issue and the tort (negligence) issue are two different things.

While I suppose one could make an argument that the comment introduced new terms to their already existing contract, the remarks were so vague, I don't see how that argument could prevail. What were the "terms"? Even if saying "no worries" obligated Sam to go get the piano, where is the consideration? Rob didn't promise to pay her anything more for doing it. Rob's comments sounded more like asking for a favor than offering new terms to a contract, in my opinion.

In the real world, that 9 am conversation would never be held to create an enforceable contract; the only way a lawyer would take that case is with a hefty retainer up front. ;-))

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / structure of a process paper? [4]

Greetings!

You'll be describing how to do something in your process paper, so you'll need to be specific in your directions. Start off by saying what process you are describing. For instance, "There are ten steps to building your own outside barbecue." Then say what ingredients or items you'll need to create it. Then proceed through the steps one at a time, using transition words, where appropriate: "After your cement has dried for five hours..." or "while you're waiting for the concoction to set, do this..." Finally, conclude with a remark that reveals the benefits of the process (why do it?): "Light the fire, toss on the ribs and prepare to feast!"

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / The Unbearable Lightness, The Dancer Upstairs, The Coast of Utopia [2]

Greetings!

You've been working hard, and it shows! I have just a few editing suggestions:

since eternal return dictates that all things in existence recur over and over again for eternity, [not semicolon] then human history is a present circle without continuity or progress.

"Jesus Christ" - I'm not sure why you put it in quotation marks both times, but you don't need to.

The heavier our burden, [add comma] the closer our lives come to the earth and the [I think you must mean "more" instead of "for"] real and truthful we become.

The question is which path do we choose,[add comma] lightness or weight?

The two major characters in the novel that represent lightness

She is sexually inhibited - I haven't read the book, but she sounds uninhibited...?

Sabina's lightness allows her to travel from place without conviction - do you mean "place to place"?

he is able to sleep with numerous [delete "amounts of"] women [delete "while maintaining"] without guilt or remorse for his promiscuity.

There is no domesticity or romance in their relationship; [add semicolon] instead, [add comma] the two share sexual euphoria.

Tereza is caring [do you mean "carrying"?] and reading a heavy book when she first meets [add s] Tomas and when she decides that she will [not "would"] give herself over to Tomas, [comma, not semicolon] she meets him with a heavy suitcase in which her entire life is packed.

which leads him to accept an invitation to the Grand March on Cambodia. He felt that marches and parades were [not "was"] light

Tereza's weight, [use comma] which she ultimately emits to Tomas,[add comma] also leads to their deaths, while coming home from a night of dancing.

Ezequiel, [add comma] who represents [delete comma] Abmiel Guzman, [add comma] the notorious guerilla leader of the Sendero luminose ("The Shining Path"), [add parentheses and comma] is a professor of philosophy.

He indoctrinates and brainwashes them, [add comma] promising them

cause injury, fatality and ciaos.- "ciao" is Italian for "good-bye." I think you mean "chaos."

Audience members at a show given at the theatre were [not "was"] brought on stage and executed.

Yolanda which he falls in love with - say "Yolanda, with whom he falls in love"

The major themes and point of interesting my opinion - not sure what this means; maybe got garbled when you were cutting and pasting?

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / CONTRACT; business law assignment [4]

Greetings!

I can speak to general principles of law, which are probably the same in Australia as here in the U.S., though I don't know for sure. The conversation Sam and Rob had about the piano appears woefully insufficient to me to form an oral contract. "I would like to get my piano back" is not the same as "I want you to go get my piano." I don't see that as an offer, nor do I see any consideration for a contract; there would need to be a promise to pay, by Rob, and a promise to perform the task, by Sam. That conversation constitutes neither, in my opinion.

Sam may very well be liable for negligence. Whether or not there was a contract, if Sam undertakes to move the piano, she has the duty to do so in a non-negligent fashion. There might be an issue as to who actually closed the gate on the truck; Sam could try to argue that the neighbor did so, and failed to do it properly. However, that probably wouldn't work, because it was Sam's truck (maybe the gate was faulty) and Sam was driving it, and Sam probably had the duty to check the gate before driving off. So, even if someone else didn't shut the gate properly, Sam was probably still liable.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Satirical essay - controversial issue in Health Sciences [4]

Greetings!

Oh, I love satire! If it can be anything to do with health, I would take the opportunity to write about our marvelous U.S. health care system! You know, that one with the cutting-edge medical advances that only people with really good insurance, like members of Congress, can afford? I just love how Uncle Sam takes nice big chunks out of my earnings to pay for those marvelous health plans for retired civil servants, people like, say, ex-Presidents and Senators, who could probably afford to pay their own medical bills, but instead, I help pay for them with my taxes--hey, it's the patriotic thing to do! Of course, I don't get any health care...nope, not one bit! We self-employed folks don't need health coverage, do we? Surely not...we just need to keep paying our taxes so that the government can give our money to people who really need it--like millionaire ex-public servants!

Well, that's what I'd write about, anyway... ;-))

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Evaluation essay - Criteria for selecting cocoa varieties [4]

Greetings!

You've written a very interesting essay about a subject that's near to my heart! ;-)) I have just a few suggestions for you.

1735 is a watershed in the chocolate history. - don't begin a sentence with a number. Either write it out in words, or say "The year 1735..."

The basic gustatory elements of appreciation for evaluating processed cocoa, named chocolate are the look...- better would be, "known as chocolate"

sustainable development and fair [no "e"] trade.

Therefore, the pleasure that pushes to apply a particular choice between various chocolate brands, the future prospect for increasing one's attractiveness or the expectation of potential benefits for medical treatments leads to exercise a tremendous force on future North-South economic relations. - The phrases in bold are not expressed quite the way one normally does in English. Better would be "causes one to make a particular choice" or "leads to a particular choice" for the first one; and, "creates a tremendous force..." for the second.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / International human rights law essay [3]

Greetings!

I can understand your confusion, if law is not your area! Fortunately, it's one of mine, or I'd be confused, too! "Jurisprudence" can be used to refer to the philosophy of law, a system of laws, or to decisions of courts, and particularly of reviewing tribunals. In this case, what the question is asking you to do is to read Articles 1, 7, and 27, and figure out what the Human Rights Committee's job is. What can it do? What must it do? Where does it get its authority (if it says); are there limits on what role it can perform? Does it have enforcement authority? In other words, if it sees human rights violations, what can it do about them?

I hope this helps! I'd be happy to help you with editing after you have a rough draft. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Poetry / Contrast poem and pictures in the collage [10]

Greetings!

Yes, here's what I was picturing. You're standing, presumably, at the front of the classroom. You are holding your collage, but have some pictures, and/or cut-out words on a table or desk next to you where you can reach them. You start to read your poem:

The one who my heart
Took for my own
Is blissfully unaware
The earth... [you pick up a picture of the earth, or the word "Earth", and hand it to a nearby student/audience member]

and the skies [same thing with a photo of the sky]
However, know the truth
I can't tell him, I don't dare. [here's where, if you are feeling really brave, you walk up to a cute guy and say this line in front of him ;-))]

[then, you go back to the table and get the next picture]
We did meet each others eyes - [Hand someone else a picture of eyes...maybe two eyes, one at a time... ]
But modesty stood between us [turn your back on the class for a moment or two...]
I couldn't express in words [turn back around and pick up a handful of the cut-out words...]
The feeling of my heart,
And this excited rush [smile, and toss the words up in the air and let them flutter down...you can pick them up after they finish applauding ;-))]

That's how I'd do it, but then, I enjoy acting. If you're too shy for all that, modify it in a way that is comfortable for you. :-))

Have fun with it!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'my High School Mathematics teacher' Admission essay of mine [5]

Greetings!

I think you've written an outstanding essay! I have just a couple of editing pointers:

The Vietnamese industry is really [delete "in"] crying out for talented engineers with an innovative perspective. - If you mean Vietnamese industry in general, delete "The." If you mean a particular industry, put the name of it before "industry."

I feel certain the XYZ is one of the best technology universities in the world

Very good work! I wish you the best with your admission!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "Fiction or Fact-Men Suffering from A Girl's Problem" - research paper [2]

Greetings!

You've written a very interesting essay with lots of supporting information! I noted just a few things:

To discover the cause and effect that is [or "lies"] beneath weight teasing and male eating disorders, one possibility is the direct consequence-depression symptoms after being teased, which might lead to the attempt to diet in order to "avoid further weight-related stigmatization" (214). - This sentence is a little garbled-sounding. Consider simplifying it.

Contrary to female jockeys, male counterparts are not "naturally lighter and smaller," so they have to pay more effort to achieve their weight goals - Say either "put in more effort" or "pay more attention"; I've never heard of "paying more effort."

Once finished introducing what kinds of men will be more likely to develop into eating disorders, the next portion is about the roles of dentists and dental hygienists as the secondary prevention of male eating disorders. - This sentence seemed out of place here.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Poetry / Contrast poem and pictures in the collage [10]

Greetings!

That's a bit of a challenge for me, since I can't look at your pictures! For me, one great thing about collages is that they have no formal structure. You can put the pictures in any design you like, or no design; overlap them, or keep them apart; add words or not. That might be an idea...cutting out some of the words from your poem (by cutting words or letter from magazines, or just printing them in colorful fonts with your printer) and tossing them wherever you think they look good on the collage...or on a picture the word represents, like "moonlight" if you have a picture of the moon.

Another idea would be to have the words cut out, but don't put them on the collage...hand them to members of the class as you read the poem. You could pause slightly between lines when you're reading the poem and as you say, for instance, "the earth and the skies," hand each of those words to someone (with a smile ;-))

That's just an idea that popped in my head; if it makes you uncomfortable, don't do it, but it would be a chance to make your presentation more "participatory" for the audience.

Get your pictures and words together for your collage and play around with them before you start gluing them onto the poster board or whatever you are going to use as the background. Try different ways of doing it til it looks right to you, and remember: there's no "right" and "wrong" to this--it's your artistic vision!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Why a certain Tv show is popular- cause and effect essay. HELP... [2]

Greetings!

That's an interesting topic! You'll want to think about what types of things might make a show popular. Is it the stars? Is it funny? If so, why? Does it appeal to people because they see themselves in it? (For instance, comedies like "Everybody Loves Raymond"--many people identify with the family in it.) If it's a drama, is it exciting? Do you learn from it? Many factors go into making a show popular. A lot of good shows have had everything going for them except their time slot; going up against a really popular show can be death for a show without such a big following.

Try writing a rough draft and I'll be happy to help you with editing it.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Research Paper on Amy Tan's "The Hundred Secret Senses" [10]

Greetings!

I think you've done a great job! I have just a few more suggestions for you:

raised up by her Chinese parents. - delete "up"

Furthermore, as exclaimed by Women Writers of Colors - I think you mean "explained" rather than "exclaimed."

Although Tan's novel may strain the reader's credibility - It's credulity; if you say "credibility" you are saying that the reader is not to be trusted.

As evident, Tan's settings and symbols are influenced by the places that she lived or became familiar with and her experiences as a Chinese American. - The phrase should be "As is evident." but I think there's a better way to say it. Perhaps something like, "In this way, Tan's settings and symbols can be seen to be influenced by..."

Tan's novel is a great work of literature, as it portrays the contemporary period. Because her novel is a work of merit, it is studied in schools - Your ending could be stronger. Why would the fact that it portrays the contemporary period make it great literature? That doesn't follow. Also, bringing up schools for the first time in the last sentence sounds out of place. What about "Amy Tan's The Hundred Secret Senses is a great literary achievement inspired by the author's childhood which is relevant not only to those from a bicultural background, but anyone who has ever felt defined by family issues."

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Hackers aren't criminals but just regular people who are interested in computers. [4]

Here are a couple of things to remember when writing your thesis statement:

In formal writing, don't use contractions (like I just did ;-)) say "do not").

Remember that your thesis statement is essentially taking a position which the rest of your paper will then support. You might therefore want something a little more persuasive than "Americans are scared of hackers." Is your point that, if they understood hackers better, people would not feel afraid of them? Is the problem with the term "hacker"--perhaps because it is a broad term that includes people who would never commit a crime? Shouldn't people fear the type of hacker who would steal their identity or money out of bank accounts? If your point is that a "hacker" is not always a thief or virus creator, be sure your thesis includes the idea that the term is more all-inclusive than that.

The first sentence of your thesis statement is too vague to really contribute much. Compare that to the one I wrote, which is more specific. (You're free to use any part of mine you find helpful.) Also, when you start out with "what they know, what they do, and..." you must finish with "what they _______"; don't switch to a different type of phrase like "by the media."

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / "See the sky" essay [3]

Greetings!

But that's what sets your observations apart--the "indirectness" of them! :-)) (Am I taking you too literally? As I noted in another post, that's my inclination.)

I love the metaphor "this loving vault of nature." And I think many who write will relate to the idea of waiting for "some greater power" to germinate ideas. In Stephen King's book "On Writing" he says that he believes that the books he writes are out there, somewhere, already written, and all he is doing is "channeling" them into existence.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / an altogether different way of understanding how we make observations. [40]

:-)))
I've always been a bit more of a literalist than I wanted to be (in my writing), so I appreciate the opportunity to read somewhat more esoteric expressions of thought. I also think that, between the hustle and bustle of school, job, family and personal obligations, many students feel they only have time to "just get through" the assignment; actual "learning" or "thinking" can get lost. Your posts remind us to take the time to stop and think--about our world, about the interconnectedness of things, about...life.

Thank you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Research Paper on Amy Tan's "The Hundred Secret Senses" [10]

Greetings!

The internet is still new enough that we have yet to develop a really good method of citation that everyone can use in a consistent fashion. So, for now, that means doing it the way your teacher wants! ;-)

The paragraph concluding sentence would be a summary of what the paragraph was about, if I'm understanding your instructor correctly. So, for the paragraph that begins, "Tan's themes and motifs are influenced by her life experiences" you might conclude the paragraph with something like "Although this part of the story may strain the reader's credulity, the author's rich imagination stems from the difficulties of her own life experiences."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Term paper about the American National Red Cross [2]

Greetings!

You ask some very good questions! I'll give you the answers within the best of my knowledge, though it never hurts to check the MLA (or APA) manual.

1) If the Red Cross's website does not have any links to other useful information you'll want to use a database like JSTOR or Questia; on Questia, I found several books about the Red Cross, including Champions of Charity: War and the Rise of the Red Cross, by John F. Hutchinson.

2) The main purpose of an in-text citation is simply to point readers to the correct entry on the "Works Cited" page. If there is no author and you are citing an article withing the website, put the name of the article in quotation marks within your parenthetical citation; if there is no title, use the name of the website and where to find it on the site, e.g., (American Red Cross-Home page). In your Works Cited list, list the article title alphabetically, as you would do with the author's name; if there's no title, or to cite an entire website using MLA : Name of Site. Date of Posting/Revision. Name of institution/organization affiliated with the site (sometimes found in copyright statements). Date you accessed the site <electronic address>.

3), Yes, you're right. If you can specifically identify the section or page from which you are quoting, though, do so: ("Our History" par. 3). Any time you quote directly, you are supposed to give the page number, assuming there is one.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / "Then" as an adjective [4]

Greetings!

What an excellent question! Appearance wise...appearance-wise...appearancewise...among the three, I'd be inclined to go with the hyphenated version! You're right, though, that clockwise doesn't have one, nor otherwise...moneywise I'm less sure of. It's difficult to find answers to really specific questions like these, so all I can do is give you my best guess and tell you that if I were spelling it, I'd say "appearance-wise"--but if I had to justify it, all I could say is "it looks right that way!"

If I find out anything more on this topic, I'll let you know!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Global warming is the gradual increase in Earth's temperature [4]

Wow! Thanks for the info! :-))

Sarah

Poetry / Contrast poem and pictures in the collage [10]

Greetings!

I'll give you some ideas of the types of pictures I'd be looking for if I were doing it; you don't have to use these ideas, they are just suggestions. I'm not sure what the final version of your poem turned out to be, but let's say it's similar to this version:

The one who my heart - Any sort of romantic picture...boy and girl holding hands, kissing...anything that implies romance

Took for my own
Is blissfully unaware
The earth and the skies - this one's easy; a sunset and/or stars
However, know the truth
I can't tell him, I don't dare. - maybe a girl holding her finger up to her lips, as if to say, "Shh!"

We did meet each others eyes - A picture of eyes, or two people looking intently at each other
But modesty stood between us - a boy and girl standing apart, looking down, perhaps
I couldn't express in words
The feeling of my heart,
And this excited rush

The night seems to have blossomed - Flowers; a bouquet
In the company of the moon - A picture of the moon would obviously work
Every moment I must look for him
I've got to find him soon - Maybe footprints in the sand on a beach

Really, any romantic photos or drawings that speak to you would work. When you present it to the class, read the poem and describe why you chose those pictures. As for a title, how about "Moon Blossoms" or "Night Blossoms" or "Love's Secret" or...you get the idea--let your poem inspire you!

Have fun with it!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Edit my research paper on anabolic steroids [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you some editing advice.

Anabolic steroids, an amazing medical drug, was banned for unsupported reasoning's, creating criminal scenario's, misconceptions, and diminishing utility. - I believe "steroids" is plural, so say "were banned." Also, do not use an apostrophe to make something plural. It's "scenarios." Don't make "reasoning" plural.

inadvertently converted it to what is now known as testosterone.

(Schroeder)(Grunfeld) - When you are citing two different sources, use one parenthetical and put a semicolon between the references: (Schroeder; Grunfeld). Be sure to put your list of references in alpahbetical order, not the order in which you cited them.

Although beginning with an anecdote as you did in the first paragraph makes your paper interesting, your instructor may want you to put your thesis in the opening paragraph rather than the second one.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Hackers aren't criminals but just regular people who are interested in computers. [4]

Greetings!

It's true that a strong thesis is important. All you really need to do is take what you said in your post and make it a bit more formal. For example: "The image many people have of computer hackers as evil criminals out to destroy the world does not gibe with reality. The truth is that most hackers are just ordinary people with a real love of computers and perhaps a bit too much time on their hands."

The "who, what where, when and why" will probably become evident as you do your research. Begin by gathering as much information as you can on the subject. Use books, scholarly journals, magazine articles, even newspaper articles. Even if you are not allowed to cite magazines and newspapers and other nonscholarly sources (which will depend on your instructor), they can be invaluable for learning about your subject and get you pointed in the right direction.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Research Paper on Amy Tan's "The Hundred Secret Senses" [10]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help! You've written a good paper, but I'm wondering exactly what the assignment was. Was it just "write a research paper on the novel Amy Tan's The Hundred Secret Senses? If so, that doesn't give you a lot of direction, does it? Most research papers would have a few more sources; you reference Soitos a lot. When you do, if you mention Soitos' name in the sentence, do not also put it in the parenthetical citation; put the page number on which your quotation appears, or the page from which you drew your paraphrase.

I have a few editing pointers:

Olivia is about to be divorced from her husband Simon and finds dissatisfaction in her American life.

Soitos supplies several examples where Tan incorporates this style within her plot.

In the novel, many critics agree with Dictionary of Literary Biography when it states ... - I doubt that there are many critics in the novel. :-)) Leave out "In the novel"

The settings mostly set in the United States - Better would be "The novel is mostly set" or "Most scenes in the book are set in..."

The obvious reason that Tan sets part of [not "to"] the novel in China

These themes appeal to audiences outside the Chinese American community

Tan commendably acknowledges that America is a melting pot and its complexity - when you tie two points together with "and" you need to put them in the same form. For example, "...that American is a melting pot and that it is complex."

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Poetry / Hate poem - I need some words that end in ing describing this feeling [12]

Greetings!

I think your poem can be used creatively in any way you like. Your instructor has given you some suggestions. If you are not musically inclined, consider making it a visual presentation, perhaps making some pictures which illustrate the poem. If you cannot draw or paint, you could make a collage with images cut from magazines. They don't have to illustrate it literally; just express the feelings the poem evokes. The main thing is just to take your poem beyond the realm of simply being words and allow other art forms to add to it.

It has been said that we create our own reality. If you keep telling yourself that you're "really really stuck" then that is exactly what your reality will be. I really hope you will try saying to yourself instead, "I am a creative person; I can come up with some ideas to artistically interpret my poem!"

Even if you don't believe it at first, try it! I know that this type of positive reinforcement can work! And I also know that you are very creative--I can see it in your writing! Now, think positive thoughts and get to work! I want to know what you come up with! :-))

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Expository essay on my early years [4]

Greetings!

Well, individual instructors have their own takes on things. I suppose just consider this is an essay that gives the reader information--about you!

A couple of suggestions about your conclusion:

It truly would make someone want to go back in time and relive their childhood over again. I wish that life would move a little slower but as the end of high school beckons on, I realize that I should make the best of what I have now and that the past should stay in the past. It is better not to dwell in the past, but to live in the present and look toward the future. [just a suggestion]

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Global warming is the gradual increase in Earth's temperature [4]

Greetings!

You are, indeed, on a roll! An excellent essay; I have only a few editing tips:

The contributing factors that cause the greenhouse effect are carbon dioxide...

The 2003 European heat wave of 2003 - just say "2003" once. (Did it really kill that many people? That's incredible!)

while first world nations in which the diseases were eliminated could see them return.

The sea level rise is mainly connected to the polar ice caps, where the largest amount of ice is located. With these massive ice caps melting,

The number one contributor is water vapor, which is naturally occurring.

With 19.2% of carbon dioxide attributed to transportation fuels, 20.6% to industrial processes, and 29.5% to power stations, it is painfully obvious that something needs to be done in this area.

stopping the emission of greenhouse gases is an effort that requires all [delete of] nations to contribute.

No other planet known has borne life.

With the support of every nation and a continued stride toward the conservation of our planet, Earth, future generations will be able to enjoy what this planet has given us.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / autobiographical narrative account on "Who am I" [2]

Greetings!

I agree that writing about yourself can be tough, but I think you've done an admirable job! I'd be happy to help with some editing suggestions:

Many would say that I am an intelligent and quiet boy.

I guess they are mostly correct, although the question of "Who I am" is a difficult question to answer since I barely know myself. I just have not yet uncovered all of myself

Being from an Asian family, I have high expectations placed on me--expectations of making good grades in school and such.

The wisdom that spews from my parents mouths is impressive. - "Spews" is generally used in a derogatory manner; unless you are meaning to criticize your parents, you might want to choose another way to put it, such as "The wisdom that comes from my parents is impressive."

My parents shaped me into being an intelligent, obedient boy. They've done such a good job that if I even try to skip class or something, my conscience racks at me so that I can never do anything bad.

My younger years were filled with many friends and fun but now less so. My quietness and shyness developed probably because I like to observe and listen instead of voicing out. Needless to say that if I did need to talk about something then I would. I like short and quick sentences that get to the point. If there is something to talk about, then it can usually be summed up into one sentence. A good example of this is my best friend and I on the phone. We talk about new stuff here and there then there is silence since we already know much about each other and end up not saying anything for an extended period of time to find something to talk about. I seek out quiet and empty places since I love to read. I usually cannot read my books in front of others because I find other people so loud and disrupting.

My best friend said that I had such a grim view of the future. I guess I am a pessimist then, after seeing violence happen to innocent people and racist remarks going around. It is in human DNA to feel superior to other people, whether through comments or actions. It is okay, though, since the world needs pessimists to put optimists' views into well-grounded reality. The world cannot all be sunshine and flowers dancing. Both of my parents are also pessimists too so that may have something to do with my personality.

These are some of my personality quirks. Even though a few faults could be done away with, I would not change anything about myself.

If you want to add a bit to the ending, you could say, "Who am I? I am a person who is pretty happy with who I am."

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Expository essay on my early years [4]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay, but I'm not sure that it is an expository essay. An expository essay is designed to convey information and explain something so that it can be more easily understood. It is normally an informative "here is some important information" or a "how-to" type of essay written in the third person. Unless your instructor told you to make it about yourself, you might have a problem with classifying this as an expository essay.

Can you post the assignment instructions? (if you received written ones, or made notes of what s/he said).

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Poetry / Hate poem - I need some words that end in ing describing this feeling [12]

Greetings!

Well, it makes sense, but it doesn't rhyme. If it needs to, consider saying something like "this madness is tearing me apart" to rhyme with "heart."

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / persuasive essay on why the 21st century is the best [4]

Greetings!

Yes, those passages are much easier to understand now! I just want to make a couple of editing suggestions:

Sony, [add comma] in collaboration with Stanford, [add comma]

Such through the use of environmentally friendly and energy efficient products. - This is a sentence fragment. Instead of "Such" start with something like "They accomplish this through the use of..."

Although it does have some persuasive essay qualities, I think you could strengthen that aspect of it. Words like "could" and "may" tend to make you sound tentative about what you are saying. Also, think about what it is you are trying to persuade someone to do; that could perhaps be a little clearer. It's more of a news report than a persuasive essay, it seems to me. What is your goal? Think about that.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / How to write essay to describe myself? [22]

Greetings!

Yes! I can tell you some things you should consider including in your essay; then, you can write the essay and I will help you with editing.

It might be easiest for you to first make a list of things that are important in your life, and why (family; school; playing a musical instrument, or creating artistic works; learning about science--whatever things you enjoy). Once you have your list it will be easier to do the actual writing. Also think about what words describe the qualities you posses, and don't be shy! If you are intelligent, say so! Outgoing, introverted, funny, serious, whatever applies to you, include that.

If you'll let yourself start with just a list, then turn it into a rough outline, and then do the actual writing, you'll be less inclined to be sitting there staring at a blank screen wondering what to say. Sometimes it's easier to sit down with pen and paper to start.

Give this a try and I bet you'll find you know plenty about yourself!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Compare/Contrast: Siddhartha, Experience and Education and Pedagogy [4]

Greetings!

You've written a very good essay! Here are my editing suggestions:

My educational journey has been [delete "a"] complex yet fulfilling. As a child my educational experience was a traditional one. Growing up in the West Indies, which was ruled under the British educational system, I found the standards were high and the discipline harsh. In preschool and kindergarten, the rules were to speak only when you are spoken to and answer when you are called.

Our attitude [no "s"] had to be one of docility, receptiveness and obedience. Our teachers were authoritarians and we were taught never to question their [not "there"] authority. They were treated with the outmost respect and their roles were to make sure that we became moral and productive citizens.

a disappointment to your family and society as [not "on"] a whole.

By the time I was [delete "in"] ten years of age and in the fifth grade I was preparing for the Common Entrance Examination that all students are required to pass to enter into High School.

...though [no "t"] there [not "they"] were limits set on the content of dialogue allowed in the classroom.

There was no deviation from the curriculum; it was followed right down to the last detail.

The freedom was so much that there [not "their"] seemed to be no boundaries set between teacher and students and there were times when I was unsure of who [delete "m"] the authority was.

My experience in college however, proved to be somewhat different. The academic standards were strictly adhered to and the morality issue was held in [not "with"] high regard [no "s"].

You've certainly experienced the gamut in educational styles! Very interesting essay!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / persuasive essay on why the 21st century is the best [4]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help you edit your fine essay! Here are my suggestions:

The 21st century began on January 1, 2001 and will last until December 31, 2100. There are [not is] still 93 more years till the beginning of the 22nd century.

A new century beckons in new ideas and innovation--things that were only dreamt about centuries ago.

Space exploration is one that made major strides in the beginning of this century. - ...one what? How about "one field..."?

This made the first step towards civilians and tourism in space. In 2003, the Chinese space program launched its first manned flight.

In 2004, Opportunity, a (or the) Mars rover, discovered evidence that Mars was once covered by water. This is another step in understanding Mars and could lead to Mars colonization in the future. In 2006, New Horizons began its 10 year journey toward Pluto. - You should mention what "New Horizons" is...some of us have never heard of it.

Alternative energy sources such as solar power, biodiesel, and electricity are being given further research. With each step, we are learning more about these energy sources and how their implementation can reduce pollution. The Bright Green environmentalism emerged in the past years, aiming to use new technology to increase ecological sustainability. - Again, I feel as if you are referring to something I know nothing about; a few more details would be great!

Simple user interface and quick iTunes transactions may have reduced piracy slightly.

Gamers [delete alike] will be able to interact with others and instantly take [no "s"] friends into games for multiplayer. - I don't know much about this, but I'm pretty sure multiplayer should be used as an adjective, not a noun. Can you say "take friends into their multiplayer games"?

Folding@home is a project designed for protein folding and other simulations to seek an understanding of [not to] many diseases. - The phrase "made its way to the Playstation 3" does not belong here, grammatically speaking. I can't really re-write it for you, since I don't understand quite how it works in relation to folding@home.

With this many advancements and achievements in the first seven years of the 21st century, who knows what will await [no "s"] us in the remaining years. With the constant strides we are making towards understanding things around us, humankind may have robot butlers and a colony on Mars by the end of this century.

Very interesting!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com