Graduate / MBA - Career Progess and Goal Essay [9]

The essay seems longer than it is, too, because all of sentences tend to be of the same length and structure. You also use either weak verbs ("was" crops up a lot) or abstract ones (such as "inculcate") which also makes the essay a longer read than it has to be. Fix these stylistic problems as you cut, and you will end up with a much more interesting essay.

Undergraduate / The Most Influential Person in my Life essay (my husband) [6]

Fred sounds like a great guy. Now, what say you talk a bit more about how he influenced you. His willingness to take on extra work to allow you to focus on your studies is right on topic, in this respect. As for his being optimistic and altruistic, and volunteering at senior center, how has any of this affected you, personally? Are you now more optimistic as a result? Have you volunteered at places yourself after seeing Fred's inspiring example? Do you now make a point of holding open doors for other people? You have done a very good job of showing us who Fred is; now you need to let us see who you are, and how the one has influenced the other, as that is the topic you are supposed to be writing on.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: What I learned playing piano at a nursing home. [5]

You might want to focus more generally on the "its impact on you" part of your essay. At the moment, I can picture the nursing home really well, and see the benefit your music had for the residents (which is good), but I can't really see what you learned from the experience or how it changed you, or how the experience has anything to do with your plans to attend university (which is not so good).

Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]

I think you are getting to the point where you have a finished product. You can keep revising of course (you can always keep revising) but you are making increasingly minor changes now.

Student Talk / Took the IELTS Today and didn't go as I expected :( [35]

Start a new thread with your questions or with a draft of your work. The FAQ forum should contain descriptions of how to do that.

Book Reports / Key to get re-submitted! Anicent World History Paper [31]

First, take yourself out of it, even when expressing your own opinions. Then cut out all unnecessary words, phrases, and sentences, while simultaneously strengthening your verbs. For instance:

"Approximately 300 pages awaits me with solid difficulty understanding, with so little time. There are pros and cons for everything of course the book has its flaws like any other book. Its pros wereThe book employs simple , clear, writing ongoing reading, photographicalsupplemented by many beautiful pictures that incorporate every aspect of ancient Greece in a compact structure, which I truly liked. Unfortunately, the book is littered with The cons of this book is its literarily elements was unnecessary profanity which is ok with me, but in this case it was not needed but if Cahill's implemented it to have a connection with those with no concept of ancient Greeks, I don't blame him. "

At the moment, you have piled up words in a trash heap that readers are unlikely to want to sift through in order to extract meaningful phrases from the verbal refuse that clings to them.

Writing Feedback / CBEST-writing: an unforgettable person; 'my grandfather always wore his black glass' [5]

"In our life, we may encounter different kinds of people and some of them have a positive or a negative way to impact our life. An unforgettable person who impacted me the most and in a positive way was my grandfather. "

There. That goes a long way towards improving the introduction.

"My grandfather spent so much time taking care of my brother and me."


Perhaps you could expand on this, and turn your essay into a narrative one that shows some of your grandfather's most influential qualities.

Research Papers / Comparing pre and post Gold Rushes of the 1850s in Australia. [14]

Have you tried searching for "Gold Rushes of the 1850s in Australia" in Google Books and Google Scholar?

Undergraduate / Suggestions for personal statement for Top university (Chinese in Canada) [11]

"In the summer, you may have seen an energetic young man riding a bike, asking the city workers for direction, but finally losing himself in the noisy jungle of buildings." Hmmmm . . . upon reading this, I had thought that you were going to talk about an experience in the city where the university you were applying to was located. This may be why the second person is used so infrequently in essays.

Undergraduate / "My Name" - Common Application short answer essay [8]

I assume you intend this essay to be about your experience with the Model UN Conference. So, write about that. At the moment, you say it taught you to write better speeches and to enjoy debating. Is that all you got out of the experience? If not, add more details about precisely what you learned. If so, can you show us how the experience affected you like this, instead of just telling us?

Writing Feedback / "Separate classrooms for male and female students" - practice ACT Essay [4]

And given how far ahead of boys girls tend to be academically, as reflected in university admission rates, many argue that same-sex classes could provide a friendlier learning environment for boys. Not so much because girls are thought to distract them, as that boys are believed to require a very different learning environment from girls. So, both genders think they have something to gain from this.

Undergraduate / Discipline, resolution, perfection. - Common App 150 word essay [9]

Well, when you come back to it closer to the deadlines, feel free to post your revised version here.

Book Reports / Argumentative essay on 1984 - Outline [40]

First, in fairness, to help out yonman: Your current thesis isn't very debatable. I'd suggest focusing on another aspect of the novel. For instance, you could argue that "1984's portrayal of society is unrealistic, as it would be impossible for a government to achieve the level of control the government supposedly possesses on that sort of scale." Then, of course, you would need to think of arguments in favor of this thesis. Or, you could argue that "1984 highlights a very real problem with our current government -- that it is run by people who tend to value power for its own sake, leading to corruption and a tendency to totalitarianism." This again would require you to come up with a series of arguments in favor of your position. Both theses are debatable, and so suitable for an argumentative essay.

Now, for Gautama:


I really don't. At least, I don't believe it is intrinsically good, regardless of context. I'd define good as pursuing your own rational self-interest, purely and without guilt. This might, of course, mean helping some people in some circumstances.


What's that logical fallacy involving an appeal to popularity, again? If the majority of people believe it, it must be true! Also, I say it depends on how you phrase the question, and on whether you base the answers on what people say or on what they actually do.

By the way, when you say helping others is good, do you mean the following:

1. That if a neo-Nazi group wants help running a local Muslim family out of town, I should take the lead in terrorizing the family?

2. That I should give as much food aid as I can to a starving village in Africa, knowing that my aid will allow the people there to live and reproduce, growing the population exponentially until 10 times as many people die as would have if I had refused to help them originally when my own ability to help them gives out?

3. That I should hide a dangerous criminal from the law if he asks for my help in evading capture?

All of these would be examples of helping others, if you mean we should do so always and without qualification. Or perhaps you would like to agree with me that context is important?


Hmmm . . . this is loaded with qualifiers to your previous statement. "Help" here is assumed to mean the giving of material resources, and intelligently and efficiently at that. Perchance if everyone were smart enough to be able to decide how to help others intelligently and efficiently on their own, then there would be no for them to exercise their powers?

Also, better for whom? And in what way? It would be better for those who were unable or unwilling to fend for themselves, I suppose. How would it be better for the rest of us?

Besides, why should need entitle anyone to anything? If I need your money, why should I expect you to give it to me, when I haven't done anything to earn it? On what basis would I even begin to justify such a claim?


Yes, "would have to." Hence my point about it being slavery. This also means you need a central authority to enforce this, which makes your distinction between socialism and communism moot.

Also, "If you have the ability to produce x amount, you have to produce x amount." X amount of what? This was a great problem for communism. Without the supply and demand pressures of an open market, the government had to decide what was produced. It inevitably ended up producing too much of some things, and too little of others (including on some occasions things such as food). If you had no central authority at all, this problem would be even worse. I suppose that, if you did have a central authority, it could force people who had the ability to work on those tasks it deemed necessary, even if they didn't want to work on those tasks, or had other abilities in other areas that interested them more -- which brings us back to the slavery thing.


I don't make the same distinction between them. A communist state, to be a state, must necessarily have someone enforce the rules. Any society must have police force, howsoever free it may be. If you are arguing that communism, as a social and economic theory of how humans should live, is utterly unrealistic and unsuited to human nature, then it is a very poor theory, and does not deserve either praise or defense.


Well, yes, but that nature makes us unequal is not the fault of capitalism, nor, to the best of knowledge, does communism strive to make everyone of equal ability (an impossible task), only to give them equal amounts of wealth. The notion of an equal playing field is that only natural inequalities matter -- that is, merit wins out over anything else. Come to think of it, maybe communism does try to reduce everyone to the same level of ability, at that -- death is the great equalizer, after all, and communism always seems to create so many corpses. But I can't believe this is what you are defending.


Again, not making the same distinction you are, so this becomes a matter of semantics. Essentially, you are arguing that you would agree with me if I used the term socialism rather than communism in my arguments. But, since you admit that communism cannot work without a central government because of human nature, it can only come about through socialism, so it really amounts to the same thing.


Here we go. The problem isn't with human nature. The problem is with the theory. If a mathematical theory breaks the rules of mathematical logic it is meant to conform to, the problem isn't with the rules of mathematical logic, but with the theory. If a theory about how humans should live doesn't work because of the way human beings are, then the problem isn't with human beings, but with the theory. Besides, as I said at the opening, I don't agree that altruism is particularly noble as a philosophy to begin with, and so would not be inclined to view a lack of altruism as a problem with human nature anyway.

Book Reports / The Fountainhead (Written for an Essay Contest) [8]


Its true, these forums tend to be conducted mostly anonymously. We might know names (though these could easily be fake) and a couple of personal details might leak out here and there, but by and large, these forums constitute an interesting virtual world, one in which only ideas really matter.


I have noticed before that I tend to associate names with the characteristics of people I have known who have those names. So, for instance, I expect any Paul I meet to be open and easy-going, because that is how most of the Pauls I have met have been in the past. Of course, this is ridiculous, as is assuming that Seans will tend to be young, but I suspect a tendency to perform inductive reasoning is an innate part of human nature.


And probably will do, for the rest of your life. I don't think anyone ever really finishes fleshing out their political philosophy, or any other type of personal philosophy either, for that matter. We are constantly having new experiences that give us reasons to modify our beliefs. I've always liked John Locke's notion that "Every step the mind takes in its progress towards Knowledge makes some discovery, which is not only new, but the best too, for the time at least."


Have you read about the history of her books? They still aren't studied seriously in most of academia, either as philosophical or as literary texts, and they rarely garnered positive reviews from formal critics, with one or two notable exceptions. Yet, her works became very popular, mostly through word of mouth, and continue to be bestsellers, with Atlas Shrugged alone selling anywhere between 150,000-200,000 copies annually. Not bad for a book that was written over 50 years ago. I suspect that puts it ahead of most of the "classics" from that time period, especially if you don't count the sales of those books that arise entirely from students buying them because they have to study them. Her works in that sense form their own proof of the philosophy they discuss.


Then you need to find better peers. Simply moving from high school to university will help immensely in that respect, as you immediately have the below 70 crowd weeded out for you. Unfortunately, intelligent doesn't always translate into intellectual, so you'll still have to seek out like-minded people, but at least you'll be working with a more promising group of people. Also, university, being voluntary, is a much better social environment than school, which, being compulsory, has much of the prison about it.

Book Reports / Argumentative essay on 1984 - Outline [40]


Why should a collectivist mindset be defined as good? For that matter, why should giving to others, periodically or consistently, be defined as good, regardless of context? I don't accept your premises.


No, communism isn't about creating an even playing field at all. An even playing field society would be a capitalist one in which all children had the exact same access to educational opportunities and inheritance was outlawed. Then, people could play based only on their own ability and effort. Communism is more about refusing to allow there to be a game and distributing wealth equally without regard to ability and effort at all, which naturally rewards those those who put out as little effort as possible.

The problem with communism lies in its central tenet: "from each according to his ability, to each according to his need." People with ability are to be made to contribute to serve the needs of others. This is just slavery, pure and simple. And as I said before, where some men must be slaves to others, freedom cannot flourish, and where all men are supposed to be slaves to others, totalitarianism is the natural form of government that will inevitably emerge. Worse, communism involves not the enslavement of the weak by the strong, which, if we cannot condone, we can at least understand, but the enslavement of the strong (those with ability) by the weak (those with needs). This explains why every communist government in existence, to the extent that it has remained communist, has collapsed inward on itself, and why the satellite images of South Korea at night are pictures of light, and the ones of North Korea are pictures of darkness.

Book Reports / Argumentative essay on 1984 - Outline [40]


No. The book doesn't really detail how Oceania came to be a totalitarian state, as far as I can recollect (but it has been a while since I read it, so I could be wrong). In any event, it certainly isn't the focus of the novel. I'd avoid any reference to communism, and focus on Orwell's broader critique of collective totalitarianism, regardless of how it arises.

Writing Feedback / Advertisements affects on consumer goods - ielts preparing [15]


Ah. I hadn't thought of that. Yes, in some legal documents "several" can be used to mean separate without implying many, but as you aren't writing a legal document, I stand by my advice.

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]

The last two are elements of style that you can fix fairly easily by good proofreading. The first one is more content related, though, and is closer to what I was talking about.

Book Reports / The Fountainhead (Written for an Essay Contest) [8]

Alas, I graduated a fair while back, now, and so cannot enter. I seem to remember taking a shot at the Anthem one, back when I was still eligible for it, though.


Personally, I subscribe to what I think of as enlightened libertarianism. It is possible to embrace libertarianism's core principles, and still support some social programs. The government's main purpose, libertarians agree, is to defend the country from outside military threats, and to uphold individual rights within the state, by, among other things, upholding law and order. Now, I see no reason why the latter goal can only be pursued through policing. The level of education in society has been shown to be inversely proportional to the level of crime in society. That is, the better educated the populace on average, the lower the violent crime rates. Given that, it seems to me a system of education might be a cheaper and more effective way of keeping crime rates down than simply funding more police officers and building more prisons, especially as the former prevents crime, whereas the latter can only ever punish it. Moreover, surely an educated populace is as vital to the preservation of a democratic state as a well-armed one. Finally, an educated populace tends to earn more, and so generate more tax revenue at lower tax rates, than an uneducated one, so that a public system of education at least partially pays for itself. I see no contradiction, then, between being a libertarian (in the sense of holding core libertarian, or even objectivist, beliefs) and supporting public education.

Similar arguments can be made for many other social services many libertarians would reflexively oppose. The key is to support them for the right reasons. One does not support them because one believes that everyone has a right to material equality, or because one believes one has a duty to the less fortunate, but because one recognizes that having a social safety net of a certain size and scope is likely a more cost-effective and humane way of upholding the government's core purposes than not having one. This also provides, at least in theory, a way to limit the size of any given program through an attempt at cost-benefit analysis, something that a program meant to blindly provide "universal" coverage of some social good simply because one thinks everyone deserves such coverage must inevitably lack.


Well, as a philosopher, Rand was very good. It is difficult to argue against her description of how we gain knowledge, or of her defense of capitalism or our natural right to liberty. As a psychologist, though -- well, I don't know that her conception of romance, or even regular friendship, would resonate with very many people. Furthermore, most people would recognize that a certain amount of social skill is in and of itself a valuable asset, and that attempts to put others at ease and to build common interests with them is not dishonest soul-selling so much as a concession to the deeply social part of our nature.

Book Reports / Book recommendation for Novel Analysis Thesis [13]

Still, I'll give it a shot :-)

Altas Shrugged and Grapes of Wrath as flip sides of the Marxist coin.

There. Two books you can compare and contrast quite easily, focusing on a single theme. And I imagine not too many people have looked at those two books in the same light before.

Undergraduate / 'in disbelief and shock after our win' - University of Florida essay [24]

Only you can decide when you are done. Are you happy with the essay as it now is? If so, hand it in. If not, decide what you don't like about it and ask specifically how you can fix those things.

Writing Feedback / Advertisements affects on consumer goods - ielts preparing [15]


No. Use "two" or "a couple." Several implies at least three, probably more. Several can imply separate, but it always has the "many" meaning too:

On several occasions, he visited the local library.

Undergraduate / UCF Admissions essay - family history environment / culture - suggestions / proofread? [21]

Well, the prompt asks you


The sentence I quoted lists those qualities, but doesn't talk about how they will allow you to contribute to the UCF community. So, answer that question. I have no idea how you plan to contribute to UCF, or how the qualities you have picked will help you. You have to come up with that on your own.

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]


Well, this part is nonsensical. Also, in an essay on jealousy, I see no working definition of the term in the intro, never a good sign. Worse, your thesis comes perilously close to plot summary, having something to do with the idea that Iago causes trouble because he is jealous of Othello, which is true, but hardly something that needs a lot of elaboration.

And sure enough, the rest of the essay consists mostly of plot summary, rather than analysis. Here's an example of what you did, followed by an example of what you should have done:


You are essentially summarizing the plot. You have a quotation, but you don't really explain it or tie it back to your point. Your very first line after the quotation is the most promising, but you don't go anywhere with it.

Here is what you might have done if you were writing on Iago's motivation:

Iago reveals near the beginning of the play that jealousy is one of his prime motivations, and that he "hate the Moor / And it is thought abroad that 'twixt my sheets / He's done my office" (I, III 430-434). The most interesting thing here is his use of the conjunction "and," rather than 'as' or 'because.' Iago is a creature of jealousy, willing to think the worst of the Moor, but this is not why he resolves to destroy Othello. Rather, his sexual jealousy is something he harbors in addition to his hatred, which seems to have existed beforehand, fully formed for other reasons.

Or, if you were writing on the nature of jealousy:

Iago claims that he has heard rumors that Othello has cuckolded him, but he also acknowledges that these are probably baseless: "I know not if't be true, / But I, for mere suspicion in that kind, / Will do as if for surety" Jealousy then requires no proof, nor indeed presumably any actual offense at all. It needs only "mere suspicion," to fuel it. Worse, jealousy seems here almost to be an addiction, one that is fed for its own sake, so that even when no cause is present, suspicion "will do," as if the jealous person actively seeks an excuse to be jealous.

Both of these are very much first-draft, top-of-my-head things, but they give you the general idea. Note that the only plot summary here is in the lead-in to the quotation. Everything after is a reflection on the quotation given, deconstructing it by looking at key words and phrases to find out what it says about the given topic.

Writing Feedback / Letter to a Manager; You were delivered with different items to what you ordered! [9]

Keep practicing. There weren't that many errors, and you will get better the more you write.

Book Reports / Key to get re-submitted! Anicent World History Paper [31]

Yes, that was a no.

Undergraduate / "Significant Experience" essay - need advice on the content of this essay [22]

We don't usually delete threads unless they violate our Terms of Service. In fact, our TOS specifically states that we will not do so. Sorry.

Undergraduate / "Want to be a doctor" - Penn State, personal statement [26]

This version is 1187 characters according to my word processor. It also has a few more minor grammatical fixes in it:

Undergraduate / "Fleeting memories" - Are there any significant experiences you have had.... [16]

I'd try taking another shot at this, making sure to focus on one or more particularly striking experience or accomplishment that you think demonstrates something good about.

Of course you can post it here. That's what the site is for.

You're not asking too much at all. That's what the site is for.

Good luck with your new draft.

Writing Feedback / Advertisements affects on consumer goods - ielts preparing [15]

You did touch on it, but you could have gone in to more detail. For instance, if people need goods, why bother to advertise them? Is it just brand name recognition? Then why all the ads that try to associate products with unrealistic images and effects? But if we don't need products, why would ads make them more desirable, especially when we know that the claims they make are either exaggerations or outright lies? And if ads influence us regardless, is that a bad thing, if it is creating artificial wants, or elevating minor wants to the psychological status of needs?

Undergraduate / "Fleeting memories" - Are there any significant experiences you have had.... [16]

This is very original and well-written, and with some polishing could be an excellent piece for some other purpose. However, it is essentially a refusal to answer the prompt, and so not likely to go down well with the admissions officers.

Book Reports / Argumentative essay on 1984 - Outline [40]


So, every country that has ever tried communism has slid into totalitarianism, but this isn't because of anything inherent in communism? It just happens to have always been implemented by evil leaders? How many times does it have to fail before you begin to wonder if the system itself is flawed?

Communism fails because it is based on false premises. First, it assumes that all labor is physical labor. Marx never believed in the power of intellectual labor, which was odd for an intellectual. But of course intellectual labor, the ability to plan and organize, is very valuable, in large part because it is much rarer than the ability to do physical labor, which virtually any able bodied person can become good at through simple repetition. And the idea that different types of labor have different values seems to have largely eluded him, too. Second, it assumes that all people are equally deserving of material wealth, regardless of innate talents, attitude, effort, etc. No one in the world really believes that, and it is probably genetically hardwired in us to want to punish freeriders. Third -- and this is where communism goes from flawed to evil, in my book at least -- it assumes that every man should be the slave of every other. No leader, however noble, could implement such a system without it leading to totalitarianism. In the end, those with power must end up the complete masters of all, for few people will willing agree to be slaves if they can be masters instead, and no one will ever consent to be the slave of lesser people than themselves.

As for the distinction between Marxism and communism, it is fine enough to be a matter of semantics. The only difference is that Marxism remains respectable in many circles, whereas communism has been so widely discredited that no one who wants to be taken seriously will admit to believing in it.

Thank you for making my point, though. No reasonable person would have written here that fascism was flawed in practice, but could have worked well if it had been implemented by noble leaders. Yet people have no trouble saying that about communism, a movement responsible for an order of magnitude more deaths.

Undergraduate / "Want to be a doctor" - Penn State, personal statement [26]

Wow! Now that's a much stronger, more moving essay than your first one. I can see how it might have been difficult for you to write, but you can be glad you did, as it just so much more powerful.

Now, for that pesky grammar.

Speeches / How to start Self Introduction in front of several people? [4]

Never given it much thought, really. For formal introductions, I'd probably use the "My name is" construction, personally, but neither is likely to produce a particularly negative reaction from your audience.

Book Reports / I'm supposed to argue whether "Stone Angel" is a tragedy or not? [7]

Don't forget to post your latest draft so we can offer you more feedback.

Book Reports / Courage exists in several forms ;To Kill a Mockingbird - Various types of courage [5]

Really? Where do you go to school? Where I am, both ellipsis and square brackets are fairly standard methods of editing quotations to get them to fit into your work smoothly.

Writing Feedback / Least Favorite Place Essay [8]

Please post new essays in new threads. Thanks.

As for this essay, why are you writing it? For practice? For class? If the latter, what are the instructions?

In any event, you need to add a lot more for this essay to be effective. If it is a dull town, describe the dullness. If the people are unfriendly, describe them acting that way. And so on.

Undergraduate / Need Help with application essay about my personal characteristics [11]


Ooh. That sounds like fun. Of course, you'd have to exclude things you touch and use regularly because pretty much everyone does -- things like the clothes you wear, for instance. Though, if one had a ring of great significance, or some such, I suppose even that could become useful.

Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]


Actually, "surreal" and "unreal" are synonyms, unless you are using "surreal" in a specifically artistic sense. This isn't even a matter of language changing over time -- to the best of my knowledge, the word has long meant "dreamlike," "unbelievable," "unreal."

Writing Feedback / Credit cards's advantages [8]

As long as you don't mind paying a bit extra for every single thing that you purchase.