Student Talk / Are scholarships for essays offered by all colleges? [6]

Yeah, you have to ask for a list of the scholarships that the school offers, and then try for some that you think you can win. All schools are different.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay (Athletes Serving the Community) [6]

This is something that gives you an excuse to call the admissions office, and tell your name, make a good impression, and ask your intelligent question. Ask about the preferred format and spacing for the essay. Generally, though, double spaced essays are the norm. Double space, times new roman, and one inch margins all around.

Undergraduate / Summer act. char limit prob [6]

2008:
Elementary school: A ball will bounce when it hits the ground. Will light?
Now, I wanted to know. I unearthed books and Internet portals, but it wasn't enough. Feynman's spirit embodied me and guided me to Stanford.

I frequented her "tea-times" (her term for "debates"), and she introduced me to the colossal book shelves at the library. I studied from them; I studied until I could assemble the field of physics from the ground up and disassemble it again. Pencil, paper and baggy eyes became a daily familiar; sleeping on books wasn't uncommon either.

Summer inevitably passed, and I held a research paper that would have satisfied my elementary curiosity. However if I have learned anything this summer, it was that my thirst for knowledge will never be completely satisfied. ...and now your strong last sentence should be one that refers directly to the opportunities and resources available at the school to which you are applying. Connect your passion for science with this institution, and its PARTICULAR strengths for helping you achieve your goal.

This is an impressive essay, for sure!

Undergraduate / Which version should I use? (major is for biology) [2]

Wow, your first few paragraphs are great! Now, be sure to italicize the titles:

My passion for astronomy fully developed when I decided one day that I wanted to learn why the universe is what it is. I spent most of my summers reading books such as A Universe in a Nutshell ...

...on the History Channel called The Universe.

I CAN'T FIND ANY MISTAKES TO CORRECT!

The first one is much better, but all your writing is GREAT! Please check out the contributor page (link at the bottom of the screen)

Undergraduate / NYU talent show song short answer [5]

I would choose to sing "Helpless" by Neil Young. I choose this song because of the message Young is sending through the lyrics and tone. He describes that it's a difficult thing to grow up in a place you despise all your life, but after you get out into the world you discover that place was your home all along. Young paints a picture in his listeners' minds through the nature-inspired lyrical imagery about "a town in north Ontario."

Great last sentence. Do you have more room to elaborate before you reach the word limit? This seems short.

Undergraduate / U of Illinois #1 (My fascination with the business world) [2]

I shadowed my father everyday, eying his every move and noting his every action. Having watched my dad run his company, I believe I have picked up good entrepreneurial skills. As I observed him at the forefront of every activity, I imagined having a similar future where I would stand as the brains behind every operation in my own company.

It is at the University of Illinois that I will transform into an extraordinary leader. The world-renowned faculty will help me sharpen my skills in analytical problem solving and quantitative decision making. I also plan to be involved in the Academy for Entrepreneurial Leadership which will allow me to put theoretical knowledge into practice through workshops and public discussions. Through a fleet of erudite experiences, I hope to emerge as a confident entrepreneur, adequately prepared to lead my own company to great heights.

That last sentence is great!

God luck!!

:)

Undergraduate / "orchestra class" - UVA Supplemental Essay [5]

There I was, sitting in orchestra class and playing one of the most beautiful instruments know to man and all I could think was "why is this happening to me?" I couldn't fathom why some would write a piece as popular as Canon in D and completely disregard the depth and resonance that the sound of the cello carries. My teacher tried to console me, tried to reassure me that my part was as important as any other and that one mistake from me and the whole piece would be ruined,but I couldn't hear him. All I could hear was the beautiful melodies that the violons and violas were playing dancing though the air and seemingly mocking me and my eight continuous quarter notes...

Yes, off to a good start! Watch the spelling.

Undergraduate / 'The scoreboard, basketball' - Villanova's Separate Essay [3]

As my opponent missed her shot, I jumped up for the rebound and, with ball in hand, I sprinted down the court as if I was being chased in a hectic game of tag.

I knew what was coming and I made a mental promise to myself that I would never make decisions for my future children, like what my father had done to me.

"Please! You know how much basketball means to me, and I promise to study more for my standardized tests."

Basketball has taught me many lessons which have influenced my beliefs today.

This absolutely does answer the question about a lesson to share! However, you left me wondering two things: why did your dad want you to stop playing basketball, and did your lay up at the end of the game score the winning points??? Let the reader know the answers to those two questions. :)

Undergraduate / a para from Cornell engineering essay vague? unclear? [4]

I have learned about the cell vesicles, and I wish to manipulate them to aid in drug delivery. I have learned about stroke, and I wish to apply my knowledge to cure the associated diseases . Recently, I have fostered a new idea: I wish find a technique that poses less risk than the laser eye surgeries to correct myopic vision.

I want to add that I think the particle accelerator metaphor is great. Who knows whether the admissions person will think my way or Sean's way... but to me, it seems like a clever, eloquent way to present yourself!

Undergraduate / northwestern statement- quench thirst! [3]

My dream career is straightforward: I want to earn my Ph.D. in psychology and become a social psychologist.

Social psychology has been a passion of mine for as long as I can remember. It all started with the question of "why?"

The unique organizations at Northwestern will allow me to keep a balance of education and enable me to participate in community service while finding others who share the same interests ...

This is all very good, and at the end you do a good job of reaffirming the main idea...

Grammar, Usage / I need some quick help on a tense question (i.e. past vs. present) [5]

It is o.k. to change tenses within the sentence in that example.

:)

Undergraduate / Cornell CAS Essay (intellectual interests). Does it make sense? [3]

I clearly remember the "Recombinant DNA" section of the "Genetics" Unit of my sophomore year of high school biology, especially the questions it left lingering in my mind.

My interest in finding answers for my queries had all but faded, and after completing this past summer researching the brine shrimp genome at the Waksman Institute of Microbiology of Rutgers University, my passion for genetic research has grown so much more.

I hope that by attending Cornell University, I can work with teachers and students who share the same vigor for scientific discovery as I do , and succeed in finding the answers to questions which have remained unanswered for too long.

Good essay.

:)

Undergraduate / Need some reviews on short essay from Stanford University. [4]

As I grew older, I learned the amazing nature of the human mind, and came up with an idea to build a commercial as well as a database website which will make use of the Google Maps database in order to generate maps and directions of the locations in the densely populated city of New Delhi. I think this sentence could be made into two or three sentences for clarity.

The idea was not only to efficiently utilize the summer break by creating a travel guide but to assist the tourists in making fine choices in their consumption of the resources.

The task was so contemplative and intellectually engaging that I started planning for the finances required for the website.

Although I knew that the task was challenging & there may be several obstacles in my way to success, I continued to put significant amounts of effort towards its development.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / MIT essay (my family will never fail to celebrate together) [3]


I don't know how I feel about that part, above. It has been quite some time since [what] became dormant. You had better specify.

Family reunions during festivals are important to people in my country regardless of any race. My family is no exception. During Chinese New Year and other important festivals, my family will never fails to celebrate together.

Great! This shows your interesting backgroung and perspective.

Undergraduate / Vassar "What aspects do you find appealing" [6]

Wow, great first sentence:

I want to walk into Main Building, see the inside of this modern and historic landmark, and discover how this building has witnessed the start and perfection of Vassar education.

You are cool! :

I want to sit in Thompson Library and read for a quiet afternoon, while the sunshine leaks in through the Cornaro Window, illuminating the hall and the mind.

I want to walk in Skinner Hall of Music and bring the traditional music from my hometown in there. I want to drink a fresh smoothie from The Atrium and stay happy for a whole day. I want to live in Noyes House and one day experience the different living style in South Commons. I want to take a stroll in Shakespeare Garden and breathe the fragrance of the plants. Oh! And I want to lie on the lawn along the Sunset Lake and read some favorite novels there in the afternoon...

Wow, finally a break from your perfection:

For one simple virtual tour, I feel that I have belonged to this place.

All this below is good:

The stunning scenery at Vassar is absolutely one of the many important factors that have been driving me to apply. Spending four years at this place would certainly be a wonderful, unforgettable memory in my life.

For my part, I have been interested in international studies since the beginning of my high school. I found that Vassar offers international studies and adds some specialties to this multidisciplinary program. The foreign language requirement and the study away requirement sound very reasonable, and these requirements offer myriad opportunities. Another good thing about international studies at Vassar is that the program is multidisciplinary, meaning I can learn study different specific areas while focusing on international studies. This is an advantage in undergraduate studies and I am glad Vassar owns it.

Life after Vassar is another topic with which I am concerned. However, after watching that YouTube video, "Meet the class of 2008," in which many graduates answered the question, "What are you doing after graduation? " I see that there is indeed a life after Vassar, and that life is usually diversified and fulfilling. ...

Nice job! You will do well!!

Undergraduate / A paragraph from my Northwestern essay too wordy? HELP [5]

It was difficult to tear myself away from the fantastic stories of reality, but as I continued to click and explore I was drawn to other information. My virtual tour through McCormick has showed me that the Biomedical Engineering program here is indeed one of the best in the field. Through my tour, I discovered McCormick's unique Engineering First Program, its affiliation programs, and its breadth of research opportunities. These traits assure me ...

Awesome. You will do well!!!

Undergraduate / 'I am an independent girl' - Rice why essay & why social science school [2]

I am an independent girl in pursuit of an education in liberal arts and the opportunity to exploring the science of leadership. When my teacher mentioned her experience of studying at Rice, I realized that Rice can provide for me opportunities to explore my academic and leadership abilities.

Since I have experienced a small class setting in Harvard Summit for Young Leaders in China, I strongly desire to pursue similar liberal art education with ample resources in a university .

Rice has an incredible student to faculty ratio of 5:1 and lots of personal contact with professors. I also look forward to insightful class discussions with amazing classmates with whom I want to build lifelong friendships. Strong academics class with excellent support systems will empower me as a unique residential college experience. Therefore, Rice is my best choice because of its liberal arts programs!

Very good! I hope you have lots of success at rice!

Writing Feedback / "Prevention is better than cure" IELTS essay - much band score I can get? [2]

This concept represents the opportunity to avoid many diseases if we take proactive steps before a problem forms. Previously, governments of many countries emphasized curing the patient but did not sufficiently emphasize the distribution of information that can support prevention.

For this last part, I don't know what overnment is... maybe that is an error? Oh! I think you meant to type "government?" Well, good luck perfecting your english!!! It is hard to master a language, but as a bilingual person you are better than me, because I speak only one language! I wish I was bilingual.

You did not have too many errors...

Graduate / Review my SOP-MFA (my peaceful journey) [4]

My journey seems so peaceful, my ship moving forward, the sea so still, and I seated myself there to take delight in surroundings.

However, no one can predict the future, and that includes me.

As an international student, I had hard time paying off the tuition since my country started to struggle in economic crisis, either my family did.

Every moment I spent there reminded me of the thrills that I had when I first started studying design back in ( ).

In a graduate program in graphic design at ( ) University, I look forward to gaining the keys to unlock doors of opportunity on my journey; to explore graphic design with profound ethics and values; indeed I can have a chance to re-design the future ...

Not limited to the realm of art and design, it is a concept of paramount concern within every profession .

Finally, by understanding the past, a designer can intuit the correct path to follow in present.

Not too many errors! Good luck; I think graphic design is a great art form!!

Undergraduate / 'Exam failure' - long essay of Michigan: setback [7]

Though using correction fluid costs time and makes a paper untidy, I enjoy the freedom and ability to correct mistakes as I like. The correction fluid helped me erase many mistakes, until I went to junior school.

The first exam of junior one was extremely important, because it determined which people who were qualified to attend the advanced class.

I have had abundant chances, and I often made silly mistakes. Carelessly, I made mistakes like those on the exam, or missed good chances.

This is a great parable. How meaningful! I hope the Admissions person appreciates it as much as I do!

:)

Undergraduate / Nerd at heart - Why UChicago [4]

Oh, I'm sorry about that, but there is no changing posts, just editing that everyone can see. We need to see the process that each essay goes through, so please post each subsequent version for everyone's benefit. I understand what you mean, though!

Undergraduate / Pitzer Supplement-I want to change the world! [12]

Han,

When I said "sentence or two to the final sentence," I hope you figured out that I meant "sentence or two to the final paragraph." That's what I meant! My bad.

Also, that is funny about my confusion over the word "Han."

:)

Undergraduate / significant experience - practicing playing the piano [3]

One special experience has influenced me during the past ten years which will definitely influence the future is my experience of practicing playing the piano.

Playing the piano has refined my focus, deepening my meditation throughout ten years of practice.

From the year I was only six, I became an "otaku" who stayed with the piano for most time.

Bearing my mother's words in mind, I invested three full hours into my practice, every day.

Good luck to you! A musician with your years of experience must be very focused. You can accomplish anything! In music, we go very deep.

Writing Feedback / Magic Lu Chen - essay help [5]

Magic, makes many people think about Harry Potter; but they will say this is a movie and it's fake. But when I heard this word, I will think of Lu Chen. Every week, there is a guy who stands on stage waving his hands and saying: "It's the magical moment!" then the applause is everywhere. He performs magic and no one stops screaming. He is Lu Chen who is also a magician. Maybe not many Americans know about him. But still, how can he affect me? He is a performer and I am a student. But his manner and words affect me in many ways.

I still remember the first time I saw him on TV. He was performing his magic. He looked different from everyone around him. It's not just because he is a performer, also his characteristics. The actions he takes are neat and easy to understand. The way he speaks makes the show more interesting and everyone will fall into the world he creates at that moment. He is not doing tricks, but magic. After this, I started to learn magic and study more about him.

It's like a window which lets people to find a way to communicate with others.

Do you really mean to say that you have autism? Are you trying to write "artistic":
During my freshman year, I am kind of autistic person but not really.

I was afraid to communicate with people because I didn't really know English when I first came here.

Undergraduate / College of Agriculture and Life Sciences -Cornell CALS (I have been rather fortunate) [4]

The idea that there are people out there without it has always been somewhat startling to me, and one memory still haunts me.

What I saw was a shock: the smell, the lighting, the patients waiting in pain, and the doctors who showed apparently little concern for them.

Along with my hopes of one day entering the field of medicine, my interests are geared primarily toward issues concerning public health.

However, I am equally astonished at the state of our society and many others, in which people are permitted to suffer at the hands of a flawed health care system.

The Biology and Society major would give me a greater understanding of this system and its political and legal workings. In combination with my love for science, I hope to make a difference not only in my own community, but for others who are in need as well.

Good essay!

:)

Undergraduate / 'flying was a real challenge' - extracurricular essay - flight training [5]

However, even the first few lessons proved to be extremely challenging.

This is a really strong sentence, because it shows deep introspection:

Life was not always perfect, but I had never been given a real challenge that tested my limits.

How about this:

By rising to the occasion and taking flight, I have closed the circle on my understanding of the learning process.

Undergraduate / essay for fsu (the freshman basketball team and more) [6]

For instance, I was on the basketball team during my freshman year of high school, and to be on the basketball team it took a lot of effort.It also took a lot of dedication to keep going and wanting to be on the team.

Using morals in my life gives me direction and a sense of knowledge, because if I know what I'm doing then I know where I'm going and what I'm going to end up with.

The art that is inherent in this type of dance takes time to learn, because you have to understand what you're dancing for and why. When your praise dancing you have to feel it in your spirit and feel it in your soul that you're doing this for? God. The beauty of this dancing is very wonderful because once you have practiced the dance over and over again it turns it something elegant and beautiful and I can do it so gracefully.

Undergraduate / My father said my essay sucked (Why Engineering? Why Cornell) [6]

Engineering reminds me of the particle accelerators that smash atoms together to make extraordinary products. If we put the Mathematics, the Sciences, the theoretical learning and the hands-on training into these particle accelerators, the product will no doubt be engineering.

I was enthralled, for I found the project delightfully creative, and I sought inventive ways accomplish the task .

It turned out that my daring idea came quickly when I decided to find a way to cure myopia. I believe there is an easier way to resume perfect vision than through laser eye surgeries. I thereby wish to major in bioengineering and minor in biomedical engineering.

I hope that one day, I can invent a "biocompatible lens" that will be as easy to use as the contact lens, but can be integrated much better as part of our eyes.

Although Biomedical Engineering is relatively young at Cornell, I can see Cornell quickly emerging as a leader in the field.

Hope this helps!

:)

Undergraduate / Alex and Su essay (the Monkey King and Alexander the Great) common app [6]

I applaud your extra effort. When you feel inspiration come over you, always use it!

Put the comma inside "" marks:
"Saih maht geanguh," translated as..

you need a comma here:

Born from a rock and nourished by the elements of earth, Su-Wukong received instruction from Subodhi the elitist see-phoo for training the offspring of gods.

Among the variety of activities in which I participated, choir challenged me the most because I was learning a new language; this time, it was not a setback. It was something looked forward to conquer.

Undergraduate / [BYU] What to write in a brief biography? [6]

Good! It's funny how, in order to achieve your goals, sometimes you need to be smart and tell people something impressive rather than just speaking from the heart. For example, can you focus on things that "set you apart" in ways that are related to your possible major/career?

However, when you get some inspiration and can really speak genuinely from the heart, that is impressive! In answer to your question, I think you will do well to list the activities in the form of prose (i.e. a paragraph or two)... be eloquent and passionate!!

Remember that your purpose is to win somebody over, and make them believe in you. This is going to be the same challenge with every aspect of life, really.

Undergraduate / Should we hide feeling or not? [2]

I am very above-board and talkative. I tend to express what I think . However, hiding emotions also has advantages.

In my opinion, showing my emotions both when happy and when sad helps everybody understand me better and makes me more comfortable.

I roared myself hoarse and cried aloud, broke everything within my reach, but of course nobody was here. After that, I felt better and continued to work.

However, it is improper for us to always show our emotions, so we need to keep our feeling from showing in some cases.

The decision to show or not show emotions should suit each individual case. Sometimes concealing emotions is necessary not sometimes it is not, but I think we should strive to live honestly with ourselves.

Undergraduate / BU Supplement (I have many connections with Boston) [8]

I guess I also want to mention that you can reorganize a bit here. Put the stuff about the city all together:

In the heart of Boston, I will be swimming in a pool of diversity. There are hundreds of people to meet and the city itself is enveloped in museums and historical landmarks. All of this will present me with many cultural opportunities and a chance to become more socially aware. I long to abandon my suburban roots and live in a city. Although there are hundreds of other schools I could go to in Boston, BU is the only one that has such an active student community and great clubs to get involved with. There are clubs ranging from athletics to religious and through these clubs, I can perhaps discover my true passion in life. I am especially interested in the Alternative Spring Break trip and the Hug Don't Hate Club.

Since I am currently undecided in regard to what I wish to major in, the variety of classes offered by the College of Arts and Sciences will help guide me. I was reading a pamphlet and became particularly interested in Ha Jin, the Professor of Creative Writing. I would be honored to take a class with such a respected man. The fact that he has won the PEN/Faulkner Award twice and has even written and received an award for a novel shows that he has tremendous passion in the subject and I can only imagine the information I will take from his class.

Undergraduate / BU Supplement (I have many connections with Boston) [8]

I don't know, I really liked your intro. You give the feeling of a little 12 year old girl with a dream... and yet you write well, like a scholar. You SHOULD write out the word "twelve" instead of typing 12, though.

Let's get rid of "located" here:

In the heart of Boston, I will be swimming in a pool of diversity. ...

See how that is nicer? Sometimes writing is more powerful when you cut out unnecessary words. Good luck at BU!! You are great!

Undergraduate / 'disciplinary lessons' - Tufts - Short Answer [6]

Yes, I second that! You guys are great! To all of you who offer such meaningful peer reviews, please check out the contributor page so you can get credit for all you do!

I have always been surrounded by supportive people, and I am blessed to have had competent and clear-headed loved ones who cared for me and taught me the essential lessons in life. From my parents, for example, I learned more of the disciplinary lessons like respecting elders, being polite, studying hard, never giving up, etc. From other people that surrounded me, teachers, baby sitters , mentors, and friends, I learned lessons like sharing, giving, and being friendly. Of course my parents taught me the lessons that my teachers and peers taught me and vice versa, but it was obvious which lessons each group stressed. Because I was influenced by so many people, I have embodied the different ideals of those that surround me and have grown to truly become a "people person." As cliché as it may sound, I would never be the person I am today if it were not for those dear to my heart.

Yes, indeed, tell some specific things, like zowzow said. zowzow does such a good job lately, that I am afraid i am becoming unnecessary!

This essay needs to be given some real substance, some specifics. You can do it!!

Undergraduate / Common App Essay ("Grazie! Grazie!") [13]

Oops, you have a misplaced comma:

"Grazie! Grazie!" shouts the sun-wrinkled, aged man who shoves the small package into my hand...

'I'll be fine' I think, almost excited to venture back to the hotel by myself so that I can reach my curfew -- 8:00 PM.

A sense of independence emerges...

Ahh, this really is looking good. It shows that you put a lot of time into it. And at the end, you get right back to the idea of your college endeavor. This is good!

To answer your question, I always use titles when I can. A title is powerful. In fact, sometimes when I am just arguing with a family member and ranting about something -- I even give that rant a title, and then I explain it!! Titles are powerful. So, use them.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay (Athletes Serving the Community) [6]

Great advice from Sean!

Also, look below how it is better to write out the name of the organization followed by the acronym, instead of the other way around:

As a member and a captain of a teenage community service group, Athletes Serving the Community (ASC) each event I volunteer
...
More than 1,000 people showed up
...
A few teary-eyed parents...

...
I am very lucky for all the things I have, and now I am even more grateful for them .

Faq, Help / Why is my topic / thread deleted? [78]

Yes, we cannot have people put content here that also appears on other websites. Sorry!!!!

:)

Essays / Thesis - For Baby boomers [4]

Try looking at articles on Google Scholar, and use a word search for "baby boomers" and "behavior." be sure to also try it with the UK English spelling of "behaviour."

After you have read 5 or 6 articles written by other people about this subject, it will be easy for you to come up with an opinion (i.e. thesis) of your own.

:)

Undergraduate / Essay about Stereotyped beliefs on certain race from a Muslim woman perspective. [4]

Below, I will cross out some sentences that are unnecessary:

My focus is not on the stereotype of men and women, but the stereotype of certain race. I personally have not allowed a stereotyped belief to have self-fulfilling prophecy for my behavior. Being a Muslim woman born and raised in United Arab Emirates, I notice that people think I come from an oppressive, strict, and close-minded background.

Okay, it seems you strayed from the question. I hop you will re-write this in a way that shows that YOU UNDERSTAND how a steryotypical belief can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, cops use racial profiling sometimes, because they believe that minorities are more likely to traffic drugs, and the result is that they search more people of color for drugs This causes them to find drugs possessed by people of color more often.

Another example is the way that people might think minotiries are less trustworthy, so they turn down their applications for jobs, and then these dejected members of minority cultures sometimes turn to crime as a result.

You need to show that you understand, for example, how American prejudices toward people of your ethnic background can cause them to act hostile toward you, and in turn people of your culture will feel hostile toward them. Thus, a self-fulfilling prophecy can be observed.

Good luck re-writing this. Be sure to explain in a way that shows your understanding of this concept!

:)

Undergraduate / 'I began to finalize my own college list' - Why Carnegie? [12]

Cornell harbors brilliant professors and a diverse student body that I know will stimulate me to be my best. Whether through academics or engagement with peers, surrounded by endless inspiration, I know that at Cornell I will be stimulated to be my best. maybe one of these could be changed to encouraged, perhaps?

Although I am strongly interested, I feel that an engineering background will be a solid stepping stone towards a career in law; the methodical and systematic techniques in engineering bolster decision-making and priceless innovation.

I have always had a heart to serve people, people from different countries or communities and I believe that becoming a patent lawyer will help me collaborate the two worlds I love, science and service.

Good luck!

:)