Poetry / Cinquain / The Quatrain / The Concrete - Poems [10]

Greetings!

I am not as familiar with cinquains and quatrains; I have heard of them, but never tried to write any. So, we'll learn together! My thinking is, it's easiest to describe something you're very familiar with. Imagine that you're describing the subject as if you were there, and the memories will help you find the words:

Summer
Humid, blazing
Sailing, swimming, sunning, burning
Joyful, goofy, giggly, silly
Freedom

You could try something similar to that with winter, spring or fall, too!

Sometimes a poem starts out one direction, and by the time you write the last line, you find it has ended up somewhere else entirely! That's what happened when I wrote this quatrain (in aabb form):

The lake at sunset burns like fire
Inflaming love's intense desire
My dreams of you began this way
But passion faded like the day

Not a happy ending, after all! :=)

I can't write all your poems for you, but if you have trouble with rhyming, I would suggest a rhyming dictionary--it can be very helpful! You might even find one online. When I write poems or songs, I usually just make a list of the words I'm trying to rhyme, starting with A and going through the entire alphabet, writing down every word I can think of that rhymes. You might want to try that, too!

Remember--the best way to write anything is just to start writing! Don't second-guess yourself or edit yourself until you've got something written; then go back and work on it until you like it. And don't judge your writing too harshly! It's all about learning as you go!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Poetry / Cinquain / The Quatrain / The Concrete - Poems [10]

I must go for now, but I will be back in about 12 hours and promise I will help you then!

Sarah

Book Reports / English 1102: Oedipus the King- discuss an element of fiction used in the play [7]

Greetings!

I think you've done a great job! I have just a few small editing suggestions:

The word "see" has a literal meaning of being physically able to see one's surroundings

On the other hand, Oedipus possesses physical sight but is blind to the truth in his life. Oedipus being figuratively blind to the truth mocks Tiresias blindness when ironically it is Oedipus that is blind. - It isn't really "on the other hand" --this thought is a continuation of what came before, so I'd omit that phrase. Also, you tend to overuse "ironically." The irony is apparent without your needing to point it out more than once.

It is then and only then that Oedipus can truly "see"

Oedipus, [add comma] even though he has physical sight, [add comma] remains blind until the truth is spoken to him by the Theban shepherd.

he actually voluntarily makes himself literally blind - you don't need "actually" here.

I think this sentence should go nearer the end: Despite the effort to avoid the prescribed fate, Oedipus does in fact couple with his mother and kills his father.

It's coming along nicely! Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 5 paragraph essay form about my career goals [4]

Greetings!

I'd be glad to help give you some ideas. You said an important word: passion. Think about what it is about animation that excites you. You say you've always been interested in art; you might talk a bit about what kinds of works you have in your portfolio. It's good to include your commitment and the amount of effort you are willing to put in. You say "I expect my education at this college to help me attain my goals by giving me the experience I need for the job I want." - Take that very general statement and expand on it: what are the goals it will help you attain? (not just a job at X company, but more specific accomplishments); what experience will the job you hope to attain require? What about those companies you mentioned interests you enough to want to work there? What do they do and what would you like to do for them?

Try writing the essay without worrying about how "good" it is. I will be happy to help you with editing it once you have it fleshed out a bit. Once you have the basic information, we can find words that will help bring it to life a bit more, if it needs it.

I'll look forward to reading it!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / How to write essay to describe myself? [22]

Greetings!

Probably the best thing would be for you to write the essay and then let me help you with editing it. Tell about your interests, what courses you have taken to prepare you for the graduate program, what areas of specialization you would like to pursue, any work experience you have in the field, and what you hope to do with your diploma once you have it. Include anything else you can tell the admissions committee about you that you think might make you a desirable candidate.

Once you have a rough draft, I'll be happy to help you smooth out any rough edges. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Poetry / 'In darkness, I see light In day, I see night' - free / haiku poem [3]

Greetings!

I'd be glad to help! Let's take your questions one at a time. The first poem is very good! The only suggestion I would make is perhaps to say "The scent of beautiful flowers" [or you could use other adjectives like "blooming flowers" or "spring flowers" or whatever]; scent has a more positive connotation than smell.

For the next one, I like both of them; I think you could take parts from each and make it even better, perhaps like this:

From the first time I met you [it's not grammatically correct to say "have meet"]
Every sight has changed in my life
Even whenas I walk on hard bricks
ItThey feel like soft smooth sheets of flowerslinen
Under my feet
[...]
A strange ecstasy delights

If that makes it too long, you could take out the river waves part.

I like writing haikus about nature. The thing is to just sit still first and picture what you want to say, without words. My favorite part of nature is sunsets, so I would write something like this:

The sun says good-bye
Setting fire to the lake
As my dreams awake
(I counted "fire" as having two syllables).

I think limericks are lots of fun! It's important to get the rhythm going in your head. Play around with it on paper (or monitor screen) for a while and see what you come up with. It helps if your last line is rather amusing. Here's one I came up with:

There once was a farmer named Weiser
Who horded his cash like a miser
His goat found the stash
And chowed down on the cash
Now his money's become fertilizer

Probably the more limericks you read, the easier it will become to come up with your own ideas. Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / English 1102: Oedipus the King- discuss an element of fiction used in the play [7]

Greetings!

What about the willingness of Oedipus and Jocasta (and, in a broader sense, humans in general) to ignore an obvious truth which one does not want to face? It is essentially a form of voluntary blindness, much like Oedipus' blinding of himself at the end, so that the metaphorical blindness becomes a literal blindness.

When you have a fairly wide-open assignment it can, indeed, be difficult to narrow it down. Ultimately, you just have to pick one thing that you believe is workable and go with it, and force yourself to stop saying, "oh, but maybe this one would be better..." When you get really stuck, try doing an internet search on the play and see what others have written about it!

Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Poetry / 'Love is blind, but sees into the heart' - Five senses - poem [4]

Greetings!

Love is blind - I like this opening line :-)

It sounds like the thunder before the storm - Is it mandatory to "say" the senses (sounds, feels, etc.)? If not, you might want to use metaphor instead of simile. For instance, instead of "It sounds like the thunder..." you could say, "Rumbling thunder before the storm"

It feels like the earth after the first rain - perhaps "fresh like the earth after morning rain"?

It smells like red roses - I find the "red" a bit distracting, because it makes me think, "do they smell different from yellow roses? white roses? how can it smell like RED roses?"

It tastes like saccharine strawberries - "saccharine" has a somewhat negative connotation these days, denoting something which is too sweet; perhaps the "tart sweetness of strawberries"?

It lives everywhere - I agree, this doesn't seem to fit; perhaps you could refer back to the first line: "Love is blind, but sees into the heart" or something like that.

Your Roses poem does make sense! :-) You might want to add a bit of contrast to it though; too much sweetness can be bland. See what you think of this:

Roses
Beautiful and treacherous
Blooming innocently
Like love that pierces the heart
If only neither had thorns

This is a very different poem in tone from the one you wrote, and you may not like it, but I present to you as an example of contrast; you may do with it as you wish. ;-))

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / When to use numerals and when to spell out words? [2]

Greetings!

That's a good question! I did some checking, and according to the Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association, you are correct; while one would normally write out "four" because the rule is to write out numbers one through nine, one should say "4 years" because the number refers to a date. Here are the rules in a nutshell.

Use numbers (numerals) in these instances:

1. For all numbers 10 and above: "There were 17 students in class."
2. All numbers below 10 that are grouped in comparison to numbers 10 and above: "Ony 5 of 17 students passed the course."
3. When using numbers immediately before a unit of measure: "a 5-minute wait"
4. Numbers that represent statistical or mathematical functions or formulas: "a ratio of 12:1"
5. Numbers that represent time, dates, ages, sizes, scores, money, and points on a scale: "It happened 5 years ago"; "a roomful of 6-year-olds"; "$40."

6. Numbers that represent a place in a series: "week 7 of an 8-week diet"
7. In a list of four or more numbers: "We had 1, 2, 5, and 8 pieces, respectively"

For more complete information, you may wish to check the APA manual.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Explore the use of symbolism as a means of expressing ideas about God [3]

Greetings!

I think you've written an excellent essay! I don't find your prose "wishy-washy" at all; you express yourself very well. It is particularly impressive considering the time constraint you were under. I have just a few editing suggestions for you:

He showed that symbolism all over the world shared the same basic ideas; [use semicolon instead of comma] he put that down to the 'collective unconscious' that the world shared. That way, symbols had definite meaning.

Many Christians [delete apostrophe; it's a plural, not a possessive] opposed this very nineteen-hundreds [do you mean "twentieth century"? If so, it would sound better to say so] German perspective, notably Austin Farer in an "Englishman's" take on the argument. - Why is "Englishman's" in quotation marks? Unless you are using the description to mean something unusual, you don't need quotes. If you do mean something other than, literally, an Englishman, you should explain it.

it's a choice between believing the faith whole-heartedly [add hyphen] or dismissing it in its [the possessive form of "its" does not use an apostrophe, strangely enough :-)] entirety.

Finally, a number of Christian theologians (J.R. Randell) argued - Is Randell an example of one of those theologians? If so, say (e.g., J.R. Randell) or (for example, J.R. Randell)

It could be also argued that this emotional connection made it easier for the less agile-minded [add hyphen] to grasp the concepts of the religion at hand [delete "ed"]. Personally, [add comma] I'd argue that this attacks the vulnerable-minded [add hypen] by stealing their beliefs to strengthen the religious community.

Personally, [add comma] I feel religious meaning is totally independent of the language at hand because multiple languages are expressed in an unlimited list of languages. - I'm afraid I don't understand what this sentence means. (Your next sentence, however, is much clearer.)

Very good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / The important of soliloquies in Macbeth [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you an idea or two to get you started:

Soliloquy allows the audience to hear the inner thoughts of a character, drawing us inside his mind and creating a bond between him and his listeners. Soliloquies are of particular importance in Macbeth, as they demonstrate his progressive deterioration throughout the play.

You might want to look at each of Macbeth's soliloquies in order, and compare them, noting his emotional state in each. How does his character change over the course of the play? Could Shakespeare have revealed so much of Macbeth's character without using the soliloquies? Just some things to think about.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Experience that has been a strong influence on your goals - Essay no.2 [4]

It was my pleasure! :-) Good luck!!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / I was about to climb into a battle tank; Essay on Child's play [2]

Greetings!

You have done an excellent job of improving your essay! You succeeded in all the tasks you set yourself for making it better. :-) I have only a few small suggestions, mostly to do with grammar; your English is better than a lot of native English speakers (!) but occasionally, following the rules strictly can lead to a construction which a native English speaker would not use. Here are my suggestions:

The pilot, the chief, and I took our respective positions into the tank. - say "in the tank."

It rumbled in the countryside, while drums rolled in my head, as for indicating the warning signs of an attack in the plaines. - this has a somewhat awkward sound to it and it's not entirely clear what you mean about the planes (not "plaines"); were you saying that the drums rolled in your head as they would have if you had to worry that planes were about to attack? If so, you could say, "...the drums rolled in my head, beating a rhythm of warning, as if on alert for an attack from the air."

It boils down to raise an extraordinarily lethal weapon. - say "raising."

authorization from the chief to open the fire. - "open fire" is a term of art in the context of firing weapons. If you say "open the fire" it conjures an entirely different meaning, that of literally opening the doors of a furnace, perhaps, to expose a fire burning inside. You want "open fire" here.

Suddenly, "fire" he said. - "Suddenly" contrasts with the calmness of "he said." Better would be something like, "Suddenly, 'Fire!' he barked, and I flinched." There are probably a dozen better ways you could say that, but the idea is to match the "Suddenly" with what comes immediately after.

For the first time in my life, I have assumed a complete control over my life and my actions. - Because you are referring to a particular event in the past, you don't want to use the participle; say "I assumed."

It amounts to learn how to manage my professional and personal life. - say, "It amounts to learning how ..."

The only other suggestion I would make is to consider whether "puissance" really fits in this context. It is a word not often used in English (I had to look it up) and while you are correct that the definition certainly fits here, it does stand out as rather flowery language, in contrast to the technical words and "short sentences to accelerate the reading" (which are an excellent technique!) It's a judgment call, but I thought I'd bring it to your attention; as it's a word French origin, you are probably more familiar with it than most English-speaking readers would be.

You've done a really excellent job! Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / What to use as my main subjects in writing a proccess essay? [3]

Greetings!

When writing a process essay, there are some questions you can ask yourself to get started.

For instance, why is it important to have a process for studying?

Is there more than one way to do it correctly?

What items are needed to study effectively? A computer? books? class notes?

How long should you devote per study session?

How many steps are there in the process?

What should you do first? (e.g., gather your materials, find a quiet place to study)

What's next? (e.g., go through your assignments and prioritize)

What difficulties might you encounter? How can you overcome them?

Are there things you should always do, and some which are optional? What are some things to avoid? (e.g., waiting until you're too tired)

I hope this helps you get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / A thesis on the history of darts [2]

Greetings!

Yes, your research paper will essentially follow that formula of thesis/supporting evidence/conclusion. Your thesis need not be earth-shattering in order to take a position. Is there any argument about where darts first arose? If there is, you could say something like, "Although some historians feel the first game of darts was played in what is now Northern Ireland, the greater weight of evidence suggests the game dates back to Bronze Age Tibet" (I made that up;-)) Perhaps there was at one time debate about how the game should be scored, or places where the game was banned after someone got killed in a pub, fighting over a win. I once owned a boar bristle board made in South Africa, and someone told me there had been a boycott of South African dart boards because of apartheid; I have no idea if that's true, but it might be worth exploring! Have a look at whatever articles and books you can find on the history of darts before you decide which direction your paper should go. Just try to come up with something more than "the history of darts is long and interesting." There's always some sort of assertion you can make, even if it's only "the history of darts shows that this game deserves to be a part of the Olympics."

Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "How To Properly Stream Bed Pan For Fossils" - Analysis assignment [2]

Greetings!

What an interesting topic! You've done a really great job; I have just a few editing tips:

Digging for fossils is an exciting activity for adults [delete comma] and children alike.

there is a proper and improper process which should be followed. - I don't think you meant to say there is an improper process which should be followed. ;-) How about "there is a process which should be followed for optimum success" or something like that.

a tightly knitted aluminum screen, typical of a house window, [add comma] for searching

Now that your ready to dig, - it's "you're," although in formal essay writing, contractions should be avoided, so "you are" might be better.

Be sure to avoid any areas [delete apostrophe; it's a plural, not a possessive] where water levels are above the waistline

Limit yourself, and others, [add comma] to 2-3 box fills

In the case that a hole is created - Say "In case" or just "If"

you will be able [rather than enabled] to safely dig, as well as preserve the locale's natural erosion. This [delete comma] will ensure the preservation of the fossils for [delete the] many future generations of fossil diggers. - I deleted "potentially unearthed" because they are not going to be unearthed for the fossil diggers, but by them.

Very good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Where you will be when you graduate college - compare & contrast essay [2]

Greetings!

I'd be glad to help! Writing about yourself sounds as if it should be easy, because you know the subject, but it has its difficulties! As with most essays, you'll want to start with an introduction, but before you can write that, you need a pretty good idea of where your essay is going, because your thesis will introduce those ideas. I would suggest that you start by making a list of your qualities. Write down all the important qualities you have right now, then consider how college might change them, and make a list that reflects the qualities you think you'll have after college. Consider all the experiences you may have during college that could affect the way you are and the sort of person you'd like to become.

Then, when you get down to the actual writing, you might want to present the before-and-after qualities by comparing and then contrasting:

1. Introduction

2. Similarities between now and post-college
a)
b)
c)
d)

3. Differences between now and post-college
a)
b)
c)
d)

4. How I will accomplish those changes

5. Conclusion - Summary and a restatement of your thesis

Or, you might find it easier to talk about one set of qualities, then the other:

1. Introduction

2. My qualities now
a)
b)
c)
d)

3.My qualities after college
a)
b)
c)
d)

4. How I will accomplish those changes

5. Conclusion - Summary and a restatement of your thesis

See if this gets you started and I'll be happy to help you with editing your rough draft if you like!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Experience that has been a strong influence on your goals - Essay no.2 [4]

Greetings!

It's a pleasure to read another of your wonderful essays! I have only a few small suggestions and comments;

and the world/space that I have reached in that time - I like "world" :-)

This particular need of people to find something about themselves and the need to belong to something is what we mainly discussed about. - Delete the last "about"; consider changing it, though, to "was the main focus of our discussions."

Ever since I have learned about terms such as "elevator advertising", "guerrilla advertising", "out of home advertising",

This community of artists that I am having in mind - that I have in mind

It is for sure that my interest in poetry has been set since long ago, but this particular intention to "stick" it to people represents a project... - A couple of points, here: "...my interest in poetry was set in motion long ago..." Also, it may be different where you live, but here in the U.S. there is a negative connotation associated with "sticking it to someone." You might consider re-wording it to something like "make it stick to people." :-)

My only other suggestion is to strengthen your last sentence a bit, perhaps with some more of your wonderful metaphor.

Excellent work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Recent violent rampage essay [2]

Greetings!

You make some very good points in your essay! I have done a bit of editing on it; have a look:

The recent rampage at Virgina Tech University once again drew everybody's attention to the violence in youths, especially those in universities. Everybody has his own opinion; there is a lot in both print and electronic media as well. But what i infer is that the answer to all the questions is only one word: loneliness. Loneliness is the result of our modern life style.

By modern life style, I mean dependency on electronic resources rather than human beings. I would say each gadget brings its share of loneliness to one's life. For example, consider our daily chores. If we go to the gym or on a walk we never forgot to bring an ipod and I believe that is the worst enemy. When you do not talk to anybody, you never share emotions. You miss a wonderful opportunity to express your feelings and let frustration out with surrounding people. Another thing is the music that goes to your brain through your ears, because we all know about the quality of music we are getting nowadays. Then, too, I don't think most families still have the tradition of family dinner. [You might want to expand a bit on the benefits of familiy dinners]. The rest of the damage is done by the internet where it's pretty easy to find and share poisonous ideas with like-minded people. The thing I would advise [you are stating it, not implying it] is get out of the room, take off your ipod, sit with your family, share your ideas and the day's experiences, make friends and be friendly.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on poem: "The Possibilities of Invention" [5]

Greetings!

I did respond to your poetry post today, but I had already called it a night by the time you posted that. I hope my comments will be helpful in some way, even if a bit too late for your deadline. Our policy is to do our best to respond to posts within 24 hours.

Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'BETWEEN YOU AND I: MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY' - for honors application [6]

Greetings!

I like the way you start off--the image of the 60-year-old man with a blood-red mohawk sticks in the mind! :-) You involve the reader from the first with this picture and with the character's dialogue. The problem I have with it, though, is that you leave this interesting tableau without really letting it run free. I felt let down when, instead of launching into an amusing anecdote about something outrageous that happened at work, which is what I was expecting, you suddenly summed it up and moved on to family life. From that point on, I felt my interest in reading it flagging. Your essay then changed course a couple more times, before getting to what appears to be just about the last line of the book. I don't think an autobiography's last page (or penultimate page, either) would start with a story like that; such an experience would have been told earlier in the book.

You have written some good stuff here; it just seems to me that it's about three different essays in one. If the prompt wanted you to sum up your life, that would be another matter, but if you are going to really keep it to just "page 147" I think you should make it more "in medias res" as you said, and just continue on with the job at Narcissus and some amusing thing that happened there.

Reasonable minds may differ, but that's my take on it! :-))

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Poetry / Foxhole, Bloodshed - Some poems help [2]

Greetings!

I'll be happy to give you my impressions. Please understand, though, that I don't know much about how to write poetry; I can only tell you what occurs to me about it as I read. :-))

Attacked by the paper balls and fortress built. <- (is that a good metaphor for: "bombarding and barraging?") - This struck me as not quite right because it seemed as though what came after "paper balls" should be something similar, to balance it. "...the paper balls and [adjective] [noun]." Sorry I can't give you an example, but I don't know enough about what you were trying to say. To me, it doesn't equate to "bombarding and barraging."

I love the over-flowing teapots! :-)

I think the dead rats are fine :-) Just be sure to put an "r" on the word; it seems to have fallen off. ;-))

Sanitary conditions poor - This struck me as a little too predictable. My first thought was, "Sanitary conditions--not" but you might want something a bit more sensory-rich, like "crush the lungs."

Consider changing the last line to "The bloodshed begins" to keep your tenses the same.

In the next poem, I'll confess, I don't "get" the "granny" bit. Is this a reference to a grandmother? Why? Could you have meant "grainy"? I like the line, "My palm with long brown lines"; my first thought was to add something like "...cups the world/" and then make some kind of metaphor about sweat and oceans...

For the Big Mac haiku, I think I'd go with fewer connecting words that don't add to the imagery. For example:

Sesame seeds crunch
Meat oozing tangy sauce
McDonald's Big Mac.

I hope this helps some!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Cluster Munition Essay [2]

Greetings!

I'll be happy to give you some feedback on your excellent essay!

This sentence didn't really make sense to me: "It is the action of taking old habits with deadlier technology that makes war primitive." Did you mean to say "taking old habits"?

This was excellent: Sayyid Ahmad Sanef believed the bright yellow object lying on the ground near his home was one of the 37,000 plastic humanitarian aid packages of the same colour dropped on Afghanistan by US military aircraft - but it had come from a cluster bomb. (BBC News) However, it felt rather like it was hanging out on a limb by itself; consider putting in another sentence or two about what happened to Sayyid, so that it will have more impact.

"Meanwhile other countries around the world have taken action against the use of the cluster bombs such as Australia." - put "such as Australia" after "world," (setting it off with commas) so that you won't be saying "cluster bombs such as Australia."

"War is about motives and it in war it is the ends that justify the means." - I think the first "it" must be a typo.

"whether it's alright for a child to be blown up." - Say "it is"; it's best not to use contractions in formal writing. Also, "all right" is two words.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on poem: "The Possibilities of Invention" [5]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you some help with your essay. I think you've done a good job of analyzing the poem! I have a few suggestions to help with editing and content.

I worked on your thesis and dug a little deeper; what do you think?:

The "Possibilities of Invention," by Cathy Song uses symbolism to reveal the inner conflict created by her struggle to fit into a world where appearance is everything, and her knowledge that she sees more clearly than those with perfect eyesight.

A thesis which is too vague or general can come across as rather generic, so I went beyond the fact that she had "conflict" and told what that conflict was.

Some more editing suggestions:

"which symbolize the truth that she scrutinizes her life." - this sounds like it has a word missing...? I'm not sure what you meant to say here--"in her life" perhaps?

Second, the speaker switches to "small oval granny rims" (7), undergoing a transformation, she seemed to "need the armor." - a run-on sentence. Put either a period or a semicolon after "transformation."

The theme is that sometimes the truth cannot be seen by the naked eye but only by the inner soul (or spirit). - Just a thought!

Evidence here. - I'm not sure what this was, but I don't think you need it.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Dissertations / Colossal dissertation problems [11]

You're welcome! Things have a way of working out! Good luck and let me know how it goes!

Sarah

Essays / Essay on "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing" - help neeeded! [3]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help! Are you looking for analolgy? If so, you could say something like, "It is like trying to bake a cake with only half a recipe to follow. No matter how well you prepare the first half of the ingredients, without the rest of the instructions, the end result will never come out tasting right."

Let me know if this is what you had in mind!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Dissertations / Colossal dissertation problems [11]

Greetings!

I'm glad to hear you've got it narrowed down! I think your title is excellent and very interesting! Your research questions are very good. I'm afraid I do not have any experience with writing a dissertation, so I may not be the best person to advise you on how to select your data and formulate your questions. One thing that does come to mind, though...if you have several years' worth of Cosmos, it might be interesting to investigate (in addition to, not instead of, the questions you have so far) whether the images which supposedly project the "fun, fearless female" have changed noticeably over the past few years. Women's place in society has been continuously evolving into stronger positions as time goes by; has Cosmo kept pace, or has the evolution gone unnoticed by them? Is the fun, fearless female the same as she was 5 or 10 years ago?

As far as selecting your data, I just think you have to be very clear what you're looking for so that you don't end up flipping endlessly through issue after issue. Let your research questions be your guide. Beyond that, I'm not sure what to tell you, but I imagine your supervisor could be more helpful.

Good luck with your meeting on Monday!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Death of a Salesman Essay [2]

Greetings!

You've done a good job of relating the action of the play and giving some insight into the characters and their motivations!

Your grammar and punctuation are very good! I have only a few little editing suggestions:

The way Willy sees himself, as well as the way others see him, [add comma] changes between the beginning and the end of the play.

Willy puts great emphasis on his theory that one is more successful if they are attractive and well-liked. - "one" is singular; "they" is plural. Hence, "one" cannot be more successful if "they" are attractive. It's all right to say "if he is attractive and well-liked," especially in this context when the "one" is a "he" anyway.

This is probably because he is a star football player..." - In your previous sentence, "he" referred to Willy; you cannot use "he" in the following sentence to refer to someone different without first using a proper name to identify the new "he." Say, "...because Biff is a star..."

Biff is the first on to see Willy as a failure. - I think this is a typo; you meant "one" instead of "on."

Linda knows about the affair, but keeps it to herself so as to not cause friction in the family.

Unless you were specifically instructed to make your concluding sentences exactly mirror your thesis, it's better to vary the wording slightly. Your thesis could also be a bit stronger. "The way Willy sees himself, as well as the way others see him changes between the beginning and the end of the play" is a rather generic observation. You could make it stronger by saying something like,"By the end of the play, Willy's carefully constructed facade of the successful family man and salesman withers in the harsh light of reality." In other words, be more specific about how the changes affect him.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Dissertations / Colossal dissertation problems [11]

Greetings!

I'm glad to know that you are feeling more in control of your project. :-) I think the questions you have come up with are excellent. That's interesting about the luxury car ads...says something about the various magazines' target audiences, doesn't it?

I wish you the best! Let me know if I can be of any help!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Stress - Cause & Effect essay - having a hard time coming up with a topic [6]

Greetings!

I think you've done a fantastic job! The additional tidbits you found are good. What about just bringing them in by saying something like, "Women are at particular risk for stress..."

In both of the following sentences, make "one's" possessive:
Stress tends to affect one's body and health in different ways. One should not let one's [delete "their"] stress get so bad as to cause illness.

side effects are a key factor in ones awareness that they may be subject to stress. - Again, you're mixing singular and plural. One cannot be "they." It's usually best just to re-write such sentences. You could say, "...side effects are a key factor in creating awareness of stress."

I think you've done a great job! Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Dissertations / Colossal dissertation problems [11]

Greetings!

Goodness, you are in a tizzy! My sympathies, I know you must feel very stressed! I know what it's like to feel you can't pin yourself down to one direction, but in this case, you really don't have time to be waffling. I think your supervisor is right; your original idea was very good and you should proceed in that direction. Looking at "how men and women are portrayed in advertisments" sounds awfully broad to me. What if you just buckle down and decide, "I'm going with my first plan"; then, do just what your supervisor said, and come up with research questions. For example, is there a difference in the way different minorities are portrayed in these consumer magazines? Is one ethnicity's portrayal of feminity stronger than another? Can you find specific trends which seem to hold true across the board? For example, are Asian women portrayed as more delicate? Are black woman shown as appearing stronger? Are there stereotypes which need to be addressed? You may find no differences at all, but you won't know unless you look for them.

Have you tried looking online for magazines? I don't know how accessible those types of magazines are on the web without buying an annual subscription, but it might be worth a look.

I know you feel you've backed yourself into a corner, but you still have time to at least do a preliminary draft, if you just go in one direction instead of twenty! :-))

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Thesis Help - I am writing a Paper on the Atomic Bomb For History Clas [2]

Greetings!

You've done some good thinking about your paper! I do wonder, though, if you're not getting somewhat off-topic by getting into the later bomb developments and their effects on the world. If that's all right, based on your assignment instructions, then, no problem. But if your paper is supposed to stay focused "on the Atomic bomb - and how the jewish refugees helped the United States create the first nuclear weapon" you might want to concentrate more on the events which led up to the bomb's creation. You could probably find a lot of information on the development of the science (without getting too technical), and the political atmosphere that created the need for the scientists who became refugees to leave Germany. I think perhaps the reason you are having trouble putting your present outline into one cohesive thesis statement is because it's really two different topics.

Give this some thought, and if you still want to go in that direction, I'll see what I can do to help you come up with your thesis. I do think you can get 10 pages out of the original thesis if you concentrate on the events preceding WWII.

Let me know what you think!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Virgina Tech Massacre Research Paper for my Psychology class [7]

Greetings!

There is little I can add to improve on what mcruz0041 has said--what great suggestions!

The best I can tell from a quick internet search, psychobiology has to do with the relationship between physical and cognitive processes in the body. Perhaps you could address what aspects of physiology, such as brain chemicals, cause cognitive processes (thoughts) which lead a person to take actions such as those.

Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Compare film Stagecoach and Unforgiven [4]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help--I think you're doing an excellent job! Your thesis will take a position on whether and/or how the two films are alike. I can't really write one for you, as I don't know enough about both of them, but it would be something comparable to "Stagecoach and Unforgiven are both social commentaries dressed in Western wear, but their distinct differences are born out of the cultural environments from which they arise." I made that up, but you get the idea. ;-)

Some editing tips:
The cast of characters include: [instead of ;] a prostitute ..." - your other semicolons are fine, but you need commas here: and, of course, the outlaw as Ringo Kid.

Ringo is charismatic; resourceful; courageous; morally compelled; and is skilled with his Winchester. - Here, you just want commas, not semicolons.

Say, "simple-minded tequila pourers."

The Scoffield kid is a new, up-and-coming bounty hunter

Unfortunately, Munny's transformation

I think you're doing great! Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Memo appreciating someone for giving me assistance with my essay [4]

Greetings!

A memo generally starts with a heading, like this:

TO:
FROM:
DATE:
SUBJECT:

After that, you would address the purpose of your memo: "I am writing to thank you for providing me with feedback on my essay."

Memos are often used in business to inform employees or members about a particular issue or to request someone's help with something. A "thank you memo" is not something I've run across before. Just keep it short and to the point and very polite, and you should be fine.

Feedback can be tricky, as I well know! You want to point out errors without stomping on someone's feelings. Always find something positive to say. You can soften criticism with phrases like "consider re-writing this sentence..." or "be wary of ..." or "Try to [do this] more..." Put yourself in the reader's place, while remembering that some people are more sensitive than others, so err on the side of caution.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "Koran" - Narrative Argument about a social issue [2]

Greetings!

I'd be glad to give you some input on your well-written essay!

I notice that when you use "Catholic" as an adjective, you do not capitalize it. My understanding is that it should be capitalized when referring to the religion; when not capitalized, the word means "something wide-ranging in tastes or of interest to everyone."

I like the way you start off with an anecdote from your life; however, you really need to bring your thesis into the opening paragraph, and the segue from the childhood experience to talking about the social issue was quite abrupt. Try beginning with a thesis that is similar to your last sentence, then use the childhood story as an illustration of how these arguments get started.

You say that "Contrary to what many believe, this Islamic-Christian friction is not new"; I don't think very many people believe that it is. You say it is "very possibly having some ancient origin in the Crusades"; there's no "possibly" about it. That's what the Crusades were all about. The Christians were going to stamp out Islam and take back the Holy Land for Christianity. You should be more definitive in your statements about that; no need to dance around it! :-)

Other than those points, I think your essay is very good, and yes, it flows nicely! Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Have to write 13 Media Logs... [4]

Greetings!

OK, thanks! Let's go through the questions for the ad you posted and see what we come up with!
Media Text: This is an ad for a line of hair-care products by Pantene. It uses cool colors, mostly gray, with shades of blue and green; the model's hair is almost black, which complements the cool tone of the ad. One noteworthy point was the way the model is holding her hair; it flows smoothly, accentuating the attribute (smoothness, lack of frizz) the product is designed to assist. Parents, hm...well, personally, my parents would have found it irrelevant; I can't speak for your parents ;-). By "name 3 things like this" do you mean similar products? There are thousands of hair products on the market; pick three. For the Production section, you will have to do some internet research (or else look at the product in the store), but it should be easy to find. I'm sure you could buy it at Wal-Mart or someplace like that. The question,"have you seen a commercial for it" is an interesting one, because I know I've seen countless Pantene commercials, but can't remember if any were for this line of products; that's probably something people in advertising deal with constantly--how can I make this product memorable? For the Audience questions, I'm sure you can answer those for yourself; as for "who else would like it?" I would think girls in high school and college would be the main target audience.

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / using 'at the turn of the century' [4]

I actually first became acquainted with "fin de siecle" as a phrase from watching "Antiques Roadshow"! (Then I checked Wikipedia, to nail it down. They have a good article on it.) But yes, it is a recognized name amongst historians for a specific time period. Note that "fin de siecle" means "end of the century" so that term will always refer to the close of the century. My understanding of "turn of the century" has always been that we were turning into a new century, so at the end of 1899/beginning of 1900 it was the "turn of the 20th century." I think you'll find that's the case, once you start your research. Try doing internet searches on both phrases, in quotation marks, to get yourself started. Always look for bibliography or source information on websites, even ones that you know your instructor won't allow you to cite as a source (like Wiki, probably) because often their references section leads to sources that you can use.

I hope this helps clear it up a bit!

Research Papers / Virgina Tech Massacre Research Paper for my Psychology class [7]

Greetings!

This event is so recent, your best sources will probably be news outlets. More than likely, some of the major networks have interviewed psychologists or other mental health professionals about the impact of a tragedy like this on families and communities, and perhaps the country at large. You might also want to bring in other similar tragedies which have impacted our nation, such as Columbine or the murders in the Amish schoolhouse. If you wanted to take a look at how nationally televised tragedies and their aftermaths affect the public at large, you might consider the Oklahoma city bombing, which took place twelve years ago today. I realize your paper must focus mostly on Virginia Tech, but you may need to use past stories to formulate a thesis about how such events impact lives from a psychological standpoint.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / European women's history - comments welcome [2]

Greetings!

I'd be glad to give you some input. One thing I noticed right away was that you used "varying" three times in the first four sentences. Farther down, you use "various" quite often. Try to "vary" your word choice a bit more. ;-)) (You could probably take out most instances and not lose anything.)

women provided support for men, preserved-or protected--[add emdash]German culture,

My only other suggestion is to do with your thesis statement. It was a little unclear to me what your thesis was; you appear to be saying "it's impossible to define European women's history" and then proceed to attempt to do just that. Just something to think about.

You've done a lot of excellent work and I think your writing is very good!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com