Grammar, Usage / does this sentence make sense? "I watched the small playful ping pong ball..." [9]

Greetings!

Well, it makes sense if you mean, do I know what you are trying to say. If your underlying question is, "Is this a well-written sentence?" my answer would be, "I think it could be better."

For one thing, it could be read to mean that the ping pong ball has wondering eyes. Also, unless you are giving human characteristics to the ping pong ball (personification), characterizing it as "playful" is not really accurate. There might be a better way to say what you mean:

"I watched with wondering eyes as the ping pong ball flew playfully from one racket to another."

That way, you are describing the action of the ball as playful, rather than the ball itself. I don't think you really need "small" because everyone knows what size a ping pong ball is -- they only come in one size, to my knowledge.

Hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Classification essay - types of pets (500-700 words) [4]

Greetings!

You've really done an excellent job with polishing your essay! It's great as is, but if I were going to make a couple more suggestions, it would be these:

For someone who is always on the go, dogs are a little more difficult to take care of. If a person is not home for ten to twelve hours and the dog is in a kennel, the dog can become rambunctious and get into trouble. This is the dog's way of trying to get more attention.

Excellent work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Accident or Suicide? Ophelia Death (Hamlet) half done essay [3]

Greetings!

I think you present a compelling case for Ophelia's suicide! Here are some editing suggestions:

Ophelia is forced to keep silent

cannot help but feel sympathetic toward a character who has undergone emotional and physical suffering throughout this tragedy.

With the queen's descriptive details and the priest's comments on the manner of her death, we can then conclude that Ophelia's death was a suicide, not an accident.

Ophelia makes no attempt to save herself, and thus her drowning is viewed as a suicide. - Since you are making an argument that it was suicide, rather than saying "is viewed as" it would be better to say something like, "her drowning becomes a suicide."

In another sense Ophelia has accepted this fate, nor once did she resist or fight back the river current. - It's not really "another sense." Say: Ophelia has accepted her fate; she did not resist or fight the river's current."

Just days [delete "has passed"] after Ophelia's drowning [delete "incident"], the kingdom begins to question the legitimacy of Ophelia's burial, due to the manner of her death.

if he were to sing a solemn dirge and lay her to rest like a soul that died in peace.

the recurring questions about the legitimacy of her burial.

In many Shakespearean plays, for instance, "Romeo and Juliet" and "Macbeth," the female protagonist [delete "tends to"] resorts to suicide. -

I would then omit the more specific references to the other plays, as they tend to make you stray from the main point and are distracting. I would then go on to conclude that paragraph with something like: This play is another example of that device. From Ophelia's refusal to make any attempt to save herself, to the pointed comments of the gravedigger and priest, the evidence is clear: however Ophelia's death began, it ended as a suicide.

I hope this is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / graded research paper not so hot [4]

Greetings!

You're welcome!

You have the right idea. Fortunately, though, it is not necessary to cite after every sentence, if the source remains the same. Here are some tips:

Cite every piece of information that is not either your own work or common knowledge. (For instance, the fact that Bill Clinton was President of the U.S. is common knowledge.)

If you have a sentence or a block of text from a source, insert a parenthetical citation to show where the material came from; put it at the end of the last sentence containing quoted, paraphrased, or summarized material. It's also a good idea to mention the author at the beginning of that reference, such as, "According to Slick, ..." or, "In his 1993 book, Slick points out ..."

I agree Word isn't great for that. I don't know one off-hand, but if I find out, I'll let you know!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / 'incredibly rewarding career' sociology journal response [6]

Greetings!

You've been working hard! To my previous editiorial comments, I will add:

"I believe that the success of a lesson[delete "s"] hinges completely on the ability of the teacher to engage pupils in the ideas being taught" - I deleted "their" because "the teacher" is singular and "their" is plural. You could say "his or her pupils," too.

"At looking at the culture that has evolved into individualism" - "At looking at" is awkward; try "In looking at"

"Though this could be argued that staffrooms are a place of relaxation for a teacher, after having to stand up and perform in front of the children all day." - A fragment; change "Though this" to "It"; you can add "however," after "argued."

"This culture could provide a private environment for the teacher but could also negatively reinforce certain teaching practices -- thus not gaining any support but staying secured and rigid in their teaching practices." - I added an em-dash, as it needed some punctuation there.

It can be a safe choice for some, teaching within their own perimeters without any criticism, but lacking any value or support."

"something I am very passionate about. And as a teacher, "

This essay has a smoother flow than the one you were having trouble with earlier -- good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The moral education aim in the Alive 0-8 and Alive 0-4 [8]

Greetings!

Sorry I couldn't get back to you sooner. The thing is, you want to have a clear thesis statement and you want each sentence in a paragraph to relate to the topic of that paragraph. One way would be to add your own experiences in a paragraph of their own, though you wouldn't necessarily have to do it that way. For instance: The aim of moral education is to help children to grow into mature Christians. To do this, a teacher must foster the children's personal and emotional development and allow the children to understand that learning to live like a Christian is a life-long task. This is something I plan to focus on in my teaching career because I feel it is vitally important." See how it flowed naturally into the paragraph?

I hope everything turned out all right for you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The moral education aim in the Alive 0-8 and Alive 0-4 [8]

Greetings!

You have interjected a lot of extra sentences in the opening that make it lose its cohesiveness. It now seems to ramble back and forth between describing moral education in general, Alive as a teaching tool, and your personal goals as a teacher. It is not clear whether your thesis is to do with the importance of a moral education or with the Alive materials.

If you are supposed to include both, it might be best to use your opening to describe the importance of moral education, and then open the second paragraph with something like: "An important tool in developing these moral teachings in school children is Alive ..."

Your conclusion should mirror your introduction to a large degree, so what your closing paragraph says will depend on what you edit your opening paragraph to include.

Hope this helps!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The moral education aim in the Alive 0-8 and Alive 0-4 [8]

Greeetings!

I think you can shorten your opening paragraph a bit and take out the repetition like this:

The aim of moral education is to help children grow into mature Christians. To do this, a teacher must foster the children's personal and emotional development and allow them to understand that learning to live like a Christian is a life-long task. The purpose of the Alive 0-8 and Alive 0-4 curriculum is to assist in the moral development of school children by providing a strong moral foundation.

Some editing suggestions:

difference's - don't use an apostrophe to make plurals. It's differences.

One of the difference mentioned - again, it's plural, so differences.

huge impact on children's lives

"... be inspired to follow Jesus in their own lives like other people for example Mary Magdalene who had a deep commitment and lifelong journey following in Jesus' path." - this is a run-on sentence and the reference to Mary Magdalene seems a little out of place. I think you should put a period after "people" and then add one concluding sentence similar to this: "Together, Alive 0-4 and Alive 0-8 can provide the tools necessary to help children create a strong moral basis for their future lives as Christians."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / paper review in economic [4]

Greetings!

Overall, the essay makes perfect sense to me. You provide a lot of good information on the subject. The only thing I found confusing was this sentence: "how much more and for how long can prove a complicated estimate based on a variety of factors ..." -- it isn't proper grammar and I wasn't sure how to advise you to re-write it because I'm not sure "how much more and for how long" ... what? A complicated estimate of ... what? Perhaps if you re-read your source (Shore) you can find a better way to word this sentence.

But, as I said, I think the essay makes sense and is very informative!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Classification essay - types of pets (500-700 words) [4]

Greetings!

Hey, I love it -- ferrets got their own paragraph! :-)) This sentence needs to be two sentences: "Ferrets need a little more attention than a cat. Even though ferrets can be kept in a cage, they need time to run around out of the cage at least three hours a day."

Here, put the comma inside the quotation mark: "grow up,"

Also, I may have overstated the case for ferret supervision; I wouldn't say they need "constant" supervision so much as "careful" supervision -- if the house has been checked for holes and hazards, the ferret should be all right for a while. I have known people who claimed their ferrets were litter-box trained but mine would never be consistent with it.

You have done an excellent job of editing your essay! Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Is the deterministic universe described by physics incompatible with free will or god existance? [5]

You're welcome! Sorry I couldn't get to you sooner; we try to respond within 24 hours. I'd be happy to take a look at your next assignment when it's ready!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / graded research paper not so hot [4]

Greetings!

We can't email you privately, but I am happy to help you here on the site. Although it's a little difficult for me to tell without having your source as a reference, it appears to me that the problem was that you didn't credit your source when you paraphrased -- at all. I'm sure you know to cite your source when you quote directly, but it is also plagiarism to paraphrase without giving credit. Any time the ideas you express come from another source besides your own brain, you need to put in a citation. If you are taking words you read in a book and re-writing them in your own words, it is still plagiarism not to give credit to the text you used.

There are loads of good sites on the internet which explain citations, paraphrasing, references, and so on. Doing a quick Google search with those terms should yield quite a few, if you'd like to read more about it.

Also, for your next paper, don't rely too heavily on spell-check to catch your spelling mistakes; go through it carefully. When you are writing a research paper about a "diary" and consistently spell it "dairy" it can make your teacher cranky. :-))

Good luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / paper review in economic [4]

Greetings!

It can certainly be a challenge writing on a complex subject in a foreign language. Here are some
things to look for as you're proofreading your paper.

Articles (a, an, the) - Most of the time, nouns require them. For example: Sandy Shore, who is a business writer, wrote an article about ..." [Also, notice the commas I added.] You have several places where articles are missing, such as: "was published in the news"

Occasionally, you put in an article where it does not belong: "representing the [delete "the"] at least one half"

Word choice: make sure you are saying what you really intended. For example: "One of the feedlots said he will have to pay more ..." - I doubt that it was a feedlot talking; perhaps you meant a feedlot owner?

"Seeing this western storm will cause a decrease in supply, increase in demand. One of the determinants [add "s"] of supply is the occurrence of natural disasters [add "s"].

"But for the consumer if the price of beef [need verb] by 5%," - If the price of beef increases?

"how much more and for how long can prove a complicated estimate based on a variety of factors ..." - This is a little little confusing. I can't really re-write it for you because it doesn't completely make sene to me.

"the quantity supplied monthly in West area" - "in West area" isn't quite right; perhaps "in the western U.S." or "in the western states"?

Watch for subject-verb agreement: "as consumers [add "s"] substitute"

"There are some substitutions goods for beef" - I'm not sure if you mean "substitution goods" [meaning products which can be substituted] or "some good substitutes for beef"; the second might be a better choice.

"Natural disaster-related economic losses." - This is a sentence fragment, unless you are using it as a heading for a new section of your paper.

"What overwhelms us is population." - This is the first time you have mentioned population. If this the end of your essay, and you are not going on to discuss population in a following section, don't suddenly bring that aspect into your paper; it doesn't fit.

I hope these comments are helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Is the deterministic universe described by physics incompatible with free will or god existance? [5]

Greetings!

Yes, I caught your gloomy mood, lol. I'll play some sprightly Bach while I answer you ... ;-))

"the theory is compatible with the existence of God because of two reasons;" - It would sound a bit more elegant to say "for two reasons" instead of "because of." Also, use a colon [:] instead of a semicolon here and do not capitalize the first letter of the word following the colon.

"Firstly, determinism does not apply to both large scale and quantum scale processes and therefore does not exclude the existence of small scale free will." - Is the non-applicability of determinism to quantum scale processes an accepted view, or is this your own interpretation? It would be best to make this clear. Do you need to define "quantum scale" for people like me who might not be sure what you meant, or is this such a well-known term in the field that you feel it is unnecessary? Just something to think about.

"Secondly, an observer's mere existence makes it impossible to actually predict the future." - Solely on the basis of what you have written thus far, this assertion does not follow logically to me. However, if you are about to go on and explain why an observer's mere existence makes it impossible to predict the future, then it's fine.

The language and subject matter of the assignment are rather weighty, but I think you're off to a great start!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'BETWEEN YOU AND I: MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY' - for honors application [6]

Greetings!

I think you're probably right -- it is pretty random, and that may be what they were aiming for -- to have you jump into the middle of things and see how creative you could be with that. Give it some thought and really go let your imagination run!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / CATS; Indoor/ Outdoor / Indoor-Outdoor [7]

Hey, no problem! Yes, I know, you're right -- indoor kitties statistically live much longer. When I lived in the city, I didn't let my cat go outside -- cars are too dangerous! Here at the lake, I have a pet door so they can run back inside if they get pestered by other animals -- that's been working well for almost ten years now! I'm always happy to talk to another cat lover! :-))

Get some rest and take care!

Sarah

Essays / 'incredibly rewarding career' sociology journal response [6]

Greetings!

I think you have a great start here! I'll give you my editing suggestions:

In my teacher career - say, "In my teaching career"

The reason I would like to be a teacher is because I love working with children, helping them to excel in education and for myself the teacher to be consistent and a stable figure in their educated lives. - This is a run-on sentence. Put a period after education and re-word the last part; it's a bit confusing.

To praise them for their hard work and encourage them to fulfil their dreams. - This is a sentence fragment.

I have dedicated a lot of time in order to fulfill my dream of teaching- it has been my aspiration[delete the 's'] since childhood

but this was never really encouraged out of me - You can say "this was never encouraged in me" or "this was never brought out in me" but not "encouraged out of ..."

'fearas' needed for the week ahead. - Put a question mark at the end, since you asked a question. I've never heard of "fearas" -- is that an Irish word? :-)

Constantly scouring places for items of use in the classroom for teaching aids, recycling items of use for art projects and planning the next terms work. - it's "next term's work."

The teacher needs to have a mixture of qualities otherwise everyone could be teachers. - You need some punctuation in this sentence, perhaps a semicolon after qualities and comma after otherwise. However, the logic of the statement is a bit weak.

Everything discussed on a day to day basis s teaching, lecturer's talk about teaching subjects areas and Hargreaves sums up this idea well when he states ' - This sentence is a bit garbled.

This idea is vastly true, the relationships we secure when training have a huge impact on our future teaching career to relate to staff in the school, principals and students alike. - This is a run-on sentence.

Hargreaves concern as to whether there is something very 'teacherish' (pg.218) about teachers. - Make it possessive: Hargreaves' concern.

Keep working on it -- good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Combi boilers/ Direct Vs Indirect methods of cold water supply [5]

Greetings!

I thought we might be in luck, because I have a union boilermaker visiting me this evening -- but even he does not know anything about "combi boilers" and "indirect water supply"! Part of the problem may be that these are apparently U.K. terms. I ran an internet search using those terms and did get several hits, all U.K. sites. I would suggest you do the same and see if what you come up with makes sense to you. It appeared to me that there is information available that could be of use to you.

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "Living at the time of Copernicus" - Proper Thesis For a 4-page Paper [5]

It's a rewarding job, but knowing that makes it even more worthwhile! You made my week! (And I hope the next week is better for you!) You're very, very welcome! :-))

Sarah

Book Reports / 'The riddles in A Feast of Creatures' - Comment and critique on intro and conclusion [2]

Greetings!

It appears your Intro and Conclusion are exactly the same, word for word. I'm thinking that you may have accidentally pasted in the same one twice ...? At any rate, I'll address the one that's here.

"The purpose of a poem is not only for simple pleasure and entertainment, the purpose of these particular poems are a riddle within a riddle." - Besides being a run-on sentence, the two parts of the sentence are apples and oranges. The first part makes a broad statement about the purpose of poems in general; the second part refers to these specific poems. I'd take out the first phrase entirely and re-word the second: "The purpose of these three poems is to create a riddle within a riddle."

"The three poems of discussion included a riddle not blatantly exposing the answer, another hinting the answer by giving the letters, and one that gave the answer in the riddle itself." - This sentence is a little difficult to understand. Better might be, "The three poems include, respectively, a riddle not blatantly exposing the answer, another hinting at the answer by giving the letters [what letters? be more specific], and one that gave the answer in the riddle itself."

"Though the broadened, or deepened, perception on the world may have differed from reader to reader, the riddles purpose was still seen through: for the reader to gain understanding." - This sentence is confusing and the conclusion it makes, "to gain understanding," sounds rather simplistic to me, although, admittedly, I have not read the poems and cannot say for sure.

"One's purpose in life may still be an inscrutable and mysterious matter for now; and thus, meaning that life is similar to the Sphinx." - I can't really make sense of this sentence. I think you may have tried to pare down the Sphinx reference to the point where the connection is lost.

I hope these comments are helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / CATS; Indoor/ Outdoor / Indoor-Outdoor [7]

Greetings!

I've had all three types of cats as well, and I do agree with much of what you wrote. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with the information you supply; I was only questioning the way you expressed some of the details of your classifications. It can be tricky trying to narrow, refine, and clarify without making sweeping all-or-nothing statements that are not factually correct when closely analyzed.

Perhaps you should consider slightly revamping your classifications. For example, much of what you say about outdoor cats is entirely true of cats which are feral or semi-feral -- in other words, cats that are not socialized to humans as pets. And indoor cats are certainly more likely to be taken to the vet than cats which do not have "owners" (although, as we all know, "dogs have 'owners,' cats have 'staff' ").

You definitely do a good job of distinguishing the classifications, that is, drawing constrasts between the three types of cats. I just think it's a little misleading to treat all "outdoor" cats as if they are homeless, wild creatures. I agreed with essentially everything you said about indoor-outdoor cats except the implication that indoor cats are taken to the vet more often. How often a cat sees a vet is entirely determined by the devotion (and bank account) of the owner, not by where the cat lives.

I hope this helps to clarify some of my suggestions. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'BETWEEN YOU AND I: MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY' - for honors application [6]

Greetings!

What an interesting topic! Even more so, the fact that they want page 147! This is something you could have fun with. Let's begin by looking at it logically, before addressing the creative aspects.

Page 147 would probably be near the end of the book (depending on how much you crammed into your life!) so you could either think in terms of it as a summary of the book, or simply choose an event from the later years of your life. In 25 years, you'll be, what, 42 or 43? That is old enough to have achieved some success in your chosen profession. I don't know what your major is, so I can't give an example specific to you, but if, for instance, you were planning on being a lawyer, you could write about being the youngest Chief Justice ever to sit on the Supreme Court!

Or, you could be a little less predictable and more creative; you could invent an unusual circumstance that happened to you on one particular day. If you enjoy creative writing, you could demonstrate your writing skills by making it more about the significance of one little detail -- a problem you must solve at work that creates an ethical crisis, for example. The point of this approach would be to demonstrate not only your writing skills but your problem-solving abilities and moral integrity as well.

I hope these ideas are helpful to you. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / 'incredibly rewarding career' sociology journal response [6]

Greetings!

This is a very personal sort of response, so really only you can write it. I'll try to give you an example, though.

You could start with a more general statement and move on to specifics: "The fictional accounts had a profound impact on my perspective about teaching as a profession and my place in that profession." Then you would go on to give examples from the readings and comment on how they affected you.

I hope this gives you some ideas to get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "Living at the time of Copernicus" - Proper Thesis For a 4-page Paper [5]

Greetings!

Your essay has developed nicely! I'll just give you a few editing suggestions:

While the Ptolemaic model of the universe was supported at the time - Take out this repetition.

well-known Greek philosopher named Aristotle - It's almost an understatement to call Aristotle "well-known." I might choose "revered" as an adjective.

Fire, Air, Water, and Earth were the earthly elements and ether made up the heavens including the stars, sun, moon, and planets - this wording is a little confusing. Perhaps "fire, air, water and earth, the earthly elements; ether made up the heavens ..."

"Deferents". - If you are using American English, remember to put the period inside the quotation mark. Also, are you sure "deferents" should be capitalized?

In his new theory, Copernicus' tried to resolve this complexity - Take out the apostrophe.

man might well be the greatest object under God's care: if, however, the earth was one of many planets - a semicolon would be better here than a colon.

a paradigm shift ,as explained by Khun. - Typo: your comma should have a space after it, rather than before.

This is exactly what occurred during Copernicus' lifetime; Astronomers gathered large amounts of data - Use a colon here instead of a semicolon, and don't capitalize astronomers.

did not see his theory as a "better" one that the current one. - Typo: than, not that.

An excellent essay and an interesting read! Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / cause and effect essay on the new "Polytrack" or artificial cushon [5]

Greetings!

I'm not sure what kind of help you are asking for. Are you needing ideas for your cause and effect essay? If so, it would be helpful if you would post the assignment instructions so I can understand exactly what it is you are to write.

If you already have something written, post it here and I will help you with editing it.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / CATS; Indoor/ Outdoor / Indoor-Outdoor [7]

Greetings!

I have three kitties, so this is a subject near and dear to my heart! :-))

You make some good points and provide some important information. I do find a few flaws in your logic, though.

"The different environments these three groups of domestic cats exist in are what make them different in every other way." - This sounds like an overstatement to me. They are different in some ways, but surely not "every other way."

"Indoor cats are cleaner and healthier, because they are more likely to be taken to the veterinarian. " - I have to disagree with this. My cats are indoor-outdoor country cats and go to the veterinarian as often as any indoor cat -- whenever they need to.

"This type of cat tends to be more of a lap cat, than the others." - You don't need the comma in this sentence. Also, my indoor-outdoor lap cats might tend to disagree with your assertion.

"Outdoor cats spend most of their time looking for food and trying to be safe from predators." - This is only true if the outdoor cat does not have a caretaker who feeds it, and if predators are present. There are not that many predators who hunt for cats -- although a dog might be a danger, even if not technically a predator who hunts for cats. You are essentially describing feral or semi-feral cats, but there are also tame outdoor cats who do not fit your description.

"Indoor-outdoor cats have the best of both worlds they do not have to look for food and they can go outside for exercise." - This is a run-on sentence. Put a period or semicolon after "worlds."

"The best way for a cat to be raised depends on the owner's preferences ..." - I can't really see what an owner's "preferences" has to do with it. A person might "prefer" to totally neglect his cat, and that would not be "best."

As I said, you have some good information here. I think you just need to be a bit more careful with your word choices. Make sure when you make an assertion that it is factual, and applicable to the specific situation you are describing.

I hope this is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / All Quiet On the Western Front - academic essay on Betrayal [2]

Greetings!

What an excellent essay! I enjoyed reading it very much! I have only a few editing suggestions:

the chivalry of soldiers in combat, fighting for their motherland, [put comma here] was

they believed they understood, [add comma] but they could not. [don't use contractions]

These disappointed youths that were misled into believing that the war would glory, honor, and an act of patriotism were exposed to the truth of the war. - This sentence is a little mangled; I suspect it is an editing mistake.

Very nice job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Behavioral Support, Social relationships & Peer support. [2]

Greetings!

I think you've written a great essay! Most of my observations have to do with punctuation.

"Behavior Support", "Social Relationships and Peer Relationship ", - In American English, we always put commas and periods inside the quotation mark, even though it's not part of the quote itself:

"Behavior Support," "Social Relationships and Peer Relationship,"

Hyphenate self-management skills.

The author gives - I think you mean "the authors give" since there are two authors.

In your bulleted list, check the parentheses; you left one off, and another is not spaced properly.

facilitating social relationship between students - make it "relationships"

the authors (Janney & Snell), state [delete "s"] that the teaching strategies used to promote effective social skills include direct instruction. The strategies also include incidental teaching in natural contexts where social skills come into play. - This might sound better if it were one sentence:

"... the teaching strategies used to promote effective social skills include direct instruction and incidental teaching in natural contexts where social skills come into play."

the use of picture [delete "s"] cues -

In Chapter 3, Social relationships and Peer Support, the authors Snell and Janney, also share more information about modeling and role-playing." - This sentence seems out of place. Are you jumping from Chapter 3 to Chapter 4, back to 3, and then 13? It's a little confusing.

should it be changed using the functional assessment and intervention model described?

say, "I'm sorry" ,sit quietly, - Do the commas like this: say, "I'm sorry," sit quietly,

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "Living at the time of Copernicus" - Proper Thesis For a 4-page Paper [5]

I think you have an excellent start! I like the characterization of Copernicus's theory as "aesthetically pleasing." That's one I've not heard before.

I like your revision. I was just about to suggest that you change "nor" for "or" when I saw your newest post.

The only other suggestion I would make is a hyphen: "As a result, an average person evaluating Copernicus' heliocentric model would not have found it convincing enough to discard the well-established Ptolemaic model of the time."

Other than that, I think you are in great shape with your thesis!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Memories are something everyone has! - SAT [2]

Greetings!

It's good to get input from someone who has just been through it, so thanks, aznpoo! I will give you my impressions as well.

I think you don't really address an important part of the prompt: "Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations." Your essay gives some broad assertions and general statements of alleged fact without any supporting evidence. This is what aznpoo means by "prove it!" Here are some ideas for examples you could use to "prove" your assertions:

Nazi Germany - (This is a classic example that is often used with regard to "learning from the past.") Using memories of what happened there in WWII can help Germans and people of other nations build better governments.

On a smaller scale, unfortunate events such as being arrested for drunk driving or being expelled for cheating on an exam, while they may invoke painful memories, can be used as life lessons that will prove extremely valuable.

Beware of overly simplistic statements such as "Memories are something everyone has." While true, it is such an obvious statement that it is rather elementary. Try something more to the point like, "Memories, and how they are dealt with, can have a significant impact on the path a person takes in life."

Look out for tricky spellings. Instead of "Understanding what has past" you want "Understanding what has passed." The noun is "the past"; the verb is "passed."

Best of luck with your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / How to write a research paper on a novel? [5]

Greetings!

With such a famous novel, you should have no trouble finding books and articles that others have written exploring the themes presented. Do some internet searches and read what others have done; this should give you a better idea of how to approach the research paper.

You asked, "Do you use information you've researched as a guideline and not actually use any information from it?" That wouldn't really be a research paper; were you not given specific instructions? Your instructor should have told you what type of citation form to use, as well. If you don't have a hand-out with detailed instructions, maybe you could check with a classmate to find out if you missed anything, or, if all else fails, ask the teacher! It would be a shame to put a lot of work into it only to find out that it was not done the way the instructor wanted it.

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Short Essay on The Crucible [4]

And I appreciate your letting me know! Thank you!

Sarah

Essays / "1990's and what happened" - intro and conclusion help [2]

Greetings!

I think the conclusion is pretty good now, although the last sentence could be a bit stronger. Perhaps, "These three events impacted the United States in ways which continue to exert influence today."

Your introduction is still a bit rough.

"It began with the first African-American to obtain higher ranking in politics and the overcoming of a racial divide." - Avoid passive voice such as "the overcoming of"; it weakens your writing.

"As the year progressed on, the United States enters into the Persian Gulf." - You have switched to present tense here; say "entered" -- and the U.S. did not "enter the Persian Gulf" -- it launched a war in the Persian Gulf.

"Also, the immense innovational attack of the Africanized Honey Bee occurred in America." - I'm not sure exactly what to make of "immense innovational attack." You mean the bees were innovators? This doesn't make sense to me.

"The impact of 1990 in America came unexpectedly due to Douglas Wilder's accomplishment in racial diversity in politics, the country's entrance into international foreign affairs, and the African killer bee's migration to America." - I don't really think you mean "the impact came unexpectedly." What about "The impact of these three events -- Douglas Wilder's political success, the Gulf War, and the migration of killer bees -- created lasting changes in this country that re-shaped the American ethos."

Hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / How to write a research paper on a novel? [5]

Greetings!

It would be helpful if I knew how your assignment was worded. What is it that you are "researching"? Reaction to the book? Literary criticism of it? Interpretations such as "what are the themes presented in the book?"

From what I can tell, the samples you were given would be the correct approach, that is, research how others have interpreted and critiqued the novel, present their arguments, then support or refute their interpretations with quotations/examples from the book.

If you'd like to tell me how your assignment was worded, I might be able to be more helpful.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Short Essay on The Crucible [4]

Greetings!

What a well-written essay! I enjoyed reading it very much! I cannot agree that you "beat around the bush" at all, though. It seems to me that you not only came to a solid conclusion but wrapped up the ending very nicely with your last sentence. I love how you create a sort of triumverate of neglect of poor Abigail -- that of Salem, the play, and the audience.

The only correction I can make is to this sentence: "Abigail is a small-minded girl overflowed with resentment." I think more appropriate would be "overflowing."

Truly excellent work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Letters / Personal information, interests, etc. - Resume and cover letter [6]

Greetings!

I'll be happy to address both the cover letter and resume questions for you. I think the cover letter is excellent! The only question I have is regarding the "Application for publications writer position as a volunteer" sentence at the beginning. It sounds like the sort of thing that would go in a "Re: ..." line, which should come before "Dear Sir/Madam." In other words, below the address would be "Re: Application for publications writer position as a volunteer."

Now, for the resume:

While you're correct that you are more specific about your skills in the body of your resume, my thinking was that the "Objective" is the first thing to grab the reader's attention, and you want to make as much of an impact as you can. I didn't fully realize that this was just an internship, so yes, you're right about not needing to focus so much on the firm's benefit. I would suggest reducing your Objective to one sentence, something like this:

"To obtain an internship in an investment firm utilising my business and economics background to expand my knowledge and experience in the area of Financial Services."

I like your revision of "To develop my interpersonal communication and working skill in an active business environment."

Excellent work, and best of luck to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Money is one of the greatest tools in life [5]

Greetings!

Timcago has done a great job of editing, thank you! I have only a few more suggestions to make to what Tim has done:

"I will put my sister back in school" - To keep your verb tenses consistent, say "I would put my sister ..."

Don't capitalize "data entry at a pharmaceutical company."

"I want to give the best for my family." - The phrase should be either "I want the best for my family" or "I want to give the best to my family."

"In that case, I can also help my cousins that didn't work." - Better would be "If I did that, I could also help my cousins who cannot find work."

You probably have another paragraph, too, for your closing, yes? If not, you'll need one.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'Do not stop questioning' - essay regarding my 3 core traits [3]

Greetings!

Normally, when quoting, you would cite parenthetically, using APA or MLA or some other citation form. It could take a bit of work to find sources for the Cicero and Einstein quotes, and your instructor might not require citation in this type of essay, but it's best to be sure. I'm not aware of the tilde (~) being used in that manner.

"sometimes deeper perspective than most people"

"nurtured not natured" - although this is a sort of clever play on words, you should be aware that "natured" is an adjective, rather than a verb, as you used it here.

"in-ability" - should be "inability"

said "yah, if only it was called bahny, you talk funny" he chuckled. - the quoted part is run-on; there should be a period after 'Bahny' -- which should also be capitalized and put in quotes. Leave off "he chuckled" since you already used "said."

"God's omnipotence" and "God's nature" require an apostrophe to form the possessive.

I made several corrections in this sentence, noted in bold: "He followed up with the logical argument that if non-failure is a part of the Christian God's nature, then if it is possible for the Christian God to fail, its existence is impossible."

"the most in-demand product" ... "overnight"

You've written a good essay! The only other suggestion I would make is to add a last sentence which has more of a summing-up feeling of finality.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / My motivation to do graduate work [2]

Greetings!

I'm sorry, it is not possible to answer posts privately. I'd be happy to give you my editing suggestions here if you'd like; just let me know!

Sarah, EssayFoum.com

Writing Feedback / Your career must compliment yourself; Career Choice [3]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help!

"In this decision many factor weigh" is not proper grammatical construction. How about "There are many factors involved in deciding on a career ..."

"The more I ponder these, the more I realize one thing: Your career must compliment yourself." - after a colon, don't use a capital letter: "your"; also, better would be "your career must complement who you are." Notice the spelling.

"employee's" - Never use an apostrophe to make a plural. (This is one of my pet peeves; it's becoming an epidemic!) - "employees"

Make these two sentences into one: "However, too many times that is not true, and the career choice comes from family pressure or financial motives rather than personal talent evaluation."

"The decision should take into great consideration" - I think "careful consideration" would be better.

It's a very good essay! Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com