Writing Feedback / "poor countries in the world" - wealthy nations to be required to share their wealth? [12]

Your essay jumps around between the two opposing views a bit too much. Also, you don't mention a single specific country, wealthy or poor, by name. As a result, your essay seems a bit vague and underdeveloped. Try adding some specific examples to back up your points, and your essay will become much stronger.

Writing Feedback / Ielts essay. Working women and children [8]


You might want to talk a bit about why this division of labor might have existed. The assertion itself is accurate enough, despite some now-discredited theories about prehistorical primitive societies. However, you give no reason why this division of labor should have been particularly beneficial to children, or why things ought to have been that way. There is often a rather large gap between is and ought, and you don't really bridge it at the moment.


Again, you might want to go into a bit more detail about the reasons for this trend, which started well before the 1980s. The notion of universal equality, entrenched in the Declaration of Independence, hence in the national consciousness, has something to do with it. So too does the historical fact of women entering the industrialized work force during wartime, while the menfolk were off killing other menfolk.

The rest of your essay suffers from the same lack of depth. You don't really look in detail at how working mothers might provide alternative sources of care for their children, or at what effects the absence of a stay-at-home mother might have on children. Where you do touch on these topics, you provide no evidence for your assertions. Try revising your essay to contain more explanations and examples to prove your points.

Writing Feedback / The eating habits and lifestyle of children in different countries/generations. [10]

I get the idea that this is meant as a response to a test prompt, in which you have to write an essay in a very compressed time frame, with no chance to do any research. If that is so, then this essay is okay. Otherwise, it would behoove you to do some research, and to actually look at trends such as increasing life expectancy, increasing average height, increasing IQs, and other factors often partially attributed to better levels of overall nutrition. Supersize Me is a documentary in the same way Michael Moore's films are, which is to say not at all. Looking at more reputable research sources would have given you a stronger case, and you wouldn't have found yourself running out of things to say.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Museums as a form of entertainment or education? [4]

You could even have argued that the best forms of education are those that entertain. There is considerable evidence that play evolved as a natural form of enjoyable learning. Given that, the notion that there must be a dichotomy between education and entertainment, as the prompt implies, is questionable at best.

Writing Feedback / Corporate Case Study, XXX-Car [5]

It also wouldn't hurt to do some research on how real car companies have been handling economic pressures. The American car industry really has been suffering from the sorts of problems outlined in the assignment, so why not find out what strategies various auto companies have tried, and which have shown some likelihood of being successful?

Essays / Essay on myself, how to write it? [35]

You don't have to be a professional writer to give useful feedback on other people's writing. After all, most writing is not done for an audience of trained writers. As a reader, you can give your overall impression of a piece of writing, whether it interested you or not, what parts specifically you liked, what aspects particularly bored you, etc. At the very least you can point out typos and simple grammatical errors. Moreover, the best possible way to learn a craft is to teach it. In trying your best to analyze other people's writing and to articulate the reasons for your own reaction to it, you become better at writing yourself, and that's the whole purpose of this site.

Book Reports / The Mexican by Jack London :" the effect Rivera's traumatic chilhood"? [6]

You might also start by going through the book and pulling out key quotations that seem relevant to the topic. So, highlight passages in which Rivera suffers traumatic childhood experiences, and passages in which he expresses his enthusiasm for the Junta's revolution. That will narrow down the amount of material you have to analyze.

Scholarship / What should I do with the opening? (applying for a scholarship) [7]

Conciseness is good. That said, the best writers employ a variety of sentence lengths and structures to keep their writing interesting. If all of its sentences are the same length, whether short, medium-length, or long, an essay will begin to wear on the reader.

Opening with a meaningful narrative, as you plan to do, is a strong technique for drawing the reader in, so you seem to be on the right track there. So, write up a draft and post it here, and we will try to give you more specific feedback on your personal writing style.

Letters / Invitation letter for visa - British Embassy in Cameron. Can you check grammar and spelling mistakes [3]

Your first sentence is a fragment, and should be merged with the following one:

"I, Sara Maria, resident in the UK as a British citizen and full time student at Greenwich University (Old Royal Naval College, Park Row, SE10 9LS, London, UK., would like to invite my parents, Mr Serg and Mrs Rosa Domingos Marcial Manuel, to visit me in the UK in order to attend my wedding ceremony with Mr Ant Sara, to be held in London on the 22nd of August 2009"

"Mrs Rosa Domingos Marcial Manuel's passport number is D0, date of issue 09/02/2004, date of expiry 06/01/2010, "


And here we have a comma splice. Note the change in punctuation in this revised version:

"Mr. Serg and Mrs Rosa Domingos Marcial Manuel are both Angolan citizens with diplomatic passport; they are going to arrive in the UK on the 19th of August 2009 and they will be staying for one week."

"During their stay in the UK, they will be staying with me at my apartment at 104 Oak land, New Morlen,London, UK."

Essays / Would you risk fraud conviction... to feed your children? Essay [7]

You should try to come up with some ideas on your own. Start by asking yourself questions, and then trying to think through the answers:

1. What would happen to the welfare system if everyone who used it engaged in fraud? (Kant's categorical imperative).

2. Why is fraud normally considered wrong?

3. What, if anything, about the condition of being poor would render the principles upon which fraud is generally considered wrong invalid?

4. As you found Simone's example so convincing, you might ask yourself what parallels exist between that example and the case of the woman who committed welfare fraud. What would the owner of the door likely think of it being broken down to save someone in the room behind it (especially if he was that person)? What would the "owner" of the welfare system think of its being defrauded?

The answers you come up with to these questions will be the raw ideas you need for your essay, and will tend to suggest other examples and analogies you can draw on to support your thesis.

Writing Feedback / Prescribed drugs and its various effects on the body and mind [8]

I am not sure that the "On the one hand . . . on the other hand" structure is appropriate here. The psychological and physical side effects are not really opposed to each other. Rather, they are two different aspects of the same unfortunate phenomenon.

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Review, "Newton" (Rutgers University) [7]


It's okay to say that you are an avid reader -- I just wouldn't mention that you read by quota rather than for personal edification.

Graduate / SOP for PhD in mechanical/industrial engineering [14]

And don't forget that your statement of purpose should deal with what you hope to accomplish in your PhD. A fair number of the SOPs people post here end up not really discussing the authors' purpose at all, which is clearly a problem for them.

Essays / Would you risk fraud conviction... to feed your children? Essay [7]

You might also look at what types of fraud the essayist believes are permissible, and why fraud should be considered acceptable yet outright force should not. Of course, the essayist may also believe that violent crime should be an acceptable alternative, in which case you could discuss that, too. Certainly, if you are taking the position that the poor should not resort to crime, then you should look at how fraud can be seen merely as an extension of force, as most people react more negatively to the idea of violence in crime than to the idea of trickery.

Essays / Four essay topics: dream, families, future career, island [6]

The other three essays seem as if they can be done based largely off of your own opinions using general knowledge, whereas the one you are worried about seems as if it requires you to do a bit of research before you begin writing. So, you might start by doing some research on Euro integration and how it has affected various professions. Likely there is some information on your own planned profession, or on a similar one that you can draw parallels to.

Scholarship / medical doctor for a postgraduate scholarship [6]

Again, a good place to start would to write about your goals. What do you hope to accomplish in the medical profession? How will doing a residency in trauma surgery help you to accomplish those goals? Why do you think this particular hospital would be a good place to pursue those goals? And so on.

Graduate / Career objectives for Electonics and instrumentation engineer [6]

And in addition to the "what," you might want to touch on the "why". Why are you drawn to engineering? Why do you want to work for Bosch specifically? Answering these questions with help the person reading your essay to understand what you hope to accomplish by pursuing a career in engineering.

Writing Feedback / Leaders in my life (16 years so far) [8]

In other words, you can take out pretty much everything you have at the moment. Start again, this time trying to focus more on answering the prompt very specifically. Before you begin your new draft, why don't you try imagining how you would be different from who you are now if you had grown up without your father. That might help you to identify the most important ways your father has influenced you.

Scholarship / medical doctor for a postgraduate scholarship [6]

Well, why don't you start by writing in detail about what you want? We can't help you too much there -- we don't know you, what your career goals are, why you need a post-graduate scholarship, or why or even if you deserve to receive one. So, brainstorm the answers to these questions, then write up your ideas into a draft and post it here. Then, we will have some material to work with when we try to help you.

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Review, "Newton" (Rutgers University) [7]


This strikes me as a bit off. It's good that you want to educate yourself and that you read a lot, but reading simply to make up the numbers isn't necessarily a good thing. What matters is how much you enjoy what you read, what sort of texts you read, and how much you retain of the material. I don't know -- maybe it's just me, but this description of your reading habits didn't have quite the impressive impression you seemed to be aiming for as far as I was concerned.

Writing Feedback / There are many places that wait their visitors; Turkish Tourism Culture [4]

At the moment, you have so few details that you could turn this into a single paragraph, and, once you fixed up the grammar, it would probably be pretty good. You just don't have enough material here to sustain a five paragraph essay, though. If need a paper that is a full length essay, you will have to do some research, find out how many tourists Turkey gets in a year, how much tourism revenue each of the activities you mention generates, and so on. Don't forget to cite your sources.

Writing Feedback / GRE analytical writing ..TOPIC (preservation on endangered species) [7]


It's not so much that you need to justify this statement, per se. You should of course rewrite it so that it is a grammatically correct comparison, but it is fairly self-evident that human beings should and will value their own survival over that of other species. Even Simone's argument about the importance of biodiversity doesn't challenge this idea so much as claim that the loss of ecological biodiversity is in fact a problem related to human survival. You further do recognize that this is the case later on in your essay. Your main problem is that, having said you agree with the quote, you sort of end up arguing against it throughout most of your essay. Your thesis should be, from the outset, that nature should be altered and shaped to meet human needs, but that those needs may require the preservation of biodiversity. At least, that's what your essay seems to be arguing. Then, you could look more closely at what that would mean. Alternatively, you could look at some of the drawbacks and advantages to biodiversity. So, biodiversity means species have more resistance to plagues, but it also means that plagues are more likely to emerge that are dangerous to humans. Of course, if you take that approach, you will have to do a lot more rewriting, and the first approach will require quite a bit already.

Undergraduate / "Elaborate on one of your extra-curriculars" - 150 words or less - critique? [9]

This is an excellent essay. In fact, I'd say it's probably as strong as you can make an essay in which you are limited to so few words. Your style and way of describing your performance tell us so much about you that it makes up for the explicit details about your feelings about dancing that you have to leave out.

Undergraduate / Undergraduates essay to UCF [5]

Your current essay is more the sort of thing you might write for a "expand on one of your activities" prompt. It doesn't really deal with the prompt you say you have to write on, though. There are some details that might touch on the topic, but not enough for your purposes. Try writing a new essay after brainstorming answers to the prompt questions.

Essays / first few lines of an essay about a person [4]

Also, what do you want the essay to say about yourself? What impression are you trying to give? The answers to these questions will guide the brainstorming and freewriting Simone suggested.

Undergraduate / "Elaborate on one of your extra-curriculars" - 150 words or less - critique? [9]

Well, the details you need to add shouldn't take up too much extra room, so throw them in, and then post the draft here, and we'll see what we can cut.

Undergraduate / "Elaborate on one of your extra-curriculars" - 150 words or less - critique? [9]

This is pretty good. Now, tell us what sort of dance you practice, how long you have been training, and what performance you are describing, and you'll be well on your way to having a submittable essay.

Writing Feedback / Changed in Everyday Life Caused by New Technology [4]

Okay, I know you writing this essay to practice grammar, but still, why are you writing this essay? All you are saying is that modern technology allows us to do things faster and more easily. If you are going to practice essay writing, you might as well practice finding interesting and insightful approaches to your topics, too. For instance, you might look at both the benefits and drawbacks of these developments, and then evaluate them to decide whether the cost is worth the gain.

Graduate / Advice Needed: Letter of Intent for Public Administration (MPA) admission [5]


Don't say that. It is far too vague to be of use. You could as easily want to work as a volunteer garbage collector as anything else, with that sort of sentiment. (My city is in the middle of a garbage strike, so believe me, in such a role you would be helping others and making a difference). Say what Simone said instead, which is actually quite different and much more interesting. Or, choose the area of non-profit work that seems most interesting to you at the moment and write about how you'd like to do that -- this letter isn't a binding contract, so you can always change your mind later if you find yourself growing more passionate about a different area of non-profit work.

At the moment, you clearly state how you became interested in non-profit work, and offer substantial proof of your interest in such work through your list of non-profit related activities. What you don't do is explain why non-profit work appeals. Why not find work as a police officer or firefighter, which would pay well, have good benefits, and still involve helping others and making a difference? Or go into politics? Or do any one of a hundred other things that would fit your description of what you want to do while still allowing you to pursue financial success? Why do you want to make a difference through non-profit, in other words? If you can answer this question, your essay will become much stronger.

Research Papers / Research paper on scientific research [9]

I'm confused. If you wanted to write an essay on how the U.S.'s war on drugs is based on moral panic rather than sound science, why did you not in fact write such an essay? Finding articles in support of it would have been easy. If that is what you are interested in, then try writing on that topic.

Essays / Essay about me and my friend who slipped into the waterfall - how to write it? [7]

And think about what point you want to make. A short story can be written merely to entertain, but an essay normally has a clear point, even if it is implicit in the narrative rather than explicit in the intro. So, you will have to decide what point you want to make, and then choose details that bolster that thesis. This will likely also heavily influence how you structure the story.

Writing Feedback / Tv's influences on culture... who can help me to correct this essay? [9]

You should also add more specific examples. Actually, wait, that's not exactly right. You should add specific examples, period, as you do not have any at all at the moment. You have written an entire essay on television's influence on culture without mentioning a single specific television program.


For example? Gov't X reported Y, which we know to be false because of Z. This had a series of negative effects, A, B, C, D, etc.


For example? Country X produces cartoon Y, which can be seen as exporting value set Z. This has ravaged culture A, by resulting in C, D, etc.


And again, for example? By now you get the general idea. Go through the essay, and add specific examples throughout to prove your points, and your essay will be much stronger.

Essays / The Importance Of Parents in Child's Life. [20]

Of course, one could also approach the topic from the opposite angle. Perhaps the importance of parents in a child's life is defined more by the child's innate love of the parents, whether the parents deserve it or not, than by the parents love or lack of it for the child. That is, parents have such power to nurture or to harm their children because their children love them, and those we love always have more power over us than those we care nothing for.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; SHARE WEALTH AMONG POORER NATIONS [12]

And, as I indicated you should do with this essay, start by defining your key terms. So, in this case, you might have defined what it means to be wealthy, how nations attain this status, what it means to be poor, how other nations attain this status, and so on. This will often give you a set of premises to build on. For instance, consider the following two views of wealth:

A) Wealth consists of finite resources that can be consumed for human benefit. Anyone who obtains more wealth than others therefore does so at their expense, by taking wealth that is no longer available for others to draw on.

B) Wealth is generated by productive activity. Wealth, like money, is therefore made, not found, created, not discovered. Anyone who produces wealth therefore benefits others, by adding to the total amount of wealth in the world.

These are two very different views of wealth, and people who subscribe to version A will likely come up with a very different answer to the prompt than will people who subscribe to version B. Even if they do happen to agree, I guarantee their arguments in favor of their thesis will be utterly dissimilar. For the record, the first view tends to predominate in poorer nations, whereas the second predominates in wealthier ones, which may go a long way towards explaining why the wealthier nations are in fact wealthier. And of course, these are only two understandings of the nature of wealth. Still others are possible, including ones which draw on elements present in both of these.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

The notion of a dull terror inspiring frenzy is sort of neat, if a bit paradoxical. Or perhaps it is neat because it is paradoxical.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]

Yes, you have great potential as a writer, and should definitely keep on recording your thoughts. Starting new reflections in new threads would probably be a good idea, though -- some of the existing threads are getting a bit long, so it would help with organization.

Student Talk / Exam passing tips - its my final year [71]

And always make sure to check both sides of the exam sheet, so you don't overlook questions. :-)

Writing Feedback / Prescribed drugs and its various effects on the body and mind [8]

As you reorganize this essay, think also about looking at the drugs' intended effects, whether they are as desirable as people claim, and whether the drugs actually produce them. Also, not all side-effects have to be negative, and drugs meant for one purpose have at times been marketed for another after a beneficial side effect has been discovered, though this is less common than the occurrence of negative side effects. Which raises the interesting question of how common negative side effects are on these drugs. Do they adversely affect only a small percentage of people who use them, or are they pretty much universal? Thinking about some of these issues will help you craft a stronger introduction, which should lead to a clearer sense of what to discuss when in the body of your essay.

Oh, and if the essay will deal with the effect of drugs on the body and the mind, you have at least one way of subdividing your essay built into your prompt.

Writing Feedback / Should university studies be subsidized? [9]

Your essay does sort of answer the prompt, but your treatment of the topic seems a bit superficial. For instance, you mention that


You could easily talk about the economic benefits of providing education for all in its own paragraph. If university educated people earn more on average than non-university educated ones, and so pay more taxes when they start work, then can gov't subsidies in some sense be seen as a direct financial investment?

Likewise, you could easily talk about the civic value of gov't subsidized education in a paragraph of its own. Critical thinking is a vital skill for citizens of a democracy to possess, etc.

Finally, you should deal with the opposing view, which might center on the notion that, having ruined our primary and secondary public schools, the gov't ought not be allowed to get involved in running the universities, too, or people won't have anyplace to go to get truly educated.

Undergraduate / i need a little guidance on my admission essay..am i on the right track ? [5]

Strong opening, as others have noted. The central character in this essay, though, is your Dad, and after reading your essay, I cannot picture him, or even how he helped you. I know he "instilled values" in you, and you do list those values, but there isn't a single narrative anecdote that shows how he did this. So, to make the second half of your essay as strong as your first, add in some narrative and description that paints a mental image showing what you currently only tell.