Undergraduate / Cal Tech and I - Cal Tech supplemental essays [12]

Hi Andy, this is a one essay per thread forum so the rules tell me that I can only respond to one essay in this thread that you started. Not to worry though, just post the second supplemental essay in a new, dedicated thread and I am sure everyone here will jump in to help you out. In the meantime, let me focus on helping you with your first essay.

I would like to start by commending you on having the right sense to respond to the essay with an anecdote that clearly displays the Caltech prompt and its requirements. The display of honesty and integrity on your part is truly commendable and yes, you did deserve more than just a regular size Hersheys bar. I would have at least delivered you a reward that cost at least half of what you returned to me.

Just one critique though. You should have further developed the method by which you arrived at the solution to the problem. What possessed you to blurt out the question so loudly? Exactly where were you located that you managed to disrupt at least 3 classes? I believe that by being specific about why you thought shouting it out was the best solution, with some humor injected, will show the reviewer that you had "teenage common sense" at the time and find it even funnier. Aside from that, the essay prompt is properly responded to and reflects a sense of humor that the reviewer will definitely enjoy and remember.

Undergraduate / Common Application for both The Georgia Institution of Technology & the University of San Francisco [2]

Shawn, is the interest that you are sharing in this essay still related to your choice of college major? If it is, then you have to change the slant of your essay. Basically, this prompt isn't interested in getting know more about your major, it is all about getting to know you beyond the academic side of your personality. Share something with the reviewer that isn't related to studies. It should show how you relax, a hobby, or an activity that you enjoy doing because it helps you become or be a better person.

You have written an essay that tells the reviewer information instead of sharing something that shows him about the background, identity, or interest that you wish to share. Even if you are writing about something not related to your major, I do not get a sense of YOU in the essay. This is more of an opinion piece rather than a "getting to know you" platform, which was the original intention of the essay prompt. So some adjustment to the content is definitely in order.

Graduate / Request for further improvements on my application essays （content, logic...） [6]

Yao, the type of question that you opt to write about should be based upon what you feel your background as a student or as a person can best represent in the essay. I cannot be the judge of which optional essays to write because I am not really well informed about your background. If you have a lot of important things to say about those two supplemental topics then go right ahead and write about them. I can only come in and help you improve the essay once you have already written it. At this point, I think that you can write about those two topics because they are commonly suggested prompts. If you have other prompts to consider which are not so popular among the students, then you should also try to write about those. That way, you will have chosen some unique or under represented topics that might make your application stand out.

Undergraduate / M-U-A-L-L-A If my name were an acronym... [3]

Mualla, this is great acronym. However, you should not be using one letter to specific 2 traits as you did with your last letter. The A should stand for only one trait of your in order to make it easier to remember the meaning of the letter. So it is either you are artistic or you are adventurous, try not to be both. Pick the stronger trait that you can better develop for the acronym. Also, when you mention L-Love, try not to attach an activity to it. Love is a general term that has a better effect when you can explain that it applies to something more than Yoga. It creates the idea that you are an open person who is not judgemental of others instead of someone who is just concentrated on the enjoyment of a single activity.

Undergraduate / Let's make some difference. Personal statement essay. [7]

Jiang, each university that you apply to will have a specific set of prompt requirements that you are expected to respond to in a clear and original manner. The worst thing you can do is try to pre-empt the prompt requirements by writing a personal statement that is "one size fits all". You may find that you will not be able to use this particular essay that you wrote because it doesn't have a clear purpose that can relate to the essays that the universities will ask for. Save this essay for an optional, supplemental essay that has an open topic. Do not use it for a personal statement. Maybe you can use bits and pieces of it once you know what kind of prompts you are responding to. It is a good basis, but not a good essay to submit to universities due to specific essay discussion requirements. Do not pre-empt the prompts just to save on time. Always deliver a new essay whenever possible for the reasons I have previously provided.

Graduate / From Zambia, Namibia and South Africa to the US education for better future of Africa - PhD SOP [2]

Michael, are you a professional student? With that question, what I would like to know is if you are the kind of student who has dedicated his life to studying instead of balancing his academic growth with a career purpose. The reason that I am asking about that is because there is a lot of theoretical background in your essay, but almost a non-existent professional application for it. Have you not had the chance to work as an economist in your country yet? Why is the experience always overseas? I am not putting your SOP down or anything, I am just posing the questions that the reviewer will find himself asking as he reads your application essay. In order to create a more convincing SOP, you will need to present some sort of professional experience or application in support of your academic and achievement claims. Right now, it seems like you are more focused on the academic aspect without clearly defining the professional applications of your studies. For example, you could have presented a dissertation proposal here that would have clearly shown how your professional career would benefit from your economic analogies and discoveries in relation to the economic growth of your country. Such a discussion would clearly represent the far reaching purpose for your desire to accomplish a PhD course and give a better idea as to how you would apply your studies to real life situations or scenarios.

Undergraduate / UVA essay- 250 word limit- a small engineering project to help a friend or family member. [3]

Matt, this is a very interesting project to present as a potential final year project for your major. At 234 words, it is just the right length to keep the reviewer interested in your project presentation. However, I believe that it can be made better if you create a clear explanation as to the struggle that your family currently has in terms of getting your great grandmother into the car from the wheelchair. As with any project presentation, an explanation of the problem is always necessary. While you do explain that it is difficult for your great grandmother to get out of the wheelchair and into the car, you fail to explain the kind of process that is involved in relation to helping her get into the vehicle. Based upon the explanation of how you get her into the car, your explanation about the need for the assisted device and the process by which it works will make more sense to the reviewer. In that presentation, you will be able to show the reviewer the relationship between the manual and automated process which in turn, gives your device idea a clear sense of logic and usability.

Graduate / The blueprint for my success as an architect. Masters of Building Science Statement of Interest [2]

Nili, this is a pretty solid statement of interest in the Masters of Building Science course. I can clearly see how your interest in architecture developed through your interest, education, and other pursuits. There is just one slight deviation from the prompt that you have to address and that is the sudden presentation of your work as a sales manager. As you can gather from the title of the essay prompt, this is a statement of interest. Therefore, you should only represent a discussion of your interest in architecture and how you evolved from there to a desire to learn about building science. Any other topics that do not relate to that discussion should not be included in the final essay. That is why the discussion about your sales experience in a medical equipment company does not have any place in this discussion. It would be best to remove it on order to keep the discussion centered on the appropriate topic.

Scholarship / My dream and greatest opportunity - being a good candidate for UGRAD [3]

Mind, if you want to make your essay stand out, you will have too find a way to make your interest in say , Marine Biology, as you gave in your example, have a connection with your semester abroad in the U.S. Most of the applications for this scholarship will delve on the candidates qualifications for the program and their abilities to be successful exchange student through cultural channels. What I would like you to try, is to present your difference from the other applicants. You can do this by showing where you currently stand in your educational background and how you hope to expand upon your education during that year in the U.S. From that point, you can explain how you will make an excellent participant in the program because you are not doing it for personal reasons but rather, for your desire to make a global difference in the world through the help of the program. It only seems fitting that you present your application in this manner owing to the background that you have presented as a student. You should also still present the volunteer work you have in this essay because that shows a socio-civic spirit that can help you succeed as an exchange student.

Undergraduate / Lafayette College Supplement: "Why Lafayette?" "Why do you do what you do?" [11]

Wow! You really managed a fantastic turn around in your response here. You really showed a great and keen interest in the history of the university, as well as an English major background. All of which worked in your favor in my opinion. This essay is swift when it comes to getting to the point, and creative where it matters. The introduction of the video game as the basis for the entire essay is unique because not all applicants would know how to make that connection. Only someone into gaming and English / American history would be able to make such a unique connection between the 2 and the university. My opinion is that you should be proud of this response and be sure to use it as your response to the prompt. It is something that I am sure will have the ability to impress the reviewer upon reading.

Undergraduate / Let's make some difference. Personal statement essay. [7]

Jiang, what is the common app essay prompt that you are trying to deliver such an entertaining and creative response to? Could you please add the prompt and word count requirement in your next thread so that I can have a better idea as to what you are trying to do with your writing? I can't really direct a proper review towards you until I know the specifics for your work. I am not really sure why your narrative about military training is so long while the response to something highly specific in the prompt has been reduced to only a single paragraph at the end. It might be better to divide the content of the concluding statement into 2. From the way I read it, you have a portion that can work as a proper introduction, before the actual story, and a last part that can be further developed into a prompt response. I'll wait for the complete instructions before I tell you how you can do that. I want to be sure that it will apply properly to the prompt. Thanks.

Undergraduate / Lehigh Supplement Essay -- Igloo Architecture? [6]

Gari, for a commonality essay, you successfully managed to eradicate any similarities that may exist between you and the university. Yes, the response is cookie cutter, but the presentation can be unique. The commonalities essay is not the place where you need to be entirely creative in your presentation. That is why your writing tends to stray from the prompt assignment. The response that you currently have, and I must congratulate you on this, is better suited to the "Why Lehigh?" prompt instead. It is highly creative and shows a clear understanding of the background of the university in relation to your academic interests.

For the commonalities prompt, I suggest that you look at the work in progress that Mualla wrote in this forum. She has the perfect idea of how to best respond to the prompt without falling into the cookie cutter trap. With proper development, she is going to have a killer response. You could follow in her footsteps if you wish to.

Undergraduate / My faith diminished. CalTech Ethical Dilemma essay [2]

Nadun, your response is more suited towards prompts 1, 3, and 4. Any of those prompts can benefit from this response on an expanded scale. So do not delete this essay from your documents. Keep it for the time when you can actually use it. You just can't use it for this particular prompt.

The main problem that exists with your response is that it does not offer any relevant response to the following portion of the prompt: 'No member shall take unfair advantage of any other member of the Caltech community.'

If you review your response, there is no moment in the narration when you may be said to have taken advantage of something within the Buddhist community. While your ethics, honesty, and integrity are represented in the essay, it does not have the correct setting for it. The representation of this prompt has to come from an academic, not religious setting. That is because the prompt is asking you to consider the traits of ethics, honesty, and integrity as a part of your character traits as a student.

What would you do if say, you found out that a group of your dorm mates were planning to do something ill advised to a member of the student community. You know that the person involved would come to harm and possibly have more dire effects in place should these people succeed with their plan. What would you do? Would you tell the authorities? Would you just sit back and let it happen? How would you defend your integrity, ethics, and honesty in this scenario? Explain it.

The aforementioned paragraph is a mere example of the kind of scenario that would best represent a response to the prompt requirements. The only qualification for the response is that it calls your own integrity, honesty, and ethics into question when you know that a scenario where an unfair advantage on another student or person is bound to happen. How would you handle the situation? Think of a real life scenario where this happened to you and share it. The Buddhist story doesn't fit the description of the prompt expectations so you will have to change your response in total.

Undergraduate / AIRPLANES AND I - Common Application Prompt 5 [6]

Vinh, you have one too many subplots being discussed in an essay that only wants you to prove one thing. That you have already managed to transition from child to adult prior to your entry into college. The whole reason for this prompt is to prove that you have some sort of adult abilities such as being able to take responsibility for your actions, facing consequences of negative actions, or being able to handle yourself in a situation where normally, you would have your parents supporting you as you try to work out a solution to your problem. Basically, you need to discuss only one topic and not a multitude of topics within one essay. That said, the focus of this essay should be on how you took responsibility for yourself, the flight, taking the exam, and going back home without meeting any obstacle or problems along the way. If you did meet any problems, then you should have discussed how you solved it alone.

The only missing element in this essay is the acknowledgement from your parents, elders, or community that what you did was something that could be considered "adult" already and as such, earned you some sign of respect from the elders in the community or your family and / or the bestowing of additional, adult responsibilities on your part due to your proven maturity. If you can add a closing paragraph that contains such a reference, and remove the non-essential aspects of the essay as I indicated, then your essay can enter the final review for content and prompt responsiveness.

Undergraduate / Sitting on the backseat of the car - Harvard Supplement. [3]

Khatan, if your purpose for writing this highly informative essay is to supplement the information that you already presented in your personal essay then congratulations, you have done an excellent job. This essay clearly indicates all of the elements of a personal interview without the actual physical interaction. The fact that you were able to present a clear development of your sense of logic, maturing mindset, and abilities as a student makes this an enviable essay for some. I believe that as an open topic essay, you have accomplished the task of introducing yourself on a higher level to the reviewer. A level that would not be easily seen or allowed in the common app prompts. I don't see how you can even improve the essay because, being an open topic prompt, there is no right or wrong way of writing this essay. So in response to your question, the essay can be more Harvard specific if you want it to be. Otherwise, this essay does an excellent job of representing you on a personal, academic, and ability level to the reviewer.

Scholarship / Time-management skills and love for sharing things - Global UGRAD Program? (400-600 words) [3]

Tran, in my opinion, there are 2 aspects of this essay that can be sacrificed in the name of editing and quick information access for the reviewer. The first deletion, can be applied to the current opening statement which is nothing more than just an introduction of what the Global UGRAD program is all about. There is no need to lecture the reviewer or present this information to him because he of all people already knows the program, its definition, expectations, and other specific information far better than any applicant can ever inform him about. Rather than introducing the program to him, you can instead, better present yourself as an applicant to the program by expanding on the importance of time management and sharing when considering an applicant. That way, you can justify your application based upon some pretty unique qualifications for the program, which makes your application more memorable than the others.

The conclusion can also be deleted and replaced with a stronger, more effective closing statement. The one that you have right now is too short and doesn't really justify how you hope to benefit from the program. Those are better discussed in the previous paragraph. So I am thinking that maybe, just maybe, this is one essay that can be more effective if there isn't any clear closing paragraph for your discussion. I'd like to give it a try and see where it goes.

Undergraduate / Intersection of the Language and Mind - "Why NYU?" Supplement [5]

Kevin, in the last paragraph, you make mention of wishing to continue doing research at NYU. It would be in the best interest of your essay if you could expand upon that discussion. It is imperative that you share what kind of previous research you have accomplished and then give an example of what topic or research question you intend to pursue at NYU using their cutting edge resources. More importantly, you need to be able to justify your interest in shadowing these 2 professors in particular. Is that interest based upon your own research or the research of the professors that you feel can tie in directly with the research work that you want to pursue as a student? Once you clarify those points, the essay should have a stronger foundation and line of reasoning to justify your choice of university.

Undergraduate / Education a distant dream. Common app essay for University admission [3]

Shiva, don't make the essay run too long by presenting so many examples of women who were forced to drop out of school because of the social belief and traditions of your culture. It is great that you managed to properly narrate the basis of your discussion and also, show how you enacted solutions to this belief and idea that you decided to challenge. The problem, is that you focused so much space on convincing the reviewer about your cause through examples that you neglected to respond to the final question in the prompt requirement. If you faced the same challenge in another situation, would you still respond to the challenge in the same manner? That point of the prompt is critical to the response because it shows your ability to either be steadfast in your decision or be shaky because the solution that you provided was hard to deliver and is even more difficult to maintain. In the interest of keeping the essay interesting, edit the evidence of women who did not go to school by deleting that portion. Dedicate the space to discussing the more relevant, "Will you make the same decision in the future?" discussion instead.

Undergraduate / Teaching, Research, Service -- Lehigh and me [8]

Mualla, the first 2 parts of your outline fall within the prompt requirements. For the service part though, you should think more along the lines of community service and volunteer activities that you did with non profit groups or clubs. Just tutoring students won't be enough to qualify as a commonality because the Lehigh students who practice service activities do so through properly sanctioned organizations and clubs. If you do not have a formal club or organization that you belong to, it will be hard for you to justify that as a commonality that you can continue to undertake as a student at Lehigh. Don't you have any socio-civic activities that could fall under service requirement in this instance? Almost all the other applicants will say the same thing. They tutored other students as a form of service. That will not make your application stand out. That will just make it another common information filled essay for the reviewer to consider. That is the only part of the essay that you should try to develop further with better information.

Undergraduate / Reciting a poem backwards. Lehigh. You've just reached your one million hit on your youtube video. [7]

Alex, you have a misunderstanding of the prompt requirement. Although you posted an incomplete version of the prompt (Please post the complete version as soon as you can), from experience with the others here who have responded to a similar prompt, what you are being asked to discuss is the kind of public persona that you are willing to share with the student campus and your professors. What unique quality or trait will you have shared with them via Youtube? In your version, you have not uploaded any video yet and you have yet to actually start your Youtube channel. In the version of the prompt, the video is already up and has gone viral. What were the qualities of your video or your video performance that contributed to it turning viral? That is the discussion that the reviewer is interested to know about. What quirky talent do you have that would make you an asset to the university as the next Youtube sensation?

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Mualla, at this point, you need to stop adding content to your essay. It is as perfect and informative as it can be at this point. Don't try to meet the full word count. That is not the point of the essay. Keeping it short but informative helps to make the reader remember some important parts of your essay. If you present too much, sometimes irrelevant or unnecessary information just because you want to meet the word count, then you end up messing up the presentation of your essay. Don't over analyze the content of your essay. It is good to go at this point. Don't worry about anything else. The prompt topic is well responded to and represented in your essay. Be proud of the work that you did. Submit it and relax. You have done everything that you can possibly do to polish and make the essay impressive to the reviewer.

Scholarship / A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus. Giving back to community [4]

Mind, there is no need to refer to the MLK Jr. quote at the start of your essay. While it was given as the basis of your prompt requirement, it is unnecessary to make additional reference to MLK Jr. within your response. It was a quote that stood alone and did not properly introduce or transition the 2nd paragraph. If the opening statement cannot create a strong foundation for the succeeding paragraphs by creating a connection between thoughts and sentiments, then the opening statement should either be deleted or revised. In this instance, I believe that you can just delete it because paragraph 2 is so strong that it actually helps to move your essay along in a stronger and faster manner.

That said, you need to present more specific ideas as to how UGRAD will be able to help you better prepare to help your community. There needs to be specific references to say, a university that you hope to attend in order to take advantage of their marine biology training program. This is the one instance when you are being allowed to influence the point of view of the reviewer regarding the university you wish to attend. Do not waste it. Look up the notable marine biology schools online and pick one to represent your decision in the essay. Make sure that this is the university that you are willing to and looking forward to attending so that you can properly justify your choice in the essay.

Undergraduate / Lehigh Essay. What do you and Lehigh have in common? [8]

Alex, if I am not mistaken, Lehigh has its own soccer team. Therefore, you should not have a problem making the sports reference work. I think you are just referring to the wrong sport at the right university. Mention the soccer team instead in place of football and you will find that the sentiment of your paragraph becomes clearer and more aligned with the "in common" requirement of the essay. Since you love soccer and the university has a soccer team, you will just be supporting a different soccer team for the time being. I mean as a student at the university. Since Mexicans are big on soccer, it is only logical that you would immediately move to support your school soccer team. So your love for the sport and the support of the university for the soccer team will be another common denominator between the two of you. So a simple revision of that text is what is in order. You don't need to change the sport per se. Remember, what is Futbol or football to you is Soccer in the USA and American Football is a totally different sport from Football. I know, it sounds confusing, but that is how it is termed in the USA.

Letters / ERASMUS MUNDUS Scholarship - great honour, great responsibility and an obligation to work hard [11]

That is exactly the kind of information that your essay was lacking before. The addition of the data has allowed the paragraph to become more prompt compliant and shows that you have the background to be able to adjust to the way of life in Europe. the fact that you have traveled in the area shows that you have already lived a somewhat European lifestyle as a tourist and works well with the prompt expectations. There is just one more thing that you have to do. The line about studying in Europe should be presented as a separate paragraph below the presentation of your exposure to European culture. The academic side of the discussion is a totally separate topic because it discusses a different area of your European experience. Therefore, it just be presented in an independent paragraph. After you do that, the essay can already be used as part of your application packet.

Undergraduate / Why are you interested in attending Gatech [4]

Ngene, there is nothing in your essay that clearly indicates your choice for GAtech. You are speaking of information that can apply to any university in the country. Which proves that you are not very truthful about your claim that GAtech has been your choice school since middle school. Anybody who has chosen a university to attend since middle school would be more than familiar with the academic institution and have clear concepts and ideas as to why he chose the school early on.

You need to go back and write a fresh essay. One that shows you actually are familiar with the school. If you wish to have a better developed essay, do some research about the notable professors in the engineering department that you hope to have as mentors. One of the main reasons that a university is chosen by a student has to do with the learning experience that he wishes to have. So in your case, you can refer to the professors who could inspire you to learn and become a world class engineer. Just one name will be sufficient to fulfill that response.

This current essay does not work at all because there is no real background nor connection or clear reference to why you chose GAtech. Try to create a more realistic sense of why you chose the school. Don't be vague like you are now. The reviewer will not be impressed with such a generic stance in your essay.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Well, I vote for the first version that you posted because the word "dream" signifies the reason as to why you joined the flea market in the first place. There was an ambition to help the family, specifically your sister who required your financial help at the time. Therefore, keeping the word in would not be too big. It would just be sufficient enough to emphasize the hope that was lost the moment that you paid for the fee. I hope that you are keeping the maximum word count in mind as you do these changes. You may lose track of the number of words and have to edit for word count all over again. Take note of it and make sure not to go over the maximum count.

Undergraduate / I am an elastic and completely down-to-earth guy. A note to my future roommate. (250) [12]

Nanda, since we are after keeping your voice in this essay, I will not touch the information that you have presented to the admissions committee / housing committee except for one part that I feel could jeopardize your application. Please do not tell your roommate that you would be willing to play mini-hackathons in your dorm room.

The word "HACK" whether meant in jest (as a joke) or seriously, is not something that you should be presenting to the authorities of the university. The mere idea that you could possibly want to play hacking games of any sort will make them think that admitting you to their university could put their computer network at risk and result in a problem in the final consideration of your admission to the university.

My advice is this. remove that reference but keep everything else in the essay. I just want to protect your application from possible questions. I know, you may not have meant it that way in the essay but you won't be able to explain that to the reviewer so it is best not to mention that part at all.

Undergraduate / Nepal matters. Am I on the right track of this essay ? [6]

Most people who discuss the wide version of this essay always end up narrowing down their essays because their counselors, who help them review their essays often tell them to go for the more personal approach to the discussion. That is because the wide discussion has too many sub topics and representations attached to them which make it impossible to actually develop a believable discussion of what matters most and why.

If you have the opportunity to discuss what is important to you because of its direct effect on your region or district, then you would have the opportunity to even include a quick discussion of how your chosen major will allow you address a solution to this topic, without the solution discussion taking over the whole essay.

There is an American saying that goes; "Pick battles small enough to win, but big enough to matter". That is the kind of discussion parameter that you should use in choosing the topic to discuss here. It should be small enough to matter to your community and also small enough for you to solve, but have a far ranging and bigger effect on the community once the solution is implemented. At least, that is how I understand this prompt should be discussed.

You can look up the examples of responses to that prompt in this forum to see how the other students dealt with the same prompt. I believe it will help you better develop and align your answer with the prompt.

Undergraduate / COLLABORATION AND THE TECHNOLOGICAL REVOLUTION [9]

I am not saying that one presentation would be better than the other. What I am saying is that you needed to clarify that it was a team effort because it was not so clear in the previous versions of the essay. In my honest opinion, you can actually discuss the importance of the intellectual development you had on both an individual and team level.

The individual level would show that your solo learning activities could only go so far before you needed more people to help you learn a more advanced level. That way, you show that you are not only capable of learning alone, but you are able to learn more through group learning as well. These are two different levels of intellectual development that are represented in your essay and should therefore, both be included in your final paragraph regarding their importance in your intellectual development.

Letters / ERASMUS MUNDUS Scholarship - great honour, great responsibility and an obligation to work hard [11]

Serik, your interest in European culture as represented by your exposure to literature, sports, history, and other aspects that you know is the social aspect that the essay actually requires. Your interest in the European culture does not need to be directly tied in with your interest in Engineering. The essay prompt is very specific about the openness of the European culture aspect in your essay. Remember that the prompt requires you to:

... talk about your interest towards the European culture and studying in the EU.

The scholarship committee wants to be sure that you are familiar with the culture that you will be immersing yourself in for at least one year and that you are capable of finding happiness and stability in your European life. The idea, is to show that you will be able to adapt socially to the highly different European culture you will be immersed in because you have some idea of the culture and traditions of the European community. Go ahead and discuss your exposure to those specific European aspects. The essay will be much stronger and completely respond to the prompt requirements once you include that presentation in the discussion. Don't be afraid to do it. It belongs in the essay.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Mualla, use the second version. The one that you highlighted in the presentation the above thread. But after the realization that there was a stand fee and you handed over the payment, insert the dialogue about all your earning being gone. That is, you have to place it before the comment about buying the brace for your sister and the movie with the abrupt ending. I think the addition of the sentence in that particular position will heighten the sense of realization in the essay. Also, making a clear reference to the stand fee being almost as much as your earnings will help to support the claim that you could no longer afford to help buy the brace for your sister, so make sure the include that clarification as well. I think we just need one more read through before the essay becomes ready to submit. Good job on this essay. You have come a very long way since we first started working on it.

Graduate / Request for further improvements on my application essays （content, logic...） [6]

Yao, most of these information are profession related. I wonder if you have not already shared most of this information in your statement of purpose yet? If this essay is just an extended discussion of your professional experience as indicated in the statement of purpose then you are just wasting valuable word space. It will be considered redundant information and not be considered as additional factors in the assessment of your application.

Prompts like these often look for little known facts that you were overlooked in the other prompts that you responded to. Perhaps you have a unique quality as a student or as an employee that makes you one of the best people at your job, maybe you won some awards or accolades from the companies you represented before. Maybe you got something published in the past but forgot to mention it or did not have a chance to previously mention it. Something or any information that you feel can help your essay stand out and make the reviewers take notice of your application would be best to showcase in this essay.

Consider what makes you an extra ordinary employee in this field. Or maybe, think of how you plan to up the game in Big Data in the future. How do you conceptualize that happening? Showcase your forward thinking nature in relation to your application but base it on your previous studies and work experience in order to create the idea of "specific background information that has not yet been addressed". I think that would make this essay stand out among the other applicants in the pack.

Undergraduate / I am an elastic and completely down-to-earth guy. A note to my future roommate. (250) [12]

Nanda, when you need only specific advice for your essay, please make sure to let us know beforehand in the post by making that instruction the first part of your posting. Otherwise, we will assume that the whole statement or essay needs help and will work accordingly to help you. So which specific parts of this statement do you need help with? I have some parts in mind that I think you can either cut out or further improve on. I'll post my suggestions below.

In the first sentence referring to studying like a madman, if your room-mate is anti-social, he will not want to study with you, much less speak to you. Maybe anti-social is not the term that you wanted to use here. An anti-social person is defined as a person who is not sociable; not wanting the company of others. That is why I feel that the term you are using is incorrect in that sentence.

Next, I would not assume that my roommate would be interested in Math and Math games right off the bat. Don't offer to tutor your roommate in anything either. Try to keep your invitations for fun activities focused on something both of you can enjoy. Not everyone may enjoy doing Math games and you may not get a Math enthusiast for a room mate. There are times when the admissions office like to mix up the students partnered in a room, so try to remain non-academic in reference. Sometimes, roommates just want to chill and hang out without doing any activity that even remotely seems like studying. So don't be so academic inclusive in the letter. Show the extra curricular side of your personality only if possible. Rather than offering to be a tutor, you could instead just say that you are looking forward to a cultural exchange whenever you share a meal or enjoy walking in the campus on a cool night, or something like that.

The rest of the essay is fine from that point on. I apologize in advance if this is not the advice that you wish to receive. These are the specific parts that I feel need to be improve upon or removed from the essay for highly specific reasons. Believe me, I have nothing in mind except the improvement of your essay and this is how I can see doing it. We have the same goal here, just using different voices.

BTW, Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays! I am not sure if or which you celebrate so I'll try to cover both :-) Hopefully one of the two will be right. Also, no harm done. No apologies needed. We may have misunderstandings but we will always resolve them because we are focused on one mission, to get you into a good college for a better future. We will always work together for your betterment.

Undergraduate / COLLABORATION AND THE TECHNOLOGICAL REVOLUTION [9]

Nanda, you just need to insert a clarification line that will make it clear that you were the only one who participated in the program and your friends only advised you on how to best improve the bot. Something like this:

... my friends seemed disappointed for just securing a minimal honor in the competition. They felt as if the hard work they put in to help me develop the best bot that I could for the competition was a failure...

or

... I had attempted reaching out, I decided to join the team competition and reach out to my science buddies to create my team...

I am hoping that by showing you what the actual problem is with the essay, that you will now be able to actually address the important missing element in your essay, with your own voice and presentation. Do you see how and why it is important to address how your friends helped you with the bot?

Scholarship / The perfect spot - Why would you be a great participant in the Global UGRAD Program? [2]

Hyunh, do not ever cross over the line by telling the reviewer that you are a perfect candidate for this program. Specially if that impression that you have is based upon your previous failure to qualify for the scholarship program. You are never sure of the criteria that may or may not allow you to join the program this time around. So don't make false or presumptive assumptions pertaining to your chances this time around.

Allow him to come to that decision by himself. Do not ever think that it is OK to dictate to the reviewer regarding how he should be viewing you in the essay. Don't come across as over confident because you have applied to the program before so you know that you will qualify this time around. Take a more humble tone and appeal to the reviewer as a second chance applicant hoping for a more positive outcome to his application this time around. Don't ever try to second guess how the reviewer should treat and consider your application.

The paragraph all about your parents and your background as a Vietnamese Chinese is out of focus. The application officer is not interested in the background, abilities, and talents of your parents. He is only interested in you. Your background, your talents, and your abilities because you are the one who will be enjoying the benefits of a semester abroad, not your parents. So you should probably rethink the presentation in that paragraph. Change the focus from your parents to you instead.

In the second paragraph, again, you are assuming that you now have all the qualifications of an excellent candidate. Remove that reference in the opening sentence. Instead, offer your leadership abilities with a sense of confidence that it might be of help as to the group of exchange students studying in the U.S. for a semester. What you consider an excellent leadership skill may not be viewed that way by the reviewer. So try to avoid boasting in your essay.

In the paragraph about your volunteer activity, avoid mentioning an age and a promise to your aunt. Revise it to simply be a statement of a relevant volunteer activity that you feel has helped you better prepare for a semester abroad.

There is also a need for you to better develop your closing paragraph. It is too short and lacks any sort of impact that will help your essay become memorable in nature.

Undergraduate / Thrill interspersed with some doubts - CSID application [4]

Shuprova, you need to make sure that you respond to each aspect of the prompt in your essay. You never actually relayed the rest of the prompt requirements in your essay because you somehow got stuck discussing point one and two of the prompt. So the learning process in the essay was not totally represented. If you review your current version, you spent most of the essay explaining, what your goals and role was. When it came to the lesson learned, you hit a blank wall. There was no lesson learned, only an experience gained. So you were not able to fully respond to the prompt but, you did sound convincing when it came to wanting to help the children and your dedication to your role really came across to the reader.

Undergraduate / Nepal matters. Am I on the right track of this essay ? [6]

Nanda, while I can understand the reason why you are concerned about Nepal, you have chosen a topic that is way too wide for you to solve on your own or even begin to solve by yourself. The essay response, in my opinion should be geared more towards something personal, not national in content. The reviewer is wishing to get to know more about you through this prompt. So the response should be all about what matters to you as a person. Not as a citizen of Nepal. As a citizen of Nepal, you cannot enact changes or contribute to the society in a way that the rewards will be easily visible, if at all. However, when something matters most to you, the reviewer can see and judge how the importance of this thing affects your character traits as a person who is striving to get ahead in life.

Again, your topic is good, but too national in scope, so it loses the personal interest aspect. Try to discuss something on a more personal but important level. Do you think you can consider my suggestion? It is just something that I feel is more geared towards what the reviewer would want to see. His concern is not about Nepal as a nation, but rather on Nanda, as an applicant to his university. So your responses should be based on a more personal level that explains who you are and what why some things matter to you more than the other things or people in your life.

Undergraduate / Long division and logarithms are not for me - what in exchange? [4]

Shuparova, try not to fixate on your being poor in Math by making it the central topic of all your essays. The reviewer needs to get to know you beyond being poor in Math because he has to judge if you make for a qualified candidate based upon this preliminary written interview. That is why I keep asking you to vary your topic content in each essay prompt. Talk to the reviewer as if you were in a real interview. If you focus only on math, you limit your ability to introduce yourself successfully and give the reviewer a well rounded idea as to who you are beyond being a poor math student which, by the way, is a bad thing to keep dredging up if you are trying to get into business school. Poor in Math = Poor in business. That is not the image that you want to plant in the reviewer's head. Don't tank your application before you even have a chance to justify your application in person. If you will make it to the formal interview stage.

Moving on, yes, I hate to say it but yes, your language and topic is too simple for a college essay. The conflict is not as compelling as it can be. If you can find a more serious conflict, one that actually challenged you, aside from Math, then you should discuss that. Try to not always discuss Math in order to avoid reader fatigue because you keep telling the reviewer about the same problem in 100 different ways. He will tire of it and it may affect his ability to properly consider your application.

Undergraduate / Lafayette College Supplement: "Why Lafayette?" "Why do you do what you do?" [11]

All of the other students who will be responding to this essay will mention the same things that you have. The academic, the athletic, the social, even the city aspects of your interest in applying to Lafayette. If you want your essay to stand out from the pack, you will need to do some background research on the history of the university, the ideology behind it, and the current state of interest in the university. When they ask you why you choose a university, your response should go beyond the obvious. You could be attracted to the type of education it offers (e.g liberal arts), the history behind the university, or even, your belief in the ideology or mission of the university. Whatever the reason you opt to discuss, make sure that is is based upon more than the obvious choices because majority if the applicants are thinking the same way.

If I were to develop my own answer to this essay, it would be on a personal note. I would discuss something about myself, a quirk, an extra curricular interest, or even, something that I want to discover about myself that I am convinced I can develop or find while I am a student at the university. That way my interest in the university, though self-serving, shows that I am familiar with the kind of influence that the university can have on my personal development.

Undergraduate / Long division and logarithms are not for me - what in exchange? [4]

Shuprova, the topic you chose to discuss here is a very relevant one. However, correct me if I am wrong, but as a math major, you are once again, discussing math with the reviewer. This shows a highly limited exposure on your part because you cannot discuss anything else not related to math. In all common prompt essays, you are encouraged to show as many sides of your personality, struggles, and successes in as many fields and life experiences as possible. Since most of the papers that I have read from you already pertain to math, try to vary your subject or focus a bit in this essay. Go beyond math and think of something else that you wanted to learn which challenged you or continues to challenge you. That way you show other facets of your personality to the reviewer, which might help to make him more interested to learn more about you as a student.