Research Papers / Night Essay- add or suggest what I should expand upon for in text analysis and other issues. [2]

Steven, I think that the reason your professor indicated a need for more analysis within the text is because the presentation of the information that you used is very mechanical in nature. It is academically accurate and represents the thoughts of the author in a concise and clear manner but ails to represent your understanding the text. In these types of essays, you are expected to do additional research outside of the required reading material in order to enhance your presentation of facts.

It would have helped if you had taken ownership of some thought int he paper by presenting your personal opinion or results of personal research. Such additional information provides a deeper analysis of the required text by adding additional background or opinions regarding the atrocities of the second world war.

By using information solely taken from the preface of the book, it would appear to the reader that you did not really read or go through the book. That is because you should have cited actual mistakes in translation taken from actual passages of the book in order to prove that claim on your part.

Since this paper has already been graded, I am not sure how my comments regarding this work can help you. Maybe you can use some of my advice are reminders for the improvement of your future work. I hope you got a good grade on this paper. You deserve it for a well researched piece of academic writing, regardless of the perceived shortcomings in presentation and content.

Undergraduate / Becoming independent - challenge you have faced and the steps you have taken to overcome this [3]

Brianna, this essay sounds like a college application essay. Am I right? If I am, I wonder if there is more to the prompt that you actually have written. Would you mind posting the full prompt here so that I can compare the instructions with your content? Your essay seems to not have a real closing statement at this point so I hope you are just looking at this version as a draft and not a final version. By the way, I also need the word count requirement so that we can work together on editing the essay in a manner that meets the word count.

Consider shortening the opening statement. It is too dramatic for effect and doesn't really do anything except restate the prompt in more ways than one. You actually need only a basic opening statement that directly responds to the question provided. Choose one memorable incident that showed how you overcame your reliance on others and ushered in the independent you. Don't explain your independence, prove that you passed through a logical progression in order to overcome the obstacle that prevented you from becoming independent.

As for your concluding paragraph, I am not really sure if you want to close the essay on an explanation about the the leadership program. This part of the essay seems to represent more about the background and objectives of the group rather than actually discussing how you became independent because of it. I really believe that you should not close the essay at this point. There should be either room to properly close the sentiment or edit for relevance. At this point, your essay is an unfinished draft.

Please provide the necessary guidance material as soon as you can. It will really help in better addressing the adjustments, changes, and problems with your essay. Thanks.

Undergraduate / Extracurricular essay- can someone help me correct or improve it [8]

Hi again Kervina. I don't have an example to offer you right off the bat. However, you can do a search of the forum for essays that have the same prompt instruction. I know that there are quite a number of them out there that you can use as perfect examples for your revised essay. If I were to advice you regarding the tone of your essay though, I would suggest that you try to go for a light, humorous tone that can show the reviewer how you can make light of a serious situation in order to better inspire a person to, as your organization says "move" in a positive direction.

Try to recall the story of one child whom you were able to inspire to say, play soccer when everything about the child said that he could not. How did you inspire him and how did you feel after that? Such a narration should help show the way that your extra curricular activity helped both you and the other person become better versions of yourselves because of the results of your activity.

Undergraduate / Extracurricular essay- can someone help me correct or improve it [8]

Hi Kervina, thanks for getting back to me so soon. I was right on track with the advice I gave you the first time. This time though, I would like to focus on how you can best develop your extra curricular experience response. I believe that you have enough notable moments as a member of MOVE to create a memorable extra curricular activity. You just have to choose the best activity to show the reviewer, rather than "tell" the reviewer about the experience.

Try to focus on a specific time when when you helped a member of the community that MOVE was serving. Consider the moment when you were able to help change a life, inspire a person, or just be there to care and listen to someone who needed support. Explain how this experience helped you realize that an extra curricular activity is not just about doing something outside of school to relax or because it looks good on your college application. Use it to explain a moment of self realization in order to give your participation in MOVE more than just a superficial experience. Elaborate in a marked manner that manages to tell the reader something about you that you may not have been able to present in the other prompts.

Writing Feedback / The various plus points of international tourism are definitely worth the exchange. [3]

Six, ownership of the information and opinion that is presented in an opinion essay is very important. It shows that you have confidence in the information you are presenting and allows the examiner to estimate the degree of your comprehension skills based upon the kind of understanding and logic that you use to discuss the topic. Therefore, use of first pronoun words is of the utmost importance. Terms such as "I, me, my, mine" denote ownership of the opinions presented and would have added to your task accuracy score which by the way, currently stands at a 5.

There is a problem with your cohesiveness and coherence because of the confusing statements that you made in paragraphs 2 and 3. I think something got lost in the translation of what you wanted to say from your mother tongue to English. It made the paragraphs difficult to read so I think you would not get anything higher than a 4 in it.

Lexical resource is another concern for me. This is a section whose score has a direct relation to your coherence and cohesiveness score because the words or vocabulary you used ended up confusing the reader to the point where the subject of the paragraphs were lost. So my score for you in this part would be another 4.

Finally, we come to grammar accuracy and range. This section is scored also in direct relation to the cohesiveness and cohesion and lexical resource. I already explained to you in the previous paragraphs about the problems of the essay so, for the final portion of scoring, I don't think that you will be able to gain more than a 5 in it. The score in this section was increased due to considerations relating to the score of 5 in the task accuracy portion.

Scholarship / A clear vision tempered with honesty - the inspiration from my late professor [4]

Valerie, this version of your statement is already acceptable because it focuses equally on the way that the person inspired you and what the background of that person is. It would help if you would mention what she is noted for in Nigeria within the first 3 sentences of the opening paragraph so that the reason why you would consider her an inspiration becomes evident immediately.

My main concern at the moment, is the fact that you did not bother to check for grammar accuracy (capitalization of the word I throughout the essay is faulty), and proper punctuation usage (you need to place a space between the period and the next capitalized word of the succeeding sentence).

There is also a need for you to separate the paragraphs in order to create breathing space or the eyes of the reader. The current set up is too tight on the page and doesn't really allow the reader's eyes to relax while reading your statement. If the reader can relax while reading your work, he will be more receptive and analytical of what you have to say in response to the prompt.

Scholarship / I Have a dream. UGRAD Essay for a question "Why Would you be a great participant?" [5]

You are not being asked for your motivations for applying to UGrad. So you do not need to present that information. Neither is the part referring to Martin Luther relevant. You can however, retain the part about what you hope to accomplish there. It just might tie in with what makes you a good participant / candidate for the program. However, a specific focus on political science may not be appreciated. So keep it in general terms of learning. Learn from all the academic and social immersion experiences. Don't concentrate on a particular learning. The perfect candidate will have a well rounded personality and interest in learning.

As you can see from the prompt that you were provided, the extra information you presented was not being asked for. What you have to understand is that the reviewer does not have all the time in the world to read your essay. You are not the only applicant he has to review in a day and he is not reviewing only a handful of applications. He is reviewing hundreds of applicants per day, thousands per week and month. So he will only have enough time to scan your essay for the keywords that pertain to the prompt requirements and note them. If he does not see the information he is looking for within the first paragraph of your essay, you can bet that he will not finish reading your application essay.

The best written essays are the ones that only provide the information required. It becomes well developed and short, which means that the reviewer will finish reading your application and consider all of the "relevant" information that you provided. Any additional information that is not required by the reviewer will not help your application in any way since it will not be part of the final consideration. So keep it short, relevant, and informative in the manner dictated by the prompt. That is the only way you can be sure that your application will receive the appropriate consideration it deserves.

Undergraduate / Extracurricular essay- can someone help me correct or improve it [8]

Kervina, what is the maximum word count on this statement? In my opinion, you will have to revise the essay to be less of a "telling" of the activities that you did and more of a "showing" regarding how being a member of MOVE has helped you develop as an individual or heightened your sense of socio-civic responsibility. From the stories that you told, I believe that you can pick one of the incidents and then highlight the lesson, experience, or unforgettable moment that could sum up why this extra curricular activity is special to you.

Right now, your essay narrates and summarizes all of the important highlights of your membership in the group. However, all you need is one highlight moment / adventure from your time doing a specific activity in order to create a better picture of how you spend your free time and how the experience has contributed to your developing mindset or character.

Read the prompt again, is there something specific that you should present in the statement? Make sure that you are able to do that. If you can post the prompt in the succeeding thread, I might be able to help you align your response in an even better manner to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / TED Summary - The Internet Secret [4]

Lincoln, your summary statement doesn't pass muster in this case. Your title for the summary says it all "How we take back the internet". You did not present the information from Edward Snowden as to how that can be done. He specifically discusses the importance of taking back the internet, why we should value our privacy, and more importantly, how it can be taken back from those who stole our privacy online. All you present in the essay is a background of Snowden and the scandal he is embroiled in. You have not properly represented the full content of the video that is over half an hour long.

Speaking of the length of the video, it is not short at all. So why is your summary so short? You most likely know that this short summary will not get you a passing grade in the actual test. It just doesn't accomplish the task properly. As I watched the video, I came across more relevant information and keywords that you did not represent in this summary. So I am not confident that you would have gotten a decent score on this essay.

Scholarship / A clear vision tempered with honesty - the inspiration from my late professor [4]

Valerie, why are you offering a biographical look at the life and times of Dora Akunyili when you are being asked to present the reasons why this person has become an inspiration in your life? The question is asking you to pick a person who has inspired you to do something good or make a positive change in your life. So the essay should first discuss why this person inspired you. Show the reviewer what your interest is and how this person relates to it. If this person inspired you to participate in a certain lifestyle, activity, or organization, then explain how it happened for you. This not about the life and times of the historical figure or movement. This is about you finding your inspiration in the exemplary life or movement that this person represents. So the paper should present a balanced look at your interests in relation to the person or movement. The person or movement should not occupy more than half of the paper. It should be a balanced presentation of the way you were inspired by some pertinent data from the person's background. The background has to relate to the inspiration the person provided you.

Reverse the presentation of your essay. Bring the talk about how the woman inspired you to the top of the essay and edit the story about her life in such a manner that is becomes shorter and keeps only the parts that relate to how she inspired you as part of the second and closing paragraphs. Analyze her back story and then use only the relevant parts in your essay.

Essays / I need to build a personal statement for a foreign Master scholarship [6]

Timilehin, this essay is simple enough to write. It actually just asks for general information from you in order to support your application for the scholarship. The first thing that you have to remember is that you must present the information in essay format and not in outlined, numerical responses. So, let me see if I can point you in the right direction per paragraph.

For the first paragraph, consider the advantages that you will have over other students should you win the scholarship. Consider the objectives of the scholarship foundation and try to relate their interests with yours. Make sure that your desire to win the scholarship is also of personal importance to you for some reason. Don't just discuss the scholarship as "free money to go to school". Go beyond that mindset and think of other, higher relevance reasons that could make your desire to win the scholarship stand out from the rest of the standard response essays the reviewer will be reading.

Questions 1 and 2 are related so you can actually reflect your response to both in a single paragraph. Provided you develop your dual response properly in the essay. You have chosen to study a specific MS program in Microbiology. So consider the reasons why you believe that your career will benefit from the completion of higher studies in this field. Talk about your future plans and how the masters degree can help you achieve the next level of your professional career. Are you looking towards a promotion on the job? Or perhaps you are hoping to create some breakthrough experiment or research study, either way, you should be able to justify your requirements for higher study.

I don't see you writing more than 2 well developed paragraphs for this essay. I hope you can post your draft soon so we can get to work on perfecting the content and getting it ready for submission.

Scholarship / My early fascination for computers combined with a strong liking for analytical subjects inspired me [10]

Valerie, you must be mistaken about the kind of help that we offer here. We are here to assist you with your writing needs. We are not here to write the essay for you. Our job is more of guidance towards the improvement of your essay. If you want someone to write your essay for you, consider hiring a professional writing service instead. That is not what we do here. As our slogan goes "Free writing, editing, and research help for students". The keyword to the service we offer is "HELP", as in "to assist". We guide you in writing. Use your words, listen to our reviews, and adjust your paper content according to our advice. We cannot write this paper for you. That is not how our assistance works.

I can improve upon the essay that you wrote, provided you had written the correct essay in the first place. The information that you have in your current work is not complete enough for me to be able to help you develop a fresh paper. I cannot make up information for you so I cannot write this paper for you either. Sorry about that. You should not have procrastinated in developing your application essays. Now, I fear that you may not make your deadline.

Write your essay now, based upon the advice that I gave you in the previous threads. I will wait for your paper and guide you in properly addressing the needs of the prompt. I will be on stand by. I apologize but I cannot write this paper for your. Our service just doesn't work that way. If you work fast enough, you just might be able to make the deadline for your application today.

Undergraduate / Describe a religious, cultural, or family tradition you can share with the Colgate community. [11]

The ritual that you have chosen to share with Colgate University is too complex for it to be accurately reproduced on a smaller or medium scale at the university. The prompt is encouraging you to share your culture and tradition with the university. However, there is no way that the university can help you recreate an event this complex.

Consider that you are being asked to help enhance the cultural exchange and cultural environment of the student community. How can you properly introduce your culture to the students based upon a cultural experience that they can easily understand, participate in, and hopefully identify with.

Think smaller but informative. Make it moderately complex to mount, but still enjoyable to the participants. Imagine yourself at the university during that time of the year when the event is celebrated. How can it be presented to the community in such a way that the students will want to experience the culture and tradition of your country?

Consider those factors and then try to find something in your culture or family traditions that can be presented for the consideration of the university for implementation should you become a student there.

Scholarship / I Have a dream. UGRAD Essay for a question "Why Would you be a great participant?" [5]

Aya, your response to the question is not appropriate for the question posed. The Martin Luther King Jr. reference is impressive but doesn't really work in terms of explaining why you will be a good participant in the UGrad program. Focus your response on what you can accomplish within one year or semester as a member of an international group of students, specifically chosen to help enhance a learning environment in the United States.

Why would you be a good participant? I suggest that you look into the mission, objectives, and expectations of the UGrad program in terms of their participants. You wrote a personal statement that does not really explain how you can excel in the program. A serious UGrad participant is more interested in an open type of learning community where the student looks forward to a cultural exchange program covering a year long learning process among international students in an American educational setting.

This could include further enhancing your English language skills in relation to your chosen degree because you will be immersed in the American English speaking communities and environment. You could even mention that you are hoping to use this experience as a reference for a Fulbright scholarship in the future. You just need to focus your response on the relevant information to the program in order to better respond to the question.

Undergraduate / The sole intention of the education is to equip the students with as much knowledge as possible [5]

Teba, can you post the complete and accurate prompt for our reference? I want to be sure that the advice I give you will not be incomplete or in contradiction with the expectation of the prompt. At the moment, I can tell that, based upon the part of the prompt that I can read, your essay should not be this long. There are only a few specific areas that should be included in your response in order to properly respond to the existing prompt requirement. The following portions should comprise your revised paper in order to properly represent a prompt response:

Paragraph 1 : Start with the portion that begins with "I aspire to grow my knowledge of the English language..." and end with "...consider updated curricula. "

Paragraph 2: I find that that following part is the most relevant to the application: " Enrolling with the FVSP will..." and ending with "...of the world. "

Paragraph 3 : Include a discussion about Linguistics because it is relevant to the program. Include the following part ; "Linguistics is one ..."

For paragraph 4, you can use the current concluding paragraph that you have written. It is a strong one that can properly close your presentation of facts. I will wait for the updated prompt in order to consider any additional corrections or additions to your essay.

Undergraduate / Application answer with fun. Need some help and advice to improve and make it funnier [3]

Excellent work Kerwin! I was really drawn into the events that unfolded in the locker room that day. I could almost smell the stink that you guys managed to create and the images of exploding soda bottles, hitting you guys like a slime gun really made me snicker in laughter. You really showed that you know how to laugh at yourself and your antics in this narrative.

A quick point of revision though. It would be best not to use any names in the essay as much as possible in order to protect the privacy of your classmates. Since none of you had any dialogue in this incident and you did not enumerate the names of the "accomplices" in this instance, there is no need to mention the name of Jim anymore. In addition to that, you can improve the following sentence by saying:

Everyone tried in vain to stop the exploding projectiles from creating further damage in the locker room...

Also, I think it will be more graphic for the reader if you say "slime covered monsters" instead of simply monsters. That is because everyone is familiar with Nickelodeon and how they slime the guests at their award shows. So, it creates a more visual reference for the reader, thus making the way you guys looked as you entered the room even funnier.

Undergraduate / Application answer with fun. Need some help and advice to improve and make it funnier [3]

Kerwin, the story that you shared already sounds funny just imagining it. However, the drawback of the scenario was that the explosion happened while your group was out of the room. The really funny, comedic part would have been if you were in the room as the explosion unfolded. Just imagine, how funny it would have been if the gas started popping all over the place and you were all scrambling around, unsuccessfully, trying to stop the results of the explosion from getting worse.

Try to watch some movie clips on Youtube in relation to these scenarios and try to pick up some ideas from the events in the film. Make sure to keep the part about the punishment that was dealt unto your group. It would be even funnier if somehow, the head boy and the headmaster of the school were somehow involved in the incident.

Why not say that you kept the things in the classroom overnight and then the next day, when you guys arrived in the classroom, you could all smell the gas and then, before anyone could take the offensive material out of the room, the explosions started? Be graphic about what happened to whom because you have to show the reviewer what happened in this case. Be imaginative and make sure that the actions are leaping off the page and coming to life in the mind of the reader.

I know you have a word limit so you will need to revise most of the latter part of the essay in order to accommodate my suggested changes. I think that there is room for the revision and replacement of most of the material from the current version of the narrative.

This is a good start, some adjustments are necessary to make it even funnier. I am looking forward to reading your revised story. I am sure it will be a riot.

Undergraduate / Describe a religious, cultural, or family tradition you can share with the Colgate community. [11]

Sushant, is there any chance that your culture has a tradition or perhaps your family has an internal tradition that is much simpler to celebrate? One that you can actually translate into say, a special celebration day at Colgate that can be shared with the entire student community?

You see, this particular essay is asking you, in an indirect manner, to share a method by which you can help enrich the student community of Colgate through the sharing of your country's culture or your family traditions. It is a method by which the university can continue to cultivate and promote the diversity of the student campus and promote camaraderie and understanding among the students. So if you can just adjust the celebration that you are presenting to something that can easily translate to a "stateside" celebration, you should be able to more than adequately share a significant part of your cultural background with the university community.

Letters / He has always been consistent and punctual in classes. LoR on behalf of Mathematics teacher. [11]

I do not believe that I should try to edit the wording of this recommendation letter because of its technical nature. I might make a mistake with my explanation, expression, or alter the meaning of something that the professor supposedly said about you. That would affect the original thought or emotion of what your professor wished to say.

If you want to tighten the focus of the essay and make this sound as professional as possible using the flow of thought of a professor from your country writing a recommendation letter in English, the best way you can do that is by editing certain paragraphs in the essay. You can start with the third paragraph in the essay. Start by removing the first sentence that says; "Often during laboratory sessions... " It doesn't really relate to the rest of the paragraph so you can remove that without affecting the overall message of that paragraph. Then, in paragraph 4, delete the part covering " would be certainly sensible ... laboratory or seminar hall. " For the final paragraph, just remove " I wish him best wishes.".

Those adjustments will make the essay sound more professional in a natural voice from your country. If I rewrite the letter, it will be too obvious that your professor did not write it because of the thought process involved in sentence and paragraph development based upon language origin and translation processes. It will lead to a question of the validity of your recommendation letter. So it would be best to keep the language in as original a state as possible.

Undergraduate / A Bird in the hand is worth two in a bush [2]

Mohamoud, did you accidentally post the wrong response for this prompt? There is nothing in the essay that you developed which shows a person or movement that inspired you in life. In fact, this is just an essay that would at best, be considered a personal statement draft and nothing more. The essay is asking you to think of the people or movements that have inspired you to become the person you are today. An example of a person who inspired you can be anybody from your parents or immediate family members, all the way to historical figures like Mahatma Ghandi. Anybody who makes you want to be a better version of yourself would be the figure who inspired your life. Or a membership in an organization like the Model UN or something similar which made you believe that you could be a better citizen of the world would also be an acceptable response to the prompt.

What you wrote isn't anywhere near the correct response to the discussion you are being encouraged to present. You will have to start from scratch with this essay. You cannot use what you have currently written. So think about an inspirational figure in your life, You could even write about some Hollywood actor or a singer from your country as the inspiration for your response. Those people would probably be closer in inspiring you to become a better person as the prompt requires. Right now, your essay doesn't respond to the prompt at all.

Scholarship / My early fascination for computers combined with a strong liking for analytical subjects inspired me [10]

Valerie, if that is the case, then look into writing only one of the requirements of the prompt. I suggest that you write your essay based upon your academic goals because that is the strongest point of both versions of your essay. By concentrating on your academic goals, you will be able to focus on completely explaining why you have chosen this particular major at the U of T and also, offer an idea as to where you see your career headed in the future. Try to develop a new essay, this time, just talking about your academic interests and what your goal is for enrolling at U of T under this major. I need to get a sense of what your purpose is for attending college so that I can better advice you as to how to write this essay. Write a draft and post it in this thread. We will start the writing of your essay from there.

Scholarship / My early fascination for computers combined with a strong liking for analytical subjects inspired me [10]

Valerie, your personal statement is all over the place. It lacks a clear focus that will show and tell the reviewer all about your personal and academic goals. I suggest that you outline your discussion topics before you write your essay so that you will be able to present the essay in a coherent manner. Right now, the essay is very confusing to read. Here is how I suggest that you approach this essay:

Par. 1 - Introduction to your personal goals. You have discussed how your family is very education oriented in the current version of your essay. You even discussed what attracts you to academic study. However, the representation of the personal goal, the personal fulfillment that you would want to achieve through this line of study is not present. In the personal statement, you have to make sure that you present personal goals and not simple overviews of family based orientation regarding certain topics such as education. Your personal goals should somehow tie in with your academic goals. For example, someone from a very poor family will look to attending college as a stepping stone to a better life for himself and his family. If you can find a personal connection along those lines, something that will alter the course of your future, then you will have found the topic for your personal goal.

Par. 2 - Introduction to your academic goals. Talk about how you decided to choose this major because it is in line with your learning interests and as such, is sure to help you have a better future. Discuss how you feel by enrolling in this major, you are sure to graduate from college as opposed to enrolling in a course that may assure you of a better income in the future, but may not be able to hold your interest and cause you to drop out.

Par. 3 - Should discuss how your choice of U of T ties in with your personal and academic goals. Look at how your educational interests can best be served by the university. We are talking about really getting to know the course offerings and training programs that the school has to offer you. Choose your major, find the subjects of interest to you, then close with the kind of training and education that the university offers that enticed you to enroll there.

Note: Remove the reference to the financial aid at the end of the essay. This is a personal statement and hence, does not require a reference to how you plan to pay for college. Notice that you were not asked about that in the prompt. So there is no need for you to make mention of it at this point. How you will pay for college is still not in consideration by the reviewer while reading this application essay.

Excluding my note above, all of my suggestions are meant to help guide you towards developing a better personal and academic goals essay. Also, don't hesitate to just write about just your personal goals or just your academic goals if you feel that you cannot write a solid combination essay. The prompt gives you the option to choose one, the other, or both for your essay topic. So write the strongest possible essay for you based upon the strongest point of discussion that you feel you can create for yourself.

Undergraduate / My exchange year in Orange, MA was overwhelmingly full of things for me to learn from [2]

Arhum, don't tell the reviewer that this experience made you transition from childhood to adulthood. Show him that the series of experiences that you had as an exchange student helped you to successfully transition to adulthood. You have the right premise for your essay response, it is your execution that is wrong. The discussion of the essay should focus on how you dealt with your life overseas for 10 months. Consider that you were without your parents guidance, had to make sure that you did not get into trouble, worked hard in school, got along with everybody, and did not do anything to disrespect your host family. These are the elements that, properly discussed, would show the reviewer that you had a remarkable transition from child to adult.

If I were to revise this essay, I would write it in a manner that would show the reviewer the kind of life that I had in Pakistan before I left for the semester abroad. Show how you were pampered, loved, cared for, and basically catered to by your parents. Then show him how this all changed for you during the time when you had to take full responsibility for yourself, your actions, and the results of all of the decisions you made for yourself. Show him how your mindset changed and how you handled the sudden responsibility for yourself. Then discuss how these events led to your evolution and how, upon your return to Pakistan, you were a changed boy whose newfound sense of adulthood impressed his relatives and parents alike.

Focus on your development as a person while you were overseas. Make sure that the transition to a more responsible person is clear and understandable. Remember to show the reviewer how the process of maturity happened for you. Try not to tell him because he needs proof of your claims. The proof will come from the story that you will be telling him about the transition period in your life.

Graduate / I need some advise on my application to ETH Zurich - motivation, area of interest in the Department [4]

Yes, definitely include an overview or summary of your college studies. Mention your accomplishments in that arena as well. To be specific, you will need to mention the college you attended, your college degree, as well as any honors or academic accomplishments that you might have earned during your college days. Make sure to include any publications that may have taken note of your class projects or your own written work. Just keep it simple. Don't over discuss your college days. Don't talk about your exam results, class organization memberships, or other unrelated information. However, if you were a member of a relevant school organization wherein you accomplished something notable, in relation to your degree or line of research, make sure to serve up a quick, verifiable discussion regarding that as well. Those sorts of early information about you will show the reviewer that you have the strong and solid foundation to complete this demanding course of study within the allotted amount of time.

Scholarship / If I don't get this scholarship, I won't let it deter my hopes and future aspiration [3]

Nwanko, I have a different approach to the way that you should modify your essay for the prompt. You have to let the scholarship committee know that with or without the scholarship grant, you are not just going to give up on your educational ambitions. Instead, the loss of scholarship should serve as a personal inspiration for you to succeed in life, regardless of your setbacks.

That is why I would like you to highlight the fact that you plan to continue working at this shop and then enrolling at in a formal academic institution as soon as you are able to do so. Follow that up with the continuous education process through online classes, free seminars and other means that are available to you in terms of continuing your education. This shows the scholarship committee that you are a determined person whose ambition to complete your studies cannot be prevented and should therefore, be supported instead.

The mention of looking into other scholarships should be last on the list because it is always easier to continue your education using whatever means are available to you rather than constantly applying to other scholarships and hoping you will get one. What would happen to you if you never get a scholarship? Think in those terms. The scholarship should not be the only way that you can continue your studies. It should only be mentioned in reference to or as an option in relation to your continuous education as something that you will continue to pursue, but will not rest your educational future upon. Make it clear, scholarship or no scholarship, you will get the education that you badly desire and desire to have because you will not let anything stop you from achieving a better life.

Scholarship / I want to be a part of the development of Africa and contribute to it - this is my responsibility [3]

Nwanko, I admire all of the long term plans that you have for Nigeria. You are an exemplary Nigerian who is sure to bring glory to your country in the future. That said, I have to tell you that your long term goals do not have a place in this essay. You see, you are only being asked to respond to the question "What will motivate you to return to Africa after graduation? " The question posed requires only a brief response that should span no longer than one year upon your return to Africa.

So, of all of the plans that you have presented in your essay, I believe that the following items would be the best ones for you to develop into a one or two paragraph response:

1. Returning to Africa as a mechanical engineer, you will want to find work with an energy company (dream big, name a corporation in your country), where you will make sure that the other engineers who did not have the chance to study abroad will have an opportunity to learn from you because you will be returning to the country with the most up to date information, knowledge, and training, which will be sure to help ease the burden of work for the other engineers in the company.

2. Present the idea that you will encourage the corporation to support the development of alternative energy sources by presenting your own ideas, which you developed during your studies abroad, for implementation in your country. This will show that you are totally committed to not only your studies, but the development of your country through viable energy solutions implementation.

Usually, those are the two strongest positions to take when trying to convince the reviewer that you will be returning to your home country upon graduation. If you can try to develop a statement along those immediate lines, you should have a pretty strong and relevant response to the essay. Don't think too far ahead this time. Just one year in advance is fine. The plans I suggest are doable in about 6-12 months. However, the 2nd part, could stretch as long as 5 years in some instances, but that's for another discussion. I believe that this is all you have to do for now.

Scholarship / The energy crisis in Nigeria has been a concern for both the Nigerian government and the people [3]

Nwanko, the problem that I see with your essay is that you have dreamed to far beyond the actual education you are to receive through the foundation. Let's put it this way, the problem with Nigeria is the lack of electrical power. Fine. You presented that quite clearly in the first part of your essay. Now, for the second part, you will have to do some research related to the major you wish to take at the U of T.

Before you write the second part of the essay, I want you to take some time to reflect and think about what kind of solution you can bring to the problem in the short term. Hypothesize about a short term solution that you can develop while a college student at U of T. This will be presented in the form of a thesis statement / question. By presenting your plan in a hypothetical form and relating the development of the planned solution to the classes you will be taking, professors you will be learning from, and the internships or other training programs at the university you will be able to show how studying at the U of T will empower you in terms of tackling the issue and challenge of the power shortage in your country.

With reference to the Mastercard scholarship, just make sure to mention that due to your financial difficulties and lack of proper education in this field in your home country, you will need their help in order to be able to prepare yourself to help your country become a competitive 21st century country by receiving the proper education that you can bring back and share with your countrymen in the hopes of solving the power crisis in the not so distant future .

Graduate / Scholarly and research area(s) of interest, experiences that led to your preparation in the field [21]

If you can combine your research plans at the beginning with your future goals, you should be able to significantly lower your word count. I don't suggest removing any part of the essay that might render the paragraph incomprehensible or lacking in information presentation. Since your application is highly technical in nature, we have to be very sure that your final paper does not have any holes that can be considered weaknesses in you as a candidate. If you feel that you can cut back on the introduction without affecting the succeeding parts of the essay, then go ahead and do so. It is important that you review the essay after you have removed certain parts so that you can tell for yourself if the overall information about you was affected or not in the presentation. Make sure that the message or objective of the essay remains clear to the reader even after you have edited your work. Bringing it down to a total of 700 will be sufficient enough for the reviewer to finish reading what you have to say.

Undergraduate / My girlfriend. This girl changed me as a person. Penn State Personal Statement [7]

Hai, thanks for the information. Having now read the prompt, I firmly believe that you should not be using your lovelife in reference to this essay prompt. Your ability to succeed should not be based upon your love life because your love life can change in an instant and affect you in so many ways, both positive and negative. In fact, some people fail in college because of it. So that is definitely not the right topic to use for this essay. Try to prove your ability to succeed at Penn state through the use of your other skills, talents, abilities, or experiences. Try to find some commonalities between you and the Penn State academic and social life that might be considered a method by which you will succeed at the university. A familiarity with an activity, the support of a group, or even an on-site campus visit / experience are part of the acceptable responses to this prompt.

Undergraduate / Intra-university transfer statement detailing why you want to join School of Information Studies [5]

You should definitely change the path of your presentation. While there is only a single major offered be university, you are being allowed to study all the major paths that will help build your knowledge and skill the field that best relates to your interests. Therefore, all of your information should relate to cyber security if this is the field that you have the most non-academic or non-professional experience in. What I mean by non-academic or non-professional is that you do not have any formal knowledge of the field aside from some self-taught or observed information that can help you adjust to the formal school setting of the iSchool. If you focus on a particular concentration, it will become clear to the reviewer that you are going to be following a specific path of learning that will allow you to become an expert in two fields while attending only one school.

Letters / He has always been consistent and punctual in classes. LoR on behalf of Mathematics teacher. [11]

Pallaw, the letter is already acceptable but requires the removal of some information due to irrelevance or to simply shorten the length of the letter to a more interesting length. In the third paragraph, please remove the reference to quizzes and tests. It does not inform the reader of any skills or abilities on your part even when read in connection with the second sentence. Therefore, it would be best to remove it from the essay in total. In the concluding paragraph, just have the professor say that you present your ideas clearly. Do no use big words that do not really fit in overall presentation of the essay. It is enough to say that you share your ideas clearly. Over emphasis with "succinctly" is not not necessary anymore Also, don't have the professor wish you the best with your application. The letter is not addressed to you so such sentiment is misplaced in the overall content.

Writing Feedback / "The Aesthetics of Silence" My personal essay on remaining silent [4]

Is Aaron still your best friend at this point? After this falling out, did the two of you become friends again? The reason is ask is because of the timeline continuity and tense usage in your essay. You are going from present to past tense in a matter of 3 sentences. Make sure that you use the correct time reference (past, present, future) in all your sentences referring to your relationship with Aaron.

It seems to me that you have already effectively presented the required 3 scenarios pertaining to the effect of silence on your life. So if you have the space to do so, you should already look into wrapping up the essay with a concluding paragraph that tells the reader what lessons you have learned regarding the effect of silence in your life and if you are already making changes in yourself to help you let your voice be heard in instances when it is important that you do so. I assume that your teacher will expect you to close the essay on a "moral lesson" type of note so it is best that you start developing your closing statement at this point. All of the stories are already good enough to represent your situation at this point. There should be nothing more to add to it.

Writing Feedback / Writing 2: Despite health warnings, a large number of people continue to smoke [5]

Arlen cohesiveness and cohesion are terms that are used to describe how effectively you present the information that you have on paper. This means that you are able to present your ideas in a manner that a reader can understand and follow because you were able to create a foundation for the proper understanding of your information presentation. Basically coherence is defined as a systematic or logical connection or consistency in a sentence. While cohesiveness refers to the way that you integrate or merge the various information that you have in different paragraphs into a single meaning or thought withing the essay. Here is an example of a cohesive and coherent paragraph that I developed to help you understand what I am explaining:

John wanted to get the apples on the highest branch of the tree. He knew that he needed a ladder in order to climb that high and get the fruits. John was told by his father sometime ago that the ladder was in the barn. So he went to the barn to get the ladder. After getting the ladder, he leaned the ladder on the strongest part of the tree that led to the highest point. He then climbed the ladder and reached the highest point. He began picking the apples from the highest point in the tree.

This is an example of a cohesive and coherent paragraph. You state the topic, explain the reason, how it can be accomplished, and finally, the accomplishment. You need to be able to present your thoughts in a logical manner to the reader. It has to follow a thought process that leads to not only an understanding, but a satisfying conclusion as well.

So what can you do to improve your writing in this aspect? Since you are still doing practice tests, it is important that when you are practicing at home, that you learn how to first outline your discussion and then learn to present the outline in essay form. The cohesiveness comes from the logical or step by step presentation of your facts. The coherence, comes from how the information comes together in an understandable manner to the reader once the paragraph or essay is finished.

Please feel free to ask additional questions if you have any. I'll try to respond as soon as I can.

Writing Feedback / "The Aesthetics of Silence" My personal essay on remaining silent [4]

Rahul, why is this essay getting longer and longer? It is not making sense anymore. I think that you have shown more than enough examples of how your silence has become a negative aspect of your life. Are you writing this for a college application or an English writing class? I would like to know exactly what you are supposed to write and please, provide the instructions, the original instructions for the development of this paper from your teacher because I want to make sure that the essay follows the direction and objectives that you were given. At this point, your essay is already going around in circles. It is becoming boring and uninteresting because you are just showing various ways of how your silence affected you negatively. At a certain point in this essay, your lessons learned should become evident, a change in your personality should occur, and a conclusion must be presented. At this rate, those depictions should have presented at least 2 paragraphs ago. The essay is too long already and doesn't make sense anymore.

Graduate / I need some advise on my application to ETH Zurich - motivation, area of interest in the Department [4]

Ramakrishna, you can safely remove the reference to managing the college quiz team in this essay. That and its succeeding information are not strong enough to make an impression on the reviewer in the same way that the previous paragraphs in your essay can do. Removing this reference will continue to strengthen the work you are presenting.

Make sure to present verifiable information in your essay. Always mention the project title of your thesis and any other major papers that you worked on with a summation of the content as well as information about its publication (if any). The reviewers are aware of the hard work and strong foundations that the potential MS students have so they always want to know more about your background and abilities in research and knowledge in the field that they might not get from just your application documents. So take advantage of the opportunity to give them the strongest information possible about your research background. This is after all, masters studies we are talking about and most of your time will be spent doing research related to your dissertation topic.

Speaking of which, where is your potential dissertation topic proposal summary? As a type 1 Diabetic, I was hoping to read that you would be using the facilities of the university to further research technological and chemical advancements in this field based upon specific concerns you have for your own health that can help other people. Please make sure to develop that research portion of your essay as the reviewers also consider the information in the final consideration of your application. Such questions show how you will work with notable names from the university, use the university resources, and hopefully, publish another paper that will this time, show the collaboration between the university and the student, thus highlighting the leadership of the university in this field of research. You already mentioned that Zurich is one of the medical capitals of the world, so make sure you ride that wave of recognition in your application to help make it stronger.

Undergraduate / Finally stepping out of my comfort zone- help with my motivational statement for Peace corps! [3]

Marilu, your essay has the beginnings of a strong discussion as to why you were motivated to join the Peace Corps. However, I am not clear as to how you came to the conclusion at the age of 13, when adult ambitions have yet to be finalized in the eyes of a child, that joining the Peace Corps for 2 years of your adult life if the profession you would want to have. Try to add some sort of remarkable or memorable impact that your interaction with Peace Corps volunteers at that time had on you. By the way, remove the uncertainty from the statement. Make sure that you say Peace Corps volunteers, leave the missionaries out of it. If you are not sure about who and what you saw, the reviewer will not be confident in your application presentation because you may not really have been influence by the Peace Corps.

Make sure that you integrate a reference to the 3 goals of the Peace Corps in relation to your goals for wishing to join the troops. It is important that you show a clear understanding of what the goals of the organization are and the demands that will you be called upon to address using the limited skills, equipment, and support available to you in your country of assignment. Just feeling confident that you have background to survive is not enough. You have to show the reviewer that you can survive 2 years in the harshest living conditions, not just tell him.

Finally, looking forward to leaving your comfort zone is not what joining the Corps is all about. You have to be sure that your motivation contains references to the way that you are physically, emotionally, and intellectually prepared for the challenges you are about to face. For example, if you have experience as a mountain climber, advanced camping skills, and even, the ability to speak multiple languages, these are all traits that will help the reviewer believe that you just might be able to survive 2 years without the most basic necessities and modern world connections that your assignment will bestow upon you.

Try to adjust the content of the statement to show that your motivations are supported by your skills and ability to adapt in the harshest environment, the essay is a bit shaky when it comes to supporting that portion of your statement.

Scholarship / My early fascination for computers combined with a strong liking for analytical subjects inspired me [10]

Valerie, the first thing I need to understand is, are you writing this personal statement of academic goals for the Mastercard Scholarship Foundation or as an application for the U of T? The type of content and focus of the essay will differ depending upon the type of reader it is meant for. Kindly provide us with a copy of the complete prompt that you are responding to so that we can spot the difference and actually tailor our advice for the correct audience that will be reading your essay.

Now, the first mistake that you made in this essay is the fact that you spent more than a paragraph on defining what a goal is. What is means to you and its relation to your mindset as a child. Skip that part. Those are all unimportant at college level essays. Your essay can best start off with the second paragraph because it immediately draws the attention of the reader to your goals as a college student.

However, your reasons for choosing U of T are definitely weak and will not impress the reviewer. You based your statement off a student brochure, which tells the reviewer that you did not base your decision to attend this university on a personal connection or understanding of what the school has to offer you. The comments are too vague and would sound very weak even for any other generic school that it could be referring to. So you need to research the actual background of the school in terms of academics and campus life if you wish to create that internal connection between the two.

These are the general comments and observations that I have for your essay. I may add and adjust my advice to you depending upon the target audience of your essay as based upon the actual prompt requirement.

Research Papers / Negative connotation of feminism and reasonings of why women today do not identify with the movement [3]

Aicha, as a personal interest essay, you should be concentrating less on the factual presentation of the discussion and more on the development of your personality as a feminist over time. You had a good start by discussing your ideas of Feminism and how you ended up an accidental feminist by enrolling in the class during your senior year. From that point though, you just started to mention research point after research point without really allowing yourself to connect with the information. As a research paper / personal essay, the main objective of this paper is to present a smooth and integrated look at your development as a Feminist based upon the data that you collected for the presentation. That connection, between the development of your feminist mindset and the history of feminism is where the strength of this personal research paper will lie. This is to be a journey of self discovery and self education that you would not have had the chance to experience if you had not been assigned to develop this paper. I suggest that you follow through and clearly display the current mindset that you have about feminism based upon its history and your personal experience as a developing feminist.

Undergraduate / Intra-university transfer statement detailing why you want to join School of Information Studies [5]

Keegan, I believe that you can remove your history with computers that indicate the age of 11. The age when you got your first computer is actually irrelevant to the reason why you wish to change schools at Syracuse. This essay should basically cover just 2 paragraphs for conciseness. That means that the first paragraph should explain why you are not satisfied with your current major / department and the second should explain why you think the transfer will best suit your educational needs. There is no need for a transition story that dates so far back between the two paragraphs.

For the first paragraph, make sure to mention your current major, any accomplishments you have in that major that left you feeling unsatisfied, and the major reasons why you felt attracted to the iSchool. In the case of transfer students, the reason behind the transfer should always sound like a logical progression of interests. Starting with the one that you are currently in, slowly moving towards the iSchool due to exposure to technology or the classes from that department (through schoolmates or dorm mates) over time. At the moment, your line of reasoning in the first paragraph makes it seem like your current course was only meant, on your part, as a place holder at the university until you figured out what you really wanted to study. Don't make your statement sound that way because the reviewer might tend to think that you will be transferring departments again in the future.

In order to convince the reviewer that you are destined for the new major that you are opting for and that you will not be switching majors in the future, you need to strengthen the reasons for your wish to transfer. First of all, pick a major at the iSchool. Then focus your reason for transferring on the Cyber Security angle since that seems to be the part that has the most impact among your computer interests and could, very well lead to a strong decision regarding your major at the department.

So, the portions that I feel you should build on in this essay are paragraphs 1 and 3. You can transition your interest from your current major using a simple sentence to lead into the interest in computers. Remember, be specific, pick a major and discuss your skills development in that field in order to try to convince the reviewer that you have finally found your final major for college.

Writing Feedback / A simple profound accomplishment; the pride of winning a competition [2]

Aimee, are you writing this essay as a part of an English exercise or are you writing this as a part of a college application? I am asking because my advice to you regarding the writing will vary depending upon the audience for this paper. If it is only for your English grammar teacher, then you have done well enough and will only require proof reading and format adjustment because the content allowed you to express yourself in a simple English grammar kind of way. Which is expected of a student just learning to speak English.

However, if you are using this for a college application then, the essay needs more work in terms of story development, should be proof read more in order to avoid redundancies and inaccurate terms, and most of all, needs to be properly formatted so as not to stress the reviewer's eyes. Please tell me which of the two types of writing audience this paper is meant for so that I can properly assess your work and provide you with more relevant suggestions.

The only consistent suggestion that I can offer you, regardless of the essay type is the need for you to break the essay down into paragraphs in order to allow the reader to have an easier time in reading your work. Right now, the paper is too tight on the page and becomes difficult to read as the story progresses. You should separate the paragraphs via topic sentences, using the enter button to create a space between paragraphs and topics. The enter button should be pressed at the end of each sentence that is discussing a particular topic. A new topic requires a new paragraph. That is a standard format that should be followed regardless of the writing audience for the essay.