Writing Feedback / Writing Task II _ Smokers should leave building to enjoy their cigerettes [2]

Hi Husnul, I believe that you would get a score band of 6 for this work of yours. There is a clear understanding of the prompt and you were able to present your opinion based upon factual supporting data. As such, you have proven that although your grammar may be wrong in some points, you have the ability to coherently discuss an issue. More importantly, your discussion, flawed grammar and all, is sure to be understood by the person you are or will be conversing with. A word of advice though, keep in mind that the paragraphs need to be composed of at least 3 well developed sentences at all times. While I did not deduct points for that error in your writing for this practice test, it will have an adverse effect on your score in the actual test.

Undergraduate / What qualities or Characteristics can you contribute to UCF - Humble, Strong, Liberated Mindset [3]

Jax, this is a pretty good essay. It really shows the kind of contribution that you can make to the university. That said, there is still room for improvement within certain paragraphs. I am not sure in which paragraphs you can insert my suggestions. I know that you will be able to find a spot for my upcoming suggestions. These are just meant to better highlight how you can contribute to UCF.

1. If UCF already has existing organizations that you can join based upon your description of your character, I suggest you mention the organization. That way you can better represent your ideas that pertain to changing a mindset, increasing enjoyment during college, and other similar contributions.

2. If there is no organization, then suggest that you would be open and willing to pioneering or founding such an organization for the benefit of the students.

Your essay has a good foundation based upon theoretical ideas. It will be strengthened further if you can connect it to actual organizations that you can join or establish during your tenure as a student. Consider this a paper that should highlight your ability to become a student leader on campus. That, after all, comprises the reasons behind your contribution to the campus community. Remember, you need help to execute your plans to contribute to the university community. This would be the best way and time to present these ideas for the university's consideration.

Undergraduate / Why Columbia? Better to ask: Why Core Curriculum? [2]

Aris, I think you should reorganize some paragraphs in your essay for better effect. The positioning of your sentences have an impact upon the way that your message is received by the reader. So you have to make sure that your sentences represent a proper flow of discussion. If you rearranged your second and third paragraphs to instead read in the following manner:

with With the emphasis on the importance of an education ... In my opinion, the Core Curriculum PROMOTED BY COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY provides a holistic education ...
Then rearrange the next paragraph this way:
In spite of this perspective, Columbia University continues to ... Columbia University in the fall of 2017, thereby galvanizing me to apply.
You end up discussing the negative first and then closing the essay on a highly positive note. The progression of the discussion also feels more natural as one reads the material.

Undergraduate / Georgia Tech essay prompt - If you had the opportunity to create a class, what would it be and why? [3]

Yamini, I believe that you should think of another class to imagine up for the statement. You see, there is already a class called "Creative Writing" in universities that are either elective or required classes in some majors like Journalism. The purpose of the class is to encourage the students to think creatively and set their thoughts down properly on paper. It encourages critical thinking, opinion making, imaginative content and similar topics to what you have indicated for your "Creative Thinking" class. Maybe you have a personal interest, hobby, or something similar that could be discussed as a potential class that you can create. For example, you can create a class in "Dog Language" with the objective of learning what the meaning is behind the barks of dogs. I know that sounds silly but those are the kinds of classes that normally catch the eye of the reviewer. Be creative and unique. Make sure that your idea is not already existing as a formal class in college.

Undergraduate / Comment and explanation section of pffa Princeton [12]

I suggest that you look into some scholarship programs that you can apply to. This will show the financial aid committee that you are proactive in terms of finding ways to finance your education. This is not limited to just financial aid and scholarships. You can also mention that you have some skills that will allow you to secure employment either on campus or off campus once you are legally allowed to work as a student in the country. If you know of any relative who may be willing to help support your education, you should make mention of that as well. You should not rely solely on the financial aid for your educational fees. Neither should that be the sole focus of your aid application. It is important that they know you are a responsible person who will do what it takes to legally finance your education in the country.

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

Here are the paragraphs where I feel we can delete portions without affecting the overall essay:

Kaudena, a village located at the south of Nepal, is the place where my mother was married at the tender age of 16. It is located in a very rural area and barely has any facilities that the capital Kathmandu has.

... family. Little did I know that this visit would be the most life altering period of my life. ... DURING THIS VISIT, I almost became a child bride myself because my grandfather insisted...

expensive. Lucky for me, my father had a different mindset ...
He wanted me to have a better future than the other girls from our village. ...
... generation to the next. He wanted something more for me too. He has always been supportive of my ambitions and I feel grateful to h...

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

The paragraphs that you mentioned are already in its final form. That is why it was not included in the latest round of revisions that I made. Unless of course you want to make changes to those paragraphs? Basically, the changes I advised you to apply the last time should help you create the final form of your essay. Do you have any more problems with the overall content, grammar, of depiction of the essay theme? If you do, then I will work with you regarding fixing that. Otherwise, the essay should be ready for submission. If you would like, we can cut down some more on the discussion about your mother's illness and the early marriage your grandfather was insisting upon. If you have a word count limitation, those are the parts that we can edit without affecting the overall content of your essay.

Undergraduate / Comment and explanation section of pffa Princeton [12]

This is definitely a well developed response. It shows a clear idea as to the financial status of your family and offers information about how your parents will be paying for your fees and why they can only afford so much. It would help your application for financial aid if you mention how you plan to contribute towards the payment of your own tuition fee as well. You should make mention of any other financial aid applications that you have pending, the chances of you winning the scholarship, and how much that will most likely contribute to paying off the final cost of your education.

With that said, I believe that the additional information will help depict a clearer picture of how dire your need for financial aid is. Once you add the necessary information, we can work on creating the final content. Remember, don't exaggerate your situation, just tell it like it is. Tell the truth because they will ask your parents to submit financial documents in support of your financial aid application.

Undergraduate / Child of a thousand hills from Rwanda [5]

Sama, here are some suggestions for you:

1. ... ( a traditionally grass weaved WOVEN basket) with food or... These practices are no longer NO LONGER EXIST, but the spirit o...

As a child of a thousand hills, I am diligent and loving!
- This line is not necessary because it does not relate to the previous paragraph. You don't need to talk about yourself in this statement because that is not being asked for.

2. ... Most definitely, I will minor in an interesting arts course!!
- The question is asking about your major, not your minor so you don't need to mention an art course. Just indicate what the prompt requires. Don't get creative by offering additional information that is not asked for. That shows that you are incapable of following simple direction and therefore, not ready to become a college student.

3....helps me blow-off steam and find resolutions to affairs! Music is everything!
- Why do you feel a need to punctuate every example with a strong sentiment about something that is not required by the question? You could have solidly ended this response with the first exclamation point. The second one, just removes the impact of your statement.

Sama, in all honesty, you have to stop shouting at the reviewer! Exclamation points must only be used in the proper context. Otherwise, in a formal discussion such as this, you come across as always shouting when there is no reason to. Please, review all of the responses you have and change the exclamation points to periods whenever possible. It doesn't make sense for you to keep a high tone of voice in your written work because, as writing rules suggest, exclamation points are the equivalent of shouting on paper and should not be used in formal communication.

5. You delivered the wrong response to the prompt. You spoke about your mother and the trials she had to face in raising you. Your response should have been about you. A challenge you faced and had to overcome. The whole statement is a summarized biography concentrated on your mother and your upbringing. It does not portray how you personally handle tight situations, which is what the question wanted you to respond to.

6. You should use your current answer in question number 5 to respond to this prompt. Your story is exactly what this prompt requires. So you just need a new answer for question 5 and use that answer in question six instead.

Undergraduate / What is a small goal I hope to accomplish in the near or far future? Sleep. [2]

Shawn, there are some parts of your essay that can better stated in order to create a more interesting discussion. Don't get me wrong, this essay is good. The topic is interesting, the presentation is humorous. It calls out to the reader to keep reading on. So you have accomplished the most important task of this writing test. However, properly presenting your thoughts, to reveal a more intellectual side of you is just as important. So I would like to offer some advice as to how to further improve your work. Suggestions such as :

Do I get enough sleep? No, but sometimes when I sneeze my eyes close . I DON'T GET ENOUGH SLEEP. Sleep and I... I hold HAVE a harmful relationship with SLEEP , one who THAT leaves me staring ... walls- restlessness .

( NO CHANGES)

I ponderedon ABOUT many things before I slept SLEEP. ...next day, AND asked myself a lot of questions LIKE - "d Does Emily from recess like me?". ... tired to REMEMBER OR write it down.

These days I stay awake on a new bed: , stressed STRESSING about the test the next ..
... worry of ABOUT tomorrow- the days when my mind could be at peace.

...state of tranquility- OF MAKING FRIENDS WITH SLEEP AGAIN and with it...

These changes should clean up the essay in terms of grammar and create a more fluid presentation for the reader.

Undergraduate / There is one thing only a few people know about me, I produce music: personal statement [2]

Tim, your essay is unique and really interesting to read. It presents a hidden side of you that may not have been noticed or you may not have had the opportunity to present in the common app essays. The mind of a music producer is something that intrigues most people. By the way, don't use the generic term producer in your essay. Refer to yourself as a music producer because that is what you do and produce. Simply calling yourself a producer puts you in a pile of many. You want to stand out, hence the term "music" in the title.

You say that producing music has helped you become a better lawyer. Can you clarify that point in the essay? You need to create some sort of connection between an analysis of the law and the development of music in order to create an even more interesting focal point for your essay. I mean, there are lawyers who are actors in Hollywood, but I bet there are few (if any) lawyers and music producers in the field. You are one of those unique individuals who has managed to merge two different worlds, so make sure that your reader will be conscious of that fact. As a student, it will add value to your application.

Scholarship / Essay for Chevening Scholarship, which is need to check grammar and writing way [3]

Sakee you have accurately provided the requirements of the UK Study Plan. You cannot just pick three universities and expect to study the same course at any of these universities. The scholarship committee wants to see what your career plan is. Therefore, you need to pick 3 different courses, at 3 different universities. Upon doing so, you should take at least a paragraph each to discuss the university you chose, the course you hope to enroll if admitted, and relate it to your current or future career plan. Remember the essays calls for you to outline your university courses. Therefore, you can't generalize your answer. The response has to be in the form of "one university, one course" in order to comply with the prompt. Neither can you generalize your academic and work experience, with a misplaced quote in your response, as the academic and professional plan for your future.

Don't try to take a shortcut when responding to the prompt. Chevening is one of the most sought after scholarships in the world today. They only take the most deserving and promising candidates into their fold. As per what I have read in this statement, as it is too short to be an actual, properly informed essay, the reviewer will read this and decide that you are not serious about your application. That is why the essay is not only under developed, but useless when it comes to responding to the prompt. Try to deliver on the prompt requirements as I have explained them to you above. That is the only way you can improve this paper and give it a chance at consideration once you submit it.

Writing Feedback / Yes, the money... but another factor which make employee motivated to work is good cooperation. [3]

Radjah, I do believe that your scoring for this essay would start somewhere at the band of 6. You have managed to develop the essay in a proper manner although your introduction and concluding paragraphs were shorter than the required number of sentences. You were able to present sufficient supporting evidence that shows a clear understanding of the prompt. Your word usage shows an intermediate level of English grammar knowledge which led to understandable paragraphs even though the language was not as grammatically correct as it should be. Your essay would have been helped tremendously if you had managed to not only add information in the introduction, but also made it clear you agreed with the prompt statement. Rather than saying that "I also claim...", you should have instead started with "I agree with the given statement and would like to add that..." Remember, when you are asked for an opinion, it should be clearly stated in the introduction and given supporting evidence within the next paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / Several countries permit under-age children to work [4]

Alrisky, if I were the examiner reviewing your written exam, I would be scoring this as a 4. While the essay is well written and presents coherent ideas. The main problem with the essay is that it did not cover all of the prompt requirements. You successfully argued both sides of the issue but, you failed to build a discussion regarding your personal opinion on the given prompt. If you will review the prompt, you will notice that you were expected to provide specific information in each paragraph:

Paragraph 1 - Overview of the prompt and a statement of your opinion.
Paragraph 2 - Supporting discussion with evidence.
Paragraph 3 - Opposing discussion with evidence.
Paragraph 4 - Your personal opinion as an expanded discussion
Paragraph 5 - Conclusion

Your grammar use lacks complexity so that also affected the final score that I believe, could be given to your essay. Don't let this review tear you down though. I know that you will continue to show improvement over the coming days and your score will improve alongside it.

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

When my mother was my age, she loved new dresses ... she was already married off and suffering from the consequences of being a child bride in an arranged marriage.

During my childhood, my mother was often hospitalized. ...From time to time, I would go back to Kaudena for a visit.
Kaudena, a village located ... Lucky for me, my father had a different mindset. He wanted me to have the freedom ...
I want to someday work for the benefit societies such AS the one I left in Kaudena.
I hope the changes I made to the essay are clear to you. It comes out with 478 characters after the edit. I am not sure what your actual limit is on the words but I am guessing it is 500 and we are well below that limit at the moment.

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

Can you add a line to the end of the opening paragraph. I think this line will help tie in your sentiments with the rest of the essay. I wonder if you would be agreeable to adding the following:

... already married off. When my mother was my age, she was already suffering from the consequences of being a child bride in an arranged marriage.

I think this will effectively transition the paragraph into the next one that starts with:
During my childhood, I had to frequently visit my mother in the hospital...
Aside from this very slight revision, I believe the essay is more than ready for you to submit already. I apologize for the late addition to the essay. It only occurred to me to add that line as I was reviewing it again a few moments ago. I hope you can use it.

Scholarship / Effective role in social, political, and cultural development of Afghanistan - Chevening Scholarship [2]

Ahmad, your essay is really good but can use some revision in order to make it more impressive. I suggest that you focus the essay solely on your networking skills related to the policy making, council work, and your senior group leadership. That thread of information is more than enough to create an impressive image of yourself as a leader who knows how to effectively use a network, I don't suggest keeping the part about women's empowerment. As you can see, you wrote a very short paragraph about that experience of yours. That should be enough to tell you that it is not as important or impressive as your earlier related experience. So it is really not going to be of help to your application. Remember to always use only the impressive information in relation to the prompt. That is the best way to assure yourself of a well developed essay.

Now, I have to point out that there is a part of the prompt requirements that I feel, was not properly represented in the essay. In fact, I don't see any reference to the following prompt within the essay:

Outline how you hope to use these skills in the future.
You should be able to discuss how your previous skills will be able to help you create a new network within Chevening. What kind of network will it be? Who shall its members be? What shall the network's objective be? Finally, how can Chevening help you create this network? Those are some factors to consider when you develop that particular prompt paragraph for your essay.

You need to make sure that your essay covers all of the prompt requirements. That is a must. One missing prompt response and you will jeopardize your application. So be very careful with developing your responses. Make sure all of the prompts are represented.

Undergraduate / Extracurricular activities, work - need guidance on improvement in language and grammar! [5]

I revised it to 106 words. Here's hoping it sounds like what you want to say in your statement.

I have been working at Hoste Hainse for the past two years and a half. This was an organization that helped local communities in Nepal. I enjoy my volunteer work there because it allows me tutor orphans and abandoned children. I have formed strong bonds with my wards and have done my best to inspire them to look towards a brighter future because they have the potential to do so. I helped organize activities such as debates and story writing competitions once a week. It is a task I enjoy very much because of the emotional and social growth that working with these children offers me.

In all honesty, you have a very good background to share with the reviewer. The only problem is that you need to learn how to tighten the essays or statements so that it makes your application stronger in terms of grammar usage.

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

In answer to the question above. You can certainly use that last line to open the last paragraph. In fact, it will help to further improve the sentiment that you are portraying in that paragraph. It gives a sense of sentimentality and hope for the future. That is an excellent idea on your part. By all means, go ahead and do it.

As for the merging. Here is what I have in mind in terms of blending the new paragraph with the current one:
Kaudena, a village located at the south of Nepal...

New opening:
When my mother was my age... When my mother was my age, she was already married off...

New 2nd paragraph:
During my childhood, I had to ... I would go back to Kaudena for a visit.

New 3rd paragraph:
Kaudena, a village located at the south of Nepal... the capital Kathmandu has. When I was 13, I visited Kaudena with my family...

I decided that the opening statement still had some use in your essay provided it was placed in a paragraph where it made the most sense to place it. I hope you see it the same way.

Undergraduate / Busy two years in Nepal - spending free time on previous vacations [3]

Here you go. Revised and edited to produce a 118 word statement:
I spent my AS Level summer continuing my work at the Hoste Hainse Project (Nepal) as a tutor. I tutored underprivileged children in Math, Computer, Science, and English. I also participated as a volunteer at the People's Climate March. The final 8 days of my summer that year were spend going on an educational tour in Pokhara. During my A2 level summer, I volunteered at the Nepal India Women Friendship Society as a volunteer at the earthquake rehabilitation program. My job included helping to distribute relief packages and equipment. When I was not working as a volunteer, I participated in the society's youth club where I helped organize an entertainment program for the benefit of the quake victims.

I hope you like it.

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

If you combine the first and second paragraph into one you can shorten the length of your essay and make it easier to read. Since the first and second paragraphs are connected in terms of content, then you can join the two and create a more solid paragraph. The rest of the essay seems okay. If it were up to me, I would use this essay already. I feel that it is as ready as it can be and can't be edited any more. It delivers on all aspects. If I were to make a final change to the essay though, it would be to remove the last line that ends in ellipses. It doesn't really read like a strong closing to the essay. It is just hanging there, waiting for more information to be provided. While without it, the essay closes on a hopeful and strong note. Again, that is just my opinion. If you want to keep that line in then do so.

Undergraduate / "What does not destroy me makes me stronger" - Princeton Supplement prompt 5 [13]

Let me get something straight. Were you or were you not attending college at that point in time? What exactly were you doing at the college if you were not enrolled there? Clarify that point for me so that I can make the proper decision as to how to formulate the sentence. Why do you want to use the term "first attended" How many times have you attended college as a freshman. Basically, I changed the term because one does not "join" a college like a club. One "attends" college because you are there for a purpose, which is to study. Which was the reason for you?

...I feared asking questions OF my teachers??Can you check this sentence?
- Believe me, that sentence structure is correct. You chat with your teachers, you speak with your teachers, but you ask questions OF your teachers. When you "ask of" it means that you are requesting something from your teacher. In this case you feared "asking of information" from your teachers. You are asking your teacher to actively participate in providing or meeting your requirements which in this case, would be the response to your question. So the term being used is correct. It is an Old English English phrase that indicates that a person is well read and intellectual.

No. Don't add anything about what you can contribute to Princeton. That is not required at this point and will only change the slant of your essay. You will deviate from the prompt provided and it will make the reviewer think that you either did not understand the requirements of the prompt or you are the kind of student who does not follow instructions. You don't need a lengthy essay, you only need an essay that delivers on the requirements you were provided for the development of your essay.

Undergraduate / "What does not destroy me makes me stronger" - Princeton Supplement prompt 5 [13]

Let's play the editing game this time. I see some points for correction. Please note them and apply it to the next version of the paper.

.... At the mid of my tenth grade, I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TENTH GRADE WHEN my father (the single earner in my family) ... Thus, we were forced to make our living possible with OUR FAMILY SURVIVED ON less than $1.5 per day...of such A financial crisis... depression from OVER the last eighteen years...

The little bank savingA that my father had done was mostly spent in ON the medical expenses of my mother...

I am rewording the next paragraph to make it read more fluidly.
Entering the 11th grade, I knew that my father would not be able to pay for my tuition fees and other expenses. Yet, I refused to stop going to school. I took it upon myself to seek our scholarships to high school across Kathmandu. I heard of a scholarship that would allow me to study A Levels at Trinity International College. I applied for and won a full scholarship. thus easing my academic financial woes somewhat.

I had to gain admission into the 11th grade ... examination and fortunately getting the highest marks, I received a full scholarship.

...scholarship reduced THE major financial burden of ON my family members,... off my daily expenditure EXPENSES. In order to save 10 cents, I would walk 6 miles to the college than take a public vehicle. The pressure of maintaining scholarship itself acted as a catalyst for me to give my best to academics. In trying to accomplish the scholarship criteria, I found myself refining my abilities. Scoring the highest marks and securing top positions in my college became important to me because on one hand, I had to retain my scholarship and on the other, I wanted to contribute something to the society in future.

When I joined my ATTENDED college, ... questions with OF my teachers then... subject teachers...imagined to be IN ... I could enhanceD my communication skills and grow GREW my self-confidence.

...feared that I won't[/S[ WOULD NOT be able to achieve the A high school (...) taught me to tackle DEAL with them effectively, ...

This is all the editing we need to do for now.

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

More editing work. I hope you won't mind :-)

...to frequently see visit my mother... One day, upon asking I REQUESTED the psychiatrist who treated my mother TO EXPLAIN TO ME ABOUT WHAT WAS AILING HER, . I ... the cause of her illness cause was the shock caused by getting married at ANthe early age.... got slightLY better, my father decided ...

My father was the first IN HIS generation to discontinue...
. He has always tended to help the family regardless of where he was in his work. He has always been supportive of my ambitions ...
... , I would bring the girls of my village in the new light of OPEN THE MINDS OF THE GIRLS IN MY VILLAGE TO THE IDEA THAT THEY CAN ALSO HAVE educational and economic prosperity. I WOULD SAVE THEM FROM THE FATE OF MY MOTHER. so that they would not undergo psychological disorders as my mom ... I have an ambition t...

... With the education and experiences I wish to receive WILL BE RECEIVING, I want to someday work for THE BENEFIT societies such as mine THE ONE I LEFT IN KAUDENA.

My edits are meant to give your essay a deeper meaning. I hope it works for you.

Writing Feedback / Climate change: human's role and effects - exploratory essay [4]

Your thesis is too broad in the sense that you are talking about human activities in general. That makes it difficult to discuss your statement of the activity being unimaginable in terms of its effect on climate change. What you have to do is narrow down the human activity in order to zero in one a particular climate change result. An example of a narrowed down thesis for this would be:

Man produces over a million tons of unsegregated garbage per day. This unsegregated garbage fills up landfills with non-biodegradable materials. These materials have been known to have a direct effect on our climate change. One of its major effects being greenhouse gases. Over the course of the next 10 years, the human act of non-segregation of trash will result in a faster erosion of our ozone layer.

The next paragraph can cover this sample discussion:
Non- segregation of trash causes the permeation of hazardous gases in our atmosphere which adds to the toxins that are destroying our ozone layer. At a rate of...

The third paragraph covers:
Basing the erosion of the ozone layer at a rate of 10 percent every year, the mere act of trash non-segregation will result in the following dire effects for our planet...

Then you can conclude your statement in the manner you were taught by your instructor. At this point, it is the narrowing down of the discussion that is important. I have tried to provide you with examples that can guide you in doing that.

Undergraduate / Free for all isn't too free... [3]

Caroline, you can actually reduce the character count If you do the following changes:

... Shaya, for instance, had a speech ... video chatted one another , she would confide...
In doing so, I would talk to her about it ... all while learning how to ... understanding, and ...
Moreover, around AROUND that same time, my parents were going through a difficult divorce in which I was very much involved in.Due to it, I started drowning in discouragement, ... I'veformed DEVELOPED resiliency and persistence.

One occasion, for instance, is when I was struggling in some of my school courses ...
Instead of letting me give up ON my schoolwork ...
As this THIS went on for a couple of weeks AND , I soon found myself adapting and forming this DEVELOPING determination and drive... indisposition I've once had...

Now, I'm happy to say ... one hundred hours.
All in all, in this day and age, technology is used to connect people and form relationships, like in my case. However, Shaya and I's MY friendship goes a bit beyond...

These changes should bring you well below the character limitation of the essay with room to spare.

Scholarship / "Happiness is only true when shared with others" Chevening Networking Question [19]

Ali, the editing part of the essay is always the hardest. It is difficult for you as the writer to separate yourself from the content that you wrote. As far as you are concerned, everything that you wrote is important. Every sentence needs to be there, every little fact included. You are too close to your work. So I suggest that you read the essay from the point of view of an editor. If you were editing someone else's work, what would you cut out and why? What would you compress? Do you think doing those things will make the essay better? These are the questions that you should ask yourself as you try to shorten your essay. It will help you decide which parts to remove, edit, or compress.

If you feel that you cannot do that accurately for some reason, then don't hesitate to ask for help. Post your revised essay within this thread and we will all work together to help you edit it for length and content. Don't be scared. Don't feel hopeless. We are here to help you. All you have to do is ask. Relax and take a deep breath. We will perfect your essay soon enough :-)

Scholarship / To eradicate the wrong thinking that all Muslims are terrorists. LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE essay [7]

Faisel, please don't be offended but you should not allow a false impression of Muslims to take over the way you write this paper. It does not offer the information that is normally found in such an essay because it delves on topics of racial discrimination, a sense of self-importance, and a general discussion of what you perceive to be the leadership roles you have had over a course of time. If you want to really present your leadership and influencing skills to the reviewer, then present a solid event that you participated in that will do exactly that. What you need is factual evidence of your leadership and influencing skills. The information you have provided cannot be fact checked by the reviewer because it doesn't mention anything specific about your leadership role.

I believe that you can do this more effectively by discussing the leadership role that you had during your final year project. Start by explaining what the project was about and how you found yourself becoming the leader of the group. Tell the reviewer about the difficulties you faced, in an expanded form. At the end, display specific moments during the project development that highlights you leadership and influencing skills. Right now, the only part of the essay that best responds to the prompt sits in this version as a mere overview when it has the potential to exponentially help your essay.

Remember, generalized discussions work for summary essays. It does not do much for you when you have a very fact based essay to write about. Pick one topic and develop it along the vein of the prompt expectations instead.

Scholarship / I selected the three university courses; Chevening - "Studying in the UK" Question [6]

Eng, don't present a generalized discussion of your plan for studies in the UK. You need to be university and course specific if you want the reviewer to believe that you have given a great deal of thought to the reasons as to why you wish to study in the UK. I can see that you have an impressive resume in terms of career experience. So it should not be hard for you to develop a longer discussion of your career plan. Some of the required elements of the essay are as follows:

1. The universities you wish to attend and the course you plan to enroll in.
2. A discussion of the relation of your chosen master program with your career experience and future career plan. Keep in mind that you should also have 3 career avenues to discuss. That is one for each university because you never know which university will grant you admission.

3. A summary of how you see the completion of either of the 3 masters degree affecting your future plans for your career. In the overall scheme of things, how will the masters degree help you in general?

Once you cover these 3 required points, you should have developed an accurate study plan for submission with the rest of your application.

Writing Feedback / IELTS. 'the money should be better spent' - Wasteful Space Program - Agree or disagree [5]

Naoki, the essay asked you to agree or disagree with the statement. While you did discuss both sides of the issue in an informed manner, you did not accurately represent your agreement with side that you chose to support. Since an essay normally has 5 paragraphs, the 4th paragraph should have been a defense of the side that you support based upon your personal reasons for choosing this side. That creates a well developed discussion for the essay since all sides are represented in the discussion. Merely saying that you agree with a particular side in the opening statement does not qualify as a complete and valid argument in support of your chosen position.

When you revise this essay, and as you write your future essays, keep in mind that you must properly discuss your personal opinion when it is asked for in the prompt. Don't just say "I agree" and leave it at that. A complete essay provides an informed discussion. This essay, only presents a partial discussion. So there is room for improvement if you decide to revise the essay.

Scholarship / I'm applying to a Chevening scholarship but I need some help with this four questions. [4]

Each of these statements need to be expanded into essay length responses. I believe that the maximum word count is provided along with the prompt. Take into consideration that your responses to each prompt is so brief that it doesn't really offer a comprehensive insight into what you are trying to tell the reviewer. You need to be thorough in your response because this is part of your preliminary interview. If you do not present an effective series of essays, you might not be able to get a final interview date. Let's get started.

1. When you talk of your leadership and influencing skills. Discuss a real activity or organization wherein you exercised a role as the leader. As the leader, you were expected to lead the team using the skills of motivation and influence. Discuss a part of the activity that the organization was involved in where you had to exert your leadership role. If the team was uncooperative, explain how you motivated / influenced them to work together in order to have a successful activity.

2. For your academic / study plan, I believe that you need to present your choice of 3 universities, with varying masters degree options, which you need to discuss. That means that you have to expand upon each university within one essay. So if you say you want to attend University A, mention the course you want to enroll in, then the reasons why you believe that this works well within your chosen career path. Then discuss the last two universities in the same manner.

3. Your career plan should cover at least the first 3 years of your career after graduation. Develop a career development plan that indicates the progression of your career in terms of work hierarchy and how you plan to achieve it. Then indicate how these masters degree studies will help you achieve those plans. Don't forget to include information about how your career might be able to help promote the scholarship as well.

Writing Feedback / Nursing is the one of the most rewarding profession in the world. Nursing school personal statement. [2]

Allona, your essay is not responding to the prompt requirements at all. What you wrote is a justification essay and not a personal statement that is aligned with the prompt requirements. Information such as your grandmother becoming ill, your failing nursing school, taking the NCLEX are all unrelated information. None of these are required by the prompt. Let me try to give you some hints as to how to better respond to the prompts.

Prompt 1: Describe what high school or undergraduate experiences sparked your interest...
The response to this prompt would be any sort of volunteer activity related to nursing such as your volunteering your free time to help out at a nursing home, or working part time in a clinical facility as an assistant of sorts. The exposure you had on the job as you watched your grandmother will also qualify, provided you can justify that this happened while you were in high school and indicate some sort of help that you gave her while you were observing her.

Prompt 2: Describe a unique event in your life that has left a lasting impression and why ...
You should develop the following paragraph because it can help you respond to the prompt:
In the middle of second semester my grandmother got sick. I was very nervous about it. We were very close. I did not see her in many years because I was attending school full time and working part time. My grandmother and I kept in touch, I was telling her about my clinical experience and my grandmother explained some things to me. She always supported me and I wanted to help her.

The rest of the information about your failure in nursing school, being unable to graduate, etc. are not required information and should not be read in the essay. Just respond as best as you can to the provided prompt. That tells you what the reviewer wants to read about and should see in the essay. Don't add unnecessary information.

Undergraduate / Why History is Worth Studying [8]

I would open your statement with a pop culture reference that can possibly break the ice and set the tone for your response. By referencing pop culture or some topics that are identifiable, the reader's interest in what you have to say reaches a peak. My introduction would go something like:

Pearl Harbor, Band of Brothers, Saving Private Ryan, and The Philadelphia Experiment. What do these movies all have in common? They all deal with important events related to the development of mankind. These movies document the history of our world for future generations to learn from. History... Now, that is a topic I believe is worth studying because, just like the historical events depicted in these movies, I believe that in order to understand our present and know where we are headed in the future, we must first understand the past and the only way to learn about the past, is by learning about our collective history.

From that point on, you can continue to use the part of your essay that starts with:
Whether it be European History or U.S. History, every little detail is action-packed. JUST LIKE A MOVIE. The best part of it all is finding that one historical time period you imagine yourself living in...

Note the part that I inserted in order to create a connection between the first paragraph and the current one.

Scholarship / "Happiness is only true when shared with others" Chevening Networking Question [19]

This is still a work in progress. It is getting better but still needs to be edited at certain points. Please apply the following changes:

..., I participated in On the Engineering week of University ...
On While on my second year at university...
effective networking has arguably played an integral role ...
and a micro-grant fundraiser in during the ...
Aside from the aforementioned, on By my fifth year at university...
Directly after my graduation I was working worked as both...
... efficiently in running association with the industry; some of my students had the ...

After you apply the changes, I'll help you review the essay again to try and make it shorter yet still informative. It's running a bit long at the moment. If you'd like, try to summarize or combine some paragraphs, or choose which of these networking experiences are the real notable ones that should stay in the essay. That way the essay tightens and allows the reviewer to read only the information that offers the best information about your networking skills.

Undergraduate / Why History is Worth Studying [8]

Guess what Jung, the later part of your essay, the portion where you start talking about your wish list of historical adventures, is more in line with the fear and expectations of the prompt you were provided. The first part is a bit boring and does not really interest the reader into getting to know the rest of what you have to say. Maybe you can revise the first part to make it sound as exciting as the second part? If you can do that then you can retain the first part of the essay. If not, then I suggest that you use the second part instead. You can start the essay with:

Whether it be European History or U.S. History, every little detail is action-packed.

That immediately tells the reviewer that the topic of interest to you is History and prepares him for an interesting narrative to come. The succeeding portion of your essay from that point is interesting and imaginative. I can't imagine anyone not being drawn in by the imagined scenarios you shared. It is a perfect response to the prompt.

Graduate / Filmmaking passion. My Personal Statement for Goldsmiths Master Program [3]

Karim, your responses are not as in-depth as it can be at this point. The information you have presented sound more like place holders than anything else. You need to develop the thoughts more behind each topic presented. For example, in the first paragraph, there is no real rationale for your desire to pursue a career in film making. Why did you feel that you had a responsibility to tell stories? It is this sense of responsibility that represents your rationale and should be well represented in the paragraph.

In the second paragraph, you need to mention if you have formal academic training in film making and where, if you attended seminars and the names and dates of these seminars, and, if you say you have worked 8 years as a professional, name some films you have worked on and in what capacity.

Don't tell the reviewer you just bought your first handy camera. You can't claim to have 8 years experience and then just recently have purchased the most important film making device. If you have not taken and formal courses or joined any seminars, justify why you believe that your actual experience in film making makes you a better masters candidate. Remember, the others applying have formal training so unless you can come off sounding like the Steve Jobs of film making, not having any formal training may work against your application.

When you mention your work experience and awards, be specific. Mention the films, advertisements and anything else that they can fact check against your application. Being able to examine your work personally may just work in your favor in this case. Your reason for wishing to attend the program is very weak. You need to better analyze the reasons behind your desire to attend this program and come up with a stronger, more competitive reason for them to consider you as an applicant.

When you mention you have developed a script, try to discuss the motivation behind the script, the story line, and what you hope to achieve by bringing this script to film. Why should they consider this information to be an important part of your application?

Scholarship / Challenges from letter of intent and Personal statement [3]

Mohammed, a letter of intent is similar to that of a motivation letter. It is better known in the academic circles as a statement of purpose. So the letter should contain the reasons why you chose your course and what you hope to achieve once you have completed it. If you have already chosen your major, then you should be able to write this letter already. What was the reason that you chose this major? That reason is what should be contained in the letter of intent.

As for the personal statement, you can write it in one of two essay forms, depending upon the university you are applying to. Either write it as an open topic essay ( for universities that do not have specific instructions for writing it) or, refer to the personal statement prompt provided by the university. When a prompt is provided, you are given instructions as to what information it should contain and word count maximum (if applicable).

I suggest that you wait for either the application packet hard copy from the university you are applying to, or refer to their online application forms for references as to how to proceed with writing these two essays. The university you are applying to can best instruct you as to the content of the essays.

Scholarship / "Happiness is only true when shared with others" Chevening Networking Question [19]

Ali, I think you should put the quote about Chevening at the start of the essay. Making it an opening statement that directly connects with the rest of the essay. An example of how you can do this would be as follows:

"Being a scholar for a year and a Chevener for life ... the learning never stops." That is a direct quote from a previous Chevening scholar and it is a belief that I unwittingly have embodied throughout my time in college. From my first year in college, I unconsciously began building my network of contacts that to this very day, have proven quite helpful to me and my colleagues.

Then the next paragraph, which should be using past tense because these are events that already happened, can go something like this:
During my first year at the University of Kartoum as an Engineering student, I worked as one of the main organizers...I was also elected ( note the tense usage)...

My second year at the university introduced me to...

You need to do extra work on the following part:
I contacted the organization asking them to present themselves at the university during the week to get renowned through a fair.
- The networking that you did in order to get the organization become part of the fair should be made clear. The overview is so brief that it does not seem like you had to do any networking at all.

There is A CERTAIN ambiguity to REGARDING findING any information...

In all honesty, if you can just clean up these parts of the essay, the next step will be to clean up the grammar problems. Your concluding paragraph should just be about how you plan to represent the scholarship in the future. From what I can read, that is exactly how this essay will end.

Undergraduate / "What does not destroy me makes me stronger" - Princeton Supplement prompt 5 [13]

Shivani, I like the quote that you chose. The overall narrative of the essay directly relates to the quote. However, the story runs a bit too long because you tried to deliver too much information in the narrative. You need to learn to choose which information is necessary to present and which is not necessary to present. Take for example the paragraph where you discuss your father's financial problem. This runs too long because you felt it necessary to mention where he worked and how much he earned. When you simply could have just said that he had a salary cut, without ever mentioning where he worked since that is irrelevant to the main point of the essay.

You can also edit the content of the second and third paragraphs in order to create a more relevant and easier to read new paragraph. I would combine it this way:

Getting scholarship though reduced major financial burden of my family members, it was still difficult to pay off my daily expenditure. In order to save 10 cents,... vehicle that cost 10 cents. The pressure of maintaining scholarship itself ...I had to retain my scholarship and on the other, I wanted to contribute something to the society in future.

I removed the middle part about your classmates because the fact that you could not do what they were doing is a redundancy. It is already a given because you are a scholar. So focus instead on the sacrifices that directly affected you due to lack of finances. The things you could not do with your classmates are whims, not needs. So it has no place in the essay.

The rest of the essay is fine though. It works well to deliver your message. The language just needs to be cleaned up because the grammar is quite bad in some places. You can worry about the grammar correction after you have completed the necessary changes to the essay first.

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

Okay. Let's pick up the paragraph from the following:
...getting married at the early age. When she got better, my father decided that it was time to move our family to Kathmandu. From time to time, I would go back to Kaudena for a visit.

You can follow it up with a new paragraph that can starts this way:
When I was 13, I visited Kaudena with my family. Little did I know that this visit would be the most life altering period of my life. This was the time when I almost suffered the same fate as my mother. I almost became a child bride myself because my grandfather insisted that I must be married off before my dowry became too expensive. Lucky for me, my father had a different mindset and disagreed with my grandfather...

I think that you can use the Madhesi community paragraph as your 5th paragraph. You need to make a few changes to it in order to make it better though. I suggest the following:

... is my Madhesi community IN KAUDENA and BECAUSE OF its unexpected SOCIAL challenges that always acts SERVES as a catalyst ...In my community, the mind never impede the girls from getting what they want but the mindset IS WHAT IMPEDES A WOMAN'S IMPROVEMENT IN LIFE. does,thus, THUS my ambition is to make INFLUENCE a change in their mindset.