Writing Feedback / Handedness or the dominant hand has been researched by a psychologist, Mathew. [4]

Nda, when you are referring to the person speaking in the audio or video, make sure the reference the title of the person if it is provided. In this case, the speaker was Dr. Mathew. A psychologist is, by profession, a doctor and therefore, holds the title at the start of his name in respect to his profession.

When you begin describing the types of people who play music or sports, that would have been the best time to mention some musicians and sports players as examples, rather than mentioning the terms twice in the summary as you did. By the way, you have a redundancy as sports and games describe the same activity. For example, tennis is both a sport and a game. Therefore you can just say "sport" when indicating one game or "sports" in plural form.

Finally, the country is known as Germany and the people from Germany are German. The language of the country is also known as German. The experiment was conducted in Germany, not German as the research could not have been conducted on the language. Germans could have been the experiment participants but then you would not have been correct either since you said the experiment was conducted by Dr. Mathew in German.

Overall though, your summary has successfully reported on the most pertinent points of the audio / file. You should score well in the test because you did not leave the reader with more questions than answers while reading the totality of your summary.

Writing Feedback / Summarize article : Porpoises plan their dives and can set their heart rate to match [3]

Andika, the article actually came in 3 sections. The main discussion and the 2 sub topics related to the discovery that was discussed as the major discovery of the scientists. Why did you not represent the sub topics in the summary? In writing a summary, you must ensure that you present all of the topics being discussed, including the sub topics because they relate to the main discussion. Additional, supporting facts can be found in the sub topics and therefore, the only way you can present a completely informative summary is by reading the whole article and taking note of keywords, fact, and figures for inclusion in your summary. Without these additional data, the summary becomes informative but incomplete. What you are after, is a totally informative and complete essay. So you have to learn to read fast and note information in a chronological manner for presentation in the summary essay.

Writing Feedback / summary article Arctic ice melt is killing birds [3]

Dioba, the article that you summarized is too short. It is obvious that you wrote this summary in a rush because there is not enough information in it to deliver an authoritative feel. Also, the information is more like hearsay because you did not manage to inform the reader about who wrote the article, where it was published, and what the purpose of the article is. In fact, your summary is open ended in the sense that the final sentence does not sound like a conclusion. It is almost as if you were supposed to add some information to it but failed to do so. Did you run out of time or something? In terms of task achievement, I feel that you could have performed better and offered more information from the article. This is not as good a work as the first one you submitted for review. I suggest that you try to write another summary based on this article. Try to improve on your presentation and make sure that it is a informative as it can be for the reader. Remember, a summary must deliver the most important points of an article confusing the reader. In this case, there is notable confusion even in the way that you wrote the summary.

Writing Feedback / Summary TED (v) Jill Heinert Underwater explorer [2]

Dioba, if you will just omit the first sentence in your summary, you will find that the summary essay makes much more sense. It accomplishes the task of delivering only the necessary information in a better manner than if the first sentence was still included. I am happy to tell you that your essay is really informative and I understood exactly what you are trying to say, even though the grammar accuracy range is only mid range. The rough language and sometimes misplaced words were not exactly troublesome as I was still able to narrow down exactly what you were trying to say. One thing though, it seems you forgot to note the name of the species that she discovered while exploring. I am sure that information was relayed in the video. You just weren't quick enough to note it this time around. That is the only part of the essay where you may have failed in task accuracy. Not to worry though, your overall work on the essay proves that you at least, have enough English comprehension and writing skills to get your thoughts and explanations across in an understandable manner to the reader.

Letters / Study plan for my Canada study permit - to Global Business Management PGC. [5]

You have to bring up the explanation about your first rejection because your file will be pulled out for additional reference once you submit your documentation for consideration. The visa officer will definitely know about it then. Therefore, you have to consider that the questions regarding your first rejection will come up and you will have to deal with it in the interview (if you get that far). It will be in your best interest to be preemptive at this point so that your preliminary screening will have all of the relevant information and pertinent points for consideration covered. Now, if you feel that you would rather not bring it up and take your chances, then the choice is yours.

It definitely runs too long because you formatted this as an academic application essay instead of a visa application. Basically, you don't need to be so detailed about your desire to study at Mowhawk since that doesn't concern the visa officer. What you have to do, is make sure that your desire to return to your country is just as evident as your desire to study in Canada. Leave the school out of it. If you have a current business existing in China, give the name, location, and form of proprietorship (sole would be best in this case) as part of the evidence that you MUST go back because of the legal existence of your business. Include your documentation for your business in your new application to support your claims.

Letters / Study plan for my Canada study permit - to Global Business Management PGC. [5]

Cxl, the most important question you should be answering in your appeal letter is this: "Why do you want to study in Canada when you can manage to study either in a China based university or through online classes?" What is the appeal of studying in Canada as far as you are concerned? More importantly, what are the experiences that you hope to bring back to your country immediately after graduation? You are not convincing enough in that aspect.

You speak of your previous work experience and business knowledge towards the end of the letter. What you should be presenting, is the information as to how you plan to go back to China and why it is important that you share this knowledge with the Chinese business community. You should also explain, in a summarized manner, why you first applied to study interior decorating. Since you are presenting an appeal, you should not forget to mention the reason why you were first rejected, why you originally thought of applying to that course and why you decided to change your application slant this time around.

Writing Feedback / 30 Days Method to Try New Something [3]

Yurike, did you really finish reading the article that you decided to summarize? I don't believe that you did. This statement actually doesn't make sense. There are simply too many missing facts in your report for this summary to be informative or reflective of the original article. You do not have a proper topic sentence at the start of the essay which would have successfully introduced the central discussion topic. I am not even sure what the 30 day challenge is about in your summary mostly because you have long winded sentences that do not have any objective. It is almost as if you did not understand what you read so you just tried to come up with something for the summary, whether is was applicable or not. Whether it actually informed the reader or not. This is one of your worst summaries to date that I have read. I hope you will fully read the article again and try to write a more applicable summary report for it. This summary would not get a passing grade in any aspect of scoring consideration.

Writing Feedback / Bleached corals in the Pacific have started bouncing bac [3]

Yurike, your grammar accuracy could use some work. Your thought process proves that you are thinking in your native language and then simply translating it to English. Which is why the correct information is found in your topic sentences and paragraphs, but are misplaced in the formation of the sentence. This affects the final presentation of your work and sometimes confuses the reader because we have to reorganize your sentence in our minds as we read it in order to make sense of your statement. You need to practice developing your English sentence structures using the online sentence structure tests. These practice tests will serve you well in learning to properly write your English sentences and help you to better form your paragraphs as well.

Scholarship / Personal statement; I am applying to Pharmaceutical Analysis and QC one-year masters course [2]

Hanady, in response to your question, you need to write 3 statements for the 3 universities that you will be applying to. Keep in mind that you will need to read their personal statement prompts, which will have differing and varying degrees of requirements for your application. So your essay needs to properly reflect the required information. Since you are applying to Chevening, you should choose 3 universities and 3 different courses related to Pharmacy for your masters course. If there is only one course offered for a Pharmacy masters, then just make sure to present unique personal statements for each university.

Also, it would be best to apply for Chevening when you already know which 3 universities have decided to offer you admission. Do not apply to just 3 universities, apply to at least 6 that way you have a better chance of discussing the 3 required courses and universities in the specific essays for the application. It is better to have more universities to choose from for your top 3 rather than running short and having only 1 or 2 universities to consider for your masters education. You will fall short of the Chevening requirement in that instance.

Undergraduate / I ruffled my hair in frustration - Common app essay on background, identity, interest, or talent [3]

Cindy, here is a rule of thumb with reviewers reading college application essays. They do not believe, appreciate, nor consider any stories that you tell as part of your application if it occurred before the age of 15. Therefore, telling this story, which happened when you were in the first grade, a 10 year old child story will not work for your essay. Most specially since there is no real background, identity, or interest reflected in your writing. Learning how to read is not an interesting story. It is not the kind of compelling backstory that will have the reviewer saying "Hey, this applicant is unique. I should remember to read the rest of her application". You need a story that truly explains something unique about your background, interest, or talent. This is not that story. I strongly suggest that you reflect on your life and try to find that "Eureka!" story that you can use in developing your response.

Undergraduate / Why you are interested in applying to and attending Swarthmore? To be challenged academically. [4]

I would rather that you do not add them. You see, unless you have actually experienced the events or sentiments that you have placed in the essay, you will only be making assumptions based on other people's experiences and the reviewer will realize that throughout his reading of your essay. When you are asked why you are interested in attending the university, the information should be based on your personal knowledge and preferences based upon the easily accessible university information. Or, in the case of stateside students who can do a campus visit, personal experience from time spent on the campus and with the students. Keep in mind that the experience of others may not be the same as your experience.

From the way that you worded those portions of your essay, you are delivering the idea that you have been to the university and experienced these things that you speak of. Since you did not go to the university, don't use that information. It sounds forced and unnatural in the essay. The most comfortable and honest sounding answer that you provided are the ones in paragraphs 2 and 3. I believe that those are your own words based upon your own research right? That is where the honest voice comes from and that is what the reviewer will appreciate reading.

Writing Feedback / The government is wasting money on arts? Arts is required to express our thoughts and feelings. [4]

Hi Syeda, I have to say, you did really well in the task accuracy department of your essay presentation. You showed a clear understanding of the prompt and you were able to properly paraphrase the original prompt. You showed an ability to use your English language skills, which are moderate at the moment, to properly develop, present, and discuss the key topics for discussion within the prompt requirements. You should be proud of the work that you did on this essay.

I would like to see you further improve in terms of your coherence, cohesiveness, lexical skills, and grammar accuracy. These are the aspects of your essay writing that require more practice and focus on your part. Although we can still understand what it is that you are trying to convey in every paragraph, there were slight instances when you seem to have gotten lost in translation so your essay work had a tendency to lose its focus in terms of discussion. Take for example, when you say "own culture", the arts is used to convey the "culture of a people" and not just a single person. So your grammar accuracy is affected by your wrong choice of words.

This is a problem that comes up when you try to use complex sentences without really knowing how to form it. You should try to read other English writers, like newspaper columnists and the like, in order to get a better example of how to write effective complex sentences. On our own, keep it light to moderate. That way you won't be docked for points in an actual test.

Undergraduate / Why you are interested in applying to and attending Swarthmore? To be challenged academically. [4]

Yoosol, some parts of your essay make assumptions about the learning experience that Swarthmore offers it students. I am not sure where you got the information that studying at the university is more than just about the grade, or the information that you provided in your opening statement regarding the qualities that Swarthmore embodies. Did you just get that information from their website or from alumna of the university? It is best to not make such sweeping assumptions about the learning experience and student life at the university. Instead, just focus your essay on the aspects of the university that you can prove to be supporting facts regarding your interest in applying to and attending Swarthmore.

From the way I review your essay, the most direct and efficient method of responding to the prompt would be to just present the second and third paragraphs as your statement response. You don't need the opening and closing statements in this case. Your response becomes most effective when you just deliver your straightforward response to the prompt. The reviewer will appreciate it because you will be saving him the bother of having to sort through your essay's non-essential information for your actual response to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Cement production with combining all of the materials and how it is used for the building purposes [4]

Nina, you need to make sure that you note the correct terms to use in the summaries. When you use the wrong term, your whole essay becomes wrong. The biggest mistake that I can see in your essay is that you keep referring to concrete as concentrate. Those are two different things. Cement is a binder substance used in construction. While concrete is a heavy and rough building material made from materials taken from cement. A concentrate on the other hand, is a substance made by removing water. I am fairly certain that you are not referring to a concentrate in this essay as the diagram doesn't indicate that. Now, you were able to somewhat properly summarize the procedure indicated in the diagram. The reason I say somewhat is because you failed to use the proper terms to describe the materials used or produced in the essay. As such, your task accuracy is greatly affected and could result in some severely low scores had you done this in an actual test.

Writing Feedback / TASK PART 1 - THE PROCESS OF PRECIPITATION [4]

Nina, your summary paragraph is a bit confusing. The first sentence lacks a cohesive presentation in order to create kind of understanding that the reader hopes to gain by reading your opening summary. The rest of the paragraphs though, have actually delivered the required information in a diagram summary. I will admit that your essay has a big problem in the grammar accuracy and lexical resource portion. However, the problem is not as severe as others in the sense that, with some concentration and repeated reading, the reader will eventually understand what you are trying to say. It is nice to see that you have the ability to turn in cohesive paragraphs which have a logical discussion thread. You will definitely get good points for that.

Writing Feedback / The information regarding the steps and tools utilized in the cement production process [2]

Muhamad, your first sentence is too long. You could have created at least 2 sentences from the content of that single sentence. The second sentence could have presented the information about cement usage in making concrete. That said, your summary paragraph is quite informative and meets all of the prompt requirements for the task accuracy section. Your final paragraph also suffers from the same problem. You should have broken the sentences up into multiple topic sentences since it was possible to do so. I see that it can create at least 3 new sentences, which would have in turn, allowed the paragraph to become more informative and look more authoritative. Overall though, you did not do a shabby job when it came to the content of the summary. The sentences used tended to have some grammar accuracy problems but it never detracted from the meaning of the summary so it can be ignored. However, points would still have been deducted for it in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / The water cycle has three natural steps which start by evaporation water through the rain process. [3]

Muhamad, please remember that the overview summary of the diagram needs to have a minimum of 3 sentences in order to be considered within the required format of the essay. You should have divided the long sentence about the the cycle steps into two. The third sentence could have been represented by the start of the evaporation process summary.

The second paragraph is a bit confusing as it seems to be lacking a topic or subject in the first sentence. There is no point to what was said hence, the sentence did not have any information to add to your summary. The part where you spoke of transpiration was a direct quote from the diagram. Always try to rephrase the information from the original source in order to improve your lexical score. by simply using the original description, you will tend to lose points.

Overall, the essay is a bit confusing to read. There is a tendency for miscommunication as you have incomplete thoughts in some sentences or mistakenly used terms throughout the essay. I believe that you will get better over time. Just take note of the problems that you have in this essay so that you can be conscious to not make the same mistake again.

Scholarship / What made Michael Michael. Being highly devoted to education to positively influence the world. [4]

Michael, I need you to do something for me. I know that this is a scholarship application essay. Usually, a scholarship application essay comes with instructions known as prompts. These prompts are questions or directions meant for the student to write about in the essay. I need you to provide that prompt to me so that I can better analyze your essay for prompt responsiveness, content, and information relevance. I can't accomplish that important assessment without it. Please get it to me as soon as you can ok?

What I can assess as of this moment are the general aspects of your essay. First of all, I must call your attention to the formatting concerns of your work. Please place a space in between the topic paragraphs so that it will be easier for the reader to keep track of what you have written. At this point, the screen looks so tight with all of the words on the page, sans spaces. You need to space out the paragraphs in order to make it easier to read. It also makes it easier to keep track of the thoughts you have placed on your paper.

I also need to tell you that you cannot use this topic for your essay. I do not even know what the prompt is yet but I am very sure that you cannot discuss something that happened when you were 10 years old. Reviewers tend to not believe any stories that occur at an age before your teenage years. This is common knowledge among scholarship and college applicants. That is because the reviewers do not view this age as one that can properly assess his surroundings yet or make sense of what is happening around him. The normally acceptable narratives are those that occur at the age of 15 and above.

At this point, I will wait for the prompt to come from you so that I can add to the advice that I can provide you. At this point, these are general observations that you need to pay attention to and address for the general improvement of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Chris Anderson gives many formulas for all people to become a good speaker. [7]

Alfin, are you sure you have presented all of the information that is pertinent to the summary in your writing? Your essay is so short that as I read it, I can tell that you are lacking key explanations in your presentation. For example, you lack a proper introduction for Chris Anderson. Who is he? Why is he an authority when it comes to public speaking? Next, when you present the information about how to become a good speaker, you should have summarized the importance of each speaking trait so that the reader will know what function each action has in relation to becoming an effective public speaker. When you said that there is no formula to great public speaking, you contradicted your summary information because you already said that there are specific traits that create a good public speaker. A summary cannot present conflicting information. In all honesty, a 4 sentence summary can never be deemed as properly developed and an accurate reflection of the video information that you have been tasked to summarize.

Undergraduate / Growing up with a single, military mother- PENN STATE ESSAY REVIEW [4]

Yes, you should definitely explain the situation about your mother's PTSD and your brother's Epilepsy because those situations further show how you react to situations that are beyond your control. The fact that you manage to deal accurately with the PTSD triggers and can help your brother recover from his bouts show that you have the ability to succeed at Penn state, even under the most unfortunate, time essential, and unexpected circumstances. So don't hold back on that information. Detail it in a way that highlights your ability to adapt and react to situations that not every teenager your age would have to deal with or can manage to deal with successfully. If you can, try to mention something about how you expect those skills that you learned to help you in a hypothetical situation at Penn State. Something related to classes, exams, research, or projects where the situation could easily spin out of your control.

When you are applying to college, too much information, that is relevant to the prompt is better than trying to present irrelevant information as relevant. Hahaha! You can always choose which information you would be willing to share or up to how much information about your personal life you can share. It's really all up to you.

Writing Feedback / Samsung recall again? It involves galaxy note 7 smartphone & 34 models of top-load washing machines [3]

Alfin, for starters, you do know the rules for writing proper nouns right? The first letter has to be capitalized. You will notice that in your article summary, you failed to capitalize the name of the company (Samsung) and the cellphone model (Galaxy Note 7). Please note that you will be graded on Grammatical accuracy every step of the way so the rules of writing will apply and will be scored in the tests. You are definitely going to lose points for this error on your part in this essay. You were careless in your writing and you did not bother to proof read your work before submission. This is evident because you wrote "America Also" instead of the more correct "America also" form. Your information feels incomplete. Mostly because the summary is too short and obviously lacks references to some information such as the amount of decline in the Samsung income and the problems that relate to the Samsung washing machine problems. The information regarding those events were in the article but you failed to note it in your summary.

Writing Feedback / Shawn Anchor believes that our brain views can shapes our reality. [6]

Dioba, do us a favor and include the link to the video that you watched ok? It is a bit difficult for us to assess your work when we cannot analyze the video personally for comparison with your summary. Basically, your summary left me with some unanswered questions. I wonder if the video provided the answer but you did not finish watching the video so you did not realize that the questions had answers in the later part of the presentation? Some questions that the reader is left with include:

1. Did Shawn Anchor find the key to happiness through his research? What was his hypothesis regarding this idea?
2. How does our brain change or shape our view of reality?
3. What did you mean by "The most that gives impact..."? What is the most?
4. How does changing our mind automatically affect reality?

When you write a summary, you are not supposed to leave the reader with more questions rather than answers to the article, video, or audio recording that you listened to. Make sure to preempt any questions that the summary may pose and include responses to them. As you can see, while you were listening to and watching the video, you could have noted more keywords or information that could have led to a more informative summary.

Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS task 2 - cause effect of consuming fast food [3]

Sitti, in terms of task achievement, you could probably score a 5 with this essay since you are able to technically respond to the prompt and your paraphrasing is good enough to let the reader know what the task of the essay is. In terms of cohesion and cohesiveness, you would get another 5 because you have managed to organize your paragraph discussions in a logical manner going from discussing the topic provided to the consequences of the actions. Definitely a sign of logical progression. However, the discussion of the topics within the paragraph are a bit hard to follow because your lexical resource and grammar accuracy are not exactly on point. The score for that would probably along the range of 4. The reason for this would be some severe grammatical errors such as "helath" instead of the correct term which is "health" and "inceasing consuer" when what you really meant was "increasing consumer". There is also a lack of sentence clarity when you said that the activity of consuming fast food will result in family interaction when what you really were referring to was a "lack of family interaction". Those small but pivotal mistakes will always cost you big time in terms of scoring during the actual test.

Undergraduate / Cuba Experience - PENN STATE ESSAY REVIEW [3]

Okay, the first thing I would like to ask you is, what were you planning to say when the following paragraph abruptly ended "Both recipients chose to go through their challenges selflessly, as" ? As what? I think you are either still working on that paragraph or, you accidentally deleted the rest of the paragraph when you did your cut and paste into this box. Any chance you can still complete the thought? Just so I can get a feeling of how it works with the rest of the essay.

About this mission. It doesn't seem like you had a personal connection with the mission and objective at first. Other than the fact that you somehow ended up joining the team that went to Cuba, I am unclear as to what kind of personal commitment or interest you have in the program. Why is this program important to you outside of the competition the school had? How did you end up going to Cuba? I believe that you should do some research at this point and find some sort of campus organization that you can relate your experience to. Aside from what you learned during the trip, it is important to show that you will continue to build upon that experience while a student at Penn. That could better clarify how the experience and commitment to this cause will help you better adjust and fit in at Penn State.

Undergraduate / Growing up with a single, military mother- PENN STATE ESSAY REVIEW [4]

Hey Janaye, first up, we have got to get you working out the paragraph formatting of this essay. It is way too compressed and won't be easy to read for the reviewer. I know I found myself losing my place a few times because the topic discussions were strewn all together. Just dividing the paragraphs into topics and using the enter key to create a space in between paragraphs will definitely solve that problem.

As for the content, you need to explain who you came home to after daycare. You said your mom was deployed, so who raised you when she was on assignment? Most specially, why did you end up having to become the adult at the age of 16? These underlying factors can help explain your matured outlook and sense of responsibility. More importantly, when you speak of your mother's PTSD, describe how it affected you and why you felt you had to become the adult in the family. Is your mother incapable of caring for you and your sibling? Is that why you had to mature faster than the others?

The essay actually delivers strongly on proving how you are prepared not only for the rigors of Penn State, but also the rigors of a college life in general. Which is something that most college applicants these days lack. You don't need to refer to your interest in studying PTSD, that is not a required prompt element so you should not discuss that at all. Just focus on proving your life and survival skills and the essay will be great. Replace the PTSD discussion with the information about how you grew up. When you aged out of daycare, who took care of you? Did that person teach you how to become responsible for yourself? Who taught you that you had to be responsible for your special needs sibling? What kind of abilities did you have to develop in order to care for him. her? Those are the types of information that will help to deliver the idea that you are going to more than just survive at Penn State. You will achieve.

Undergraduate / Being biracial is like fighting a war within yourself - COMMON APP ESSAY REVIEW [12]

Hey Janaye, would you mind if I have you edit your essay in portions in order to create a totally new, but more cohesive essay that you can consider for use? I feel that all we have to do to make this essay work for you is re-position some sentences and paragraphs and delete some paragraphs. I'll tell you which portions to work on and you can tell me if you think the new version will work for you alright?

For the opening statement, open with the sentence that says "My identity is not an "or" question..." all the way up to "It is all of the above". Then add , from your original opening paragraph, "My somewhat ambiguous ethnic appearance..." to the point of "To leave out these challenges..." Those sentences will comprise your new introduction.

The second paragraph will still be the one about the Hispanic roots. The only difference, will be that the third paragraph will immediately explain that your father is "Afro-Latino" by talking about his and your black roots and problems. That way we clarify the ethnicity confusion immediately. So the third paragraph should open with "To add insult to injury..." but skipping the reference to the BLM and murder. That is what confused me about whether your dad was alive or not and I am sure it will confuse the reviewer as well.

Now, talk about your mother and her being Caucasian. That whole paragraph can be kept in tact. The closing, should be represented by "Over time and a lot of self-searching..." adding "I began to love and accept every part of myself..." ending with "I would not have come to this place of self-acceptance." I believe that in this format, the essay will close on a positive and hopeful note for you.

I believe that the word count should go down with the new format and also make for a more open and easily understood essay on your part. Would you care to give it a try?

Undergraduate / Being biracial is like fighting a war within yourself - COMMON APP ESSAY REVIEW [12]

Hi Janaye, I think you should reinsert the paragraph that you removed in reference to your Hispanic roots. Actually, the essay is a bit confusing to me at the moment. It appears you are more than bi-racial, you are "tri-racial" (Kidding! Is there such a term?). You should do your best to reflect all of the blood lines that run through your veins. So a paragraph for the White blood, then the Black, then the Hispanic. You are a really interesting person because of the heritage that you have. I am sure that with some editing and revision, we can get all of the information that you want to put across into the essay. Is there any chance that you still have the original, longer version of the essay? I would love to read it. Maybe we can just edit that version for content in order to meet the word limit. BTW, sorry about the mix-up with your dad. You mentioned something about murder and then your father immediately after it so I assumed the worst. My apologies. I hope we can work him into the essay in the best possible manner.

Undergraduate / Being biracial is like fighting a war within yourself - COMMON APP ESSAY REVIEW [12]

Janaye, I can really feel your strong emotions regarding your being bi-racial. The essay shows off a part of your background that you may not have had a chance to present in the other common app prompts. However, I don't think that the story about your mother having to explain how she has bi-racial children is important to the discussion. This essay should represent your background and how you handle the situation. Your mother's story, doesn't really move your personal journey along. The focus of the essay should be on you and why you ended up feeling this way.

I am not sure but, was your father murdered? If he was, then his story is connected with yours. The mention of his death at a pivotal time in your life when you had questions about who you truly are should be highlighted in the essay. It should not be a mere mention in the way that it is now. It should take the place of the story of your mother because the story of your father's death, is more important and relevant to your story. If I am not mistaken, his death is what caused your confusion and lack of acceptance in the Black community. So you should build upon that foundation of your background.

Now, about the BLM thing, in today's political climate, I was wondering if you could somewhat we apolitical in your essay? The BLM is not exactly seen as an instrument of peace and unity at the moment so maybe you could hold back on mentioning the organization at the moment? Only because I would like your essay to focus solely on you and not be affected by the opinion of the reviewer of the BLM (if he or she has one). I am not saying that you can't discuss BLM, I am just asking you to consider not mentioning the group at this moment in your application because of the discord that the mention of the group name sometimes provides. I won't have any opinion if you decide to keep it in your essay. I am merely making a suggestion for the betterment of your essay and your chances of application.

Writing Feedback / The drought is the crucial problem for some areas in the globe like in Papua [5]

Pramudiana, in reference to your task achievement, the highest score you can garner is only a 4. That is because you failed to cover all of the valid points in the restated prompt so your explanation of the point of your essay was not really clearly presented to the reader. Parts of the essay are really unclear and not able to present any clear ideas.

For cohesiveness and coherence, your score would most likely also be a 4. The flow of thought in your essay is confusing, the discussion does not follow a clear pattern and there is a lack of transition sentences at the end of paragraphs which could prepare the reader for the next portion of the discussion.

In terms of lexical resource, you did your best to use complex vocabulary but failed to effectively use it in the essay. This is because your word choice was not always appropriate for the discussion you presented. The errors in your vocabulary more often than not left the reader irritated because he was left trying to figure out what you are trying to say. So again, this would be another 4 in the scoring range.

The grammatical range and accuracy could not score higher than a 3 because the sentence structures and errors in grammar and punctuation leave the reader wondering as to the meaning of your sentences and paragraphs. So more often than not, the paragraphs end up not making any sense or make it difficult for the reader to understand what you are trying to say.

Don't give up. As you become more familiar with the English language and you progress with your usage in the practice tests, you will find that you will have progressed and have improved your skills. Over time, you will gain a proficiency in the language that will help you to pass your test. We will make sure to help you do that.

Writing Feedback / Summary Article - Airbnb launched new service [5]

Alfin, your grammar in this essay is horrendous. Due to the grammatical problems, your summary really causes extreme discomfort for the reader. It is hard to assess what it is that you are actually supposed to be saying in this summary because you did not provide a copy of the article that you read either in an uploaded file or a supplied link. The first problem with your summary is that your first sentence is extremely long which makes it difficult to read. You could have split that into 2 sentences. The first sentence could have introduced the company and the second, could explain the app and its functions. While the latter part of the essay is understandable, the lack of proper grammar really forces the reader to reorganize your sentence in his brain, quietly, in order to make sense of what you are trying to say. While it would seem that all of the important information is in the summary, the disorganized presentation makes one consider if all of the important information is really presented. I guess we cannot tell unless you provide us with a way to access the original article.

Undergraduate / Tell us something you do for your own pleasure. (sketching and reading) [5]

Faya, based upon the prompt instructions, it seems that you can only write about one, not two topics. The prompt asks for you to tell them "something" which is in singular form. It does not tell you to tell them "some things" which is a plural word form that would have allowed you to discuss two or more topics in response to the prompt.Therefore, I believe that you should only present one topic. You will have to present the strongest topic that you have in response to the proposed discussion. Try to never deviate or stray from the prompt requirement. Since the prompt was developed in singular form, you have to present only one activity not two. If you are sure that you want to present two topics, you should get in touch with the university itself and request for a clarification of the instruction. If the university advisers tell you otherwise, then go ahead and present two activities. As of now, you should just stick to one activity. That is what the prompt clearly states. If you can get an exemption, then go ahead and present both. I doubt the university will allow you to present two activities though. The prompt was designed to highlight only one activity.

Undergraduate / Tell us something you do for your own pleasure. (sketching and reading) [5]

Faya, if I were the student submitting a response to this prompt, I would opt to present the reviewer with the second option. While the book reading activity shows you in a relaxed atmosphere, it doesn't say so much about who you are during your down time. Always remember that the reviewer is looking for more information about you as a private person and as a student in every prompt requirement that you respond to.

While book reading transports you to another dimension, it doesn't really tell the reviewer much about your character. Besides, after 8 hours of studying, when you get to college, picking up a book, even if it is fictional may not be the kind of rest that your brain needs in order to prepare for the next day of rigorous learning. That is why I believe that the drawing response will better serve the purpose of this statement.

The drawing activity speaks volumes about you as a person. The mere fact that you mention the words perspective, pleasure, sense of personal achievement, communication, and expression can tell the reviewer more about your character traits than any other statement that you can respond to. He gets to know the real, private you. The person behind the student and the other talents that you have which might be of help to you in coping with the stress of your studies.

As for K-Pop and manga, you can use those as examples of how you spend your down time. However, I would only do that if it can help you better express who you are outside of the classroom in the same way that the drawing activity can. If it can help you introduce yourself better to the reviewer, then go ahead and write about those instead. The final topic choice is yours. We can only advice you as per our opinion on the topic you presented.

Graduate / Engineering background and competence - I'm very competitive candidate for MSc Petroleum Engineering [6]

Arsenij, I am amazed that a statement of purpose is not required for this application. However, I will do my best to help you edit the content of your essay so that you can focus your essay on the reasons for your interest in Petroleum Engineering. Do you see my previous thread where I asked you remove certain information because those relate mostly to your statement of purpose and not your personal statement? Good. Follow those instructions because those are exactly the parts that you need to remove.

Now, for your personal statement. Look at the current state of the Petroleum Engineering industry in your country. Where does the field excel and where does it suffer or fail in your opinion? Discuss those shortcomings and how you hope to improve the performance of the engineers in this field by being an example for them. Those will be reasons why you are interested in the subject for which you have applied.

When you are asked to explain your academic interests and reasons for applying to Imperial College, you will need to show a familiarity with the course curriculum and other relevant programs that the college offers. This may require some research on your part because you will need to look into possible training programs or internships that the college may offer to help you hone your skills in this field. You may also want to look into any research programs that they support which you can join or you can begin your own research while you are a student there so you can take advantage of their research and academic facilities in relation to your professional and / or academic interests. If you have a research topic in mind, this would be the best time to present it.

I think you will need to revise a major portion of your essay because of the very specific requirements of the Personal statement. You should only present the information that you are being requested to provide. Don't include any Statement of Purpose information in this response essay. Remove all the portions I indicated and add the information I am encouraging you to write about in order to better adhere to the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / NYU Abu Dhabi. The idea of going to an university, let alone leaving the school, had been disturbing [5]

Hi Harleen. It would be in your best interest if you start off the essay by immediately saying that you started your education India and moved on to Germany and are now considering studying in AD. That is because you should be trying to show the reviewer that you are aiming for a well rounded international education and that you have been following the Liberal Arts template from the very start of your higher education. Thus making the move to NYU-AD a logical progression in your educational ladder.

I am interested to know if you have already been to the NYU-AD campus? You sound like you have already interacted with the university students and enjoyed the campus life for some reason. If you have, you should explain about that visit from a personal point of view. If you have not done that, I don't suggest that you say that the activities at the university offer a home-like atmosphere to you. That would be assuming too much based solely upon what the second hand information that you have received either through the website or experiences of other people.

Your closing statement really just contains a generic ending for your essay. You could be describing any other university with those keywords. In my opinion, you should end the essay with the paragraph that indicates your fondness for science and how the university can give you an opportunity to have a well rounded education. You just need to modify it to sound more like a conclusion than it does at this point.

Writing Feedback / It is a waste of money to establish libraries since the public can use the Internet at home. [5]

Ivan, you should have worked a little bit more on the presentation of your personal opinion on the topic. Your line of reasoning is too limited and does not really offer a more in-depth understanding of your belief behind the reason why libraries will eventually make a comeback and surpass the internet in popularity. Keep in mind that your layman's reasoning is the most important aspect of this essay discussion. That is because the prompt actually requires you to present a fully threshed out discussion of your opinion in the essay.

In this case, you have academic discussions fully developed while your personal discussion has left the reader wanting to learn more about the idea that you presented. That is all you have presented right now, an idea. It doesn't really properly support your discussion and as such, can actually pull your final score down in an actual test. Always remember to fully discuss your personal opinion whenever it is required by the essay prompt.

In fact, you need not present any other academic resource for your discussion in those instances. Or if you feel the need to present a supporting professional opinion, make it a quick paragraph before your own opinion. You should always highlight your own thoughts on the matter being discussed. Just focus on your personal opinion and the essay will really gain a higher score because of it.

Writing Feedback / The water shortage is observed in the most of countries over the world [2]

Ivan, your task accuracy could land you a score of 7. You really nailed the paraphrasing of the prompt in your presentation. Although, grammar problems did exist, your presentation was still clear and the presentation of your ideas, understandable enough to describe the tone and purpose of the essay.

With regards to your coherence and cohesiveness, the flow of discussion is logical. You did not miss a beat in the manner that you offered both scientific research and public responsibility in the prevention of water shortage. You introduced the El-Nino discussion at just the right point. I have to point out that you could have further presented the El-Nino discussion to support your essay if you had presented it as a separate paragraph topic instead.

It is your lexical resource that may end up with a lower score of 6 along with your grammar range and accuracy. You used some technical terms to describe the situation and the method by which it can be dealt with so there is a sense of complexity in the grammar use and sentence development. I am just not sure if you will have the opportunity to present such detailed information in the actual test because there won't be a chance to research information for your essay when the actual test comes.

Overall, you have done a tremendously good job on this essay. Congratulations!

Writing Feedback / (Summary TED Video) How play leads to great inventions [3]

Alfin, please include the link to the video next time you post a similar TED video so that we can review it on you behalf. We need to be able to watch the video for ourselves in order to better advise you regarding the content of your essay. At this point, I can offer you a general review based upon what you have written.

Sadly, I am not satisfied with the summary that you wrote because it is confusing to read. There is no sense of logic to what you are saying and the continuity is quite dizzying to follow. One minute, you are discussing the typewriter and in the same sentence, the typewriter somehow turned into a discussion about music. How did that happen? I am sure that is not how that information was presented in the video that you viewed.

The mere length of your essay, which is too short for it to be considered a complete and informative summary, will already tell the reviewer that you have not written an informative and well developed summary. The grammar problems will further promote that idea since it is difficult to follow your flow of thought within the discussion.

You even added a personal opinion at the end with your final sentence, which as you know, is not allowed because you are only being asked to summarize the report and not offer an opinion. So that means that points will be deducted in the task accuracy portion.

Essays / Writing about a troubling issue, which is the shyness in my case [5]

Khadija, it would be best if you tell us what your personal problems might be that you would like to write about. You can also include any personal problems that you have resolved or are trying to find a solution to. It will be difficult for us to help you find a problem or ideology to write about because we do not personally know you and we are not allowed to write the essay for you. Since you will have to write this essay yourself, it would be best if we can suggest a topic for you to write about that is based on your personal experience. Your familiarity with the situation or problem is what will allow you to better discuss and represent yourself in the essay. Can you tell us why you opted to write about shyness before? Maybe we can help you develop a topic based upon that choice of yours. Maybe you were bullied in a certain manner in school or in an activity that you love doing? Tell us whatever comes to your mind and we will try to find a way to spin it in response to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Many people over the world experience water sparsity caused by the spread of the pollution. [2]

Anna, you could score really well in an actual test. In this practice test, your task achievement will be in the range of 6 and above because you were able to properly represent the prompt, offer a solid discussion, and present a commonly known solution to the problem. All of which combine to create a highly responsive essay on your part.

Coherence and Cohesion would be around a 6 as well. You have a logical presentation for your singular solution which has allowed you to better develop your discussion of the solution. While it can still be further developed, the information you currently present works well towards informing the examiner that you have an acceptable grasp of sentence structure and logical discussion formats.

Now, for the lexical resource and grammatical range and accuracy, that would be a 5. You have a lot more work to do in order to overcome the simple words and simple sentence structures that you used in the essay. While there are times when I found myself repeating my reading of your information, I normally managed to understand what you are saying by the second reading. So you did not stress out the reader too much in this instance and you are understandable enough to the other readers.

Writing Feedback / People should go to a library if they want to find a real information. [3]

Reski, you need to do your best to paraphrase the prompt statement from the original. If you don't paraphrase the whole prompt, the reviewer will lower your score because you will have plagiarized the statement in your opening discussion. Try to explain the prompt in your own words as best as you can. Make it original because the reviewer will know if you paraphrased the prompt or not. Also, do not say "incline a reader". The term you are looking for here is inspire, e.g. ... inspire the readers...

Your second paragraph is trying to provide too much unrelated information to the reader. While your reasons are good, the fact that you did not take the time to properly explain your stand using these reasons and examples will further affect your final essay score. Make sure that you use coherent and cohesive examples in your discussion in order to increase your score rate.

In truth, you really did not accurately and effectively defend your stand on the matter. Since your score will be based upon individual assessment, maybe there is a chance that you can get a higher score in the other sections for review. When it comes to task accomplishment though, you are really unable to properly represent your prompt discussion.