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Posts by Anonymoussenior
Joined: Dec 29, 2010
Last Post: Feb 1, 2011
Threads: 17
Posts: 124  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 141 / page 4 of 4
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Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "yes we can" - UVA FAV WORD-YES [6]

you began three sentences with it.

This word may sound simple, but there is an infinite number of ways to use it.
The prominence of the word yes goes beyond its definition of affirmative response

are both necessary? repetitive.

goals is plural and it's is singular. maybe say they are as minor...

somewhat repetitive but still a good essay overall.

Please read my Notre Dame essay
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Times have changed Notre Dame essay [13]

change individuals to I. You are talking about how you notice it not individuals and that you wished they noticed it so maybe I is better.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "favorite angiosperm, Hubert," - short MIT Supplement [8]

Nice essay overall but I agree with everyone else you sould like you are trying too hard to use big words in the beginning. Sometimes simplicity is key and in this case just go with the simple use of tree.

please read my Notre Dame essay.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "An international student discovering Bates" - app essay [6]

I don't see why you couldn't use the same essay as long as you change every time you said bates and maybe changed a little bit of the information to be taylored to fit the other school. Good essay overall though. 700 words is quite long for a school, especially if it is a common app school. A college has to read a ton of essays so you might want to do some shortening but I think it is fine.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Engineering and Dad's Influence - Princeton Essays [6]

change really interesting to something more articulate.
second sentence maybe say: As I grew older, my exposure and perspective on engineering changed; rather than being just an interesting career for the future, it became a closer, more obtainable field of study. I now see it as one of the most valuable areas of study...

even looking for anexplanation... replace like the reason with such as.

replace a with the whole project
replace blueprints of future projects to blueprents fore future projects
in many occasions to on many occasions

maybe find a way to shorten and combine these two sentences. In many occasions, my father took me with him to construction areas. During these visits, my father always gave me certain tasks to perform that ranged from making a variety of measurements to preparing a budget sheet with all the costs of the day.

a feeling that aroused me

The activities ignited a feeling of excitement in me, a feeling that aroused because of the passion I have for math, physics, and engineering in general. All these activities taught me much about engineering, shaping my career decision and making me aware of what my true passions are.

repetitive, you pretty much say the exact thing in the first paragraph

I have not read the last two paragraphs yet but I feel like you could really tighten your prose and maybe reorganize some of the sentences so they got with a similar thing you discussed elsewhere in the essay.

Also you may want to spend a bit more time talking about Princeton.

I am not finished reading, I will comment on the last two paragraphs after I get some sleep.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "A lesson at 10, Orchestra at 12.." University of Notre Dame, "morning rituals" [5]

The ending is nice. Is there a reason you capitalize s in six?
shouldn't you capitalize God.
glad you shower daily- haha

reflect on myself sounds kind of weird maybe reflect on a specific aspect of yourself or maybe something in your past or maybe on the previous day. I don't know that change is up to you.

It is slightly repetitive to say I reflect on myself, thinking... cut out thinking and maybe say I reflect on myself, on how I can improve miself as a person, as a student ans as a musician.

Also just so you know you started all of your last three sentences with I.

Thanks for reading my essay and good luck to your as well, who knows maybe we will see each other next fall.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Touring the West Bank" - STANFORD INTELLECTUAL EXPERIENCE [5]

Maybe begin the second paragraph saying
This anticipated experience was made a reality
or this experience became a reality when our group...

I just think it needs some sort of transition. Anyways, great essay otherwise.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "carpe diem" is my motto - Stanford --Letter To Roomate. [9]

I really liked your essay although you may not say you like doing nothings seing as colleges have an image of students that they are always doing something. I like the ending, it seems like you are actually talking to your roomate and that you want to get to know them like they have gotten to know you in this letter. I enjoyed the way you described yourself and I hope you get it so that your roomate can someday read this letter. I like the tone of the essay as well, it is not too serious like other college essays and has a light playfullness about it that one would have when writing to their roomate.

Please read my essay as well.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Times have changed Notre Dame essay [13]

talk about how today you can easily go to the store to buy those things but then they were not readily available, now washing ans drying a load of clothers takes 40 mins and not days.

Say something like I wish others wouldn't take modern technology for granted because even small things that people hardly think about such as a pen and electricity were not present during that time. Relate the detail more to yourself as well.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Times have changed Notre Dame essay [13]

I would stick with the first essay. Maybe elaborate more on the difference between life ten and life now and you will be golden.
I feel you on the banana thing though, I can't even have a banana in the same bag as the rest of my lunch or everything else will taste like it.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Democrats, Republicans, and Heaps of Trash" - influence Common app [9]

I like your essay, especially because you picked someone out of the ordinary that had an influence on you. I don't see any outright problems with your essay and think you spoke clearly and easily got your point across. Great job.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / There's no place like homelessness--Yale Supplement [29]

Wow. I loved this essay and the details you gave about your experience being homeless for a night. Very very powerful essay and I think you made a good point describing how your one night changed not only how you think but also how you behave. Great job.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / (pre- med and study abroad + An Explorer) - Boston [12]

If you read mine I will read yours.

Short Essay: In five or six sentences, tell us how you first became interested in BU and what steps you have taken to learn more about us.

Pushing through the endless sea of teenagers at the Westminster College Fair, I stumbled upon Boston University. At the time, I was merely a junior and I didn't know where I wanted to go for college or even what subject field I wanted to major in, but I did know that I wanted to be in Boston. With that in mind, I shyly introduced myself to the BU representative, and asked for some basic information about what BU had to offer. She informed me that it was acceptable to be undecided and that I had two years to decide a major once I started at BU. After the college fair, my curiosity towards BU continued to grow. I became a frequent visitor of the schools website, I attended college meetings at my school, and I confidently introduced to the BU representative at the college fair my senior year. After much research, 1,108 miles from home, with over 18,000 undergrads, more than 250 programs of study and excellent pre- med and study abroad programs, my major might still be undecided, but my college choice is definite.

Essay #1: Given what you know about Boston University, what do you hope to accomplish as an undergraduate here? Please respond in an essay of no more than 500 words.

425 words

I have always considered myself an explorer of sorts, even as a toddler, I wanted to see and experience everything around me; consequently, most of my explorations ended with me being lost. While my navigational skills have greatly improved since then, my passion for exploration continues.

As I embark on my college journey, my curiosity of the world around me continues to grow and will only be farther enthralled at BU. I look forward to exploring the Boston area, as well as all the BU campus has to offer. As a member of the Boston University community, I could familiarize myself with the city of Boston and see where my exploration takes me. With a student body that hails from all fifty states and many countries represented at BU, I would be afforded with diversity in learning, as well as, the diversity of the student body. I would be able to explore my love of learning, while stepping out of my usual comfort zone to learn about other cultures first hand, from those that have grown up experiencing that culture every day. With BU's study abroad programs, I would be able to further my exploration of foreign countries and languages, while still receiving the excellent education that BU has to offer. At BU, I know that I can accomplish anything and everything no matter how great or minuscule.

At BU, I could attend a Boston Red Sox or a Celtics game. I could try my hand at a number of options for undergraduate research. I could participate in a Boston Tea party reenactment and see where the events took place. I could join any number of organizations, from the Quidditch Team to the skateboard club. I could join an organization with opposing viewpoints, just so that I could understand and maybe even find some truth in the opposite opinion. At BU I could use my autonomy and start my own organization (the Black Med Student Society) or I could go from being undecided to double majoring. I could pick up a minor in a language or in women's studies, while still finding the time to successfully graduate in four years.

Of the many things I would like to accomplish during my four years as an undergraduate, the experience would not be the same if not at BU. Wherever my explorations should take me, whether around Boston or studying abroad in another country, I will always remember my binoculars and follow the trail I left behind, so that I can find my way home to BU.

Be Harsh I need these to be as good as possible. Feedback is appreciated.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Successful people graduated from Northwestern University" - Northwestern supplement essay [6]

What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

This is the prompt for others who might be wondering what he/she may be answering.

Overall I enjoyed your essay, however I think you spent a little too much time talking about your role model that went to Northwestern than what qualities make Northwestern attractive to you.

your reason to attend:
quarter syster- great, not too many schools offer this
top ranked engineering school
flexibility - double major
competent teachers who want to teach
you knew someone successful who went there
Pharmaseek

I may be reading this the wrong way but it kinda sounds like you want to go there because they are top ranked and because you know someone who makes millions of dollars who went there and you want to make millions of dollars too.

Also it is never a good idea to talk about ranking in a college essay because it may seem like you only want to go there based on how hight they are ranked with U.S. News and World Report.

Still I enjoyed your essay but I feel like you need something else that will make this essay pop, maybe a program or a club/ organization that is only offered at NW. You want the admissions person to know oh this kid really wants to go here and they did their research, so maybe do some searching around their website to tighten up your essay.

I hope this doesn't come off as harsh as that is not my intention whatsoever. Additionally, please read and comment on my essays as well.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Game + Golden Advertisement + Curriculum - Notre Dame [12]

1. The Grotto is a cherished destination on Notre Dame's campus, a space that invites students and visitors to pray and take time for reflection. Do you have a place that you seek out, and what do you contemplate there?

The sound of pounding feet, ragged breathing, hammering hearts, and balls whistling through the air remind me that I am home. Green clay and the distinctive sounds of an ongoing tennis match are my solace, providing me with an arena to vent my clouded thoughts. My opponent serves. "Don't miss the ball" my mind shrieks at me. I am running. "How will traffic be on the way home?" The ball bounces. Pop. My racquet connects with the ball, sending the it and my mind soaring into another stream of conscience. "I wonder how I did on that AP Statistics test today." Slice. "What will I eat for dinner?" Lob. "Why does Macbeth slaughter Macduff?" Forty. "Why do people say one thing then do the opposite?" Deuce. "I wonder what new features Apple will incorporate in the Iphone 5?" Advantage. Another serve, another return, another thought reverberates through my mind. I am done contemplating for today, my head is clear, and I am completely relaxed. Game.

I like how you let the reader into this comfort zone of yours. It is personal but i don't feel intrusive. Great job.

2. What is one small detail in the world that you notice and wish others did, too?
This is quite long so and it is only supposed to be around 150 words so can someone help me shorten it please.


After the previews have begun, I make my way into the crowded movie theatre, a slushy in one hand, and a small bag of popcorn in the other. Battling through the mass of legs to the only vacant seat, I finally get situated. Believing the hard part is over, I go to place my drink in the cup holder only to realize they are both taken. Now I have two options, holding my drink for the next one hundred minutes or asking one of the strangers next to me to switch cup holders. Just as I go to ask, I wonder, which arm rest is mine? Being right handed, I would assume that the right arm rest is mine, but that logic fails if the person next to me is left handed. Should I look to the end of the row to see what arm rest they have chosen? All of these are valid questions that one would think unnecessary in an industry that makes over ten billion dollars a year, and yet, I may be stuck holding my slushy for the next one hundred minutes. I wonder if after the "turn off your cell phone" warning and the "silence is golden" advertisement, if they should also add an answer to which arm rest belongs to whom.

Kind of stuck and don't know what to talk about. Should I say more about the course and what it would entail or say why I should be the instructor? Any ideas would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading my essays. If you comment and leave ideas I will return the favor.

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