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Posts by zowzow
Joined: Dec 14, 2008
Last Post: Aug 23, 2010
Threads: 10
Posts: 174  
From: Zimbabwe

Displayed posts: 184 / page 4 of 5
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zowzow   
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / common app essay : the person who carried me [7]

just a small thing

So did her neighbors.

neighbors there should be without the u. If you're using microsoft word, make sure you change the word check to english (USA) because your british-like english is differnet to americans

it stuffed me up too lol
zowzow   
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / ohio university written task [7]

well i don't think you need to go into much detail about the financial crisis. I mean most people have been impacted by it and they know whats going on. so sending in such general essay which tells nothing about you to your universities i think is a waste of opportunity.

I would (personally) get rid of/condense at least half your descriptions about the crisis and replace it with more descriptions of you.

remember, admissions officers wants to know about you, your selling yourself to them and you don't want to tell them about something they already know like the financial crisis
zowzow   
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / ohio university written task [7]

you need a lot more detail on why this crisis is of important matter to you. instead of going into detail about how this crisis occurred, talk a lot more about your situation and from your point of view. an anecdote always helps
zowzow   
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / Commonapp short answer, activity (I was in the pool) [13]

you can't remove it

if you're worried about someone else copying it then you should put your full name in your settings so that it is shown with every comment you write here

also the fact that you have it on this site with your full name (when you write one) can be used as a proof that you are the original author

(dw i went through this too)
zowzow   
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / 'Considered quitting' - Tufts short answer and essay [18]

if you're sending your stuff over the net you don't have to make it less than 50 words or 200 words exactly

they have 500 and 2000 letters limit on the net so you should be able to write much more than what you have now.

good luck i'm applying too and am working on that one lol
zowzow   
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / "Wild goose father"; TUFTS- "Let your life speak" [3]

hey thanks so much! I didn't expect this much of help! lol

yea need to look over the second essay. i just wrote that one up in the last hour prob shouldnt have put it up so early lol

wat about my why tufts one?

and yea i need to do the optional one too lol not so optional that one if you think about it

hopefully ill get in too! from your knowledge i can see that you'll be in already!

ps. about the word limit - i no its 2000 letters but i just didnt want to fill it all up. I would like it to be close to the 200 word limit at least instead of 300 im close to now! lol
zowzow   
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / "Wild goose father"; TUFTS- "Let your life speak" [3]

time for me to ask for some help again! lol

Why Tufts?
Internet can only be of limited help when searching for my dream university in a country I have never visited, yet it convinced me that Tufts was the place. Tufts has one of the strongest International Relations department, my choice of major. I want to broaden my knowledge and explore core areas that may ultimately decide my future. Its 60+ core faculty from 16 departments in IR will allow me to explore my various interests. I believe Tufts' diverse opportunities will open many doors for me.

"Let your life speak" Describe the environment in which you were raised and how it influenced the person you are today.

In Korea they call it the "wild goose father," referring to fathers who send their children and wife to English speaking countries for their education while he remains in Korea to work. This pattern is a commonly occurring phenomenon in Korea, fuelled by their desire for better education, no matter the cost. Unlike many families who purposefully undertake this physically and emotionally challenging separation, ours was of coincidence. Our migration to Australia as a whole family ended abruptly when my father's business failed only after a year. Unable to find a proper job, he went back to Korea to find work, so we became a "wild goose family"

Though challenging and unexpected at first, I had gotten used to taking care of my brother and helping out my mother. I thought I had done to adapt well to Australian culture and speak the language well enough and thus have fulfilled my purpose.

But it was only recently that I thought about my parents and their sacrifices. I never thought about the lonely road my father walked in Korea, living alone working all day to provide for his children for years. I never considered the challeng path my mother took, looking after her two children in a foreign country, while being separated from her soul mate.

While this lifestyle of "wild goose family" is not ideal, it did make me become a strong individual; a mature person when facing a challenge, can say to himself "I've had worse, this is nothing." But most of all, now serves as my motivation. The sacrifices my parents made for me will not be forgotten and everything I do, I will do my best to make them proud, to make their sacrifices worth while.

"Self-identity and personal expression take many forms. Use the richness of your identity to give us insight: Who are you?"

The laughter died. The room became silent. I realized that I had just made the biggest and the most damaging mistake in my whole life in front of 300 people. Oh, I apologize. Let me explain. My motto is "get amongst it!" It just tells who I am.

...

all of these obviously needs a lot of improving and the last two are a bit too long. I need to shorten it but don't know how to! the first one needs to improve the first and the last sentence any constructive feedback is helpful! thanks guys!
zowzow   
Dec 29, 2008
Undergraduate / What would you want your roommate to know about you? - oxymoron [6]

funny and good essay

just a correction about the starting sentence though

I was talking to my mom about how to put me into words

is too informal

should be something like

I was talking to my mother about how to describe me in words.

i'm sure you can make it better
zowzow   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / 'expressions and gestures' - Common Short Answer (extracurricular act.) [4]

The club offered me an opportunity to venture into the deaf world and befriend many students from the Washington School for the Deaf. As my sign language skills improved, some grammar errors. past and presnt tense confusions

The experience taught me the lesson that I should not run away from any barrier I encounter and that any barrier can be broken down if effort is put into finding the solution. should refer this to yourself as this is your evaluation
zowzow   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Why Columbia? (the amazing research facilities) [6]

Advancements in technology are constantly being made due to the immense amount of research being done. I have succeeded in high school due to self-motivation and support from my parents and teachers.

this middle bit i think detracts your arguments a little from the rest. and the ending is a bit weak because of that. Refer more directly to Columbia if you can.
zowzow   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Syracuse Supplement (aspirations + work experience) [9]

Very few students around me had the opportunity to experience this; their parents spoiled most of them. My job gave me the mentality to be around a diverse community to work together and also made me independent.

this bit is i think what angela was referring to. Its making you sound like everyone else around you is useless people who are all spoilt while you are in the middle of all that becoming all hero like. and your next sentence makes it sound as if you're differnet to all of them in an arrogant way.

everything else is alright, just this bit. Fix it up and you should be sweet.
zowzow   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Common App Essay - Not specified topic yet. [6]

about the tenses, its best to keep it to one. even if you know what you're doing, the admissions officers may think otherwise and may think that you've made a mistake.

and as others have already said, specific is good but redundency is not. You need to remove a lot of unnecessary information/descriptions.
zowzow   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Why Carnegie (economics essay) [9]

is there a prompt or a question you have to answer? it might make it easier for us to correct it and see if it relates to it or not
zowzow   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Essay word limit tip for students [9]

nah its 1500 letters, because mine was more than 150 words and it still sent. And they can't count how many words you have on the internet, rather how many letters. So everything you send is counted through letters not words. for the personal essay, you're just uploading it so they don't know how long that is. Just the university's job to work it out
zowzow   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / 'Internship participation' - NYU short answer: Why did you chose this school? [11]

I chose to construct an individualized major from the Gallatin School because of the flexibility and infinite possibilities. Gallatin will allow me to pursue my interests, without the requirement of an audition, in both international finance and music administration, as my aspiration is to have a profession overseas in band management though I do not play an instrument. I'm mainly interested in the ability this major will give me to participate in various types of internships, especially abroad

these two are not really needed are they?
zowzow   
Dec 28, 2008
Student Talk / Are scholarships for essays offered by all colleges? [6]

the scholarships aren't given out just because of your essays
they are given to you as a whole. I'm guessing you're referring to merit aids?
that is based on your grades and essays and things like that put together.
zowzow   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / 'Internship participation' - NYU short answer: Why did you chose this school? [11]

your second sentence is wayyy too long lol as in it should be separated.

Gallatin will allow me to pursue my interests in both international finance and music administration, without the requirement of an audition. As my aspiration is to have a profession in band management overseas without the need to play an instrument. My main interest lies in the opportunities this major offers for my various types of internships, especially abroad.

this is just one correction. I'm sure others will have better ones lol

actually i think i made it longer! sorry!
zowzow   
Dec 27, 2008
Undergraduate / Essay word limit tip for students [9]

don't worry about the words, its about the letters. On your word checker, look for the letter count including spaces and if thats above 1500 then you should cut some down.

and thanks!
zowzow   
Dec 27, 2008
Undergraduate / Essay word limit tip for students [9]

A lot of people are having problems understanding this word limit thing (as did I)

heres few "tips"

1) If you're sending your essay via internet (common apps for example) and the word limit it says is 150 words or less. The limit that the site will accept is 1500 letters. This could mean you max you can write is 130 words or 180 words (depending on the length of your words etc) But generally, you will be able to write more than 150words.

If the limit is 300 then the site will accept up to 3000 letters (including spaces btw)

another type is things like minimum 200 words. yes this means you can write a lot but doesn't mean you can write 1600 word essays. No matter how interesting your topic and how great your writing might be too much is not good. Best range is 600-800. This should be enough to introduce your story/idea and discuss the impacts on you etc.

2) If you're sending it via paper then don't worry so much about the word limits. This way you will be able to write much more than 150 words but not too much. The admissions officers have done this long enough to see that 150 word short answer has been turned into 500 word essay. But you can write more than internet generally.

Just another tip. All essays must have at least half, if not majority talking about yourself and how you have changed for the better because of your experience etc. A lot of people (esp for important people and their influence) talk a lot about the external important person or the event or the story itself and not enough evaluation about how you have changed as a result etc. The admissions officers wants to know about you not about Abraham Lincoln or September 11.

Anyway I hope that clarified for you somewhat. I'm not a great writer as I'm still struggling with my essays. But I hope I was of some help.

Enjoy!

:)
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / why tufts? need to know if its specific enough [10]

thanks heaps guys!
I feel that SAT CR section is much easier than this "why us" questions. Its very hard to sound absolutely passionate like some of the others I have read. I'll fix it up and post it again!
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / why tufts? need to know if its specific enough [10]

thats why i needed to know if its specific enough. and for internationals like me, second hand opinions and experiences are the only way to see what universities are good for me.

how else would i find out if a uni is a good fit or not?

and yes i hate "why us" questions.
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / why tufts? need to know if its specific enough [10]

Why Tufts? (500 letters)

As I began my search on the Internet for a university in a country I have never visited before, my expectations were simple. Decent international relations department, East Coast location and size big enough for diversity but small enough for engaging class discussions. Tufts satisfied my expectations and more. Staffs were easily accessible through emails, the homepage was simple yet informative and alumni's comments were nothing but full of praises. This "globally-recognized" university surprised me by making my heart yearn to begin my next chapter of life at Tufts University.

Now I just need to know if this is what everyone says is needed for why us essays.
Is this specific enough? I mean these are the reasons why I want to go to this school wholeheartedly but it seems to be too general.

and again, the last sentence needs some work

thanks!
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / MIT (Short Activity Essay) RUNNING! [4]

great essay but you can shorten it by removing the repetiveness at the start.

I am a runner. I do not walk or jog. I run.

can be cut down to I run. or something along those lines. Short but with more impact.

if the promt asked you for 100 then around 120 is the max limit usually. I don't think you can get away with 166. It is a pity though becuase its a great short essay.

maybe you can remove this bit

Running was also a faithful friend who helped me through my grandfather's death and my parent's divorce.

i don't think its that necessary in your essay

:)
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / first moments teaching - Common App Essay - A story (Topic of Choice) [5]

well I guess you could start by reducing the quotes. It seems to me that you're analysing your speech rather than using your speech as a method of telling us about yourself. Its great that you're trying to show how you have grown through the telling of your speech you seem to be describing awful a lot about what happened in general. The events and actions etc rather than focusing on your growth and things like that. The only evaluation it seems is in the last 100 words.

So i would cut down on the speech quotes and expansion/explanations on those quotes. summarise the events and write more on the impacts on you and how you have changed etc.

:)
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / "My vacation of 2007" - Princeton Supplemental Essay [8]

others' businesses (needed to match the subject by being plural)

They were all here to preach the religion and to help the society.

as Pyramus said, you still have frequent grammar errors

they said (its past here)to me, "You will be blessed with what you did." That moment, it seems (here it is present) to me, that I am about to ingress a new phase of life.

you need to go over the essay carefully and adjust these tense errors. these are the most frequent, easily made errors in the essay process as you need to keep it either present or past. (or if you're a great writer like Shakespeare, you don't need to)

I can't (separate them. cannot is more formal) say

and also your essay is a bit, a tiny bit too long. I mean your essay is great and intersting but still 1000 words for a suppliment essay describing your extracuricular activities is too much I think. Though I could be wrong and Prinston may want 1000 word essays.

:)
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / 'famous for its English and Humanities' - Why Hamilton College? [3]

some awkward choices or words/sentences there

If I can be luckily enrolled in Hamilton

I don't think luckily should be used there, it promotes wrong values. Like you're not qualified enough but if the admissions officers are stupid enough to enroll you sort of thing.

As far as I know, this sort of connections are not very good either. Be more specific.

and the last sentence is too long. separate it if you can.

you generally seem to use a lot of commas. Maybe you should use more full stops or connecting words instead of using them so much.

your content is good though so just work on it a bit more!
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / 'disciplinary lessons' - Tufts - Short Answer [6]

It might be better off if you decide to talk about a specific instance instead of such generalised comment? like give examples of where you learnt to be respectful towards elders, being polite and things like that isntead of listing the things you have learnt.
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / Global warming. Stanford essay. Solution? 'Working together as a society' [4]

you need to talk about yourself and how this impacted on you
your arguments good but you need to focus this essay on yourself more. The rhetorical questions are good but not as effective as it could be. It is a little bit cliched.

read the prompt carefully - it says - "and its importance to you."

how is this important to you, how much important, why? etc etc
remember that this is not a high school report on global warming but rather an opportunity to talk to potential universities about an issue and why it is important to you. Sorry if i'm sounding repetitive but you get the point?
zowzow   
Dec 25, 2008
Undergraduate / CommonApp Short Answer: elaborate on one of your activities [11]

lol nothings perfect for the very prestigious schools
and your activity isn't all that flashy. Its just organising shirts and pies.
i'd try to make it more interesting. More adjectives and stuff.
but your grammer is strong so thats good

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