Writing Feedback / essay episodic content (1447 words) [5]

Greetings!

Goodness, you're awfully hard on yourself! Sure, your essay could use a little help with the details, but you've got a great basic concept, and you state your position well. I think your arguments are convincing. I'll be glad to help you with proofreading and editing. So, line by line:

"The whole house asleep except for yours truly."

Insert the word "is"--I think you just overlooked it.

"The television cast a ghostly glow to the room."

"Casts" needs an "s", since you're writing in the present tense.

"My face fixed to the center of the television screen in a zombie-like gaze."

"My face fixed" is a little awkward. How about: "My eyes are glued to the center of the television screen with a zombie-like glaze." (Yes, I did mean "glaze"!)

"I was finally at the first boss, after having to navigate the treacherous lake filled with all kinds of unspeakable horrors."

I'm not sure what "at the first boss" means. I'm a gaming ignoramus, so if this is a technical term, it's probably fine as it is. If, however, you meant that you have finally reached a boss-type person and are about to engage in combat, it would be better to state that specifically ("I was finally about to fight the first boss, after . . . "). Come to think of it, ". . . after navigating a treacherous lake" might sound a little smoother.

"I almost killed the gigantic monster until a knock came from the door. It released me from my stupor."

How about: "I had almost killed the gigantic monster when a loud knock on my door released me from my stupor."

"My mother, awaken from the loud shrieks and screams coming from the television, was standing outside the door waiting to strike like that demon hound."

I would used "stood" instead of "was standing." "Was standing" is in the passive voice, which is a writing no-no. Also, I'm not clear as to which demon hound you mean. It might be better to say "a demon hound" or to name which hound ("that demon hound of the Baskervilles" or whatever).

"It was Monday morning and I definitely had school to go to."

". . . I definitely had to go to school" would be better.

"Sitting on the bed, I glanced around the room seeing a pile of video games yet to be played from years."

I'm not sure if you mean that there were unplayed video games that would take you years to get through, or if you've already spent years playing them. I also think the sentence could be tightened up a little: "Sitting on the bed, I stared at the pile of video games that would take me years to complete", or something like that (depending upon your meaning).

"It is undoubtedly frustrating to see a game go unfinished. Which is why I believe episodic content, in other words episodic games, will be the wave of the future."

The second sentence is incomplete by itself, but would be fine added to the first sentence (again, with a little tightening up). ". . . a game go unfinished, which is why I believe episodic games will be the wave of the future." I think your reader will understand that episodic games and episodic content are the same thing.

"I'm thinking that the first episodic game would be a pilot to see if consumers are interested then thus expanding on the first game with additional episodes."

I would take out "I'm thinking that" and start the sentence with "The first episodic game . . . "
The whole essay is about what you think, so you don't need to restate it. The end of the sentence needs clarification; maybe, ". . . if consumers are interested, then additional episodes would be developed to meet consumer demand."

"Instead of $49.99 for a regular game, it would only be $19.99 because of the less development time and resources used developing the game."

I think we could smooth this sentence out. Maybe something like: "The cost of an episodic game would be $19.99 instead of the $49.99 charged for a regular game. An episodic game would require less time to develop and use fewer resources, justifying the lower price."

"Just like a successful TV show like LOST, 24, the unit. These TV shows build an audience over time.

You've got another incomplete sentence, and the show titles need to be italicized: "Successful TV shows like LOST, 24 and The Unit build an audience over time."

"The same can be said about episodic games, if the game is engaging and challenging then it would build an audience. Having an audience has the potential of creating a steady stream of revenue for the game developers so they can continue to further the series."

How about: "An engaging and challenging episodic game would build the same kind of audience, providing a steady stream of revenue and enabling the developers to further the series."

"Since a lower price point is appealing to consumers, selling one hundred million copies of an episodic game at $19.99 versus ten million copies of a regular game at $49.99. To me, the obvious choice being the higher sold with the low price point. Plus I as a gamer get to enjoy spending less for a game."

We need to clean up a little muddiness here. Maybe you could start the sentence as you have it, then continue: ". . . consumers, the potential exists for selling one hundred million copies of an episodic game at $19.99, as opposed to ten million copies of a regular game at $49.99." Then you could go on to say something like: "As a business person, I prefer the scenario of higher numbers of sales with the low price point; as a gamer, I would enjoy spending less for a game."

Whoops--my clock just chimed at me, telling me I have to go for now. I will be happy to look over the rest of your essay later in the day. I hope the suggestions I have given you will help!

Until a later post,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Philosophy, Robotics, and Economi NCSSM ; COMMUNITY -Academic&Residential Experience [3]

Greetings, Kalyan!

I love the addition! It makes me feel as though I'm right there with you. I would suggest setting it apart from the rest of the essay as a special introduction--maybe by italicizing it, or leaving an extra line between it and the body text.

I do have a question about the opening lines:

"It was a crisp, cool morning in June. I sat in a rented cottage on the hills of Tirumala, one of the holiest places in all of Hinduism. The place where God Himself became a statue for all the world to adore."

The third line is an incomplete sentence. You may have intended it to be that way; sometimes writers do that for effect. However, technically it is incorrect. IF you want to change it, I suggest using a long dash: ". . . all of Hinduism--the place where . . ." The admissions people may see it as I do--a way to emphasize your idea. Or they may see it as an incomplete sentence. Just do what you feel best suits your intent.

One other thing:

"When I visited NCSSM for open house, I was impressed with the jazz band that was outside in the courtyard. I was impressed with the level of music they were playing and wanted to be a part of that program."

You've repeated the word "impressed." Maybe you could substitute another word in one of those sentences for a little variety. I'm sure you can find a word in your thesaurus that would work.

I am certainly "impressed" with your essay, and I am sure the admissions committee will be too!

Best of luck to you, Kalyan!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Question for UNC essay (word count) [26]

Greetings!

I wish I could give you a definitive answer to your question, but that kind of insider info is generally not available to the public. The safest course would be to find a bit of your essay that you think could be trimmed. Going over the limit by a word or two--or five--might be alright, but 80 is quite a few.

You might ask your guidance counselor what he or she thinks. You could even call the university's admissions office and ask there; they would very likely say to just follow the guidelines, but you never know. You might get hold of someone super-helpful who knows the ropes.

I would be cautious about getting advice from peers--unless you run into someone who has actually gone all the way through the process. Even then, I'm not sure I'd follow advice from an unofficial source. Circumstances change, and so may requirements.

I hope this helps. My first inclination is always to go to the source for information--in your case, the university admissions office. Or else steel yourself to push that delete button 80 times! (Ouch!)

Best wishes,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Irelands education history in the 1960's [2]

Greetings!

Well, I'm more familiar with America's educational system than Ireland's, but fortunately one kind find almost any information on the Web these days. :-)

Here's how I research a paper: First I go to my local library and use their computer to look up my subject. In your case, you would look for "Education." You will probably get a list of books that cover Irish education, since libraries tend to focus on things of direct interest to their patrons. If the field is too broad, narrow it down: "Education in Ireland" or "education 1960s", for instance.

When I've found a book, I look in the table of contents and the index for words that cover my subject. Some will have what you want, some won't. If you have a large library available to you, you can look for educational periodicals. These are most likely to be found in a university library. And be sure to ask a librarian for help. I used to work in a library, and trust me when I say they WANT to help you.

You can also check book stores, of course. I have occasionally bought a used book for research if I thought I might be able to use it more than once, and if the price is right (this means very cheap!).

I supplement the books I find with Internet research. Just type your subject into a search engine and see what pops up. Again, if you get too many possibilities, narrow down your terms. You can also search for educational journals by name; some will let you download articles for free, but most charge for the privilege.

The very best place to look for academic articles is in the database of a university library, if you have access to one. There you will find articles that you can download from scholarly journals. You search for them by subject, just like with books or on the Web. You are likely to find articles that specifically address the areas you mentioned--state, church, etc. Again, ask a librarian for help.

This is pretty basic researching info; forgive me if you already know it. I took you at your word about not knowing where to start!

I hope this info helps. Post again & let me know how you do!

Best wishes,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Canadian Identity -- Highway's Rez Sisters and Hall's Diaspora [4]

Greetings, and good morning!

It really helps to get someone else's perspective, doesn't it? Glad to be of service.

On first read, I missed the information that this is an essay for English class. With that in mind, I think you should consider simplifying your concepts and language for the sake of clarity. I'm sure academics would have no problem with concept-dense style, but it might be a bit high-flown for the average jane or joe. Of course, it all depends on what your instructor expects, and what you are comfortable with.

I can give you an example of what I'm talking about. You wrote:

"Highway's play is able to look upon a distorted Native past-the Native aporia-and retell the Native experience as a hyrbridised identity, an intercultural Native that still maintains origin."

I get what you're saying here, but it took several readings and a lot of concentration (and I'm reasonably bright). Something like, "Highway's play looks upon the Native past--the Native aporia [which, BTW, I suggest you define the first time you use it]--and retells it as a tale of distorted identity. The play's protagonists retain their Native character, but in a hybridized form that has been altered by the dominant culture."

There are any number of ways to express the same idea, of course; this is just one suggestion. The point is to assume that your reader, while not actually as dumb as a stump, isn't a genius, either. My philosophy is that an essay should be accessible to anyone of average intelligence who is willing to put a little bit of effort into reading it. If it is too erudite, the reader's eyes will quickly glaze over, and you've lost him or her.

I think your essay contains some well-thought-out ideas and good research. The quotations are apt, and your command of language and sentence construction is impressive. I also think that if you take the language down a notch, more people will be able to enjoy it.

I take it that the Rez Sisters play is a work of your own imagination and does not exist otherwise? I like the context it provides for an exploration of the fusion of Native and colonial identities.

And BTW, I like "jostling." It gives a clear picture of identities rubbing up against each other in a rather chaotic way. As to "con-form," I like the humorous touch, but it might require an explanation ("con-form, in the sense that . . . ", or something along those lines).

All in all, I think you are right on target in your assessment of your work so far. I would suggest that you run a spell- and grammar-check on it; I noticed a few uh-ohs. Your main ideas are excellent, the inclusion of The Rez Sisters is creative, and you obviously have no problem letting the words flow. You might want to get input from a few other readers; their opinions could be completely different from mine.

Good luck, and keep up the good work!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Scout/ Grammar School/ Drama/ Peer Counseling; UC - More on Academic Record [2]

Greetings!

Let's see what I can do, whether we're within the deadline or not:

"Several times a year I take camping trips, some as far away as Oregon."

Change "take" to "took," since the rest of the paragraph is in the past tense.

"As a young student in grammar school, I decided became active in various clubs and activities."

I think you may have accidentally combined two versions of this sentence. That leaves you with the choice of ". . . I decided to become active . . ." or ". . . I became active . . ."

"I also enjoyed an after school program called G.A.T.E., which taught finer arts such as acting, drawing, and several other crafts."

"Fine arts" would be better than "finer arts."

That's all I see. You stated your accomplishments quite well, and your writing is clear and to the point. Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Topic # 1 What you will bring to the University of California - review [4]

Good morning!

Why would I hate you? Because you're doing your best to make a good life for yourself? I don't think so! That's what we all want, after all.

So, with that in mind, let's look at your new essay:

"I met individuals from every corner of the earth and every walk of life and quickly realized that I, as a first generation immigrant would not be alone."

Insert a comma after "immigrant" to finish enclosing the clause.

"After some inquiry, it occurred to me that they did no understand what gift they posses and how many people would kill to be in their shoes."

Typo alert: you forgot the "t" on "not" and the last "s" on "possess."

"My background has allowed me to have the ability to look at the bigger picture and appreciate the opportunities I have been presented with."

"My background has given me the ability . . . " would sound better, but if you are trying to meet a word count and don't want to shorten anything, it's OK as it is.

"With the confidence and unbreakable determination I have developed overcoming all of my adversities I will undoubtedly will allow me to succeed in any facet of life."

I think you may have accidentally combined two different versions of this sentence. That leaves you with a couple of choices; either: "With the confidence and unbreakable determination I have developed overcoming all of my adversities, I will undoubtedly succeed in any facet of life." Or: "The confidence and unbreakable determination I have developed overcoming all of my adversities will undoubtedly allow me to succeed in any facet of life."

"Furthermore, my multi-lingual and multi-national background, as well as, my natural leadership ability can unite those striving to reach a common goal and enlighten those who do not see what treasure is at their finger tips."

Move the comma after "as well as" to after "ability."

You sound confident and motivated to succeed, both very good qualities. I'm glad you decided to emphasize your abilities. I hope the admissions people are as impressed as I am!

Good luck,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / BUSINESS/ STOCK BROKER, BANKER, LAW FIRM ; UC - Intended major? experience? [2]

Hello, again--

Very well-stated! You say exactly what you need to about your accomplishments and desires, and you say it with enthusiasm and clarity. I see only one thing to mention:

"Finance, accounting, business law, economics, communications, ethics all interest me."

I would either put "and" before "ethics" or use a long dash: " . . . communications, ethics--all interest me."

Other than that, I think it's good to go. Nice job!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "most of us take what we have for granted" ; COMMON APP [6]

Hey, Michael--

Lacking in depth? After what you have experienced? Surely not!

Do you have academic accomplishments or extracurricular activities you want to include? If so, you'll have to figure out a way to condense your family information. If you don't have any of those, then I'd say it's fine the way it is.

I wish you had more time before you have to turn this in. Sometimes walking away from a project for a day or two, and then rereading it with fresh eyes is useful. But in this case, you may just need to be satisfied with things the way they are (I realize that may be difficult for someone as determined as you are!). Remember, we are always our own worse critics, so cut yourself a little slack. You have a moving, well-stated essay here that highlights some very admireable elements of your character, so trust yourself.

Good luck, and try to relax!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "most of us take what we have for granted" ; COMMON APP [6]

Well, Michael, you can't do more than tell the truth, in my opinion. If that's what happened, then that's what you should write about. It doesn't sound to me like you are asking for special favors--just telling your story. I advise getting some other people to read your essay and tell you what they think.

Don't worry about the proofing--that's why you posted, right? I know I picked at a lot of stuff; I've been told I was born with a red pencil in my hand, so I can't help myself! Everyone's first (and probably second and third) drafts are rough, so don't sweat it. Your story is compelling, and you can fix all that small stuff easily.

And BTW--you're welcome! Glad to help.

Sarah

Writing Feedback / Canadian Identity -- Highway's Rez Sisters and Hall's Diaspora [4]

Greetings!

You have obviously put a lot of thought and feeling into this essay. It sounds as though you have done academic and/or professional writing--is that correct? My compliments! I would be glad to proof it for typos and give you my thoughts on content, keeping in mind that all suggestions are just that--suggestions. (And I must confess that I had to look up "aporia" in the dictionary. What a great word!)

"Africa is the name of the missing term, the great aporia, which lies at the centre of our cultural identity and gives it a meaning which, until recently, it lacked. No one who looks at these textural images now, in the light of the history of transportation, slavery and migration, can fail to understand how the rift of separation, the 'loss of identity', which has been integral to the Carribean experience only beings to be healed when these forgotten connections are once more set in place.'"

Is this a quotation? I don't see a cite for it. If you wrote it, I suggest that you identify whose cultural identity you are addressing in the first sentence. It's not clear whether you mean Canadians or perhaps a specific group of Canadians. Regarding the meaning of this paragraph, I'm not sure why Caribbeans are entering into the discussion. Would it be possible to draw a clearer connection? Did you perhaps mean "begins to be healed" rather that "beings to be healed"?

"Yet, however much this 'oneness' of historical experience evades Canadian cultural identity, Margaret Atwood suggests a convenient solution, "we are all immigrants." "

I suggest a semi-colon rather than a comma before the quotation.

"The ways in which each emigrating cultures have, and continue to, navigate the political and economic experience of immigration sets them apart from one another."

I would replace "each" with "various."

"How do we console the Canadian-British with the Canadian-Moroccan; the Canadian-British-Manitoban with the Canadian-British-Quebecan?"

Is "console" the right word here?

"Since aboriginals do not fit into the convenient schema of immigrant survival, the native, or, aboriginal community has refused to fit into Canadian cultural identity."

I think you meant the comma after "or" to be placed after "aboriginal."

"(Hall 226)"

Needs a period.

"Thus, if the anchor for the canadian immigrant resides in the struggle for survival, which then makes him Canadian; the Native-Canadian is left to con-form within a space that he is incapable of identifying-that is, to be both Native and Canadian is an impossibility considering our current understanding of the similarity that binds Canadian identity[6]."

Something seems wrong with the first part of the sentence; did you mean "this then makes him Canadian"? I'm not sure that the semi-colon that follows that phrase is correct. The hyphen in "con-form" is probably just a typo.

"There is a jostling of identities that is occurring."

A little passive. How about "A jostling of identities is occurring"?

"If we consider the Native to be Canadian then we exclude the immigrant experience, if we consider the immigrant to be Canadian then we exclude the native experience."

I would change the comma to a semi-colon.

"On one level, I think I have lost 'you' only to discover that 'I' have gone missing as well." (Butler 22)

The final period needs to go outside the citation.

Much as I'd like to proof the whole essay, time does not permit. I think I said enough to give you an idea of the things I was looking for, both nit-picky and significant. The main thing I would suggest is to remember that your average reader (like myself) has little background in this area and needs as much clarification as possible. Of course, if you are writing for an audience of academic professionals, this will not hold as true, but if this essay is for a class, I would keep the ignorance factor in mind. And on the footnotes, I noticed some of them are missing the mandatory space between. Probably a computer-translation problem, but just thought I'd mention it.

Best of luck, although you really don't need it! You seem to have talent in abundance; just combine that with a careful perusal and you'll do very well (in my humble opinion).

Cheers,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "most of us take what we have for granted" ; COMMON APP [6]

Greetings!

You have written a great essay! I'll be happy to do some proofing and editing for you:

"Several years ago, the grandparents that were responsible for my upbringing had passed away. This was a devastating loss I feel to this days."

I'll be that "s" on the end of "days" is a typo!

"At the time, I have not seen my grandparents in quite some time and did not speak to them as much as I would have liked to."

I think you've used "time" too often. How about "When they died, I . . . " instead of "At the time."

Also, you probably meant "I had not seen" rather than "I have not seen."

"I was unable to deal with their passing for an extended period of time until I came to an understanding of what was to be done.."

You've got two periods here. Bad typos!

My grandfather shared on pair of shoes with 12 of his siblings as they were growing up in freezing winters of what used to be known as The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics."

"One pair of shoes," not "on pair," right? I would spell out "twelve" and add "the" between "growing up in" and "freezing." And, wow, I can't imagine how they survived! What incredible determination they must have had!

"He did not let this stop him from became an engineer who is single handedly responsible for some of the largest developments in Moscow, Russia."

"Single-handedly" needs to be hypenated.

"My father came to the United States with a small sum of money and endured homelessness so he could someday bring me to the country of endless opportunity in hopes that I would be able to utilize the liberties and freedoms to prosper ."

It might be better to say, " . . . in hopes that I would prosper under its liberty and freedom." Or something like that. Also, you've typoed an extra space before the final period.

"Holding a job since the age of sixteen and obtaining a full-time position immediately after my high school graduation."

This is an incomplete sentence. How about "I have held a job since the age of sixteen and obtained a full-time position . . . " instead?

"I was driven by the sacrifices my parents and grandparents have made.. But, as I became acclimated to the inner workings of the country I can now call home, it was more and more operant that a lack of education was a likely dead end."

You've got an extra period in there. Also, you can eliminate "can" from the phrase "I can now call home." And I think you mean "apparent" rather than "operant." I would end the sentence with something like ". . . more and more apparent that my lack of education would lead to a dead end in the job market."

"I enrolled in Orange Coast College and struggled to find time and energy between a full time job and my newly acquired endevour."

How about this: "I enrolled in Orange Coast College, where I struggled with the demands on my time and energy as I tried to find a balance between a full-time job and my new academic endeavors." Note that I hypenated "full-time" and changed the spelling of "endeavors."

"It was at a dead end; on one hand I had a duty to support my parents start a new life and on the other I needed to continue my education without which I would likely find myself to be average at best."

You probably meant to say either "It was a dead end" or "I was at a dead end." And you probably didn't mean to say ". . . duty to support my parents start a new life . . ." That looks like either a cut-and-paste accident or a revision that didn't quite get completed. Either way, you need commas after "new life" and "my education."

Fueled by the determination, I sought an employment opportunity that would allow me to provide the same support as before in conjunction with consideration for me as a student."

A couple of things here to make your meaning more clear: take out "the" before "determination," and change "me" to "myself."

"After a prolonged search, a perfect job opportunity opened allowing me concentrate on my education"

Insert "up" after "opened", then add a comma. And I think your final period got lost somewhere.

"With the new position, the opportunity to become a full-time student was no longer a dream and the grades drastically increased, eventhough, I continued to work in excess of 40 hours a week."

May I suggest: "With the new position, the opportunity to become a full-time student changed from a dream to reality. My grades increased drastically, even though I continued . . . "

"I spent the first half of my life in a country which is commonly known to be responsibility for the Cold War, vodka and caviar."

Replace "responsibility" with "responsible for." I like the touch of humor!

"Growing up, I spent several nights falling asleep to the tune machine gun fire and the bedtime story of a tank shelling a building only a few blocks away."

Insert "of" between "tune" and "machine gun." What an ordeal--I'm so glad you're here now!

"I can only say that I will not be one to give up and ever take anything I have granted."

I suggest inserting a comma after "give up," and then saying, "and I will never take anything I have for granted." Note that I inserted the word "for."

It's amazing what you and your family have endured, and inspiring that you have come through it so well. I truly wish the best for all of you, and I hope your educational and career dreams will continue to come true!

Best wishes,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / World Affairs Challenge; UC -'A difficult academic endeavor' [5]

And now for the other essay:

"But as the year went on, I became utterly miserable as my awful time management skills finally caught with me; I no longer ate dinner with my family or read for fun, my weekends became devoted to sleeping, my lunches to extra studying, and the only times I would see friends was during practice or school."

"Time-management" needs a hyphen. A colon rather than a semi-colon is needed after "caught up with me" (BTW, you forgot the "up"), since the rest is really a complete sentence that describes the first part of the thought.

"Hopping"--oops, typo!

"Unfortunately it did not, and I received my first C."

The referral to the dropping of AP English as a helpful measure is a little muddy. Maybe something like: "Unfortunately, it didn't help, and . . . " You may have a better idea.

"But as much as that C is a blemish on my academic record, it is moreover a reminder of a lesson I will never forget: time management is key for a balanced life."

I don't think you need "moreover." Maybe ". . . it stands as a reminder of a lesson . . . " Again, hypenate "time-management." BTW, I totally agree: we all need to realize the importance of balance!

"But, I have also joined the clubs Amnesty International and Green Team and began volunteering every week for an hour at a soup kitchen."

You don't need a comma after "But." "Began" needs to be "begun" to match the tense of the first part of the sentence.

"I sincerely hope that I may apply this new resolve to not only be a good student but one with good time management skills at a University of California."

You know--the hypen thing.

I admire the way you came to grips with your problem of over-extending yourself. Many adults never realize they need to do that, and are mega-stressed as a result.

Another great essay!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / World Affairs Challenge; UC -'A difficult academic endeavor' [5]

Hello, again--

That was quick work! And you're getting closer to perfection. Here's what I see this time:

"And it's a tie for the Best Overall Team! Mercy High School and---" the speakers voice was drowned out by our triumphant screams of glee.

I think you need a new sentence after the quote. Also, "speaker's" needs an apostrophe.

"Academically, I have since strived to achieve the same level of preparedness, organization, and diligence I achieved in the World Affair Challenge."

Is "Affair" supposed to be plural? You might want to check that throughout the essay.

"No, I am not that abrasively annoying kid that always makes sure the teacher remembers to collect the homework, but I do, as cliché as it is, try my best."

The phrase is actually "clichéd as it is." A typo, no doubt!

"Personally, the World Affair Challenged has instilled within me an undeniable sense of personal responsibility and an unquenchable desire to remain politically involved."

I don't think you really need the "Personally," especially since you use the word "personal" later in the sentence, but that's up to you. I think you probably didn't mean to put the "d" in "Chanllenged." And "instilled in me" might be better than "instilled within me."

I like the additions you made. Good job!

Sarah

Undergraduate / BREAST CANCER/ Doing something without feeling helpless; Donho UC [3]

Greetings!

What a great look into your personal mission and the growth of your character! And well-written, too!

I only saw a few small things as I read through it. Here we go:

"As long as no one I knew was affected, I could have cared less."

OK, I admit it--this one is a pet peeve of mine. I know it's common nowadays to say, "I could care less," but the phrase is actually, "I couldn't care less." Think about it--the first way says you have not reached the limits of caring; the second says you have. I'm stepping off my soapbox now. :-)

"Her willpower and strength had to outlast the cancer, she had to because she was raising two boys at the time, one, two years old and the other had just been born."

This would read more smoothly: "Her willpower and strength had to outlast the cancer; she was raising two boys at the time, a two-year-old and a newborn." Or something along those lines.

"I was too self absorbed."

"Self-absorbed" should be hyphenated.

"It was soon further tested personally in my life."

Does "It" refer to your growing awareness? That's not really clear. And "in my life" is a bit redundant, since you've already said "personally."

"The cancer causing substances that my friends were consuming had to be stopped."

Two things about this sentence: "cancer-causing" is a hyphenated word, and the way the sentence is constructed makes it sound like you want to stop the substances themselves, rather than stop your friends from taking them. A subtle but important difference.

That's all I see. I found your essay very moving. Tragic as your aunt's death was, it has inspired you in ways you might never have considered. I hope your support of cancer organizations will continue, and I wish you the best of luck in all that you do!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'eagle project' - contribution or personal quality.. [3]

Greetings!

This an excellent essay! It clearly outlines the qualities you intend to bring to the university and says a lot positive things about your character. The remarks by v8m9t are right on target, and I echo them.

Now I'll list the things you might want to look at, proofing-wise:

"Working on my Eagle Scout project was the toughest challenge I faced in scouts."

I think "Scouts" should be capitalized, since it refers specifially to the program. This holds true throughout the essay.

"I quickly made new friends in other scouts who had joined at a different time than me. I quickly learned how to work together with others through interacting with my peers, and through that partnership I found that hard work makes projects much easier and faster."

"Me" in the first sentence should be "I." You could add say ". . . than I did" instead. Also, you might want to take out the second "quickly." The sentence doesn't need it.

"The main point of an eagle project is to let the eagle candidate learn how to be an effective leader on his own."

"Eagle" should be capitalized; again, it refers to a specific program.

"After leading my group for two years, joined the Senior Patrol, which consisted of four youth who are the leaders of the entire troop."

Oops--left out "I" between "years" and "joined." You also need an "s" on the end of "youth." Typos, right?

"I became a leader and a mentor to the younger scouts, just as the older scouts had been to me when I started as a scout."

Again, the capitization of "Scouts," and I'd end the sentence after "started." The rest is redunant.

That's it. You'll do very well with this essay, in my humble opinion.

Good luck in all your endeavors!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / World Affairs Challenge; UC -'A difficult academic endeavor' [5]

Greetings!

You've written an interesting, involving essay that provides insight into your character, achievements and goals. Well done! It seems to be long enough; it makes your point very well as it is, so unless it's short of the word count requirements, I'd leave it alone.

I'll be happy to proof it for you. Some of what I find may just be typos, so bear with me!

"...announced my teacher gleefully to a class of 30 blank faces."

Spell out "thirty."

"This years issue is global energy."

Needs a comma in "years" for the possessive form.

"We learned about Brazil's depleting Amazon and it's essential "carbon sink," India's rolling blackouts, and the worlds melting ice caps."

This could be improved by adding "the" between "depleting" and "Amazon" and specifying whether you're referring to the Amazon rain forest, the Amazon basin, the Amazon river--whichever. "Amazon" by itself is a little general. Also, "worlds" needs an apostrophe.

"Finally, with our costumes on, lines memorized, and knees shaking, we ready."

Oops--left out "were" between "we" and "ready."

"And amidst pattings on the back, appreciative feet stomping, cameras flashing, (I'm not joking) and the continuing screams of our fellow Mercy girls, the six of us stumbled onto stage and were handed the first place prize--- a Nuevo Latino CD. Weird right? But, we were ecstatic nonetheless."

"(I'm not joking)" is probably unnecessary. We know you're serious! Ditto "Weird right?" Nothing weird about it; it would be weird if you weren't excited. Maybe you could change the last sentence to "We were ecstatic."

"My academic achievements do not reveal that when I now come across an unknown word, whether it be in Othello or in a Newsweek article, I look it up."

"Othello" and "Newsweek" should be italicized, since they are titles of complete literary works. I realize you may have done this in the original and it just doesn't show in this format. Ditto all the subsequent referrals to magazines and TV shows.

That's it! An excellent essay--you should be proud! It sounds like any university would be lucky to have you.

Best wishes!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Great things don't come easy; UC Admission [6]

You're welcome! I'm relieved that you got it in time. Good luck with the psychology classes. I find it a fascinating subject, too.

Sarah

Undergraduate / Psychology; Intended major/ Interest in the field/ Experience [5]

You're welcome, Simon! You have every reason to be confident.

Sarah

Undergraduate / Psychology; Intended major/ Interest in the field/ Experience [5]

Hello again, Simon!

Sorry to take so long to get to this--we've been extremely busy! I hope you'll get this post by morning.

OK, here we go:

"Being an incoming junior, I have to choose diligently as the major I select will have a big impact on my life."

Change "Being" to "As" and put a comma after "diligently."

"Psychology is the major I intend to major in because my interest in this field grew due to my life experiences and my employment."

Change the first "major" to "subject" and end the sentence after "major in." Start the next sentence with "My interest in this field . . . " End the paragraph with this sentence.

"One day on a break from working, I saw a drunk who came into my store and started yelling."

How about this: "One day while I was taking a break, a drunk came into my store and started yelling."

"I realized he must have had a mental disorder and I never saw him again."

Put a comma after "disorder" and change "and" to "although."

"This incident persuaded me that our society needed to be treated for disorders."

You might want to change this to "many in our society need to be . . . ", since not everyone needs treatment. :-)

"When I entered the doors of my psychology class at Merritt College, Mr. Slaughter, psychology teacher, greeted me and welcomed me into his class."

Insert "my" before "psychology teacher."

"I began to get interested into subjects such as phobias and disorders."

Change "into" to "to" and add "other" before "disorders."

"A disorder that made me admire psychology was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It was a disorder that was common in war veterans."

It might be better to say "A condition that I found interesting was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a disorder that is common in war veterans."

"Psychology has influenced me to be more accepting of mental patients and I hope to major in this field."

Do you "hope" to major in it, or "plan" to?

Another good essay, Simon. Best of luck to you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Great things don't come easy; UC Admission [6]

Greetings, Simon!

I'd be happy to take a look at your essay. We'll see what we can do to proof those little mistakes we all make and to make the idioms flow smoothly. Line by line:

"Great Opportunities are some things that don't come very often."

A couple of things here. You don't need to capitalize "Opportunities," and the word "some" is unnecessary.

"When I was growing up in Oakland, California, with my younger brother only to support me in school, my life was hellish."

It should be "only my younger brother to support me . . . "

"Burglaries, rape, and murder were common things in my neighborhood with 3 murders coming around a 3 block radius of where I lived."

Put a comma after "neighborhood," and spell out "three." Change "coming around" to "occurring in."

"All I could think of during that violent period was to get out as soon as possible as I feared extremely for the well-being of my life and my family."

This would sound better if you changed the order of the sentence; maybe something like, "I felt extreme fear for my family and myself, and all I could think of was to get out as soon as possible." You don't really need to state that it was a violent period, since you've already made that point.

"After seeing a group of men fleeing away from my house, which I later found out that it had been burglarized, I knew I had to get into college at all costs and someday stabilize my neighborhood."

Take out "that it." I would also add "return to" between "someday" and "stabilize."

"Living with fear in my neighborhood was an unfortunate circumstance and with my parents low salary it was impossible to gain a college education."

Insert a comma after "circumstance," and put an apostrophe after parents, since it's a possessive.

"College was my opportunity of a one-way ticket out of my bad neighborhood."

Change "opportunity of" to "opportunity for." Also, I'd eliminate "one-way," since you've indicated that you want to come back some day to make reforms (which is a truly inspiring idea, by the way!)

"My mother and father worked low-paying jobs only to support me into going to school."

Take out "only" and change "into going to" to "through."

"During the communist era in China, my mother and father were lucky enough to attend school."

Take out "enough."

"My mother was lucky enough to go through a few more grades then my father."

Change "then" to "than."

"I had trouble in math and English in high-school because neither of my parents was well educated in the fields of math and English."

"Well-educated" needs a hyphen. Change "in the fields of math and English" to "those fields."

"My parents still have limited English since they have been here for about 20 years."

Insert a comma after "English," and change "since" to "even though."

"She told me stories about how $1 could buy a week full of groceries because she didn't make much when she first immigrated."

I think what you're trying to say here is that your mother only had one dollar a week to spend on groceries. Be sure to spell out "one dollar."

"It became apparent that my parents didn't know how to do math when I showed them my 3rd grade homework which included multiplication and division problems."

You need a comma after "homework."

"Every night, I would go over the materials that were learned the next day in order to learn what the teacher was lecturing about."

Replace "were learned" with "for."

"Being accepted to a University of California will be one of the many great accomplishments I will ever fulfill."

It might be better to end this sentence with ". . . accomplishments I hope to achieve."

And the rest is fine--except you need a final period on the last sentence.

It sounds like you have great ambitions, and I wish you the best. You have obviously put a lot of thought into your essay, and your English is really very good. I hope my suggestions for some small changes will help you express yourself in "just right" idiomatic English.

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Thesis idea for my 5-7 pages long research paper (Harry Potter or J.K. Rowling?) [7]

Greetings!

Marlene is giving you excellent advice! All her points are valid and useful--especially the advice about getting started NOW and asking help from librarians. I have worked in a library and helped many patrons, and I can testify to what Marlene says: they WANT to help!

Of course, the first step is deciding on your topic. Marlene's right on track there, too. Dig around a little through sources, including the Internet, and see what's out there. I personally can remember reading several magazine articles about J.K. Rowling over the years, so I know there's material available concerning her personal life and why she invented Harry Potter. There has also been some controversy about the occult nature of her books; some fundamentalist groups objected and went so far as to say her work was inspired by the devil. Now THERE's an interesting topic!

I would use caution if you choose to write about the content of the books. You want to do more than just summarize plots and describe characters. If you have another book or series of books that you like a lot, you might do a compare-and-contrast kind of thing--what do the books have in common, what's different, what points did each author try to make, etc.

It sounds like you would do well with Harry Potter/Rowling because you enjoy them so much. That's a real asset when you have to get down to the nitty-gritty and analyze something. Just get to that library or get on that computer and see what's out there. I'm sure inspiration will strike! And be sure to let us know how you do!

Good luck,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Philosophy, Robotics, and Economi NCSSM ; COMMUNITY -Academic&Residential Experience [3]

Greetings, Kalyan!

You have written an EXCELLENT essay! It's true that it's longer than many admissions essays I have seen, but the content justifies the length. The introduction and conclusion do just exactly what they're supposed to do: state your thesis, and then sum it up. I found the content very interesting, and the way you related your feelings about the upanayanam to the hopes you have for NCSSM is quite affecting and genuine. I have only a few things to suggest that might make it even better:

"I felt impressed with the level of music they were playing and wanted to be a part of that program."

"I was impressed by the level . . . " is a little more idiomatically correct.

"I find that playing my instrument is very rewarding and I certainly want to take part in many ensembles if I attend."

How about "when I attend"? If I were a recruiter, I'd love that kind of positive attitude!

"At the Hospital, I worked it Central Transport to escort patients home and around the hospital."

The first mention of the hospital doesn't need to be capitalized, since you're not calling it by name.

That's really all I can think of. I think NCSSM will be luck to have you!

Best wishes for all your endeavors,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / SELF-COMPELLED to do the best ; UC -Advantage of the educational opportunities [2]

Greetings!

You are off to a fine start! I only have a few minor suggestions.

Line by line:

"Throughout my entire life I have felt self-compelled to do the best I can in all circumstances." I hate to say it, since you're trying to get up to 200 words, but "self-" needs to go. We'll find a place to stick more words in.

"That is why I enjoy participating in all of the rigorous AP classes and taking all of the AP tests our school has to offer-I have passed every one so far while enjoying the rigid and vast learning experience throughout my high school career."

This sentence needs just a little tweaking. First, use a long dash instead of the short one; it looks like a hypenated word. Or you could put a semi-colon there instead. Next, I think "rigid" carries a negative connotation about your feelings toward school. My first thought was to replace it with "challenging," but you've already used that word. How about "stimulating" or "demanding" (which implies that a lot was asked of you, but you rose to the challenge). Finally, the end of the sentence looks like padding. The reader already knows you're talking about your high school career. Also, "experience" needs to be plural, since it refers to AP classes and tests. Maybe you could say something like, ". . . and vast learning experiences they offered."

"For the last several years, I have taken to business administration."

Did you mean to say "I have taken business administration" or "I have taken a liking to business administration"? "Taken to" is a little colloquial for this kind of essay.

Now, for those extra words: How about saying something along the lines of how you have tried to take advantage of every opportunity offered in high school, and you intend to do the same in your university career? Admissions folk always like to hear how hard you're going to work.

You've done a great job of stating your case, in my opinion. I hope these suggestions help. Best of luck to you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / 18 and 19 century - revolutionary social, political, and economic changes research paper [4]

Greetings!

Good to see you back again. I know how it is when you've read your own work to death; you just want someone else to look at it with fresh eyes. So let's see what I can do, at least for the opening part.

"The women's movement was one among the varying conflicts that struggled to gain strength, support, and more importantly direction."

Needs a comma after "importantly."

"Women were troubled by their current social condition and sought to improve upon it, however, their movement for change became increasingly complex or, conversely, increasingly versatile."

How about changing "however" to "even as"? If you don't want to do that, you need to either change the comma after "upon it" to a semi-colon or break it into two sentences at that point.

"The two approaches to the women's movement have converse supporting arguments, yet it is their opposing arguments that unite them to form the feminist movement because it is that opposition what has allowed the two approaches to feed off each other."

Needs a comma after "feminist movement." Also, I think you meant "that has allowed" rather than "what has allowed." :-)

"It created an ultimatum for society since the opposition to one placed them in support of the other."

How about this: ". . . since supporters of one were placed in opposition to the other." My reasoning is that "society" is really a single thing, whereas the pronoun "them" refers to many individuals. (I know, society is composed of individuals, but as a whole, it's one thing.)

I won't try to do the entire paper at one sitting, but I think you're off to a very good start. I also think that if you go at it again, looking for the kind of nit-picky stuff I mentioned above, you'll find some things you want to change. There are a few typos, but that's why we have spell-check, right? I've spotted some areas that don't quite make sense (probably victims of cut-and-paste disease). Also check your tenses to make sure they match, look for run-on sentences (I see a few) and make sure you're using the right type of pronoun to refer to single or multiple things, like in the "society" example.

As far as content goes, you've done a great job of researching! The part about Lady Mary Montagu is very good. I think that Ourika is a little awkward, stuck in there right at the end. Could she perhaps appear sooner?

The section about the salons is a bit lengthy. I'm not sure what I would cut there; you are the best judge of which points are the most important. I found that section somewhat hard to comprehend, most likely because of the cut-and-paste disease, but also because that's where most of the run-on sentences ended up. I'd advise you to read it out loud and see how you think it sounds. You may have an "Ah ha!" moment or two. :-))

If you want to repost after making some changes, I'd be happy to look at it again. I think you have the makings of a very fine paper. Keep up the good work!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / A few Tasks: upper floor construction / Precast concrete upper floors [5]

task 5. It appears that each manufacturer has their own set of specifications for their ceilings. I did find this info from Armstrong: their suspended ceilings require a minimum of 3" of overhead clearance. If you are installing recessed lighting, measure the height of the light and add 2" of overhead clearance. Fiberglass suspended ceilings require a minimum clearance of 2-1/2".

This may not be the kind of specifications you need, so I recommend looking up individual manufacturers info.

Access, or raised, flooring is an elevated flooring system that can range in height from as low as 2" to as high as 72". It is comprised of 2'-0" square panels supported by various types of understructure systems. The panels vary in weight, strength and finish depending on the type of application. The understructure consists of pedestals that elevate the corners of each panel and also vary according to the type of application. They are designed to enhance performance in offices and equipment rooms and are non-combustible. The manufacturers also claim they are solid, quiet, lightweight, have excellent grounding and electrical continuity, are interchangeable with other panel strengths and have great rolling and ultimate load performances.

Hope this info is something like what you're looking for. Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / A few Tasks: upper floor construction / Precast concrete upper floors [5]

(I'm posting each answer separately because we're having heavy rain here and the electricity keeps going out, eating my hard work!)

task 3. Active measures include devices such as fire alarm and detection systems or sprinklers that require either human intervention or automatic activation. They help control fire spread. Passive fire protection measures are built into the structural system. The builder's choice of building materials, the dimensions of building components, compartmentation, and fire protection materials effect the fire spread. They need to provide sufficient fire resistance to prevent loss of structural stability within a prescribed time period based on the building's occupancy and fire safety objectives. NIST has come up with a best practice guideline.

Compartmentation calls for specially constructed fire doors that are to be kept closed at all times to prevent smoke and fire from spreading and to provide a protected escape route. Fire dampers, fire glass and fire- and smoke-resistant walls also help contain damage.

Conventional methods of fire escape are an open iron stairway on the building's exterior or an enclosed fire- and smoke-proof stairway. The iron stairway is the most common for multi-storied buildings when height allows it. Fire-resistant escape chutes could be used for occupants of upper floors, although they are primarily designed as a backup measure. Occupancy of the building and the time it would take to evacuate everyone are considerations when determining which type of escape method to provide.

Essays / A few Tasks: upper floor construction / Precast concrete upper floors [5]

Greetings, Graham!

I've found some information that might help. From the top:

task 2. Precast concrete hollowcore plank combined with metal-stud framing can cost up to 20% less than a steel frame with cast-in-place concrete floors. Precast is faster and lighter. Costs can be cut by using the undersides of the planks as ceilings & just applying paint. The upper surface floors can be finished using a grout mix to smooth the joints & smooth out irregularities between the slabs. No special topping is needed. Precast planking gets a two-hour fire rating and high Sound Transmission Coefficient ratings as well.

Undergraduate / Academic Preparation, Open-Ended Response [2]

Greetings!

What great essays! I only have a few suggestions:

"Taking courses at College of San Mateo over the summer has not only taught me the basics of the business world and the uses of calculus in a real life situation; but has also inspired me to pursue a career in the business field."

Good sentence, but the semi-colon needs to be a comma.

"The initiative to take college classes while still in high school (not to mention over the summer) shows my determination and dedication to not only advance my own education but also to prepare me for college."

I made a couple of changes in this sentence (took out "in itself", added parentheses, took out comma).

"The experience would also give me enough insight into the possible educational paths to finally decide that business would be the choice of study that I would want to pursue in college."

"The experience also gave me . . . " makes the sentence more immediate.

"It was an experience that would demonstrate what I've learned thus far, how much I've taken advantage of my opportunities that have prepared me for college, and that I'm ready for college itself."

Again, it's better not to use "would"; just say "demonstrated."

"My most notable weaknesses are in the math, science, and foreign language subjects."

I would either say "weaknesses are in the subjects of math, . . . " or leave the sentence structured the way it is, but change "subjects" to "areas."

"I express my willingness and aspiration to makeup for my grades by going beyond the required course work for both high school graduation and UC admission in several subject areas including those where I struggle the most."

Insert a comma between "areas" and "including."

"Since my freshman year, I have taken a variety of challenging classes and although I do not perform well in all of them, I still pass the majority with exemplary grades."

Insert a comma after "classes."

"This habit of challenging myself shows that I am a motivated person who is eager to learn and press forward even though there are a few grades that would seem to suggest otherwise."

You need some sort of punctuation after "forward." A comma would do, but if it were me, I'd put a long dash. It's more--well, dashing!

Altogether, these are very good essays. It's always best to emphasize your best qualities, of course, but it's also wise to 'fess up to your shortcomings (especially when the people reading your essay are also reading your transcript). And you've done a good job of stating your intent to work hard and do better.

I hope these suggestions help. Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Green Team and Amnesty International' -Talent, experience, contribution - essay help [3]

Greetings, Veronica!

I like the way you structured your essay, like a story (being a writer, I would!). I'll try to answer each of your questions, not necessarily in the order you asked them:

"Is it clear my coach is talking to me?"

Yes, by the second sentence. However, I suggest you start the sentence with "The coach" instead of "He." I'm afraid that "He was looking into my eyes" kind of sounds like a romance novel. (Are you saying, "Eeeuuuwww!" yet?)

"I was planning to italicize the words in between the *...but should I?"

Yes, definitely. That is a common way to indicate internal dialogue.

"Is it clear that I'm even playing soccer?"

Not immediately. It could be any field sport. Maybe I should revise my above suggestion for the opening to "The soccer coach was looking into . . . " By the way, that sentence would be a little tighter if you put it into past tense: "My soccer coach looked into my eyes and said kindly, . . . " But it's up to you.

"Can you tell what personal quality I'm trying to illustrate? (I'm trying to show that I'm unconcerned as to what is "cool" and that everything I do is because I genuinely enjoy it.)"

Yeah, I get that. I think your story also indicates perseverance and an ability to roll with the punches.

"Can I even "contribute" those qualities?"

Absolutely! Those admissions people are looking for a variety of positive characteristics. Perseverance is one of them. You'll want to include some other strengths, too, though.

"Are my paragraph spilts ok?"

I think so.

"Thank you so much. Sorry I have so many questions, I'm just really stressed. :) "

No worries! I'm glad to help. I wish you the best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / SNOWBOARD+ CCD; Personal Statement: Montclair state university [2]

Greetings!

I know, sometimes it's hard to take an objective look at your own life; you're just too close!

What I think they're looking for is an idea of your character (are you willing to work, or are you a slacker--which, of course, you're not!). I recommend starting with your academic strengths. You can mention that you did well on the SATs, to show that was important to you and that you put effort into it. Tell them that you have a real interest in math, and you feel many paths are open to you. You might say that you feel college will give you an opportunity to explore the different career paths you might take. I'd put a positive spin on it--for instance, don't use the word "unsure," but instead concentrate on the possibilties you see ahead of you.

They will also want to know what you, as a student, will contribute to the university. If you are passionate about snowboarding and other sports, tell them so. If you have participated in competitions, tell them you will bring the same competitive spirit and enthusiasm to the university. You don't want to give them the impression, of course, that sports are all that interest you (that only works for football and basketball players ;-) ), but you can let them know that you want to be involved in activities on campus.

I hope this gives you a few ideas. You might try asking your friends and/or family what they think your strongest points are, too.

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / PhD economics grad app essay ; MY PERSONAL JOURNEY [2]

Greetings!

What a great essay! You didn't leave much for me to do, but for what it's worth:

"My experience as a store buyer at Whole Foods Market has also let to my own personal experimentations with consumer choice."

I think you meant "led" instead of "let." (Darn those typos!)

"Merchandising, product mix, special pricing, and current consumer trends: all these factors and more contribute to my daily "research" of consumer behavior."

You might consider using a long dash instead of a colon. I think it would make the sentence a little more smooth.

"I am consistently checking movement reports on which products sell and which do not, arranging and re-arranging shelves and product to maximize efficiency and sales while keeping within the company's standards of merchandising."

Did you mean "product" or "products" (the second one)?

"I am eagerly looking forward to more research opportunities and being able to apply theories in a more personal way as I feel it provides a connection to all the studying of theories and principles I've been doing the past four years."

I think you need a comma after "personal way."

Everything else seems just right. Your love of economics is obvious, and you state your case very well, with good examples. Do you intend to submit the same essay for both questions? I think it covers both topics, but I didn't know if the same people will read them both.

Good luck to you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Growing up Belmont, San Francisco' - undergraduate Essay [3]

Greetings!

I see you've made some changes. Here's what I would suggest:

"Growing up in Belmont, San Francisco with two younger brothers, my life was perfect."

Insert a comman after "San Francisco."

"Although I failed to appreciate and value my life, I was innocent and unaware of all the pain and suffering in the world, more closely, at home."

I think this needs a little rewriting. How about this: "Like most teenagers, I failed to appreciate how good my life was. I was innocent and unaware of all the pain and suffering in the world--or in my own home."

"I went to a catholic private school, Immaculate Heart of Mary, joined Girl Scouts as a Daisy, and was involved in gymnastics and ballet."

Just capitalize "Catholic."

"We had the warmth of family friends all around us in the perfect community; resembling the perfect life."

I suggest changing the last part of the sentence (after the semi-colon) to "life was good." That's very idiomatic.

"Oblivious to my family's financial problems, I refused to move to another city, especially one that was on the other side of home, Hong Kong."

A better idiomatic phrase would be "the other side of the world."

"Within a year and a half, my family moved to Shanghai for the same reason."

Insert a comma after "Shanghai."

"Over the course of those years, I have learned a lot mentally and socially."

Take out "have" and change "mentally" to "intellectually."

"The cities for one were similar in the way that it was urban and cosmopolitan. But the languages spoken were not the same and so were the lifestyles of locals."

I think your meaning would be more clear if you rewrote the sentence something like this: "Both cities were urban and cosmopolitan, but the languages were not the same, and the local lifestyles were different."

"I have learned much from living in both cities, learning to communicate with people, navigating my path to the destination, assimilating myself culturally into the various societies present."

This might be better as two sentences: "I have learned much from living in both cities. I have discovered how to communicate with people, how to navigate to unfamiliar destinations, and how to assimilate myself into various cultures."

"The experience in itself was a lesson for me to connect myself with my own ethnic background."

I suggest adding "in how to": ". . . a lesson for me in how to connect . . . "

"In the three years in Asia, I attended four different international schools, which was personally very dissimilar from a small private school in the states."

Change "which was personally" to "all of them" and capitalize "States."

"As I was socially more exposed to activities such as camp outs, sewing classes, clay-modeling, and such from getting an international schooling education, I was eager to make the same kind of friends that I made back at home."

How about: "My exposure to social activities such as camp outs, sewing classes and clay-modeling during my international education left me eager to make the same kind of friends that I had at home."

"Through many indescribable emotional pains of unsteadiness and uncertainty through these years, I have always unconsciously placed my social life as a first priority."

I think you might mean to say "Because of" the pain. Maybe: "Because of the indescribable emotional pain, unsteadiness and uncertainty of those years, I . . . "

"Most of my attention throughout my high school career was spent on extra-curricular activities than on academics."

Change "Most" to "More."

"Although it is a regular course, my intelligence is incomparable to its standards of concept and work. After many attempts of trying in after school and out of school workshop and tutoring, Physics is just an impossible course for me."

I know what you mean! I don't understand Physics, either. But you might reconsider telling that to the schools. Maybe you could tell them that you found it a challenging subject, and you are still working on grasping the concepts. (You'll probably need to take it college, you know.) <groan>

"Most of my time was invested into C-HIGH TV productions, resulting in my staying after school for hours ranging from 6 to 8:30 pm at night, and other activities I had outside of school."

Change "into" to "in." Insert a comma after "hours." Take out "at night," since p.m. already tells you that.

"This accumulation of time, I regret, was not spent on the proper priority, thus, as an example of this lack of time, AP US History, carried a failing grade."

Suggested change: ". . . the proper priority, and as a result AP US History carried a failing grade."

One question: is this the end of the essay? It explains the grades, but it doesn't say much about why you would be an asset to the schools considering you for admission. I'm sure there are many, many other strong points you can tell them about. You have overcome a lot in the last few years, and they need to know what a wonderful person you've turned out to be!

Good luck in everything you do!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay on bereavement - brief description of the bereaved child's grieving process [9]

Greetings!

I think the last sentence is a good conclusion already, since it sums up the challenge to the teacher and all the students. If anything, I would suggest expanding the part about the final stage of grieving. It's much shorter than the other stages.

If you still want to have a longer conclusion, you might try summing up (briefly) the information you've already included, then end with something like the sentence I mentioned above.

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'a science television show' - University of California Admissions Essay #2 [2]

Greetings!

Oh, there aren't that many errors! Just a few minor changes and your essay will be ready.

Here is what you have written, and what I suggest:

"The University of California has a long history of students who have a plethora of talents, experiences, contributions, and personal qualities that supplies the colleges with a well-rounded student body."

I love the word "plethora," but I think "wealth" would be more idiomatically correct here.

"Characteristics of a jock were something I didn't seem to have."

I would change this to: "I didn't have the characteristics of a jock." Or, if you want to be very idiomatic, you could say: "I was no jock."

"One day when I was watching a science television show, I began to be fascinated at how certain liquids would produce devastating solutions."

I see what you're getting at here, but you don't want the UC schools to think you have the slightest interest in blowing things up! Maybe "amazing" instead of "devastating"? You are the best judge of the point you want to make, but I would advise caution.

"Science is a big part of my life . . . " This needs to start a new paragraph.

"Every exam that I took, it would pleasure me because I loved chemistry dearly."

A better way to say this would be: "Every exam I took gave me great pleasure because I loved chemistry so much." Or you could say: ". . . because I enjoyed chemistry so much."

"Formulas, liquids, matter were parts of chemistry that enchanted me extremely."

You need to change the first part of the sentence: "Formulas, liquids and matter . . . " I also suggest rewording the last part: ". . . parts of chemistry I found fascinating." Or: ". . . parts of chemistry I found extremely interesting."

"Chemistry is an interest that I hope I will master and I will bring that excitement to the University of California."

It might be better to substitute "a subject" for "an interest." You also might consider whether you "hope" or "intend" to master it. ("Intend" implies that you are determined.) Either way, you need to insert a comma after "master."

That's all! These are really small matters (except the part about the "devastating solutions," which might worry them a little!). I hope you do very well with this essay and get into the university that you want the most!

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Reference Citation and Bibliography [8]

Oops, I almost forgot!

Use the hanging indent style for all entries. This means to indent (the standard is .5") on the 2nd and subsequent lines. Most word processing programs have a feature allowing you to format your paragraphs, with "hanging indent" as one of the choices. That's what I use.

Again, good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Reference Citation and Bibliography [8]

Greetings!

That's OK. I was pretty sure it must be APA, since your topics are scientific, but I had to check.

First of all, the APA format doesn't use the footnote style for citations; it calls for in-text citations instead. Footnotes are used for explanatory material. However, many instructors want their students to cite with footnotes, even if that's not strictly kosher. In that case, you have to wing it, since APA doesn't have rules for footnote citations. What I do is use the bibliographic APA format, just like you've done.

As to that format, you're very close to right. Your entries just need a little tweaking.

Here's your first one:

Suzuki, D. (August 18, 2006). Public doesn't understand global warming. Science Matters. Retrieved November 10, 2006, from, davidsuzuki.org

The author is done correctly, but you need to switch the order of the date: (2006, August 18).
Italicize Science Matters. Since this is an electronic source, you are right to include the date of retrieval, but you need to take out the comma after "2006" (and the one after "from," which I'm sure was an accident). The web address should be given in its entirety. What I usually do is go to the page I am citing and copy the whole address out of the window, then paste it on the entry. You'll need a period at the end of the entry (and all entries).

Now to the book:

Mckibben, B. The environmental issue from hell. In D. Spears (Ed.), Improving Reading Skills (pp. 349-355). City College, San Francisco.

Is the "k" in Mckibben supposed to be capitalized? (Just checking!) Everything is correct, with two exceptions: you need to italicize "Improving Reading Skills," and change the "," after the city of publication to ":".

Now the video:

Suzuki, D. (Director/Researcher), Walker, D (Producer). (1998). Nature of Things: Nuclear Power - The Hot Debate [video]. CBC Television

You left out the period after the producer's initial (oops!). Everything else is spot-on (except that final period).

As to the annotated bibliography section: the same rules as above, which means they look good to me!

In case you don't already have a source, a web site I use a lot for APA is:

owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/560/01

They also have a site for MLA.

Good luck with your research. You've done an excellent job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Reference Citation and Bibliography [8]

Greetings!

I would be happy to go over these for you, but first I need to know--were you asked to use APA style, or some other?

Let me know and I'll go over them (probably in the morning!)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Mass communication today' - University Ca Essays [5]

Wow! You and your family have certainly had some traumatic experiences. I hope things are better now.

I would strongly advise you to take out the part I placed in brackets. I am not sure that the events you describe should be made public. I can see how such revelations would affect you deeply; maybe you could describe them in more general terms (a serious business setback, or something like that). I understand that you want to convey the serious difficulties you have overcome, but I think that the people who read this might be uncomfortable knowing the details you described.

As to the question of explaining your grades . . . hmmm. Was it for different reasons than the ones you stated in your essay? If your grades are likely to have an effect on your admission status (and they probably are), I would listen to your counselor's advice. You may be able to make a smooth connection between the effects of moving overseas and the drop in your grades, even if moving wasn't the only factor. If length of the essay is a problem, I'd advise you to shorten the section on the different schools you attended. I am not sure that listing them by name and giving details about them is helpful. It might be enough to say you attended 5 schools in however many years it was, and what cities they were in (and include the country where Cerrito is located).

I hope these suggestions help. Best of luck to you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Mass communication today' - University Ca Essays [5]

Another well-written essay, although I did make a few more changes this time. See what you think.

Sarah, EssayForum.com