Scholarship / Mission 2025, I'm part of the crew on space - UWC Scholarship [9]

Tong, I would like you to consider some guide questions that I think can help you better outline your 10 year career plan in relation to the prompt.

1. Consider the major that you wish to pursue in college. Make sure that this is really the path you want to take for your future.

2. Look through the internet for possible higher career positions related to your chosen major. Make sure to add the keywords "within 10 years" so you can get more specific results.

3. From all the possible career options available to your related to your major, which one appeals to you the most? Delve further into information regarding the career path you have to take in order to achieve that position in 10 years (if possible).

4. Outline the information you have gathered then walk away from the list. Come back in a few hours of the next day.

5. Think about whether this is an ambition that you can honestly achieve for yourself in 10 years.

6. Draft the story of your first day on that job or any story that you feel will provide an insight into your character as a professional. Concentrate on how you feel about that accomplishment. In your story, you can mention it as the ultimate result of a driven career. The end result of this specific date for you should be a career related opportunity or reward that makes all of the efforts of the past decade worthwhile.

While the essay can actually be about anything you want to write about, you need to ground your story first on the reality of your ambitions, your interests in life, and how you think you can change the world or make further strides towards the development of your chosen profession within a short period (10 years) of time. I do not know why this date in particular was chosen for this prompt. All I know is that you need to make a remarkable personal or professional achievement in this area on that date. At the moment, your current essay is more useful in a creative writing class than in a college application. If your interests lie in space exploration, offer up a vision for something that you might be able to achieve in that field in 10 years. Say for example, making an international effort discovery about space that can help the earth as you work with the team on the international space station or something similar to that.

Writing Feedback / Space exploration requires vast sums of money. Justifiable? [2]

Rahul, your essay should be along the lines of a compare and contrast essay because the prompt asks you to consider if the money can be spent on better things. I did not see you offering an opinion regarding that in your opening statement. In fact, your opening statement is very weak because of the way you structured the paragraph. As a sample, it should be written in the following manner:

There is a debate regarding the value of space exploration due to the amount of money it takes to mount such programs. A sector of society believes that large sums of money should not be spent on space exploration because it does not give back any tangible service to the tax payer. Others believe that spending the money is justifiable because of the technology that is developed for the project and then re-purposed eventually for simple use in everyday life. I offer the opinion that the money spent on space exploration is wisely spent because it provides a benefit to man in the long run.

You need to clearly represent the prompt and your opinion in order to give a solid overview of what you will be discussing within the essay. There is no need to mention that you will be specifically discussing certain topics.

As far as the line of reasoning within this essay goes, there is a lack of reasoning on the part of the discussion pertaining to the unjustifiable amounts of money spent on space exploration. Remember that there are 2 sides to every issue and in order to have a valid argument, both sides need to be discussed. Insert a paragraph that supports the argument that space exploration is an unjustifiable offense. That line of reasoning is missing from your essay.

You cannot use your personal perspective as the concluding statement of your essay. Your personal perspective is actually a part of the discussion and should have its own stand alone paragraph discussing the reasons why you support the vast amounts of money spent on space exploration. Using the launch of the Indian satellite would work very well to support your personal point of view. So bring that reference up to that portion of your essay response to strengthen your pov. Then write a summary conclusion of the information and discussion you provided to conclude the essay.

Scholarship / How Do I write 6-80 character lines? Is this correct or too many words? Special circumstances essay [4]

Jasmine, you currently have 1107 characters in this essay. As the contributor pointed out, that is something that a simple word processing program can help you keep track of. If you want to be able to respond to this scholarship with the briefest statement possible, you will need to throw away the current version you have. It just won't work for you because you have too much going on within it. Too many topics presented is the main cause of your over the character limit presentation.

The best way to present your special financial circumstances would be to refocus the content of your essay towards the origin of this problem. That is the divorce of your parents. when you start with that and then work your grandparents immediately into the picture as the sole providers for your family due to your mother's mental illness, you already present the most salient points of your response. There is no need to get personal with your story due to the character limit. You need to make simple topic statements instead of trying to tell your life story.

Since you are not being asked to explain how moving to Austin will benefit your financial needs, I don't feel that there is a need to tell the reviewer that your father lives there. It does not really explain why your family cannot help you fund your college education. Rather it is a solution to your problem. A solution that is not required in the statement because it does not exist in the prompt. So removing that reference will definitely help you meet the character count. Remember, never offer information that is not asked for because the reviewer will not care about it. It will just be passing information for the reviewer.

Graduate / I am applying for a master degree scholarship and I need to write a self introduction. [18]

Rodolfo, as far as I can tell, your first paragraph is fine as it is. However, just like all paragraphs in an essay, it is subject to your personal approval. That said, if you are not confident in what you have written then you know that the paragraph you have written is weak. We are not here to pass judgement on what you want to say. We are here to help you make it better, stronger, and relevant to the requirements of the prompt.

Why don't you try to write a few versions of your introduction? Try various approaches. Perhaps vary the content of the first paragraph until you develop one that you feel confident enough to use in your introduction. Then you can post the version you like best here for our comments and / or suggestions. Can you tell us why you do not feel confident about the content of your first paragraph? Maybe we can help you with it.

If there is a portion of your first paragraph that I would suggest you delete to make it stronger, it would be the reference to high school. As i said, this being a masters degree scholarship application, the strength of your essay should lie in your professional accomplishment alone. Introduce yourself as an accomplished professional through your career achievements beginning with your first internship. Highlight the age that you got it in order to impress the reviewer and explain the accomplishment you made then. Impress the reviewer with your achievements.

Whatever you do, do not try to insert your girlfriend into the discussion because that will make your application for the scholarship seem self serving and based more in personal feelings / attachments than a desire for professional advancement. Try to take a day off from writing your essay. Don't read it for a day. Then come back and read it. See if you still feel the same way. Maybe after 24 hours you will know what it is you want to change or strengthen in your essay.

Undergraduate / Brandeis being a Jewish affiliated university, I felt that I being a Muslim would make me an outcast [9]

Will, while the story about your volunteer exploits have shown the reader that you have a soft heart and a natural talent for caring, I don't see how it connects to your decision to attend Brandeis. That connection should be made clear at the very start. Why not try to revise your opening statement with something along these lines to connect the Brandeis and your experience:

As I was reading up on Brandeis, I came to realize that this was the university for me. Although I am Muslim, I learned that we share a very strong vision with the Jewish faith through the vision of Brandeis that says : love thy stranger (Lev. 19:34). When I read that, I was reminded of the summer when I spent a week volunteering at an orphanage for the special needs children in Morroco.

By presenting that immediate reason for wanting to attend Brandeis, you then have more space and words to discuss the experience you had. By the way, I found an incomplete sentence in your first paragraph: Nonetheless after playing "hide and go seek", feeding and singing to the children with my mediocre lullabies. What happened after that? When you say nonetheless, it connotes a successful action taking place on your part despite obstacles. You may want to revise that sentence to better reflect your thoughts.

When you talk about love and faith, try to bring the essay full circle by connecting it with the vision, mission, or objectives of Brandeis. Remember they are asking you why you chose to attend the university, so the more passionate reasons you can provide, the stronger the connection you can make between Brandeis and your own vision for your future, the stronger your essay will be.

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

Writing the speech may just be the easiest method for you to attack this essay. It will only require you to assess what it is you want to say regarding saving Mt. Everest. Like i said, you set up the scene quickly then move on to the speech itself. Make sure to mention the date while you set up the scene.

For the scene, just mention you are at base camp for a specific reason (an award, participating in the clean up drive, etc.) If it is an award, try to imagine what the scene would be like at base camp and describe it. Limit yourself to 100 words minimum - 150 words maximum. Save the rest of the words for the speech itself. Quickly mention that the crowd has gathered to hear your speech in relation to receiving an award for saving Mt. Everest.

Once you get into the speech, you can mention when you first visited Mt. Everest, what it looked like at the time, how you felt seeing the destruction, and what drove you to start this protection drive. Mention what your original vision was for the project. Try to say that you surpassed the objectives (after all, you are being given an award for it) and that you have more plans for Environmental tourism in Mt. Everest.

Close the essay by saying something about the importance of saving Mt. Everest for future generations. Connect it to the survival of mankind if you can. Make a plea for cooperation in revitalizing and protecting Mt. Everest. Done. Finished. The speech will be complete :-)

I've already given you the guidelines for the speech. Please try to write it. I'll help you with it. Just stop being so defeatist in attitude and try. Really try to accomplish this. Put your heart into it. Ask for help from your friends, parents, and relatives if you need to. It can be done. Just persevere and you will get this done.

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

Jackie, make your closing statement your opening statement so that it becomes immediately clear to the reviewer that you are responding to the prompt. The essay you wrote is a very good draft and offers a lot of opportunities to approach your essay in various ways. I can tell that you made ample use of the links I provided to you. I hope you saw that if you know the correct keywords and don't give up on researching, you will eventually come to find what you are looking for. There isn't any information that you need that isn't on the internet. So, now we tackle the problem of meeting the 400 word count. There are 2 ways that you can approach this as far as I can tell.

The first way, is to use the information you learned about saving Mt. Everest in creating a speech that you delivered to the crowd that gathered at base camp that day. Use 100 words to set up the scene and 300 words for the speech. Just create a simple description of the base camp and then formulate a speech that talks about your company's plans to save Mt. Everest. Close the essay by saying that you carry the hope that your activity will be only the first step towards a world-wide consciousness that Mt. Everest needs to be preserved.

The second approach, is to cut out the speech part of the essay and instead portray yourself as a hands on leader who came to base camp with volunteers and representatives of your company to help in the scheduled clean up drive. Talk about the way your company sponsors the drive every year and then explain why this day in particular is very special to you. Maybe you can say that this day is special because you received an award as an environmentalist or something. That would also work for this essay and will be easier to represent in 400 words.

Choose the approach that you think will work best for you and then try to revise the essay to meet the suggested approach. You might also have another approach in mind for the essay that you would like to try. Go ahead and try your personal preference as well. I'll be here to assist you with your draft revisions. Keep the faith. You'll write this essay yet :-)

Graduate / I am applying for a master degree scholarship and I need to write a self introduction. [18]

Rodolfo, are you familiar with the acronym TMI ? It stands for Too Much Information. I think that mentioning that you have a Korean girlfriend falls under that category. Just as with any introduction, you should allow the person to get to know a little bit about you. Just a little bit, the important and relevant parts of your personality will be the basis of your friendship, relationship, and kinship with these people. The girlfriend, I do not believe that it is important that they find out about her at this point.

Let me clear though, you can introduce her later on to your closest classmates, the friends that you will be making. Let them know you have a Korean girlfriend. Keeping an air of mystery about you is important because you will eventually be getting to know your classmates as well. If you share everything about you now, what else will you have to share with them later on? Keep your personal life private for now.

If you want to add any information to this introduction, why not introduce your family instead? We don't know anything about your family background. Where does your father work? Is your mother a career woman? Do you have any siblings? Tell us a little about them. You know what parts of your personal background you should keep to yourself. Giving an overview of where you come from is useful in this case though. Mostly because it will help your classmates understand more about your person. If you want to share some of your favorite traditions or holidays, you can give a background of those as well.

Remember I am merely suggesting these other topics in place of your girlfriend. If you choose to include that information in your introduction, then that is what you want to do and I will not judge you for it :-)

Graduate / I am applying for a master degree scholarship and I need to write a self introduction. [18]

Much better Rodolfo, there are just a number of tweaks that you need to apply before we might be able to say that the paper is ready to be used. My notes will be showing you the corrections to be made. It is mostly grammatical in nature.

Since high school my professional field HAD ALWAYS BEEN CLEAR TO me,

learning how to code.

I DO NOT HAVE ANY REGRETS ABOUT SPENDING MY TIME LEARNING ABOUT COMPUTERS AND MATH...

this EARLY curiosity enabled me to start working AT AN EARLY AGE.



I STAYED IN TOUCH WITH MY PROFESSORS AND THEIR RESEARCH WORK LONG AFTER I GRADUATED.


- Where? Always inform the listener. You are introducing yourself so details are important.



experiences FOR my

I could feel that I HAD chosen the right career for me.

analyst really EARLY

I WAS always dedicated TO my academic background.

FOR instance

Science Without BORDERS

researchers WERE selected

AS A RESULT of my academic performance

my English, I was among those students

Please take note of the punctuation corrections I suggested. It helps to allow the reviewer to visually pause while reading so that the brain will have the chance to process the information he is receiving.

Undergraduate / The Statement explaining why I would want to attend the Oxford Summer School programme in 2016 [5]

At the moment Damitra, your statement sounds,dare I say, generic? There is really nothing that stands out about your interest in studying in the UK at this point. All of the information that you have placed in it is the same information that the other applicants will be submitting. You are applying to Oxford University, one of the most notable and historic universities in the world. Surely there is more to say about why you want to study at the university other than what you have right now.

I would not simply state that studying in the UK has always been a dream. Focus your statement on Oxford University. Look into the history of Oxford and find some personal connection to either the history, academic program, or summer internship experience that you can use as the opening sentence. If you plan to study Law in the future, talk about how you hope that your experience at Oxford will help you prepare for that eventuality.

After you establish the academic reason you want to attend Oxford, you should mention something about the Oxford summer school experience in terms of being able to interact with a school that has one of the most diverse student population in the planet. It is at this point that you can mention that you are "an optimistic and ambitious individual, wanting to seek new opportunities and explore new places, cultures and people.

Try to devise a way to revise your statement to reflect these topics so that you can strengthen your statement. I should help to remove the generic feel of the essay and show the reviewer how excited and interested you are in the Oxford experience.

Writing Feedback / There is nothing that technology can't reach - it make children less creative (toefl writing) [4]

Rubing, there are certain set instructions that you have to follow when writing a TOEFL practice essay. The first rule you have to remember is that you have to display a clear ability to understand the prompt by restating it in your own terms within the essay and then closing that introduction with your own point of view. In this case, that is whether you agree or disagree with the statement. Therefore, your opening statement should be something like this:

Past generations of children grew up reading books, playing sports, and engaging themselves in social and learning activities. The advent of technology has changed the way that children think about creativity. Therefore, there has been a change in the method by which they express themselves creatively. While some people have come to believe that technology has made children less creative than the previous generations, I believe that technology has only meant to allow them to express their creativity in a different manner.

The idea that you have about discussing the reasons why people cannot live without technology is nowhere near responding to the prompt that you were given. Refer to my above introduction sample for a more aligned sample of an opening response to the prompt. Due to the way that you set up your essay response, your second paragraph, though a bit responsive to the prompt, first deviated from the expected discussion then found its way back.

Sadly, none of your succeeding lines of reasoning managed to respond accurately to the prompt statement. Your response is choppy in the sense that you sometimes answer the prompt properly, other times you do not. One time that you responded to the prompt properly was when you said that

" The sophisticated way is to make full use of technologies ... "

That was a response that accurately responded to the prompt. So what you need to do is concentrate on proving that, contrary to popular belief, technology has only served to enhance the creativity of children through electronic based arts and similar creative projects that are software based. Forget about the "people cannot live without technology part" because you are supposed to be talking about children here. Not adults who can control their computer usage.

It is my opinion that you should review your essay response after you have had someone close to you explain the prompt question and how you might best respond to it. It will do you well to revise your essay by providing a better researched and more informed response to it.

Writing Feedback / Books or computers for learning? Most students who use technology are more engaged with their study [5]

There are a number of thesis suggestions that I can make for you based upon what I have read of your work so far. Obviously, the concentration of the thesis will always have to connect somehow to the differences in the educational system from the 20th to the 21st century. Since we are at a turning point in the educational system, it does become a bit difficult to find contrasting themes to deal with it. However, I have some ideas that you can consider such as:

1. It is the perception of students that it is much easier to learn in school in the 21st century that it was in the 20th century. With the advent of computerized education, students now have more access to information and can continue to learn even when outside of the classroom and school premises. Compare and contrast the learning process in the 20th century with the 21st century learning process (Technology vs. traditional learning processes)

2. Unlike in the 20th century, physical libraries can no longer provide the educational and research needs of students. Libraries have limited access to the latest information and books while the internet allows students to access up to the minute information regarding their school topics. Contrast the way libraries function when compared to how the internet allows easy and instant access to necessary information. (libraries vs. computer libraries)

3. Books offer a traditional way of learning and as such, contain traditional information for students to learn from. Ebooks can be edited and updated at any given time to reflect the newest information on a topic. Traditional books require a yearly publication of updates via edits and new editions. These slow down the information dissemination process for students. Compare and contrast the economic benefits and drawbacks of each. (Books vs. ebooks).

You can only use one of the thesis I provided to you for your discussion. There is no way you can summarize all of the points into one contrasting essay because you need to highlight, discuss, and develop a number of important points within your essay. That is why it is best to simply choose one thesis and work thoroughly on that discussion. hope these suggestions can help you. Feel free to use any of my suggestions or use these as a guide to developing your own original contrasting topic for your essay. Whatever you decide to do, we will be sure to help you develop your paper :-)

Undergraduate / Why I can't eat my waffles like pizza anymore [6]

Wow! This is a truly strong and well developed essay Hannah. What is the prompt you were trying to respond to? Was it about role models or influences in your life? Regardless of the prompt, I hope that you will be able to use the essay in one of your applications. I have to say that you have a talent for the written word and do not have a problem expressing yourself.

That said, I just have to mention that the essay would have (in my opinion) been even better had you presented a depiction of yourself prior the Rhonda's arrival in your life. While the slumber parties and kept mismatched socks towering in your basket are iinteresting, all it told us as readers, is that you had a pretty good, loving, cared for, and enviable life growing up. So when Rhonda starts mentioning things such as a child needing discipline, manners, etc., we are led to wonder "What did you do to provoke these comments from her?"

If you paint us a picture of why Rhonda thought you needed more discipline, aside from the fact that you cut your waffles like pizza, the reader will come away from your essay with an understanding of why you and Rhonda may be so much alike and yet so different. It also makes the influence and the role model aspect of her existence in your life much more interesting and understandable.

That said, I think that the only revision to be made to your essay lies in the beginning. Either the first paragraph of the first 2 paragraphs. That decision is up to you. If you opt not to change anything in the essay at this point, that would be acceptable too. Although, the essay at this point, is not as strong as I believe it can be with the integration of my aforementioned suggestions.

Scholarship / Rebel soldier. Close-mindedness - QuestBridge Additional Essay [4]

I wonder what the additional prompt you are answering is all about? Is it about the background story that is so essential to tell in order to completely picture you as a person? Well, I can tell you that if that is the prompt you are aiming to answer, then you have accomplished just that. At least that is my opinion of it. There are some aspects of the essay that can use a little bit more improvement or representation though.

If I were the reviewer, I would like to have heard more about how a non-religious, vegetarian female manages to survive in this kind of community. What kind of struggles did you face because of your unique personality? It is nice to read about how the racial divide is handled in the town but I believe that in these types of essays, you need to concentrate and focus more on your personality in relation to your background.

Maybe it would be good if you consider using your currently third and fourth paragraph as your first and second instead. Then you can just integrate mentions of your currently first two paragraphs into your succeeding statements. This would show an integrated background of yourself and the community you live in. Further portraying why your background is so important to the person you have become.

Your unique background is as timely as today's headlines (as they say), so you already catch your reviewers attention just by mentioning the name of your town. All that is left to make the essay center on you instead of the equal rights struggle in your community. That, is a discussion that will be covered (but should not be the center of the essay) as you tell your story. I hope you consider my comments seriously as you continue to draft your essay.

Writing Feedback / Books or computers for learning? Most students who use technology are more engaged with their study [5]

Isabella, I believe that your introduction could have a better thesis presented if you adjust your presentation. Rather than the current content that concentrates immediately on the way that technology has affected the educational system, you should first lay the foundation for your argument. You can present that foundation by first discussing the history of education based upon the reliance of books for information dissemination to the students. Explain the benefits that books provided during that period of development in educational processes.Then introduce the advent of ebooks and how it is slowly becoming the norm for information sharing among students. After clearing stating the content of the succeeding paragraphs in this manner, you can then present your thesis / opinion regarding the topic. Remember, you cannot just present your thesis, you need to make sure that you create the basis for the validity of your argument in your introduction. The rest of the paragraphs should discuss the topics / reasons you summarized in your introduction / thesis.

You have an excellent discussion going on in the second paragraph. I commend you for a very valid contrasting line of reasoning. You clearly depict the cost consideration concerns between books and ebooks for education. I use the term ebooks instead of computers because computers are not the source of information for today's students, it is merely the vessel by which the information is accessed. Therefore, instead of saying computers, I would like to suggest that you use the term ebooks instead. It is more appropriate a term for your contrast essay topic. To be clearer, students in the past stored their information from books in notebooks. So you could say that notebooks are the 20th century form of computers. The difference being that when a notebook fills up, you have to buy a new one in order to store more information. Something that almost does not exist for computer storage. Hmmm... that said, maybe you want to consider changing the prompt of your essay instead? I think we are on to something here :-)

In the paragraph of your essay pertaining to searching for information through keywords, you need to present the way that people used to search for information in the library using the Dewey Decimal System. Remember, in a contrast essay you always need to present 2 reasons or explanations. In this case, you need to show the convenience of internet searching as opposed to library searching.

As for your conclusion, you made the same mistake that most people do when they write their essay ending. You accidentally presented new information when what you should have been doing was wrapping your essay by simply reiterating your stand based upon already provided information in your essay. That is the only major adjustment that I see as necessary in your essay.

Graduate / Work and volunteering - Personal statement for Master of Public Administration/MPP applications [9]

Ben, as I read your first and second paragraphs, I came to the opinion that both paragraphs could actually be combined into one since both paragraphs, as they stand now, refer to your personal thoughts and observations of your mother community. By integrating the thoughts in the two paragraphs, you will come up with a stronger opening statement.

For your second paragraph, you don't really need to mention percentages in your essay. That is of no interest to the reviewer and does not have a direct bearing upon your personal side. Rather, mentioning the affluence that allows one to complete an education, something you struggled to do, would be a better approach to developing this portion. It would help highlight the reasons behind your decision to attend higher studies in this particular course.

I am really impressed by the early highlights of your career. One suggestion though, always mention the specific program and agency that you were able to help. Simply saying that you helped redesign one of the UK's higher access education programs, and being the chair of the board of trustees of an unnamed foundation or school is not enough. You need name recall in order to create an impression with the reviewer. So mentioning specific schools, agencies, and programs that you helped can only be good for you. Remember, there may be instances when your claims will be fact checked. So you need to be as specific as possible in order to help determine the validity of your claims and statements.

The rest of the essay is alright and quite informative. In fact, some parts of your essay, should you decide to revise or omit some parts, could very well work as a part of the accompanying Statement of Purpose within your application.

Graduate / I am applying for a master degree scholarship and I need to write a self introduction. [18]

Your introduction has certainly improved. lcturn87 made some very good points regarding the grammar corrections. The only problem that I have with your current introduction is that you seem to be trying to present way too much information within a single paragraph. I believe that rather than trying to add more information to your self introduction with succeeding paragraphs, what you should do is take each individual part of your introduction and develop that into separate paragraphs within your essay. Do you have a word limit on the essay? Would it be possible for you to do that? It would really be better to have a few fully developed paragraphs than just having an overview of various information about you.

I would also like to ask that you consider a new approach to your introduction. One that will be more fitting of an accomplished professional wishing to complete a degree in higher studies. I believe that revising the essay in a certain way will help you accomplish that and create a more interesting and informative self introduction for you. Please allow me to explain my idea to you.

Introduce yourself as the professional you are now. Highlight your current career accomplishments. Everyone else applying for this scholarships will be mentioning, not their glory days from the past, but rather, their current career accomplishments that will prove that they are worthy of a masters degree scholarship. Their past accomplishments will be a mere mention.For example, " I had an interest in computers all the way back in high, I parlayed that into my current career..." That would be the most that should be said for your early interest in computers. "I began my professional career with various internship and even got chosen by the Brazilian government for an exchange program in Canada. Yes, I am indeed one of the brightest technological minds in Brazil." Those two sentences will be enough of a self introduction to your early interest in computers and highlight the most important part of your college career.Consider that your competitors will introduce themselves as capable professionals at present with an ability to continue to develop themselves professionally and academically. Rarely will you find someone who applies for this scholarship based upon high school and college merits. So you need to introduce yourself at the same level of professionalism in order to better your chances for consideration as a scholar.

It really sounds like you are a highly accomplished individual. I do not doubt that you have lofty dreams and ambitions for your future. As a part of your self introduction, you should allow the reviewer to get to know that part of your personality. What is it about your future that is driving you towards this desire for higher education? Your self introduction should also serve to give the reviewer an overview of your statement of purpose.

Aside from your professional background, you should also try to highlight some personal qualities. After all, this is a self introduction so a paragraph about who you are outside of your interests in your career will give the reviewer a better idea of your well rounded personality. Try to balance the content of your essay between professional desire and personal traits. After all, studying is not all about academics, you need to show them that you also know how to have fun. If there is a way you can relate your personal side with your professional, that would also work. It would show your total commitment to your craft and allow the reader a glimpse into your other world.

I hope you will consider the suggestions I made. Your introduction is good. It just needs to be balanced, at least in my opinion.

Graduate / This is my SOP for Robotics and Industrial Automation [3]

Gagandeep, you did not write a statement of purpose, you wrote an autobiography. It is way too long to serve its purpose. Your statement was initially off to a good start. However, you got lost the minute you brought your family background into the picture. As a professional seeking higher studies, you do not need to fall back on the early influences of your career. You are already a professional with on the job experience. It is that experience that matters the most and what will impress the reviewer the most as well.

Try to cut down this essay for content. Concentrate on the most important aspects of your professional career that can call attention to your plans for your future after you complete your advanced studies. These should include:

1. The length of time that you have been working in your current position.
2. A description of your current job and how it relates to your desire for higher studies in this course.
3. Display your ability to relate your future career goals with the academic and practical training you will get from the university. Note any internships that you feel will enhance your chances at gaining the attention of the reviewer.

4. Make sure to note the reasons that you believe the university can support your current interests. Call their attention to any current research or study that you are conducting which will mesh well with your desire for advanced studies.

Don't write the SOP like a research paper. It really sounds like one at this point. It need not be so complex and repeat information that the reviewer already knows about the occupation, course, or future prospects of a successful graduate. Don't repeat the accomplishments of the school either. Just concentrate on the professional aspect and how you are one of their best bets for graduate studies.

Let's make a deal, you cut out the parts that you believe can be deleted to shorten the essay. Then post the new version here and I will give you a list of what else you can remove or revise in order to tighten the message of your essay. Will that work for you?

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

This essay is not based upon research. So you really won't find the correct ideas by researching. You need to dream of and imagine the solutions to the problem of Mt. Everest. If you insist on basing this upon reality, then do the following:

1. Research Mt. Everest and take note of the environmental problems the climbers are causing. The trash they leave, the destruction of the mountain from the base camp. Note anything and everything you find.

2. Read the information at this website martinedstrom/projects/saving-mount-everest/. That website deals specifically with the Mt. Everest problem and could give you ideas about the solutions that can be implemented.

I am sure that those websites can help you develop a connection between your ambition as a CEO and the world changing event for the day. Remember, I won't be writing the essay for you. Write something and I will help you polish it.

Look for ideas in the website that point to possible solutions that the CEO of a travel agency can actually help to accomplish. I have the confidence that you will finally be able to get yourself on track towards writing this essay. There is nothing more I can do for you short of writing the essay for you and you know I cannot and will not do that. This is your essay, your voice, your thoughts. Do your best to represent yourself in it. We will guide you towards that.

Writing Feedback / Salary imbalance between entertainment profession and profession like doctor and teacher. [3]

Protocol, I do not think you are very familiar with the salary that celebrities like actors, and professionals like doctors receive. These are two of the highest paid occupations in the world. Both jobs offer competitive salaries that allow them to enjoy a world of luxury and convenience. That said, I believe that you should not have mentioned "doctor" as one of the examples of a salary imbalance. However, comparing the salary of an actor and the salary of a teacher is alright since there is truly a discrepancy in the salaries that the two occupations pay out.

The only problem with that line of discussion is that the two occupations cannot be compared in terms of salary as there are no similarities between them. One, a teacher, is expected to educate the young and the other, the celebrity in the entertainment profession, is expected to do just that, entertain people. Whether they learn something or not from the entertainment is not the point. Therefore, it is quite difficult to justify your stand that the discrepancy in salary between these two occupations could result in a bad reflection of humans in our society.

The better argument in my opinion, would have been to compare and contrast the salary of doctors and celebrities instead because it the public view that both jobs require an expertise and are very hard to do. Thus the big salaries given to these people. However, even in that instance, there is no way that the discrepancy in salary could result in something negative for our society because the money these people earn is based upon their talent and expertise. That is what people are paid for and therefore, the amount of salary received doesn't really impact our society. People understand why certain jobs get paid more than others.

I suggest that you review your stand on the matter after considering my points for discussion then revise the essay as you deem fit. Remember, it is important to be able to accurately and properly argue your prompt topic based upon common knowledge and common sense. We can help you develop that aspect of your writing :-) Should you opt to revise your essay, we can then work on cleaning up the grammar and sentence structure issues that exist in the essay.

Graduate / I am applying for a master degree scholarship and I need to write a self introduction. [18]

Rodolfo, I'm glad I was able to help. Please don't try to place all of the information that you have at the start of your introduction. An effective introduction knows how to segue from one aspect of your personality to another. That means you start with the basic information then keep moving on until you paint a complete picture of your personality and professional interests. This is something that can be done over 5 paragraphs and 500 words. What is the word limit on your introduction?

Start off the essay by presenting your name and that your interest in math and computers have developed far beyond your high school interests. Jump to college and your academic achievements if any. Call attention to your any notable projects you created while in school. After that, create a transition sentence to your professional experience.

Start off the professional experience with the computers without borders experience in Canada. Explain how 2 years of study there only served to heighten your interest in the field. What were the important lessons you learned there that you took into your next workplace with you? How did the experience change your view of your field of expertise? Transition to your current job.

Discuss your current job requirements and how you have fulfilled these at a young age. Now, in the same paragraph, mention something that will support your desire for further studies abroad. End with the idea of wishing to go to Korea for this chapter of your academic training. At this point you are ready to concentrate on the Korean aspect of your introduction.

Explain why you have a keen interest in Korean technological advancement. Mention Samsung and LG if you can and the inventions that came out of Korea that are now part of our daily lives. Then explain how you believe that there is a lot more to learn about technology from the Koreans. Close the essay with a simple statement indicating that who you are is the combination of all these life experiences and that by going to school in Korea, you hope to come back and introduce a further evolved and much more exciting person who will have new ideas and concepts to present in the field of computers., etc.

This is just one approach you can take to writing your essay. I hope my ideas help you to further develop your introduction. I'm looking forward to reading it :-)

Undergraduate / Im not just a Dreamer......Ewha Womans University: Clothing and Textile department [4]

Miriam, since you posted the 5 common app prompts for your application, you need to let us know which one you are planning to answer here. It sounds like you are trying to answer all 5 prompts in one essay. I would not advice you to do that as the essay would become not only too long for the reviewer to read, but also result in a little developed essay that will not help your application. I suggest that you go back to the drawing board on this one. Pick the prompt that you feel you can best represent from your experiences and then work on developing that prompt alone. As far as I know each of these prompts carry a 500 word limit so I doubt that you were aiming to answer all of the prompts in one essay.

From the way I read your essay so far, you could answer either motivation, personal background, or significant experience. Opt for only 1 of the 3. Evaluate your own strengths and weaknesses. List them down in an outline for each prompt then decide which of the 3 shows your strongest attributes. Whichever ranks the highest should be the prompt that you respond to. Take your time in choosing the prompt you want to answer. You only get one shot at representing yourself on paper to the reviewer so make it count.

My opinion, based upon what you have already written so far, is that you might do well to concentrate solely on your motivation to pursue this particular career path. Your essay already shows your early interest in this field so try to highlight it. You don't need to go all the way back to discussing your infancy. Open the essay instead with the statement of watching your mother with a needle, thread, and fabric and how that had a significant impact upon your young mind. Then work on developing the supporting ideas for your motivation. That should make the essay quite informative.

Graduate / I am applying for a master degree scholarship and I need to write a self introduction. [18]

Rodolfo, I have a different take as to how you can further improve this self introduction. I do not know if you have already done it or not but I hope that my succeeding suggestions will further help you polish your essay. I would like, for starters, to draw your attention to what should be the focal point of your essay, the main point for your wishing to study in Korea.

As I reviewed your essay, you mentioned that you garnered work experience from an early age. This is one of the most interesting and informative aspects of your self introduction. Would it be possible for you to insert a paragraph covering this statement? If you can mention your work experience as a self-taught computer wizard, you will be introducing yourself as a determined person who has not allowed any obstacles such as a lack of formal education in a particular field, stop you from achieving what you want in terms of success.

I would avoid mentioning the exchange program if it does not have any relevance to the line of studies that you are seeking sponsorship for. Instead, portray yourself as a person who knows exactly where your future lies and how you plan on achieving that endgame. You can do this by presenting a career chart which outlines your plans for your future. Why would you do this in a self introduction instead of in a statement of purpose? Simply because you are applying for a scholarship and there are thousands of you applying for this grant. By showing the reviewer that you have a solid and definite plan for your future, you could convince them to give you the scholarship instead. Not everyone has a definite plan for their future when applying for a scholarship so if you do that, your introduction just might stand out from the pack.

As for highlighting your desire for sponsorship for education in Korea, I think you should mention some of the cutting edge technology that has come out for Korea over the past decade and then explain how you want to partake of intellectual sharing and the opportunity to learn how you can go home and further enhance the computer and tech world in your area using what you learned in Korea. Indicate some ways by which Korean breakthroughs have influenced your way of thinking regarding computers, math, and technology when possible.

I look forward to your next version of the introduction. I am sure we can help you further enhance and perfect the image that you want to portray on paper.

Writing Feedback / The appropriate punishment of children to teach right and wrong [4]

You forgot to mention in your opening statement that aside from learning about right and wrong, the reason punishments need to be given when children violate certain rules is because the parents need to teach children from an early age that every wrong action has an appropriate reaction or result. Punishing them for mistakes made accomplishes just that.

Diqon, in the second paragraph, you give a very bad example in support of your stand about punishment. No parent will punish a child for coming home late from school because of their lessons. Coming home late from school means the child was studying in the library and lost track of time. The better example would be if a child went out with their friends and came home past curfew from the mall. Or if the child is caught lying about the reason they came home from school. Remember, school activities are approved by the parents. So they won't easily get mad if the school activity is the reason the child came home late. In order to make an argumentative essay successful, your line of reasoning must be strong and solid. In this case, your reasoning is flawed and weak.

Then, regarding your line of reasoning with teachers, while I agree that children should be punished slightly for class lateness, a more effective line of reasoning here would be to explain that if a student is caught cheating on a test, be it major or minor, the student will be punished to teach him a lesson. Again, the line of appropriate repercussions for wrong actions comes into play.

You need an extra paragraph towards the end to add your voice of reason to the essay. Explain your agreement to the statement based upon lessons you learned from your punishment from parents. Devote a few lines, not less than 3 sentences, to explain how you believe that the future generation of children will only benefit from being punished by their parents and teachers for severe violations of certain rules.

As always though, your train of thought and line of reasoning can be understood. You just really need to present stronger supporting statements to assist in your discussion. Keep on practicing :-)

Undergraduate / Essay on my religion - my story. [6]

Josh, one of the first things that hit me while reading your essay is that you need to learn how to use periods in your sentences. There is no part in the earlier part of your essay where the reader can pause and take a breath. Reading the essay becomes almost marathon like and tiring for the reader. Kindly review your essay for punctuation use. The periods are just as important as the commas that you have on the page. While both signify a pause for the reader, the period actually lets the reader know to prepare for a new idea / sentence / paragraph. Right now, all your ideas in the essay are strewn together, making it difficult to understand.

Every essay paragraph is composed of a different topic for discussion. I see those topics represented in your essay however, without the paragraph breaks that represent the start of a new idea, you don't really manage to prepare the reader for the onslaught of your differing statements. Review the essay and separate your thoughts and comments into various paragraphs. This will not only lengthen the essay but also clarify the content and theme for the reader.

Next, regarding your spelling ability. Please turn on the spellchecker in your word program and use it. Never ever turn in an essay for review or final grade without double checking the word spacing, grammar and spelling. While there are truly portions of your grammar in the essay that need work and improvement, I am more concerned about the existence of text speak in your essay. Always spell out complete words in formal essays. You are not sending off a tweet to a bunch of your friends, you are asking your teacher to grade your intelligence and ability to express yourself in a coherent and professional manner. Right now, the existence of text speak in your essay could garner you a failing mark for this writing exercise.

I am guessing that you are not yet a high school or college level writer due to the simplicity of your writing style and response. This writing exercise is meant to develop your writing skills. I hope you take my advice seriously as you revise the content of your essay. Once we perfect the format of the essay, we can work on correcting the grammar issues related to sentence structure and similar problems. I look forward to reviewing your revised essay.

Graduate / Review/correct my SoP, I am applying for PhD in Petroleum Engineering [3]

You have a very acceptable statement of purpose. It shows a sense of professional drive and maturity that is often lacking in other sop's. I would like to comment on the earlier content of your essay though. You don't really need to represent when your interest in petroleum engineering began (high school). Rather, you should be concentrating on portraying how you see yourself helping to further improve the field through the completion of your higher studies. This can be done in a number of ways but you actually mention something that leads up to this very idea in your statement.

In the latter part of your essay you mention that you are interested in learning about the ways that oil and gas recovery can be enhanced. Try to develop a research plan for yourself based upon this interest. While there are many literature existing regarding this topic, you should let the reviewer know that you have some pretty solid plans for research and development in this field. If you had done any preliminary or partial research regarding the topic, that would be the best point to mention it in the essay.

I am suggesting that you should develop such a paragraph in your essay because that is the only aspect of interest that is somewhat weak (in my opinion) in this SOP. You need to highlight the fact that the university you have chosen actually has a program or study grants, or internship programs that align not only with your interests, but also with your plans for future career development. Remember, an SOP is all about showing how you have grown professionally and thus, require further academic learning, training, or development in order to achieve the next phase of your career plan.

If you can integrate some of the ideas that I have presented here within your essay, I would be more than happy to help you further revise and edit your content to make it even better than it is now :-)

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

Jackie, we understand your predicament. However, we are not a paid writing service so we cannot write the essay for you. I have armed you with the information that you can use to create a draft essay. Now get to work on writing the essay based upon the information you were given. Make the ideas I provided your own. Then provide us with the copy here so that we can help you edit, revise, and finalize the content of your essay. You said so yourself, you are applying late for the scholarship. So stop wasting time and start writing.

Outline the ideas that were provided to you then try to develop a story. You have seen the other samples on this forum, go ahead and get inspiration from them. Regardless of whether or not the essay depicts what you want to say, what is important is that you have examples to help you figure out what kind of essay you want to write and how you want to write it.

The draft is just the first step in developing your essay. You have already wasted so much time procrastinating in this thread. Your deadline is looming and I already told you we cannot write the essay for you. We can only review and advice you about the content and format. Nothing more, nothing less. You have more than enough information to help you at least find your way towards a decent draft.

With regards to your having bad writing skills and your inexperience when it comes to writing essays, I agree with Rich Monde, if you feel you cannot write the essay then by all means, hire a professional writing service so you can get the job done. Whatever you decide to do, we know the decision will be what you feel best suits your needs. Good luck.

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

This essay is not about a specific career plan. This is a whimsical approach to your future. Do not overthink it. Overthinking it is the reason you are trapped in a box and cannot find your way out. The only thing that you need to accomplish in this essay is the writing of a story of who and what you dream you can be in 10 years. it does not have to be realistic, represent a career plan, or even be grounded in reality. If you want to be very specific about who pays you, then the choice is yours. You are supposed to write this paper. I am not supposed to write it for you. I have already fed you enough information to get you more than started.

Try to think about certain aspects of the essay from your point of view. The essay needs to portray a part of your personality. Regardless of how fictional it is. You need to place some part of your personality within it. Who pays? You struck it extremely rich with your travel agency. You now own an international chain of environmentally friendly travel agencies. You are so rich that you can afford to bankroll this project yourself. Just like the Gates' and Zuckerberg's of this world.

Imagine something about yourself that will fit into an ultra rich profile. Ultra rich, that is who you will be in 10 years. A trillionaire philantropist who can afford to save the world. That sounds exactly like the personality you should portray. Why don't you try writing something original based upon my suggestions. See where your imagination takes you. You won't get anywhere with this essay if you do not at least try to write something. Stop fretting and worrying. Just write. Once you get started, things should easier for you.

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

Okay, I spent about 2 hours trying to think of a way to help you get around your mental block regarding this particular date. Here is what I have come up with. Please consider my suggestion very well. Use it as the basis of any other ideas that may come to your mind after you hear me out. Don't block me out. Just listen, consider, and develop.

You keep saying that you want to be a CEO and at the same time you want to travel and experience various cultures. So why not imagine yourself as the CEO of a travel and tourism company? This setting will allow you to explore your abilities as a CEO and allow you to travel and learn about other cultures. Imagine that for the past 10 years, you have traveled the world and conquered the tallest summit, Mt. Everest. Of all your travels, it was this sojourn that had the most impact upon you.

In reality, Mt. Everest is already being ravaged by mountain climbing tourism. It has been adversely affected by the unwarranted and ill planned climbs. The trash problem on the mountain is fast becoming a clear concern for many environmentalists. So this is my suggestion. Imagine yourself in 10 years, having previously conquered Everest and now, returning with representatives of your company and some other international environmental agencies, you are ready to do your part in saving one of the most important tourist sites in the world.

You will use the date at this point to mark that activity. All you have to do now is explain how as the CEO, you managed to develop an environmental plan that will help save the mountain by promoting tourism and the culture of the Himalayas ( I think that it where Everest is?). That is what will mark the date. The international press will be there, imagine what your announcement will be like. Will it be big and create an international event? Will you be receiving and environmental recognition for this accomplishment? What can happen?

This is just an idea to help guide you in considering the theme of your essay. At this point, you need to take what I am giving you and use it to develop your original idea. If you are truly lost, then use this theme and the guide questions I have provided. All you need to do is breath and keep your wits about you. I hope that I was able to help you at least get an idea as to how you can combine your ambition with your interest in travel and culture.

Best of luck!

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

I really don't understand why you can't come up with something for this. I mean, all you have to do is look around you for the perfect examples of successful business people who know how to be CEO's while helping the world. Look at Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, and Elon Musk as a few of the people who have successfully done what it is you want to do.

You can actually base your event upon any of the experiences of those people. Pretend you were in the position of one of those names. Pretend that you were in charge of a similar corporation. How would you change the world for the better? Would you build something? Create a breakthrough foundation? End world hunger? Create an unlimited source of power for 3rd world countries? What can you do?

All you have to do is this, think of the biggest dream you have ever had in life. One that you think you can never achieve. Then, think about what it would be like to achieve it in ten years. How would it occur? How would you react? Where would it take place? Fill in the blanks for that information and you have the premise for "how your day goes". Just use the date that the prompt provides for the specific day it happens.

Write something. No matter how unimaginable it is. Then post it here and we will help you develop it, make it sound more realistic, and then edit it so that you can use it for your application. Like I said before, there are no right or wrong answers, just your imagination of what that day will be like. Have a go at it. We will be here to support you :-)

Undergraduate / An experience that encompasses the meaning of diversity to you? NURSING PAPER FOR DENVER UNIVERSITY [2]

Jesse, opening your essay with a quotation is an excellent touch. It brings the topic immediately into the spotlight and delivers your idea regarding diversity. It also gives the reader an idea of what to expect in terms of discussion in the succeeding paragraphs. I would have liked to see a reference to the original speaker / person who made the statement that you are quoting. By adding the original source, you convey the character of a learned person who takes note of relevant information.

Word of advice, I know that you have smatterings of Spanish within the essay because you want to prove your diverse character / experience in life. That does not help your essay. You need to speak straight English in this instance. The reason? Imagine if your essay falls into the lap of a reviewer who isn't fluent in Spanish or does not have any idea of the meaning of Spanish words? You will successfully manage to irritate the reviewer which could detrimental to your application. Take my advice, in as much as America is a diverse country, it is still safer to speak English alone when applying to colleges and universities. I am of course, assuming that you are trying to gain enrollment in an American university? You are saying that you did not speak Spanish before coming to Bolivia, and that you are planning to return to the U.S. so I assume that English is your mother tongue ?

Why not try to portray yourself in a different manner? Rather than trying to impress the reviewer by the fact that you did what you could to travel to Bolivia in order to experience and learn about diversity, why not talk about the two aspects of your life that have created the diverse person that you are today? What I mean is, why not explain this unique experience of diversity in terms of the way that you successfully managed to combine the best of the Bolivian culture and society with the best of the American ways. The combination of the two can encompass the meaning of diversity to you while also delivering information about your unique character and traits. In other words, explain diversity as it exists within you. Maybe, just maybe, such an approach to the essay will help you better address the prompt.

Writing Feedback / The clothes indicate what kind of persons we are - IELTS TASK 2 [4]

Abraham, I sincerely wish that you would better present your introduction statements. Once again you have presented a confusing statement that, I am sure, makes sense in your native tongue, but you are having a problem translating to English.

In your first paragraph, you can remove the term 'word' in relation to 'proverb' in order to create the proper English sentence for it. It should read as " A proverb said 'do not judge a book by its cover.' " By the way, that is a very strong way to open the essay. It shows your point of view at the very start of the essay. You need to reword the rest of the essay to indicate that "While some believe that first impressions are created by clothes, and others believe that the brand of clothes dictate the financial worth of a person, I believe that the clothes do not truly indicate anything social or personal about the person wearing it."

In your second paragraph, you can do directly to your statement about celebrities and the way they dress. The first sentence in the paragraph becomes redundant because you are saying the same thing at the end of the paragraph. It is important to avoid repeating yourself because the sentences then become word fillers and do not really help to increase the confidence of your English thinking skills.

As for the third paragraph. Try not to mention any other sources of information if you cannot quote the source directly. It leaves a question regarding the validity of your argument when the reader cannot confirm the said information for themselves. With these types of essays, it is important to use personal experience as part of your justification process. That is because nobody can question a personal experience and it helps to show the examiner that you understand the prompt very well as you found a personal connection with the prompt and its supporting arguments.

Those are some of the thoughts that came to my mind as I reviewed your essay. I hope to take the comments constructively and use it to help you develop your English skills :-) You really have the potential to pass this test. We just need to clean up your grammar. You have the comprehension part in the bag :-) You already understand the prompt. You just need to be able to reconcile your mother tongue with the English translations.

Essays / How do I improve this sentence? - For a report on how the tourism industry is defined in Japan. [4]

David, the way I see it, you can approach this statement in 3 ways:

1. The report is meant to define the public definition of Tourism in Japan. This will be done explaining the way tourism is managed in Japan despite the challenges and issues the industry faces. A discussion centering on the possible solutions to the tourism problems will also be presented.

2. Japan has a particular way of defining tourism. This report will present that particular definition. Along with that, a discussion regarding the problems facing Japanese tourism will also be looked into accompanied by ideas as to how the problems could be solved through government intervention and public cooperation.

3. In order to understand the problems prevalent in Japan's tourism industry, we must first understand how Japan defines Tourism. This report will shed light on the Japanese understanding of the word 'tourism' and offer a look into the problems plaguing the industry. Towards the end of the report, suggestions will be made as to how these problems can be addressed and solved both through government policy and community action.

Maybe my 3 suggestions can help you develop your own method of creating a new sentence. Otherwise, feel free to use any of my suggested approaches if you wish :-)

Undergraduate / Step 1: Greet Friends, Step 2:... ignore everyone and glue eyes to phone. [3]

I have to say, you certainly picked a nice essay topic for the prompt. It is a very timely discussion and places the focus on something that most kids today do not have any idea is happening to them. There are a few changes that I would suggest you make to the essay though. I believe that by enacting these changes, the essay will become even more responsive to the prompt and impressive to the reviewer.

The first thing I would do is remove the outline of: Step 1, Step 2, Step 3. It does not help to move the essay forward and only take up important word count in the essay. Save those words for the actual essay instead. Trust me, you will need the word count for the next suggestion that I will be making. Instead of describing the typical start of class I would like you to shorten that part and instead, integrate another paragraph from your essay.

If you introduce the new person in school earlier in the essay, you will be able to tighten the content and bring the attention of the reader immediately to the them of the essay. My opening statement would be something along these lines:

One day, I came to school and was pleased to know that there was a new girl in our class.

Continue to mention the information about the girl like where she is from and most importantly, her observation about the student body being so quiet. At this point explain the school ruling on cellphone use and explain you did not use to mind it. Then go on to your observation of the campus. After that commentary, you can work on developing what I feel is the weak part of your essay.

What I feel your essay lacks is information about how you would change this situation as it exists o campus. This is also why I requested that you remove the outline at the beginning of the essay. Even though the essay just mentions that you talk about what you want to change and why, the unspoken question that should be answered towards the end of the essay is "How did you start to change this setting?" or "What do you think you can do to change it?" Those are 2 ideas that will show how you have long been considering the situation on campus and that you are a person who would do something to change a negative situation if given the chance.

The addition of that paragraph will definitely tighten the essay, make it more responsive, and definitely catch the attention of the reviewer. Please consider my suggestions and feel free to ask for more help or advice if you feel you need it. I'll be more than happy to help :-)

Writing Feedback / The personal and work-related challenges that young people face today - TOEFL Writing [2]

Taichi, you need to review your essay for content again. Once someone reads your essay it becomes pretty obvious that you did not understand the prompt requirements. Your response is definitely wrong and does not address the question posed in the correct manner. Let me try to explain to you what is being asked in the essay.

Basically, you know the world that we live in today. Life is easier because of gadgets and technology. These things did not exist during the time of our grandparents. We consider our lives easier today because of the technology. that helps us. When you hear the stories of your grandparents about their own lives when they were growing up and working, did you ever think that "Oh, they had a very hard time when they were growing up / working. I am lucky that I do not live in that world today." ? That Taichi, is the basis question of this essay.

The answer to the question is yes, the personal and work related challenges that we face today are very different from our grandparents and parents.Therefore you should be disagreeing with the statement provided. Life has become easier for us because everything is just a facebook, tweet, instagram, or skype message away. We are always in contact with our friends and relatives. We don't need to work so hard to do well in school because of the internet, etc. All of these things were the obstacles that stood on the path of the previous generations.

Considering the information I have given you above, don't you think that you argument now becomes weak? Reconsider your closing statement. Think about it very well and you will see that the work and personal challenges that faced our parents and grandparents are far removed and far different from the challenges the youth of today face.

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

Jackie, EssayForum is an open platform for free of charge academic support. We encourage the exchange of ideas between the participants at the forum. When you registered for our help here, you knew that you would be asked to advice other students regarding their own academic quandaries. Be it by research advice or helping to develop essay statements. That said, you are right, your paper can be Googled by others. That is what we want at this forum. That is the method by which we help others and grow our advising community.

What makes you think that anybody who reads your essay, even if you are applying for the same scholarship, would copy your idea? Maybe that person will use it as a reference point. He most certainly will not copy your content for you are two individuals with different personalities and therefore, different ideas as to how you would view that important day. Should he use your essay as the basis for his own essay, then you should be proud to have been able to help someone develop his essay. That you were the inspiration for that person's writing.

We are a helpful community at this forum. We do not think twice about helping those who need it. So we expect the same of others who participate in this forum. We base our activities around trust. Trust that because we help one another, we will not steal ideas or essays from one another. Since you feel uncomfortable doing that, perhaps you should look for a paid essay writing service instead.

Graduate / Review/correct my SOP, as I am applying for PHD Mechanical, from IIT, India [2]

Raghav, with over 900 words in your statement of purpose, it would appear that you have a lot to say about yourself. The problem is that you go all the way back to your childhood in referencing your aspirations as a professional. That is something that is unimportant to the reviewer at this point. An effective statement of purpose is far different from a college personal statement, which allows you to discuss influential events in your life from the day you were born. Once you reach the master level of studies, all of those childish dreams and aspirations , all of the college course mistakes are no longer considered a factor in your qualities as a potential student. The most important qualification? Who you are at present as a professional.

In order to understand your purpose for higher studies, you need to clearly explain where you stand in your current professional career and how you hope to parlay that into something new for yourself in the future by completing these higher studies. Your previous background as a tutor, the computer shop, all of these are irrelevant to your pursuit of master mechanical studies. What you need to do is relate your current profession, which hopefully has something to do with mechanical engineering with your desire for higher studies. How do the two interests combine in order to create a career path for you in the future?

What is important is that the statement reflect your reasons for higher studies and your plans for the future. How do you see these studies furthering your career? Where do you see yourself in 10 years? How does completing this degree help you achieve that? Most importantly, what can the university you are applying to offer you in terms of internships, scholarships, or study grants that you feel will be in your best interest? How do you plan on helping the university achieve a higher status as an academic institution during your time there?

Your statement of purpose needs to answer all of these questions, hopefully within 500 -700 words at the most. However, if the word limit for your paper is 1000 words, then the length of your response is correct at this point. Usually though, reviewers look for complete answers using less words because of all of the other statements that they have to read during a regular work day.

Again, my advice is that you reconsider the content of your paper and focus more on your current professional aspirations for your statement of purpose. At this point, the paper that you wrote feels more like a college personal statement than anything else. It is not at the level of importance and writing expertise that a reviewer would expect of a masters degree applicant.

Undergraduate / Born by chance - Life's Obstacles Essay [2]

Megan, first up, I would like to let you know that I am quite impressed with your story of survival as a premature baby. However, I do not believe that that particular story of your birth will be one that impresses the reviewer of your essay. The reason behind that opinion is that when reviewed in the context of a bump in the road or obstacle you had to overcome, there was really nothing in that story that spoke of your character. Being a helpless child, you survived because of the excellent medical care that you received from the doctors and hospital professionals. You were the recipient of their excellent skills and abilities. You survived or overcame this obstacle because of the efforts of other people. While I am pained by the picture you painted, it is not really a story that I feel directly responds to the first prompt requirement.

In order to properly address that bump in the road theme, you need to think of yourself during an age when you had the ability to overcome a hindrance in your life. Perhaps there was something that you wanted to do that you were prevented from doing but eventually succeeded in performing. Here is a thought: do you have a medical hindrance stemming from your premature birth that could perhaps be used to illustrate this instance? The idea being to portray yourself as having finally overcome an obstacle that stemmed from your birth. That would be quite impressive to learn about because it will be something that you personally had to learn to do in order to finally overcome that obstacle.

Now, regarding your fast-forward, I would not really mention the part about the drop in your family's financial abilities. It is a pretty common theme in these types of essays already and will not really impress the reader anymore. It is a tired topic. Rather than trying to discuss a host of your characteristics, I would like you to choose only one or two that you believe will best represent your ability to enhance the student community of the school. Remember, the best approach to this prompt would be to choose an excellent academic trait and then the best social trait that you can use to describe yourself. That way you show your ability to enhance both the academic and social aspects of university life. In order to make sure that you use the properties of your personality that will best impress the school, review their expectations of their students. Find out what they are looking for in a model student and make sure that you present yourself along those lines in your essay.

I have only one question for you at this point as it seems vague in the instructions. Will your word requirement be 500 words for both questions or for each question? If it is 500 words for both then you will need to prioritize which of the two questions will get most of the essay space or if they can be discussed within 250 words each. If it is per question, then develop each essay to the best point that you can. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Should same-sex marriage be legalized? Argumentative essay [2]

There is an imbalance in the way that you argued this essay Hung. When you write an argumentative essay, you have to follow a specific format. For example, for every pro discussion, there is a con discussion. All of your arguments point towards your strong support for the legalization of same sex marriage. In order to properly balance your line of reasoning, you should have ensured a discussion of the supporting and opposing side of each argument that you presented. By doing that, you allow the reader to come to his own conclusion regarding the matter based upon the information you provided.

For example, you mentioned that legalizing same-sex marriage will lessen the divorce and suicide rate. The evidence that you presented supports your discussion. However, there is a sector of society that believes that same-sex marriage increases the possibility of divorce and suicide for a number of reasons. You can research the information I am about to give you. With regards to divorce, allowing same-sex marriage often dissolves the traditional marriage that couples have. If one partner is gay and involved in a heterosexual family, legalizing same-sex marriage means that the gay partner can get out of the marriage through divorce and then marry his or her partner. This has a negative effect on the children from the straight marriage, sometimes resulting in the suicide of the child or children. There are psychological factors to consider so your discussion now becomes flawed. The only remedy will be to ensure that you accurately represent the supporting and opposing side of each argument.

I also need to point out that you cannot end your essay with a question. While you did present a concluding paragraph after the question, you left the reader hanging. Expecting you, as the writer, to give additional information prior to the wrap up statement. Rather than presenting the sentence as a question, you should re-frame it to sound like an opinion or a statement instead. You can only pose a question within an argumentative essay provided you plan to present some sort of response to it within the accompanying or immediately succeeding paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 - The clothes people wear are the most indication of what they are like [6]

Irfan, the first thing that I noticed upon reading your essay is that you forgot to discuss your point of view within the body of the essay. Sure you mention it in the introduction. That is not enough, you need to expand upon your discussion within the essay. Remember the following format when discussing an essay:

1. Introduction
2. Opposing side
3. Supporting side
4. Personal opinion
5. Conclusion.

5 paragraphs in total. You currently only have 4. Review the essay and you will see that your voice is missing in the discussion.

Now, to address the grammar issues. I'll be showing you the correct way of expressing your thoughts per paragraph. Please refer to the suggestions when you revise your essay.


Clothes are an essential accessory for the human body. People believe that these garments can reflect who a person is. While others believe the opposite. Their belief is that people cannot be judged based upon their clothing. My opinion, is that clothes play a role in an individuals life separate from the two arguments presented.


Clothes do not just protect the body from the harmful rays of the sun or coldness of the night. People these days consider fashion / clothes are an important part of who they are. Celebrities for one always dress well and wear the current fashion wherever they go. In return, their fans, who follow their fashion trends, imitate the celebrity style of dressing, thus ensuring that fashion becomes an integral part of society.


Yet there are some who do not believe that people need to wear impressive clothes. Rather, they believe that people should dress for comfort based upon the requirements of their job or activity. Farmers need to wear light clothes that absorb sweat while those who work in offices wear suit and always look neatly dressed. These two contrasting dress types show that people can actually tell a lot about people based upon the clothes they wear.

(At this point you should be inserting your personal point of view. You could revise the above paragraph to say "My opinion is that people do not need to wear impressive clothes. Instead they should wear...")


In conclusion, while there are some who may wish to judge people by what they wear, the reality is that nobody can distinguish the character of a person simply by the clothes they wear. (Add some information about your personal opinion to wrap up the essay).