Undergraduate / Despite the wide selection of universities, my choice was The American University in Cairo. [3]

Your first two paragraphs sound more like a brochure trying to sell the university than an insightful look into how you can benefit from the educational programs of AUC. You should focus your essay on your academic desires and goals which you feel the course curriculum or course offering of AUC can best address. Don't bother talking about the university reputation or achievements, the admissions officer already knows that. Don't waste his time with word fillers. Just get directly to the point, which are, the reasons that you feel AUC will be able to fulfill your academic goals. Do this by letting them know what it is about the Business Administration course that AUC offers that attracted you to apply for admission. Connect their programs with your idea for the perfect university and you will have answered the prompt quite well.

Undergraduate / University of Minnesota (Twin cities) Why am I applying for chemical engineering? [3]

Ngoc, the academic interest is somewhat represented in your statement, but the goals are missing. The problem, is that you spent most of the essay giving us the background of your interest in science and technology rather than just providing a direct answer to the questions asked. with 600 characters, you should have simply started off the essay with the direct reason for your interest in science which is the development of future chemical technology and the cultivating of current sci-tech ideas. Your goal, is to achieve this high level of understanding of the requirements of your future job through the academic exposure the University of Minnesota can provide you through their various classes, research labs, mentor programs, and internship programs. Research the university course offerings online via Google and YT. Note the academic programs that the students in the same major as you want to take are excited about and base your response upon your understanding of those activities / classes. Then you can develop your own line of reasoning as a statement response to this prompt.

Graduate / In 1999 we procured our first home computer and since then my fascination with computers begun [4]


- No. They do not mean the same thing and each essay serves a specific purpose. A personal statement is normally a method by which you highlight your skills as a employee or a student which can help your application stand out from the stack of applicants. While a statement of purpose, which is also known by other names (Application essay or Objectives for Graduate Study are some of those names), is meant to show your passion for the field you are working in or want to work in, your capacity for learning and intelligence, the ability to perform two hard tasks (working and studying) at 100 % capacity each time and thus able to properly address the challenges of higher level studies and your professional tasks, allowing you to complete the course on schedule, and that you have the capacity to actually make an important change or improvement to your current profession.


- That does not matter. What matters is that you are able to prove that you have some sort of relevant background pertinent to the course of study you are applying to. Otherwise, the admissions committee will not be able to help but wonder as to whether you have the academic capacity to understand and apply the lessons that you will be learning. Mention your little work experience in the IT field, it is practically required that you do so to prove a number of facts about yourself as a potential student.


- Definitely write these information in the second paragraph. Immediately after the hook / introductory paragraph.

I hope I was able to respond to your questions and clarify any doubts you might be having. Feel free to ask more questions if you need to :-)

Graduate / The first important challenge my generation should aware is the Energy Sustainability [9]

Hi Sisi, you came up with a good alternative to your previous paragraph. However, rather than referring to the global solutions to the problem, it would be a better touch to come up with some alternative solutions that the current generation can come up with. Practical solutions that show the foundation of possible sustainable energy sources. Recycling and waste management leading to the powering up of the nations would be a good touch. For example, you can explain how your generation has come up with cars that run on used vegetable oil. Then again that poses a new problem, where to get the massive amounts of used oil that can be processed for this purpose. Do you see where I am headed with that suggestion? From sustainable energy, I offered a solution, which then led to another all important problem related to sustainable energy. That is what we are looking to accomplish in your essay. It should be doable within the character count requirement. If you feel that you need help with that, let me know and I will come back with a template for you to use as a sample :-)

Graduate / In 1999 we procured our first home computer and since then my fascination with computers begun [4]

Namratha, you have presented an interesting academic biography, which does not necessarily translate into a statement of purpose. In fact, in this particular instance, what you wrote cannot be considered a statement of purpose. Maybe it can be considered a personal statement, but definitely not an SOP. There is too much unnecessary information in your essay pertaining to your academic background that takes the attention away from any purpose that you might have presented towards the end of your essay. Please remember that the purpose of your application must be placed at the beginning of the essay in order for it to become most effective in gaining the attention of the admissions officer. I can tell you right now that because you placed it at the very end of your essay, the admissions officer will not get to that part. You already lost his attention after your very long academic run down. Here are some tips to help you better revise this essay:

1. Although you do not come from an IT background, your line of work does have you working with computers, so tell the admissions officer how long (in years) you have been working in that field and what kind of computer or IT experience is involved with it. Immediately follow that statement with the purpose of your desire for higher studies (career advancement, employment opportunities, etc.)

2. A mere mention of your college major is in order. It need not be highly detailed as the concentration of the admissions procedure this time will be on your professional work experience. Inform the reader about any relevant training and seminars that you have attended that have direct connections with your chosen masters course in order to show a line of progression in terms of interest and necessity on your part.

3. Present your short and long term career goals, or any special projects you would like to work on while enrolled at the university. Then conclude the essay by explaining how the only recourse for you to achieve these goals will be to have the assistance of this particular university during your masters degree studies.

Developing your SOP is that simple. I hope that you can revise your essay based upon my suggestions and that you will be able to make it more prompt adherent in the process :-)

Undergraduate / After I graduate, I will go back to my country and assist my aunt in managing her company. [2]

Yang, please consider revising your essay to cover the prompt in a more proper manner. The essay is not asking you to discuss your plans after you graduate, it is asking you for the reasons that you decided to seek admission to the University of Albany. I do not believe it will do your essay any good to be saying that part of your decision making process was based upon the Youtube videos that you watched. It makes it seem like you did not consider the more serious aspects of college life when you put it across that way. You need to convince the admissions officers that you decided to try for admission because of the academic capacity of the university which you feel you will not be getting if you continue to stay on at Southeast Missouri State University. Consider this a statement that allows you outline the reasons why you want to switch universities. Discuss the academic and social benefits of UA when compared to your current university. More importantly, tell the admissions officer of your academic goals, what you hope to achieve upon graduation, that only UA can provide for you. That does not mean you should tell them about your plan to work for your aunt. The information you should present should pertain to your academic desire for learning in Accounting. Possibly naming some research project or mentor programs, maybe even possible internship assistance, that does not exist at the university you are currently enrolled in.

Graduate / The first important challenge my generation should aware is the Energy Sustainability [9]

It is my opinion that you should only discuss the problem of sustainable energy and it accompanying problems in order to provide the best insight possible into the problem that you have posed. By discussing related problems, you prove the key challenges that are facing your generation pertaining to this issue in particular. When you present two different issues, that do not have a direct connection to one another, you create a sudden topic change in the essay which would require an effective transition paragraph to prepare the reader for the coming topic change. When you deal with only one topic, with subtopics of problems related to it, you do not need to force a transition because that comes naturally in the flow of the discussion. Try to revise the essay in that manner and see if it will also flow naturally for you. I believe you will see the difference in the smoothness of the essay discussion once you try it :-)

Writing Feedback / Media should be allowed to publish information about the private life: Discuss two different views [2]

Okay, first up, you were being asked to only discuss 2 opinions in this essay, the pro and the con. Why did I read a personal opinion in there? It was not asked for and therefore, is not a necessary part of the essay. You unnecessarily extended the essay content when it should have simply been straight to the point and discussed from a bystander's point of view. The decision as to whether the media should be allowed to publish private information about celebrities should have been left as an open ended question that the readers could have decided for themselves based upon the discussion of the two differing points. It is because of that deviation, and some simple grammar errors that I will grade this essay a 7 out of 9. Now, to correct the grammar mistakes :-)


- According to formal grammar use rules it is acceptable to use an apostrophe without an S to show ownership when the name ends with an S. So the method by which you used the apostrophe in this instance is in error since you used the apostrophe to create a plural form for a word or ownership in a word that is already in plural form.

- ... for example, where they live...



You really are going apostrophe S happy in this essay :-) You will need to revise that due to the grammar rules I quoted above from grammarbook.com


- We should not forget...


- ... known as the...


- This isn't really needed in this essay. Your opinion is not being asked for.

Undergraduate / College Vs Career in Music: Why TRANSFER? [2]

There is information in your essay that should not be there at the moment. Trivia about the connection between hip hop and reggae music is not really necessary and only makes the essay longer, but not more informative about the reasons why you want to transfer schools. Omitting that unnecessary information will tighten the essay and highlight the reasons you want to transfer instead. Just be very specific. Explain how you find yourself unfulfilled in your current course and that you are constantly being drawn into the world of music, even though you know that a future in the music industry would be hard to achieve these days. Your essay will be best served if you can explain the reason you are dissatisfied with your current course so that you will have a strong reason for wishing to shift courses and universities. In its current form, the essay is a bit long and does not always answer the prompt requirements. A little editing of the content that you wrote should help fix that problem :-)

Undergraduate / My dad met with an accidents; Cornell/ Related experiences influenced my major [2]

Overall an effective essay in the sense that it clearly states the life experiences that you have head which have led to your interest in life sciences. There is a redundancy in your first 2 paragraphs as you use the term "on account of" multiple times. Try using other terms that mean the same thing to avoid repetition. For example, you could say that your father almost lost his legs "due to" his multiple injuries. The later portion that deals with your Christian faith in comparison to scientific learning is not really needed in this essay. It deviated the essay from the prompt provided and changed the direction of the middle part of your writing. Rather than discussing science and religion, just go directly to how you used a microscope as a child. That is the part of the essay that brought the essay back into alignment with the prompt requirements anyway. The essay has a very strong finish that works well as a conclusion to the provided prompt.

Writing Feedback / Piano, my source of motivation - Umich/ Extracurricular CommonApp Essay [2]

Yes, you should make applause italics in the middle of the paragraph. It signifies that the action is not a part of the text. It is a symbol of imagination and tells the reader it is happening in your mind. While the statement that you wrote is a good description of the activity and who you are, the reason as to why you would continue to do this activity well into and beyond your college years is not reflected in the essay. You need to provide that sort of explanation within 100 words in order to accurately address the prompt. Don't forget, the question is asking you why you think you will continue to do this. It is not enough to say that this has been a part of your life for 13 years. Nor is is sufficient to say that you are a musician. Reflect upon the benefits that you gain from playing the piano and performing in public (if you do so) and then use that as the basis for your "why" explanation. At this point, you just need to complete your explanation and expand on the parts I pointed out in order to create a more effective response.

Graduate / The first important challenge my generation should aware is the Energy Sustainability [9]

Sisi, it is admirable that you recognize two problems in particular that your generation needs to learn to deal with. However, it would better benefit your essay if you chose to fully develop and discuss only one problem. That will give you the leeway to offer a clear insight and offer solutions to the problem without having to shortchange the reader by suddenly changing gears midstream in order to discuss a new topic. In my opinion, you should discuss energy sustainability instead of the economic crisis. Mostly because as individuals, we can actually do something to effect change in the realm of energy production and environmental compliance whereas the economics of the world has been an infinite problem for man, without a possible solution in sight. Some grammar errors for you to note though:


- ... should be aware of is Energy...


-... pollution is the main cause of global...


-... is defined by some economists...
I included the economic crisis in my revisions to note even though I am advising you not to use it in your essay because you may decide to still go with this version. Good luck with your revision :-)

Writing Feedback / Weddings in Vietnam and America - two different ways to celebrate it [2]

Lin, I am not sure where you got your ideas about how the American wedding is celebrated but there are a number of wrong assumptions on your part about the ceremonies. To begin with, not all American weddings are religious in nature nor held in Church. Americans are not highly religious people so making the assumption that all Americans believe in God is flawed. Do not make generalized statements about people without truly looking into the background of the event or situation you are discussing. It is not uncommon for Americans to have civil weddings in a garden setting, or more recently, have a wedding weekend, where the celebrations take place over a number of days. You need to revise that part of your essay to be more reflective of the actual American culture in comparison to that of the Vietnamese culture when it comes to weddings.

Letters / Making a cover letter for summer internship in finance - someone with some experience? [25]

No, do not speak of any childhood interests or ambitions. Listen, you are mistaking a cover letter for a common app essay for college. You are not trying to get into college, you are trying to get an unpaid job at a company in exchange for work experience. Those are two different areas of study. One is formal and academic, the other, formal and professional. They have no interest in your childhood dreams, hopes, and ambitions. Do not change the letter. It is really usable as it is. The more you overthink it, the more you try to revise it, the worse your letter will eventually become. Just deliver the facts that they need to gain an interest in considering your other documents, that is all the letter is for. Nothing more, nothing less. As for applying to companies that do not have open internships, do not bother to send an application, they get thousands of unsolicited application letters for closed positions on a daily basis. Those letters end up in one of two places, a drawer for "future consideration" or in the "trash", Neither of which is a good place for an application you worked hard upon. Your letter will just end up at the bottom of the pile and be all but forgotten. Don't send unsolicited application letters. It does not do anything except give you a sense of frustration.

Writing Feedback / Essay on being unique - Everybody is unique in their own way. [4]

Ronnie, don't say "I think I am unique". In these sorts of statements, you need to present an air of confidence and ability. So say "I am unique because..." Being unique should not be something that you think about, it should just be something that you are. The narrative that you wrote does not really explain any unique aspect of your personality or traits, which is what the normal response to this essay is. What you gave instead is a description of who you are, where you live, and what you are in life. Not exactly the description of what sets you apart, or makes you unique when compared to everyone else. I suggest that you do some soul searching before you revise your response. Try to think of reasons that you feel different from everyone else in a special way, maybe it is the way you treat other people, or the way you care for your family, maybe it is because you are the only person who can understand the way you think. Whatever the reason, it needs to make you stand out from the crowd. Be different. Find that difference in your personality and build it up in a manner that makes you seem unique from everyone else :-)

Graduate / Epidemiology of chronic and infectious diseases - paragraph from my Public Health Personal Statment [2]

Hi Sam, here is my suggested improvement for your paragraph. I hope it helps :-)

Some people may ask what kind of satisfaction I get from working in the health sector. My answer is always that I gain answers to my questions about the epidemiology of chronic and infectious diseases. It is through the studies and research in this field that I will be able to conduct research and surveillance in the field communicable diseases and outbreak control, including communicable disease prevention. Through this research in intend to uncover the facts behind why some people are more susceptible to disease than others even when they exposed to the same environmental conditions and infectious agents. What are the factors that predispose people to certain illnesses? Does it have anything to do with their socio-economic status, immigration, or nutrition? I am looking forward to bringing those answers and more to light.

Undergraduate / Youths against Racism Conference. I decided to be the answer to the problem. [2]

JJ, what prompt are you trying to respond to with this statement? It would help me get a better idea of where you are supposed to be headed response wise if you could let me know the question or experience you are being asked to share in the essay. In the meantime, here are some parts that I feel can be corrected at the moment:


- took on the immense...


- While our committees relied on each other functionally, there was a complete lack of communication which prevented any impactful decision making on both parts.

. I started attending everyother committee meetings, which were held on different dates, and became a spokesperson for all the committees.

An incredible amount of dedication and effort was put to become the universal team member whose presence was crucial to the progress of each committee.

- I placed an incredible amount of dedication and effort in order to become...



- and broke through my...
I look forward to the additions you will be making. I hope my advice helps :-)

Letters / Making a cover letter for summer internship in finance - someone with some experience? [25]

In my honest opinion, I believe that this current version of your cover letter works very well with the exception of one part. In the portion where you say you worked with a particular company, I would like you to mention the name of the company in order to create a notable piece of information about you in the letter. By doing that, you will be able to inform the human resources person that you may very well be an excellent candidate for this internship. Like I said, the cover letter should only contain a summary of the most important information about you. That includes and notable company or work experience that you have. I think that is the only addition left that is required to make the letter ready to use. It is concise, delivers your interest in the position, and closes with an offer to continue the discussion of your potential internship in a formal environment. That all works for your letter at this point. There is nothing more to add aside from the company name :-)

Writing Feedback / Gem cannot be polished nor man perfected [3]

You only have 293 words so you need to add 7 more words in order to meet the minimum word count. While you gave us the topic of your paper, we don't know what the purpose of the paper is so it is kind of difficult to review your paper for content but I will try to offer you some opinions or corrections that will hopefully, help you to further improve this paper.

One problem that I noticed with your essay is that you start off your introduction immediately with the polishing process. There is no statement of the subject, prompt, or basis of the paper. So the reader comes to the essay definitely confused from the very start. The way you have the essay set up right now makes it sound like you are starting the paper in the middle. I suggest that you create a more effective introduction for your paper. Easing the readers into the actual purpose of the paper, before you start off the polishing process.

Learn to create and use transition sentences and paragraphs so that your essay does not abruptly change topic and direction. It is important that you prepare the reader for a change in purpose for the next paragraph so that they will know to expect a redirection of the essay in the next paragraph. Right now, the essay is filled with abrupt changes in topic that really makes the reader wonder what it is he is really reading about.

If you apply the changes that I am suggesting to your essay, you are sure to go over the 300 word limit and maybe, just maybe come in just under the 400 maximum word count.

Letters / Making a cover letter for summer internship in finance - someone with some experience? [25]

I am not sure what you mean by


. Are you sure you don't mean "I know what you mean?" What you said does not make any sense to me. Why don't you post your revised essay at the moment so we can study it for potential changes or additions? You don't really need to compliment the work ethic or character of the company that you are applying to. That is something that is considered a suck up and will not help your application. There is no sense in telling them something or things that they already know about their company, work ethic, and the like. If those things appeal to you about the company internship program then find another, more creative way to say it. Personally, I believe that what you want to add to the cover letter is overkill. However, if you really want to add it to the paper and you believe it will help your application, then go ahead and add it. I'll help you fit it into the letter.

Graduate / Why I Choose Georgia Tech to study chemical Engineering essay [12]

I revised your essay a bit to make it more prompt adherent . Here is what I came up with:

Coming from a country where female empowerment is not widely promoted and recognized, I became immediately interested in the Women in Engineering program of Georgia Tech. Becoming a female engineer in my home country is a dream of mine and I believe that Georgia Tech will be able to help me achieve that dream by empowering me for a future that places me on the same level as my male engineer counterparts. By allowing me an opportunity to develop my potential as a female engineer, I will be able to return to my homeland and prove to the women that we too have the potential to succeed in the field. I hope that the support of the WIE program will allow me the opportunity to leave my mark in this male dominated field in the near future.

The essay works better now but it still lacks a response to the prompt part asking you what it is you can contribute to the Georgia Tech community either as a academic student or a member of the student community.

Undergraduate / If you're going to survive in this world, you need to love something, and work hard at it [2]

I would not change anything content wise Kingsley. The essay really responds very well to the prompt. If I were to remove a part though, it would be what stands now as your opening statement. It is not as strong and informative as the current second paragraph. The hook that your essay needs to interest the admissions officer is clearly stated and read about in the second paragraph so I would not waste is by placing it where it is now when it can be placed in a pole position that can help your essay content wise. By the way, please capitalize the major and minor courses and subjects that you plan to major in not only because those are proper nouns, but because you want to call attention to those sentences in particular since it contains vital information for your essay. Now for a few grammatical suggestions :-)



- Philosophy of the Mind...


Those are the only changes that need to be made as far as I can tell.

Letters / Making a cover letter for summer internship in finance - someone with some experience? [25]

Listen, an intern needs to have at least a working knowledge of various word processing programs. In your case, a simple knowledge, understanding, and skill in using various finance and accounting programs will also come in handy. So regardless of how little your expertise is in the use of those programs, I strongly suggest that you mention them as part of your office work skills. As for your book, I do not really see how it will be integral to the cover letter since you are not applying to be an intern at a book publishing house. So I would not really opt to mention it in the cover letter. The cover letter should only concentrate on the salient points of your submitted documents. Highlight your qualifications as a worker in bullet form. You can mention the company that sponsored your start up and the skills, skills not lessons, that you learned or acquired during that time. Again, do it in bullet format. This is not supposed to be very long not over informative. You need to rely mostly on the documents that you submitted for the strength of your internship application. The cover letter does not carry any weight at all. It is only a summary of the contents of your other documentations. It need not be over informative. Just concentrate on a summary of the points that you wish to highlight in your application, but not in great detail. this should not be longer than 5 paragraphs of 5 sentences maximum per paragraph. Any longer and you will be writing an essay instead of a letter.

Graduate / Follow your passion, be prepared to work hard and sacrifice, and don't let anyone limit your dreams [3]

With 3 years work experience in the field of Petroleum Engineering, you do not need to fall back on your previous college background or other earlier academic accomplishments to write your statement of purpose. The primary requirement of a masters degree student is that you have been working for at least a year in your current position or profession due to some very specific requirements from the universities. The admissions officers want to make sure that you will be able to perform at the higher level of education that this type of study requires so more attention must be paid to your professional rather than previous academic achievements. Please note the following required information that is sure to create the best statement of purpose essay for your graduate studies:

1. What is your current work position and how long have you been working in this field?
2. What are the primary reasons that you feel compelled to pursue higher studies? (career advancement, additional training, etc.)
3. Offer a short review of your college background. Do not go into great detail about it as it is not tremendously important to your statement of purpose. Instead, offer a detailed listing of your most recent seminars and training attended, what you learned, and how you hope that your advanced studies will further help you hone those work acquired skills.

4. Explain how your experience at this university will help you further your knowledge and skills. Mention any mentor programs, internships, or employment opportunities that the university can offer you which you know will help you achieve your short and long term career goals, which you will also mention in a brief form.

These are the necessary components for a successful statement of purpose. Just revise your essay to cover these parameters and you should be all set to submit your SOP :-)

Undergraduate / Chemistry sparked my first friendship - Johns Hopkins University essay [6]

Okay, the essay itself is quite long when it does not need to be. Consider shortening the essay by presenting the fact that you love science and one of the extra curricular activities that you engage in is tutoring. Then you can use the sample of tutoring Casey, but cut to the chase and tell the reader immediately about the problem that you had in explaining the lesson to her. Jump to the solution you found and that Casey passed the exam. Now, use that as your jumping off point to explain how you look forward to continuing your tutoring activity at JHU. If there is an organization at the university that volunteers to tutor the students then tell the admissions officer that you are looking forward to joining it. If there is none, then tell them that you look forward to starting a tutoring club or maybe, spending your time volunteering at the student center to help other students. Your essay lacks that explanation. We need to read how you plan to continue to grow that extra curricular activity of yours while you are studying at JHU. After all, the prompt asks you to explain


. So don't be afraid to explain how you plan to do it. Develop that explanation more than your back story about the tutoring. It is more important to your essay response.

Writing Feedback / Women should stay at home and raise children: Do you agree or disagree [4]


Be factual in your statements. The fact that men and women have been recognized as having different responsibilities has not just been for years, but for centuries. Historically speaking,the role of men and women have been detailed since the time of the cavemen. There are records to prove that claim. Aside from that correction, you make a good point in your introduction.


- This is a flawed argument that requires a secondary paragraph. While it is important that women have careers these days, most educators believe that because mothers spend too much time at work and not enough with their children, that the quality of education outside of the school suffers. Remember how sociologists sometimes point out that women are the primary teachers of their children and by having them work outside of the home, they are unable to properly fulfill their motherly duties comprised of teaching the children social skills, basic reading, and etiquette. Reference that discussion in this paragraph if you can.


- Again, what about the side that believes that a mother's social life is intertwined with the activities of their children? These are places where mothers can socialize while their own children play together.

Good discussion. But I think you totally missed the main point of the prompt which is


Where in your essay does it become clear that the government should or should not support housewives and mother's financially? I read the essay twice and I do not believe I came across the reason either times.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Paying for clothes, haircuts and beauty products - just to enhance own appearence? [3]

The first problem with your essay is that you did not use the proper punctuation marks. You have commas where you should have periods, which leads to very confusing sentences as the thought process become interconnected instead of individualized. Causing confusion for the reader as the topics move from one to another continuously. You also have a problem with the way you use capital letters in your essay. The first word of every sentence after a period is always capitalized. The word that comes after a comma is not capitalized. Let me show a sample of these problems below:


This should have instead been written this way:
In the 21st century, the appearance of a person does matter. How much it costs for the person to look that way also matters. The appearance of a person shows his attitude, elegance, and nature. Everyone always wants to look better, and they will not hesitate to spend to achieve that look. In the era when hunger and poverty prevails, it is understandable why spending extra on appearance becomes a questionable and debatable matter.

Please be mindful of your punctuation marks, spelling, and capitalization usage. The reason your essay scored poorly is not based upon the content of what you wrote, what you wrote are pretty solid reasons. The problem, is that you were careless in the way you formatted and wrote the essay. Try to revise the essay using more care in the way you format and write your thoughts then post it here again. We can work with you on properly writing this paper if you are willing to rework it.

Research Papers / What factors led to Ethiopia's victory against Italy during the 1896 Battle of Adwa? [3]

This is a very detailed and highly informative research paper on the 1896 Battle of Adwa. While you discussed the military movements in a manner that presents a vivid picture of the battle, I believe that in order to become more factual research, you should look into the two sides that participated in the battle and the reasons one party succeeded and the other party was defeated. Having written this type of paper before, I have come to realize that the professors mostly look for a comparative analysis based on factually researched data on the battle. Presenting a simple history of the characters involved and various scholarly and public opinions, cited in the proper format, often leads the researcher into more detailed discussions that offer a much more developed paper. While your paper is solid in terms of why they won, it would be nice to read about the mistakes made by the other side that led to their defeat. This type of content would give the paper a more balanced point of view and prove the depth of research and review that you embarked upon to complete the paper. Which in turn may also raise the grade on the final paper.

Undergraduate / I was born in Toronto Canada, into a very troubled and unfortunate family; reasons for transferring [4]

Since you have now made it clear that you are trying to transfer to another university from your community college, I can tell you that you need to revise your personal statement and write it on a less than personal level. Transfer essays do not need to mention your autobiography. There is no need to get that personal. Instead, you should be concentrating your essay solely on the academic reasons for your transfer such as your desire to complete a 4 year version of your community college course in order to gain better employment opportunities or academic training, a need to prove that you can complete a degree course, or even some personal reasons such as having been plagued by family problems in the past that forced you to opt for a 2 year college course temporarily. Of course these are just some unsolicited advice that I would like to share with you. You can opt to not listen to my advice if you want to go with what you have currently written :-) I apologize for not delivering the kind of review you expected. You did not clearly state that you just wanted a grammar review at the start. Had I known, I would have only offered that sort of advice to you :-) I bet someone else here will want to do that for you. I'll refrain from offering you any more advice after this message :-)

Essays / The two primary crime data sources used in the United States - comparison. [3]

Tiffany, I am not sure what kind of help you expect us to give you with regards to your report. We do not do the actual essay writing or research for you here. We are just volunteers who give you an opinion of the paper that you wrote. We offer free revision, review, and editing help, not actual paper writing. That is a different service that is not offered here. If you want someone to write your paper for you, then you should look for a professional writing service. We do not do that here.

I can however, point you in the right direction for your research. For starters, you can always use Google to research the basic information required by your research. The of course, there is Google Books and Jstor, which are websites that offer free access to up to date information related to your research topic. All of which you can use to create the draft version of your research paper. From there, you can ask your professor if there are any required reading materials and the like that you need to reference in your paper. That may force you to use an actual library or do more online research. One of the two methods always works for me.

Good luck with starting your paper. We can help you revise and edit it prior to submission if you wish :-)

Scholarship / People that are nobody and wants to be somebody. APU Japan: Scholarship Essay [3]

Yasmin, you certainly had a lot to say in your essay. Unfortunately, nothing you had to say actually led me to understand why you feel you should be awarded this scholarship and how receiving this scholarship will help you achieve your educational goals. Your essay just rambles on about the merits of scholarships and how you first of people who apply for scholarships does not answer the prompt provided. In this particular statement, you must consider and concentrate on all the reasons and aspects of academic study that you will benefit from as a recipient of the scholarship. Explaining how you plan to spend the scholarship money, your dreams and goals for your future, and your current financial situation that requires you to seek a scholarship grant are all aspects of the statement that will help you to accurately respond to the question posed. What is the actual word limit of the statement response? Don't be afraid to go over the word limit as we can edit it down to the requirement, provided you finally have a response that will actually help you get into the running for the scholarship grant consideration :-)

Letters / Writing a petition to get into graduate school, despite my low GRE scores [2]

Right off the bat I can tell you that trying to discredit a national or international standardized test is not the way you want to go in your essay. While I agree with you that the test is not an accurate reflection of your true academic capacity and interest in the course, the point is that the test is a part of the consideration for some college and graduate degree courses. So rather than trying to discredit the exam, own up to your short comings that could have led to your low test scores and then explain how those events adversely affected your performance. Aim to get the admissions officer to sympathize with your plight more than anything else.

Offer an insight into your actual ability as a student, as a learner, and as a social person. While the GRE did not reflect those aspects of your personality, you can openly discuss your strengths as a student and social person. Try to deviate the attention of the admissions officer to your strong points. Explain your strengths in such a way that will negate the GRE test scores without having to constantly tear down the test and the validity of its results. You will not be doing yourself any favors by doing that. Instead, you could earn the ire of the admissions officers instead.

For a strong finish, concentrate on your ability to deliver more than what the GRE test score would lead them to believe that you can achieve. Explain that while you understand that the GRE is an integral part of your admissions consideration, you have high hopes that your other credentials, accomplishments, and achievements will far outweigh any GRE shortcomings you have.

Speeches / "The Courage to Dream Gives One the Courage to Persevere, Conquer and Influence" [4]

While it is good to use a historical figure to help illustrate the point of your essay, I believe that these types of essays always benefit the most from the sharing of a personal anecdote or story that shows how you had the courage to dream, persevere, conquer, and influence people. This sort of speech is inspirational in nature and more often than not, calls upon the writer to draw upon his personal experience in order to make a serious connection with his listeners. Keep in mind that Jackie Robinson, though a historic sports figure, belongs to a by-gone era and may not be familiar to all of the people listening to you. Try to come up with a more recent example or use yourself as the basis of your speech theme. It is important to have a story that can engage your listener and I do not think using a sports figure from the 20th century will be as effective as we might think it is. I would also limit the use of quotes from other people in the speech. You should be able to discuss the theme based upon your own understanding of the topic rather than relying on other people to explain the topic for you. Doing your speech that way will enable the listener to get a uniquely new perspective on the issue and thus, create a more effective speech for you.

Undergraduate / I was born in Toronto Canada, into a very troubled and unfortunate family; reasons for transferring [4]

Are you transferring from one college to another? That is normally the reason that a person writes a personal statement for transfer purposes. While I read a very detailed biography coming from you, I did not see any proper reason for your wish to change universities.I am assuming that you are currently enrolled in some university and wish to move to the University of Michigan for a specific purpose? If that is so, then you need to state the reasons that you wish to switch universities. That is not very clear in this essay as you concentrate solely on your biography which, does not really say much about your academic reasons for the transfer.

Now, as a personal essay, it is very effective in the sense that it shows your development as a person, your life trials, and how you overcame them. All of which as aspects covered in separate common app essays. This allows the admissions officer to learn more than normal about you and your background, the question is, when is too much information too much? Draw the line at some point regarding your personal information. Or choose to concentrate either on the effects of your move to the United States or the trials and tribulations that you had in adapting to your new country. It is always best to discuss and fully develop only one topic in a personal essay as opposed to half developed dual topics, which is currently the case with your essay. It would be to your benefit if you opted to develop the personal story that you best feel applies to the requirements or falls alongside the other common essay prompts that they university requires.

Essays / A experience that you would like to have? My adventure is to climb Mount Everest. [3]

While I agree that brainstorming the idea as to what will comprise an adventure for you is correct, it might be difficult for you to do that if you do not have any idea where to begin. I suggest that you Google the blogs of people who have already trekked to the top of Everest and look into the travel packages that are included in such adventure tours. Take note of the important or interesting aspects of those blogs or tour packages and then try to formulate your possible adventure using the experience of others and your research. Go to Youtube and look up "adventures on Mt. Everest" and learn from the vlogs of those who have already had their Everest experience. All of these can add up as you try to draft your adventure essay. Figure out which of the information you have noted appeals to you the most and then write your first draft based upon those collective adventures. You may find yourself imagining new adventures for yourself, original adventures, based upon what you begin to envision doing on your own trip from that point. Once you come up with those scenarios, you will have a first draft that we can effectively work on with you :-)

Letters / Making a cover letter for summer internship in finance - someone with some experience? [25]

Marco, if you did not truly do any actual work related research for the book you wrote, perhaps it would be best to omit that for now, but make sure to mention it in your personal information sheet just in case it will have a positive effect on your application. Don't forget that the HR people are on the lookout for interns who can also enhance the working experience of the regular employees and who, in the future can be considered for regular employment. So don't discount the importance of being a published author. Instead, you can mention any actual experience that you have with relevant software programs. Make sure you have used the programs and that you have a degree of expertise in it as it may come in handy in your work as an intern. The cover letter, is just meant to be a summary of the information that you have submitted in document form to the HR of the company. It is not the only basis of your application so do not worry if it is sparse. It is supposed to be short and to the point because it is just a formal introduction of who you are and what they might expect of you. The true analysis of your application comes when they review the documents you presented along with the cover letter. If you have any relevant work experience that can prove your value as an employee (hard work, team player, etc.) then go ahead and present it. Make sure the letter does not become too long though. 3-5 quick paragraphs ought to suffice :-)

Writing Feedback / Modern technology has more negative effects than positive ones: Agree or disagree? [5]

Hi Ahmad, mo internet connection was lousy all day yesterday so I was not able to review your work as promised. I hope you won't mind a late review on my part. The work you did is insightful, contains up to date information about the effects of technology and social media on the lives of people and is effective in presenting food for thought for the reader's consideration. I found some grammar problems that can be easily corrected though. While similar to the corrections above, I have a different take on how to correct the sentences, if acceptable to you that is :-)


- Rather than saying that the argument cannot be true, I would instead have said that it is a debatable opinion based on the reasons that you cited.


- ... from face to face to an unrealistic...


- I would have rephrased this to the more professional sounding "Such a conclusion cannot be reached without being based on empirical research, which is often lacking in these types of claims and therefore, can be concluded only as having come from the personal opinion or prejudice of the person making the statement."


- ... who I love, but who, due to circumstances, are far away from me,


- ... right to a certain degree ,


- are some of the solutions posed to the current crucial problem of air pollution.


- ... to produce a cleaner atmosphere.


- ... in the phenomenal enhancement of medical science ...


-... by the less significant...
I hope this edit helps :-)

Speeches / "The Courage to Dream Gives One the Courage to Persevere, Conquer and Influence" [4]

What is the main theme for your essay? Is it supposed to be about courage alone or the story of the courage that Jackie Robinson had during his lifetime? Those are two different topics although both are based upon the premise of courage. Your essay should clearly center around one or the other instead of trying to deal with both in one speech. The start of your speech is about courage alone then suddenly shifts to the story of Jackie Robinson and his courageous life, before shifting gears again. That tends to confuse the listener. There is no clear transition nor explanation as to why the speech is set up this way. You need to use transition paragraphs in those instances. There are quite a number of grammatical errors which affect the overall enjoyment one would get from listening to the speaker, so that needs to be addressed. Not before we address the theme of the essay though. Improve and finalize the content of the essay then we can deal with the grammar error correction. Just so we can correct the final form instead of drafts.

Undergraduate / ...I would continue leading my Science Club - one of the activities [2]

Work more on the inspiration angle of your statement. Explain how the program inspired you to pursue STEM to a higher level and why you feel a sense of responsibility towards the newer members. There is no need to explain that the new members have less education that you. The members of the group are not important. All that you need to let the reader know, is why you would want to continue this activity and how you hope that by continuing to pursue it in college, you will be able to gain greater inspiration for yourself in your field of study. The inclusion of the information about your middle schoolers does not really help the essay in any way and only takes valuable word count from the actual development of your reasons for wishing to pursue this activity. Make it clear that there are continuing benefits to your participation in this club that you do not wish to miss out on. If that includes finding the next Einstien or inspiring others then let that thought be the last 2 sentences of your statement. It will have the most impact and will not affect the development of your statement if placed at the very end.

Undergraduate / "When you're curious, you find lots of interesting things to do" [2]

The best thing for you to do at the moment is to just write about what inspires you. You say that you want to talk about your curiosity and how it helps your art. So go ahead and discuss that. Just talk about whatever comes to your mind. Be as long and descriptive as possible. It does not matter if you feel like it is not answering the prompt, is a weak essay, or just does not feel right. What we need to draw out of you at the moment are the thoughts and feelings that will create the response to the essay. Draft those into a rough essay and post it here. We can then analyze the content for you and let you know which parts should be included, why and how it should be built up in your essay, and finally, how the chronological order of the discussion in the paper should be. The current introduction that you have is good, But I suggest that you open instead with the statement about your curiosity about art and the way you mother called it "concoctions" in order to write an interesting opening statement. The quote from Walt Disney should be put on ice for later use. Maybe as part of your closing paragraph or something. I am sure we can find a place for it if you really want to use it as a part of your essay :-)