Writing Feedback / 'Disease prevention is better than cure' Do you agree or disagree? [5]

Do you understand the corrections dumi made? There is no doubt that taking preventative measures against illness is important....

There is no doubt that taking preventative measures against illness and educating citizens about how to become healthier are necessary efforts.

are already suffering from...
... for old people who are already suffering from illnesses.

However, it is undeniable the necessity of health education and preventative measures is undeniable. i.e. The necessity is undeniable.

Governments should give abundant funding budget to efforts toward cure instead of health education and preventative measures, even though they are indispensable in some ways.

Nice! I like it...

Research Papers / I have to choose a strong argumentative topic - need help [13]

Alright, that sounds excellent. You should give the arguments that are made by both sides. Write a paragraph about why they should and a paragraph about why they should not.

Then, write a paragraph about which argument you think is better.

After you write those three paragraphs, go back to the beginning and write an intro paragraph. Then, write a conclusion paragraph at the end.

That is how I write essays. I write the body paragraphs first.

Undergraduate / "Organizing a Fashion Show" -admission- Most important achievements and contributions [6]

...wasn't a child's play.

...music and lighting arranged on time, designing backdrops and assigning ...

This is good writing! You don't need much help. Already, you will do well with this essay. But I want to mention that if I were you I would want the essay to show my seriousness about the course of study I am about to begin. I want the essay to show that some of your most important achievements are related to your chosen careers.

(Remember, you might have 10 different careers in your life, so choose one now without hesitation.)

:-)

Grammar, Usage / "i'd like to reconnaissance the area?" - does this sentence make sense? [5]

Reconnaissance is a noun, and in this sentence you are using it as a verb. But maybe in the military it is sometimes used as a verb. Sometimes nouns are used as verbs just for convenience according to how they are needed.

I think I would not hesitate to use the word that way... as a verb. I think it's okay. It's a good word.

Writing Feedback / Several short breaks v.s long break in schools [2]

Not so many parents can afford several vacations throughout the year because of the high costs of air fare, game tickets, and food. These are the basis needs ...

Supporters of "short break", then, claim that staying home for a short time helps students memorize better of previous learning after internalize the information they learned in the weeks prior to the vacation.

Also, this is a chance for financial independence as students work for extra income; hence, summer for those people is necessary rather than preferable.

Moreover, many exchanged exchange students learn in the U.S schools are coming from ...

Some students are lucky enough to have their family closer; yet, they still feel exhausted and perform poorly at school because they do not get enough rest during their off days.

:-)

Scholarship / "Diplomatic" - Need Advice for Scholarship Essay [3]

Great advice, Dude.

I don't understand this topic: Diplomatic. Look up the definition of that word. It is really the correct word?
I want to know more about this scholarship for which you are applying.

Anyway, when you write the essay, explain to them your plan. People are impressive if they have a clear plan with many goals.

Please tell me more about the topic "diplomatic."

:-)

Undergraduate / "the one reason why I choose SCC.." - Can I write this in essay? [4]

The main reason I choose SCC is that when I graduate from SCC two years later, it will be easier for me to transfer to UC Davis.

Above, I fixed the grammar. But I think you should give a different reason. Write a sentence about the professors at SCC that teach the subjects that most interest you. :-)

Do you know what I mean? Write about your subjects of interest, and Google around to find out about the professors who teach those subjects.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Does Television destroy our bonds with friends and family? [6]

That's always great advice. When you argue, show the opponent and audience that you do understand their reasoning and explain why your reasoning is better.

Google this: Rogerian argument.

:-)

Essays / "Knowledge gained from books" - I need response to this essay [3]

Great advice, Sylvia Brown! :-D

Joseph, also remember that compare and contrast means you should point out the similarities and differences.

You know, if you have trouble, just take it a sentence at a time. Write one sentence about knowledge gained from experience.

Just take the first step, and let's see what you write. :-)

Writing Feedback / TEACHER or SELF? I would prefer to learn by myself [3]

When it comes to the question of whether it is beneficial to have a teacher when trying to learn something, some might choose to have one, while others would like the way of self-study. ---I made some small changes here.

Personally speaking, I would like to learn by myself, even if some benefits exist when enjoying the guidance of a teacher.

Use plural:
At the same time, studying on their own is a key factor in the daily lives of people.

Not more fierce... fiercer.
...market fiercer. People who want to have ..

...decent salaries have to learn more skills prepare for the future.

... would become more competent. ----Competence is a noun, like happiness. He can be happy and confident because he has happiness and competence. :-)

Great job! You are fluent in English with just a few small mistakes. Everyone always has some mistakes, even if they grew up speaking English.

Research Papers / I have to choose a strong argumentative topic - need help [13]

Excellent, Fatmah! Kathy and J.K. I like your ideas.

When I read this thread, I think of the word "controversial" and the word "arguable." They have similar meanings. You have to ask yourself, "Would anyone disagree with me if I said cheating in school was out of control?"

It is a good idea, but "out of control" is an abstract concept and it is hard to argue about an abstract concept. How about this:

Sometimes it is necessary to cheat in school.

Now that is an arguable idea! :-) Many people would disagree with it, so it is good.

Undergraduate / Activities that influnced me & academic potential and accomplishment [3]

I had to move this to a new thread. Please start a new thread for every essay.

I like this first essay. I think it is okay to write it this way. I'll just fix some sentences:
The result wasn't too bad. I was the 9th rank among 100 or more. But still, I couldn't go to province level. I failed. In senior high school, after a hard selection, I joined an accelerated program (3 years fifted of work concentrated into 2 years of education). Students in Acceleration Class (AC) came from ...

I was crying, and I promised myself no not to lose any chance. If I become one of U's family, I'll really study hard to get the best achievements."

:-)

...work together and make the readers enjoy, learn, get knowledges gain knowledge, messages from BB. I hope some day my scientific works will be published in an international forum."

...always remind myself that I can do the same and more than them, and it really helps.

My strengths are compensate for my weaknesses. If I have a dream, I'll strive so ...

These are very impressive. Just keep working hard. You have nothing to worry about. The writing is high quality and shows how intelligent and thoughtful you are.

Research Papers / "Marijuana: Beneficial and Risky" - Finding Common Ground Essay on Medical Marijuana [2]

Should there be a national legalization of marijuana as a prescription and clinical drug for medicinal treatment? Imagine a loved one lying in bed at a hospital and have having just undergone chemotherapy for their cancer treatment.

comma:
Side effects of chemotherapy have begun, and...

This sentence is unnecessarily complicated: Unfortunately, there is no legalization of marijuana use as medical treatment in their residing state, so what is the next best option? ----Just say this: Unfortunately, medical marijuana is not legal in their ...

Here, it is awkward to say the effects are not effective:
Furthermore, he argues that the positive effects of marijuana is not effective in treating symptoms of illness or pain.

...the potential of for abuse will always be a major concern.-----Well, with all pain medicine there is potential for abuse. Pain medicine also has side effects. So, I think you might be able to improve this by comparing marijuana with other pain medicines. If it is not more addictive and if they have side-effects that are just as harmful, it might be clear that medicinal marijuana is appropriate -- especially in that chemotherapy example you gave!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Argument essay on whether students should be required to have physical education [4]

has changed...
In the last ten years, our culture has changed dramatically.

Ha ha, this is a funny choice of words: The rise of obesity in young children has become a growing concern in America.

No comma necessary here: Everyone should participate in physical education classes to learn about and prevent obesity.

This essay is so good, I cannot find much room for improvement! I suppose the way to improve it is to find some interesting articles to cite. You can share interesting statistics and case examples.

Moreover, if you dig a little deeper you can come up with a very unique theme to use. As of now, the essay is rather simplistic. Still, it is very good!

Undergraduate / "when I joined a Youth Leadership Camp" - NUS admission essay [2]

Hi Joyce, you started by using the past verb tense,so keep on using it:
Being one of the youngest participants there, I find found it hard to socialise with others.

This is a run on sentence: Of course, there were some obstacles during the task, some just ignored me seeing that I was just a student but fortunately most of them were polite. ---In this sentence, you can use a semi-colon. The semi-colon functions like a period. Try putting a semi-colon after the word task.

Of course, there were some obstacles during the task; some just ignored me, seeing that I was just a student, but fortunately most of them were polite.

or you can use a period:
Of course, there were some obstacles during the task. Some just ignored me, seeing that I was just a student, but fortunately most of them were polite.

I think the word role-player is not the best word to use. In modern leadership science, many people talk about leadership and followership. I think "follower" is a good word to use instead of role-player.

Wow, very good. You do not really need any help! Your writing is very nice to read.

:-)

Writing Feedback / SAT ESSAY - Underrated vs Underrated [5]

At the beginning, I want to simplify it a little to improve the clarity:
There are ways we can tell when someone is unintelligent or unwise, but...

I think you need to add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph, because it is too short. Add a sentence that will use the words "overrated" and "underrated" so that you can clearly express your argument about it.

My favorite sentence in the essay:
Being underrated will definitely serve as force for helping u s to learn and gain more insight, though in subtle way.

Shortly saying, To put it simply, true admiration is gained when someone uses subtlety and avoids being overrated. It requires neither boastful flattery nor overrated compliments.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Of all the manifestations* of power, restraint in the use of that power [2]

According to the narrator, restraint in the use of power impresses people more than manifestation of power.

I believe that whether the use of power is appropriate is completely depends on what the situation is demanding.

If you failed fail to do so, you will become a loser.

In conclusion, whether power should be manifested or used with restraint depends upon what the situation demands.

Practice these sentences 10 times each so that you develop the habit of using correct English grammar. :-)

Dissertations / research topic of hrm related to shoe industary or banking sector. [2]

Hello, thanks for joining EssayForum.

I want to explain that the way to choose a topic is to look at what is being done right now by other scholars interested in these industries. You have to look at a few recent articles about HRM in these 2 industries and see what people are talking about.

Just go read some articles and enjoy them. Find out what problems people are trying to solve. You need to read recent articles and write a few sentences about each. It is easy! Soon, you will be so familiar with current research in HRM for these industries that you will know exactly what you want to do for your research.

:-)

I hope that helps! I cannot just suggest topics, because you have to DESIGN your research project based on a problem that needs to be solved.

Undergraduate / "My life was pure bliss" - APPEAL ESSAY to go to a school of my dreams [4]

Too many modifiers... you should get rid of some of those adjectives and adverbs... especially "lightly," "gently," etc.
Strunk and White advise us not to overuse modifiers.

:-)

This essay is going to be very effective, I think! The best way to improve it is to add more detail about your plans, goals, and deadlines. Tell all about your intentions. This essay already has some discussion of your plans for the future, and more discussion of those plans would be even better. Try to shorten the story as much as possible by saying the same things in fewer words. Kill some of those modifiers. Add detail to your discussion about your plan for the future.

I hope they accept your appeal!

Undergraduate / "As an Indian-American living in the US" - Peace Corps Admission Essay [8]

Use a hyphen: eye-opener

...to see things from the outside and to know what a different life I would have led if I had been raised in India.

This part is very clever: Partly due to negotiation skills (another story in itself), and my improved Hindi.

The best thing I think I got from that trip was the insight that I just have to be myself.
People might judge me because of my...----For a nice style, it is better to talk about "I" and "me" rather than "you."

Anyway, this essay is great, and I know they will be impressed and accept you!

Essays / Technology creates problems for humans and is not good for everything and everyone. [6]

Thanks, Kathy!

And here is some help with the grammar:
Technology does not create problems for humans, because airplanes, automobiles, and computers have more benefits than drawbacks.

Airplanes represent the safest form of transportation.

Automobiles are connecting people with one another and helping them to keep in touch.

Computers are the most important technology nowadays, because they help with everything.

First of all, airplanes always caring about have a good track record for transporting people safely. people life . Thus in airport and ...

They consider all the main points to avoid any catastrophe that could happen.

Differences from a car an airplanes fly in the sky by the free route, where airplanes fly without risk. I don't understand this sentence.

:-)

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] young people should try different job before taking a career! [2]

Here are some more ideas, Taylor...

A public debate on the question of whether young people should try several ...

Use "trying"
Some people would like to directly to take a career without trying any different jobs; other people believe young people should try several different jobs.

Personally speaking, I strongly agree with the issue assertion that young people should ...

Finally, interest is the beginning of success, because it leads to job involvement, and job involvement leads to enthusiasm and more responsiveness.----Great sentence!! I just made some small changes.

Young people will regard their job as an indispensable part of their life. This is necessary step in the procedure of a career. Young people could enjoy happy or sad experiences during the development of their jobs.

All in all, although some people may still remain unconvinced. The rea son I have analyzed this question is that I want to at least make them more aware of the various dimensions of the issue under discussion. ----Wow, such excellent writing here!!

:-)

Writing Feedback / O level: Children today have no proper childhood [7]

...constant emotional stress, which do no good to their mental health.

Keep it in the present verb tense:
More alarmingly, there are cases when children were are so stressed that they even cry after an exam with the angst of being scolded for ...

Let's use a semi-colon here:
Take China for example; many young ten year-old girls are already expert in putting on make-up and adopting seductive poses. Some actually become involved in sex scandals and alcohol addictions.

This essay is so good! What do you mean when you say you have trouble with expressions? I think this essay is really a top-quality piece of writing.

:-)

Graduate / Stop Look And Go (topic for micro presentation) [8]


It sounds like the method I use when I cross a busy street.

I really do not think I understand the question yet. Can you give some more info? I hope you have a lot of success with this, and I want to help if you can explain a little more about their question.

:-)

Essays / How to use the the Assignment Topic Question in the opening Paragraph? [5]

Welcome to EssayForum! Thanks for joining us.

I want to suggest that the first sentence might be like the star on the top of the xmas tree. Or to use a more culturally neutral metaphor, it is the icing on the cake. You can just write freely about how Goleman's "emotional intelligence" makes a difference in how people communicate, and then you can can go back and add a sentence at the beginning that will really give an intriguing hint about the concept you want to convey.

OR

The first sentence can be your source of inspiration. Do not write an essay. Just write one sentence. Read, and read, and read about emotional intelligence, and wait for that perfect sentence to come to mind. If it is rhythmic, if it is compelling... you will be motivated to write, and the reader will be motivated to read.

I think you should use the second option. Wait until you think of a sentence that is so filled with meaning that it could be a whole essay all by itself. Answer the question in a perfect sentence, and spend the rest of the essay explaining what you mean.

:-)

Undergraduate / "In a foreign country from Korea" - Describe the world you come from - internship. [3]

As I sat in a Korean airport, my head was filled with excitement about staying in the United States for two weeks.

It was during 5th grade winter break and my first time traveling abroad.

...independent child who would not disappoint my devoted parents.

Consequently, the language problems had been the biggest concern, and it is still my priority to overcome obstacles as an immigrant.

This self-determination would be the best thing I have been inherited from my parents, to confront the problems that are afflicting me and stand up dauntlessly to reach my goal.----I like this sentence!! I just had to add one word.

Depending on whether one has an amiable family or a family of dysfunction, its personality, interpersonal skills, and ability to deal with society are very likely to be changed permanently.

Use a comma:
... and tried to lecture me, which led me to go through epiphany about their struggles.

They were just much as tired as I was, and they were still trying to accept my thoughtless complaints. ---Another great sentence!! But you do not need the word "much."

:-)

Scholarship / "I believe that technology is a big change in the world." MDC Scholarship Essay [4]

If you have room, I think you should answer their questions in three strong body paragraphs of the essay. There are three main parts to their questions for you (i.e. organizations, service, circumstances).

Use a paragraph for each of those, and then go back and add an introduction paragraph that sums up the main idea you get when you put all three body paragraphs together.

I've been in college for 3 months now and I already see life in a whole other way I think you should change the end of this sentence so that it expresses something that pertains to the Gandhi quote about change.

Initially, I believe that technology is a big change in the world You should revise this so that it says something meaningful, not something obvious.

:-)

Essays / University education a right or a privilege? [3]

Great ideas, Kevin.

Yes, this can be easy and fun. You might want to introduce the essay by explaining one way of thinking about it and telling why that way is wrong. That is only one of many ways you can begin. How you begin depends on how you want to answer.

Truly, the answer depends on what kind of world we want to live in. Some people say health care is a right, and they talk about social justice. Others think it is a privilege and talk about "market" justice, which says people should have health care only if they can afford it.

So what about University education? Should the government tax everyone enough to make university education a right instead of a privilege? In the United States and elsewhere, education from grade 1-12 is considered a right. Now you have to decide whether university education should also be a right.

:-)

Undergraduate / Intellectual vitality / Roommate / Good place - My Stanford Essays - 250 words [4]

If I could discuss everything about what excites me intellectually, using a box with an 1800 character limit would be like trying to hold all the water falling down the Niagara Falls in one minute in a bathtub.----I like this intro!! I just wanted to clean it up a little for you.

Capitalize:
Questions like these and more endlessly gnaw at my brain. Sometimes I find it difficult to utilize my time on the internet Internet wisely, because I squander wander off to find possible means to find answers to my questions.

In an opening salutation of a letter, capitalize all words:
Hello Future Roommate,

It is strange ...
I like the roommate essay a lot!

I look forward to becoming a part of the diverse Californian community associated with Stanford.---- This was awkward, so I simplified.

You are great! Yes, these are interesting.

Writing Feedback / Harmful telephones and email? Human's progress is favorable. It's society that causes the problems. [4]

You got some great ideas from Kathy, here...
I'll make a few suggestions, too:
In my opinion, information technology progress is a big step in the process of humanity's development.

In conclusion, human 's progress is favorable. It's society that causes the problems.----I think I agree! But when you say this, you can offer one more sentence to help explain exactly what you mean. Be specific when you tell how society causes problems.

:-)

Letters / A Bachelor Degree in Marketing Management programme - Motivational Letter [2]

Marketing will also give me practical entrepreneurial skills to be enable me to handle my ...

personal business in the future, because I have a dream to operate my own businesses and be an employer of labour in the future after gaining adequate qualifications in...

I also built good communication and strategy skills during my working weeks in a boutique store,I learnt gained a lot of insight in the market and retail business.

Capitalize Internet.

and technology interesting because it is important academically in searching for informations information, buying textbooks/source materials online,communication ...

The XX have a good sense of humour, and they allow people to express their own points of view or opinions, which is very hard for people in some other countries.

:-)

Book Reports / To kill a mockingbird (the importance of the scene / Mrs.dubose's addiction) [3]

Google this:
Mrs.Dubose, addiction, kill a mockingbird, analysis, character

I think you'll find great articles to give you ideas.

When you start a thread, you should write several sentences to show that you are putting some effort into this. You cannot just post a question and have other people do the work for you!

:-)

Tell me what you find when you google those words above. Maybe you will get a great idea and think of a perfect sentence to get you started.

Graduate / "I look forward to opening new doors" - SOP for M.Engr. in Mechanical Engineering [3]

If there is one thing fact of which I am certain, it is that I thrive while I am learning and being challenged. ---I made a small change to this sentence, but actually I still don't like it. Everyone thrives while being challenged. It is not very interesting!

I am interested in extending my education in mechanical engineering for a few reasons. ----Here is another uninteresting sentence. You need to begin each paragraph with a powerful sentence that expresses an awesome idea. :-)

Use a comma: The bottom line is this: communication is important, and engineers are ...

With this degree, I look forward to opening new doors and facing new challenges.----Nice! It is still vague, though. If you just write about challenges, it seems like you have no goals, no plan. I think you should write about particular kinds of challenges associated with your unique goals.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Issue : Should political leaders withhold information from the public? [3]

I concede with the speaker that political leaders should withhold certain information from the public.----You can't concede with the speaker. You can agree with him. Or you can "concede that political leaders should withhold..."

I have to remove a comma here:
Secondly, the most essential characteristic that a person should posses in the world of politics is to withhold...

certain information that would otherwise prove to be disadvantageous to as they try to maintain their power.

And I'll remove another comma here:
...information from the public, in order to attain self motives.

...not serve the people as he had sworn to the public when he or she had got elected.

On the other hand, attaining self motives and over using of their power in support of ...

:-)

Research Papers / Need a thesis statement: Should government regulate the tobacco industry? [2]

Whenever you tell someone something that is not simple, it requires a few sentences of explanation.
Therefore, you should be able to come up with 3 things to tell them, 1 concession/rebuttal to tell them, and you should be able to give one sentence for each.

Can you pause right now and give one sentence for each of those 4 challenges?

If so, you should be able to use each sentence as the topic sentence that begins a paragraph, and you should be able to complete each paragraph by explaining what you mean, giving an example, quoting a book, etc.

:-)

I hope that is helpful!

Writing Feedback / Persuasive Essay - "Examine what is said, not him who speaks." ~Arab Proverb [3]

"Examine what is said, not him who speaks." Stop and dwell on that for a minute. Now, what does it mean? This Arab proverb reminds us that our society has ...

I would change the intro like that (above). It is not good to presume to tell the reader to reflect on something. It is better to just lead them in their reflection. It may be "presumptuous" to tell them to dwell on it.

This reminds me of a Budidhist proverb: Do not miss the moon because you are looking at the finger pointing to the moon.

Okay, you did quite a good job with this topic, but the topic itself is not so good. The quote is about more than just appearances. It is about "ethos" or credibility. To examine the person can mean examining her character, not just judging based on looks.

And this essay is just all about the folly of "judging a book by its cover," so it is not really the best topic. Everyone has already thought about this. You should make it unique by adding your own great "flavor" -- your own theme or observation.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Underrated Vs Overrated by people - what is better? [2]

Great edit here... thanks, Jerber!

Yes, 3rd person is better.
I like this correction:
meet the expected demand s expectations.-----The "expected demands" would not make sense. I know what you mean, but the demands are not expected.

Not only that, when people are overrated, they might also feel complacent with their work, false-believing falsely believing that they are satisfied with ...-----Very good point!!!

In conclusion, being underrated gives advantage for one to prove others they are wrong.----Yes, I guess I agree with you! Thanks for making me a little smarter. I like this thread...

Writing Feedback / What role should Australia play in future world affairs? [15]

Use a hyphen:
Approximately one hundred and ninety-five nations coexist together, sometimes ...

Use a colon:
in divergence, sometimes in harmony, as a part of one, extraordinary planet: Earth. ---Nicely written, but this is a truism. It is not a very controversial observation. However, actually, it does express something meaningful. I was going to criticize, but I changed my mind. This is a nice intro!

... is known as "world affairs", which undoubtedly beholds behold the power to ...----I changed it so that it would be grammatically correct, but actually behold means to look at something, so it is not the best verb here.

For Australia to play an important role in human, it must first smooth out the badly rumpled sheets of equality that exist within the nation today.----Wow, this is one hell of a sentence. I think you are a great writer...

Okay, very good, but read the essay again, ask yourself what the MAIN MESSAGE is for the reader to remember, and sum that message up in a sentence at the end of the first paragraph. You are still very broad and vague in the introduction. Tighten up your expression of the theme in that intro. :-)

Poetry / Ultimate freedom; 'Tell me if it isn't true for you?' [6]

Hi Rajiv,

I think the expression, "Who was that masked man?!" comes from some kind of old movies or television shows. I don't know. I was just expressing my enjoyment of your question: who was that? Hey, who was that person, after all?

:-)

I always enjoy your stuff.

Letters / Research Studentship - covering letter or letter of application for PhD studentship [11]

Add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph, and make it a sentence that expresses your main theme, your message to the reader. Add a sentence at the end of that intro paragraph, and let it be one that you would want the reader to see if you could submit only one sentence for their consideration. What is the sentence that captures your main idea and purpose?

This sentence is vague:
My research has begun from the long lasting interest on the specific relation between literature and philosophy.---Many of us have interest in these two subjects, but I think it is only meaningful if you specify a particular relationship between a particular kind of lit and a particular kind of phil. I see that you say "In particular" after this sentence, but I want you to be particular within this first sentence of the paragraph.

I think the paragraph about your communism project should have a few more sentences so that the reader can really appreciate and understand it.

The last few paragraphs of the essay are very impressive, and overall the essay is very impressive! You will be well-received, I think. :-)