Undergraduate / "The Metamorphosis," "Antidisestablishmentarianism"-Unsettling novel-Favorite Word [12]

Well,

I didn't understand much of the first essay, but that maybe because I have not read that book. So I won't comment on that one.


Umm...this part seemed like a repetition.


Hey!! It captures the heart of others like me too :P ... hahaha...

This is so cool! You took that discussion and wrote an essay on it. Way to go!!

Undergraduate / "Speech and Debate activity" - UF Admissions Essay-Meaningful Event [13]

I agree with what Kevin says. Tinker with your essay too much, and your originality is lost. Your first draft was funnier, hence, it was more memorable. I'm not saying this one has any problem. This is in fact, a better one for the purpose it is required. What I'm saying is, the reader should be able to connect with the author. An essay which has too many inputs may leave the reader searching for the inspiration behind the piece.

Letters / recommendation letter for a job offer in the field of architecture [8]

Hi brighita!

I can see than Maria has addressed most of your problems. I would like to add just one more thing...

Include a minor weakness of yours. Something which doesn't affect the application, but is present all the same. It will add a bit of authenticity to your letter. It should be something trivial, like you're an extrovert/introvert. Then try to make it sound like you have gotten over that weakness; that you're a better person now.

The HR people (or AO, if you're applying for admission) often get suspicious of letters which only talk about the positive aspects of a candidate.

But before you take this advice, please consult with others.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation for MSc in Biomedical Engineering at TU Delft [5]

Thanks brighita!

I can see what you are trying to say. But I forgot to ask something else. Do I need to include my background, like my internships, research experience...stuff like that, or should I stick to the prompt?

The last aspect of the prompt seems a bit weird. I mean, who asks for full workload? Can't they take a look at my transcript? Anyway, is it necessary to elaborate the courses I've taken, or should I just list them (In any case, there is hardly any room for elaboration.)?

Finally, if I follow the given order, won't the last part of the essay look a bit disjointed from the rest?

Undergraduate / "Speech and Debate activity" - UF Admissions Essay-Meaningful Event [13]

Let's talk about this essay first.


Here the word typical confused me slightly. If this was your first time, how can it be typical? Are you talking about something else?


This is a long and convoluted sentence. I had to read it very carefully to stay on track.

I think the "reflection" part is pretty short. Maybe, you can cut something from the second paragraph -- things like facial expressions & stuff. Don't overdo it though. I enjoyed that section.

I like this theme, but you can give the other one a try. That one may offer you more room to address the other things the prompt asks.

Undergraduate / "My mother has made an impact in your life" TAMU Admission Essay [4]

Hi Tobi

Your essay is too lengthy. You have repeated some points, and also included unnecessary sentences.


You told something like this in the first paragraph.


Look out for this remark. I think I saw it more than once, although the words were different.

Your third paragraph is a bit confusing.


Come on!! This is your admissions essay! Don't say things like that!


Another repetition.

Revise your essay, and cut out the additional stuff.

Oh...one more thing. If you post a revision, please add one space after each para.

Faq, Help / Question about becoming an EF Contributor [13]


That's a significant observation -- active reading.

I remember that whenever I read some unfamiliar stuff, I had difficulties with comprehension. I still have them, but now at least I can identify the salient features. That's because now when I read, I look for inconsistencies in the text, which in turn help me to concentrate better and for a longer period. Even if the text has no flaws, the prolonged focus improves my understanding.

Thus EF's benefits are two-fold.

Undergraduate / Mosaic: UC Application Essay #1 [10]

Hello Stephen

While reading your essay, I felt that your essay is composed of two different parts.
1) Your geographically diverse background.
2) An experience which shaped you as a person.

Now, don't get me wrong. This is all fine if you can hold on to a single theme. Your fourth paragraph, however, seemed a bit wayward.


Well, this part was a bit sudden for me too. I could not deduce how your perspective changed. It seemed like an attempt to follow the first part of the essay, but one which was somewhat abrupt. It would be better if you elaborate it slightly.

Your conclusion needs some work too. The "...touch the hearts..." sentence is not very memorable.

I like your style of writing. It's simple and easily understandable.

Hope I helped :)

Undergraduate / I am not exclusively Caucasian or Black ; My diverse lifestyle and culture [7]


I was slightly confused by this sentence. It would be better if you can write a clearer version.


"only" and "several" don't sound compatible...maybe, it can be like this -- only been seated for a few minutes

I also thought, the second paragraph could start with a better transition.


-- This is an outdated term. Don't use it.

This is a good essay...very interesting concept.

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]


There are some deep cultural differences between India and mostly, the western countries. Sometimes these differences can be overwhelming.

Gender inequality is a big problem here. Except in urban areas, women don't enjoy an equal stature with men; and most Indians live in villages. But over the last 10-15 years, things have improved.

Research Papers / sustained silent reading (SSR) - research synthesis/summary [4]

Hi Callie!


That's really sad. I hope you are better now.





The phrase "reading levels" is not very specific. At least, in my opinion.


Callie, I have to be honest with you. Before reading this I did not have any idea about different teaching methods, SSR, etc. This is not my field of expertise, but still I understood quite a bit. That should mean that you have done a good job, right?

Good luck! I hope you get a good score..

Undergraduate / Ms. Lee - "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you" [14]


Queen, definitely.
Queen : Knight :: Empress : I don't know


haha...if you love it so much, then of course, you can keep it.

Undergraduate / Why I Want to Study Abroad in Argentina Essay [4]


Maximum potential? How?

Overall, a nicely written essay.

Writing Feedback / GRE Essay:- "Laws should not be rigid or fixed. Instead, they should be flexible [6]


I agree that it's not necessary to always argue in favor or against the issue, but what I meant was that your stand should be clear from the beginning. The reader should know that you are sitting on the fence.


You're absolutely right. Learning proper grammar is a time consuming process. I pointed out that fact because most of your writing is fine. It's just that those mistakes sometimes distort the meaning.


Ok I'll point out a few.

And, as we human beings
there will be contradictions and clashes for using
Keeping the basic purpose of thea law in mind, the basic assumption made by abovementionedaforementioned phrases seems to be true that a law should be flexible enough to take into account various circumstances, times, and places.

Can you see where you are going wrong? You have got most of the complicated stuff sorted out; you just need to avoid those silly mistakes. It's like you've derived a formula to solve a really difficult mathematical problem, but finally made a mistake while performing an addition or subtraction.

Work on these. They won't take a lot of time.

Undergraduate / Ms. Lee - "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you" [14]

A typo here -- social hierarchy reigned God-played by Ms. Lee
By the way, why did you replace queen with empress?


Seems fine to me.


Well, it is long, but I understood it. Anyway, I'm not qualified to talk about those things... yet.


Hmm...let's see...you use the word "change", but follow it up with "had a clear understanding" -- somehow this doesn't seem right. Don't you think it should be something like -- the greatest impression on me...

I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear. A change is something like -- you heard about Jack and thought him to be really handsome, but he turned out to be a gorilla. Whereas, in your case, you already knew he was a gorilla, it's just that he turned out to be a bigger one....Do you get my point? Am I being too vague?


Do you really need these lines?


I don't think you need that word.


Writing this way only shows that you can write well, but here you need to be concise and direct. So, cut down the flowery stuff. You can write a much shorter sentence.

I can't really comment on the last two questions :(

Writing Feedback / GRE Essay:- "Laws should not be rigid or fixed. Instead, they should be flexible [6]

Hello Rajesh

I could not find out what your stance on this issue is, even after reading it twice.

First of all, I did not fully understand what you meant by "long time scale" and "short time scale". Laws are not like business plans, where you can make a projection of future. Businesses generally follow set mathematical rules, but laws don't.


That was a good example you gave, but then your next example is a contradictory one. Why?

Moreover, when you list the subsequent examples, you are taking them on a case-to-case basis, and thus contracting your original premise.


This is an assertion which has no basis. You shouldn't have introduced it in the concluding paragraph as you cannot substantiate it here.

Rajesh, I think your main problem is your grammar. Maybe, that's why your sentences are unclear. You have made some basic mistakes... Learn the usage of singular and plural nouns, and also articles (a, an, the).

I think you know a lot. You just need to express yourself properly. :)

Good luck!

Grammar, Usage / Tips on writing more effectively (visit the link) [8]

Hey Mustafa

I read the other article you wrote -- "the art of taking multiple choice tests". I was impressed by the techniques you demonstrated to find out the correct answer. I believe they will work very well on subjects like economics, but I'm not sure about their effectiveness on science subjects.

I have taken more multiple choice tests in scientific subjects than I can remember, and the answer choices in most of them were usually numbers or single-word terms. I found that a lack of thorough knowledge of the topics included in the exam often led to mistakes.

Anyway, I don't visit hubpages, so I don't know to whom that article was intended. If it was a general one, I think the title could be changed slightly. Maybe, to "The art of taking multiple choice tests in _______".

Book Reports / Thousand Spledid Suns - Provoking Essay topic suggestions? [22]

Gender oppression is the investment in industry that shuns agriculture. -- Does that sound nonsensical?...umm...well I tried anyway.

Undergraduate / UCF Admission Essay...[What qualities do I possess...] [14]

You know what Shinelle? I admire people who take criticisms in their stride, and you are one of them. The fact that you have taken every criticism in a constructive way shows your strength of character, and in a way, epitomizes what you are trying to say in that essay.

Anyway, I think this one is a very good draft. Your essay follows a single, clear theme. You substantiate your claims properly. The following errors caught my eye :

today's society who dresses according to what

Marching to the beat of my own drum has always came with adversities -- this does not sound right. How about -- has always led me to face adversities


Do not use contractions in college essays.

Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]

Oh, yeah. I can see the connection.

Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]

Hmm...I can see the layers of the cake you love so much.

I thought that a "disestablishmentarian" is someone who opposes any established order. So that would make an "antidis..blah blah" someone who is against the other someone. You're right it becomes too complicated. Your interpretation is better.


My subconscious won't be allowed to think that way if I was sitting in the front row listening to that gentleman of yours. I'd be more focused on things like windshield wipers.

Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]


What the hell is that thing? I just thought you were trying to be funny, which you are by the way.
:)

Dissertations / I need suggestions for phd topics in software engineering [18]

Hello Kamalakar! Welcome to Essay Forum!

Can I ask you a question? Why do you want to pursue research on some topic suggested by another person? I'll make myself clear with the following example.

Let's say that I suggest you three topics A, B, and C. Now I suggested these topics because I like them. So what you will do next is choose one from these, and you'll convince yourself that it is a topic that you like. Do you see the problem? All along you have been following my interests while thinking they are your own. After sometime, say a year or so, you'll start to have doubts over your selection and you won't enjoy your research. That means a miserable life, or at worst, failure to get a PhD.

My suggestion is -- use the internet! Visit various university pages; they usually have detailed information about the current PhD topics. Check them out and read some journals. Go to websites like sciencedirect.com and type in "software engineering". Take some time to choose your topic -- at least, a couple of months. When you get three or four topics which interest you, then you ask someone to help you choose one.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, but I was just being honest with you. This forum is for research help, but in my opinion, no one can help you unless you have a plan. Go, make one!

Book Reports / Thousand Spledid Suns - Provoking Essay topic suggestions? [22]


Wow! I can see why YOU are the moderator (read expert). That is some metaphor.


It's Hosseini

Undergraduate / "Unforgettable Golf Game" - UF Prompt [8]

Hi Jisun!


I've read somewhere that in formal writing, the numbers less than hundred should always be spelt out.


I'm not really sure about this, but isn't the exclamation mark in the wrong place?

It's an intriguing essay. I liked the way you expressed the lessons learned from that experience.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Outline reasons for choosing the Fashion Institute for Design and Merchandising [3]

Hello!

Like Maria said, your perspective is definitely interesting, but I did not like the analogy you used. I thought it was a pretty abrupt transition from love for a person to an institution. It would be better if you use a different example, one that has the same theme, but is more direct.

Furthermore, I'm not convinced with your other reasons.


Most of the schools have similar agendas.


What are your goals? Say something specific.

Faq, Help / Question about becoming an EF Contributor [13]

Good point.

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]


Well, I thought they were a bit similar. Sorry, my bad! :)


That's partly what I meant.


Haha...in that sense, India is a bit like the US. Everyone knows about US because of the movies, TV, and stuff. Although, appearances can be deceiving sometimes.

Scholarship / A higher degree in design for visual communication - scholarship completion [5]

Hi Divya

I'm also applying for a higher degree in the UK, and you are right, they do charge a lot of tuition fees, especially from non-EU students.

Since I've been writing scholarship essays myself, for the past month or so, I'll just speak from my experience.

Preparation
First, learn as much as you can about your intended course.
Then about the university.
Find out its applications, both industrial and social.
Next, look for its applications in your country (i.e. India)
Finally, make a list of your goals.

Writing
Start by telling why you are interested in that course.
How you are qualified to pursue that degree (i.e. your past degrees, work experience, etc.).
Now, talk about your goals, and how they are parallel with the applications of the course.
How the chosen university will help you attain those goals.
Round it off with something about the scholarship scheme.

Cheers!

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Hi Amir!

Post your stuff here. We'll be glad to help.

Faq, Help / Question about becoming an EF Contributor [13]

I see that you got your answer.

Frankly, I don't care whether EF will improve my resume or not. Editing other essays have made me realize some of the mistakes that I make, and that's what's important.

Finally, I became a contributor to make my username look cool. :P

Grammar, Usage / Tips on writing more effectively (visit the link) [8]

This is excellent!

I learned a lot. I make most of the mistakes you pointed out there. Thanks for writing it, and posting the link.


I don't think your one has any problem. When I was reading the text, I was following your train of thought. Hence, I got the contextual meaning, and it made complete sense to me.


haha...I agree.

P.S. I understood "labyrinthine", "cogitate", and "plethora". I guess I'm getting better...hahaha...

Undergraduate / 'bioengineering research' - College Sup. Essay: Duke Pratt school of Engineering [4]

Hello Chan!

I won't correct your grammatical errors. I'll just talk about what your essay made me think.


I found this sentence quite confusing. The rest of the paragraph does clear this confusion, but it would be better if you simplify it in the first place.


I found this quite interesting. I would be better though, if you can cite the work you are referring to. Where did you read it?


I don't think these are very good sentences for a concluding paragraph. The second sentence almost seemed meaningless to me. Moreover, technology is a part of science, and mathematics is a tool used for simplifying its abstract concepts. So I don't think you can class them together.

I think your essay can become a great one, as it has a lot of specific information. Read it again and again, and try to close the loopholes.

Good luck!

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Hey Maria

India is a cool place. I consider it as a compact version of the world. Here everything changes within a 200 sq. km area, yet there is something that remains common; something that every Indian knows, but can't describe.


Have you never visited Ukraine, like on a holiday or something?

Book Reports / Thousand Spledid Suns - Provoking Essay topic suggestions? [22]

Hey Ben

I've read that book. If I may suggest, you can talk about the childhood of Mariam. How she always had to stay within the boundaries of her mother's home, or her mother's suicide, and how circumstances forced her (Mariam's mother) to take such an extreme step. These are just examples.

I'm not very good at this. Others will give you better advice.

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Hello Tanya!
Hi Maria!

I'm from India. I joined this forum to improve my writing (well, initially I joined just to get some help with my admissions essay), as English is not my first language. Even though all the schools I attended had English as the medium of instruction, I was never very attentive in my language classes. But as the cliched saying goes, "better late than never". :)

Hey Tanya, how is Ukraine like. I don't know much about it, except that it's really cold.


I agree. You really know your stuff, Maria!

Undergraduate / Marching band section leader: a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment [6]

Hi Sarah

I found your first paragraph interesting, and frankly, quite funny. But after writing it, did you ask yourself, "What have I learned from this experience"? I think that you don't address that question.

The problem with your essay is that it talks about two separate events --
A) Before you became the section leader.
B) After you became the section leader.

The second paragraph is more closer to what the prompt asks. Therefore, I have the following suggestion:-

Pick one experience you had as the section leader. One in which you dealt successfully with some of the problems that are inherent to a leadership job.

If you still want to write about that car and phone incident, try to show something which came out as a result of that experience.

Faq, Help / Thanking moderators and everyone who gave me helpful suggestion [28]


I can offer one advice. Start reading topics which are out of your comfort zone. For example, let's say that your favorite subject is biology and you hate philosophy. So here biology is in your comfort zone and philosophy is out of it. Hence, to improve your reading, start reading philosophy.

Trust me, it works. I can say it from my own experience. :)

Undergraduate / Ms. Lee - "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you" [14]

Hi Maria

Your third paragraph is still not clear to me. When you say "the greatest change of thought", what do you mean -- inspiration to pursue philosophy, importance of passion in learning, or value of assisting others?

What I mean to say is, when I read those words, "the greatest change..", I expected an immediate and startling revelation. I just felt that the initial effect was lost somewhere in the lines that follow. But that's just my opinion.

Your fourth paragraph is good.

The length should not be a problem if you have not been given an upper word limit. Anything less than two pages should be fine.

Now, I have a piece of advice for you.

I hope that before you made those changes in your essay, you showed it to others who felt the same way as I did. If you didn't, then remember to NEVER make wholesale changes in your written piece based on just one person's opinion. Look for the general consensus. I'm not an expert (hell I'm just a beginner), but even experts can make mistakes.

You write very well.

Good luck!