Writing Feedback / Power Privilege essay [8]

"I am going to begin by defining power," What an excellent idea. In fact, why don't you actually include a definition of power in their somewhere. You might want to look at various types of power, and where they come from. Consider for example, when a strong man might be more powerful than an intelligent one, and vice versa, or what price a politician inevitably pays to gain power.

Writing Feedback / Pledge of Allegiance, under God, separation of church/state, essay feedback [4]

The separation of church and state essentially means that the government can't tell you what to believe, or what religion you practice. It has often been misinterpreted of late to mean that people have a right to avoid any mention of religion in the public sphere. Usually, these interpretations actually mean "Christianity" rather than religion in general, since the people advancing this interpretation don't seem to have a problem respecting religious pluralism, as long as it doesn't include Christianity in the mix. The reasons for this are extremely complex, and have a lot to do with the way political fault lines have developed in America. In this case, though, you only need to go with the original, correct meaning of the doctrine. So, is it wrong for the government to force students to pledge allegiance to a nation under god, if those students don't believe in any god? The easiest answer here would be "yes," especially since the words "under god" were added as part of an anti-communist movement in the Cold War that has no relevance today. However, if you want to answer "no," you can base your arguments on the importance of tradition and patriotism without too much trouble.

Book Reports / (symbolic / character interpretation)? - my new essay is on lord of the flies. [15]

The great flaw in your argument is that Ralph and Piggy don't in fact lose their morals. Both remain decent human beings standing up for what they believe is right to the very end. Piggy is murdered, and Ralph would have been, if not for the arrival of adults, or course, but they die, or come close to it, precisely because they refuse to give up their moral nature. So, perhaps you need to go a little deeper into your analysis than merely saying that everyone loses their morals when they don't have supervision. Why does Ralph lose out to Jack in the political battle? Why does Jack set the entire island ablaze in an effort to destroy him, even though he is smart enough to realize that this must surely end in his own destruction too? You might want to throw in some Freudian analysis here -- id, ego, superego. Also, what could Ralph have done to change the outcome? Why doesn't he?

"We need societies structure to keep us from reverting back to animals" But the larger society in the book is essentially on the verge of WWIII. That is, the planet itself is about to burn as the island does, only in a nuclear conflagration. So, even with society's structure, our destructive impulses can still emerge and destroy us.

Good essay overall, then, but try to dig a bit deeper to make it even stronger.

Writing Feedback / "PGD method" - feetback on introduction of short academic essay [12]

"a morally problematic way of thinking that the Holocaust should have taught us to avoid." Avoid comparing things to the Holocaust, unless you are talking about actual genocides.

Your opposing view isn't really connected to your essay that well. In part, this is because it is an unrelated argument in favor of PGD, rather than a direct response to your own arguments. A better opposing view might include any or all of the following:

- A statement that embryos are little more than groups of cells unable even to feel pain, and so are not particularly possessed of any "individual worthiness."

- A statement that this practice does not in fact constitute discrimination against the disabled, as the embryos are not, in the pre-implantation stage, meaningfully human to begin with. Ensuring that people are born with disabilities in no way discriminates against those who have already been born disabled.

- A claim that PGD could eventually lead to the elimination of all genetic diseases, as well as a dramatic reduction in diseases that are not wholly genetic, but that are influenced by genetic predispositions.

This way, the opposing arguments you give aren't random reasons to favor PGD but rather direct counters to your own points. Obviously, you would then have to rewrite your third paragraph to focus on providing counter-counter arguments that would show why the above statements are incorrect and your own view right.

Writing Feedback / Some Causes of Stress -- work, family, finance. [3]

What was the prompt for this one -- it seems like an odd topic for an admissions essay. Also, what sort of word count are you looking at? Beyond that, I'd say you should try to say something a bit more thoughtful about the topic. Yes, all the things you list are causes of stress, but can you come up with something specific about modern society that would make it more stressful than, say, that of 200 years ago?

Graduate / 'biology course' - Mech Eng @ UPENN [3]

Yeah, ditch the Hamlet reference. Starting an application essay by chaining together the concepts of suicide, vengeance, living through the Iraq War, and getting an engineering degree is probably a bad idea. Also, you might want to focus more on what you hope to accomplish in the graduate program, rather than on what you have already accomplished, depending upon the prompt. Actually, now that I think about it, what is the prompt?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay - Cars cause a lot of air pollution... [5]

In addition to the excellent advice above, you might also want to consider that drivers already do pay fuel tax every time they fill up their cars. If you support the idea of an environmental tax, you might want to discuss whether or not this should be implemented as an increase in the existing fuel tax, or if it should be implemented as a separate tax. If you oppose the idea, then of course you can argue that the fact that drivers are already paying so much in taxes means that a new tax is unnecessary. Either way, good luck.

Writing Feedback / Do circumstances determine whether or not we should tell the truth? [10]

Your second essay now stays on topic, and is much better. For the first essay, your proposed revision still misses the point. Your original justification for lying isn't wrong, per se -- it's just that it needs to be rooted in a deeper examination of the nature of lying and truth-telling. Kevin gave you a good list of authors you can read to get a sense some of the arguments you could make, but here are some questions you might want to consider to help you see why you need a firmer foundation for your essay:

What would would have happened to Johnsy had she discovered the deception while she was still ill?

Would this discovery have made the lie wrong? If so, how could it ever have been right, given that the potential for discovery was always there?

If I can make money in a business deal by lying to the person I am dealing with, would it be wrong to do so even if I knew, with 100% certainty, that I wouldn't get caught, and that my reputation would be unharmed?

You don't necessarily have to deal with these questions directly in your essay, but your philosophical defense of lying in the first paragraph should be strong enough that an intelligent reader could guess your answers to them.

Writing Feedback / Advertisment analysis [5]


Okay, if you insist. I've been as harsh as all those exclamations marks seem to imply I should be. That means, of course, that I expect you to be in tears after you finish reading this, so you might want to make sure you have some tissues handy. Here goes:

Your first paragraph contains only generalities, and should be cut.

Your second paragraph begins with more generalities: "The ad which I would be talking about today is found in the Vancouver Sun, among many other reading materials. It is trying to attract people to buy their phones, services, and/or their deals. This ad is about great promotion(s) which are being offered." As opposed to all those ads that aren't trying to attract customers, or that are all about their crappy cons? Cut most of this. In fact, the only two words you need to keep are "Vancouver Sun."

"This ad is effective because the first thing that you'll see is the three bolded and capitalized words "Great, Great, Great!" Just that very sentence would attract your attention and make you want to read on. And then you'll see the words "Great phones, Great Services, Great deals!" These words would really attract your attention and make you want to buy it." This is wrong. An effective ad would cause the reader to remember the brand name of the product. This ad apparently did not do this, since you have not bothered to even mention what company/brand the ad was for.

"In fact, the only details you'll get are at the bottom of the page, with a font size almost too small for the naked eye. Most of us would ignore it at the first glance." Certainly you seem to have ignored it. Otherwise, you would tell us what it said, and maybe even do some research, and compare the deal offered to other deals on the market, so that you could decide if the deal really was "great."

"In the headings, six of the nine words are "great." Thus, even if we might not remember the exact details of the ad, we would definitely remember that it was "great"!" Apparently you have decided to mimic the technique. Oddly, though, seeing the word "great" repeated so many times in your essay, to make the very, very obvious point that the company described its product as great because it wanted viewers to have a positive reaction to its products, does not incline me to view your essay as great. Quite the opposite in fact.

"This ad puts a lot of emphasis on our assumptions. With some well chosen words, we would start to assume things that were left unsaid. And in many cases, what we assume is not 100% true." If you had some specific examples, this could be an interesting point. But, you don't have specific examples, so it isn't.

"A fallacy used in this ad is called Gilding the Truth. Sometimes, ads use sweetened words to conceal the ugly reality behind it. The persuasive techniques used would include Bandwagon, Don't get left out, Great savings and easy to own. After all, They are trying to get us to buy their products to boost our self esteem." Why are telling me this? It doesn't really connect to anything you have previously written. Use transitions so that your paragraphs seem less like random collections of thoughts.

"The visual images are important to the ad as well. The colour red is used for the background of the ad. Perhaps that is because red usually symbolizes passion, and they wanted us to feel passionate, passionate enough to feel like buying the product right after reading the ad." I thought the ad consisted entirely of the words "Great" with some small print at the bottom? There are colors, and images? Why didn't you mention this in your introduction?

"Two Blackberry cell phones played an important role in creating a subconscious message." Aha! There were images. And now, for the first time in the essay, I know exactly what the ad was for. I thought it was going to remain a permanent mystery. ""Cellcom". This reinforces the idea that Cellcom is Canada's largest exclusive Rogers Authorized Dealer, even without looking at the text beneath." And a brand name! Hallelujah and praise the Lord! It's a miracle!

"Great, Great, Great! That is the message Rogers is trying to send to us. Yet every piece of evidence is practically screaming to us that it is not necessarily so. Perhaps the next time you look at an ad, you should think carefully before rushing off to buy the product. It might not be as great as it seems." Actually, this is a pretty good conclusion. I can't think of anything really caustic to say about it.

Rating: 0 out of 10

Okay, not really. But you asked me to be harsh, and I can't think of anything harsher than giving you a 0.

Actual Rating: 3 out of 10. You did find an ad and write about it, and seem to have legitimately thought about it. However, you do not start with a comprehensive description of the ad, which makes it difficult to visualize. Also, as a result, your introduction cannot act as a roadmap for the reader, as we do not know what elements exist in the ad, or in what order you plan to discuss them, or why you have chosen that order. This problem is compounded by your absolute avoidance of transitions between paragraphs, which create a sense that you are too lazy to organize your thoughts in a meaningful way. When you do make good points, you do not expand on them with additional analysis or demonstrate them with specific examples, which leaves many of your paragraphs feeling unfinished.

Good luck with your second draft. Feel free to post it here. I will be much kinder to it, unless you once again prove masochist enough to invite me to be harsh.

Undergraduate / Broadening Horizons Spiel: Conclusion, Questbridge essay. [2]

There are a few rough grammatical constructions here and there, but by and large, your essay seems fairly solid stylistically. I wouldn't say that you had missed out on the impact part. If anything, I'd say that's the best written part of the essay. The experience part could use some fleshing out. The first paragraph doesn't seem particularly necessary. Maybe you could cut it and expand on what is currently your second paragraph. Why did you you and your parents make the sort of trip you described? What were some of the negative aspects of such a lifestyle? Was their a particular incident that taught you something valuable?

"When looking at photos of my childhood, the carefully manicured sets of school pictures are noticeably absent." Why are sets of school pictures looking at photos of your childhood? You have misplaced your modifier. Revise.

"harshly capitalist society, where to move up one must push others down" You might wish to review the concept of capitalism, in order to decide if you really think this statement makes sense.

Writing Feedback / My narrative story on how bank of america charge off department closed down [3]

Some excellent advice from Mustafa. I would go even further, though, and say that you should add dialogue even if your teacher isn't insisting on it. I mean, you describe at least three separate conversations, and actually giving the dialogue would provide you with a great chance to engage in some character development. At the moment, the manager seems vaguely villainous, your coworker sort of heroic, with you somewhere in between. If you could give the three characters voices, they might become more specifically heroic or villainous. You could also develop the moral dilemma caused by the manager's action in more detail, too.

Undergraduate / Questbridge Application, vegetarianism [5]

Definitely focus more on how vegetarianism has impacted you personally. At the moment the thing that impacted you the most seems to be the Sheppard's pie, not vegetarianism. How bad was it, anyway, that it convinced you to swear off eating meat for the rest of your life?

As for the other two, just think of your most vivid memories. Probably the reason those memories are vivid is because they are of events that affected you strongly in some way.

Good luck.

Essays / Interview a Person whose Native Language is not English [9]

You could start with a quotation of a translation of a Urdu idiom or saying that related to whatever your thesis statement is. That could act as a good hook.

Essays / Should the policy of supplying textbook for free adhere to colleges? [16]

The first sentence is manifestly false. First, as it stands, you are saying that most adults and high school graduates are currently college students, which is clearly not true. What you meant to say, I assume, is that most adults and high school graduates are attaining or have already attained, some level of post-secondary education. This is also if it applies to the entire world, clearly false, since the vast majority of the world's population lives in conditions of poverty that make pursuit of postsecondary education unrealistic. Even if you meant only American adults and high school graduates (which you don't specify) the statement is still clearly false. If you go here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Educational_attainment_in_the_U nited_States, you will see that, while an increasing percentage of the population is gaining access to higher education, the number is still only around 30%, which is obviously not a majority of the populace.

Also, your argument at the moment does answer the vital question of "so what?" So some families have financial difficulties and could benefit from free books. So? Why should the colleges care? They are businesses, and presumably not interested in providing charity to the poor at the expense of their own bottom line. If you want your essay to be convincing, you are going to have to include in your essay a good reason why the colleges should want to help out students financially, especially since providing free textbooks to all would presumably help out even those who come from very rich families, making it charity to those who don't even need it.

Don't be discouraged, though. Just revise the essay to include a few additional arguments, and you'll be fine.

Undergraduate / Reasons for transferring (NYU's BFA Program of Dramatic Writing) [7]

Mustafa is right -- this essay needs to be more specific. You could use this essay for any application to any university with a similar program. Or is NYU the only place that offers a BFA in Dramatic Writing? If not, then you need to add in details about specific NYU courses and professors, or about specific aspects of the NYU campus that makes it better suited to you than any other university. You might want to look at their website to see what they are using as their selling points, and then try reflecting some of them back in your essay. Good luck.

Writing Feedback / My paper, for Newt Gingrich... [19]

Be more specific throughout: "he symbolized himself to the public with a fuss with Bill Clinton" What fuss? "he broke up the situation" what situation? And so on. You really want to delve more into what sort of an impact he had on American politics. What was it like before he came along? How did he change it? In what ways are we still feeling the effects of his career?

In keeping with that, you might want to drop the "grossly immoral" aspect of your essay, especially given all of the accomplishments you list for him. It's fine to mention that he was married three times, had an affair, was accused of hypocrisy, etc. However, your goal should be to analyze his impact on American politics, and so you should mention them specifically in terms of how they impacted his ability to get out his message and to influence the political landscape.

Overall, then, your essay is a brief biographical sketch of Gingrich, with some personal judgments of him mixed in. But this is supposed to be for a poli. sci. class. So, you need to do analysis of his political impact (which involves doing more than just listing his accomplishments and failures) and should avoid value judgments for the most part.

Good luck with your second draft.

Graduate / Social worker in offices at a local hospital - Personal Statement for Grad School [5]

You might also want to consider combining some of your sentences. At the moment, they all tend to be the same length and to have more or less the same structure, which gets a bit monotonous. Apart from that, the essay looks solid.

Writing Feedback / Management of Planning - Arthur Anderson (Enron case) [4]

If you have already done the research, you are halfway there already. Try to find connections between the pieces of information you have assembled to find some overall point you can make, something that could be debated, but that you believe to be true based on the facts as you know them. That will be your thesis statement. Once you have that, organizing your information should become much easier.

Scholarship / Expanding my knowledge; Scholarship (the United World Colleges) [6]

"This college offers me many different opportunities and resources to take the road of success." You might want to list some of the specific opportunities and resources you have in mind. In fact, you could greatly strengthen this essay by replacing generalities with specifics throughout.

Book Reports / (symbolic / character interpretation)? - my new essay is on lord of the flies. [15]

I like where you seem to be going with the clothes as symbolic approach. Clothes conceal us, after all, hide our bodies. If, then, as the clothes decay, we see the children's true nature, which is animalistic and brutal, it is presumably the case that the children's nature doesn't decay, so much as get revealed as the civilizing veneer of socialization wear's off. So, the clothing would then actually represent socialization. You can definitely build on that to create a solid essay. Good luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task--Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood [18]

Read your last post carefully, and you will see the very crux of your problem, Mustafa. You view argumentation as a battle. You therefore want to defeat your opponent, rather than to explore ideas for enjoyment, or out of a desire to discover the truth. You are tilting at windmills, though, fighting only shadows of your own mind. I have never viewed you, and do not now view you, as an opponent. I have been trying to help you, by pointing out mistakes in your reasoning, and in your general approach to interacting with others. The only victory you can win, with your current attitude, is to successfully avoid seeing my point, and so to learn nothing new. That, I would say, is defeating yourself, rather than me.

Writing Feedback / Do circumstances determine whether or not we should tell the truth? [10]

In your first essay, you need to better outline what circumstances dictate about telling lies. Is it okay to tell lies if no one gets hurt? If it reduces peoples pain? In that case, why shouldn't a husband lie to his wife to hide an affair he is having? That presumably would prevent his wife from getting hurt, since she will only be hurt by his having an affair if she finds out about it. Put another way, is the only reason we tell the truth to maintain our reputations for honesty? Or is there some moral reason why telling the truth is right?

In your second essay, you need more examples, not of heroes, but of people inspired to heroism by the examples of heroes, since that seems to be the main value you find in celebrating heroes. As it stands, you describe inspiring examples of heroes, without ever touching on their influence as heroes, rather than as historical figures. In other words, you talk about what they did themselves, rather than what they inspired others to do.

Grammar, Usage / What can help a student to write a good essay (research for my assignment) [7]

If you are limiting yourself to "what kind of information a student needs," then you can divide it into a handful of categories. Information about the topic, obviously. That would be the research element mentioned by Tyler. Information about the format would come next. So, what are the conventions of a narrative essay, an argumentative essay, a speech, etc. Information about what constitutes good writing in general, would probably also be helpful. You would probably want to work in information about the audience, too. So, what are the views of the people who are likely to be reading the essay. If it is being submitted for marking, what are the preferences of the professor when it comes to writing style. That sort of thing.

Poetry / I have to write a senses poem for my assignment ("feeling doubt") [17]

Can a leaf swung by the wind be described as looking for a better place? Or is it adrift, caught in the currents of chance, always passive, never active, never able to articulate or to act on its desires?

Why the movement from the leaf to the tree? You need to add more detail to connect up the ideas of tree and branch and water. As it stands, it is not clear what the significance of the image is, beyond the obvious symbolism of aridity and being cut off from one's roots standing for a sense of uncertainty and loss.

Otherwise, it looks good. Good luck with the revisions.

Essays / How to write an ethnocentrism paper / The Evil Among Us -- Something you witnessed or learned about [20]

This still suffers from the fact that the homeless guy shared the same ethnicity as the two women. Also, the example is weak because they could well have been right. For all you know, the man was homeless due to his own laziness. He might not have been; you seem to have ascribed more charitable reasons for his situation, but really, you have no way of knowing for certain. So, at worst, the two women are being uncharitable, not ethnocentric. If the women lived in the area, and knew something of the man, they might not even have been that. I'd pick a different example, or alter the details of the anecdote. Maybe the women were white and the man was black. And maybe he wasn't homeless, maybe he was just an ordinary guy, but the women crossed the street to avoid him out of fear. Or something along those lines.

Writing Feedback / If you cannot excel in a field, simply leave it for someone who can. Decisions [9]

Yes, your new ending is better. It is shorter and pithier, and you call it a belief and not a motto anyway, so there are no longer any grounds for criticism.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task--Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood [18]


Yes, exactly. That is all an ad hominem attack ever proves about the person making it, that he cannot address the arguments being made. That is why ad hominem attacks deserve no response, and why, as your last post is both an admission that you are engaging in ad hominem attacks and an extension of such an attack, I will say no more.

Writing Feedback / Essay on The Cons of Social Text Messaging [4]

You need to make it obvious from the outset that what you are really against is the misuse or inappropriate use of text messaging. "Social text messaging" doesn't work, because the example you give later of arranging to meet Caleb is clearly a social use of text messaging. So, you might want to start out by pointing out the advantages of text messaging, then move to a discussion of when it becomes a bad idea, instead of the other way around. This would give you a much more focused speech that would make a lot more sense than the one you currently have. On the bright side, this will mostly involve some cutting and pasting, and a bit of rewriting of your transitions, which shouldn't take too long.

Undergraduate / 'A hope for a wonderful learning experience' - college entrance essay (UCF)? [7]

As Kevin said, be more specific. At the moment, you could use the same essay for any application by just changing the name and location of the university to match another. Add in specific resources, programs, course, professors, aspects of the campus, anything that would show that UCF means more to you than any other college you might get in to.

Essays / Goodman Brown's Epiphany Essay [8]

Perhaps the way a character develops (in this case Goodman Brown) can be used to by an author to develop a theme? So, for instance, can Goodman Brown stand for humanity in general, or even just the Puritan community of New England at the time Hawthorne was writing? Does his slide into darkness therefore reveal something about the nature of mankind? Does the tone of the story reflect this theme in some way?

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task--Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood [18]

Kirin, your essay is looking much better. My main criticism now would be that it isn't clear if you think that having both parents involved in childrearing is objectively good, or if it is only good given trends in contemporary culture. I get the idea you want to argue the former, but at the moment, you are mostly arguing the latter. If this is the case, you should go through, and elaborate in much more detail on the points you list in your second and third paragraphs. You might even want to compare mothers and fathers point for point, rather than dealing with each in its own paragraph.

The rest of this post is going to be a lengthy response to Mustafa -- feel free to skip it if you'd like.

Mustafa, I must confess to being truly impressed, not to mention complimented. I have never before had anyone put that much time and effort into trying to insult me. Your post is a brilliant piece of rhetoric. You might want to consider writing up some of your opinions up for publication. There are plenty of newspapers that could benefit from the sort of detailed analysis that you can carry out.

That said, virtually your entire post is an ad hominem attack. It is an ad hominem attack elevated to the status of an art-form, admittedly, and as such has its own beauty, but it is an ad hominem attack nonetheless. You spend all your time parsing out a single sentence of one of my posts, which you admit you don't have to interpret negatively, but are choosing to do so because you're, well, you. You then, on the basis of that one construction, attempt to profile me as a writer variously cunning, tricky, or cowardly, depending upon your mood. In so doing, you completely ignore my own arguments that your original phrasing was both wrong and meaningless (and this, after calling me selective!) and in fact cavalierly refuse to engage with them "I could prove that Israel is a terrorist state by fact (which I'm not inclined to do at this point)"

In any event, you are quite right when you say

"You won't here Sean say, "Calling Israel a terrorist state is wrong because, say, Israel must defend itself against people who 'seek to wipe it out"

You won't hear Sean say, "Calling Israel a terrorist state is wrong because, say , Israel 'does not deliberately target civilians"

You won't hear Sean say, "Calling Israel a terrorist state is wrong because, say, 'palestinians are inferior and subhuman"

You will not hear me say any of these things in a thread on the importance of fatherhood. Ever. This is not because I wish to hide my opinions on the issue, but because this is not the appropriate place for that sort of discussion. If this were a thread on an essay discussing the nature of Israeli policies, I might say any or all of those things, especially if someone with your views were posting in the thread, in order to maintain balance. If on the other hand, the main arguments being posted were all pro-Israeli, I would argue from a strongly pro-Palestinian position. This is something I suspect you can't do at the moment, namely argue whichever side of the issue you disagree with with the same fervor and intensity as the one you agree with. You should learn how to do so, because you are certainly intelligent enough to do so, and it is the last vital component of critical thinking, the power that saves one from being no more than a particularly articulate ideologue.

I took issue with one particular phrase that you used because it was, in your own words, the lobbing of a grenade, an attempt to provoke a strong response on an issue that, by your own admission, had nothing to do with the thread topic. Even that, I could have ignored, if it weren't for the fact that it was, for reasons I have previous outlined, a meaningless piece of ideological rhetoric. If you are going to go around picking fights (and in how many threads now have people commented on your rudeness, anger, and closed-mindedness, traits I have never ascribed to you in any of my own posts. btw), then you should at least say something meaningful that is worth fighting about.

Letters / Globalization - an opinion letter in essay form [12]

It is always a good idea to define your key terms at the start of your essay, too. What, exactly, do you mean by globalization? You've written an entire essay about it, without ever bothering to say what you think the term means. Nor is this an academic exercise to show you understand the term -- the word means different things to different people. Wikipedia lists at least five separate definitions, and it is hardly the most comprehensive article ever written on the subject. So, start by writing out exactly what globalization is, from your point of view, and you will find it much easier to write a coherent critique of it.

Undergraduate / Which essay idea seems to be best. [8]

I'll pile onto to the "Go with option 2" bandwagon. The second one will make it much easier for you to show your intellectual curiosity, and what you say about the philosophy will reveal much about what sort of person you are.

Undergraduate / "Improvability" - NYU Transfer (activities, additional information) [6]

Given the word limit, perhaps you would be better off going into detail about what you learned from one production, rather than listing all of the ones you were involved in.

For the additional information, you should include the significance -- what the experience says about you.

Good luck.

Undergraduate / Stevens or NJIT - which college to choose? [9]

I don't know which one is "better," or even if there is enough difference between the two to merit such a distinction. Perhaps you could search Google for information on the two?

Essays / Goodman Brown's Epiphany Essay [8]

I'd say it happens when he loses his Faith, not in God, but in his fellow men. He avoids the mark of the devil which would allow him to know instantly the sins of his neighbors, but because of what he has seen, he imagines everyone is corrupt anyway.

Speeches / "An experience that changed your life" speech presentation ideas? [8]

Try reverse engineering your way to an answer. Think about an opinion you hold very strongly, or a personality trait that you have, or a characteristic habit, and ask yourself when you first started to have that opinion, or to develop that trait or habit. The answer to that question might well be a life-changing experience you can talk about.

Writing Feedback / "PGD method" - feetback on introduction of short academic essay [12]

There are some potential problems with designer babies. For instance, if everyone decided to choose the exact same characteristics for their children, this could reduce genetic diversity, making the population into a monoculture that is more vulnerable to epidemics. However, given that most markets seem to encourage a diversity of products and designs, I'm not sure this fear is well founded. It can also be taken as an extension of the devaluing life argument, which is fine. Too often, though, the phrase "designer babies" is used as if it is self-evidently a bad thing, which is not the case.

Writing Feedback / If you cannot excel in a field, simply leave it for someone who can. Decisions [9]

Overall, a good, solid essay. One criticism: "My motto is that: if you cannot excel in a field or willingly strive to excel in it, simply leave it for someone who can. " A motto should be pithy and memorable. This is not. Condense it into something that is, and your essay will be even stronger than it already is.

Essays / How to write an ethnocentrism paper / The Evil Among Us -- Something you witnessed or learned about [20]


Kevin is absolutely right. If you haven't already handed in the essay, you might want to post the revised version here, just for some extra feedback.