Research Papers / Gradute Studies Final Research Project Question [16]

Ah. Well, in that case, you will have to establish what sort of criminal leader you are talking about. Ultimately most gangs are outgrowths of organized crime, and the true leaders of organized crime dress in suits and often own and run some generally legitimate companies in addition to their criminal enterprises. On the other hand, the people who run the gangs at street level, the thug equivalent of middle management, would have a noticeably different leadership style. Still, you could probably find parallels in the way each group motivates its "employees," and arranges rewards and punishments meant to advance the financial well-being of the "company," so you have a good topic.

Book Reports / "never seen no piece of jail-bait worse than her" - Of Mice and Men Character Sketch Essay [6]

Not bad. In the first part of the essay, you might want to talk a bit more about how Curly's wife seems to have married him because of his social status, rather than for love. Thus, she is the architect of her own misery, because Curly is not a good person.

""You an' me can get that little place, can't we, George? You an' me can go there an' live nice, can't we, George? Can't we?" (Steinbeck 94)." This quote seems out of place, given the context.

"She has a dream just like any other worker on the ranch." This is good. I would have interpreted it as yet another sign of her shallowness, but this is also valid, and more sympathetic, too.

Writing Feedback / "Green Jeans" / "The love of my life" / "Fathers" - rhetorical essays (finals) [9]

These essays already seem fairly solid. They are detailed, with fairly strong style and grammar. The second one is probably the weakest, in terms of meeting the listed criteria for marking. For each essay, you are supposed to "Determine the purpose and audience of the paper." Its fairly obvious that the first essay would be of interest to anyone considering buying Green Jeans. The third one might be of interest to single women contemplating the bar scene. The second one, though, while heartfelt, seems to have no particular audience in mind. Could you maybe revise it to focus on the weaknesses of the court system in general, while still using your fiancee's specific experience as an example?

Undergraduate / UT Transfer SOP Essay (theatre technician) [3]

This essay is very well-written. You have a great style, and tell an interesting story. The conclusion does seem a bit jarring, though, mainly because, having talked about your tech work in theater, you conclude by saying that you think the university will be a great place to pursue a computer science major. This seems a bit incongruous, to say the least. Perhaps your conclusion would be stronger if you more clearly explained the connection between the skills you developed working on the play and the skills you hope to develop at UT.

Research Papers / Starting Research Paper (Kring's "Heroes") [19]

Of course, if you have evolved superpowers, I suppose you would no longer qualify as human. That is, the amount of genetic change necessary to support such powers would probably be great enough that superpowered people wouldn't really be human at all, from a strictly scientific viewpoint. So, you might have to make a them/us distinction at some point.

Undergraduate / My father was an ordinary business man; Ryerson (reasons, details) [4]

A few more fixes for you:

"Since I was a child, I have been fascinated by the business world due to my father."

"He explained various aspects of the business to me how the business ran such asincluding merchandising and developing interpersonal relationship. "

"I believe attending Ryerson is a great step towards accomplishing my goal of becoming a businessman "

Undergraduate / 'Want to become a business woman' - transfer essay (what I can learn from life) [4]

You're getting there. Some more suggestions:

"I always ask myself what I can learn from life, and the response that I always receive is experience" I don't know that you learn experience. You may have experiences that you learn from, but it sounds a bit odd to say that you learned the experience.

"some successful businessmen"

"that allows me can earlier know how to work with diffident country people, indeed know diffident country's' culture, that's good for my future life." The first part of this clause is grammatically mangled. Also, I'm pretty sure you are misusing "diffident" in this sentence. Revise.

Undergraduate / Activity since secondary school [5]

Decent essay overall. Some minor things:

"One of the most fulfilling experiences I ever had is working with the refugees" The highlight "the" sounds a bit odd, since you haven't yet mentioned any specific refugees to warrant it.

Kevin is right, it sounds odd to say you never thought you had empathy. Mostly, this is because only sociopaths have no empathy. You might not have felt a great deal of empathy for refugees per se, but presumably you were able to imaginatively project yourself into others emotions before you started working with them.

"food and non- food items,"

Undergraduate / undergraduate transfer essay (Fresh out of high school) [4]

What does most of your essay, which deals with your change of attitude before entering your current university, have to do with the topic of the prompt, which seems to be asking you why you want to transfer? Only the last paragraph seems to really be on topic. You might want to consider revising the essay to focus more on what the university you are transferring to offers that your current one doesn't.

Undergraduate / A person who has an influence (LOVE YOU so much) [9]

Very nice, touching essay. You might want to tone down the "The reason I am sitting here writing this essay is that my Mummy encouraged me to do all that I can to get into University." part, though. After all, it is one thing to be influenced positively by your parents, and quite another to have no ambition of your own.

Writing Feedback / Not Mr. Towers, he and his family watched TV; Narrative Essay [8]

Adding dialogue would also be a great way to add more conflict. Perhaps at the beginning of your essay, Mrs. Towers calls and tries to warn her husband, but he doesn't take her seriously at first. So, she reminds him of the previous ice storm. This way, you can change some of what you have already written into dialogue, which might save you some time, while adding an element of conflict to the story.

Grammar, Usage / APA formatting - Review Essay [17]

With MLA, it's just the number, and no date, so (King 2). This is what makes citing stuff so annoying, especially if you move back and forth between systems. Fortunately, Office takes care of this for me now.

Book Reports / Thesis for Hunters in the Snow [6]

I haven't read the book, but if it's a novel or short story, coming up with a thesis shouldn't be that difficult. Just ask yourself "what is the author trying to say in this story." Your answer will either be a suitable thesis statement or something that can be made into one.

Writing Feedback / motherhood (Motherhood is Amazing) [3]

Sounds okay overall. A few minor things:

"I believe being a mother is the most extraordinary gift, yet most challenging to overcome." The second half of this sentence doesn't work grammatically with the first half. Revise.

"Always making sure the child is fed to his means, not yours." If people followed this advice, all children would starve, because no child has the means to feed himself/herself.

"That child belongs to you and only you." Um, couldn't there be a father in the picture somewhere?

Writing Feedback / FIRST NARRATIVE ESSAY (The Miserable Girl) [8]

In other words, you need to say what you are saying in your essay using fewer words. However, when you do that, you'll be cutting out a lot of what you currently have. So, you should do that first, then worry about revising for grammar. Otherwise, you'll be fixing the grammar on sentences that you'll then be deleting, which is a waste of time.

Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

"why is it that a statistically disturbing segment of the population, more in some countries than others but all throughout still, cannot live for extended periods of time without a xanax bar or alcohol, or other drug," This is what I mean by prejudging the issue. Why should it be statistically disturbing that most people drink fairly regularly? And does this statistic mean that they cannot live without alcohol or other drugs, or that they just don't want to? If a lot of people have decided that the benefits of alcohol or other drugs outweigh their drawbacks, surely you should stop and consider carefully why they would make that decision. In other words, you need to look at both the benefits and the drawbacks, then decide whether alcohol and other drugs are worth using, instead of starting from the premise that they are not worth using, and that all the people who have decided to use them (which, if you include alcohol in your list, is probably a majority of the adult Western population) are wrong. I guess what I'm trying to say is you should probably approach the topic objectively, with a open-mind.

Undergraduate / University of Hartford (future businesswoman) [11]

Well, why don't you make the changes that have already been suggested, then post your revised draft for further feedback.

Undergraduate / Short essay for Summer Program (infallible set of skills) [8]

It's looking good. A few more minor things:

"Curiosity is an emotion that I have been familiar with since early childhood, and that eventually developed into the drive to learn new things something my parents have always encouraged."

"Here I had the chance; not only to immensely expand my academic alternatives, but also to interact with students from all over the island," You don't need the semi-colon. Also, you could probably just end the sentence as is, instead of continuing on.

"I plan to develop an infallible set of skills that will one day make me a better scientist, colleague and possible mentor." No one is infallible. Maybe you could use a different word, instead?

Research Papers / Gradute Studies Final Research Project Question [16]

Hmmmm . . . what do you mean by "street leader," exactly? Perhaps it should be obvious, but the term doesn't ring any bells offhand, and Googling the term doesn't clarify much.

Undergraduate / Summer Program Why biomedical research? [5]

You pretty much answer the prompt, which is good. However, your style needs some polishing. I would suggest reading this Essay Forums article for a good place to start in revising your work: essayforum.com/grammar-13/avoid-verb-5678/

Writing Feedback / Not Mr. Towers, he and his family watched TV; Narrative Essay [8]

This is a decent story. You're writing style is really good. You might want to work on adding a bit more conflict to the story, though. As it stands, Mr. Towers is warned about the ice storm. He prepares for it. He has a smashing good time while everyone else is stuck without power. Without a greater amount of conflict, the story is mildly amusing but a bit pointless.

Writing Feedback / Math is Crucial for Society [6]

The title suggestion isn't bad. Perhaps you could try "Let my experience of the world be my best source of education." Or maybe "My experience of the world is my best source of education." Something along those lines, only try to be a bit punchier.

Writing Feedback / FIRST NARRATIVE ESSAY (The Miserable Girl) [8]

The general story is clear enough. Poor homeless girl tries to find work, but can't. She is in despair, eating out of a dumpster when she is rescued from her distress by a handsome young man of some means. Your grammar is rough, but revise for conciseness first, then we'll worry about smoothing that out.

Undergraduate / Short essay for Summer Program (infallible set of skills) [8]

If you changed

"Since childhood, I have had an inclination towards the unknown or the yet to be discovered, deriving pleasure from challenging myself; an ability my parents encouraged from an early age, making their best effort to teach me the importance of learning and a good education, an endeavor they did not make in vain."

to

"I have always been curious and hard working, even as a child."

that would cut down on the word count. It would also focus the essay a bit more. Apart from that, I'd say you answer the question fairly well.

Essays / Help to form a research topic (ethical dimensions) [6]

"What are the ethical issues would occurarise whenthe managers uses coercive power to manage the employees' behavior at work?"

That is a great question, because ultimately managers are always using coercive power. If the employees don't go along with him, he may attempt to get them fired or find ways of making their work lives miserable. Even if the manager wouldn't do that, and is a good person, the fact is he has that power and the employees know it, so in a sense, all of a manager's power is coercive. Now, punishing troublesome employees is part of a manager's job, and may even include firing particularly lazy or quarrelsome ones. He has an ethical duty to his employer to take such actions in certain cases. On the other hand, if he becomes too dictatorial, everyone suffers. So, what ethical guidelines should he follow when deciding when to make the coercive nature of his power explicit? Should he do so only when and always when it would benefit the company? Or does he have a duty to take employees concerns into account even if doing so may lower the company's profit margins? If the latter, whence comes this duty? How should it be reconciled with his duty to the company?

Hope this helps.

Research Papers / Need help with a reasearch paper about food safety [10]

Change your thesis. Try "Lapses in food safety result from a complex interplay of factors." Then, you just need to list three factors: "not enough regulation," "poor enforcement of existing regulations," and "deliberate attempts to circumvent regulations" all spring to mind. Good luck.

Writing Feedback / FIRST NARRATIVE ESSAY (The Miserable Girl) [8]

Be concise. Avoid forms of "to be." So, for example

"The street was empty when the wind was blowing; the stars stopped shinning when the clouds were gathering, and the rain started dropping when the girl was shivering. Cold and loneliness were part of her sufferings."

could be rewritten as

"The wind swept through the empty street as clouds scudded overhead, blotting out the stars. Slashing torrents of rain tore at the girl, who stood, shivering and lonely, on the street corner."

This is shorter, and eliminates two instances of "were" and three of "was."

Check out these articles for further advice:

Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

If you take Kevin's approach, you could end up with a very interesting organization for your essay. The psychological effects are likely to be largely positive, at least for those who don't get addicted. After all, "bliss" and "euphoria" may not take up a lot space in your description of the effects, but really, there's a lot to be said for "bliss" and "euphoria!" That's almost certainly why most people take the drugs. The physiological effects are likely to be primarily negative. Drugs mess with your natural brain chemistry, and both pot and cocaine speed up the heart rate, which essentially accelerates the aging process, which is not good. However, the psychological feeling of bliss is likely linked to these physical changes (in other words, they are latter causes the former) so the one is the price you pay for the other. The neurological effects are likely to be a gray area, no pun intended, mostly because we still don't know that much about how the brain works, or whether or not temporarily altering the ways that it works have negative or positive effects on us.

Poetry / Analyze the poem To an Athlete Dying young and the Great Gatsby [7]

I was thinking of suggesting that the Gatsby application should be the thesis, but that would make the assignment a lot more difficult, especially since, as far as I know, the poem wasn't written specifically as a commentary on the novel. I get the idea that the teacher mostly wants a poem analysis, but then wants to check to see if the student can make links between texts, too.

Research Papers / Starting Research Paper (Kring's "Heroes") [19]

Depends. Some teachers really don't like it when you use "we," because it's a variant of the first person, and someone somewhere once told them that formal essays shouldn't use the first person. On the other hand, these teachers are idiots. Good teachers will recognize that referring to humans as "we" will sound a lot more natural than artificially trying to discuss your own species as if you weren't a part of it. So, really, it depends upon the views on essay writing held by your teacher.

Essays / Starting Huckleberry Finn! [12]

No problem. If you have some time left before handing in your essay, feel free to post a draft here for more feedback.

Essays / Help to form a research topic (ethical dimensions) [6]

Well, what ethical rules guide people in decision-making roles? You may need to refine the question a bit, say, look at a specific subset of decision-making roles, and/or a specific subset of ethical rules, but this could certainly be turned into a good research question.

Graduate / Letter of Intent (banal? right to the point?) - Israel student [3]

Be more concise. You can cut out a lot of words without losing any meaning. For instance:

"The subjects offered by theYour Master of Arts in Applied Ethics program in your universityhave brought in much interests in me greatly, as I have been longing to study on such an interesting course."

Revise the whole essay along these lines.

Writing Feedback / Midsummer Night's Dream Character Essays [5]

Better. Now, take all of the references you make to specific passages [Act 2 scene I line 30-35 , Act 3 scene 2, lines 345 till 360., (found in the last lines of the book) ], and replace them with actual quotations, using a proper citation format (MLA, most likely).

Undergraduate / Georgetown - Somalian Pirates [8]

Pirates are indeed criminals, and not terrorists, when they carry out their activities for financial gain. The mistaken nomenclature is probably more of an understandable error arising from the fact that both terrorists and pirates are violent criminals, and that the former are talked about far more than the latter in modern times, rather than a sign of indoctrination into some form of insidious ideology.

The author does not seem, by the way, to be arguing from the premise that combating militant Islam in Somalia would reduce piracy in and of itself. Rather, he seems to be arguing that the best way to combat piracy in the region over the long term is to support the development of a stable and democratic Somalia that shares Western values. Ousting a militant Islamic regime would be one step in the process of creating such a Somalia. This chain of logic is perfectly reasonable. It is not unassailable, by any means; Mustafa has every right to disagree with the argument, and is his objections are not foolish. However, the essay is solid, given the limitations of length imposed by the particular format.

Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

"The United States has consistently been ranked among the highest in the world in terms of illegal drug use" You need to define what you mean by illegal drugs. Obviously the U.S. will have more people convicted of using illegal drugs than, say, Amsterdam, because marijuana is only illegal in the the former country, not the latter. Or do you mean that the U.S. has some of the highest rates of marijuana and cocaine use (which are not the only recreational drugs that are illegal in the U.S.)?

"many contend that the problem" What problem? That people use them? Or that the government has made them illegal? You're begging a question here. You say you are going to investigate the reasons why people use marijuana and cocaine, but you have already assumed, without having yet discovered what they are, that these reasons cannot be legitimate. Or are you not going to investigate this at all? After reading your paragraph headings and your second paragraph, it looks like you are just going to describe the physiological effects of the drugs. If that's the case, then most of your first paragraph is off-topic.

If on the other hand, you are going to look at both the psychological and physiological effects of marijuana and cocaine with a view to understanding why people use them, you might want to revise your introduction to be more concise and focuses, without introducing non-medical moral judgments.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay, a love of writing and education [4]

Your writing involves a high level of diction, which is good, and general grasp of grammar and appropriate academic writing style, which is better. However, as Kevin says, your essay is pretty darn dull. It's not going to make you stand out from all of the other scholarship applicants. Try cutting back on your word count. I suspect you could say everything you have said at the moment in about half the space, if you really wanted to. Start by cutting out all the "I believe"s in your work -- it's your essay, whose beliefs would it be expressing, if not yours?

Writing Feedback / Midsummer Night's Dream Character Essays [5]

You seem to have made a solid, if somewhat shallow, case for the two people you have picked so far. You might want to go into a bit more detail. You might restructure each paragraph, actually, and start each one by describing the social group you think the character you are talking about belongs to. So, what are the characteristics of a popular person, a loner, etc. At the moment, you only really give one or two key features of each -- you can come up with more. Then, you can quote from the play to show how Puck meets those characteristics, how Helena meets them, etc. For a third character, how about Demetrius, who starts off professing love for one woman then immediately loses interest in her when he sees someone more attractive. I know, that probably doesn't happen with modern teenagers, but maybe you can find some sort of parallel anyway . . .

Poetry / Analyze the poem To an Athlete Dying young and the Great Gatsby [7]

Start by answering the question "What is the overall effect of poem?" Your answer to this question will be your thesis statement. Then, list the aspects of the poem that contribute to the effect, providing a summary of what you will talk about. Then, treat each aspect that you have listed to a detailed analysis in its own body paragraph. I guess you can tack the Gatsby thing on at the end, in your conclusion -- that seems like an odd requirement for this sort of essay. But anyway, get a draft done, and post it here for more feedback.

Essays / Essay on non pecuniary sex tourism [3]

A good place to start in an essay is with a thesis statement. In your case, you already seem to have one: "Honeymoon Tourism, Single Holidays and Gay Tourism can offer positive opportunities for the tourism industry." So, your next step would be to outline the specific ways in which "Honeymoon Tourism, Single Holidays and Gay Tourism" can be positive opportunities for the tourism industry. That will give you an introduction. Then, for each body paragraph, you would go back to your introduction and turn one of the points from your outline into a topic sentence. You would quote from your research to support your main points, then add a a concluding sentence at the end that ties your point back to your thesis. You would repeat this for each of your main points, until you had all of the body paragraphs you needed. Then, write a conclusion, and you'll have a complete draft you can post for further feedback.