Undergraduate / UtProsim is way more than just a Latin saying, it's a lifestyle. VA Tech Essay application [4]

Alvaro, it is nice that you were able to show how well you understand the motto of the school. It is also nice that you were able to relate it to the things that you see occurring around you. However, I believe that your comment could have been made stronger by a paragraph telling the reader that you did not realize that you have been living the motto of VA all your life, or at least as far back as you can remember. When you comment on the motto of a school, it always helps to show how you already embody or can embody the motto of the school in your daily life. It will also help to explain what you understand about the motto and how it applies to your life. The comments you made about the way that you plan to make the motto a part of your academic life is also a nice touch as a comment. After all, if you already live the school motto, you are already well on your way to becoming a member of the community once you are accepted as a student.

Undergraduate / 'What are the top five reasons you want to be a Hokie?' [2]

Alvaro, the reasons that you want to be a Hokie are not really that relevant to the essay. It speaks more of your intentions for studying at VA rather than the reasons you chose to attend VA. I found a website online that presents the top 7 reasons for you to want to become a Hokie. It is located at admiss.vt.edu/newsletters/20121207/index.html These 7 reasons can be the basis of your revised essay as these 7 reasons come from VA itself and therefore, will be the information that the admissions officers will be looking for in your response. Choose the 5 reasons that you feel apply best to you and write your own version of the reasons based upon the template offered by that website. I hope this helps :-)

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2- I opened my eyes, everything around me was blurry, and nothing made sense. [2]

Adu, this a very good essay. It shows how one can triumph over adversity. In your case, you not only found triumph in the face of extreme failure, but you also found a way to develop your personal traits in such a way that you found an aspect of your personality that you would not have learned about if you had not collapsed on the course that day of the competition. The problem that i see with the essay is that you spent too much time introducing the failure to the reader. Try to cut it down to only one paragraph so that you can devote the rest of the essay space to developing a discussion about what you learned from that failure and how it has helped to shape the person you have become. I really like the rest of the paragraphs where you discussed how your team told you that your moral support meant a lot to them. How did you show that support? That shows the kind of positive effect your failure was able to present to you. Develop it, talk more about the way you found your way back from failure and learned to accept that something positive would eventually come out of giving up on your dreams of running track :-)

Undergraduate / Learning in the school of life - College essay [4]

Louisa, here is my advice. Name the place that you went to aside from "The School of Life", then reorganize the essay to explain that the women in the shelter were abused by society in certain ways. Explaining that their state in life, the madness, catatonic state, or detachment from the real world was brought about by the indifference that they experienced at the hands of people who were supposed to care for their well being. As you discuss the status of "Maria", make sure that you reveal how you felt about each situation. What was your first impression when you first met her? Did that change over the time that you spent with her due to the way that you observed her actions? By the end of the 72 hours, were you able to learn something about her that was able to help you reach out to her in a way? How did the whole experience affect you as a person? Did it change your mindset about the "throw away" members of society? Delve deeper into your conscience and present the lessons that you took away from the experience, then sum it all up in a few sentences to complete your conclusion. Try to revise the essay, I am sure you can do it :-)

Essays / I've been thinking about the prompts for days but still got nothing yet; personal essay! [28]

Fiona, the essay is definitely good enough to send it with your applications. That is my opinion which I hope you share. Remember, I can only take you so far with regards to the development and preparation of your essay. There are certain elements that may be of concern to you that I do not know about. Those concerns that you have can affect the readiness of your essay for submission. If you feel that you have properly answered the prompt and you have no information to add to it, and you are satisfied with its current content and format, then you know that it is ready for submission. If you have any concerns remaining, then the paper is not yet ready. In the event that you do have some concerns, let me know if I can help you out so that we can get this essay ready for you :-)

Undergraduate / There is a soldier who sees the world [5]

Fiona, I need to know what the two prompts are so that I can advise you or give you some ideas behind what the honor code being required in the prompt is. I need the following information from you before I can answer your question:

1. What is the honor code of the university?
2. What are the two prompts?
3. Which of the two prompts are you inclined to answer and why?
4. Do you want me to clarify any points about the honor code of Harverford for you in relation to your chosen prompt?

After I find out these information from you, we should be able to decide on the proper prompt for you to address :-)

Undergraduate / how a motto can effect you [3]

Jagrit, this is not an essay that will impress the admissions officer. Something that happened to you in the third grade that did not, in the way that you told the story, have anything remarkable to do with the person you became today has no relevance in the common app. A story central to your identity means that you experienced something in life that helped you learn a lesson that changed either your outlook in life or your way of thinking. Bringing you to another level of intellectual, social, and personal maturity. The event you described did nothing of the sort. We don't care about Carver and what he did for your school. What we care about reading in this essay is a story that changed your life which you were not able to talk about in your other common app essays. Present that story and you will have presented the story behind the development of your central identity.

Undergraduate / I was short listed among the best twelve students that participated in the competition [9]

Adeyemi, I must applaud you for turning the essay around in a big way. You not only responded to the essay, but also displayed a sense of leadership in the community that you belonged to which was implied in the essay prompt. You should be proud of the way you developed your answer to this essay because it proves that academic interests can also be integrated into extra curricular activities in a big way. That said, we should now begin to address and further problems with the essay. Most of which seem to be grammatically related at this point. I will advise you regarding better sentence structure below:


- I had the opportunity to participate in many high school extra curricular activities, but the activity that had the most influence upon me was my participation the MATHSA (Mathematics Students Association) This was the group created by other Math inclined students at my school in Ijaiye, Ojokoro for the benefit of the students in our school who were doing poorly in their Math subjects to the point were a mass failure in Math related exams in our school could no longer be ignored. The purpose of our group was to ensure that the failures would be reduced through tutoring and inspiring the students to do better in their Math classes as a part of their quest for knowledge


- Being a more senior and more Math adept students in the group, I was often asked to represent our school in various competitions in the past. It was therefore, not a surprise to anyone in the group when I was assigned to tutor the students who had the most difficulties with Math. It was an opportunity I embraced because it helped me to hone my own intellectual abilities while offering a helping hand to those who needed it.


- What makes me extremely happy and satisfied with my participation in this group is the fact we were able to effect a positive change in the study habits of the students, who eventually went on to pass their Math exams and lower the rate of mass failure in our school community. Through our help, these students have overcome their fear of Math and gone on to also help others who struggle in the subject as a way of paying it forward to the community. As for me, becoming a member of the group helped me overcome my fear of public speaking as I can now stand before anybody and present my ideas coherently and with confidence. So while the organization was meant to help others, I ended up helping others and myself in the process.

You can use my suggestions as a template for your revision or use it in its entirety. I don't mind at all :-)

Scholarship / Smiles Foundation: no link, no snide remarks, no side talks, no laughter, no gossip against You [10]

Leonard, this is not a good essay because it does not answer the prompt in the way that you are required to. You are supposed to present your leadership abilities in line with the volunteer activity that you are participating in. Rather than reading about that, we got a seminar on the history of the organization you volunteer for and the work that you did for them later on. We don't need to know about the research you did in relation to your participation in the organization. What the essay is asking you to discuss are the moments that you had within your group membership that called upon you to be a good community member and leader , explain how you performed your duties in the leadership role, and finally how you plan to use those talents and traits that you developed during your stay as a university student at ASU.

While talking about how you installed computers for the organization may sound interesting to you, it does not display the kind of unique abilities that a community member or leader is expected to have. You need to discuss something related to your interaction with the members of the organization who in this case, represent your community, and how that interaction has helped you develop skills and abilities that are not developed in the classroom, that relates to the leadership part of the essay. Would you like me to offer you some examples of these roles in relation to a similar organization or do you have an idea of what I am referring to already?

It is vital that you revise your essay because you cannot use this current one for your application. It just does not properly answer the prompt. You have time to revise it and we will be here to assist you with it :-)

Undergraduate / The Function Defined as P = Math - College Essay [10]

Peter, I find this to be a highly interesting essay that answers the prompt in a creative and engaging way. It almost sounded like you were talking about a tutor at the beginning, owing to the formality of the method of teaching, then to find out that it was simply your mother teaching you the basics of math, and you accepted it as a part of your daily development in life rather than objecting and opposing to it as other children might have done shows a great dynamic in your relationship with her. More importantly, the story shows a central part of your identity that you learned to develop with the help of others, you developed patience and understanding in a way that most parents are unable to teach their children. It is not always that one will come across an essay involving Math that can present the subject in such a crucial role in the development of the identity of the person. It is because of the way that you presented the connection of the development of your identity with Math and your mother that, in my opinion, makes this essay work very well as a response to the essay prompt :-)

I feel though that another paragraph can be added to the essay. One that further strengthens the way that you used what you learned in Math in your daily life, just to illustrate how Math has helped develop your identity as a person and how you have integrated the lessons you have learned in Math in your daily activities. I believe it will help give more substance to you claims in the end about Math having been able to help you develop your personality over time.

Undergraduate / Samsae-third generation Korean immigrant-born in Japan - learned of my Korean and Japanese heritage [10]

Kitakaname, as I progressed with reading your essay, I found myself interested in what you had to say about the Korean-Japanese background that you come from. It is a background that creates a unique and diverse personality in a person who comes from those roots. However, the world that you come from, from your description is too rehearsed in nature. That means that the essay comes across as merely informative and not really connected with you as a person. Sure you did this and that activity at the museum in order to learn something about your history. There is more to your story than this. Tell us about the world that you come from. Not this sanitized version that you present before us.

Talk about the positive and negative aspects of being a Samsae. Let us into this unique world by showing us your life. Are you more Japanese or Korean? Do you feel like you have a split personality? If you do, explain why. How does the Japanese and Korean world collide in your personality? How do you cope with it? Is there racial discrimination in your world? Why does it exist? How do you overcome the discrimination? Those are the interesting points that you can point out in a very personal manner in this essay. Such information will truly help us understand the world you come from and how it has helped to shape the person you have become :-)

Graduate / Rainbow nation child - Diversity Essay [10]

Anastacia, you have spent a great deal of time talking about the history of apartheid and the emergence of the "born frees". While I enjoyed reading the historical trip, it did not answer the prompt because you were supposed to tell a story about diversity that you experienced. That said, the story about your parent's experience with apartheid does not count either. You need to develop a second story that revolves around diversity. Forget telling the history of apartheid. That is not of interest to the faculty reader who will be assigned to you. By pushing your personal experiences with diversity down in the essay, you just showed that you did not understand the prompt and what was required of your answer. The faculty reviewer may not finish reading your essay because your personal diversity stories come too late in the essay.

You also presented a number of your personal experiences with diversity. Just choose the 2 that you believe are the most impressive in presenting your experience and expand upon it. You don't need to present more than 2 stories as you do now. The essay prompt makes it clear that you need to present only 2 cases that you personally experienced. Once you revise the essay in the manner I am suggesting, your essay will have properly answered the prompt already.

Try to revise the essay. I will work with you on aligning it with the prompt in the best way possible :-)

Undergraduate / "Mom, why are we moving again?" I lost count on how many times I've said this phrase over the years [5]

The world you come from sounds very interesting. It also presents a unique way of maturing far beyond your years. It is commendable that you managed to find the positive aspects of the constant moving in your life. I wish we had heard more about that development in your rather than just having it mentioned in a few sentence in the final paragraph. I believe that with every paragraph you discussed, you should have discussed a positive side along with the negative. It is important to show that you are a logical person who understands the world he lives in and realizes that he can make a change in it in the future. There are hints of that personality in the latter portions of your essay that you can develop. While there are grammar errors to be corrected, these are quite minimal and do not affect the overall content of the essay. I would advice you to revise the content of the essay before concentrating on the grammar since the words you use will definitely change and will require further editing as you work on the essay. For example


, should actually be read or structured as "Some people may say it is my loss, but I believe it's my gain. "

Undergraduate / University of California Personal Statement: What is your intended major? [2]

Tarou, there is room for improvement in your essay regardless of what the prompt you are trying to answer is. Are you only being asked about what you intended major is? If so, I believe that we can further improve the essay by adding some information to it about your plans for your future as an engineer. We can actually a fourth paragraph tat could detail your plans as an engineer in the future. What do you look forward to building and why? How will studying this major help you achieve that ambition? Do you have a personal connection with the reason behind your plans to become an engineer? Perhaps you want to build the ultimate skateboarding ramp, or a car whose motor never requires maintenance. Something so far fetched at present that would seem achievable in the future should be the reason behind your major. If you like my suggestions, try to revise the essay along those lines then I will help you edit it to best suit the prompt :-)

Undergraduate / teenagers think that they are invincible - "About Me"- Georgetown Admissions Essay [2]

Nicole, the problem with re-purposed essays is that important elements of the original essay get lost in the rephrasing of the paragraphs. In this case, your introduction carried on too long and when you finally got the point, you missed out on telling us what the diagnosis you received was. Rather than talking about raging hormones and feelings of invincibility within teenagers in general terms, talk about you instead. How did you view death before? The rest of the essay relating to the diagnosis is good enough but can still be worked on regarding content. You want to let us know about your self determination to survive this illness, what you had to go through during treatment, and how you managed to survive this very trying time in your life. Tell us how it has changed your outlook about life and how you live it. Show us how you learned about your vulnerability and ability to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles. That is what will make this essay the best that it can be and offer the admissions officer an insight into the kind of person you have become due to your life trials. Would it be possible for you to post your original essay here? Maybe I can help you better re-purpose the essay if I can see the original :-)

Undergraduate / Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college [18]

That certainly explains a lot about the scholarship award Azucena. I suggest that you clarify that point in your essay because right now, there is a gap between winning the award in high school and your college needs. Insert the sentence right after you mention winning the award so that the reader will know exactly why and how the prize helped you in achieving your college dreams. That is the only paragraph that you need to fix in this whole essay as far as I can tell. We might be able to adjust the essay some more after you add this sentence. Just so we can be sure it flows well with the rest of the essay :-)

Undergraduate / I was short listed among the best twelve students that participated in the competition [9]

Adeyemi, extra curricular activities are activities that you participate in outside of an academic setting. things that you do to relax, pass the time, de-stress, or generally, just take your mind off your academic requirements is considered an extra curricular activity. It is something else you do in your life aside from study. Some good examples of extra curricular activities are volunteering to help those less fortunate than you, developing your hobbies (pottery, stamp or coin collecting, baking, cooking, etc.), participating in sports like swimming, walking your dog, helping out in charitable organizations, and the like. I hope these examples give you a clear idea of what extra curricular activities are and the kind of personality development that can come out of it for you :-)

Undergraduate / I was short listed among the best twelve students that participated in the competition [9]

Adeyemi, the first problem with your essay is that you do not clearly state what kind of activity you participated in and why. You must state the activity and the reasons you were attracted to it. After that, you should develop another paragraph that explains how you have developed as a person and what other unique benefits you gained from your participation in this activity. Make sure to explain its relation to your current major if such a connection exists.

This current essay does not tell us anything that explains your extra curricular or volunteer activity. Rather, it is discussing an activity that you participated in without offering a clear explanation to the reader as to why you were engaged in this activity in the first place. It also sounds more academic in requirements that extra curricular. You might want to think about whether this is a real extra curricular activity that you enjoy which just happens to be related to your field of academic interest. I would suggest that you try to show another side to your personality using this prompt by showing that you enjoy doing other fun activities that do not necessarily have an academic inclination.

Undergraduate / Food matters to me; I enjoy savoring the taste of a freshly cooked meal - Stanford essay [4]

- Since you already mention that food has a story to tell, you can include a transition sentence here that will bring the reader into your visit to Boston and the friendship you developed with Vanessa through food. By writing it in that manner, the short paragraph will not be noticed anymore. It will be transition paragraph instead and thus not need further development.

I believe that you can and should develop the story of the friendships that you made through food because it shows the actual importance of food to you on an international and personal level. The story about your family gathered around the food, that is so commonplace already that it adds nothing of value to your essay. The story with Vanessa however, if properly developed, can be the solid foundation and hook that your essay needs to become a successful piece of written work.

Writing Feedback / Do you support or oppose with the plan of the a new restaurant? TOEFL independent task [4]

Ronei, there is actually a simpler way to write your essay. Just remember the IBC rule of essay writing: Introduction - Body- Conclusion. When you discuss in a time limited essay, you need to limit your essay to 3 paragraphs in order to better use the available time. Write the introduction that contains your restated prompt, point of view to be discussed in the essay, and your personal opinion (if required).

When you write the body of the paragraph, use only one reason and fully develop that reason within 3-5 sentences. This will allow you to have enough room to edit and revise the essay later on. This paragraph body should contain the common discussion of the reasons supporting a particular stance in the essay. After developing that common argument, you can move on to your personal opinion on the matter if necessary.

Your personal opinion should clearly explain why you support a particular stance on the matter and how you feel about it. Use any examples that you can to enhance your reasoning. There are times when a personal experience can bring great improvement and supporting evidence to such personal reasons or statements so take advantage of such opportunities whenever you can.

As for the conclusion, you simply need to wrap up the essay by presenting your restated prompt again, a summary of the points discussed, and a restatement of your opinion. There is no need to present new ideas in the conclusion, in fact, it is frowned upon in the TOEFL test. You can then use the remaining time to review your essay and further improve points where you feel that can be done or change certain paragraphs to suit your needs. Proofreading is also done within the remaining time.

Please try to revise the essay using the advice I just gave you. Compare it to your current version and you should see a good change in the way that you write. Post it here so that we can continue to work on the improvement of your English writing skills together :-)

Undergraduate / Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college [18]


- Math helped me grow...


- ... I had to participate in...



- ... seniors who showed ...


- There is something wrong in the way you are expressing your intentions in this sentence. Can you tell me what it is that you are truly trying to say and I will do my best to put it into the proper word format? You were in high school at the time, so how did the scholarship help you buy college supplies?

Graduate / Without continual growth and progress - improvement, achievement, and success terms have no meaning. [5]

Dan, is this supposed to be a statement of purpose or letter of intent for graduate school? Is there a chance that a prompt was provided to you for this essay? The information you provide in this essay is very intricately detailed that I believe some of it can actually be deleted without affecting the overall feel and message of the essay. However, I cannot say that for sure because I am not yet clear as to what kind of essay you are trying to write at this point. The essay contains enough information for a personal statement, can sound like a statement of purpose, or refer to your intentions for attending graduate school. So I would appreciate a point in the right direction before I start to advice you regarding the content of the essay.

Scholarship / school was a pretty big challenge for me and my parents; Household information and Statement of need [3]

Leonard, the essay has provided enough information to learn about the struggles that you faced in completing your primary and secondary education. However, it feels overly dramatic and repetitive as you keep on mentioning how difficult it was for you to get to school. Rather than discussing your primary educational difficulties, go directly to your secondary school information instead. This will remove the redundancy related to the story about your transportation and financial problems in relation to your education. You just need to mention that your parents are your main financial supporters and that without the scholarship for college, you will be unable to complete your tertiary (college) education. Remove the stories about your primary education struggles and simply concentrate on your secondary education because high school is more closely related to the potential success or failure of your college ambitions. Can you try to revise the essay to make it shorter? Merge some sentences and paragraphs and remove the ones that just act as word count requirement fillers. That way the essay will be easier to read and hopefully, lessen the dramatics by simply stating the facts related to your quest to complete your education.

Writing Feedback / The best form of care for the elderly depends on the family situation [4]

This is definitely better than the first one Pham. I am just wondering if you cannot be discussing more in this essay. You have already discussed both sides of the issue but your opinion on the matter would definitely bring an extra boost to the essay. I do not know why but I just feel like this essay is craving for your personal opinion in one of the paragraphs. Is there any chance that your personal opinion is also being requested for in the original essay prompt? By adding your voice or personal opinion on the matter, one of the two sides that you discussed will become the predominant side and therefore, be the winning side in this sort of argumentative essay. Can you try to write the essay with your voice/personal opinion thrown in? Let's see if it will flow better that way :-)

Undergraduate / Generally, being a Ballerina equates to having an unhealthy obsession with your body [6]

Hadeel, this works as an extra curricular prompt essay. The only concern that I have about it is that you seem to be more concerned about the image of the ballerina in the public eye rather than presenting the way that this extra curricular activity has helped transform you as a person and helped to bring you to new heights of maturity in relation to your goals and ambitions in life. It is my belief that if you could skip the reference to "Black Swan" and merely approached the essay from your personal point of view, explaining the aforementioned topics, the whole paper would have better continuity, a smoother flow, and be more interesting to read. Remember, the paper should be about your participation in this activity. The opinion of other people should not be a factor in this discussion. It is also too short for an EC essay. Try to provide at least 250 words for the essay. There is room to develop any ideas or stories that you wish to present, utilize it and make sure that it helps to bring an exciting energy to your otherwise lackluster essay.

Scholarship / Sustainable Forest and Nature Management masters course [2]

Maria, a word of advice, concentrate on presenting the need for your advanced studies based upon your current work experience rather than falling back on a reference to work experience you did when you were 19, and a volunteer as that, because it does not really impress the reader to know such things. Instead, you should be highlighting your current career path and discussing any and all accomplishments that you have within the field. The essay itself already presents a solid view of yourself as a potential student. You have represented yourself, your reasons for advanced studies, and your desires or future goals very well. There is just a need to improve upon your professional image by removing any references to work or volunteer work you did while still in college. Remember, you need to impress the admissions officer with your current work experience, what you did in school no longer counts. As a masters degree student, you are already a seasoned professional in the line of work that you have chosen. That is what the reader wants to know about because that will prove that you have the potential, need, and ability to complete your advanced studies.

Writing Feedback / Do you support or oppose with the plan of the a new restaurant? TOEFL independent task [4]

Ronei, while your English grammar is far from perfect, you have managed to impress me with your ability to put your thoughts into words. The sense of reasoning that you provided in this essay shows that you clearly understand the requirements of the prompt and adding your personal experience as a reference point is something that made the line of reasoning even more effective. It is nice that you were able to present a complete introduction that represented the thesis, points to be discussed,and your point of view in an interesting manner. That said, I have to tell you that even with the existing grammar problems in your essay, if this were a real TOEFL test, you would have scored very well owing to the evidence of proper reading and comprehension skills on your part as a test taker. The grammar portion definitely needs work in order to get it polished but everything else about the essay is fine. Do you want me to show you how you can further improve this essay as an example of how you can better use English grammar to present your arguments? One other thing, the conclusion became weak because you were not able to properly restate the prompt, summarize the facts, and present your opinion at the end. That is negligible though since the overall content of the essay adhered to the prompt :-)

Undergraduate / Going abroad, my lifelong dream [3]

Melati, I am very sad to say that you did not answer the prompt at all. Going abroad to study is not the point of the essay. The point of the essay is to present the admissions officer with a brief yet informative idea as to what kind of community or family that you come from. By presenting these types of information, the reader will be able to get an idea of the kind of influences that have helped to shape the person you have become. The information that you gave belongs to a different common app prompt.

Right now, what you need to do is write a new essay that better addresses the prompt and allows you to truly give us an idea of the world that you come from, the people with you in that world, and how that particular world influenced your dreams and ambitions in the process. A reference to the internet and the world of science is not the correct answer to this prompt. There are other essays at this forum that answer the same prompt which you can use as an example or template for when you write the new version of this essay. I suggest that you use the opportunity offered by being a member of this forum :-)

Undergraduate / "The Light Bulb that spoke volumes", Main common app essay Mount Holyoke, Kalamazoo applicant [2]

Enjila, the essay is quite informative and engaging. I specially like how you involve the senses of the reader in the story telling. You encourage us to imagine ourselves on the adventure with you. Showing rather than telling us what went on in your life which led to your change in character. The inspiration behind your goals become truly evident as one reaches the middle of the essay where everything important takes place. I would advice you to better develop your concluding paragraph as well. Right now, it is the only weak aspect of your essay because the ideas presented remain under developed and in need to further development in order to become highly relevant to the other important aspects of the essay :-)

Undergraduate / Generally, being a Ballerina equates to having an unhealthy obsession with your body [6]

Hadeel, why have you structured the essay in this manner? What question are you trying to pose an answer to? You seem to be discussing two separate topics within the same essay. One is the body issue related to being a ballerina, and the other, are the positive reasons for being a ballerina. Are you supposed to be writing a comparison essay? Or is this for a common app to a specific university? Can you share the prompt with us if that is the case? Right now, the essay is quite informative but I am not really sure if it answers the given prompt properly since I do not have any idea what the prompt is at this point. I can however, say that the essay works in a manner of speaking. When considered an introduction to the world of ballet, then the essay works very well :-)

Undergraduate / The true and harsh reality is most students want immediate success without the necessary effort. [2]

Patrick, does the personal statement has a specific prompt that you are trying to address with this essay? You seem to be taking the personal statement in many directions all at once, causing it to have a transition problem in terms of paragraph structure. It is also quite short for a personal statement. The ideas that you present are just that, presented, but not discussed thoroughly. Which makes the essay seem less informative than it should be. Changes should be made to reflect a more specific direction for your personal statement and also to allow you the opportunity to better develop the content of the essay. Remember, it is better to discuss only one or two ideas in an essay than to try to discuss all of your sentiments all at once, thus leaving the admissions officer wondering as to where you really want to go with the essay. I hope you can revise this essay soon so that we can further work on the development of its content :-)

Letters / Recommendation Letter for Interactive Media / Games. [2]

I edited the post to give it a tighter and more informative feel. Let's see if it will work well for you :-)

Having worked with XXX over the past year as her supervisor, I am privileged to recommend her for acceptance into your institution. She is an exceptional young lady whose self learning ability and collaborative spirit works well with her extreme intelligence and insightfulness.

Her ability to learn intricate programs and languages such as Javascript and PHP within a few months, mastering them within a year, has helped to highlight her natural interaction design gift as a student of Industrial Design. Her curiosity and desire to learn how to design games caused her to recently donate her summer vacation towards learning Unity 3D. Working with other students, she proved to have a communicative and collaborative soul that places the completion of the project above any personal ambitions she may have vested in the project.

It is because of my believe in her ability to redefine the videogaming industry as we know it that I highly recommend that she be considered for a student slot at your university during the upcoming term. I am sure her potential and abilities will continue to grow in your program.

Scholarship / My four years plans essay when I lose this scholarship [6]

Adeyemi, your essay does not answer the prompt at all. Rather than talking about your academic history, you should have been discussing the plans that you have in case you do not win the scholarship. Meaning you have to tell the reader what exactly your plans are in case you have to pay your way through college. What will it be like for you? How difficult will it be for you to complete your studies without the scholarship? How do you see yourself accomplishing your goal of completing a college degree within that time frame? Would it be possible? Will it take you longer? Do you have any back up plans for enrollment (do not say you are applying to other scholarships. That will be bad for your application) in case you don't get the financing you need from this scholarship foundation? These are but some of the questions that you can and should answer in your essay. These are the responses that they are looking for. I hope you can revise the essay to fit the guide questions I supplied to you. I will help you redirect the essay towards the proper outcome if you will work with me on it :-)

Undergraduate / "Mom, why are we moving again?" I lost count on how many times I've said this phrase over the years [5]

Timmy, the essay itself is great. It truly touches on the essay prompt. There are a few issues that need to be resolved aside from the grammar problems though. First of all, the essay discusses your parents and siblings too much. Instead of concentrating on how the constant moving affected you and your development as a person. Do you think that you can redirect the essay to instead focus on the way you were affected by the constant moving? Let us know from the very start that you were constantly moving because your father was often laid off from his job. Then dive into a discussion of how the constant moving helped you positively to develop as a person. What lessons did you learn from living in so many areas? How did it affect the point of view you developed in relation to family dynamics and friendships? This is the world that you have to describe to us in this essay. If you can revise the essay content, we should be able to better correct the grammar issues afterwards :-)

Graduate / 'to find a bigger audience' - LETTER OF INTENT FOR GRADUATE SCHOOL [3]


- Berenice, I will be honest with you and tell you that your letter of intent for graduate school does not work the way it is supposed to. That is because you have not provided any true information regarding your interest in masters studies. You used the first few paragraphs to talk about your back story instead. In a letter of intent, you need to immediately inform the admissions officer about the reasons behind your desire to enroll in their school. That is why I separated the paragraph above. That is the immediate answer and basis of your letter of intent. Throw away all the other paragraphs and revise your essay, concentrating on developing the content of this paragraph.

Remember, there are only 4 questions that should be your guide in writing this letter:
1. Why do you want to enroll in graduate school?
2. What are your professional experiences relevant to the need for advanced studies?
3. What academic foundation do you have to claim success in this field?
4. What are your long and short term plans for your future career after graduation?

Undergraduate / Favorite Film: Frozen, Music: A Sailboat of Time (FANA), Musician: MOT (eAeon) - UChicago Supplement [2]

Hyunsu, your essay has a formatting issue. You are not supposed to discuss these themes as individual topics. You are supposed to write a free flowing essay that will allow you to transition from one topic to another seamlessly. The current format of the essay is chunky and really leaves the essays under developed and choppy content wise. You don't have to discuss all of the themes presented in the essay prompt. If I were you, I would choose to discuss only one topic. The one that I most identify with so that I can best discuss the reasons behind why that particular topic is my favorite. It will say a lot more about your personality to discuss only one highly developed theme rather than partially discussing all of the themes. Could you try to choose a topic and concentrate on developing only that interest? Then compare it to this current essay. You should see a change in the two essays in terms of theme development and discussion. You may want to try writing the essay that way instead.

Undergraduate / Elisa the Laptop- Story of someone in my life who is different from me, yet have learned from. [4]

Samantha, I must point out that you have not answered the essay prompt at all. Just giving your laptop a name does not make it a person. The essay prompt clearly states that you must discuss your relationship with a person, not a thing. Therefore, you need to throw away this essay and write a new one, this time based upon your relationship with a person who is not a family member. It can be anybody from a friend, a school nemesis / enemy, a parental figure, or anybody whom you interact with daily with whom you do not share anything in common. Discuss how these differences still make you think of this person as someone who has a positive influence upon you. Spin it into a positive situation. That is what the essay wants you to do. Prove that you can learn lessons from the difference that exists between people. Again, people not inanimate objects. People, not items. Just people, human beings, not electrical or technological gadgets.

Undergraduate / The wait is finally over. Its graduation day - becoming an adult person [2]

James, this is a unique essay regarding transitioning to adulthood. I doubt that there will be another essay like this in the bunch. It truly holds the readers interest and shows a definite transition in stages on your part. That said, I believe that the word count can still be brought down. Let me try to do that for you below.

Despite my father's countless endeavors to fend off, leukemia got the better of him. It was a devastating blow for an eleven year old boy to cope with. Never was I granted the luxury of a father-to-son talk nor was there an intimate father figure to look up to. Devoid of a dad, I wasn't properly educated about the steps involved in growing up. Enlisting in the ROKA (Republic of Korean Army) not only answered these questions I had about becoming an adult, but also served as a threshold to attain qualities to become just that.

Wearing the ROKA uniform offered me firsthand experience on establishing leadership and embracing the responsibilities that entails such title. During the initial stage of private, I was entrusted with a K-2 rifle, a symbol of immense power which demanded precision and discipline. Moving up the ladder, more responsibilities were placed on my shoulders. As corporal, I was assigned to supervise the supply warehouse where distribution and replenishment of costly mechanic parts were conducted in a systematic manner. Soon after being promoted to sergeant, I was named squad leader of a seven-man team. I strove to excel in every facet so that I could lead them by example. My dedication and affection towards the squad not only won their utmost respect but furthermore acted as a catalyst of uniting the crew regardless of our differences.

Narcissism and ego, once characterized by my boyhood, gradually forged into humility and appreciation. I recognized the value of prioritizing the need of others ahead of mine for the greater good. Meanwhile, the deplorable condition and hostile nature of military life gave me a sense of gratitude for everything. Routines such as having to sleep in crammed barracks reminded me of the loving home I took for granted all these years. Slowly but surely, I witnessed the self-evident maturation taking place.

Twenty months have passed since the Recruit Training graduation. Currently, my rank is sergeant and I hold the position of Unit Supply Specialist for the Armored-Reconnaissance Battalion of the 11th division. Even now, I guard my post during the frigid winter nights honorably to protect my family from exterior threats so that they may sleep with serenity. I have now grown to recognize that my services for my country and loved ones are retrospective of all the previous sacrifices my mother made to secure my auspicious future which I'm eternally indebted to. In hindsight, the military experience was an agonizing, but at the same time, a necessary building block for me to move onto adulthood.

This version is 426 and I believe that it concentrates more on the important aspects surrounding your transition to adulthood in terms of military and social importance. I hope you agree with my suggested changes :-)

Undergraduate / The shining suit made me feel like the smartest person on our planet - Engineering for philantropy [2]

Lalit, what prompt are you trying to answer? The story you are telling seems to have a point that is getting lost in translation. So if we knew what the topic you are trying to answer is, we can better edit the grammar problems of the essay. There are numerous grammar problems existing in its current form but I always believe in making sure that the essay is properly addressing the prompt before making any grammatical corrections. The reason being that the content and theme of the essay is still subject to change after we find out what the prompt is so it is best to save the major advice until after we know how the essay should look and discuss the topic. Please provide the prompt so that we can better tailor the advice to your requirements :-)

Undergraduate / News was scrolling down the computer screen, announcing the situation of economy crisis in Britain [2]

Ada, while your essay is quite interesting to read, it does not respond to the prompt in the correct manner. The prompt is asking you to describe the world you come from and how it shaped your dreams and aspirations. Talking about the Model U.N. club that you founded does not really answer that prompt because you discussed world politics in general. That is not the world that you come from. You should be talking about something that better shows how your character traits were developed and why. It would have been better for your essay if you discussed the stories that your parents told you about. These are the stories that you grew up on and helped to shape your outlook in life and the person that you have become. That is the story that is sure to answer the essay prompt in a big way as well.