ershad193
Jul 9, 2010
Faq, Help / I want to express deep gratitude; letter of acknowledgment to EssayForum participants [8]
Hey that's pretty cool. Good luck for future.
Hey that's pretty cool. Good luck for future.
ershad193
Jul 9, 2010
ershad193
Jul 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "to fit the expectations of others" uc- Being a twin [3]
Hi Mayra
Great essay. I can't really find anything to criticize.
The one and only point I lost track slightly was when you talk about high school. I didn't understand how you got over your defensive phase.
This is great.
Hi Mayra
Great essay. I can't really find anything to criticize.
The one and only point I lost track slightly was when you talk about high school. I didn't understand how you got over your defensive phase.
The most important thing I realized though was that there's always going to be a Ricky
This is great.
ershad193
Jul 9, 2010
Writing Feedback / GRE (Analysis of an argument): Handing over security job of a company to a group [8]
The following appeared as a part of plan being discussed at the meeting of the Security department of Omax Industries
"In order to effectively take over the security threats to our installations, it is recommended that our company hire services from Tough Securities. Tough Securities boasts of more than 2000 personnel on the roll. More than 40% of their security guards are ex-defence personnel and most have been effectively manning the two installations of Wilroy Oil Industries. Mr. David Smith, CEO of Tough Securities has agreed to offer a discount of 14% to our company for the current year."
Security of its installations is one of the prime concerns of any company. A company cannot run properly if its employees always fear for their safety, or if the owners are constantly worried about the state of their equipments. However, the decision taken by Omax Industries to let Tough Securities take over its security concerns without considering all the facts may lead to harmful lapses.
Firstly, the statement does not mention anything about the arms used by Tough Securities. A lack of state-of-the-art equipments may negate the advantages of having large personnel numbers. Also, employing a small may result in better communication and coordination among the guards; a fact often demonstrated by the effectiveness of the small units in Special Forces.
Secondly, it is not clear as to whether Tough Securities have handled jobs similar to the one required in Omax Industries. Working in an incompatible environment may require some adjustment time. But, there is no room for such delays in a security job.
One final point that weakens the argument is the fact that there is no data regarding the ages of the personnel. It is admirable that more than one third of the force is made up of defence personnel. But it doesn't hide the reality that a physically unfit force, however trained, cannot cope with the rigors of the aforementioned job.
Handing over the security responsibilities to Tough Securities may turn out to be the best decision taken by Omax Industries. However, before conclusions are taken, the group's background and suitability must be properly investigated. After all, partial knowledge often spawns trouble.
The following appeared as a part of plan being discussed at the meeting of the Security department of Omax Industries
"In order to effectively take over the security threats to our installations, it is recommended that our company hire services from Tough Securities. Tough Securities boasts of more than 2000 personnel on the roll. More than 40% of their security guards are ex-defence personnel and most have been effectively manning the two installations of Wilroy Oil Industries. Mr. David Smith, CEO of Tough Securities has agreed to offer a discount of 14% to our company for the current year."
Security of its installations is one of the prime concerns of any company. A company cannot run properly if its employees always fear for their safety, or if the owners are constantly worried about the state of their equipments. However, the decision taken by Omax Industries to let Tough Securities take over its security concerns without considering all the facts may lead to harmful lapses.
Firstly, the statement does not mention anything about the arms used by Tough Securities. A lack of state-of-the-art equipments may negate the advantages of having large personnel numbers. Also, employing a small may result in better communication and coordination among the guards; a fact often demonstrated by the effectiveness of the small units in Special Forces.
Secondly, it is not clear as to whether Tough Securities have handled jobs similar to the one required in Omax Industries. Working in an incompatible environment may require some adjustment time. But, there is no room for such delays in a security job.
One final point that weakens the argument is the fact that there is no data regarding the ages of the personnel. It is admirable that more than one third of the force is made up of defence personnel. But it doesn't hide the reality that a physically unfit force, however trained, cannot cope with the rigors of the aforementioned job.
Handing over the security responsibilities to Tough Securities may turn out to be the best decision taken by Omax Industries. However, before conclusions are taken, the group's background and suitability must be properly investigated. After all, partial knowledge often spawns trouble.
ershad193
Jul 9, 2010
Faq, Help / Essay Forum Appreciation Thread [14]
Hey guys
I got my IELTS score today. I scored 8 out of 9. My writing score was 7.5 (why didn't I join this forum six months back?), which is all right. Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone associated with this site; the mods (esp. Kevin) and the members.
I'd advise all the non-native speakers to keep posting their essays. You'll improve pretty quickly.
Cheers!!!
Hey guys
I got my IELTS score today. I scored 8 out of 9. My writing score was 7.5 (why didn't I join this forum six months back?), which is all right. Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone associated with this site; the mods (esp. Kevin) and the members.
I'd advise all the non-native speakers to keep posting their essays. You'll improve pretty quickly.
Cheers!!!
ershad193
Jul 8, 2010
Graduate / "My medical aspirations" - Personal statement for graduate entry medicine [11]
Hi again!
Wait for sometime. Kevin or Susan will help you out. In the meantime, I can give you one more suggestion.
Your essay has little hints of some incidents of your life, but you never elaborate them. For example, the one in the first paragraph. Here, I felt like you were going to describe the experience and how exactly it affected your outlook, but you end it there. Pick an incident and tell the reader about it.
My personal statement is nearly complete, take a look at that one:
Hi again!
Wait for sometime. Kevin or Susan will help you out. In the meantime, I can give you one more suggestion.
Your essay has little hints of some incidents of your life, but you never elaborate them. For example, the one in the first paragraph. Here, I felt like you were going to describe the experience and how exactly it affected your outlook, but you end it there. Pick an incident and tell the reader about it.
My personal statement is nearly complete, take a look at that one:
ershad193
Jul 8, 2010
Writing Feedback / Replacement of the president of a company because of low profits (GRE argument) [3]
Don't offer your opinion. Just point out the loopholes.
I have to agree with Azeri that you have repeated the same point twice.
Instead of firing the president of the company, a sincere effort needs to be put up to revamp the support staff.
Don't offer your opinion. Just point out the loopholes.
I have to agree with Azeri that you have repeated the same point twice.
ershad193
Jul 7, 2010
Writing Feedback / The Odyssey Years, drifting through life without a tangible goal in mind [11]
Hey thanks
You know, I did ponder for a while as to whether I should put "mean" or "means". But your sentence is better.
I'll try to remember the number agreement.
Hey thanks
You know, I did ponder for a while as to whether I should put "mean" or "means". But your sentence is better.
I'll try to remember the number agreement.
ershad193
Jul 7, 2010
Graduate / "My medical aspirations" - Personal statement for graduate entry medicine [11]
Well, your writing is good; grammatically astute and easily understandable. I like the fact that all your paragraphs are built around the same central theme.
I forgot one point. Why didn't you include a para on the institution, explaining why you want to attend that particular one and how it will help you achieve your goals?
Well, your writing is good; grammatically astute and easily understandable. I like the fact that all your paragraphs are built around the same central theme.
I forgot one point. Why didn't you include a para on the institution, explaining why you want to attend that particular one and how it will help you achieve your goals?
ershad193
Jul 7, 2010
Graduate / "My medical aspirations" - Personal statement for graduate entry medicine [11]
Hi Ellen
You need hyphens here
face-to-face, hands-on, people-centric
What do you mean by the phrase, "professional development"? It seems vague.
You have already said that nicely in the first paragraph. No need to repeat it.
Instead of the second sentence, you can put the "..maturity, level headedness..." line and also include some of the social skills you mentioned. This reduces the word count and makes the previous statement stronger.
By the way, you seem really courageous. Even some Indians are afraid of going to Jammu & Kashmir, which is sad.
Good luck!
Hi Ellen
You need hyphens here
face-to-face, hands-on, people-centric
Within a year I began to crave professional development
What do you mean by the phrase, "professional development"? It seems vague.
coupled with my drive for scientific knowledge resulted in medicine emerging as a clear and natural winner.
You have already said that nicely in the first paragraph. No need to repeat it.
I learnt that hospitals aren't glamorous, are often heart wrenching, and that being a doctor requires an immense amount of applied and social skill. I also learnt that those skills were in line with my own innate aptitudes and disposition.
Instead of the second sentence, you can put the "..maturity, level headedness..." line and also include some of the social skills you mentioned. This reduces the word count and makes the previous statement stronger.
By the way, you seem really courageous. Even some Indians are afraid of going to Jammu & Kashmir, which is sad.
Good luck!
ershad193
Jul 7, 2010
Writing Feedback / The increasingly rapid pace of life today causes more problems than it solves. [5]
Three points
1) You have used the example of "financial ability/status", more than once; i.e. repetition.
2) Incorporate a couple of arguments against your opinion, and then try to prove that your opinion is advantageous/better.
3) I'm not sure about the child example. Children are not, and have never been, affected by the pace of life. Hence, it doesn't strengthen your argument.
Three points
1) You have used the example of "financial ability/status", more than once; i.e. repetition.
2) Incorporate a couple of arguments against your opinion, and then try to prove that your opinion is advantageous/better.
3) I'm not sure about the child example. Children are not, and have never been, affected by the pace of life. Hence, it doesn't strengthen your argument.
ershad193
Jul 6, 2010
Graduate / Graduate entry Statement Writing (mentioning professors names, jargon, major, sign [4]
I am about to apply to grad school as well, and I don't know any better than you do. So, the following are just my opinions:
Yes, especially, if you have done some research work under their supervision. Also, if the prompt asks you to tell about someone who inspired you, then you have to name them.
Not necessary if you are including your CV.
Yep. The person reading it will be quite familiar with the subject and its terms.
Same as above.
Yes.
By the way, I like your username :D
I am about to apply to grad school as well, and I don't know any better than you do. So, the following are just my opinions:
1.Is it alright to mention Professors names whom have helped you/ you look up to / you worked with in your SOP?
Yes, especially, if you have done some research work under their supervision. Also, if the prompt asks you to tell about someone who inspired you, then you have to name them.
2.Should I state what University I am coming from in the statement or does that matter?
Not necessary if you are including your CV.
3. Is it alright to use major specific jargon? (i.e. nihonjinron, sankinkotai, samurai, daibutsu, etc)
Yep. The person reading it will be quite familiar with the subject and its terms.
4. Should I assume that the reader knows about the major I am applying for and therefore not need to explain certain things (like the jargon above)? Or should I write like they know what I am saying?
Same as above.
5. Should I sign the botton of it?
Yes.
By the way, I like your username :D
ershad193
Jul 6, 2010
Undergraduate / Help with writing a career goals essay for Recording and Music Production school [5]
You know Andrea, some people search all their lives for a career in which they are happy. What will happen if you go to Madison and find out that you are not happy? Think about it. Say something concrete, something specific. For example, you could say that you want a career as a ______ ______ in the music industry.
My goal for the future is to be happy no matter what I choose to do.
You know Andrea, some people search all their lives for a career in which they are happy. What will happen if you go to Madison and find out that you are not happy? Think about it. Say something concrete, something specific. For example, you could say that you want a career as a ______ ______ in the music industry.
ershad193
Jul 6, 2010
Writing Feedback / Increased sales of leisure items. GRE(argument) [3]
This is a good point. Although, you can state it in a different way... That is, the average household income can also rise if the rich earn more than they did in the past. In that case, the average may not indicate the purchasing power of the actual consumers of the megamart.
The other points are pertinent. An additional point maybe the fact that, the trend has taken place over a very short period i.e. three years.
You are definitely getting better with each essay. Good luck with your GRE. I'm also thinking about taking it this August.
P.S. Why don't you post the GRE (Analysis of an issue) essay?
The average household income in the country might have risen significantly over the past three years. But this gives just the average value.
This is a good point. Although, you can state it in a different way... That is, the average household income can also rise if the rich earn more than they did in the past. In that case, the average may not indicate the purchasing power of the actual consumers of the megamart.
The other points are pertinent. An additional point maybe the fact that, the trend has taken place over a very short period i.e. three years.
You are definitely getting better with each essay. Good luck with your GRE. I'm also thinking about taking it this August.
P.S. Why don't you post the GRE (Analysis of an issue) essay?
ershad193
Jul 5, 2010
Writing Feedback / GRE: argument51: antibiotics, a part of treatment for muscle strain patients?? [4]
Good job. Excellent points. You've found most of the flaws in the argument.
Another point would be -- a significant decision like the one mentioned by the author cannot be taken based on a single study. There must be multiple experiments and the reports should be peer-reviewed.
However, you have some grammatical errors. I know these can creep in when you are writing under time constraints, but you should make an effort to minimize them.
Good job. Excellent points. You've found most of the flaws in the argument.
Another point would be -- a significant decision like the one mentioned by the author cannot be taken based on a single study. There must be multiple experiments and the reports should be peer-reviewed.
However, you have some grammatical errors. I know these can creep in when you are writing under time constraints, but you should make an effort to minimize them.
ershad193
Jul 5, 2010
Grammar, Usage / General writing advice: Addressing the audience [7]
Hi everybody!
**For the sake of simplicity, let's term my next few lines as advice(s). Actually, I'm not sure what they are. **
The advice I am going to give doesn't just apply to English, but to other languages as well. I can say this because I am fluent in three Indian languages viz. Hindi, Bengali and Assamese. Additionally, I know some Sanskrit and passable Urdu (I can read Arabic but that doesn't count as I don't understand it). All these languages have taught me the importance of addressing the audience appropriately. So, the advice is about how to communicate with people who have varying levels of knowledge, intelligence and grasp of language.
We know from our everyday knowledge that, we have to vary our vocabulary, sentence structure and tone to suit the person who is listening. We do not use the same linguistic range when addressing children, as we do with adults. On the other hand, we don't use a patronizing tone when talking to our parents, as we use with our younger siblings. This convention can be applied to writing as well.
Take the example of a technical school/college essay. When I write such an essay, I already know that the person who is going to read it, i.e. the professor, knows a lot more about the topic than me. So, in most cases, I can be creative with the language. I can use all the terms associated with the subject, fancy words, complex structures, metaphors...blah, blah, blah. But if such an essay is fed to my neighborhood guy who studies art, he will either stick it up my backside or gulp it and flush it down his toilet (I may be wrong, but I wouldn't risk it).
Hence, it is advisable to first assess the capacity of the audience before communicating with them, irrespective of written or spoken means. Some people think that if they don't express themselves at the peak of their abilities, their stature will be downgraded. This is a wrong notion. When we use simple words and sentences to address someone with inferior knowledge/intelligence/linguistic ability, we just demonstrate our versatility. We show that we can adapt to the demands of the reader (this is why I admire people who write Children's literature).
So, how do we do it? We do it the same way as we assess a listener, i.e. by noticing his/her background, intelligence and usage of the language. Therefore, I suggest we should always think about what category of people will be reading our essays/reviews/comments/junk piece like this one, before we actually write it.
**If anyone didn't understand something due to my poor sentence construction/bad grammar etc., please forgive me and if possible suggest corrections**
P.S. I hope that I have addressed the audience properly.
Hi everybody!
**For the sake of simplicity, let's term my next few lines as advice(s). Actually, I'm not sure what they are. **
The advice I am going to give doesn't just apply to English, but to other languages as well. I can say this because I am fluent in three Indian languages viz. Hindi, Bengali and Assamese. Additionally, I know some Sanskrit and passable Urdu (I can read Arabic but that doesn't count as I don't understand it). All these languages have taught me the importance of addressing the audience appropriately. So, the advice is about how to communicate with people who have varying levels of knowledge, intelligence and grasp of language.
We know from our everyday knowledge that, we have to vary our vocabulary, sentence structure and tone to suit the person who is listening. We do not use the same linguistic range when addressing children, as we do with adults. On the other hand, we don't use a patronizing tone when talking to our parents, as we use with our younger siblings. This convention can be applied to writing as well.
Take the example of a technical school/college essay. When I write such an essay, I already know that the person who is going to read it, i.e. the professor, knows a lot more about the topic than me. So, in most cases, I can be creative with the language. I can use all the terms associated with the subject, fancy words, complex structures, metaphors...blah, blah, blah. But if such an essay is fed to my neighborhood guy who studies art, he will either stick it up my backside or gulp it and flush it down his toilet (I may be wrong, but I wouldn't risk it).
Hence, it is advisable to first assess the capacity of the audience before communicating with them, irrespective of written or spoken means. Some people think that if they don't express themselves at the peak of their abilities, their stature will be downgraded. This is a wrong notion. When we use simple words and sentences to address someone with inferior knowledge/intelligence/linguistic ability, we just demonstrate our versatility. We show that we can adapt to the demands of the reader (this is why I admire people who write Children's literature).
So, how do we do it? We do it the same way as we assess a listener, i.e. by noticing his/her background, intelligence and usage of the language. Therefore, I suggest we should always think about what category of people will be reading our essays/reviews/comments/junk piece like this one, before we actually write it.
**If anyone didn't understand something due to my poor sentence construction/bad grammar etc., please forgive me and if possible suggest corrections**
P.S. I hope that I have addressed the audience properly.
ershad193
Jul 4, 2010
Undergraduate / 'anything like the Rosen campus' - Why did you choose to apply to UCF? [3]
As I grew older, my obsession with traveling the world entranced me, almost becoming an obsession rather than a passion...what are you trying to say? Maybe, you can use this...As I grew older, my interest in traveling the world became an obsession rather than a passion
But, still, obsession? Isn't it a pejorative? My suggestion would be to use a different word, one which has a positive connotation.
Two important points
1) Say some other things about the university, like, their courses, faculty etc. and I mean some details .You may include the fact that you like the campus but, use fewer words.
2) Mention a specific goal
As I grew older, my obsession with traveling the world entranced me, almost becoming an obsession rather than a passion...what are you trying to say? Maybe, you can use this...As I grew older, my interest in traveling the world became an obsession rather than a passion
But, still, obsession? Isn't it a pejorative? My suggestion would be to use a different word, one which has a positive connotation.
Two important points
1) Say some other things about the university, like, their courses, faculty etc. and I mean some details .You may include the fact that you like the campus but, use fewer words.
2) Mention a specific goal
ershad193
Jul 4, 2010
Graduate / SOP for MS in Computer Science - family of computer and software experts. [8]
This is what I felt:
You say that you want to pursue a master's degree in the first paragraph. But you don't give the actual reasons until the third paragraph. In other words, your second paragraph seems to be wrongly positioned.
Your essay should follow a logical sequence. If I may suggest, you could use the following structure.
- want to take up higher studies
- why?
- your background, to prove you are competent enough
- interests in the selected field and how they relate to the chosen university
- how the university will help to realize your goals (be specific)
- Why should the university select you? (some personal attributes highlighted by extra-curricular activities but, relevant to the essay)
Then again, it is your essay and you can follow any sequence you like. So, take these as suggestions rather than corrections.
This is what I felt:
You say that you want to pursue a master's degree in the first paragraph. But you don't give the actual reasons until the third paragraph. In other words, your second paragraph seems to be wrongly positioned.
Your essay should follow a logical sequence. If I may suggest, you could use the following structure.
- want to take up higher studies
- why?
- your background, to prove you are competent enough
- interests in the selected field and how they relate to the chosen university
- how the university will help to realize your goals (be specific)
- Why should the university select you? (some personal attributes highlighted by extra-curricular activities but, relevant to the essay)
Then again, it is your essay and you can follow any sequence you like. So, take these as suggestions rather than corrections.
ershad193
Jul 4, 2010
Writing Feedback / If you could disappear for a week, where would you go? check the error [5]
If I could disappear for a week, I would like to go to Italy, becausewhy Because it's the most romantic place in the world.
In Italy have has a many places that I'm interested in, for example, Florence, Rome and Venice.
First of all I'll fly all the way to Venice. Cities have been named to which is one of the most romantic one of places in the world. (Use a different sentence, as you have already said that Italy is "romantic" )
It is a city full of boats instead of cars; canals instead of roads.
I'll check in the best hotel there, called the Gritti Palace
In the night time I'll havea little of some cocktail and go on a gondola boat to see all around the city
Next I'll never I won't forget to see the art works from a famous artist of Italy like Leonardo da Vinci or Michelangelo Buonarroti
oh ! I almost forget to I'll also visit 2 of the 7 wonders of the world; the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Colosseum.
The last important thinghere is shopping. I'll do the shopping at Milan and the Spanish Steps.
I think a month will be fine to travelhere there.
If I could disappear for a week, I would like to go to Italy, because
First of all I'll fly all the way to Venice
It is a city full of boats instead of cars; canals instead of roads.
I'll check in the best hotel there, called the Gritti Palace
In the night time I'll have
The last important thing
I think a month will be fine to travel
ershad193
Jul 3, 2010
Writing Feedback / If Exceed's walls could talk, what would they tell? [3]
If the institute's name is Exceed, then the apostrophe should come before the s , i.e. Exceed's. On the other hand, if the name is Exceeds, then the apostrophe comes after the s , i.e Exceeds'. In any case, you should consult a dictionary or a grammar book to learn the usage of the apostrophe. (Googling will also do)
They are solid, strong, and tough;however and, they can watch every single thing
They would reveal some of the wrong behaviors of the teachers towards the students.
...and ignore the rest of students for obscuregoals reasons
There are a few problems with your punctuation. I use a very easy technique to find out where commas are needed. I just say the sentence aloud; wherever there is a pause, I put a comma. But, before using this, you should know where semi-colon is used.
:) :D
If the institute's name is Exceed, then the apostrophe should come before the s , i.e. Exceed's. On the other hand, if the name is Exceeds, then the apostrophe comes after the s , i.e Exceeds'. In any case, you should consult a dictionary or a grammar book to learn the usage of the apostrophe. (Googling will also do)
They are solid, strong, and tough;
They would reveal some of the wrong behavior
...and ignore the rest of students for obscure
There are a few problems with your punctuation. I use a very easy technique to find out where commas are needed. I just say the sentence aloud; wherever there is a pause, I put a comma. But, before using this, you should know where semi-colon is used.
:) :D
ershad193
Jul 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Transfer essay after a 4 year hiatus to a different program - U Pittsburgh [3]
I believe this sentence is irrelevant.
You have repeated lines similar to the following one many times.
You have devoted three paragraphs to New Media. I think you can cut some extra stuff there.
I admire you though, for having the courage and determination to go back to your studies.
I believe this sentence is irrelevant.
In the spring of 2009 my longtime girlfriend was accepted into a doctoral program at Duquesne University and I made the decision to accompany her. My responsibilities at the gallery did not allow me the time or energy to continue making my own work
You have repeated lines similar to the following one many times.
When I first decided to go back to school I found my mathematical foundation was not as thorough as I would like.
You have devoted three paragraphs to New Media. I think you can cut some extra stuff there.
I admire you though, for having the courage and determination to go back to your studies.
ershad193
Jul 2, 2010
Undergraduate / One of reasons I want to join the Peace Corps is quite selfish - I want to be changed by the world. [7]
Like what? Give an example.
Is this sentence necessary?
Mahatma Ghandi Gandhi
Take care that you don't misspell the names of personalities.
I was able to overcome the obstacles in front of me.
Like what? Give an example.
I'm sorry to say that there are no flashing lights, there is no Hollywood-esque climatic moment.
Is this sentence necessary?
Mahatma Ghandi Gandhi
Take care that you don't misspell the names of personalities.
ershad193
Jul 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Application to Undergraduate Bionengineering Program. [7]
Hey Tom, what do you think about this:
Scrap the line, "I enjoy the challenges of math and science in general and biology and physics... and rephrase the line, "My experience with WPW Syndrome impressed upon me the critical nature of medical advancement and provided a vision of how I could employ my long standing interests of biology and physics.
I am not sure if my grammar is correct, but do you get my point?
Hey Tom, what do you think about this:
Scrap the line, "I enjoy the challenges of math and science in general and biology and physics... and rephrase the line, "My experience with WPW Syndrome impressed upon me the critical nature of medical advancement and provided a vision of how I could employ my long standing interests of biology and physics.
I am not sure if my grammar is correct, but do you get my point?
ershad193
Jul 1, 2010
Research Papers / Paper on Google vs Microsoft -help me understand analysis and my school assignment [5]
Hi Chris
The best thing would be to post your draft here.
Hi Chris
The best thing would be to post your draft here.
ershad193
Jul 1, 2010
Graduate / SOP: Asian Studies M.A. for Andrea Gill [4]
Hi Andrea
on the river's dark waters
associated with these pilgrimages as they travel from valley to mountain and backagain
I am not very knowledgeable in your field, but aren't you talking about the same thing in the above two sentences?
Moreover, there seem to be too many sentences regarding your love for the Japanese culture.
Anyway, your essay did leave a mark on me. I would certainly admit you :)
Good luck!
Hi Andrea
on the river's dark waters
associated with these pilgrimages as they travel from valley to mountain and back
I believe that these interests of mine could be applicable toward a better understanding of the effects of religious pilgrimages found in other areas of the world as it is my belief that society and culture are affected by the natural environments in which they develop.
believe that my research in Shugendo as a folk religion would contribute greatly to an understanding of how people, religion, and the environment in which they live, interact on overlapping and interlacing boundaries.
I am not very knowledgeable in your field, but aren't you talking about the same thing in the above two sentences?
Moreover, there seem to be too many sentences regarding your love for the Japanese culture.
Anyway, your essay did leave a mark on me. I would certainly admit you :)
Good luck!
ershad193
Jun 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Application to Undergraduate Bionengineering Program. [7]
I am sorry about that. I somehow missed the last part of the sentence, "...provided a vision of how I could employ my passion for biology and physics"
I am thinking about applying for a similar course, though, at grad level. Why don't you take a look? It may give you an idea or two?
but not sure if moving it down would help as the next two sentences would make little sense without it
I am sorry about that. I somehow missed the last part of the sentence, "...provided a vision of how I could employ my passion for biology and physics"
I am thinking about applying for a similar course, though, at grad level. Why don't you take a look? It may give you an idea or two?
ershad193
Jun 30, 2010
Writing Feedback / Not only women but also men have to take care of their children [7]
In a consequencyConsequently, not only women but also men have to take care of their children.
SecondlyThirdly, fathers effectaffecton their children in a different way when compared with mothers
They try to find a best way to solve it instead of getting tense...so true
They try to find a best way to solve it instead of getting tense...so true
ershad193
Jun 30, 2010
Writing Feedback / The Odyssey Years, drifting through life without a tangible goal in mind [11]
Okay, so let's see.
I made three claims A,B and C. Now, my job is to start new paragraphs which provide evidence to support A,B and C.
And what will be those evidences? Examples? Quotes? Research data? (I am asking with respect to this essay)
Then, finally comes the conclusion.
Thanks again, Phil. Great blog, by the way.
P.S. I think your links are not clickable because EF doesn't allow them to be that way. I guess you can only click on EF links.
Okay, so let's see.
I made three claims A,B and C. Now, my job is to start new paragraphs which provide evidence to support A,B and C.
And what will be those evidences? Examples? Quotes? Research data? (I am asking with respect to this essay)
Then, finally comes the conclusion.
Thanks again, Phil. Great blog, by the way.
P.S. I think your links are not clickable because EF doesn't allow them to be that way. I guess you can only click on EF links.
ershad193
Jun 30, 2010
Graduate / Admission for Phd in Epidemiology [10]
Now I am confused. Do you mean you won't be including your cover letter when you contact your potential supervisor?
Anyway, right now I am at the same stage as you are. What I have done (or am going to do) is as follows:
1) Identify a potential supervisor with research interests similar to mine.
2) Go through his/her recent publications and read a couple of relevant papers.
3) Email them, which includes,
a line to express my interest
a brief intro about myself
how I like their work (I cite the paper)
provide some insight if I can
tell them to find my attached CV (about two pages long as my background is in engg.)
salutation
4) Wait for a couple of weeks (some of them reply, others don't)
Good luck!!!
Now I am confused. Do you mean you won't be including your cover letter when you contact your potential supervisor?
Anyway, right now I am at the same stage as you are. What I have done (or am going to do) is as follows:
1) Identify a potential supervisor with research interests similar to mine.
2) Go through his/her recent publications and read a couple of relevant papers.
3) Email them, which includes,
a line to express my interest
a brief intro about myself
how I like their work (I cite the paper)
provide some insight if I can
tell them to find my attached CV (about two pages long as my background is in engg.)
salutation
4) Wait for a couple of weeks (some of them reply, others don't)
Good luck!!!
ershad193
Jun 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Application to Undergraduate Bionengineering Program. [7]
Hi Tom
The positioning of the sentence, "I enjoyed the challenges of math and science in general and biology and physics in particular and have known from an early age that I would like to combine these interests in a career", is questionable. It seems to break the flow of the essay.
I would put it just before the line, "Pursuing a career in medical research...".
...working to provide advanced medical solutions ... why don't you name a profession or two? It will be more specific and it will also justify the line, "Research in areas such as this, as well as others being explored within the department, also coincides perfectly with my personal goals for the future"
Hope I was of some help! :)
Hi Tom
The positioning of the sentence, "I enjoyed the challenges of math and science in general and biology and physics in particular and have known from an early age that I would like to combine these interests in a career", is questionable. It seems to break the flow of the essay.
I would put it just before the line, "Pursuing a career in medical research...".
...working to provide advanced medical solutions ... why don't you name a profession or two? It will be more specific and it will also justify the line, "Research in areas such as this, as well as others being explored within the department, also coincides perfectly with my personal goals for the future"
Hope I was of some help! :)
ershad193
Jun 30, 2010
Writing Feedback / The Odyssey Years, drifting through life without a tangible goal in mind [11]
Thanks, Phil
That is some great advice. I had never thought about writing in such a logical way, but I'll do so from now on.
But then, like I mentioned before, those four paragraphs are your thesis statement which implies to the reader that your evidence will be structured in the following manner....I didn't get what you meant. Would you please explain it a bit more?
About the link: Just go to the page that you want others to read; copy the link address from the address bar of your explorer and paste it in any thread you want.
Thanks, Phil
That is some great advice. I had never thought about writing in such a logical way, but I'll do so from now on.
But then, like I mentioned before, those four paragraphs are your thesis statement which implies to the reader that your evidence will be structured in the following manner....I didn't get what you meant. Would you please explain it a bit more?
About the link: Just go to the page that you want others to read; copy the link address from the address bar of your explorer and paste it in any thread you want.
ershad193
Jun 29, 2010
Writing Feedback / The Odyssey Years, drifting through life without a tangible goal in mind [11]
Hi Phil
I guess it is incomplete. It was not a thought up essay. As I said I was really bored, so I started writing about the first thing that came to my mind. I had read somewhere about that particular term a couple of years back.
Anyway, I did think about writing the consequences these years can have on us. But I realized, I didn't have any clue whatsoever and at 22, I am not old enough to write from my own experience. So, I finished it with rather hastily.
So, what did you think of it?
By the way, I've seen you give some great advice for an admission essay. Would you like to take a look at mine too?
Hi Phil
I guess it is incomplete. It was not a thought up essay. As I said I was really bored, so I started writing about the first thing that came to my mind. I had read somewhere about that particular term a couple of years back.
Anyway, I did think about writing the consequences these years can have on us. But I realized, I didn't have any clue whatsoever and at 22, I am not old enough to write from my own experience. So, I finished it with rather hastily.
So, what did you think of it?
By the way, I've seen you give some great advice for an admission essay. Would you like to take a look at mine too?
ershad193
Jun 29, 2010
Writing Feedback / The Odyssey Years, drifting through life without a tangible goal in mind [11]
Hello! I got really bored after analyzing tensors, so I started analyzing something else. This is what came out. I'd really like some feedback.
The odyssey years, as the phrase goes, mean the years of drifting through life without a tangible goal in mind. Rachel, Chandler and Phoebe were depicted to be going through such a phase in the popular sitcom Friends. In fact, most people, except the blessed few, have to deal with it at some point of their lives. It is open to debate as to what causes them to lose the dreams and ambitions they had in their childhood.
As the term implies, people sail through these years without knowing their destination. It is an odyssey through the wilderness of doubts and uncertainties, but one that does not lead to the Promised Land. People change their jobs frequently; take up different courses without knowing whether these will improve their resume and often take up a career which is entirely different from their background. Students experience simultaneous interest and disinterest in their chosen disciplines. The recent trend of taking a "gap year" epitomizes the extent and the gravity of the situation.
So, what are the reasons which make us live our lives like a rudderless boat? The first reason would be an over-dependence on the family. As our each and every want is fulfilled by our parents, we do not feel the need to go in search of one on our own. Secondly, the pressure from our peers motivates us to take up a particular career without giving much thought to its suitability. A third cause, which is more prevalent in countries like India, is the parental pressure. Parents often force children to take up careers which adhere to the social norms (the most common being engineering and medicine). As a result, they soon lose track of their original goals and mechanically work to make their parents happy.
It takes a good deal of self-introspection to come out of this phase. Unlike the adolescent years, these can continue past the middle age. Therefore, it is essential for students and parents to really think about the destination before embarking on the journey. Of course, it helps if you've got Monica, Ross and Joey to guide you.
Hello! I got really bored after analyzing tensors, so I started analyzing something else. This is what came out. I'd really like some feedback.
The odyssey years, as the phrase goes, mean the years of drifting through life without a tangible goal in mind. Rachel, Chandler and Phoebe were depicted to be going through such a phase in the popular sitcom Friends. In fact, most people, except the blessed few, have to deal with it at some point of their lives. It is open to debate as to what causes them to lose the dreams and ambitions they had in their childhood.
As the term implies, people sail through these years without knowing their destination. It is an odyssey through the wilderness of doubts and uncertainties, but one that does not lead to the Promised Land. People change their jobs frequently; take up different courses without knowing whether these will improve their resume and often take up a career which is entirely different from their background. Students experience simultaneous interest and disinterest in their chosen disciplines. The recent trend of taking a "gap year" epitomizes the extent and the gravity of the situation.
So, what are the reasons which make us live our lives like a rudderless boat? The first reason would be an over-dependence on the family. As our each and every want is fulfilled by our parents, we do not feel the need to go in search of one on our own. Secondly, the pressure from our peers motivates us to take up a particular career without giving much thought to its suitability. A third cause, which is more prevalent in countries like India, is the parental pressure. Parents often force children to take up careers which adhere to the social norms (the most common being engineering and medicine). As a result, they soon lose track of their original goals and mechanically work to make their parents happy.
It takes a good deal of self-introspection to come out of this phase. Unlike the adolescent years, these can continue past the middle age. Therefore, it is essential for students and parents to really think about the destination before embarking on the journey. Of course, it helps if you've got Monica, Ross and Joey to guide you.
ershad193
Jun 29, 2010
Essays / active citizenship in a global context differs across continents - introducation [7]
Hey Kevin, I'm glad you appreciate my feedback. I have contacted the administrator to consider making me a contributor.
By the way, Rebecca, I hope you don't mind me replying to Kevin on your thread.
Hey Kevin, I'm glad you appreciate my feedback. I have contacted the administrator to consider making me a contributor.
By the way, Rebecca, I hope you don't mind me replying to Kevin on your thread.
ershad193
Jun 28, 2010
Dissertations / PhD in Indian Retail Sector -help in giving a proper shape to the Synopsis Topic [3]
Hi Ravi
You said that you jotted down a few lines. Why don't you post your notes here? I am sure someone will be able to help you form a well structured abstract.
Hi Ravi
You said that you jotted down a few lines. Why don't you post your notes here? I am sure someone will be able to help you form a well structured abstract.
ershad193
Jun 28, 2010
Writing Feedback / ILETS: Description of a camera [3]
AThe case of thea camera is divided into two main parts
...size ofathe hole in...
Byspinningturning the variable aperture, we establish the neededcan adjust the size of the hole which determines athe width of a path of light rays from a subject.
I see that you have used simple sentences. But if I am not mistaken, IELTS looks for a some complex and compound sentences. Therefore, try to incorporate few of those.
...size of
By
I see that you have used simple sentences. But if I am not mistaken, IELTS looks for a some complex and compound sentences. Therefore, try to incorporate few of those.
ershad193
Jun 28, 2010
Writing Feedback / Write about anything we feel effects our world [6]
I think your first sentence is incomplete. What is it that defines us? Our diversity? Values? Customs?
Add a word that is the theme of the paragraph.
I think your first sentence is incomplete. What is it that defines us? Our diversity? Values? Customs?
Add a word that is the theme of the paragraph.
ershad193
Jun 28, 2010
Essays / active citizenship in a global context differs across continents - introducation [7]
You could start off by saying how active citizenship depends on the constitution and the type of government a country has. Whether historically people of that country engaged were active citizens or is it just a new concept?
Then discuss the various factors which constitute active citizenship for each country, like voting rights, fundamental duties and whether these are well defined or not.
Anyway, I've got just a vague idea about active citizenship. There might be other people in this forum who can give you better advice.
Good luck!
You could start off by saying how active citizenship depends on the constitution and the type of government a country has. Whether historically people of that country engaged were active citizens or is it just a new concept?
Then discuss the various factors which constitute active citizenship for each country, like voting rights, fundamental duties and whether these are well defined or not.
Anyway, I've got just a vague idea about active citizenship. There might be other people in this forum who can give you better advice.
Good luck!
ershad193
Jun 26, 2010
Graduate / Academic Statement of Purpose for PhD program of Chemical Engineering [5]
Hi Dening
You have not mentioned your research interests. All that you have said concerns your research experience.
Did you join Dr S' group because you wanted to have some research experience or because you were interested in it? In case of the latter or both, just mention a line or two that you really enjoy studying multi-phase flow or that you were always attracted to the applications of CFD.
If it's the first case, then you have to explain your research interests briefly.
"I also want my future career to provide people a better life by solving problems closely related to everyday living"...a doctor, lawyer, politician, anyone can say that line. so be more specific. tell them precisely what you want to do after your PhD.
Entering the XXX would definitely open a new chapter in my life. XXX is a famous and respected university, and I am convinced that I am a worthy candidate for the program
Again, a very general sentence. Say exactly why you want to join that university. Try to link the reasons with your research interests.
I think your essay is a good first draft. You have an excellent background and coupled with your experience, you will make a very strong case.
So, write another draft keeping those points in mind and post it here.
Cheers!!!
Hi Dening
You have not mentioned your research interests. All that you have said concerns your research experience.
Did you join Dr S' group because you wanted to have some research experience or because you were interested in it? In case of the latter or both, just mention a line or two that you really enjoy studying multi-phase flow or that you were always attracted to the applications of CFD.
If it's the first case, then you have to explain your research interests briefly.
"I also want my future career to provide people a better life by solving problems closely related to everyday living"...a doctor, lawyer, politician, anyone can say that line. so be more specific. tell them precisely what you want to do after your PhD.
Entering the XXX would definitely open a new chapter in my life. XXX is a famous and respected university, and I am convinced that I am a worthy candidate for the program
Again, a very general sentence. Say exactly why you want to join that university. Try to link the reasons with your research interests.
I think your essay is a good first draft. You have an excellent background and coupled with your experience, you will make a very strong case.
So, write another draft keeping those points in mind and post it here.
Cheers!!!
ershad193
Jun 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "A plane trip we took from Germany to London" - UF admission essay [19]
Hey Erin chill! I am not judging you. Most thirteen year olds are stupid. When I was thirteen I thought the black community of the US were actually West Indians (or was it, that Monica Lewinsky was Bill's wife and Hillary his mistress?).
Anyway, what I meant was, you seem to imply that all young teenagers get scared by foreigners, which is certainly not the truth. you just need to change the sentence slightly to make it sound like it was just you who was scared.
Hey Erin chill! I am not judging you. Most thirteen year olds are stupid. When I was thirteen I thought the black community of the US were actually West Indians (or was it, that Monica Lewinsky was Bill's wife and Hillary his mistress?).
Anyway, what I meant was, you seem to imply that all young teenagers get scared by foreigners, which is certainly not the truth. you just need to change the sentence slightly to make it sound like it was just you who was scared.