Undergraduate / 'the one thing I did enjoy was drawing' - School of Visual Arts-Statement of Intent. My vision. [11]


- Hc, we need to adjust the content of your vision statement for your Artist Statement. At the very start of the essay, you need to address the above quote in order to lay the foundation for the rest of your explanation. We may need to reduce the story about your grandfather in a certain way so that the answer aligns itself with the prompt. So I need to know, have you given any consideration to the academic path that you want to take while studying at Parsons?

Let us consider your creative abilities for a moment. what previous steps did you take to enhance your natural gift for the arts? What subjects to you look forward to taking at Parsons in support of this creative growth? How do you expect those courses to help you develop your creative abilities?

Now we know that most people do not consider Art to be an academically challenging major. How do you plan to create an academic learning environment for yourself at Parsons that will challenge you to learn more than just the arts? What do you hope to learn academically while at the university? Why do you think it is important to learn those things?

Finally, I need to you imagine how your creative and academic learning at Parson's will combine in the future to create a new personality in you. After you graduate, how do you visualize yourself as an artist and as a person? Can you reconcile those two separate images into one in your mind? How do you see yourself in 4 years? Will you be the embodiment of the best traits and qualities that a Parson can show the world?

These but a few guide questions that I believe can help us sort out your Artist Statement. We may need to adjust the content and redirect some existing information at the moment in order to answer the prompt correctly. Don't be scared. We are all here to help you get this done right :-) You can rely on our guidance every step of the way.

Undergraduate / I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy - Penn State Personal Statement [13]

Hp, why are you talking about loving science at the conclusion of your essay when what you should be doing is reinforcing your statement about the kind of success that you will be as a student at Penn State? Your conclusion should be taking on the same format as a regular essay which is Introduction, Body, Conclusion. So rather than simply saying that you love science, you should be stating that you know the kind of demanding schedule that a student at Penn State has, you are ready to take on the challenges that the community and the university will be throwing your way, life challenges have brought you to a place in life where you can adjust to any given setting, and you are looking forward to becoming another successful graduate of Penn State in the future.

While we know that you would not be enrolling in this particular major if you did not love science, that is not being asked in the prompt and therefore has no place in the body or conclusion of the essay. Never deviate from the prompt you were provided. Stick to it and you will have a strong essay. Deviate and you will weaken your essay considerably as it will show that you do not fully understand the English language and will make the officer think seriously about your future as a student at the school.

Undergraduate / 'the one thing I did enjoy was drawing' - School of Visual Arts-Statement of Intent. My vision. [11]

The quote from Aristotle and your accompanying explanation is an excellent way of opening the essay and presenting your vision. It transitions very well into the discussion about how drawing helped you connect with your Chinese grandfather. The fact that you discuss Calligraphy shows a serious artistic vision and understanding on your part. You certainly did not miss out on the opportunity to connect the benefits of drawing with building a relationship with your grandfather. Thus creating a solid vision and understanding of the importance of art communication between people.

- You can develop this section more by explaining to us how your relationship with your grandfather was improved by simply drawing together. Explain the unique language that the two of you used via drawings to share your thoughts with one another.This will help prove your vision of communicating through art.

- This is just filler. It is not sharing anything about your vision. It is best to skip it at this point. This information is best used in a personal essay, not a statement of intent.


- This is more in line with the prompt. Keep this part as is, but mention something again about your vision of developing the art of communication through visual arts.

This essay may just work for an Artist Statement. It would really depend upon the prompt that is provided for the essay. If you can provide the essay prompt, we can work with you to align this statement with the new one. Normally, a fresh essay is to be used with every new prompt. However, there are times when tweaking and paraphrasing will also work. It all depends upon the requirements and expectations of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Parents should be more involved with their children's upbringing. [8]

I'll be offering my comments and suggested paragraph revisions below. Please take is constructively :-)


- These two paragraphs should be merged into one because this serves as your introduction that contains the restated prompt, and overview of the discussion, and your personal opinion as the thesis statement.

- In today's fast paced world, family issues have spread like wildfire because parents do not have enough time to actually parent their children. The necessity of earning money has taken over the priority of child rearing. As such, children grow up with more problems than they should have had, all because their parents lacked the time to properly guide them in life. I believe that while having both parents working solves the financial problem of the family, the child suffers because of his limited contact with his parents, which leads to destructive behavior because they feel that is the only way to get their parent's attention. That is why it is important that parents do not work so much that they lose time to bond, connect, and support their children when their children need them.


- Contrary to public belief, raising a child well does not only entail having money to cover his expenses. It requires being physically present to guide and support the child during their development years as children and problematic years as teenagers. Without the balance between home and work life, parents may fail to see that their children are not benefiting from the extra income that they bring home. Parents fear not being able to financially support their children so much that they fail to understand that their parental presence and support is more important than the money they make.


- This is not a concluding statement because you actually presented new information in the paragraph which, as you know, is not allowed in formal essays. So you will need to instead develop this paragraph further and then write a new conclusion to close out the essay.

Writing Feedback / The content of the Internet controlled by a single powerful global agency? [4]


- A stronger introduction is in order prior to your introducing the essay prompt. You need to slide the reader into this by saying something like "The internet is a place where information is freely shared. No single country or organization can claim to control the internet. That is not to say that countries have not tried to control the internet from within their borders. We can only imagine what it would be like if there is a single powerful global energy similar to the United Nations that controlled the internet. I bet that there would be tremendous drawbacks and disadvantages with minimal advantages in such a scenario. This paper will seek to discuss these positive and negative effects of having one organization control the internet.


- Having a single organization in charge of the internet would mean a uniform method by which people will access the internet. That is a definite advantage. The organization can also help to reduce the cyberspace conflict between people in a constantly changing world.

- You have to rethink some of the reasons your stated in this paragraph. Most of what you said is considered to be a disadvantage by most countries and users fighting for freedom on the internet. Try to find other more believable advantages.


- This reasoning is already old and tired. It is common knowledge that people are highly familiar with. In order to make your essay unique and believable, you need to come up with more recent information against having a GPA in charge of the internet. Perhaps talk in terms of violated privacy issues and the like. China and Russia are old news.

Undergraduate / I have always wanted to be a little different from others - SOP - SCAD [4]

You misunderstand what a Statement of Purpose is. It is not the same as a personal statement, nor is it a statement of goals. What you have written is a personal statement. Therefore, your purpose is not clearly defined nor developed in the essay. I had to review your essay a few times before I found the purpose that I was looking for within it. So it turns out that your purpose is as follows:


You need to develop this particular statement. Make it bigger and explain why you seek admission into the school. Your purpose is to become an out of the box artist and designer. You want to continue to challenge yourself creatively. These are all the main reasons that you wish to enroll in this school. How you plan to achieve these goals is the purpose for your enrollment. Everything that you mentioned prior to this was just filler. The essay you wrote was mostly filler that did not truly contain your statement of purpose. Now that I have isolated your purpose for you, you can revise the content of the essay to align better with the requirements of a statement of purpose.

Undergraduate / 'Mapping Me' - define a experience essential to your identity [7]


- Well you certainly told a story that is central to your identity as a student. Your development in this area, based upon your experience in the two schools shows how you developed as a person faced with two different social and learning settings. Let me get to those errors and advice you on certain matters regarding the essay content now :-)with your permission I may revise the paragraph and combine certain parts to make the essay tight and more informative. Remember, the admission officer needs to read hundreds of these a day. So making a strong impression fast is key.


- I am a person who has a tendency to map out my life. I find a sense of order and purpose in doing that. As an elementary student in Mirambika, I learned how to map out the location of certain parts of my school. The open areas of the school, gave me a sense of freedom and lightness. It gave me the gift of exploration as I mapped out its hidden areas and offered me an adventure with every research project, assignment, school play, and other activities that I had to participate in. I imbibed the beauty of my school and associated its existence in my life with infinity. I thought that my youthful adventures of mental mapping would never come to an end. But then to day came when I needed to leave my school for another one. I was entering a new adventure that I could map out in my life.


- I entered Vasant Valley School the next term as a student who did not yet have a sense of belonging and was overcome instead by uncertainty. I went from mapping out my action in a free progressive school to the rigid confines of a traditional academy. I was insecure and filled with doubt at the start. But as I mapped out my plan of action in order to fit into the school society better, things also got better for me. I no longer need to map out things in my head or on my palms. I am now in a similar yet different environment.I am able to turn my dreams into goals and ambitions into reality, all because of the life lessons I learned from both my schools. The commonality between my two schools now being that I am still able to present myself openly, I still do not have to restrict my learning to the classroom, and I am now better exposed to and aware of the things happening around me. The combination of the two schools within me has created a well rounded individual who is ready to face the world and its challenges, armed with an understanding of the world and the ability to mentally map out my plan of action in any given situation.


- I am now the embodiment of the best traits that both my schools have to offer. In the same breath, I can say I am more than that as well. I am unique even though others may think I am not. I am just me, the sum total of my experiences. I have the power to achieve anything I please, I believe in me because I was taught to trust implicitly in myself by my schools.

I hope the revised essay works for you :-)

Writing Feedback / "How have you contributed to your school" - HELP, Writer's block [2]

Daltos, when you are writing an essay geared towards a scholarship application, it is best to familiarize yourself with the scholarship program. That means you need to understand the mission, objectives, and goals of the foundation in order to decipher what kind of information they may smile upon when considering scholarship applicants. So, they want to learn about how you have contributed to your school. Contrary to your idea though, you don't need to create a bullet list with descriptions of what you did in school. The committee is actually looking for just one notable participation that you made within the school community. So what you need to do is list down all of your participation in school activities and then pick the one that you believe best represents your school participation. Build your essay around that activity.

From what I gather, you go to a religious school and have not really done much in terms of active school community participation. So we are faced with a predicament here. The Neumann Scholarship is connected with the Connelly Foundation, that pays particular attention to academically talented yet financially strapped students from religious schools. So perhaps you need to present yourself a student who has contributed to the academic development of your school ? However, the scholarship is religion based so there is a possibility that you should build up the fact that you are an altar boy and then expand that in such a way that it reflects upon your academic and social contribution to the school. One of these two ideas should work for you.

If you go with the academic development, mention everything that you can about the academic Olympics that you joined and what the outcome for that was. If you go with being an altar boy, talk about your charitable and volunteer activities that accompanied being an altar boy. Either way, you will have concentrated one of the two factors that the scholarship committee will be highly interested in knowing about.

Whichever method you choose to go with, we are here to help you perfect its content and polish it. So don't be shy about posting your completed essay here for further review :-) Don't be afraid to ask questions either. We'll be glad to answer whenever we can ;-)

Writing Feedback / I BELIEVE IN PICTURES - they have power of repairing unrepairable hearts [6]

Redy, please allow me to edit your essay whenever possible to keep it short but interesting ok? Thanks :-)


- I believe in the power of pictures when it comes to repairing broken hearts. The darkness that surrounded me on the day that my father left our family was lifted by the simple presence of his picture in our home. One look at his picture always reminded me that our family bond was strong and although he was not around as often as he used to be, I knew that just like god, My father would be an omnipresent person in my life.Regardless of whether I remembered what he looked like or not, he would always be there for me somehow.


- ... back to the family


- For three years of my life I hated my father for leaving our family. I considered him our guiding light and yet he was able to leave us without a second thought. He made our family incomplete. Over time I began to get over his absence in our daily lives. I began to remember what it was like when he was still there and I felt satisfied to a certain extent. It took a simple picture to remind me that my family was immortal...

I am sorry that I misunderstood and thought your father had died. I hope my suggestions will work for you :-)

Undergraduate / 'Mapping Me' - define a experience essential to your identity [7]

Hello, I have to say that you have written a beautiful essay that shows your academic development from grade school to high school. The only problem, is that I am not sure if the essay you wrote actually satisfies the common app essay requirements because you did not supply the essay prompt for our consideration. Kindly let us know what the prompt is so that a better review of your essay can be created by the members of the forum.

In the meantime, I would like to let you know that you did a very good job with the essay development. Sure the grammatical errors exist and should be corrected. However, until the prompt is given, I will simply look beyond those mistakes. I feel though, that the true essence of the essay can only be found towards the end and is left under developed because you spent so much time talking about mapping and your transfer to high school. Perhaps I will change my mind about that after the prompt is given, or maybe not. We really need to know what direction the essay should be headed in :-)

Undergraduate / WHY MADISON? It would find me a great gain to part of their community [5]

- Vinny, the essay is basically asking you to talk about your visit to the campus. I assume that you visited the campus prior to your application? You have to inform them about how you felt the university and its student community will be able to to assist you in your development as a student and as a person. What are the positive aspects of the academic and social community that you sensed during your visit? How do you plan to take advantage of the opportunity that is being offered to you on the academic and social side of your personality? Write what you can about your view of Madison academically and socially and I'll work with you to balance out the information in the way that the essay requires :-)


- Vinny, try this on for size :-)
I first heard about Madison University when I came across Harry Frederick Harlow and his work on the Rhesus Monkeys. As the first director of the Wisconsin Primate Research Center at Madison, I became very keen to learn more about the science department of Madison in our times. What I discovered did not disappoint me. The cutting edge research done by the science department and the well known faculty members of today have only strengthened my desire to attend Madison in an effort to ensure that I receive only the best training and mentoring possible from my chosen academy of learning.


- This is an excellent start to answering the prompt. However, your discussion is quite short. Refer to my guide questions above when you revise and add to the content of this paragraph.


- This does not answer the prompt about the balanced academic society of Madison. I am thinking that you need to explain about how the research you will be doing along with your classmates will provide an excellent balance of academic and social growth since you will be spending most of your time with these students and thus, be developing your academic talents along with them.


- This has nothing to do at all with the social aspect of Madison. This sounds like a part of your old essay that you decided to throw in here because you had nothing to say about the social development you hope to undergo at the university. Here is what I suggest, look back to your campus visit. Remember the electricity that ran through the students on campus? What kind of people were milling on the grounds and not attending class? Why were they there? How do you think you would be able to socially integrate with them when you become a student? This will show the social development and balance that you can bring to the campus as a future student.

Undergraduate / 'the one thing I did enjoy was drawing' - School of Visual Arts-Statement of Intent. My vision. [11]

Hc, your vision as an artist comes into play the minute to start talking about your grandfather and how you used drawing as a way to communicate with him. That is where your vision as an artist lies. In the fact that drawing and arts are a language that people understand, without the need for words. It transcends all boundaries of language and race. Therefore, it makes it an effective communication tool. That is your vision. To further enhance your artistic skills in order to communicate with the world sans words. Your vision is that of a future where art becomes a major form of communicating with one another, etc. The rest of your essay just does not help to answer the prompt. I suggest that you work on my suggestion for your vision. Developing its basis from your experience with your grandfather. Your family troubles did not really help to create your vision as an artist nor give you an intention for becoming one. Your grandfather did that for you. He gave back your artistic vision and gave you a clear intention for becoming a visual artist. Writing the essay from that point of view will definitely satisfy the requirements of the essay prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: It is unrealistic for a school to provide so called parenting training for its students [7]

Hamed, never take a quote from the person advising the original poster who had quoted the original work in the first place. Always take it from the original content. In this case, you should have taken the quote from Mark and not from my advice to him. Doing so could end up insulting the person who is trying to advise the OP. Also, try to offer original advice that the previous adviser or advisers might have missed. Do not just repeat what has already been said. You can however, reinforce the advice given by agreeing with it and then adding your own advice to the thread.

Right now, you just took a quote from my advice thread and told me that I need to improve the content. Study it further and you will see that it is Mark who made the original statement and not me. Always refer to the original post when quoting. Look at my post and you will note that not only quoted the very same text from him but that I told him the introduction was incomplete and he needed to fix it. You basically just repeated what I told him while also telling me that my work on an essay, that is not mine, is incomplete. That is very irresponsible of you. I repeat, do not take quotes from the person offering advice. Always use the original posting in order to avoid future misunderstandings in the thread. Thanks :-)

Undergraduate / The only option I see (College Personal Statement) [6]

Here is an idea, rather than going into great detail about your mother's wedding, why not discuss a comparison instead? That way you can show how Arab women feel that they have only one option in life, that is to marry, as opposed to you, a young Arab woman who has her life and life choices ahead of her? Then you can talk about how you plan to be a role model to the young women in your village, etc. This will strengthen your position about how lucky you are to have choices in life. It will also give you an opportunity to discuss how your mother feels that you should always take advantage of the opportunities coming your way. Relate it to the way that she had limited opportunities to prove herself as a woman and how now, she takes pride in you, the modern Arab woman whom she raised to be independent and strong willed. As for the photo, yes, I am suggesting that you completely take it out and use only the parts that somehow relate to the story you are trying to tell in the essay. Remember, an effective essay knows how to deliver its message in as few paragraphs as possible.

Undergraduate / 'the one thing I did enjoy was drawing' - School of Visual Arts-Statement of Intent. My vision. [11]

Hc, while you presented us with a touching story regarding your constant striving to become an artist, too much time has been spent discussing your parents and the way that they prevented you from achieving your dreams. What we would rather be hearing about is your vision, what is the intention that drives you to continue aspiring to become a visual artist? Why did you always want to become an artist? Let's not dwell on how your parents tried to prevent you from becoming one. Unless, their moves to stop you became the reason that you are trying to become an effective visual artist at the moment. All of the reasons that you stated, even the fact that you took a college course against your will, all should have added up to solidifying your intention to become a visual artist. I am not getting a sense of that in your essay. Instead, you sound more like you are merely complaining about your parents lack of support for your dreams and ambitions. That is not what we want to read about here. Talk to us about your artistic visions. Who inspired you? What is your motivation? What is your ultimate vision as an artist? Tell us about the artist in you, not about how you were prevented from pursuing your artistry.

Undergraduate / The only option I see (College Personal Statement) [6]

- This is not a very good opening statement. In fact, there are only a few portions of this paragraph that you can use in your essay. I would suggest that you open with the second paragraph instead. That has a stronger hook that will interest the readers in what you have to say. The admission officer is not interested in the story of your mother's wedding day unless it immediately relates to you as a person.

- My mother, a child bride at the age of 15, taught me that unlike her, I have options for my future. I decide what my future will be. I should be proud of my accomplishments and never let anything hold me back. Not even racial prejudice. This is something that I proved to myself during my 9th grade Moot Court Competition. When I won and had an amazed woman approach me, asking to have her picture taken with me. As I did not want to seem to be a show-off , I tried to hide my trophy in the picture...

Now you can tell the story of your mother's wedding day and close with the picture that you hold so dear to your heart :-) Don't forget to thank your parents for moving to the U.S. and thus allowing you to have options that you would not have had in the old country. Try my suggestions so we can see if the essay will flow better. Expect to polish the paper some more as we go along :-)

Undergraduate / Everyone is in his or her own "little world" - COMMON APP ESSAY [5]

We can try to align you answer to the essay prompt in the following manner:

1. Write a paragraph describing your experience with intolerance. Go into vivid detail. Describe how you felt at that moment.
2. Reflect upon your life in India and the tolerance that existed for you there. Explain how you felt when you know that you were being tolerated.

3. Compare and contrast the two experiences in terms of how content you feel due to the tolerance in India.
4. Reiterate the importance of the tolerance India offers in your opinion. This will explain why you feel content in the country instead of just a particular place there.

Let's see if this will work. We can make adjustments along the way :-)

Undergraduate / I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy - Penn State Personal Statement [13]

I see a way that we can solve the transition problem at the beginning of your essay. We need to totally eliminate the first paragraph;


We should delete that portion and immediately jump to:


By doing that, we manage to introduce the fact that you come from a business oriented family and offer the information that you do not share the same interests with the rest of your family members at the same time. I feel that doing so immediately makes the essay align with the prompt and offers a smoother transition within the paper.

- While my family was not supportive of my plans to enter the field of science at the start, they eventually came around to supporting me when I won a major scientific competition at my school along with my friends. We had teamed up for the World Water Day Challenge where we pooled our ideas and resources together in order to create a winning project. While I suggested that we write a paper explaining how Hydroelectric Power works, a team member suggested that we go a step further and build a mini model depicting the power we were explaining in order to help visualize our explanation. While I was disappointed that my idea was merged with my friend's idea, I knew that it was a sacrifice that I had to make for the team. Eventually, my research paper idea was totally set aside in lieu of a mini model project. I was totally disheartened at this point but I decided to set my pride aside and work with the team because the idea of the mini model would only work if we all dedicated ourselves to making it the best model that we could. Our water turbine that used electromagnetic induction to create electricity won the competition because we were able to produce 0.2v of electricity, a major breakthrough in terms of mini models at the time of the competition. While it seemed an almost impossible task at first, we were able to work together as a team in order to create the platform that would lead to our victory. My family recognized my potential in the field after that and no longer tried to dissuade me from entering the scientific field anymore.

Try out my suggested format for your accomplishment above. See if it works for you. If it does, try to develop a strong concluding statement to support it. I'll help you clean it up :-)

Writing Feedback / Angel from Heaven (Memoir) [2]

This is a very well thought out and developed essay. However the part about your taking the first Math test goes overboard in terms of information and drags the essay down y slowing down the pace of your narrative. Try to shorten it and jump to the results as soon as you can. The focal point of the essay should be the relationship development between you and your sister instead through the tutorial sessions that you had with her.

There is something that puzzles me about this essay though, you titled it "Angel from Heaven (Memoir)" with a title like that, it would seem like your older sister died later on and you failed to mention it in the essay? If I am mistaken, then the admission officer will also be mistaken in his perception of your essay. So it would be best if you changed the title to something more relevant to the story you are telling.

Grammatical errors abound in your essay but I am refraining from correcting those parts until you have successfully shortened your essay. This will limit the number of revisions you will have to make with your paper. Once the essay is shortened the words you used will also change so it is best to edit the grammar after the revision :-)

Undergraduate / Everyone is in his or her own "little world" - COMMON APP ESSAY [5]


- This does not answer the essay prompt at all. You are supposed to mention a place where you feel comfortable and content. It is not about a sense of attachment to a tradition and culture. Right now, your paper sounds more defensive of India rather than being a place where you feel comfortable and content. I can understand your saying that you are attached to its tradition of tolerance. However, there is nothing about tolerance that should make you comfortable and content in a place. If it does, then you should develop that sentiment better in order to explain the contentment and comfort that you feel in that place. You don't need to use such a long introduction. Go direct to the point and explain your reasons. A wordy essay does not equate to an informative essay. Just answer the prompt directly. If your comfortable place is the country, then explain why, making reference to tolerance whenever applicable within your paper. Right now, your essay does not align with the prompt.

Undergraduate / The only option I see (College Personal Statement) [6]

The first thing that I need to ask you for is the personal essay prompt from the university you are applying to. Without that information, it will be hard to tell if you have written the essay in a satisfactory manner that answers the prompt. Don't try to write a generalized essay for your personal application because it will vary in content based upon the university you apply to. You need a definite prompt for college essay applications. I hope you can provide it so that we can properly comment on the content of your paper.

Since I prefer to wait on the prompt for your essay before I correct any grammar issues, I will just give you a simple review of your paper. The strength of your paper lies in the fact that it draws upon a personal experience and a realization, a learning, that most women your age would not learn about in the Western world. Such lofty ambitions on your part should be admired and encouraged because of the world that your parents came from.

Now the part about your winning the competition, somehow, it makes me sense that you feel hindered in a way by your own culture and traditions? I might be wrong because I know that you are proud to be who you are. Perhaps there would be a better way of restating that portion. Of course it will all depend upon the prompt that you provide us with.

Basically, there are a number of important points that can be adjusted within your essay. Like I said, we need to know what your prompt is in order to properly advise you. So I will leave my comments here for now. Get the prompt to us and we will help you polish your statement :-)

Undergraduate / 'obsessed over Crime TV shows' - Rutgers transfer essay [2]

blove, you are looking to become a criminal justice lawyer right? So mentioning shows like CSI, wanting to become a policeman and the like are not exactly the best examples to give in this paper. Rather, I believe that legal based shows such as the Good Wife and others would best represent your interests in criminal justice. Your paper is too generic in feel and content at this moment. You did not truly discuss your personal plans and goals for the future in such a way that you touched on how Rutger would be able to help you achieve these dreams. Does Rutger have an internship program you feel will help you develop into the lawyer (or whatever) you want to become in the future? Exactly how does a Rutger education fit into your plans? What is your current major? What made you decide to shift majors? How did you decide that Rutger would be the best university to transfer to? These are but a few questions that you need to spell out for the admission officer in your transfer essay.

So you need to define you career path at least in an educational sense for this paper to work. What is your end goal? Be specific as to how you expect Rutger to help you get to that point. Don't just say criminal justice. Say something about the training you hope to achieve as you work towards becoming (mention your goal).


- Exactly how do you expect Rutger to help you achieve this? That is why the essay is asking you to explain.


- There was nothing in the essay remotely asking about a scholarship. So this is not the place to mention that. Save that information for your scholarship app. This is a transfer app.

Writing Feedback / I BELIEVE IN PICTURES - they have power of repairing unrepairable hearts [6]

Redy, the main problem with your paper is that you did not provide an interesting hook with which to reel in the reader. Without that hook, your paper was uninteresting at the start. I suggest that you bring up this portion


as the introductory paragraph of your paper. This is a very strong hook that tells the reader that you have something interesting to say.


- Redy, the uncertain tone of your voice does not instill any confidence in your belief. It provides a shaky image of what you believe in. It tells us that your point of view will eventually change. That is why it was important to bring up the portion about the picture beforehand. We need to create a strong and solid voice for you. The essay can also be shortened because what you have to say could actually be said in a few sentences instead of 2 boring paragraphs.

- I grew up in a lovely, family-centric unit that had a tight and unbreakable bond. We believed more in each other than we did in God. Somehow, we viewed our family as immortal. That is until the untimely death of my father. A death that changed everything I believed in about memories and my family.

- How you felt and reacted to the demise of your father should be a separate paragraph.


- Why do you believe this happened to you? What were you trying to block out about your father's memories that prevented you from recalling his face? What was the catalyst for your believe in pictures?

- I can't really say what it was that erased my father's face from my memories. Try as hard as I could to remember his features in my mind during the times when I needed his comfort, I always failed. Something was holding me back from remembering him on my own. The only way I could remember him, was through his pictures strewn throughout the house in photo frames and family albums.


- Then one day, I was fifteen at the time, I really needed to feel connected with my father. I felt a need to talk to him. So I took one of his photos to bed with me that night. It was the picture that I felt brought him back to life. With his curved lips smiling at me, his eyes seeming to listen to what I have to say, and his overall facial expression of love staring back at me, I finally began to recall my father in my mind. Not the father from the pictures I had been looking at for 3 years, but the father who I had with me till I was twelve. Everything I remembered about him came rushing back, all because of a well photographed picture that seemed to capture his very essence in life.


- For three years of my life, I had been mourning the loss of my father. The loss of the person I considered my guiding light. For the past three years, I felt my family was incomplete, no longer immortal. It took a simple picture to remind me that my family was immortal. That my father continued to live on within me. In my actions and in my words. In my mind, he will always be concerned, storytelling, happy - go - lucky man who used to teach me about the simple life. In my mind, he will never age, he will forever be young and vibrant, even when I am old and gray. It took a picture to remind me of all that. The picture reminded me that my family was not broken even though one member was missing. It took a picture to help repair my broken heart, strengthen my belief in my family, and give me the confidence I needed to go on living. Without that picture of my father, my life would have turned out to be much different from what it is today. That is why I strongly believe that pictures can heal broken hearts and give people courage when they falter in life.

I hope you consider my suggestions while you work on improving the vividness of your paper :-)

Writing Feedback / Internet is the most considerable invention due to its simplicity of gaining new knowledge. [3]

Your essay has a number of problems that I will list down for you. You need to address those content problems before we can proceed with correcting the grammar errors.


- Vns, this statement does not make any sense towards the end. convenience and rapidity of what? Why do people believe that the internet is the most crucial invention evern in your opinion? Why is it not? While you gave us a shaky personal opinion on the matter, you failed to present both sides that you are expected to be discussing within the essay.


- Why should people agree with you? Can't they disagree with you? Rethink your statement, did the internet really make life easier for most people? If so, present evidence as to how that was achieved via the internet. What internet invention made it possible to make life easier for people? Nice discussion of the opposite point of view in the same context. However, you did not develop that idea with solid evidence to support your answer. So you need to go back and review how you can strengthen that argument. Your example is weak. Pizza is delivered these days through a phone call to the restaurant. The internet is not imperative for that. Try to choose a different example of something we could not do then that we can do now. Such as share access to world wide information, stay in touch with friends and relatives even if they live overseas, etc. In order to prove the crucial aspect of this invention, you need to use stronger examples and reasoning.


- This does not disprove the crucial aspect of the internet invention. Rather, this shows the practicality of the application since it allows us to gain access to anybody anytime. There must be a different and stronger drawback to the internet than that. Are you sure not many people need the internet? This particular statement is very weak and can easily be torn down by the simplest thinking internet defender. So you need to revise this portion as well. Strengthen it. Do research. Your examples are not even very applicable to the reason you stated because time management is all that a student needs in order to complete his school tasks. The internet is optional when you think of it that way. Also, make it clear that this is still your opinion so that you won't have to write a separate opinion paragraph.


-Nice conclusion, it is just too bad that you were not able to develop that idea better within the essay. Instead, it looks like you are presenting a new idea here so it should be a new paragraph instead.

Writing Feedback / Modern Technology is creating a single world culture? [3]

Hi Hamed :-) Let's see what we can do to further improve your paper :-)


- Hamed, you lost track of the keywords in the prompt so the full content of your discussion ended up wrong. The key to the prompt is this :

Modern Technology is creating a single world culture. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement.

. You are therefore supposed to discuss the emerging single world culture that modern technology affords the people of today. Let me explain what is meant by a single world culture in this prompt so that you can revise your essay properly :-)

Consider the following Hamed, people all over the world dress in the same westernized manner. There are very few country's left that have not been penetrated by the internet and cable television which has allowed people to be strongly influenced by the traditions and culture of the more dominant American way of life. People have absorbed the Western culture world wide because of the far reaching influence of their celebrities, news programs, and other aspects of social life. This is normally done via the internet and television. That said, you will also notice that people are more westernized in thinking these days rather than traditional or cultural.

Read the news articles and notice how international events seem to have counterparts in various countries. One such event is the Occupy Wall Street movement that is currently being emulated in Hong Kong. These are all signs of a world that is beginning to develop a single culture. We are becoming more united as nations even if we are divided by a language because of the influence that modern technology has had in our lives. Our world is now almost singular in thought and mode of life because of the influence of globalized technology.

Hopefully, I was able to clearly explain to you about the basis of a single world culture and you can revise your essay using that guide. As of now, your essay answers the prompt but not totally. You speak of various cultures and social influences instead of concentrating on the single world culture. Try to discuss this from the point of view that people do not even realize that they are becoming a part of a single world culture because the influence of social media and technology in our lives results in a seamless absorption and practice of the culture of the westernized world.

Don't forget the opposing opinion. Supporting it with samples coming out of Communist China where the people are prevented from being influenced by the single world culture phenomenon.

Undergraduate / I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy - Penn State Personal Statement [13]

Harsh, there is just something missing in the essay. I believe it is because we are not talking about an activity that could prove your ability to succeed at Penn State. Yes, we are talking about how your family initially tried to lure you away from science but there needs to be something more to the essay than that. We need an activity or experience that stems from your personal life that can prove your ability to shine as a Penn State student.

I am thinking along the lines of a scientific experiment or theory that you may have encountered in the past that you had to work on to prove alone or with a team of people. Upon deeper review of the essay prompt, I believe that it is asking you something deeper than we thought. It is asking you to prove that you can be a team player and an individual player whenever necessary. The choice of whether to portray yourself as a team member, leader, or individualist is yours to make.

The essay needs to present yourself in a strong light. A person who has the ability to work and succeed with minimal to no supervision. Someone who can accomplish tasks in life regardless of the obstacles before him. We need the story that proves this strength of character in you. Present your greatest achievement, it could be science related or not. All we need is to show your ability to succeed in any undertaking you put your mind to. It sounds to me like you have done a number of science experiments at the high school level that impressed your teachers. Perhaps you could borrow from one of those tasks?

Sorry about having to ask you to revise the whole essay. This is how developing an app essay works. We could go through a number of versions before we finally settle on the one that totally fits the demands of the prompt. I am asking you to be patient. We will all work with you for as long as it takes to help you develop the best essay for your prompt :-)

Undergraduate / 'Whenever you plan, you should always start early, since anything can happen'; CommonApp essay [3]

hp, this is a very engaging and learning lesson to share with the admission officer. I admire you for being able to speak about such a public humiliation years after it happened. The lesson that you learned is quite applicable to almost everything that you will be doing and encountering during your college life. That said, we can work on improving the minimal grammar problems that your essay contains. I might make a few content suggestions here and there for your consideration as well. There are some portions of your essay that can be edited to make it shorter but concise so I will take the liberty of doing that for some of your paragraphs as well. Feel free to use any or all of my suggestions if you wish :-)


- During my 2nd year of high school, my friends and I decided to form a band and participate in the annual school talent show that is normally held midway in the academic year. We began rehearsing 2 weeks before the competition and began to develop our skills as a band over time. A week before the competition, our lead singer quit because he was not confident he could perform on stage. Even though we tried our best to persuade him not to quit, we eventually ended up with a different lead singer who unfortunately, did not know the first song we chose to perform. Quickly changing songs,we had only a few days to learn the song and build up our confidence about performing it in public.


- Though we were not totally confident about our skills, we walked onto the performance stage on the day of the talent show, nervousness written all over our faces. Just when we were about to pull off the full performance, I fumbled and dropped the ball. I missed the cue for my guitar solo because I was distracted by the warm reception of the audience. By the time I started playing it was too late. I was out of rhythm and out of tune. Needless to say, the audience went silent and was short of booing our performance. Knowing I had let my friends down, I felt like crying right there, in the middle of the stage. While everyone knew of my failure, I refused to talk to anyone about it. Shutting myself off from everyone else for the rest of the day.


- In hindsight, I would have to say that the experience could be chalked up to the "folly of youth" on my part. Whether I entered the competition along with my friends planning to win or not, I was overconfident in my skills as a performer and thought I was prepared for anything that would come my way onstage. Except, I forgot to make allowances for being a distracted first time performer. That, along with other lessons, taught me the value of preparation in building up self confidence. These day, I always start preparing early for anything I do. I make at least 3 contingency plans in case something might go wrong during the event, and I remind myself to focus and concentrate on what I should be doing regardless of what is going on around me. I no longer rush into situations without considering what might happen and what the consequences of my ill - timed actions might be. Most importantly, I learned that giving in to pressure will never result in any positive results In the end, the failure of my band resulted in my maturing as an individual. Learning to take responsibility for my actions, and preparing for possible scenarios were the most important take away lessons that I was given on the day that I embarrassed myself and lost the competition with my band.

Writing Feedback / Who am I? 'do my best and let my God do the rest' - homework task [5]

Ischa, here is a piece of advice that I believe you will benefit from due to the way that your essay is currently structured. Your essay is currently suffering from cluttered thoughts. You need to learn to divide the essay into paragraphs. Each paragraph will deal with a specific topic for discussion. A normal essay will be composed of at least 3-5 paragraphs containing 3-5 sentences (minimum) each.

With every topic that you assign to a paragraph, you can completely develop your thoughts and explain what it is you want to say about that topic. Currently, your essay has under developed topics because you compiled all of your topics and thoughts into one paragraph. That makes the essay hard to read and directionless in the eyes of the reader. You lose the interest of your reader the minute you suddenly changed topics from being an eldest child then industrial engineering, Then without warning, you switched back to a discussion about your father. All of that switching around makes the reader lose his place and destroys the flow of thought and conversation that the reader is forming in his mind. This can have a very severe effect on the final grade of your paper.

At this point, your essay does not even have an effective conclusion that could give us a solid idea of who you really are. I can tell that you are excited about being able to talk about yourself in written form. So don't lose heart. All essays undergo at least 3 revisions (for the simple ones like these) before the paper is finally ready to be submitted. If you can follow the instructions I gave you and re-post the essay in the new format here, I am confident that we can all chip in and help you clean up the paper so that you can be confident that the paper represents you very well upon submission to your professor :-)

Undergraduate / I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy - Penn State Personal Statement [13]


- This is actually a very interesting part of your essay that I hoped you would have developed further. Perhaps making it the central point of your essay since you were part of a family that was more number than science inclined. Developing this line of discussion would have shown you are able to develop and succeed even when those around you do not have the same interests as you. Perhaps explaining whether your family supported your interest in science would have also added a nice touch to the discussion. The paragraph after this one really did not relate to the above paragraph. Actually, the rest of your essay disconnected from the very strong introduction you made. Would you be very mad if I ask you revise the paper to be more in line with your introductory paragraph? While your essay is good, I believe that telling the admission officer a story regarding how you succeeded in developing your interests in science when you came from a business inclined family would make for an interesting read and tell us a lot about yourself that would not normally be presented in the common app essay, personal statement, or statement of purpose :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Task2 -Should all the zoos be closed? [6]

katjawanna, your essay presents a very interesting and highly controversial topic for discussion. The two sides to the issue, as well as your point of view are also good supporting facts. However, all three suffer from under development and grammatical problems. I will present suggestions and corrections below.


- Due to the grammatical problems contained in your introduction, it has become incomprehensible. Let me restate this for you so that you can get a clearer idea of how your introduction should have been presented:

Zoos are a popular gathering place for people worldwide. It offers an educational and safe gathering place for families to see animals that normally would be in the wild. These animals are kept in cages in order to entertain and educate people about these various species. However, zoo's are seen as inhumane and barbaric places where animals suffer maltreatment and death at the hands of humans. Therefore, the are two points of discussion that are engaged in the existence of zoo's. One side, feels that animals benefit from being put on display for human study because the animals are protected and prevented from going extinct as they would in the wild. However, the other side feels that zoo's must be closed because it is a cruel place that maltreats animals for the benefit of human entertainment. While both sides have their strong points, I personally believe that zoo's should be closed. This paper will present all sides of the issue, including my point of view, for the reader's education and consideration, leaving the final decision of which side to support, up to the reader.


- Those who oppose the existence of zoo's do so based upon their belief that animals, far from being in a protected habitat, actually suffer at the hands of their human handlers. Living in enclosed spaces that are not similar to their habitat in the wild at all, the animals are on display for tourists to enjoy in their private amazon. These animals lose their natural instincts for survival and forget how to survive in the wild. They lose their nature granted right to freedom. The loss of their natural habitat also causes unseen health complications for the animals. All of the aforementioned reasons are not considered important enough by those who support the existence of zoo's to warrant the consideration that zoo's may not exactly be the best place to care for wild animals. However these are considerations that those who support the closure of zoo's have in mind when advocating for their cause.


- The importance for zoo's in the point of view of those who believe that zoo's should remain open, rests on the fact that zoo's were originally created to protect animals whose native habitats have been damaged or destroyed by acts of nature and man. In exchange for human protection of these animals, all the zoologists and zoo keepers ask is that they be allowed to observe the animals and people be allowed to see the animals for educational purposes.

- The discussion is a bit weak at this point, I suggest you add one more reason to give further credence to the claim that zoo's should remain open.


-Your perspective / point of view cannot be your concluding statement. You cannot present a new idea as a conclusion. Therefore, you should discuss and develop your point of view within 3-5 sentences, creating a new paragraph. Then you can write a separate concluding statement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The chief factor of someone to prosper is the goal of that person; talent isn't a must [2]


- Your introduction is good in the sense that it gives a restated prompt. It also gives an overview of what to expect in the discussion. However,it fails when it comes to the part about addressing your personal opinion as the thesis statement. You neglected to present your point of view as a part of the discussion. That is one of the most important aspects of the essay that you should not have neglected. So state your opinion on the topic before you launch into your opinion discussion.


- This is a very weak argument that does not offer any supporting evidence in terms of people born with talent. A look into the history of music, making mention of Mozart, or Beethoven, would have easily supported this point since they were child protegees. For sports, you can mention Tiger Woods among the many notable names of sports figures born with talent. Your job at the end of this paragraph would have been to oppose the argument that people are born with talent. This will lead into the next paragraph that discusses how people are not born with talent but they develop their abilities instead.


- Your opposing argument is wrong. You need to discuss the facts behind the belief that children can be taught sports and music which in the process, allows them to develop their talent. That is the requirement of the prompt.


- You cannot conclude the essay yet. You have not presented your opinion and discussed it yet. You can only conclude this essay after you present your point of view. That said, you know that the conclusion does not allow you present new ideas at the end of the essay. So simply restate the thesis, summarize the facts, and repeat your opinion in a separate concluding paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Educational Inequality Essay - UT Austin Essay E [4]

You sound like you are trying to lecture the admission officer rather than offering him or her an insight into why educational inequality is an important issue to you. Here is what I suggest, integrate this information into your plans for the future. Discuss how you plan to make waves and institute changes in education at the level where you can in order to lay the foundation for educational equality. That way you can use most of the important information above in a less lecturing manner and in the process, present reasons that the issue is important to you while selling the reader on the idea that you have real plans that you wish to see become a reality in order to solve the problem.

Overall though, the essay is quite strong and shows that you are truly connected and concerned about the issue. We just need to make you sound less lecturing and more pro-active. It would help if you could mention some volunteer activities that you currently engage in that try to address the problem of educational inequality.

Writing Feedback / Who am I? 'do my best and let my God do the rest' - homework task [5]


- Isha, is this the essay prompt? Are you supposed to present a generalized discussion about yourself? Is there a word limit? The reason I ask is because your essay is extremely short and bunches topics which should be separate paragraphs into a single paragraph. Such a format is not professional and shows a lack of academic level writing skills. Please let us know what your parameters were for this essay so that we can help you format and develop your ideas further.

I feel that I have to refrain from commenting about your grammar mistakes and sentence problems until we have sorted out the requirements of your essay. That way we can limit the number of revisions that you have to do. Correcting those errors at this point, without knowing what the admission officer expects to read and how long it should be, would be a futile exercise. Once we know the requirements of the essay, we may ask you to change or develop the content either to develop or lessen the concentration on certain topics.

Please let us know the instructions for your essay soon so that we can properly review and advise you regarding the grammar, writing, and content of the paper. Thanks :-)

Undergraduate / "You have put in the miles..." Cross-Country Running (College Essay) [5]

I am wondering what the prompt is for this essay? If you can tell me what it is, I will be able to help you decide whether to concentrate on just the running or just the flashback part. By deciding to focus on only one story, you will be able to cut down the content of the essay and present a stronger supporting statement to your thesis in the process. In fact, that is one major problem I have while reading your essay. Your introduction concentrates on your competition but does not offer a thesis statement that will give the reader an inkling about the subject, theme, or topic of the essay. That is why you need to clarify the introduction and the prompt for me.

At this point, the essay has improved. But because you keep transferring from one story to another, It gets confusing for the reader. It lacks transition sentences that will help the reader prepare for a flashback or a flash forward. The sudden transitions actually shock the reader. I for one felt like I lost my place each time the transition hit me because I was not prepared for the change in setting. It became confusing towards the end because the two stories are telling me two different things about you. Rather than coming together in a single idea or point going towards your conclusion.

So here is what I suggest, let us know what the actual prompt is and then revise the essay by concentrating on developing only one of the two stories. Or develop both as separate essays and then post it here so we can help you choose between the two :-)

Undergraduate / My life goal is to have a Computer Engineering degree and go to North Texas University [6]


- This is a very weak introduction. It does not really provide a strong thesis statement for you. There is no need to introduce yourself and your background. Rather your thesis statement should present your life goal immediately and then present an overview of how you plan to achieve that life goal. Your succeeding paragraphs should only work on detailing your overview statement.


- This is not your goal. This can never be your goal because you can attend any school in order to complete your degree. Instead, your focus should be on stating a life goal along the line of "My goal in life is become one of the leading and notable names in computer engineering in the future. In order to achieve this goal, I have created a 10 year career plan for myself" This is what your introduction should contain.


- The first 4 years of my plan involve completing my computer engineering degree as the top graduate of my class. I plan to complete this goal by spending... ( talk about your study habits)

- The next paragraphs should detail your work plans which should include working at Silicone Valley, developing software and apps during your free time that you hope to sell to the highest bidder, or ideas along those lines.


- This is a very weak conclusion and does not instill confidence in your plans as a student. I have already provided you with template content for a life goal essay. Just follow the instructions and you should be able to pull this off :-)

Don't hesitate to let me know if you have any questions, I'll be glad to guide your through this paper :-)

Undergraduate / New Orleans crossed through my mind - Why Tulane Essay [7]

Hashim, the comment that you read about personal experience was from the blog of one admission officer. That is not necessarily the criteria for all the admission officers of the school. However, if you want to put something about personal experience, I suggest you take a tour of the campus and input some information about that visit. The current version of your essay still has a generalized feel to it. Not really discussing your future goals and reasons for admission to Tulane. Here is what I think can help you better write this essay :

1. List down your reasons for applying to medical school.
2. List down the reasons you opted for Tulane over the other obvious choices in terms of universities.
3. Relate list 1 to list 2 in order to create the solid reason for your choice of Tulane.
4. List your ideal student community criteria.
5.Look up the student community traits of Tulane.
6. Integrate your ideal community with Tulane's community.
7. This creates your strong optional essay.

As an option, you can discuss something about your future goal related to medical research or treatment and explain how Tulanae's training and internship programs can benefit from your forward thinking attitude.

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Sorry about that. It was my mistake. Don't get riled up :-) My intention was to present you as a childish daughter prior to your realization about your actions and how you needed to mature fast. You used to be a child and then you grew up, you matured, developed a new outlook in life. I guess it did not come across the way I thought it would with you.

Listen, the final decision about the content and format of the essay belongs to you. I can only offer my suggestions and opinions based upon my 14 years of admission and scholarship essay writing experience. I am not saying I know all the answers, but I have a pretty good idea of what the admission officers and scholarship foundations normally look for in their applicants. I am here to share that experience and expertise with you.

How the essay finally turns out is your call. I apologize if I insulted you in some way. That was not my intention. You can revise the essay one more time and I will no longer advice you regarding the theme and content. I'll just correct the grammar if you feel that I am overstepping my boundaries here :-) After all, the important thing is that you are comfortable with the content, theme, and the way that you want to present yourself in the essay.

Undergraduate / My life goal is to have a Computer Engineering degree and go to North Texas University [6]

Victor, your academic background is quite interesting. However, there was no need to post a detailed version of it in the forum. What we really need to see here is the essay prompt and your essay that answers the prompt from the university. We can help you put the essay together using the information you provided, but first, you need to write the essay. Just telling us that this is your life goals essay does not give it a direction nor relevance. The relevance of your life goals and its importance comes from the essay prompt from the school. It tells us what the university expects to read about your life goals. After we learn about the expectations of the university regarding the content of the essay, we can help you direct the essay towards answering and fulfilling the expectations of the admission officer.

Your current version tries to answer a prompt, but because you never stated what it was, we can't really tell if you successfully answered it. Right now, the essay is overly long and as such, is cluttered with seemingly unnecessary information. We can help you pick out the information that will address the prompt as soon as you post that information here. For now, it is really difficult to create an opinion or make suggestions because you seem to be trying to cover too many topics and offer too much information for the essay to have a concrete direction.

Kindly post the prompt as soon as possible so that we can better help you edit and revise your essay :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]


- This is what we need to learn about in the essay. This is the essence that will show your maturity, the transition from child to adult. This perfectly sums up self sacrifice on your part. Make particular reference to the fact that you are not looking to compete with your brother. Instead, you want to be in the USA with him as his guiding light and family away from home. this shows your growth as a person who will put the interests of others who are important to you above your own interests and whims. This would fit in perfectly with the idea that you are trying to convey :-) Develop it further and rewrite the last part of the essay in reference to it :-)

Undergraduate / New Orleans crossed through my mind - Why Tulane Essay [7]

Hashim, seeing pictures of the university and hearsay from your friend is not a very good reason for wanting to attend the school. You need to give valid academic reasons for wanting to attend the university. These reasons could range from the school being one of the major universities that offers the major that you intend to take, being inspired by previous graduates of the school who have become notable industry names, and perhaps, personal reasons that you have for wanting to attend the school. The personal reason can be anything from a relative who attended the school, who also encouraged you to go there. Or perhaps fulfilling an academic dream of your parents. It could even be based solely upon your desire to attend an interesting and unique community. You need better and more compelling reasons that the one you are currently using. There is nothing about the essay that you wrote that presents your interest in the school on an academic and student community level. That makes this essay not worth the time that you took to type it. It is not developed properly and does not properly answer the prompt. So you need to revise the paper in a major way. Reflect upon the real reasons that you chose the university. Don't use other people as a reference. They don't matter in this case.