Undergraduate / WHY MADISON? It would find me a great gain to part of their community [5]

- Vinny, the essay is basically asking you to talk about your visit to the campus. I assume that you visited the campus prior to your application? You have to inform them about how you felt the university and its student community will be able to to assist you in your development as a student and as a person. What are the positive aspects of the academic and social community that you sensed during your visit? How do you plan to take advantage of the opportunity that is being offered to you on the academic and social side of your personality? Write what you can about your view of Madison academically and socially and I'll work with you to balance out the information in the way that the essay requires :-)


- Vinny, try this on for size :-)
I first heard about Madison University when I came across Harry Frederick Harlow and his work on the Rhesus Monkeys. As the first director of the Wisconsin Primate Research Center at Madison, I became very keen to learn more about the science department of Madison in our times. What I discovered did not disappoint me. The cutting edge research done by the science department and the well known faculty members of today have only strengthened my desire to attend Madison in an effort to ensure that I receive only the best training and mentoring possible from my chosen academy of learning.


- This is an excellent start to answering the prompt. However, your discussion is quite short. Refer to my guide questions above when you revise and add to the content of this paragraph.


- This does not answer the prompt about the balanced academic society of Madison. I am thinking that you need to explain about how the research you will be doing along with your classmates will provide an excellent balance of academic and social growth since you will be spending most of your time with these students and thus, be developing your academic talents along with them.


- This has nothing to do at all with the social aspect of Madison. This sounds like a part of your old essay that you decided to throw in here because you had nothing to say about the social development you hope to undergo at the university. Here is what I suggest, look back to your campus visit. Remember the electricity that ran through the students on campus? What kind of people were milling on the grounds and not attending class? Why were they there? How do you think you would be able to socially integrate with them when you become a student? This will show the social development and balance that you can bring to the campus as a future student.

Undergraduate / 'the one thing I did enjoy was drawing' - School of Visual Arts-Statement of Intent. My vision. [11]

Hc, your vision as an artist comes into play the minute to start talking about your grandfather and how you used drawing as a way to communicate with him. That is where your vision as an artist lies. In the fact that drawing and arts are a language that people understand, without the need for words. It transcends all boundaries of language and race. Therefore, it makes it an effective communication tool. That is your vision. To further enhance your artistic skills in order to communicate with the world sans words. Your vision is that of a future where art becomes a major form of communicating with one another, etc. The rest of your essay just does not help to answer the prompt. I suggest that you work on my suggestion for your vision. Developing its basis from your experience with your grandfather. Your family troubles did not really help to create your vision as an artist nor give you an intention for becoming one. Your grandfather did that for you. He gave back your artistic vision and gave you a clear intention for becoming a visual artist. Writing the essay from that point of view will definitely satisfy the requirements of the essay prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: It is unrealistic for a school to provide so called parenting training for its students [7]

Hamed, never take a quote from the person advising the original poster who had quoted the original work in the first place. Always take it from the original content. In this case, you should have taken the quote from Mark and not from my advice to him. Doing so could end up insulting the person who is trying to advise the OP. Also, try to offer original advice that the previous adviser or advisers might have missed. Do not just repeat what has already been said. You can however, reinforce the advice given by agreeing with it and then adding your own advice to the thread.

Right now, you just took a quote from my advice thread and told me that I need to improve the content. Study it further and you will see that it is Mark who made the original statement and not me. Always refer to the original post when quoting. Look at my post and you will note that not only quoted the very same text from him but that I told him the introduction was incomplete and he needed to fix it. You basically just repeated what I told him while also telling me that my work on an essay, that is not mine, is incomplete. That is very irresponsible of you. I repeat, do not take quotes from the person offering advice. Always use the original posting in order to avoid future misunderstandings in the thread. Thanks :-)

Undergraduate / The only option I see (College Personal Statement) [6]

Here is an idea, rather than going into great detail about your mother's wedding, why not discuss a comparison instead? That way you can show how Arab women feel that they have only one option in life, that is to marry, as opposed to you, a young Arab woman who has her life and life choices ahead of her? Then you can talk about how you plan to be a role model to the young women in your village, etc. This will strengthen your position about how lucky you are to have choices in life. It will also give you an opportunity to discuss how your mother feels that you should always take advantage of the opportunities coming your way. Relate it to the way that she had limited opportunities to prove herself as a woman and how now, she takes pride in you, the modern Arab woman whom she raised to be independent and strong willed. As for the photo, yes, I am suggesting that you completely take it out and use only the parts that somehow relate to the story you are trying to tell in the essay. Remember, an effective essay knows how to deliver its message in as few paragraphs as possible.

Undergraduate / 'the one thing I did enjoy was drawing' - School of Visual Arts-Statement of Intent. My vision. [11]

Hc, while you presented us with a touching story regarding your constant striving to become an artist, too much time has been spent discussing your parents and the way that they prevented you from achieving your dreams. What we would rather be hearing about is your vision, what is the intention that drives you to continue aspiring to become a visual artist? Why did you always want to become an artist? Let's not dwell on how your parents tried to prevent you from becoming one. Unless, their moves to stop you became the reason that you are trying to become an effective visual artist at the moment. All of the reasons that you stated, even the fact that you took a college course against your will, all should have added up to solidifying your intention to become a visual artist. I am not getting a sense of that in your essay. Instead, you sound more like you are merely complaining about your parents lack of support for your dreams and ambitions. That is not what we want to read about here. Talk to us about your artistic visions. Who inspired you? What is your motivation? What is your ultimate vision as an artist? Tell us about the artist in you, not about how you were prevented from pursuing your artistry.

Undergraduate / The only option I see (College Personal Statement) [6]

- This is not a very good opening statement. In fact, there are only a few portions of this paragraph that you can use in your essay. I would suggest that you open with the second paragraph instead. That has a stronger hook that will interest the readers in what you have to say. The admission officer is not interested in the story of your mother's wedding day unless it immediately relates to you as a person.

- My mother, a child bride at the age of 15, taught me that unlike her, I have options for my future. I decide what my future will be. I should be proud of my accomplishments and never let anything hold me back. Not even racial prejudice. This is something that I proved to myself during my 9th grade Moot Court Competition. When I won and had an amazed woman approach me, asking to have her picture taken with me. As I did not want to seem to be a show-off , I tried to hide my trophy in the picture...

Now you can tell the story of your mother's wedding day and close with the picture that you hold so dear to your heart :-) Don't forget to thank your parents for moving to the U.S. and thus allowing you to have options that you would not have had in the old country. Try my suggestions so we can see if the essay will flow better. Expect to polish the paper some more as we go along :-)

Undergraduate / Everyone is in his or her own "little world" - COMMON APP ESSAY [5]

We can try to align you answer to the essay prompt in the following manner:

1. Write a paragraph describing your experience with intolerance. Go into vivid detail. Describe how you felt at that moment.
2. Reflect upon your life in India and the tolerance that existed for you there. Explain how you felt when you know that you were being tolerated.

3. Compare and contrast the two experiences in terms of how content you feel due to the tolerance in India.
4. Reiterate the importance of the tolerance India offers in your opinion. This will explain why you feel content in the country instead of just a particular place there.

Let's see if this will work. We can make adjustments along the way :-)

Undergraduate / I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy - Penn State Personal Statement [13]

I see a way that we can solve the transition problem at the beginning of your essay. We need to totally eliminate the first paragraph;


We should delete that portion and immediately jump to:


By doing that, we manage to introduce the fact that you come from a business oriented family and offer the information that you do not share the same interests with the rest of your family members at the same time. I feel that doing so immediately makes the essay align with the prompt and offers a smoother transition within the paper.

- While my family was not supportive of my plans to enter the field of science at the start, they eventually came around to supporting me when I won a major scientific competition at my school along with my friends. We had teamed up for the World Water Day Challenge where we pooled our ideas and resources together in order to create a winning project. While I suggested that we write a paper explaining how Hydroelectric Power works, a team member suggested that we go a step further and build a mini model depicting the power we were explaining in order to help visualize our explanation. While I was disappointed that my idea was merged with my friend's idea, I knew that it was a sacrifice that I had to make for the team. Eventually, my research paper idea was totally set aside in lieu of a mini model project. I was totally disheartened at this point but I decided to set my pride aside and work with the team because the idea of the mini model would only work if we all dedicated ourselves to making it the best model that we could. Our water turbine that used electromagnetic induction to create electricity won the competition because we were able to produce 0.2v of electricity, a major breakthrough in terms of mini models at the time of the competition. While it seemed an almost impossible task at first, we were able to work together as a team in order to create the platform that would lead to our victory. My family recognized my potential in the field after that and no longer tried to dissuade me from entering the scientific field anymore.

Try out my suggested format for your accomplishment above. See if it works for you. If it does, try to develop a strong concluding statement to support it. I'll help you clean it up :-)

Writing Feedback / Angel from Heaven (Memoir) [2]

This is a very well thought out and developed essay. However the part about your taking the first Math test goes overboard in terms of information and drags the essay down y slowing down the pace of your narrative. Try to shorten it and jump to the results as soon as you can. The focal point of the essay should be the relationship development between you and your sister instead through the tutorial sessions that you had with her.

There is something that puzzles me about this essay though, you titled it "Angel from Heaven (Memoir)" with a title like that, it would seem like your older sister died later on and you failed to mention it in the essay? If I am mistaken, then the admission officer will also be mistaken in his perception of your essay. So it would be best if you changed the title to something more relevant to the story you are telling.

Grammatical errors abound in your essay but I am refraining from correcting those parts until you have successfully shortened your essay. This will limit the number of revisions you will have to make with your paper. Once the essay is shortened the words you used will also change so it is best to edit the grammar after the revision :-)

Undergraduate / Everyone is in his or her own "little world" - COMMON APP ESSAY [5]


- This does not answer the essay prompt at all. You are supposed to mention a place where you feel comfortable and content. It is not about a sense of attachment to a tradition and culture. Right now, your paper sounds more defensive of India rather than being a place where you feel comfortable and content. I can understand your saying that you are attached to its tradition of tolerance. However, there is nothing about tolerance that should make you comfortable and content in a place. If it does, then you should develop that sentiment better in order to explain the contentment and comfort that you feel in that place. You don't need to use such a long introduction. Go direct to the point and explain your reasons. A wordy essay does not equate to an informative essay. Just answer the prompt directly. If your comfortable place is the country, then explain why, making reference to tolerance whenever applicable within your paper. Right now, your essay does not align with the prompt.

Undergraduate / The only option I see (College Personal Statement) [6]

The first thing that I need to ask you for is the personal essay prompt from the university you are applying to. Without that information, it will be hard to tell if you have written the essay in a satisfactory manner that answers the prompt. Don't try to write a generalized essay for your personal application because it will vary in content based upon the university you apply to. You need a definite prompt for college essay applications. I hope you can provide it so that we can properly comment on the content of your paper.

Since I prefer to wait on the prompt for your essay before I correct any grammar issues, I will just give you a simple review of your paper. The strength of your paper lies in the fact that it draws upon a personal experience and a realization, a learning, that most women your age would not learn about in the Western world. Such lofty ambitions on your part should be admired and encouraged because of the world that your parents came from.

Now the part about your winning the competition, somehow, it makes me sense that you feel hindered in a way by your own culture and traditions? I might be wrong because I know that you are proud to be who you are. Perhaps there would be a better way of restating that portion. Of course it will all depend upon the prompt that you provide us with.

Basically, there are a number of important points that can be adjusted within your essay. Like I said, we need to know what your prompt is in order to properly advise you. So I will leave my comments here for now. Get the prompt to us and we will help you polish your statement :-)

Undergraduate / 'obsessed over Crime TV shows' - Rutgers transfer essay [2]

blove, you are looking to become a criminal justice lawyer right? So mentioning shows like CSI, wanting to become a policeman and the like are not exactly the best examples to give in this paper. Rather, I believe that legal based shows such as the Good Wife and others would best represent your interests in criminal justice. Your paper is too generic in feel and content at this moment. You did not truly discuss your personal plans and goals for the future in such a way that you touched on how Rutger would be able to help you achieve these dreams. Does Rutger have an internship program you feel will help you develop into the lawyer (or whatever) you want to become in the future? Exactly how does a Rutger education fit into your plans? What is your current major? What made you decide to shift majors? How did you decide that Rutger would be the best university to transfer to? These are but a few questions that you need to spell out for the admission officer in your transfer essay.

So you need to define you career path at least in an educational sense for this paper to work. What is your end goal? Be specific as to how you expect Rutger to help you get to that point. Don't just say criminal justice. Say something about the training you hope to achieve as you work towards becoming (mention your goal).


- Exactly how do you expect Rutger to help you achieve this? That is why the essay is asking you to explain.


- There was nothing in the essay remotely asking about a scholarship. So this is not the place to mention that. Save that information for your scholarship app. This is a transfer app.

Writing Feedback / I BELIEVE IN PICTURES - they have power of repairing unrepairable hearts [6]

Redy, the main problem with your paper is that you did not provide an interesting hook with which to reel in the reader. Without that hook, your paper was uninteresting at the start. I suggest that you bring up this portion


as the introductory paragraph of your paper. This is a very strong hook that tells the reader that you have something interesting to say.


- Redy, the uncertain tone of your voice does not instill any confidence in your belief. It provides a shaky image of what you believe in. It tells us that your point of view will eventually change. That is why it was important to bring up the portion about the picture beforehand. We need to create a strong and solid voice for you. The essay can also be shortened because what you have to say could actually be said in a few sentences instead of 2 boring paragraphs.

- I grew up in a lovely, family-centric unit that had a tight and unbreakable bond. We believed more in each other than we did in God. Somehow, we viewed our family as immortal. That is until the untimely death of my father. A death that changed everything I believed in about memories and my family.

- How you felt and reacted to the demise of your father should be a separate paragraph.


- Why do you believe this happened to you? What were you trying to block out about your father's memories that prevented you from recalling his face? What was the catalyst for your believe in pictures?

- I can't really say what it was that erased my father's face from my memories. Try as hard as I could to remember his features in my mind during the times when I needed his comfort, I always failed. Something was holding me back from remembering him on my own. The only way I could remember him, was through his pictures strewn throughout the house in photo frames and family albums.


- Then one day, I was fifteen at the time, I really needed to feel connected with my father. I felt a need to talk to him. So I took one of his photos to bed with me that night. It was the picture that I felt brought him back to life. With his curved lips smiling at me, his eyes seeming to listen to what I have to say, and his overall facial expression of love staring back at me, I finally began to recall my father in my mind. Not the father from the pictures I had been looking at for 3 years, but the father who I had with me till I was twelve. Everything I remembered about him came rushing back, all because of a well photographed picture that seemed to capture his very essence in life.


- For three years of my life, I had been mourning the loss of my father. The loss of the person I considered my guiding light. For the past three years, I felt my family was incomplete, no longer immortal. It took a simple picture to remind me that my family was immortal. That my father continued to live on within me. In my actions and in my words. In my mind, he will always be concerned, storytelling, happy - go - lucky man who used to teach me about the simple life. In my mind, he will never age, he will forever be young and vibrant, even when I am old and gray. It took a picture to remind me of all that. The picture reminded me that my family was not broken even though one member was missing. It took a picture to help repair my broken heart, strengthen my belief in my family, and give me the confidence I needed to go on living. Without that picture of my father, my life would have turned out to be much different from what it is today. That is why I strongly believe that pictures can heal broken hearts and give people courage when they falter in life.

I hope you consider my suggestions while you work on improving the vividness of your paper :-)

Writing Feedback / Internet is the most considerable invention due to its simplicity of gaining new knowledge. [3]

Your essay has a number of problems that I will list down for you. You need to address those content problems before we can proceed with correcting the grammar errors.


- Vns, this statement does not make any sense towards the end. convenience and rapidity of what? Why do people believe that the internet is the most crucial invention evern in your opinion? Why is it not? While you gave us a shaky personal opinion on the matter, you failed to present both sides that you are expected to be discussing within the essay.


- Why should people agree with you? Can't they disagree with you? Rethink your statement, did the internet really make life easier for most people? If so, present evidence as to how that was achieved via the internet. What internet invention made it possible to make life easier for people? Nice discussion of the opposite point of view in the same context. However, you did not develop that idea with solid evidence to support your answer. So you need to go back and review how you can strengthen that argument. Your example is weak. Pizza is delivered these days through a phone call to the restaurant. The internet is not imperative for that. Try to choose a different example of something we could not do then that we can do now. Such as share access to world wide information, stay in touch with friends and relatives even if they live overseas, etc. In order to prove the crucial aspect of this invention, you need to use stronger examples and reasoning.


- This does not disprove the crucial aspect of the internet invention. Rather, this shows the practicality of the application since it allows us to gain access to anybody anytime. There must be a different and stronger drawback to the internet than that. Are you sure not many people need the internet? This particular statement is very weak and can easily be torn down by the simplest thinking internet defender. So you need to revise this portion as well. Strengthen it. Do research. Your examples are not even very applicable to the reason you stated because time management is all that a student needs in order to complete his school tasks. The internet is optional when you think of it that way. Also, make it clear that this is still your opinion so that you won't have to write a separate opinion paragraph.


-Nice conclusion, it is just too bad that you were not able to develop that idea better within the essay. Instead, it looks like you are presenting a new idea here so it should be a new paragraph instead.

Writing Feedback / Modern Technology is creating a single world culture? [3]

Hi Hamed :-) Let's see what we can do to further improve your paper :-)


- Hamed, you lost track of the keywords in the prompt so the full content of your discussion ended up wrong. The key to the prompt is this :

Modern Technology is creating a single world culture. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement.

. You are therefore supposed to discuss the emerging single world culture that modern technology affords the people of today. Let me explain what is meant by a single world culture in this prompt so that you can revise your essay properly :-)

Consider the following Hamed, people all over the world dress in the same westernized manner. There are very few country's left that have not been penetrated by the internet and cable television which has allowed people to be strongly influenced by the traditions and culture of the more dominant American way of life. People have absorbed the Western culture world wide because of the far reaching influence of their celebrities, news programs, and other aspects of social life. This is normally done via the internet and television. That said, you will also notice that people are more westernized in thinking these days rather than traditional or cultural.

Read the news articles and notice how international events seem to have counterparts in various countries. One such event is the Occupy Wall Street movement that is currently being emulated in Hong Kong. These are all signs of a world that is beginning to develop a single culture. We are becoming more united as nations even if we are divided by a language because of the influence that modern technology has had in our lives. Our world is now almost singular in thought and mode of life because of the influence of globalized technology.

Hopefully, I was able to clearly explain to you about the basis of a single world culture and you can revise your essay using that guide. As of now, your essay answers the prompt but not totally. You speak of various cultures and social influences instead of concentrating on the single world culture. Try to discuss this from the point of view that people do not even realize that they are becoming a part of a single world culture because the influence of social media and technology in our lives results in a seamless absorption and practice of the culture of the westernized world.

Don't forget the opposing opinion. Supporting it with samples coming out of Communist China where the people are prevented from being influenced by the single world culture phenomenon.

Undergraduate / I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy - Penn State Personal Statement [13]

Harsh, there is just something missing in the essay. I believe it is because we are not talking about an activity that could prove your ability to succeed at Penn State. Yes, we are talking about how your family initially tried to lure you away from science but there needs to be something more to the essay than that. We need an activity or experience that stems from your personal life that can prove your ability to shine as a Penn State student.

I am thinking along the lines of a scientific experiment or theory that you may have encountered in the past that you had to work on to prove alone or with a team of people. Upon deeper review of the essay prompt, I believe that it is asking you something deeper than we thought. It is asking you to prove that you can be a team player and an individual player whenever necessary. The choice of whether to portray yourself as a team member, leader, or individualist is yours to make.

The essay needs to present yourself in a strong light. A person who has the ability to work and succeed with minimal to no supervision. Someone who can accomplish tasks in life regardless of the obstacles before him. We need the story that proves this strength of character in you. Present your greatest achievement, it could be science related or not. All we need is to show your ability to succeed in any undertaking you put your mind to. It sounds to me like you have done a number of science experiments at the high school level that impressed your teachers. Perhaps you could borrow from one of those tasks?

Sorry about having to ask you to revise the whole essay. This is how developing an app essay works. We could go through a number of versions before we finally settle on the one that totally fits the demands of the prompt. I am asking you to be patient. We will all work with you for as long as it takes to help you develop the best essay for your prompt :-)

Undergraduate / 'Whenever you plan, you should always start early, since anything can happen'; CommonApp essay [3]

hp, this is a very engaging and learning lesson to share with the admission officer. I admire you for being able to speak about such a public humiliation years after it happened. The lesson that you learned is quite applicable to almost everything that you will be doing and encountering during your college life. That said, we can work on improving the minimal grammar problems that your essay contains. I might make a few content suggestions here and there for your consideration as well. There are some portions of your essay that can be edited to make it shorter but concise so I will take the liberty of doing that for some of your paragraphs as well. Feel free to use any or all of my suggestions if you wish :-)


- During my 2nd year of high school, my friends and I decided to form a band and participate in the annual school talent show that is normally held midway in the academic year. We began rehearsing 2 weeks before the competition and began to develop our skills as a band over time. A week before the competition, our lead singer quit because he was not confident he could perform on stage. Even though we tried our best to persuade him not to quit, we eventually ended up with a different lead singer who unfortunately, did not know the first song we chose to perform. Quickly changing songs,we had only a few days to learn the song and build up our confidence about performing it in public.


- Though we were not totally confident about our skills, we walked onto the performance stage on the day of the talent show, nervousness written all over our faces. Just when we were about to pull off the full performance, I fumbled and dropped the ball. I missed the cue for my guitar solo because I was distracted by the warm reception of the audience. By the time I started playing it was too late. I was out of rhythm and out of tune. Needless to say, the audience went silent and was short of booing our performance. Knowing I had let my friends down, I felt like crying right there, in the middle of the stage. While everyone knew of my failure, I refused to talk to anyone about it. Shutting myself off from everyone else for the rest of the day.


- In hindsight, I would have to say that the experience could be chalked up to the "folly of youth" on my part. Whether I entered the competition along with my friends planning to win or not, I was overconfident in my skills as a performer and thought I was prepared for anything that would come my way onstage. Except, I forgot to make allowances for being a distracted first time performer. That, along with other lessons, taught me the value of preparation in building up self confidence. These day, I always start preparing early for anything I do. I make at least 3 contingency plans in case something might go wrong during the event, and I remind myself to focus and concentrate on what I should be doing regardless of what is going on around me. I no longer rush into situations without considering what might happen and what the consequences of my ill - timed actions might be. Most importantly, I learned that giving in to pressure will never result in any positive results In the end, the failure of my band resulted in my maturing as an individual. Learning to take responsibility for my actions, and preparing for possible scenarios were the most important take away lessons that I was given on the day that I embarrassed myself and lost the competition with my band.

Writing Feedback / Who am I? 'do my best and let my God do the rest' - homework task [5]

Ischa, here is a piece of advice that I believe you will benefit from due to the way that your essay is currently structured. Your essay is currently suffering from cluttered thoughts. You need to learn to divide the essay into paragraphs. Each paragraph will deal with a specific topic for discussion. A normal essay will be composed of at least 3-5 paragraphs containing 3-5 sentences (minimum) each.

With every topic that you assign to a paragraph, you can completely develop your thoughts and explain what it is you want to say about that topic. Currently, your essay has under developed topics because you compiled all of your topics and thoughts into one paragraph. That makes the essay hard to read and directionless in the eyes of the reader. You lose the interest of your reader the minute you suddenly changed topics from being an eldest child then industrial engineering, Then without warning, you switched back to a discussion about your father. All of that switching around makes the reader lose his place and destroys the flow of thought and conversation that the reader is forming in his mind. This can have a very severe effect on the final grade of your paper.

At this point, your essay does not even have an effective conclusion that could give us a solid idea of who you really are. I can tell that you are excited about being able to talk about yourself in written form. So don't lose heart. All essays undergo at least 3 revisions (for the simple ones like these) before the paper is finally ready to be submitted. If you can follow the instructions I gave you and re-post the essay in the new format here, I am confident that we can all chip in and help you clean up the paper so that you can be confident that the paper represents you very well upon submission to your professor :-)

Undergraduate / I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy - Penn State Personal Statement [13]


- This is actually a very interesting part of your essay that I hoped you would have developed further. Perhaps making it the central point of your essay since you were part of a family that was more number than science inclined. Developing this line of discussion would have shown you are able to develop and succeed even when those around you do not have the same interests as you. Perhaps explaining whether your family supported your interest in science would have also added a nice touch to the discussion. The paragraph after this one really did not relate to the above paragraph. Actually, the rest of your essay disconnected from the very strong introduction you made. Would you be very mad if I ask you revise the paper to be more in line with your introductory paragraph? While your essay is good, I believe that telling the admission officer a story regarding how you succeeded in developing your interests in science when you came from a business inclined family would make for an interesting read and tell us a lot about yourself that would not normally be presented in the common app essay, personal statement, or statement of purpose :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Task2 -Should all the zoos be closed? [6]

katjawanna, your essay presents a very interesting and highly controversial topic for discussion. The two sides to the issue, as well as your point of view are also good supporting facts. However, all three suffer from under development and grammatical problems. I will present suggestions and corrections below.


- Due to the grammatical problems contained in your introduction, it has become incomprehensible. Let me restate this for you so that you can get a clearer idea of how your introduction should have been presented:

Zoos are a popular gathering place for people worldwide. It offers an educational and safe gathering place for families to see animals that normally would be in the wild. These animals are kept in cages in order to entertain and educate people about these various species. However, zoo's are seen as inhumane and barbaric places where animals suffer maltreatment and death at the hands of humans. Therefore, the are two points of discussion that are engaged in the existence of zoo's. One side, feels that animals benefit from being put on display for human study because the animals are protected and prevented from going extinct as they would in the wild. However, the other side feels that zoo's must be closed because it is a cruel place that maltreats animals for the benefit of human entertainment. While both sides have their strong points, I personally believe that zoo's should be closed. This paper will present all sides of the issue, including my point of view, for the reader's education and consideration, leaving the final decision of which side to support, up to the reader.


- Those who oppose the existence of zoo's do so based upon their belief that animals, far from being in a protected habitat, actually suffer at the hands of their human handlers. Living in enclosed spaces that are not similar to their habitat in the wild at all, the animals are on display for tourists to enjoy in their private amazon. These animals lose their natural instincts for survival and forget how to survive in the wild. They lose their nature granted right to freedom. The loss of their natural habitat also causes unseen health complications for the animals. All of the aforementioned reasons are not considered important enough by those who support the existence of zoo's to warrant the consideration that zoo's may not exactly be the best place to care for wild animals. However these are considerations that those who support the closure of zoo's have in mind when advocating for their cause.


- The importance for zoo's in the point of view of those who believe that zoo's should remain open, rests on the fact that zoo's were originally created to protect animals whose native habitats have been damaged or destroyed by acts of nature and man. In exchange for human protection of these animals, all the zoologists and zoo keepers ask is that they be allowed to observe the animals and people be allowed to see the animals for educational purposes.

- The discussion is a bit weak at this point, I suggest you add one more reason to give further credence to the claim that zoo's should remain open.


-Your perspective / point of view cannot be your concluding statement. You cannot present a new idea as a conclusion. Therefore, you should discuss and develop your point of view within 3-5 sentences, creating a new paragraph. Then you can write a separate concluding statement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The chief factor of someone to prosper is the goal of that person; talent isn't a must [2]


- Your introduction is good in the sense that it gives a restated prompt. It also gives an overview of what to expect in the discussion. However,it fails when it comes to the part about addressing your personal opinion as the thesis statement. You neglected to present your point of view as a part of the discussion. That is one of the most important aspects of the essay that you should not have neglected. So state your opinion on the topic before you launch into your opinion discussion.


- This is a very weak argument that does not offer any supporting evidence in terms of people born with talent. A look into the history of music, making mention of Mozart, or Beethoven, would have easily supported this point since they were child protegees. For sports, you can mention Tiger Woods among the many notable names of sports figures born with talent. Your job at the end of this paragraph would have been to oppose the argument that people are born with talent. This will lead into the next paragraph that discusses how people are not born with talent but they develop their abilities instead.


- Your opposing argument is wrong. You need to discuss the facts behind the belief that children can be taught sports and music which in the process, allows them to develop their talent. That is the requirement of the prompt.


- You cannot conclude the essay yet. You have not presented your opinion and discussed it yet. You can only conclude this essay after you present your point of view. That said, you know that the conclusion does not allow you present new ideas at the end of the essay. So simply restate the thesis, summarize the facts, and repeat your opinion in a separate concluding paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Educational Inequality Essay - UT Austin Essay E [4]

You sound like you are trying to lecture the admission officer rather than offering him or her an insight into why educational inequality is an important issue to you. Here is what I suggest, integrate this information into your plans for the future. Discuss how you plan to make waves and institute changes in education at the level where you can in order to lay the foundation for educational equality. That way you can use most of the important information above in a less lecturing manner and in the process, present reasons that the issue is important to you while selling the reader on the idea that you have real plans that you wish to see become a reality in order to solve the problem.

Overall though, the essay is quite strong and shows that you are truly connected and concerned about the issue. We just need to make you sound less lecturing and more pro-active. It would help if you could mention some volunteer activities that you currently engage in that try to address the problem of educational inequality.

Writing Feedback / Who am I? 'do my best and let my God do the rest' - homework task [5]


- Isha, is this the essay prompt? Are you supposed to present a generalized discussion about yourself? Is there a word limit? The reason I ask is because your essay is extremely short and bunches topics which should be separate paragraphs into a single paragraph. Such a format is not professional and shows a lack of academic level writing skills. Please let us know what your parameters were for this essay so that we can help you format and develop your ideas further.

I feel that I have to refrain from commenting about your grammar mistakes and sentence problems until we have sorted out the requirements of your essay. That way we can limit the number of revisions that you have to do. Correcting those errors at this point, without knowing what the admission officer expects to read and how long it should be, would be a futile exercise. Once we know the requirements of the essay, we may ask you to change or develop the content either to develop or lessen the concentration on certain topics.

Please let us know the instructions for your essay soon so that we can properly review and advise you regarding the grammar, writing, and content of the paper. Thanks :-)

Undergraduate / "You have put in the miles..." Cross-Country Running (College Essay) [5]

I am wondering what the prompt is for this essay? If you can tell me what it is, I will be able to help you decide whether to concentrate on just the running or just the flashback part. By deciding to focus on only one story, you will be able to cut down the content of the essay and present a stronger supporting statement to your thesis in the process. In fact, that is one major problem I have while reading your essay. Your introduction concentrates on your competition but does not offer a thesis statement that will give the reader an inkling about the subject, theme, or topic of the essay. That is why you need to clarify the introduction and the prompt for me.

At this point, the essay has improved. But because you keep transferring from one story to another, It gets confusing for the reader. It lacks transition sentences that will help the reader prepare for a flashback or a flash forward. The sudden transitions actually shock the reader. I for one felt like I lost my place each time the transition hit me because I was not prepared for the change in setting. It became confusing towards the end because the two stories are telling me two different things about you. Rather than coming together in a single idea or point going towards your conclusion.

So here is what I suggest, let us know what the actual prompt is and then revise the essay by concentrating on developing only one of the two stories. Or develop both as separate essays and then post it here so we can help you choose between the two :-)

Undergraduate / My life goal is to have a Computer Engineering degree and go to North Texas University [6]


- This is a very weak introduction. It does not really provide a strong thesis statement for you. There is no need to introduce yourself and your background. Rather your thesis statement should present your life goal immediately and then present an overview of how you plan to achieve that life goal. Your succeeding paragraphs should only work on detailing your overview statement.


- This is not your goal. This can never be your goal because you can attend any school in order to complete your degree. Instead, your focus should be on stating a life goal along the line of "My goal in life is become one of the leading and notable names in computer engineering in the future. In order to achieve this goal, I have created a 10 year career plan for myself" This is what your introduction should contain.


- The first 4 years of my plan involve completing my computer engineering degree as the top graduate of my class. I plan to complete this goal by spending... ( talk about your study habits)

- The next paragraphs should detail your work plans which should include working at Silicone Valley, developing software and apps during your free time that you hope to sell to the highest bidder, or ideas along those lines.


- This is a very weak conclusion and does not instill confidence in your plans as a student. I have already provided you with template content for a life goal essay. Just follow the instructions and you should be able to pull this off :-)

Don't hesitate to let me know if you have any questions, I'll be glad to guide your through this paper :-)

Undergraduate / New Orleans crossed through my mind - Why Tulane Essay [7]

Hashim, the comment that you read about personal experience was from the blog of one admission officer. That is not necessarily the criteria for all the admission officers of the school. However, if you want to put something about personal experience, I suggest you take a tour of the campus and input some information about that visit. The current version of your essay still has a generalized feel to it. Not really discussing your future goals and reasons for admission to Tulane. Here is what I think can help you better write this essay :

1. List down your reasons for applying to medical school.
2. List down the reasons you opted for Tulane over the other obvious choices in terms of universities.
3. Relate list 1 to list 2 in order to create the solid reason for your choice of Tulane.
4. List your ideal student community criteria.
5.Look up the student community traits of Tulane.
6. Integrate your ideal community with Tulane's community.
7. This creates your strong optional essay.

As an option, you can discuss something about your future goal related to medical research or treatment and explain how Tulanae's training and internship programs can benefit from your forward thinking attitude.

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Sorry about that. It was my mistake. Don't get riled up :-) My intention was to present you as a childish daughter prior to your realization about your actions and how you needed to mature fast. You used to be a child and then you grew up, you matured, developed a new outlook in life. I guess it did not come across the way I thought it would with you.

Listen, the final decision about the content and format of the essay belongs to you. I can only offer my suggestions and opinions based upon my 14 years of admission and scholarship essay writing experience. I am not saying I know all the answers, but I have a pretty good idea of what the admission officers and scholarship foundations normally look for in their applicants. I am here to share that experience and expertise with you.

How the essay finally turns out is your call. I apologize if I insulted you in some way. That was not my intention. You can revise the essay one more time and I will no longer advice you regarding the theme and content. I'll just correct the grammar if you feel that I am overstepping my boundaries here :-) After all, the important thing is that you are comfortable with the content, theme, and the way that you want to present yourself in the essay.

Undergraduate / My life goal is to have a Computer Engineering degree and go to North Texas University [6]

Victor, your academic background is quite interesting. However, there was no need to post a detailed version of it in the forum. What we really need to see here is the essay prompt and your essay that answers the prompt from the university. We can help you put the essay together using the information you provided, but first, you need to write the essay. Just telling us that this is your life goals essay does not give it a direction nor relevance. The relevance of your life goals and its importance comes from the essay prompt from the school. It tells us what the university expects to read about your life goals. After we learn about the expectations of the university regarding the content of the essay, we can help you direct the essay towards answering and fulfilling the expectations of the admission officer.

Your current version tries to answer a prompt, but because you never stated what it was, we can't really tell if you successfully answered it. Right now, the essay is overly long and as such, is cluttered with seemingly unnecessary information. We can help you pick out the information that will address the prompt as soon as you post that information here. For now, it is really difficult to create an opinion or make suggestions because you seem to be trying to cover too many topics and offer too much information for the essay to have a concrete direction.

Kindly post the prompt as soon as possible so that we can better help you edit and revise your essay :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]


- This is what we need to learn about in the essay. This is the essence that will show your maturity, the transition from child to adult. This perfectly sums up self sacrifice on your part. Make particular reference to the fact that you are not looking to compete with your brother. Instead, you want to be in the USA with him as his guiding light and family away from home. this shows your growth as a person who will put the interests of others who are important to you above your own interests and whims. This would fit in perfectly with the idea that you are trying to convey :-) Develop it further and rewrite the last part of the essay in reference to it :-)

Undergraduate / New Orleans crossed through my mind - Why Tulane Essay [7]

Hashim, seeing pictures of the university and hearsay from your friend is not a very good reason for wanting to attend the school. You need to give valid academic reasons for wanting to attend the university. These reasons could range from the school being one of the major universities that offers the major that you intend to take, being inspired by previous graduates of the school who have become notable industry names, and perhaps, personal reasons that you have for wanting to attend the school. The personal reason can be anything from a relative who attended the school, who also encouraged you to go there. Or perhaps fulfilling an academic dream of your parents. It could even be based solely upon your desire to attend an interesting and unique community. You need better and more compelling reasons that the one you are currently using. There is nothing about the essay that you wrote that presents your interest in the school on an academic and student community level. That makes this essay not worth the time that you took to type it. It is not developed properly and does not properly answer the prompt. So you need to revise the paper in a major way. Reflect upon the real reasons that you chose the university. Don't use other people as a reference. They don't matter in this case.

Undergraduate / 'questioning all that you have stood for' - College application essay [2]

While I commend you for your strong faith the bonds of family, I believe that the essay became under developed because of that particular concentration. The prompt clearly states;


The main focus of your essay should therefore be on the cancer of your mother and how you coped with it. Describe the challenges that your family faced and how it affected your relationship as a family unit. How did having to deal with the aftermath of diagnosis affect you as a person? Did is affect you in such a way that it helped give your life direction and purpose? Cancer is an illness that teaches a tremendous amount of life lessons and either improves or destroys the family as a unit. Touch on those topics and how you were involved with either solving the problem or further enhancing the family bond. What we need to learn about is your experience and how you came out of it, hopefully, as a new and improved version of yourself. The sermon is good to read about but only in as far as it applies to your personal development during this time of crisis. Otherwise, the voice of the pastor is really unnecessary in this essay.

Undergraduate / "Hey man, you should check out Baylor" - supplement essay [4]

Okay, this essay sounds more like you are taking David's recommendation that you attend Baylor more than anything else. I suggest you tone down the David part, concentrating instead upon what you learned about Baylor from you research and possibly an on campus visit that opened you up to the Baylor community. In fact, you can even look into the notable names of people who graduated from Baylor that work in the field that you are interested in .That will definitely help establish the reason behind your choice for Baylor. Mention something specific such as notable professors you look forward to working with. Or taking advantage of the internship opportunities they offer. You need to present your idea of the Baylor experience as the reason that you want to attend the university. As such, you will also be able to show how you will be an asset to the student community as well. Perhaps by mentioning the clubs you are interested in joining or organizations that you look forward to volunteering for. These will help enhance the part of the essay that asks you to discuss your future contribution to Baylor as a student. Right now, the essay is lacks substance and does not really answer the prompt in a good, strong, and informed manner. I believe that a revision is definitely in order.

Undergraduate / "Life moves pretty fast..." - review my Villanova University Supplement Essay [2]

Supreeth, your essay is heading in 2 different directions at the moment. Making it difficult to find the focus of your paper. First you talk about ;


But then you never followed through on that discussion. I thought that this question was the introduction to that person, place, thing, or action that sets your heart on fire. Instead, you introduce us to something new that is almost unrelated to the question you posed.

Suddenly, we are in New York and learning about your visit there. You let us into your world by telling us about topics and situations that affect you. Yet you never really discuss how these little peeves manage to strike up a fire in your heart. I suggest that you choose the one thing that truly riles you up. Something that you feel you have to do something about or are actually doing something about already. That way you can fully develop your answer to the prompt in such a manner that your concern and fire, the passion that you have for that task of advocacy will shine through.

Undergraduate / "You have put in the miles..." Cross-Country Running (College Essay) [5]

LPMG, it would be easier for us to review this essay if we knew what the supporting prompt is. Kindly supply that when you have the time for a more accurate review of your work. Overall though, this is a pretty solid effort at writing a narrative from two perspectives. However, I felt like there was a disconnection between the last 2 paragraphs about your running and the past events in your life that you had to overcome. The essay would benefit from more development of the past events in your life as I believe that is the concentration of the paper?

As for the last paragraph, you beat a personal record in running. But I did not see how that reflected a past experience of yours. What exactly were you trying to beat throughout your life? How does that relate to your experience in running? Can you possibly merge the lesson that you learned from the past and your present success into a paragraph that shows us how you developed a new insight regarding yourself or life?

I can probably make better comments after I read the prompt. So I will leave my opinions about the paper at this for now. Your grammar problems can be addressed later on. Let's tackle the essay one review section at a time :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]


- I often spent time away from home, sometimes not going home at all, in order to escape my home troubles.


- ... decided to rebuild my trust...


- The sacrifice my parents were making for my benefit was something that touched me deeply. I knew it was going to be hard for them to help me achieve my dream but the fact that they were willing to support my passion when other parents would have told their child to forget the dream, told me that my parents truly loved me and were willing to do anything to help me succeed in life. I could no longer carry a grudge against my parents, my father in particular, after he threw his support behind me.


- Where I was once a rebellious and spoiled daughter, I became more empathic towards the needs of my family and parents.


- Combine the remaining sentences with the previous paragraph about wanting to do well because your father gambled on you.


- You spoke of learning how to give of yourself which is why you are putting your brother's dreams as a reason for your sacrifice. However, by seeking scholarships abroad, you are not truly making a sacrifice for your brother. Your parents will still have to spend for your board and lodging, help you out financially whenever necessary, and spend to send you home during vacations and holidays. That is not exactly the way an adult and responsible sibling would react to the dreams of his or her sibling, I suggest you really rethink that statement. The adult and responsible thing to do would be to put your own plans for studying abroad on hold and helping your family to send you sibling abroad instead. While in the meantime, you save for your own future in order to go abroad for further education. You are still competing with your brother, financially, and that will affect your parents life and finances worse than the stock market gamble because this is an overseas gamble they may not recover from. I strongly encourage you to rethink the reason for the scholarship. Not your brother. Talk about financial hardship and how with a younger brother, you need to free your family from their financial obligation to you. Talk of working part time or doing things to help you stay in school in the United States. The talk about the competition with your brother just does not leave a good image of you as an "adult". You still come across a selfish and self-centered once you mention the competition with your brother. There is no disguising it. There is no sugar coating it. That is why I am trying to get you to stop talking about your brother in relation to your aspirations for studies abroad. There is nothing "adult" about this action at all. It completely destroys the foundation you built earlier in the essay. However, if you wish to continue on this path of discussion, then there is nothing I can do or say to change your mind.

Undergraduate / "BEST BUDDIES", significant event in my life- college entrance essay [3]

Karina, while you present a good idea of the work that you do with Best Buddies, I am still unclear as to how your participation in the organization led to one of the more recent significant events in your life. Your statement presents only a generalized idea about the work of the organization and how you participated in it. While this provides an excellent overview of the mission of the organization, that is not what the essay requires from you. What we need to learn about is the significant event in your life that took place during your time working with the organization.

I suggest that you tell a story in relation to this significant event. Narrate the story of one of the more memorable kids in the group that you were able to help. Discuss the situation the child was in. Let us know how you connected with him and how you helped him overcome the problem he was involved in. Let us into your world as a volunteer friend. We need to know why this child and his situation stood out in particular for you. Describe how you were affected by the situation and how it has affected your development as a person. That will show us the importance and relevance of this event in your life.

Undergraduate / WHY MADISON? It would find me a great gain to part of their community [5]

- Do you know more about how Frederick Harlow was influenced by the academic community of Madison? If you can make a connection between coming to understand that and the way you hope the university can influence you as well, you will have created an interesting opening statement that presents you are an inquiring mind that can bring further prestige to the university in the future.


- Instead of portraying yourself as a self taught person, talk about looking forward to working with their community instead. Explain what you have to come to understand about their closely knit student campus and how you feel that exposure to both the academic and social aspects of Madison will help you learn more in a balanced environment that offers equal priority to the academic and social development of its students.


- Only speak of your current extra curricular activities where you excel. If you are only interested in an activity but cannot offer the school anything that will enhance their team roster, they won't really be interested in hearing about it. Be truthful. Don't be afraid to tell them if you don't have any extra curricular activities that are related to sports. Talk of your true interests. Do not change yourself for the sake of admission to the school. You may find it difficult to defend in the event of an actual interview or fact checking by the admission officer.

Graduate / I CAN COMPETE WITH TALENTED STUDENTS FROM ALLOVER THE WORLD - SYRACUSE Personal statement [2]


- nikhi, the first sentence is just a filler so delete it. Your true opening statement starts with "I believe..." That is the strongest statement you can make to start this paper off.


- Merge these two statements into one and use the rest of the space in the paragraph to fully explain how you plan to become a positive addition to the campus community. How long have you worked with L2B? How has that helped you become a well - rounded person? Why do you plan to continue helping them in the future? Can you do the same for your community members who need your help?


- What are the highlights of their CS course that you look forward to? Any professors in particular that you hope to learn from or work with? What can you offer Syracuse as a future graduate? Why will you wear your school colors proudly? You need to let the reader know just how impressed you are by Syracuse and how badly you want to attend the university because of these reasons, without going overboard. That's were the revision and editing of the content of your paper comes in.

Scholarship / "Introspection"; in that one day I learned a lot about myself - National Merit Scholarship Essay [2]

River, while you present a good story about self discovery, there are certain elements lacking that, if present, could have helped better solidify the basis of your paper. Right now, this feels like a generic paper that does not really say much about the event or person that you are telling us helped changed your life. So you need to work on those points.

First of all, you talk about this person, and the pivotal, life changing question that he asked. However, you never truly built up the situation leading to this question. Who is this person? Why was he at your school? Why was he giving this talk? The reason you need to let the reader know this is because this speaker influenced you to think about something you had not considered important before. So he must be an important person for your school to have scheduled assembly time just to hear what he had to say. So let us know all about him. Just so we can get an idea as to why he was able to influence you that way.

The way your essay is currently set up, you are trying to talk about an influential person and an experience that you have had. Finding out that you were shutting people out was probably something that affected you greatly. I am sure you made the effort to find out why you do that. Let us know what that process was like. Did you ever find the answer of perhaps a reason behind this trait of yours? How did the man's talk help you achieve that status of enlightenment and reason?

Finally, we need to know, how did that realization and your efforts to overcome that obstacle (yes, you can cover all 3 points in one essay thanks to your very interesting topic) help you become a better person? Who are you now because of the talk that you heard? How have you changed? How do you think it will continue to change you in the future? Where does the scholarship fit into these changes you hope to achieve on a personal level?

Writing Feedback / IELTS: fathers and mothers are used to set role models to their children [3]


- Abdurasul, you have written a very short introductory sentence. In fact, it lacks content. There is no restatement of the thesis, neither is there an overview of the discussion you will be making in the paper. Instead, we have your complete agreement with the point of view. Without any idea how or where this discussion emerged from. You need to develop this paragraph further in order to make it an acceptable introduction.


- While you present a good discussion, I believe that you can still develop this paragraph. If you won't mind my making a few suggestions, don't zero in specifically on the Uzbek mentality because this is a discussion that should be relevant on an international scale. Explain the power of observation as it develops in children and how they are influenced into their first speech patterns, walking, or physical movement based upon an infantile understanding of their parents actions. This would be one of the best ways to discuss the mirror example that you mentioned.


- Perhaps this is not the best example of parents as the best teachers. I am thinking that you can present the folk songs that we learn as children from our parents that helped us find our voices for the first time. Or the baby games that we played with them that taught us hand and eye coordination. Lengthen your discussion about the parents being our first educational motivators as well. That is a very important aspect that can help prove your point.

I have another suggestion to make. Perhaps you can also present a professional point of view on this topic? Information coming from child experts or pediatric doctors would definitely help to add academic credibility to your discussion and present a more professional looking paper :-)