Scholarship / Scholarship Appeal Letter for droping below credit limit [3]

Neveritt, I noticed that you mentioned that you dropped below the 15 unit credit limit and not the 12 limit. I suggest that you mention what your current college year level is in order to give the committee an idea of where the confusion might have happened. You mention an oversight and that you failed to double check the requirements. The committee does not have the time to ask or find out what your year level is so you should mention it for clarification purposes.

Also, you mentioned being overwhelmed at the start of the semester. You took an orientation for the scholarship grantees where you were told about the credit requirement, you should mention something about having been so excited about college that you forgot all about the credit limit that was mentioned at the orientation because of it.

Don't forget to mention the specific reasons you were overwhelmed by your class load. Explain in vivid detail the reasons you chose to drop the class in Humanities. That is after all, the reason you lost the scholarship.

Next, do not assume that the additional class you enrolled for which ends in December will be automatically accepted for credit by the scholarship committee. Instead, beg for their indulgence and request that they accept the late enrollment as a part of your current load credit, thus restoring your scholarship. It may also help to mention your current grades in other classes. A stellar academic performance on your part might help get the scholarship reinstated more than the late enrollment.

Finally, close the statement with a hopeful outlook towards their decision. Remind them of the good effects the scholarship has had on you and that you plan to help the scholarship in the future. You just want them to give you a chance to prove that you are worth reconsidering for the scholarship.

Just another thought, ask if you can attach a supporting letter from a professor to your appeals letter. The supporting letter should support the stand that you are an academically excellent student who should be given a chance to get the scholarship back so that you can become a future asset to society in your field of expertise.

Writing Feedback / "A little love, a little pain, a little work then it's all over" - DEATH [4]

ylarial, it would be easier to help you if we knew what the prompt for this essay is. At this point, only an over view can be given for your weak points. Nothing about the topic or prompt itself. I will try to give the best input I can provide :-)

- This sounds more like an effective part of a closing statement than an introduction. I suggest you try to use this as a part of your concluding statement instead.

- This is a very touching sentiment to present to the reader. However, without the prompt, I am unable to understand your mindset and the need for this discussion. Also, the paragraph is a bit too long and should therefore be cut into two. That is because you present two different topics within it. The thought of when you will die and what will happen after your death. So separate the two paragraphs for a clearer flow of thought and proper paragraph development.

- Thinking about everything I will miss when I die makes me often think about death. Contemplating my demise has made me realize that I have the greatest gift the universe can give me, life, and yet I tend to squander it on needless worry and doubts. So I have decided to not let life slip by me. I will take more chances, I will live my life and enjoy it to the fullest. I will appreciate that my life has offered and will continue to offer to me. I will treasure my precious moments with family, friends, and acquaintances. Those shall the true treasures of my life. Memories that will tell me on the day of my death that I truly lived and did not just exist in life.

- I made a suggestion about how to better construct your paragraph. I hope you like it :-)

- If you combine the statement at the start with this concluding statement, your essay closes with a very strong statement about death, acceptance, and life :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Writing Task 2- Crime in The World [3]

- Mann, problems are different from crimes. So you should not say " Many kinds of problems appear everyday". The keyword here is crime and that is the word that should almost constantly be appearing in this essay. How do you plan to prove that crime is rising every year? Crime does not almost occur everywhere in the globe, it does happen. There are no suppositions in introductory statements. Only facts. In order to portray yourself as someone who is familiar with the topic, you need to use words that make you sure about your statements. You have a very good point of view on the matter. The method you used for restating the prompt was also creative.

-The essay asks you to discuss crime from a global perspective. While it is nice to know that Indonesia has set up systems to help combat graft and corruption, that is not the kind of example that this essay needs. It needs something heavier such as the UN Commission on Human Rights, Interpol (for international crimes and wanted people), and the International Court of Justice, for trying certain types of crimes on an international level. Remember, the question is that with crime happening all over the world, nothing can be done to prevent it. The correct answer is, something can be done to prevent it and the aforementioned international organizations are proof of that.

Based on the suggestions that I made which will further align your thesis with the prompt, I suggest that you revise the paper and use those organizations as the factual samples for international crime prevention. Don't forget to discuss inter law enforcement agency between countries cooperation when it comes to solving and arresting crimes as well. The FBI works with the international communities to prevent certain types of international crimes as well.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The reasons of keeping our old friends [3]


- Here lies the first problem of your essay with regards to content. You never state an assumption or supposition in your introductory statement. You always state a fact as a thesis. You first present the restated prompt and then your point of view (agree or disagree), and then explain a little about how you plan to prove that in the essay.


- This is an irrelevant sentence that does not prove your supposition about old friends being able to help you in crisis conditions. Your second paragraph looks like it promises to do that though.


- I was mistaken. This paragraph does not answer the prompt provided either. You said you can rely on old friends support during times of crisis. But you never actually speak of any concrete examples to that effect.


- This is the paragraph that should become your first body paragraph. This is the point that relates to the whole prompt. I would suggest you make this stronger by comparing the difference between opening up to new and old friends about your problem. Compare the advice you are given and then talk about how these people know you differently so the advice they give is different. Thus proving that the old friends can be expected to help you more in times of crisis.


- This is a very weak conclusion that does not offer any substance towards restating the prompt as you proved within your essay. That is because the overall essay deviated from the prompt and made no effort to provide clear examples and facts to base the truth of your statement that old friends can help more in a time of crisis.

I must suggest that revise this essay in order to align it more with the requirements of the prompt. Right now, you have an interesting comparison of two friendship types but no emotional or psychological connection that proves old friends are more reliable than new ones in times of crisis. That is the theme of the essay and that is what should be discussed. As for the grammar problems, we can correct those later. The content is more important at this point.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Without communication technology and transport, the foundation of modern life will crumple [2]


- Solid introduction with a good thesis statement. This essay is off to a very good start. However, I seem to be missing the rephrased essay prompt in the paragraph?


- You could actually combine these two paragraphs into one in order to create a well discussed and connected pro and con discussion on the issue. I suggest a little more reasoning development along those lines.


- If you could just add a statement or two in support of the prompt before this discussion it would become better balanced content and information-wise :-)


- Your statement about the crumpling of modern life is a new idea that should be discussed separately. Develop a separate and new conclusion. . Surely you can lengthen your summary of facts to create a more solid conclusion.

Excellent effort. This is a paper that shows the development of your analytical skills, speed comprehension, and thought coherence. Overall, I would give this a grade of 7 based upon the reasons I stated above :-)

Writing Feedback / It is vital for arts to have prolific conditions to thrive and be accessible for people [7]

I can understand your nervousness. I would be nervous too if I were in your position again. The only advice I can think of giving you at this point is, don't pay attention to the clock. You are paying so much attention to not going overtime and therefore not finishing the paper that you cannot concentrate on anything else. That is why you are finding it difficult to concentrate on what you want to say in the paper. It is one of the reasons that your discussions are under developed as well. You need to relax and just let your thoughts flow. Regardless of how the grammar turns out.

Remember, the test you are about to take is first and foremost, a test of English comprehension skills. That means they are trying to gauge how well you understand the English language. It is important that you can understand the language in order to enter American colleges and universities or British, Canadian, and Australian universities in the case of IELTS. If you cannot prove you understand the prompt, then it can be assumed that you will not understand the English mode of instruction.

So you need to practice your comprehension and analytical skills. The language and grammar skills can be built over time. Just make sure that you can present all of your ideas in your essay in as clear a manner as you can for the exam reviewer to understand. Write from the heart every time and the content may just turn out the way you hope it will in the end :-)

Graduate / Poured my heart and mind in writing SOP for Mechanical Engg at Purdue. Expecting valuable comments. [5]

- I suggest that you do not give any information that they are not asking for. At this point in your career, you are expected to have already done notable things in your field of expertise. Which is why you feel that you need to pursue higher learning. It is the reason behind the higher learning that the admission officer is interested in learning about. The SOP is a preliminary interview. If the admissions officer decides to look further into your application, he may decide to ask for additional information later on. Do not be presumptuous and provide information that is not required nor expected.


- Your statement of purpose should not be longer than 2 pages, double spaced maximum unless otherwise specified by the application. Therefore, you need to pick out only the most important information relating directly to your application for graduate school. The motivation behind your application is the most important. That will include a portion of your personal and academic background along with your relevant work experience. These parts, when combined, creates the reason behind your SOP.


- While you may consider all of your work experience important to your application, they may not be relevant to your purpose for applying to graduate school. There is a difference between the two. So choose your professional experience that you feel was directly involved in your desire to pursue higher studies. You need to keep the paper short but interesting and informative. Otherwise you will lose the interest of the admission officer during the preliminary round.

Of course I can only make suggestions that I feel will improve your paper. The final decision regarding the content and its presentation are all up to you :-)

Scholarship / "From Gujarat to Georgia" - Biographical Essay for Questbridge [9]

Paku, this is an excellent version that provides a fantastic look at how you became the person you are today. Your ideas are now well developed and enhanced to highlight your accomplishments and skills as student and person. However, I have a few notes on revisions:


- ... did have a positive effect ... used to constant changes and challenges .


- ... technical college that allowed high school students to enroll in college...

As for the conclusion, it is actually a very solid statement on your behalf. However, it lacks a certain message. That is the message of how the scholarship will be able to help you achieve your ambition of attending college. Do you have any notable traits or accomplishments that fall in line with the mission, objective, and criteria of the scholarship program? You should mention those points because scholarships tend to favor students to can prove that they embody the scholarship requirements. Most specially, you need to to talk about how you plan to give back to the scholarship as a student and any plans you have for showing your gratitude to them in the future ( after graduation). If you can add a portion about that, we can finally polish the content of the essay for submission :-)

Writing Feedback / 'The argument draws conclusion based on poor and insufficient information'; "Woven baskets" [5]

xatutik, you are getting better with every essay that you write :-) Your thought process is becoming more coherent and you are learning how to outline your supporting evidence very well. I can see all of that through the grammatical errors that are still present in the paper. That is the main reason that I am commending your work on this topic. That said, we now need to clean up the grammar problems so that the paper can develop a more polished look.

- ...However, archeologistsrecently discovered... from Paleaby the Brim... boats .However.. ... the absence of which ...

- ...inthe Lithos area. Therefore, we need evidence to prove whether Lithos boats were found in Palea instead. If Lithos boats were found in Palea, then maybe the traders of Lithos were the ones who came to Palea and thus secured a basket for themselves.Or perhaps there was another route to Lithos that did not require a boat from Palea. In order for the author's claim to become valid, no future evidence of Palean boats should be found either in Palea or Lithos.

- The latter is just an idea that I thought would help this sentence develop further strength.

- The author's argument based solely on boats crossing the river is weak because he has not presented any evidence to prove that there is no other way to reach Palea except by river. If an alternate route to Lithos exists by land, than the Paleans did not need to cross the river.

- This where your own argument becomes weak. You are not familiar with the work of archeologists. Their job is to time stamp the existence of everything from the dust on the road the to sand beds of the sea. If the Brim River existed in a different shape in the past centuries, they would have found that out using various methods of ancient area mapping and soil dating. Therefore, your argument about the river changing due to climate change becomes weak and shows a lack of knowledge about archeology on your part. Find a different supporting reason for yourself.

Overall, this is an excellent effort xatutik :-) You should be proud of yourself.

Writing Feedback / 'Modern time makes all people busy with their job' - how to solve traffic problem? [2]

Yulis, can you clarify the prompt for me? I just need to get an idea of what the prompt requires you to answer. Right now, your essay is quite confusing to read because you have your paragraphs all mixed up and your thoughts are scattered at the moment. Let me see if I can direct you towards a better way of discussing this :-)


- Where is the restated prompt? How does the busy lifestyle/job connect to the traffic problem and why are you being asked for a solution to it? We really need to read the prompt here.


- I don't see you actually discussing any of these things in the essay that you wrote. You know very well that you have to discuss each reason you give in detail right? So you have to do that with at least 2 reasons.


- It really sounds like you did not take this essay seriously Yulis. There is a lack of understanding of the prompt requirements and you failed to present any valid solutions to the traffic problem nor relate it in a clear manner to the work or lifestyle of the people. You need to revise this essay overall. At this moment, the essay does not make sense and is not worth the time that you took to write it. I know you can do better than that :-(

Writing Feedback / What life would be like without the internet? [4]

Truc, while you presented a good discussion. I believe that in order to answer this essay, you should merely look to the past. To the lives that our parents and grandparents lived before the internet was invented and became a part of our daily lives. That means that we would still continue to live life manually with communications still being done through simple contact methods like fax machined and analog mobile phones.

I believe it was wrong of you to say that we would not be able to listen to music or watch movies to relax. My reason is that our parents and grandparents were doing those things through video rentals and listening to the radio. So you are making a wrong assumption when it comes to that. Social media was also limited to real physical parties or fact to face interactions. Basically, life would have continued the way that our parents lived it. Technology would also have developed as a glacial pace and globalization would not have been possible.

Perhaps there are other samples of what life would be like if the internet were not invented. All we have to do is do a blast from the past :-)

Scholarship / The pain and struggles in life is what develops a true experienced successful person!- Questbridge [5]

I cannot overlook the large amount of grammatical and sentence structure errors in your essay. However, that is not the biggest problem of your paper. The biggest problem has to do with the confusing content and themes you discuss within it. I have listed it down below and given suggestions regarding why it has to be fixed and how you can fix it. We can deal with the grammar and sentence problems after fixing the content of the paper.


- I have a problem with your first statement. First you say that you are more comfortable with English but you mention "Dora the Explorer" who is a cartoon character who teaches kids how to speak in English and Spanish. Then you mentioned that you enrolled in bilingual classes but your teachers had you transfer to English classes because you did not understand the bilingual classes. Then you say that you came into the 2nd grade and struggled because you had a problem with English. Do you see the problem I am pointing out? You cannot say you are comfortable in English and yet have all of these previous problems with the language. I think you should revise this paragraph. Your thought process, what you want to actually say is not clear here.

but my mother always at the end gave me a reason to pursue education. Having a chance to accomplish what many refer to as the American Dream, my mother stayed within the United States holding off seeing my potential.

- Again, a problem with your thought transference to paper. When you say your mother stayed in the United States "holding off seeing my potential", this means that your mother refused to acknowledge that you had the ability to achieve the American Dream. I am sure this is not what you mean so I am pointing it out to you so that you can fix that very important part of this paragraph. I think you want to say "hoping to see me reach my full potential instead.

When I returned, it was summer. I did not get to finish eighth grade as I failed every class due to my conditions. The middle school principal decided to let me pass anyways since she knew my conditions from the start but felt I have potential. I took the summer to return back to New York bettering my health before high school started and promised myself that I would try my best to showboat my potential and never let anybody put me back down.

- What was wrong with your health? You should describe it and explain how it affected your grades. That is a requirement of this essay.

Throughout junior year, I faced tons of struggles mainly low income and still having a responsibility to provide for my grandparents who are very ill. At the end, all of these struggles is that have made me obtain experience along with motivating me to do way better. My decision of career has derived from when I used to get bullied about my weight. I later found a fascination with the human body mechanism, physiology, and interest in biology. My career choice of becoming a physical therapist formulated through these interest and fascination with helping people so they can finally fix a smile on their face after struggling not being able to do physical activities. Along with physical therapy, I developed an interest in bio-medical engineer due to wanting to go down the research path and contributing to the world happiness.

-You have too many topics going on all at once in this paragraph. Since each topic is important, you should separate the discussion into paragraphs. Develop the part about your choice of career the most because that is relevant to the scholarship application.

I hope I was able to help :-)

Undergraduate / "Reflection in the Darkness": Common App Essay [4]

While you tell a very nice story about finding comfort and learning in the dark, you did not really set up the story properly in my opinion. Darkness is a state of the absence of light. That is true. But where exactly do you find this state of learning in the darkness? The darkness of your bedroom? The park at night? Perhaps sitting in your car or in a darkened cinema before the movie comes on? You see, the prompt is not asking you for a state of mind or well being, it is asking for the specific place. Darkness is good, but you need to anchor it to a physical place such as your bedroom as you doze off to sleep in order to make the rest of your essay sound connected to your introduction. I would probably go with "The darkness of falling into sleep on my comfortable bed brings me to a higher place of learning and imagination in my dream state..." then continue with the rest of your narration. You can end it with the sensation that you begin to feel as you start to wake up and how content and comfortable you feel after a good nights rest. The meaningfulness comes from the fact that you are able to sort out your thoughts while you dream.

If you would be willing to revise your essay, I'd be more than happy to help you develop its content :-) You can actually mix my ideas with yours and come up with a pretty solid answer to the prompt.

Graduate / TOEFL: 'anticipation of more intelligent class discussions'; teaching is harder than it once was [3]

While you do present some interesting topics in defense of your thesis, I believe that the prompt is asking for something deeper than a comment about the technical aspect of teaching such as methodologies or spoiled kids and demanding parents. I would suggest that you try discussing this essay from another point of view, the view that because of technology and the advent of the internet, teachers need to stay one step ahead of their students. So they need to be able to anticipate more complex and confusing questions from students.

You can argue that teaching now harder that in the past because there was no internet before that allows the students to access information about their lessons far more thoroughly that they could in the past. The internet is the endless encyclopedia of knowledge that has required the teachers to up their teaching game so teaching is now harder for them than before.

Remind them that before, teachers were considered to be the most learned person a student would ever meet. They were expected to know everything and have all the answers. Since students just need to do a quick search on the internet these days, the access to information has been leveled for everyone. So the students might already know or already know more than what the teacher is prepared to teach in class. So this anticipation of more intelligent class discussions has also made it harder to teach class.

I am sure you have some experience in this area. Where the students ask some questions that threaten to unveil the teacher as not really knowing everything about something they are teaching. You could use that as a sample of how it is harder to teach not than in the past.

Of course this is just my understanding of the prompt and my suggestion as to how I would answer it. Feel free to use my idea if you want to try another way of answering your essay :-)

Scholarship / Library in Bronx - "A Change To The Intellectual Community" - Essay for Questbridge [7]

That does not sound like a conclusion to me.However, I think you can add it to the ideas that you have about helping to educate the elderly about computers and stuff. That way, you can show that you have a separate idea of how to better the library based upon the needs of the users. Your concluding statement should be just that, a statement to close the essay. That is normally done by paraphrasing the statement to sound like a sentence instead of a question and then summarizing the content and important facts you mentioned in your paper, then finally, reiterating your stand about the importance of rehabilitating the library for the benefit of the community.

Don't try to insert too many new ideas in the essay. Once you clutter the essay with extra information, you could end up back where you started, needing to edit and revise your paper all over again just to make all the paragraphs connect again :-)

Writing Feedback / Working for the same or different company for all life. Discuss both view and give opinion (IELTS) [3]

kttrung, the essay is asking you compare the advantages and disadvantages of working with the same company for life, or constantly changing companies throughout your life. I read your complete essay and I feel that you have left the essay under developed and lacking in discussion points. You could have discussed better reasons for staying with the same company for life such as possible retirement plans, loyalty incentives, and bonuses for loyal employees.

For the changing companies point of view, your reason pertaining to a person gaining knowledge and skill is valid and should be further developed. Explain that changing companies allows a person to not only gain experience, but also offers him a better chance of finding his occupational niche in the job market. Working for others in various capacities is also a way people eventually come to work for themselves, without being connected to a single company, later on in their lives. You could develop that suggestion of mine if you wish.

Then, there is the problem of the new idea that you introduced in your conclusion. You know very well that new ideas cannot be presented at the end of an essay. So you will need to develop the globalization idea in relation to the two choices and then come up with a new conclusion that summarizes the content of your essay.

Writing Feedback / I went to Thailand this summer for a school service trip - Narrative Essay [6]

Gilchrist, I marked the suggestions in blue. Comments are in green. This is a highly improved paper with only minor corrections and editing needed :-)


- I was feeling adventurous when I joined our school service trip to Thailand.
- There are times when you can combine 2 themes in your introduction. This is an example of that.


- ... I've learned to value all opportunities and material things that I have. I also learned to make the best out of what I have in life.


- I ate my food in a flash and threw up just as fast.


- ... contained all the food groups...


- it was then...


- Regardless of the culture clashes...



- build a house for anyone...


- The statement about your sister not having to build houses for anyone is more relevant.


- ... better place if the citizens could do that.


- ... and helped me grow as a person.


- It was the best week of my life.

Scholarship / "From Gujarat to Georgia" - Biographical Essay for Questbridge [9]

Don't fret Paku. Let me try to help you out here. The problem with the essay is that there are more words and facts than are actually necessary to tell your story. So we need to edit it for content. We will keep the essence of your essay using less words. I'll show you how to do it.

- When I was born in India on Aoril 11, 1998 during the feast day of Hanuman, who symbolizes strength, intelligence, and education. Needless to say, high expectation were set upon my academic accomplishments by people because of my birth date. It was a challenge that I accepted with open arms as I was enrolled in kindergarten at the age of 3.

- This whole paragraph is not really relevant to your quest for education and development as a person so you can skip directly to your parents migrating to America.

- Around this time, my father immigrated to America for job purposes, my mother followed soon after. My sister and I joined the after 3 years. Touching down at the Atlanta, Georgia airport in 2005 and immediately got overcome by culture shock. I went from a small town in India to a large imposing city in Georgia. From a country of people who looked alike, to a country of varying races and skin colors. I knew I was in over my head when I could not express myself in English because, even though I could read and write in the language, I was never taught how to speak it.

- My biggest challenge was overcoming the language barrier. So for the next two years, I concentrated on only that. Doing well enough in school to pass to the next level only because I had already mastered the material in India. It was a struggle that I had to work to overcome because having a language barrier was preventing me from making friends and performing academically. Over time, I began to master the English language and eventually, began to blend in with society. I also began to adjust academically and started progressing well enough for me to gain confidence in my newly developed language skills.

- You don't really need to say so much about this time. You could compress it and deliver the same message.

- Eventually, high school rolled around for me. Enrolled in multiple AP classes and having great teachers helped me develop more confidence in myself because of the school's partnership with a local technical college that allowed me to take classes tailored to my interests. Being a non- American citizen, I was forced to pay full rates at the college but the extra expense was worth it because I was able to enroll in 2 out of the 5 college level classes that I wanted to. With my sister attending college at the same time, my parents were financially spread thin so I was very grateful that they helped me take advantage of the opportunity.

- I had to struggle to reach the academic position that I am in at present. From being a C student who could not speak English, I am now a thirty three ACT scoring student. I am at the top of my class thanks to my hard earned fluency in English .

Paku, look over my suggested changes to your paragraphs. I think the essence of your statement is intact but with lesser words. If you decide to revise the essay, I'll be here to help you refine it :-)

Scholarship / Library in Bronx - "A Change To The Intellectual Community" - Essay for Questbridge [7]

Andy, this is a much improved version of your essay. But I still caught a few portions that we can correct or improve upon. Let me point it out for you.


- Libraries have historically been the place where people go to acquire more knowledge because it is like a school, a place of learning, but without teachers.


- activities, materials, and equipment ...


- ... they are still part...


-smartphone.
- Watch out for the capitalization rule . You only use capital letters at the beginning of a sentence or with names, titles of books and organizations.


Now, all you need is a strong and solid concluding statement :-) Excellent work! Keep it up.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: government should focus on investment both of arts and public service; equally important [3]

This is an interesting topic and I can tell that you feel strongly about the issue by the way you wrote this paper. I have some suggestions regarding how to further improve it below. I hope my suggestions are acceptable to you :-)

- The government plays an important role in developing a country. That is why there is an argument as to how the government should invest more in either arts or public service. Each side believes their cause to be more important than the other. Which is why the claims as to which is more important between the two has escalated into a hot debate. Personally, I believe the government should invest equally in both because of specific reasons.

- It is important for the government to invest in the arts such as music and theater. Without performance venues, music and other public arts would become a dying art. Right now, tickets to professional performances cost too much. So much that ordinary folk cannot afford it. With a government subsidy, people from all walks of life will be able to enjoy the best shows the arts have to offer. Arts is also an investment that gives back in reference to the interest the government can make on the price of the tickets. With arts being a strong magnet for tourists, it can definitely help increase a country's earnings in a year.

- Public service on the other hand, is something that the government is expected to support using publicly collected taxes. the development of a country is measured by the amount of public service that is offered to its people. From transportation to government hospitals, the government always has a budget allocated for those needs every year. It is the arts that does not have assured funding on a yearly basis.Let's face it, both the arts and public service are important to the growth of the nation and the ability of the people to evolve socially. Therefore, both sides are equally important and should be equally funded.


- For the conclusion, you need to create a better conclusion that summarizes your prompt, thesis, and facts. I suggest you revise this part.

Writing Feedback / It is vital for arts to have prolific conditions to thrive and be accessible for people [7]


- What happened to restating the prompt at the start of the introduction?


- Don't use fictitious situations. The thesis statement should be about government funding for the arts. That can't start in the 2nd paragraph.


- This is a weak argument in support of government funding for the arts. You should speak of the fact that arts would not exist without the government that builds museums and funds the development of the arts at the grass roots level.


- You need to strengthen this discussion by researching reasons that people would rather the government stay out of the arts. There are better reasons available than the one you presented.

You may want to rethink your conclusion after you do additional research to improve the content of your paper :-) This is a good effort, but it can be better.

Writing Feedback / Once I was; now I am [4]

I am not entirely sure what the prompt is for this paper and if it is supposed to be poetical in style or essay type. I wish you had informed us about those things along with the post of the essay you wrote. It would have helped a lot in reviewing this paper. That said, I will do my best to make comments and offer suggestions for revisions based on what I can see of the paper.

Let me start with the grammatical errors:


- It was the day of the Math exam. The test was to start at 9 a.m. I thought I could wake up at 8:15 and reach the exam center by 8:50. I did not know that there was a political demonstration that day near my exam center. I was stuck in a traffic jam for almost an hour and reached the center half an hour late.

- What were the consequences of arriving an hour late? Was that what influenced you to become a changed person?

Those are my comments and suggestions for now. If you can provide additional information about the requirements of your statement, I might be able to make further suggestions :-)

Graduate / Poured my heart and mind in writing SOP for Mechanical Engg at Purdue. Expecting valuable comments. [5]

You are writing a statement of purpose, not an academic and professional biography. I suggest that you stick to the statement of purpose by presenting your dreams and aspirations for the future. Limiting your work and academic experiences to only the most influential events that further gave you reason and direction for your desire to enroll in this course. Remember, you need to keep your statement of purpose concise and not overwhelmed with information about work and academic related experiences. That is not the purpose of an SOP. At this point, the essay makes for cluttered and confusing reading because you are cramming too much unnecessary information into it.

- You can remove this whole portion because your statement of purpose only comes in after all of this. This is information that I am sure will be discussed in a separate essay application.Deleting this will make your essay easier to read and bring your SOP closer to its requirements.

- This deviates from your SOP. This is part of a personal statement and this thus, unnecessary in this essay.

Your SOP could actually be quite short and direct to the point if you delete the unnecessary paragraphs. I suggest you try to delete these paragraphs and then read the new version. Compare the two. I am sure you will see what I saw :-)

Writing Feedback / I helped Tony - this event marked my transition to the adulthood [2]

Mantoes, you must be commended on the way that you developed your story. From the first paragraph onwards, I felt totally engaged and involved in the story. You told it really well even with the grammatical errors that were minor and almost ignorable. I will offer some grammar corrections and suggestions if I see any portions where further improvement can be made :-)


- I was just wondering if we could learn more about this strange habit of yours that they all hold. It seems to be an interesting trait of yours that could very well be introduced in the first paragraph so that when Tony comes along, we already have an idea of what must have been going through your mind at the time :-)


- A little more information about TaiDong is in order. Could you describe the ind of children there? How they normally act among friends and enemies? I feel that it is important for you to establish that character of the children to give credence to the advice that you gave later on.


- things . At that moment... because the kids looked up to me for direction in their young lives.Yet, there was ... Little did I know that the void was about to be filled by one of the children in my care.

- We just needed a transition sentence at the end to introduce the new event.


- Tony is the kid who will forever be etched in my mind. He was a dyslexic, cleft lip kid who came from a financially strapped family with a single mother as his only parent. Regardless of his physical, financial, and social drawbacks, Tony always came to class with a smile on his face. Sometimes overeager to participate.

- The sentence felt too cluttered so I tried to clean it up for you.


- ... In the middle of one class, he burst into tears... the rest of the day consoling him.
- The word bully is already descriptive of the action and does not need additional descriptions.


- pain that both he and I knew he did not deserve.
- Don't use shortcuts in a formal essay. Specially in school application essays. Be formal at all times because this is a written interview.


- Again, you need to properly describe the habit and then explain what advice you gave the boy that was very adult like in manner.


- frown flipping back to a smile, and a hug that I ... Suddenly, I felt that the void I could not fill was finally filled,with love and a desire to help children like Tony.

- The sentence was incomplete because you needed to describe how the empty void now felt for you.

Writing Feedback / Theme : about alternative medicine treatment and dangerous risk from it [9]

In my opinion, your essay makes some sense in relation to the theme, but your concentrated on the wrong part. You see, most of the discussion about alternative medicine, the controversy around it, is related to the medicines being taken instead of the treatment applied by alternative medicine healers. You see, alternative medicine healing is now part of what is known as "holistic medicine". Some forms of holistic medicine is already being accepted into the medical mainstream treatment. Examples of these would include chiropractic and massages. But once those practitioners begin to prescribe drugs, drugs that have not been government approved and tested in the form of "herbal medicine with no approved therapeutic claim", the dangers and risks of alternative medicine become a reality. That is why I was telling you to concentrate on the alternative forms of medicine instead of the treatments.

You can discuss the alternative treatments if you wish, but you still need to mention the drugs that they prescribe for treatment as well. The drugs are not government approved nor have they been tested by government drug regulation boards. So the effects of the medicine as far as positive and negatives are concerned, are unknown. If someone dies, it is not the alternative treatment that is usually blamed but the drugs that were prescribed with so many unknown factors existing.

Tell you what, try to balance out the essay by discussing both the holistic treatments and the drugs they often prescribe with their treatments in relation to the debate. Don't forget to make your stand on the issue very clear to the reader :-) I look forward to reading your new version , if you decide to write one ;-)

Graduate / 'I have been fortunate enough to have my grandmother be a part of my life' - PA school motivation [5]

Definitely a huge improvement content-wise. I have some additional suggestions and revisions for you to consider though :-)


- Mary, the admission officer may want to verify your information so you need to give the name of the hospital.


- Where and when did you graduate?



- This is a separate paragraph.Discuss how you gained a deeper understanding of the topics you mentioned. What hands on participation did you have?


-Develop this further as a new paragraph.


- I called ( you indicated that you did this in the past by saying you volunteered)


- plan of action(The Red Cross works right after a disaster strikes. They act on helping people, not improving them.)


- Your essay is starting to suffer from too much information. Pick only the most relevant experiences that answer the prompt. In this paragraph alone, you mention one to many activities that are not fully explained so it does nothing for your essay.



- ... grandmother slowly recovered


.cares for the ...


-help people recover from their illnesses.

I hope these ideas and suggestions continue to help you :-)

Scholarship / Library in Bronx - "A Change To The Intellectual Community" - Essay for Questbridge [7]

Andy, you have really put some great thought into this essay and you make pretty good suggestions. That said, I would like to let you know that we can actually improve this essay in such a way that you can use the extra available words to further develop the ideas you have for helping the local library. Let me show you what I mean :-)

- I come from the Bronx, New York which, as everyone knows, is a poor community where families barely have enough income to help support the students in their family. That means the kids do not have access to the internet, personal computers, or books. We have to go to the library for those. There lies the problem for my intellectual community. Our local library has vandalized books that lack pages and the computers meant for homework are taken over by gamers who take hours playing games when it could have been used by students to complete their homework. That is why if I were given a chance, I would work on improving our library system for the benefit of the indigents in the Bronx.

- You can actually skip this whole part because it got incorporated into your introductory and thesis statement already. Thus cutting down your word count and giving you more room to develop your plans to help the library.

- Cut down, these two paragraph simply state: "If given the chance to help my intellectual community, I would start by rehabilitating the local library through the help of fundraising and charitable donations. This means finally getting a chance to replace the worn out books with new editions and adding more computers and printers so that the students and gamers will have equal chances at using the units. Only a few sets will be allowed for gaming. All the rest, will be for serious study time. I would renovate the library by making it look more a Starbucks outlet. Hopefully, the more relaxing and calming atmosphere of the new library will entice my fellow students to spend more time studying in the library. Come SAT season, I will make sure that the local library, in its new image, will be ready to help the students review through tutorial and review classes. By showing how successful the new image of our library is, I will then be able to lobby for more funding for its continued improvement ."

I just brought your word count down to 292. Now you have an additional 208 or something words to help you further develop your ideas for improving the library. Just stick to the important details which you can develop into great ideas :-) I hope my suggestions work for you :-)

Writing Feedback / Theme : about alternative medicine treatment and dangerous risk from it [9]

Hi Yulis, I read your essay and went back to read the prompt because I felt like there was something wrong with your response to the essay question. It turns out, my suspicions were correct. Although you gave a very good answer in your essay, your response was nowhere near the expected response for this prompt. The prompt was asking you if you agree or disagree with the belief that alternative medicines are ineffective and dangerous.

Rather than saying "I agree that alternative medicines are dangerous" and then explaining why, you instead discussed why people would opt to use alternative medicine instead. This is is not about the right or wrong way to treat an illness. The question was asking you if you believed that alternative medicines could do more harm than good to a patient. So you needed to make an educated statement about why these drugs are dangerous. You could have discussed how these medicines do not pass through government drug testing and approval, so the people taking the medicine do not really know if the medicine is safe to drink or if it will work.You need to talk about the medicines itself, not its practitioners. Talk about the way the drugs are created, the lack of product testing and experimentation, the blind faith that people put into these drugs because it is all they can afford. Those are just some suggestions regarding what topics you could have used to answer the question posed.

I hate to say this but you need to go back and revise the whole essay. Your answer does not discuss the prompt at all. Instead, it discusses the choice between a herbal doctor and a professional doctor and the reasons people choose one over the other. This is not about the health treatment options available to people. That is not the answer that the prompt requires. You failed to answer the prompt because you either did not understand or failed to take the time to truly understand what the prompt was asking you to answer.

You need to be careful when answering prompts. Take the time to read the question over and over again if you have to. Ask questions if you must in order to truly understand what the essay wants you to discuss. Take the time to understand the question so that you can answer it correctly. Otherwise, even if you write an excellent essay, if it does not respond to the prompt, you end up with a failed essay such as this one.

I hope you revise the essay. I am looking forward to reading it :-)

Graduate / "What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others remains and is immortal" SOP Speech P. [5]

kk, I have a few inquiries listed that , when answered, will help you to further strengthen your statement of purpose. There were some loopholes that an admission officer would find in the essay so I thought it would be best to plug those holes in your statement before we center upon correcting the grammar errors or reinforcing the message of your statement.


- Could you possibly explain more about how you came to this realization through your classes and the shadowing that you did? The reason you should do this is because you have to show or explain how your purpose came to develop into a passion for you :-)


- Exactly how did an investment school inspire your calling for speech therapy? There does not seem to be a connection between finance and speech pathology. You have to expand upon this statement. It will further strengthen your purpose statement when you constantly show or explain how the passion built up over time within you.


- Where did this happen? Talk a little about what kind of feelings you had on that first day and how you felt by the end of the day with Christopher.


- From where? What course? When did you graduate? Why did you feel a need for more studies? These are all part of your purpose.


- Where in Cleveland? Why did you choose to work there? How is it relevant to your purpose for enrolling in graduate school?

I hope I was able to help. I am looking forward to reading your revised statement of purpose, if you choose to do so :-)

Undergraduate / "You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have" CommonApp Essay [7]


- Erin, when you quote a passage or something that someone said, you need to cite the source or tell us where you heard it. Quotes can usually be used to open an essay but not in the format that you have it now. You need to tell us to said it and use italics for the characters so that we know it is a separate part of the essayOverall though, this is a very unique choice for a quote. I am glad you used it :-).


-... this feeling totally consumed me... I constantly vomited due to the painful sensations my body felt. My parents and I started to realize something was wrong as I became a shell of my former self. The spirited and hardworking student was now just a confused and helpless victim. The test results were definite, I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder...

- You need to explain what GAD is for the sake of the readers who are not familiar with your illness.


- serious anxiety problems ...


- I am glad your story helped her but it would also be nice if we knew the story behind your recovery :-) Please talk about your own recovery before you talk about how you were able to help the kids at the camp :-)


- ... struggle to overcome it .



- This is a redundancy. You already mentioned this earlier. Try to say something else in its place to make your closing statement stronger. Try to end with a stronger message of hope and strength if possible.

Graduate / 'I have been fortunate enough to have my grandmother be a part of my life' - PA school motivation [5]

-Mary, I would suggest that you bring down this paragraph and bring up the 2nd paragraph because that paragraph states that your interest in the medical field started long before this event. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the 2nd paragraph contains more compelling reasons for your wishing to become a PA. Far more convincing than the story about your grandmother. After all your experience as a certified nursing assistant has more than exposed and prepared you for the world of a physician assistant. Develop the 2nd paragraph instead. I believe your essay will benefit more from that representation of yourself than this one.

- You can actually add your experience with Katie and your grandmother here as the catalyst statement that pushed you to finally decide on a PA career.I believe it would be more effective in this part of your essay rather than at the very beginning where it creates a disjointed series of paragraphs instead.

I hope my revision advice helps you. I have always believed that the best way to correct an essay is to correct the content and format mistakes first and then worry about the grammar and sentence structure errors next :-) I am looking forward to the revised essay if you do decide to revise it :-)

Writing Feedback / "Yes Scotland" - The Scottish Referendum [4]

While we can correct the grammar errors in your paper at this point, I feel that there are still a number of important content problems in your paper that should be addressed first. So please let me give you a run down of those points so you can revise the essay accordingly. We can fix the grammar issues after :-)


- Bora, I would open with a stronger statement for your timely essay. I would say something at the very start like "No to the monarchy! Down with colonized rule in Scotland! That is the growing sentiment in the country that has for centuries has been governed by the British government, bowing to the Queen of England." Don't you think that makes for the creative hook that you need in the introduction? Right now, it is too historical in nature that unless you are familiar with the history of Scotland and the British empire, you just won't be interested in reading this. You can still use the information about the referendum, you just need to get started in a more interesting way like Kevin said.


- Before you discuss the financial potential of Scotland and why it should be given independence, you should first give an overview of how Scotland came under British rule, the negative effects of that rule, and then the growing sentiments against it. Don't forget to also represent the side that supports the monarchy if there is a side that does. Then you can proceed to discuss the benefits of a free Scotland as a separate statement.


- When you present this much information in one paragraph, you are unable to do more than just say it. You are not really talking about it or discussing it. Every reason you state should be part of a separate and well developed paragraph. This will afford you the space you need in order to properly present and convince the reader that you have the right opinion on the matter. Pick only the best information to share and discuss it. Limit yourself to 2 so that you don't run out time to write the essay.


- This is a good conclusion. However, you should have only wrapped this up by summarizing the content of your essay. You should not have presented new ideas such as David Cameron. Also, never sound unsure in an essay "might be" is not as powerful statement as "will be".

Writing Feedback / A leader should admit if they made a bad decision? Toefl exam. [12]

Adam, your sentences are almost grammatically correct. Let me correct some parts for you:-)


... becauseit makes him appear weak and shameful .


-... needs to exude a facade of strength and conviction in his decisions. Even when he is doubting the decision he made himself.

A word of advice, there is always more than one way to say something in written and spoken speech. If you are unsure about the structure, speak it out loudly, then silently. If it sounds wrong to you, it probably is and you should try another way of saying it. That is the only way you can practice expressing yourself in the written and spoken word :-)

Writing Feedback / 'good mental and body conditions' - people have different interpretation of enjoyment; TOEFL [5]

This is quite well written Kian. I like how you developed your statements in a somewhat solid manner. More discussion would be needed on the topic in order to properly shed light on the positions being discussed. This is certainly an improvement over the first one, even though I still found some grammar problems and sentence structure problems that needed to be corrected :-) I hope it helped !


- left undone


- ... than do things they...


- people's lives


- ... interpretationof personal...


- ... good wayto rest...


- ... a person who works in a... has to spend a notable number of hours ...




- using computers all...


- Next, we have the side of the people who believe that some people go about enjoyment the wrong way.


- Consider a person who works under the same previous conditions but enjoys internet surfing at the end of a work day.


- You need to clarify early in the statement that the person is doing the internet surfing during work hours at the office. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense.


- Try to choose only 2 of the examples that you feel best illustrates your point. 3 examples are excessive.

All in all as you see above, the people have different interpretations (...) are different in their life . In my view people should have a good balance among different aspects of their life because human is a social creature and it is important that everyone has an effective role in society and at the same time has enjoyment forhaving good mental and body conditions.

- As previously mentioned... in their lives... between different aspects... humans are social creatures which is why... that everyone have an... has enjoyment in order to promote good mental and body conditions.

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Hey Jang! I am so glad that we finally got that situation with your essay prompts clarified. I too am looking forward to your revised essay in whatever way, shape, or form that the university will want to receive it. Just remember, build your essay around their prompts and you will be all right :-)

A word of advice, don't feel overwhelmed by what the essay requirements may be. Don't try to cram all the information that you think is important in there. You need to learn to choose the highlights that will make you look like a very attractive addition to their student roster. We will all be here to help you revise you essay until you get it right and perfect :-) Just don't let your desire to sell yourself to the admission officer overwhelm you. You are prone to TMI - Too Much Information. That is where the weakness of your essay lies. So you need to learn to KISS it - Keep It Short Silly instead :-)

Unfortunately, forum rules don't allow me to share my email address with you. We are an open forum where everyone's input is important and considered by those who submit their essays. Don't worry, I am not going anywhere. I promise, I will assist you with your writing for as long as you want me to :-) So don't worry so much. Everything will be fine. We are here to make sure you get the help you need with your writing ;-)

Writing Feedback / Assigning homework every day to students is necessary or not ? [3]

Hamed, my comments will be below. I will revise the essay content for you whenever possible in order to show you how to make tighter paragraphs with 2 or more thoughts included in one sentence. Compare your work with my suggestions and then revise the essay accordingly. This will be a lesson in tightening your thoughts to fit into a specific paragraph. You forgot to consider the fact that when too much homework is assigned, students no longer have time to rest even after classes. That is why some countries no longer allow teachers to assign homework on Fridays, giving students time to rest during the weekend.


- Hamed,you are really improving :-) Even though there are still grammatical issues, you have shown that you have now learned how to include the essay prompt in the introduction in the proper way.However, you did not present an opposing view to be discussed so the essay lacks a balanced point of view. We also still need to work on the development of your thesis statement.

-Teachers use homework as a way of measuring the amount of information the student has learned in class. The problem is that it often feels like there is already too much homework being assigned to students. So they spend too much time studying after school and do not really get to rest and relax their body and brain after. That is why I believe that teachers could actually be assigning too much homework.


- Hamed, not all homework assigned can be applied in daily life. Therefore, your argument about reviewing homework based on daily activities is flawed. You should choose another reason. Also, did it ever occur to you that when students receive too much homework, the student already fails to learn because he cannot concentrate long enough on one subject to actually learn and memorize it?


- You have too many examples of how assignments are good for students. But that is not the only side to this issue, you need to balance it out by presenting the other side and showing the weakness of that argument so that your side can come out looking better by the end of the essay :-)


- Try to find another way to close the essay aside from starting with "To sum up", that is already a generic way of summing up an essay. Try to be a little bit more creative in the way you close your essay.

Overall, this is a very good try at a point of view essay. I just wish you had covered both sides of the issue in order to create a better informed and balanced essay. Your efforts are noted and commended in this particular paper :-) I hope you try to revise it so that we can see the improvement that I know you can develop with practice :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: "My shy girlfriend" - people should be honest [3]

Nicky, in answer to your question in another post, highlight the text and use the reply/quote button to get the same format that I do :-) Now for your essay. I hope I can help you out. It does not matter is the essay uses the same people as characters and examples, as long as you use their presence in the essay in the proper context. Meaning, whatever it is you are attributing to them is connected to the essay prompt. Such as in the case of this essay.


- While you present a nice situation opener here, you were not able to represent the prompt in the introduction. Don't forget, you need to restate that in the introduction in order to let people know what the discussion is. Do this before you present your point of view at the end of the statement. Now, let me show you how to shorten this introduction.

- My shy girlfriend would often pass notes to me in class, asking me to make statements on her behalf. She told me that she asked me to do it because she did not think it was polite to do so. While I recognize that there are some people who do not want to express their honest opinions in public, there are those who choose to do so. I am one of those people. If we don't voice out our opinions, our world will go into chaos, there won't be any true leadership and everyone will merely be followers instead of leaders. That is why I am of the opinion that people should always state their honest opinions.


- Rather showing examples every time, you should try to develop your analytical and defense skills by presenting you opinions straight out. The reason you should do this is because essays that ask for your opinion or degree of assessment expect you to discuss or argue your stance on a matter. Try that in your next essay. No examples, just say what you want to say.

-Hiding an honest opinion sometimes has its benefits. Specially in an office setting where the department heads often believe that they are better than the rank and file employees so they do not take kindly to the opinion of lower ranking employees. However, this also has its drawbacks. In case the plan of the department head fails, he will then blame his subordinates for not being honest with him. So honesty comes with some risks in certain instances. But if you are willing to accept these risks, then you should present your honest opinion.


- Again with the examples. You know what to do with this right? Revise it by going straight to the point.
- When one is asked to present an opinion, such as in the classroom or public discussion, one should do so. This encourages free thinking and exercises ones right to express himself without fear or doubt. There are no wrong or right opinions. Only honest opinions. Honest opinions often earn the respect of the teachers, professors, and other ordinary people when these are freely given and discussed or defended within reason.


I hope my comments help you out.As you can see, the essay could have been much shorter but informative. You should strive to achieve that kind of essay because it will save you time and offer you a chance to review your paper and improve it if needed with time to spare before submission. I am looking forward to the reading the second version :-)

Writing Feedback / A leader should admit if they made a bad decision? Toefl exam. [12]


- Adam, your first paragraph just felt lacking in content to me. You seemed almost disinterested in the topic and just wanted to get it over with. Which is why I suggested that you revise it using my suggestion. An introduction needs an interesting hook and should capture the reader's attention so that he will continue reading till the end of it.


- By dividing the paragraph into 2 you will be able to better establish your line of reasoning and strengthen your argument.By providing an example separately. you will also have room to present additional evidence to support your claim. Just remember to clearly establish your argument and use acceptable examples and evidence so that you will have academic integrity to support your argument.

Don't hesitate to let me know if you have additional questions. I'll be glad to assist you whenever I can :-)

Writing Feedback / A leader should admit if they made a bad decision? Toefl exam. [12]

Adam, let me see how I can help you with the grammar. Anything I strikeout you need to change, I'll mark that in red. My insertions will be in blue, and my comments, in green.


- I would probably have opened this paragraph with a story about a certain politician who made a mistake, refused to admit it, but then admitted his mistake anyway. Then I will mention how his admission affected the public. Then present the question the essay poses with my thesis at the end of it. For example: "When Pres. X was first accused of corruption, X was adamant that he would not resign just because of accusations, he eventually admitted his participation in the activity and resigned. At the time of his resignation, the GDP was on its way up, now it is at its lowest in 2 years. So this makes me wonder, should a leader admit if they have done something wrong or made a bad decision? I believe that he should admit his mistake but of course there are those who would say that an effective leader should not admit any mistakes because of certain reasons. "


- Before you present your reasons, you should first have presented the opposing side. Discuss what the disadvantages are when a leader admits to making a mistake. That way you will have a reason to contradict the reasons they gave. In other words, the supporting reasons will make your opposing reasons valid :-)


- This is a good example for your side of the issue. But use this as a separate paragraph to create a visual idea of how your reasons work for your discussion. First, discuss your reasons in a detailed manner that will fit the example you will be providing.


- You could actually merge these two into your concluding statement.

I hope my suggestions help you to revise the essay. While it does have grammar problems, I believe that those problems can be overlooked at the start of writing an essay in favor of creating a more solid and informative discussion first. When that is done, your grammar problems can be cleaned up :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

No problem. Let me get started on it right away :-) I'll read it and leave my comments below.


- You are jumping around here. You start off talking about your plans for your future then in the next paragraph you digress and go back to your high school experience. Once you start your essay with a look into the future, you can't look back. So I suggest that you just introduce the essay with a short anecdote about your first brush with the hospitality industry and how you felt at the time. That will serve as the introduction for the rest of your essay content.


- This is a good start. However, you are not answering the essay questions in the order that you were given the list so your essay is currently all over the place and without a solid direction. The list of questions were given to you in order to help you write your essay in the format that the admission officer needs to find out your information. Refer to the original list of questions and revise the essay to follow their question list.

I can't continue to review the essay at this point because of the fact that the most important factor, the reasons for applying to this particular university is merely a small mention in a single paragraph. There is absolutely no way an admission officer will continue reading this application because it rambles on about your high school experience that is not very relevant to the essay as it deviates too much from the prompts you were provided to discuss about your high school experience. I suggest that you expand the university discussion by going into great detail about it using the questions they provided AT THE BEGINNING OF THE ESSAY. I cannot stress this enough. You need to discuss this at the start because that is the order the essay is expected to be read in. Try to shorten your discussion of your activities and academic achievements to only the most notable ones. The portions where you excelled tremendously and showed potential for the hospitality industry will be additional positive considerations when the admission officer reads you application.

Right now, the essay is too long. Cut out all parts relating to the marching band. Do not tell them about your recommendation letter. Mention only your activities relating to the major you are applying for an play it up ( discuss it more). Tell them more about your academic strengths and shortcomings. This is not an essay about your volunteer activities. Follow the question list you were given so that the essay will have a proper format and direction. Make your informative without being too long. Summarize whenever you can. That way your essay will be more interesting to read. Talk less about your volunteer activities and more about your CPR project because the event can somehow be related to the major you are applying for.

Build up your passion for the hospitality industry with every paragraph. That will strengthen your application very much. I hope you won't be discouraged about having to revise the essay. You will probably have to write 3 more before we get it perfected. But don't worry, I will help you every step of the way. I won't give up on perfecting your essay if you won't :-)