Writing Feedback / Advertising directed only to a particular target audiences who can make decision for their selves [3]

Writing Practice for TOEFL IBT Preparation

This is the instruction for writing section :
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

And this is my essay.

(Introduction)
A lot of businesses are using varieties of methods to let people know and attracted to their products. The common and fastest way to do it is by television advertising. It is a favorite methods for many business because it can reach millions of people just showing for 10 seconds. However, businessman should be selective in choosing their target audience especially to children. From my opinion, young children who aged between two to five should not be the target of such advertising.

(First reason)
Young children don't have enough consideration to decide what is right and what is wrong. If they like it, then they would want it despite the disadvantages that can happen to them. It is because they don't know what disadvantages can possibly happening to them. A four year old kid is happy to grab a handful of gummy bear candy everyday he passed through a mini mart. The boy likes it because the sweetness and the texture of the candy but he doesn't know that by consuming it too much can lead corrosive teeth and high sugar level in his blood.

(Second reason)
Young children can't control their impulse. They will cry aloud when something they want to is prohibited or taken away from them. It is because at the time they only act according to impulse. If they want something they must have it. They won't listen to explanations.

(Third reason)
The thinking pattern of young children is still developing. By accepting a particular ideas, can shape it the wrong way. Many years ago there is a new reported that a boy jumped out of window because he want to fly like a superhero he watched on TV. Children learn from mimicking and it is dangerous if any of actions displayed in the advertising was performed by the children without any parental guidance.

(Conclusion)
Advertising should be responsibly shown only to particular target audiences who can make decision for their selves. Young children aren't in this category because their behaviors are influenced solely of interest and not knowing the consequences.

I really appreciate your advice on my essay. Thank you in advance.

Scholarship / Describe leadership experience in 250 characters including spaces [6]

Instruction:
Leadership experience
The goal of SI Study Scholarships is to enable the scholarship holders to play an active role in the positive development of the societies in which they live. Ideal candidates are ambitious young professionals who are able to demonstrate leadership experience and have a clear idea of how a study programme in Sweden would benefit their country.

I have difficulties to fit in my statement in 250 characters including spaces. I really appreciate it if you can suggest me the better structure that close to what the instruction is expecting. Thanks a lot in advances. Below is my first draft.

(Characters with spaces : 279)

My background as a leader just in few words

I have active leadership experience as an educators, social activist, member and head of student clubs, consultant and internal auditor. Upon graduation, I will be able to devote in advancing the academic quality of management and economics education and researches in Indonesia.

Scholarship / What do you plan to do after completing your master's degree in Sweden? [3]

Describe future plan in 220 characters including spaces.

Instruction: What do you plan to do after completing your master's degree in Sweden?

I try my best to breakdown the question to this equation Plan = career position + action to be carried (learning from Holt's suggestion).

This is my first draft, I manage to fit it precisely into 220 characters.

I really appreciated any suggestions to improve my essay. Thanks a lot in advance.

career, project, researches

Pursuing career as Lecturer and Management Consultant, leading projects for system improvement, team up with other professionals to conduct researches and workshops to educate managers about varied management strategies.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation for Quality & Operation Management Graduate Course [9]

Hi guys,

I am writing letter of motivation for graduate school. Below is my first draft.
Thank you very much in advance.

Essay prompt:

•The letter of motivation should not exceed one page and must be in English.
•The autobiographic section can be fairly brief, since submitting a CV is mandatory when applying to Chalmers.
•You may provide more than one letter of motivation, each directed to a specific Master's programme.
•Other than the above there are no standardised forms or templates for the letter of motivation, since the letter/s should be personal.

you should state the reason why you have chosen a specific Master's programme, and also why you have chosen Chalmers University of Technology. In the letter of motivation you should explain the connection to your current studies in your choice of programme, how your interests and skills will contribute to your success as a Master's student at Chalmers and what you hope to gain by being admitted, for your future career and for the society where you will practice your profession. You may also outline a thesis proposal based on your interests and view on the subject field.

SMES IMPROVEMENT THROUGH SUSTAINABLE PROCESSES

Management has never been main focus during my undergraduate study at UIB except for cost management course. I develop interest for management after I worked in a local shipyard company and actively participate in development of the Quality Management System. I learned more about management after took ISO 9001 standard awareness and internal audit trainings, version 2008 and 2015. I was fascinated with PDCA concept and pyramid connection of all company operation to company vision, mission and objectives. I put my knowledge in use for development and improvement of QMS in my current work as ISO Consultant.

As a consultant I see through many different management style and organization culture in our client companies. I found out that a lot of problem which cause low performance and even bankruptcy in a company lies within the management methods used by managerial people. I think that to sustain a business, one must not only be prepared financially but also possessed the right and socially responsible way to manage all the organizational processes. However a lot of people, especially Chinese descendant Indonesian who are born ambitious in establishing business neglecting important aspect in management such as monitoring, improvement, risk assessment and control which eventually lead their business to bankruptcy. This is such a loss because if the business managed to survive, it can provide increase to the country GDP and improve the economics. Thus, I am compelled to provide professional service to help the management of core business processes such as production and process quality improvement of Indonesia companies especially in Batam.

Chalmers University of Technology is ideal institution to support my academic pursuit because Quality & Operation Management course have a lot of research focus on operation sustainability issue which is perfectly align with my research interest. I believe I would be a valuable asset to the research teams' endeavor to solve operations problem in various industries specifically with my research focus in production processes sustainability for SMEs. In particular, I have developed particular interest to several researches led by Professor Mats Winroth on production strategies as supports for competitiveness in SMEs and indicators of sustainable production among Sweden manufacturing companies. A large research project for BPMS improvement that is currently progressing also caught my attention. It is also my intention to conduct a practical management research that benefits both academics and business.

I believe QOM is the most suitable for my master course because what the programme offers is exactly what I need. My intended outcomes after completing QOM are to be a lecturer and Management consultant involved in system improvement, research, and workshops meant to educate managers and develop cutting edge management strategies for future use in business management. In order to achieve it, I need to obtain knowledge and skills in managing, improving and transforming business processes and solid understanding about technical and managerial especially in quality and operation management.

I understand the differences of education system and environment between my home country and Sweden and may feel surprised in the beginning of my study. However, with independence and resilient that was forged by life experience to me. I am confidence that I can cope with the transition and course work, build professional connections for future research opportunities and complete my master degree within stipulated time frame. DONE.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation for Management & Economics of Innovation Course [3]

@Holt and everyone

The deadline for this is GMT 24:00 16 January.

I will really appreciate any suggestions to improve my letter of motivation.

Thank you very much.

BUSINESSES IMPROVEMENT THROUGH INNOVATIONS

I get my management background through my undergraduate study in several elective courses such as Strategic Management, Marketing Management and Operational Management. In my third year, I conducted an independent project under SMEs-COOP Program. Cooperative Academic Education Program (COOP) in SMEs that was hold by Higher Education, Technology and Research Ministry aim to provide practical and industrial knowledge to students and real solution to problems faced by SMEs. In four months of the program, I provide bookkeeping solutions to local SMEs that produce bakery in household scales using Microsoft Excel and in return I was able to understand the establishment of the business, how a bakery operates and basic of the entrepreneurship.

Product and service demands in Indonesia, as the 4th populous country in the world, offer chances and a fertile ground for business growth. While there are people who make use of this opportunity such as Nadiem Nakarim, founder of GO-JEK, a company was established with excellent idea of combining smartphone application with motorcycle taxi, some people fail to develop and sustain their business against the competition from inside and outside of the country. According to my observation, the most of the business closed because inability to compete with similar business that also targeting the same market. Moreover, competitions from foreign companies which are more advance in all business aspects push local businesses to quickly come up with new technical idea of products, services and management that will enable them to stay competitive, be leader in its industry and improve them financially.

In order to conduct the innovation, business leaders need to have channels and opportunities to learn the relevant knowledge and skills. This is where I play my role to help and enlighten them with strategies, tools and management methods that lead to successful innovation that is measured through financial improvement. In order to professionally realize my goal, I need to upgrade my qualification with accomplishing master degree and obtain understanding of relationship between technical knowledge and economic growth, inter-organizational innovation and management of knowledge networks.

Chalmers University of Technology is the best institutional choice for me to pursue my master since Management and Economics of Innovation focus in interactive action-oriented research for real problems encountered by companies and provide actionable knowledge which is aligned with my research interest. Department of Technology Management and Economics also owns researches centers which is Chalmers' strength such as Center for Business Innovation (CBI) and Center for intellectual Property Studies (CIP) which will support me in conducting research during my study. I have particular interest and hope to be able to read the publication of research projects developed by CBI which are "Business Model Changes" led by Associate Professor Joakim Bjorkdahl and "circular business models in the manufacturing industry" led by Mats Williander. I am interested to learn more their projects about business model and use it for improvement of businesses in Indonesia.

Scholarship / How would SI Scholarship for studies in Sweden be valuable for the applicant? [6]

Prompt: In your opinion, how would SI Scholarship for studies in Sweden be valuable for the professional and academic development of the applicant?

Scholarship Reference Letter

My best effort :

SI Scholarship shall expose Messal to the learning of advanced technology and practices in management studies in one of the most developed country with highest ranking in sustainability which will be valuable knowledge asset to pursue her future career as a professionally recognised and competent Management Consultant in analysing issues in complex business operations, address them with appropriate and effective management strategies and applicable methods to put the strategies in to actions that help to sustain and develop the business especially SMEs in Batam.

Studies in Sweden will also open the door for her to manage herself in a constructive environment where she will experience and learn the adaptation skills, cope with totally new cultures and challenges in daily and campus life, and be discipline in completing course works and projects with timely manner. Numerous discussions and presentations that will take place during the studies also will hone her skills in public speaking and build relations with academicians and professionals in the industries especially in international context which are important aspects for her future career as a Management Consultant.

I am drafting my reference letter to be review later by my referee. I am hoping for valuable feedback which can improve the coherent of the prompt to the draft. The deadline is tomorrow. Many thanks in advances.

Scholarship / Applicant's potential to attribute and/or drive social changes [12]

Prompt: Briefly comment on the applicant's potential to contribute to and/ or drive social change in his/her context.

SCHOLARSHIP REFERENCE LETTER

In her role as a Document Controller cum ISO Consultant for my client's company, she demonstrates she is a good listener and giving advice to effectively solve any problems encountered during her period of service. Combine with her experience and commitment in teaching, I think she has great prospect to be a reliable mentoring and provide coaching to organizations that seek help in improving its business operations financial situation. This can contribute to increase in job employment and urge the economic activity to be more active.

Based on her strong relationship with her almamater university and several companies in manufacturing industries from her past work experience, and deep interest in collaborations can lead to a lot of chances to bridging beneficial relationships between organization from her home country with professionals and academicians in Sweden while studying there. I believe what I mentioned she capable to in the future will improve a lot of economics condition, enhance the managers' knowledge in management and more likely attract the interest of young professionals and students in her chosen field.

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I am writing the draft on behalf of my referee which will be reviewed later by her.
I appreciate any comments for the above essay.
Thank you so much in advance.

Scholarship / Leadership capacity and potential to play a role in development of the society [3]

Prompt: Please evaluate the applicant's leadership capacity and potential to play a role in development of the society (e.g. in networking, motivation and perseverance; problem solving and communication). Please give a concrete example.

she is a great prospect

In her role as a Document Controller cum ISO Consultant in one my clients, PT. Global Link Engineering, she was able to find common ground and build relationship with the employees that enable them to trust her and openly discuss their problems with QMS implementation with her. During her service period, she has proven that she was a good listener and able to generate applicable and effective solutions for them.

Combining her problem solving skills and passion in social commitment, I fully believe she is a great prospect to be a reliable mentor and coach to organizations that seek help in improving its operations management, expand and sustain their business, and grow financially. Her contributions for companies that achieved those objectives indirectly impact the increase in job employment, upgrade the managers' expertise, and urge the economic activity to be more active.

urge the economic activity to be more active. I feel this structure is not very good but don't know how to write it better.

I really appreciate any suggestion from you guys, thank you very much in advances.