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Posts by cissylewel
Joined: Oct 29, 2009		 Last Post: Nov 11, 2009
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cissylewel   
Oct 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Finance and mathematics - academic interest essay [6]

this is my academic interest essay... I really understand it is far from good... so please, please help me with it... any advice will be keenly appreciated！

My academic interest

People's interests are objective. Their visions change, the interests change. I dreamt to be a designer ever since a little girl till last year. Designer dream lasted for almost 14 years, however, superseded by the goal of being a practitioner in finance when Chinese launched a series boycott to Carrefour.

It was the behavior of patriotism, but obviously irrational. I was at that time undertook a mission-giving a speech about the theme above. However, in the procedure of collecting profiles that demonstrate boycott changes nothing, but finance does, things more than I anticipated appeared: the so-called currency war, the sub-prime mortgage crisis... I was stunned by those unfamiliar but magic vocabularies and concepts, gradually feeling that actuarial science is the best combination of my interest and forte, math.

Though both of the finance ABC and mathematics class are available in my curriculum, finance to me is not as apparent as mathematics. I surely can get full marks in mathematics tests; even can describe what mathematics like. In the contrast, finance to me is much more mysterious-it controls all parts of the modern capital or social societies, and; it is a random system, however still has some regular patterns; it is cold, emotionless, nevertheless finally is able to boom society. Healthy finance to the whole world is what healthy body to person; as well, finance now is no longer a way for banker to obtain fortune, but for making appreciation to public wealth, and eventually benefits society.

Finance now opens a totally new perspective for me to contemplate, at the same time offers me a fresh feeling of academic that seldom provided by fundamental subjects. So the reason to build up the first economic club, which is a new hit, in my high school, emerged.
cissylewel   
Oct 29, 2009
Undergraduate / DICKINSON C SUPPLEMENT (SCIENCES& ARTS) [11]

i do think you need to focus on several topics. i can't see what exactly you try to talk about. NO OFFENCE```
cissylewel   
Oct 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Tootsie Herndon - Someone who has impacted your life. [4]

it is really impressed! ur grandma is great.
only some advices:
"Most of them were an example of who not to be." is awkward... especially " who not to be" ;
And it will be better if you talk about "how she affects you" more.
cissylewel   
Oct 29, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I taught them English and music' - essay about Volunteer work [6]

my worst essay-- volunteer work. I use the essayrater, and get only 51. I welcome any criticism!

All of my friends had difficulties to believe that I begun working for volunteer station by teaching left-behind kids. Being affluent and even spoiled, my initiation to go to the poor city outskirt is the yearning to observe how pauper kids, mainly the left-behind children whose rustic parents do the sweat-or-blood-cost jobs to build big city, live.

The shabby classroom contained about 20 9-to-10-year-old kids. They were as shy as I was first we meet, but gradually getting familiar with me that one day while I parked my Buike into the HOME OF LEFT-BEHIND KIDS, 10 or more of my little students enclosed me, begging for taking a ride of the car that they had never sat on. And once when I brought my projector, planning to show them some slides, a 9-year-old boy put his black hands on my baby equipment, asking me if it was a laptop.

I taught them English and music general, but the most useful thing I brought there, I think, is a picture of unfamiliar but wide world and futureïthese keep kids from narrow viewpoint. And at that time I realized the responsibility I shall take to keep me from fragile performance, as a grow-up.

Academically neediness makes them wonder much more than their poor schools provide; thus they try strenuously absorbing knowledge, no matter how tough the way maybe; financially neediness never destroys their will to capture happy lives, but compels them to be stronger, like Chinese preceding generations who transformed the conventional and backward China, with traditional brave and fortitude that the so-called main-trend teenagers lack.

Determining that social work a part of my lifelong business, I stayed and cherished the social and self cognition renewing during these days.
cissylewel   
Oct 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Story didn't stop here; experience- tour of college [5]

the last paragraph seems a littel awkward````anyway, welcome criticism!!!!

this is my second draft````anyone read it````

After a college tour, an original idea of designing then making our school logo T-shirt gathered Curtis, Helen and me together. Several days later, our passion became a great social practice plan that interesting and beneficial simultaneously: marketing research, selling experiment, and, volume produce!

2500 pieces of questionnaires illustrated that our schoolmates preferred famous brands to be the blank T-shirt where we printed logo. We googled some manufacturers of Nike, Jeanswest and Metersbonwe and called them, but resulted in ridicules on our ignorable demand. So we visited their exclusive stores, in which we still didn't get acceptable discount.

Thus, talks about how much they can discount filled up my whole summer. To persuade them that we deserved a low price, we brought quiet a few reasons, like "we actually propagandized your brand if we use your clothes" or "we will submit bigger orders soon"; we even showed them our proposal to demonstrate how prospective this market can be.

I looked into the manager's eyes, "Will you sell these out in the end of summer, sir?" smiled. "Oh, autumn is coming!" Curtis responded at once. Bargaining table is a place where brains work rapidly, yet fact and reason don't work that well as strategies. Sometimes we push, while we also compromise, like TaiJi. Gradually, with these negotiating experiences, I felt free when dealing with people, and convinced Jeanswest successfully.

Story didn't stop here, but the negotiating experience is already special and meaningful enough to me. My first-time involvement of real world released my braveness and firmness to unknown, as well taught me so much about interpersonal skills, which seemed week before I devoted myself into this plan. Reality is much tougher than I thought, however chances and solutions are also everywhere.

You may already know-- my smile and confident manners finally convinced Jeanswest agency give us 60% discount. Let's go on.
cissylewel   
Oct 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Finance and mathematics - academic interest essay [6]

thank you soooooooooooooooooooooo much! but i decided to discard that one... that one sucks...
thank you! if it is possible, please give me some help in another activity/experience essay... i'll really appreciate!
cissylewel   
Nov 1, 2009
Undergraduate / UC #1 Family influence: Bioengineering [3]

you may seperate the main paragraph...
and it isn't long enough. there's still space to develope how they shaped your dream.
only my individual opinion..
cissylewel   
Nov 7, 2009
Undergraduate / BU admission Supplemental Essay 2010. [7]

i agree with ayida, and as for this part of your essay--

First of all, it's way too easy to say ambition is just an amazing quality.
Indeed, it is in the courage ambitious have to take out that we have to find the greatness of this virtue.
In fact, ambition means risk; the higher you aim, the lower you may fall.
However, I think it is worthy trying hard to get the best in your life.
Indeed, if you never seize the moment, you will live forever with the question: "what if..?".I am glad to be determined, because my ambition strengthens my choices, and makes me achieve my goals.

i think you need some improvements. it is a little strange to separate a part like that, and the words, like "first of all", "indeed" "in fact" may make readers think they are reading a toefl essay.
cissylewel   
Nov 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "If I were born in a poor household" - the world you come from, how it shaped you [10]

I totally have no confidence with this essay... i don't know if it will make me a geek or a wicked girl... anyway, just criticize!

Most of the wealthy and high-educated families of this city live in west national CBD. Their children study in exclusive or high-threshold public schools, and learn to be the wealthy or educated next generation; housewives spend whole noon in gyms or SPA canters; or having a party in small gardens. Several years earlier, my family moved to west CBD, which was an ideal environment to my parents' ideality-cultivating their only child a graceful lady who will eventually marry a gentleman and make our family name decent.

However, I seem like a totally outsider. Though I do have built many tastes as they anticipated, and I do have had enjoyable times with my neighborhood ladies, I know my aspiration belongs to somewhere else.

I have run away from home twice. The first time, I went to the outskirt alone to see the last steam train passing by when I was 10. The second time, I escaped from light pollution far away, and found a plot of lawn, lying down, waiting for my first Gemini meteor-shower of lifetime. Everything fell in quiescence; only cold wind blew my face to remind me I was not in the dream. Strangely I did not feel scared of dark, but only the similar peaceful as my circumstance. My mind wandered randomly in that tranquility: my parents' expectation, my real desire, my future... Meteors scratched some short lines in the mute sky; I swore I had seen the vague Milky Way.

I undoubtedly got reproach when got home; it might be the most angry mom I had ever seen, despite the time she found me furtively brewed 4 bottles of wine in my room-those liquid sent out acid smell.

I do not know why. I love my parents and felt guilty when I can not satisfy them, and apparently I can ink out "rebellion stage" as the reason since I have passed it for years. Three years already, I've been struggling with self-cognition and my controversial future. The whole world around me--my family, my school and my neighborhood-- is trying to shape me an orthodox, sophisticated, and complaint women; however the harder it tried to shape me that way, the profounder I feel that my life suppose to fill of discoveries, journeys and challenges. That sounds like a plasticine-playing child who tries to shape the plasticine a ball, nevertheless makes it a cylinder.

I know no one means to it. Things may totally change if I were born in a poor household-my dream might be to own what these middle class ladies have: gorgeous clothes, college, and a peaceful life. However, it is exactly the ease and comfort shaped my dreams and aspiration. I saw how lifeless and meaningless it will be since the first day I touch it, and only wanted to pursue adventures as doing something beyond their definition for me.

Anyway, appreciation to my world is indispensable-it has given me so much materially, and, on the other hand, helps me find my dreams and aspirations.
cissylewel   
Nov 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "If I were born in a poor household" - the world you come from, how it shaped you [10]

I have changed some places... no one? please just criticize! any criticism is welcome~~ please~~
new vision

Most of the wealthy and high-educated families of this city live in west national CBD. Their children study in exclusive or high-threshold public schools, and learn to be the wealthy or educated next generation; housewives spend whole noon in gyms or SPA canters; or having a party in small gardens. Several years earlier, my family moved to west CBD, which was an ideal environment to my parents' ideality-cultivating their only child a graceful lady who will eventually marry a gentleman and make our family name decent.

However, I seem like a totally outsider. Though I do have built many tastes as they anticipated, and I do have had enjoyable times with my neighborhood ladies, I know my aspiration belongs to somewhere else.

I have run away from home twice. The first time, I went to the outskirt alone to see the last steam train passing by when I was 10. The second time, I escaped from light pollution far away, and found a plot of lawn, lying down, waiting for my first Gemini meteor-shower of lifetime. Everything fell in quiescence; only cold wind blew my face to remind me I was not in the dream. Strangely I did not feel scared of dark, but only the similar peaceful as my circumstance. My mind wandered randomly in that tranquility: my parents' expectation, my real desire, my future... Meteors scratched some short lines in the mute sky; I swore I had seen the vague Milky Way.

I undoubtedly got reproach when got home; it might be the most angry mom I had ever seen, despite the time she found me furtively brewed 4 bottles of wine in my room-those liquid sent out acid smell.

I do not know why. I love my parents and felt guilty when I can not satisfy them, and apparently I can ink out "rebellion stage" as the reason since I have passed it for years. Three years already, I've been struggling with self-cognition and my controversial future. The whole world around me--my family, my school and my neighborhood-- is trying to shape me an orthodox, sophisticated, and complaint women; however the harder it tried to shape me that way, the profounder I feel that my life suppose to fill of discoveries, journeys and challenges. That sounds like a plasticine-playing child who tries to shape the plasticine a ball, nevertheless makes it a cylinder.

I know no one means to it. Things may totally change if I were born in a poor household-my dream might be to own what these middle class ladies have: gorgeous clothes, college, and a peaceful life. However, it is exactly the ease and comfort shaped my dreams and aspiration. I saw how lifeless and meaningless it will be since the first day I touch it, and only wanted to pursue adventures as doing something beyond their definition for me.

Anyway, appreciation to my world is indispensable-it has given me so much materially, and, on the other hand, helps me find my dreams and aspirations.
cissylewel   
Nov 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "If I were born in a poor household" - the world you come from, how it shaped you [10]

thank you Kevin...
so, the most important and powerful sentence should be my aspiration. but i want to express that i don't like living the life which my parents have already arranged, instead, i love to do something beyond their arrangement. this is how my world shaped me... so should i write like this---

Several years earlier, my family moved to west CBD, which was an ideal environment to my parents to cultivate their only child a graceful lady. But since then, my aspiration of being someone beyond my parents' arrangement formed gradually.

ok.... i still don't feel it is suitable...as the most powerful sentence of this essay.

then, is the theme good? this is my true feeling whcih accumulated for several years, but when i wrote down all these things, i was confused````should i really present this ME to readers? if it is a huge problem````i am considering to discard this essay`` :-(

or maybe it is the problem of the differences between west/east writing style? :-) (joking)

give me more instructions and advices! thanks a lot!!!
cissylewel   
Nov 7, 2009
Undergraduate / Tell us about when you tried something for which you had no talent. How'd it go? [5]

something you have no talent in is not always something you can't make it at once.
i question that Edison had no talent in inventing... :-)
i guess you need focus on "what you think/do/feel when you have no talent on lab work" , I just feel we can talk about what exactly do "no talent" mean.

anyway the first 4 paragraph is impressive...
cissylewel   
Nov 8, 2009
Undergraduate / An experience through which i have gained respect for differences [10]

Michigan short answer 1:Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

please help... i really want to submit as soon as possible``` any suggestion/advice is welcome!
Breathtaking. Giant trees kept sunlight away from the heart of the holy forest. Even birds vanished. Arcane song in an unfamiliar language, perhaps also the glimmer strike notes from all women's silver jewelries, are the only sounds I heard. I stood in the middle of the crowd which formed by 88 female relatives I barely know, dressed in a suit of exotic dress that would be superseded by another in 15 minutes, and felt faint. The oldest woman in tribe came to me with a blue and black dress; solemnity showed on her face...

It is not a movie or a day-dream; I experienced this ritual called "costume changing" as an Adulthood Ceremony for Yi girls, personally. A half of my blood belongs to Yi, one of the 55 Chinese minorities that inhabit in the southeast China, though I never paid attention. So, my mom took me to the tribe in my 17, to, quote, "let you gain some respect to your blood".

And I suddenly did, after experienced this holy moment. My interest and understanding of Yi dramatically increased. The awfulness to humanity-nature harmony makes Yi people live a naive or even original life, but hundreds of times happier than city dwellers, while have a strong responsibility to their living environment, because trees are their gods, birds and dogs are their benefactors. I hope one day I can bring this part of my cultural diversity to Michigan, and also my reverence to nature and humanity. I feel a strong impulse to share my viewpoint of simple and joyful life like Yi's, and their special singing and dancing style, with Michigan.
cissylewel   
Nov 8, 2009
Undergraduate / An experience through which i have gained respect for differences [10]

thank you, Jeannie and David !! i really appreciate your help~~~ you are really kind...

PS: Jeannie, it was the ceremony for my incoming adulthood. i was the heroine in that event. ^_^ my mom is Yi, and she thought i haven't enough respect to Yi.. so she brought me there. i want to submit my application tonight.. but thank you anyway.
cissylewel   
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Deciding to Leave High School- UC - experience [11]

I really feel the same way as you do, especially before my 16... this essay evoked some of my painful or maybe sweet memories ... but I am not as brave as you... I gave up, and continued my high school.

oh, and I still feel unconfortable when dealing with people... ^_^

but I don't know if it is a good idea to say this when almost every university is underlying DIVERSITY... your essay seems to transmit a resistance to diversity. personally i think it is a little negative. you can try to reduce some statements in the third paragragh.

any way, good luck!
cissylewel   
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "Small gestures in Japanese Culture" - Common app prompt [6]

I feel a little confused: what exactly you want to talk about? i think you should do some work in relating small gestures in Japanese Culture to your theme. [airplane---small gestures] I really have some difficulties to find the relation.

and the first paragraph will be little boring if you give so many statements at first without description.
those are my personal opinion, though.
this is your draft, anyway, so... good luck.
cissylewel   
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / 'My pessimism' - UC Prompt #1-describe the world you come from [4]

personal opinion:
according to the prompt, you should describe the WORLD you come from. but what you described is one THING that affected your dream. you can't call a episode in your life a world...i think.
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