Undergraduate / "never started learning Chinese until I entered high school" - common app [12]

HELP! >.<
I just made a revised draft of my Common App admission essay to send in tomorrow to 5 different schools by mail but I'm worried it might be bit too rushed as I just had too many exams piled up (I can't believe I did it in 2 days and I'm sure I made many grammar mistakes because my writing is not really all that great).

If you could have a look at my essay, give any advice on how I could make my essay better, make it more to the point and help me think of a suitable title for a last minute revision - I'd be very grateful.

And yes, I am living in Hong Kong. If you want a postcard, just ask.XD

Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

At age 10, I flew halfway around the world from the United States to relocate to Hong Kong.

As I passed through Hong Kong Customs, and entered Hong Kong, an island thousands of miles away from the only home I knew, I had no idea what to expect. I was a typical, carefree and fun-loving boy. At that age, I thoroughly enjoyed learning names of dinosaurs, watching sci-fi movies and playing table tennis. It was when I entered high school in Hong Kong; my life took a drastic change.

I never started learning Chinese until I entered high school. Unlike the students in my high school, my native language was English. However, my high school teaches all subjects in Chinese. It was horribly difficult to cope with my studies when I had to look up Chinese characters in every subject book one by one just to capture the contents of my lessons, not to mention I couldn't catch any of the words my teacher said. To make matters worse, I didn't fit well with other local students as there were significant cultural gaps accompanied by an obvious language problem. I felt terribly lonely because I couldn't make any friends. Life seemed meaningless. I thought of giving up and wanted to return to the States.

Quitting was not an option. I didn't want to tell myself I was a quitter and that's what I will have to live with for the rest of my life. That would have been foolish and would not have accomplished anything. I pulled myself together. I worked day and night, telling myself that I knew more everyday than I did the day before. As I worked myself away, I saw my hard work becoming fruitful. As my Chinese steadily improved, I made new friends. Once they knew my situation, they tried to help me and support me. They also encouraged me to join in their social activities. When I look back to my high school years in Hong Kong; I see an academic journey, a cultural journey as well as a mental journey I have made.

I realize how attitude impacted every corner of how I overcame difficulties most would succumb. Attitude holds the key to my perceptions; perceptions to my behaviors; behaviors decide outcome. We have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we choose to face situations. With a confident, determined and optimistic attitude, I believe in changing the unchangeable, make the impossible possible, pursuing our never-ending quest of living a meaningful life.

As I am preparing to fly back halfway around the world to the States again, I am very excited about how the world will unfold. Approaching my university life, I hope to share my unique experience with others around me.

Undergraduate / Admissions Essay Influential Person-Mother [3]

Hi, this is my first draft (rushed because of an array of exams and SAT I&II /TOEFL colliding *sigh*.), but I have this due in a few days, so I would really appreciate it if someone could advise me on what else I can add (need a bit more to reach the perfect-500 word), correct the grammar and hopefully revise the essay if there are irrevelant items and cliches. And yeah, I know, the 'mother/father is my person who influenced me' essay is a bit overused but I couldn't think of anyone else.

Prompt: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

My mother has always been an extraordinary influence on my life. She gets things done independently. She is the kind of person who somehow magically manages to accomplish many tasks at the same time - raising her two children, going to work and finding time to have open discussions with her children. Growing up with such a strong role model, she has shaped many of my personalities. Not only did I learn how to be independent and confident in myself, but I also gained her enthusiasm for life.

My mother always encourages me to make choices, to be the boss of myself. She tells me to write down the advantages and the disadvantages of each choice on paper, and then consider the pros and cons carefully to make a final decision. However, after making a decision, she reminds me that I should be ready to face the consequences that my choice might bring forth. In other words, she wants me to be prepared to face the worst case scenario. She never forces me to do anything and I think this is why I am such an independent and self-managing person today.

She has always been the one who pushed me off the bicycle so I can ride myself. I used to be a bookworm, only interested in reading and academics. She introduced friends for me and although I was shy at first, I slowly became a sociable person. When I became too social, occupying my time with games, I got lazy with my studies; she pushed to be more hard-working. These changes weren't easy, as I was reluctant at first, but I soon learned to be a person who excels both academically and socially with confidence.

Everything that my mother has ever done has been overshadowed by the thought behind it. While the many experiences I have had with her had been spectacular, I have learned to truly value them by watching my mother. She has enriched my life with her passion, shaping me along the way. In her endless love of everything and everyone she is touched by, I have seen a hope and life that is truly exceptional.

Next year, I will find a new home in the States many thousands of miles away from Hong Kong, my old home. However, in my heart, my mother will always be by my side.

Undergraduate / "the most suitable learning environment" - Carnegie Mellon Supplementary Essay [3]

Hi,please help with my essay. I know I'm cutting it close and I still have some more supplementary essays. I cant believe I made this draft in 1 hour xP. I think I will edit it once then send it, so I need someone to correct grammar and help with any minor editing or additions. Thanks a bunch! xP

Carnegie Mellon Supplementary Essay

Ever since I was little, I have always been fascinated by the wonders of the human body and the nature of the pretty changing colors when two reactive solutions are added together. Not only did I have the passion for science, but I excelled in it as well.

Thus I decided to pursue a career in medicine and biochemistry as I believe that the Mellon College of Science would provide me with the knowledge and skills needed in the biomedical field. I have learned that Carnegie Mellon's research provides opportunities to students who are gifted and nurtures them well. Because Carnegie Mellon provides its students with such advantages is what determines CMU's as my number one choice.

Through my research I have found CMU is the most suitable learning environment which offers the increment of knowledge under the supervision of distinguished professors while providing the advanced technology to improve one's ability to learn through experience. I believe these opportunities will not only assist me to develop my potentials but also help me in gaining a concrete familiarity in my prospective field.

Considering all these factors, I think that CMU will not merely play a major part in shaping my success but will make my goals succeed by equipping me well to achieve my dream to be a doctor. I know this opportunity can help display the range of talents I have while demonstrating my intense love for science, which is why I am especially interested in attending the Mellon College of Science among the many renowned schools CMU offers.

Undergraduate / JHU Supplementary Essay - Sick Sister - Need HELP fast! [13]

Hi, I need a grammar check on my supp. essay and help with the transition and content focus. I am also not sure if I answered the prompt appropriately cause this is just a 2nd draft. Gonna send it after one last check. So please help XP. Thanks!

JHU Supplementary Essay

Ever since I was little, I have always been fascinated by the wonders of the human body and the nature of the pretty changing colors when two reactive solutions are mixed together. Not only did I have the passion for natural sciences, but I have excelled in them as well.

Because of this, I have decided to choose a path in pursuit of my two most ardent passions: Biology and Chemistry, specifically at Johns Hopkins University.

A determining factor that has influenced my decision to study Biology and Chemistry is when I first heard of my sister contracting inherited leukoderma, which causes white patches on the skin. Instinctively, I went online and looked up the disease on Wikipedia. However, there was no detailed description of the disease on the web. After further research, I have found out that although there are theories, we do not know the definite causes of the disease. The treatments today can merely alleviate the symptoms, but there is no known cure that gets to the root of the disease. Due to leukoderma, my sister cannot be in direct contact with sunlight, restricting many regular activities we may take for granted, such as going to the beach or strolling around the park. Although she has this condition, she does not shy away from it, facing it with incredible strength and resilience, trying to live a normal but plentiful life. My sister's condition and her vitality have inspired me to pursue the field of genetics and biochemistry in my future years.

Through my research, I have discovered that the Krieger School of Arts and Science offers not only a large selection of biological courses but genetics courses as well. I believe this can help deepen my understanding of hereditary conditions and genetic treatments, two topics that intrigues me deeply. By utilizing my fundamental concepts of biochemical processes and gene regulation, I wish to pursue the greater field of biochemistry and medicine. As a freshman, I will be able to attend seminars like "From Genes to DNA and Back" and other courses that will help me nurture my potential in this aspect.

Inspired by her spirit and hoping to contribute in the area of genetics and diseases, I have no doubt in pursuing Biology and Chemistry at Johns Hopkins University.

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - Xiangqi (Chinese Chess) [6]

"Please briefly elaborate (150 words or fewer) on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experiences).

I have a passion for mentally challenging activities. This is why Xiangqi, or Chinese Chess, is my favorite pastime. I have played it for five years. Through Xiangqi, I have improved my logical-thinking and become humble and patient.

Victory used to mean everything to me. Through Xiangqi, I learned to embrace defeat over victory and value mistakes. Mistakes are inevitable with each move, a reality to chance theory, as each randomized event may have unexpected consequences. In Xiangqi, one careless move can cost the whole game. It is more important to recognize my mistakes and learn not to repeat the same mistake twice.

Xiangqi equates how we all lead life. Life is also full of unknowns, and unknowns lead to making mistakes and blunders. Each move is a sequence of life; each game a lesson in life. I have accepted failure as the mother of success.

1. An suggested ending sentence.

2. Grammar check.

3. Any other changes.

Please help and I'll help yours (link). Thank you and merry christmas!

Undergraduate / Rochester Short Answer. why good fit + different points of view [NEW]

Rochester Supplementary Short Answers

1. What makes the University of Rochester a good fit for you? In answering, identify your sources of information, including any conversations you've had with Rochester faculty, staff, students, or alumni.

Rochester's open curriculum was what first caught my attention while I was searching for colleges online. According to Rochester's website, Rochester enables students to take additional courses, regardless of what major they have chosen. I believe Rochester would be a good fit for me as it allows me to pursue my utmost passions with relative combination freedom. I wish to focus on my intended major while exploring and developing other fields of interest and the curriculum's flexibility would allow me to accomplish that. In Hong Kong, the system requires adherence to one selected curriculum, and I would be unable to satisfy all my academic curiosities. Rochester does not have this limitation. I believe Rochester will pique all of my interests - disciplined with diversity.

2. Rochester students represent many different points of view. Each student constructs an independent study and research plan. Describe what you will contribute to Rochester's diversity of ideas, experiences, and identities. If you can, incorporate a positive past experience where you chose your own learning path, or a negative experience where you wanted to exercise more independence.

Different people have different cultures, different experiences, leading to individuality. In past, I have thrived in different cultural environments. My primary school was comprised of people from different nationalities, like Indian, Pakistani, and Filipino. I carried discrepancies at first, but after a while I found my classmates enthusiastic and cooperative. Once, we had to do a project together. At first, we quarreled on how to display the project, getting nothing done. Despite our differences, we overcame this barrier and learned to integrate our ideas. As a result, we received an A- but more importantly we learned the beauty of team spirit. I believe growing in a diverse environment helps us appreciate everyone for their uniqueness and I wish to contribute this to Rochester.

This is a first draft and I think I didnt do too well on the transition and connection. Also need second opinion on emphasize on 'positive' past experience for #2 short answer.

Please help and make any necessary changes.

WORD LIMIT:125 each

Undergraduate / U of Michigan - Respect for Diversity - Cultural Diff. (Chinese and Americans) [6]

First draft. Needs a lot of butchering. Also needs to be heavily cut down from 337 words to around 250 without losing the meaning (maybe I made the exp. to long?). Do I sound biased in any way? Also, feel free to make any changes or additions you feel necessary. Thanks.

"Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan. (around 250 words)

I used to study at an elementary school in the States, but I am studying at an all-Chinese Hong Kong high school.

In the Chinese classroom, we had a class discussion. I enjoy involvement in classroom discussions. However, the majority of the class was rather quiet and there were many dead moments of silence during that classroom discussion. Some had really brilliant ideas but were silent at the beginning and would only speak nearing the end. Perhaps they preferred to have exhausted all careful considerations prior to speaking up. This reminded me of discussions when I was in the States, my American classmates were more assertive and we all felt empowered to hold open discussions at ease. The experience had made me induce my Chinese classmates tend to be more conservative and full of thought before action, whereas Americans are more bold and unconstrained. Both cultural behaviors are unique and I have learned to appreciate each of their differences.

My exposure to both sides of the spectrum, both as a Chinese and an American, have made me think more deeply about diversity. Diversity is not just about culturally diversity, it is the different perspectives that occur from different people that may have an origin somewhere from their different societies and communities and beliefs. I believe diversity is an essential aspect to maturity, allowing us to appreciate differences and allow people with different beliefs to work together toward a greater good. I look forward to even more diversifying experiences to broaden my ethnic and peripheral horizons at the University of Michigan.