Undergraduate / "our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure" - FSU CARE ESSAY [3]

"I know that with hard work comes success, which is why I strive to better myself every day." -I wouldn't use single

I would make the part about your dad coming to the united states its own paragraph, and then elaborate more on how what he did impacts how you feel about working hard for your success.

I don't know what the prompt is, but I would also add how you will enrich the experience for others also.

Undergraduate / "Vires, Artes, Mores" are my guiding philosophies - FSU 2010 Essay Topic [3]

Elaborate more, tell a personal story about deciding right from wrong, on why cheering at FSU is important, and why academics are important.

In this essay they aren't only looking for how well you can write, they want to know how you will enrich there campus. My biggest suggestion is to make it more personal. College essay readers like detail and the more detail you have the better understanding of you they will get.

Undergraduate / "A lesson from my world, Taiwan"....UC Prompt 1 [4]

I obviously don't know you, but it doesn't sound like you. Or better yet, it doesn't sound like you care about what you are writing about. My English teacher once told me that my paper sounded like a news column, when I took a second look I understood that there was no personal feelings in any of the paragraphs. Tell them how your sisters story is important to you, why you are glad your parents sent you to the united states. Also, the story about your host mother could be extremely influential. You should really elaborate and make it personal. But I do agree with your counselor, your main points aren't relevant to one another. I would out line like this

I. Intro- Background on Taiwan, and education system

II. Body - You sister suffered (how, deff. elaborate on the effects it had on you), your parents decided to send you here, and you have learned more than what you are taught in school by living with your host mother (maybe how she effected you)

III. Conclusion - I really like it, except the last sentence. Don't use therefore, find a way to re word it

Undergraduate / "Jessica won't be there' - Some One Who Has Impacted You [8]

thank you so much everyone.

Shalma Begum, i am working on how realizing that changes will always effect us. But smiling and crying at the same time was because we met to talk about our friendship and were smiling about the past but crying because we had not talked for so long.

Undergraduate / "personal diversions of singing and film" - USC short answer - academic interest [3]

This is very well written. The only sentence I am not fond of it "That is what I like the most about science" It doesn't flow with the rest of your sentences.

I would suggest something like: That is why I find science intriguing.

Undergraduate / Challenge of facing "Mother's Surgery" -USC [2]

At the same time, I had thoughts about how independent my lifestyle will become. Upon returning home from Orchestra practice on a Wednesday night, I was solemnly informed that my mother was diagnosed with liver cancer and will have to undergo surgery.

Emotionally devastated by this sudden event - I though she had known? I would reword.

such as leading my new club - tell the name of the club, but leave that it was you who started it.

I needed to open myself to my counselors and to people I know, instead of stressing myself by keeping my emotions about my mother inside my head. - no comma

Because my father had (keep verb tense the same) to care of my mother, I had to take on more responsibilities than what I was used to. I took the responsibility of cooking meals, caring for my sister, doing household chores and following up on utility bills. Previously dependent on my parents support, I only had to focus on volunteering and academic activities but now i was having an obstacle thrown at me I wasn't prepared for.

Undergraduate / "From the Philippines to Texas to New Mexico: I stayed in Taos" UNC-Chapel Hill Essay [9]

From the Philippines to Texas to New Mexico; I have covered quite some air and successfully at that. Yet, compared to my parents' travel repertoire, it's not very impressive. They would be moving again, about seventy miles away to Santa Fe.(Here I would say something about being young and dependent on others around you to provide morally what a parent does)

I stayed in Taos in order to finish junior year at Taos High. For two months, I stayed with my best friend's family. It would not be the first time I would be apart from my parents for a lengthly period of time. Until I was nearly fourteen, I lived in the Philippines with my cousins while they were overseas__tell us where thy were _. To me, my parents were just really good roommates-who also happened to pay for my lodging, food and incidentals.

For thirteen years, my parents sent money every year to the Philippines for my schooling and other necessities. I was very grateful for it, and still am, but I never really felt anything other than gratitude for them. My grandparents were the ones who disciplined me; my neighbors who drilled street smarts into me; my aunts and uncles who taught me the alphabet. My parents really had no impact on my character. However, during the two month separation after I have spent significant time with them, I realized how much their absence has contributed to who I am today. I learned to be independent but still recognize the importance of support.

Undergraduate / Gay Rights and Why I want to attend- Vesalius College [12]

While there are many issues that are important, there is one, in my eyes , that stands above the rest: gay rights in high school. - i agree this is an issue, but not everyone has the same views as we do.

That number doesn't even include the many others that have faced the same discrimination in the past centuries.

The issue of gay rights has been debated and argued about for years, most notably starting in the 1960's with the sexual liberation movement.

No one would dare use the N-word or say "that's so black", so why should people be allowed to associate being gay as insulting? - love this.

Who says what is normal and what isn't?

Undergraduate / "feeding the homeless" - Personally Significant contribution in community [3]

knowledgeably as well - reworded it.

it is a very good essay that i do feel meets the prompt. and your final statement is good.

Writing Feedback / SAT essay! Where do I see myself when I am 22. Need grammar help. [4]

When I am twenty-two I will be in graduate school, working toward my goal of becoming a chiropractor. The plan is to have a steady job and support myself. My apartment will consist of me living on my own for part of my life with at least two dogs, for they are a big part of my life.

try to vary your sentences with commas and dashes. If you have a short sentence proceed by a few longer ones.

Undergraduate / URichmond Supplement: Out of Comfort Zone and How Did it Change You? [2]

My schoolbag filled with new binders, pens, and notebooks shook as I nervously hurried to Homeroom 335. (Remove comma after schoolbag)

I expected the worst, but I got the best experience I could have asked for.

These kids weren't any different than me, no matter their race or where they previously went to school.

really good essay, i like the conclusion.

Undergraduate / Brown Supplement - What don't you know?? Music and other things.. [5]

I do think this answers the prompt, and it is very well written. The personal story is also great, colleges love that.

Undergraduate / Winter Games & Sport activities - extracurricular activities or work experiences [3]

Essay one,

For several days I was surrounded by people that don't have one of the main things in their life - health.

I wouldn't say they didn't have their health, because they have a disability doesn't mean they aren't healthy.

Also, they know community service is a good thing explain more about how it helped you grow instead.