Posts by Gautama

Gautama

Nov 26, 2008

Undergraduate / "International Relations" UC prompt 1. Europe gave me a hunger and passion for new knowledge [3]

Im currently at Pasadena City College hoping to transer to UC Davis, Riverside, or San Diego for International Relations. Tell me what you think and please be brutal. (especially about content and subject matter. I can always fix grammatical errors later.) Thanks guys.

PROMPT #1 - What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed. Describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities. What have you gained from your involvement?

As I shuffled through a group of students down an old and uneven cobble stone street I could hear the passer-bys speaking softly, much softer than my American companions, in languages that I did not understand. I was in the streets of Cesky Krumlov in the Czech Republic on tour with my high school choir group. These sounds and images sparked a profound feeling of the great history that this place must have seen. A history that was never taught to us in school but that still had the power to captivate. I gazed up at the tall buildings that leaned and loomed over us to the balcony of an old restaurant where a man sat surveying the view. I wondered what he was taught in school and what his own life had taught him about this part of the world. I knew that one day when this was all over I would have to return to this place. What I did not know was that when I did it would not be as a tourist, but as someone who could understand the whispers that I heard on the streets and what those people saw in the cities that they lived in. I would have dedicated my life to understanding this and many other cultures and what role they play in the modern world. I would have majored in International Relations.

Europe gave me a hunger and passion for knowledge of different worlds but it was my life's study of philosophy that gave me the direction in which to steer that passion. Since I was a little boy I was exposed to tribal drum sessions, Hindu art and culture, and Asian philosophy from my parents and the western schools of thought from classes in high school and college. I have taken German courses and loved the language and culture. One particular course I took in philosophy changed my life. One day our professor was lecturing on Plato's Republic, comparing the different tiers of society to those of a farmland. He explained that the sheep and the shepherd were the workforce and the authority that directed them respectively. The wolves were those who would come from beyond the farm's territory to destroy and exploit the sheep. The sheepdogs were those who used their knowledge of the wolves to defend the sheep and protect the fruits of the farm. It was then that I knew that I wanted to be a sheepdog. I wanted to learn the ways of the different cultures of the world and how they interact with one another to work towards conflict resolution without war. The conflicts of today's nations are fundamentally conflicts of different philosophies and my training with these philosophies would allow me to see both sides to any conflict and to apply that talent to resolve our conflicts with the wolves. This is the way of the modern warrior. Given that there are many different kinds of warriors in today's world (some wear uniforms and carry weapons and some go unnoticed while fighting with information and influence) they all share the mindset of the sheepdog. Lt. Col. Dave Grossman in his book entitled On Combat: The Psychology and Physiology of Deadly Conflict in War and in Peace wrote, "Here is how the sheep and the sheepdog think differently. The sheep pretend the wolf will never come, but the sheepdog lives for that day. After the attacks on September 11, 2001, most of the sheep, that is, most citizens in America said, "Thank God I wasn't on one of those planes." The sheepdogs, the warriors, said, "Dear God, I wish I could have been on one of those planes. Maybe I could have made a difference." When you are truly transformed into a warrior and have truly invested yourself into warriorhood, you want to be there. You want to be able to make a difference."

Gautama

Nov 27, 2008

Undergraduate / "International Relations" UC prompt 1. Europe gave me a hunger and passion for new knowledge [3]

Good morning and thank you for your critique! I just have one question. Can you be perhaps a little more specific about what is missing about what I gained from my trip? I have stated that it gave me a hunger for culture and a need to understand the history that I knew existed in that place. I said that my training in philosophy was what guided that passion for culture towards international relations. Isn't that enough? I can't see what else I could add. Thank you for your time.

Gautama

Nov 27, 2008

Undergraduate / "Lung Collapsed" Personal accomplishment UC #2 (THANKS GUYS) [2]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

In high school I was heavily involved in performing arts. I did it because I loved it and was willing to make sacrifices in order to stay involved. In fact I am a very introverted person who suffered greatly from stage fright. I figured that it would fade away after a couple weeks or maybe even months but it never did. Every time I got on stage even just during rehearsals in front of my friends I was always scared. Some kids were just naturals, had total confidence in themselves, and could perform with little or no fear. I wasn't made that way. Yes, I was confident about what I knew I could do but I still had to face that fear every single time in order to do what I loved.

During senior year I was cast in the role of the Chief in a stage production of Get Smart adapted by Mel Brooks. It was around the last 5 weeks of rehearsal when I faced the scariest time in my life thus far. I suffered a spontaneous pnemothorax which effectively means that my lung collapsed. I went to the emergency room and had a small procedure done to repair the area that burst and recovered at home. I went back to school and rehearsals and my surgeon said that there was almost no chance of it recurring. About a week later, it did. This time I was fully hospitalized and had surgery to remove a small part of my lung. With only 2 weeks left in rehearsal I practiced my lines in my hospital bed. When I recovered I had only a few days before the performance. My director said that he could find a replacement for me but I knew that the performance would be sloppy as he wouldn't know the blocking or be able to second guess the other actors. So while working to recover my grades from the classes I missed I performed in that production 4 days after recovering. I knew that if I could get through that, no matter what I did in the future, no fear could stop me from doing what I love.

Gautama

Feb 11, 2009

Undergraduate / 'I remember my past' - A personal statement- Accomplishment [4]

Sanjaygir, this sounds like a great story and the overall organization and progression seems to unfold and flow quite nicely. There are some individual grammatical errors and some sentences that may be error free but still sound a bit awkward when read outloud. For instance:

"The boarding school, I was admitted to, had students majority of whose parents were either not in the valley or abroad for some reasons. This fact made these students worry less about anything. Humiliating each other, playing pranks, causing troubles and ignoring disciplines seemed like a daily routine of these students."

I would change to:

"The boarding school I was admitted to had a majority of students whose parents were either not in the valley or abroad for some reason. This made these students uncaring for anything. Humiliating each other, playing pranks, causing trouble and ignoring discipline seemed to be a daily routine for these students."

In some ways this revision still sounds a bit awkward to me but it is still a bit better.
Also, watch you plurals. Pay close attention to when they are needed and when they are not. For instance:
"Situations began to improve after I entered this section."
----I would change to----
"The situation began to improve after I entered this section."
or
"My situation began to improve after I entered this section."
----Also----
"Computer was always a passion for me but I hadn't got any opportunities in my past days to hone my skills in using it."

----I would change to----
"Computers had always been a passion for me but I had not had any previous opportunities to hone my skills using them."

I'm sure there are many other things that the moderators can help you with but this should get you started. I believe your ideas are good and if you just clean up the way they are presented you will have a great piece of writing here. Good luck!

Gautama

Feb 11, 2009

Writing Feedback / Essay: A Crab in the Sand [5]

This is a very interesting essay. It is simple and yet it unfolds in a very curious way that drew me in. I think that perhaps others might think it is a bit anticlimactic as they might have expected something a bit more dramatic or "unexpected" to happen (like the tide comming in and going over your head while you were buried to the neck) but I like the simplicity of it.(it just depends what you think the reader will be expecting) There were a few minor grammatical errors such as the last sentence.

"I realized, that no matter what situation your in, you always can get through it if you endure.
----I would change to----
"I realized that no matter what situation you are in you always can get through it if you endure."

Also, you may want to try to connect it with a more specific theme of who you are as a person at the end rather than just the general theme of perseverance. (might be a little less clichéd?) Otherwise I very much enjoyed reading your essay, great job!

Gautama

Feb 11, 2009

Essays / Autobiographical Response of Yourself as a Writer [2]

Can you tell us what the exact assignment was? Is this an outline for an autobiographical work? I would suggest studying basic sentence structure and parts of speech to better understand how parts of a sentence can fit together correctly. An example would be:

"And my earliest memory of writing outside is writing a mysterious story with my best friend. We portent we are famous write. A first time we write a lot, but after one week, we feel bored and we give it up."

----I change this to----

"My earliest memory of writing is when I wrote a mystery story with my best friend. We pretended that we were famous writers. At first we wrote alot but after a week had passed we became bored and gave it up."

This is essay presents a very interesting look into your life and what you have had to go through to get where you are. Take the time to organize the points you have made into paragraphs and get help from your teacher on any grammer questions you have and it should be a good paper. Good luck!

Gautama

Feb 11, 2009

Graduate / reasons for pursuing an exchange experience [5]

Hello. These are all great reasons to pursue an exchange program but perhaps you should be more specific about how it will be benificial to what you want to do with your life. Are you pursuing a career in business? If so you could elaborate on how being in a foreign land would give you a different perspective on how different cultures affect trade and consumer mentality. Good luck!

Gautama

Feb 11, 2009

Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Hello fellow college bounders! This is my essay for the common application. Please try to assess it on all relevant levels. The prompt reads as follows: "Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve."

Let me know if it is to melodramatic, has problems with grammar or flow, or even if it sounds too militaristic because I am not trying to pursue a career in the military. Thanks alot. (Please be brutal!)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The career path I have chosen for my life will challenge the limits of my intelligence and responsibility. Such challenges will be tests of my knowledge and experience for which I will need to be prepared through extensive education. With the degree I will earn through transferring I will become more powerful and efficient in my ability to make quick and informed decisions on which the safety of our nation may depend. By continuing my education I hope to fight not necessarily our enemies, but rather to make myself a more effective agent of peace, diplomacy, and enlightenment in the United States' dealings with foreign powers.

My journey began as I shuffled through a group of students down an old and uneven cobble stone street. As I walked I could hear the passer-bys speaking softly, much softer than my American companions, in languages that I did not understand. I was in the streets of Cesky Krumlov in the Czech Republic on tour with my high school choir group. These sounds and images sparked a profound feeling of the great history that this place must have seen. A history that was never taught to us in school but that still had the power to captivate. I gazed up at the tall buildings that leaned and loomed over us to the balcony of an old restaurant where a man sat surveying the view. I wondered what he was taught in school and what his own life had taught him about this part of the world. I knew that one day when this was all over I would have to return to this place. What I did not know was that when I did it would not be as a tourist, but as someone who could understand the whispers that I heard on the streets and what those people saw in the cities that they lived in. I would have to dedicate my life to understanding this and many other cultures and the roles those cultures play in the modern world. I would have to major in International Relations.

While Europe gave me the hunger and passion for knowledge of different worlds, it was only my life's study of philosophy that gave me the direction in which to steer that passion. One day my philosophy professor was lecturing on Plato's Republic, comparing the different tiers of society to those of a farmland with ordinary citizens as the sheep, the government as the shepherd, and the wolves as the usurpers of the farm. The sheepdogs were those who used their knowledge of the wolves to defend the sheep and protect the fruits of the farm. It was then that I knew that I wanted to be a sheepdog. I wanted to learn the ways of the different cultures of the world and how they interact with one another to work towards conflict resolution without war. The conflicts of today's nations are fundamentally conflicts of different philosophies and my training with these philosophies would allow me to see both sides to any conflict and to apply that talent to resolve our conflicts with the wolves. This is the way of the modern warrior. Given that there are many different kinds of warriors in today's world (some wear uniforms and carry weapons and some go unnoticed while fighting with information and influence) they all share the mindset of the sheepdog. In his book entitled On Combat: The Psychology and Physiology of Deadly Conflict in War and in Peace, Lt. Col. Dave Grossman wrote, "After the attacks on September 11, 2001, most of the sheep, that is, most citizens in America said, "Thank God I wasn't on one of those planes." The sheepdogs, the warriors, said, "Dear God, I wish I could have been on one of those planes. Maybe I could have made a difference."

Mistakes that cost lives are made in ignorance and brashness. Every bit of education I gain lowers the risk of such mistakes being made. I hope that I never stop being educated because there are too many perspectives that the world has to offer for me to ever consider myself finished. However, there is only so far I can go in my current situation. By transferring I hope to open the door for newer and more powerful ideas to change and improve my own personal philosophy and my capacity to understand the nuances in culture of those nations the United States must deal with.

Gautama

Feb 12, 2009

Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Hello again and thank you for your help. Here is a revised version. I have a couple questions. (well I guess more like 3 paragraphs worth of questions.) Do you think I should leave out most of the first sentence in paragraph 2? I put that there as a transition between what I learned in europe and what I learned in my other life experiences. I know that that paragraph seems to start out sort of vague and then finally about 2/3 of the way down the reader discovers the point. Is that really such a bad format? If I started talking about sheep at the begining of the paragraph it would seem a little awkward to me.

Ha, ha. I also realized that the author and the book title take up like 2 lines. (Lt. Col. Dave Grossman in his book entitled On Combat: The Psychology and Physiology of Deadly Conflict in War and in Peace wrote.) For the sake of wordiness avoidance should I shorten this introduction? I just wanted people to know the exact context of the quote.

One last thing. This is part of the common application that I will be sending out to about 5 different schools. I am hesitant to put specific things about certain schools and the programs that I know they have because it would of course not apply to all of them. I could say, for example, that American University and George Washington University offer a great location in terms of internships and job opportunities for my field of study but that would not apply to Occidental College. All of these schools have good political science/IR programs but I feel like I can't be to specific as it would exclude or not make sense to other schools. Thank you guys.

Gautama

Feb 12, 2009

Undergraduate / 'The Lord spoke to me' - UW transfer personal statement [5]

Hi gooki,
There are a few things you could probably do away with to make room for more writing about why exactly you chose visual design.

Some of the first paragraph where you explain the roles of your individual family members can be shortened as it does not neccesarily pertain to how and why you chose to study your chosen field. Try to limit your personal history somewhat to events that are more focused towards what you want to achieve in school today.

I would suggest to go through your essay sentence by sentence with a fine tooth comb and make sure that every sentence addresses at least one of the elements that are required by the prompt.

Good luck!

Gautama

Feb 12, 2009

Undergraduate / Common app Short Answer (cyber competition) [17]

The ping pong subject seems more appropriate for what they might want to see for this section. Perhaps you could add a sentence or two describing exactly what you did with ping pong. Did you play casually, play on a school team, go to competitions, etc.

On more thing would be just a matter of personal taste. The part about giving the other player a "death warrant" might be a little over the top if this is something that shapes you into who you are. Maybe thats a little melodramatic on my part but its something to think about.

P.S. Starcraft is my favorite game of all time.

Gautama

Feb 15, 2009

Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Hello, once again. Common App essay version 3 follows. I changed some wording, shortened the quote, added some sentences to paragraph 3, and removed the bit about tribal drum sessions, German, and Hindu art. The bit I removed does have importance to me but I don't know where I can fit it in unless I make a new paragraph. Such a paragraph may seem like a list of miscellaneus things which might be to unfocused. Any suggestions?

----This is the bit I removed (which I could easily elaborate on.)----

Since I was a little boy I was exposed to tribal drum sessions, Hindu art and culture, and Asian philosophy from my parents and the western schools of thought from classes in high school and college. I have taken German courses and loved the language and culture. My family comes from German descent and the discovery of this part of my personal history has meant a great deal to me.

Gautama

Feb 17, 2009

Dissertations / Thesis (six thousand words in six days) - art college [20]

Hello Teddi. I myself have been down the lonely road into hell late at night with papers due the next day. One thing to keep in mind is that it will not only be one late night but many late nights ahead for you so in order to stay up later try to stay away from alot of caffeine as it will only make you crash the next day. Having lots of coffee or energy drinks can work fine if its just one all-nighter that you need to get through because its ok if you crash the next day. Things change, however, when you have to stay up really late for many days in a row. While staying up late you may find(especially if you are literally staying up all night 24hours) that you are hungry for another set of meals like lunch and dinner during the nighttime. Eat protein and vegetables as if it were the day time instead of midnight snacks or lots of coffee. Sometime the extra nutritious food makes up(somewhat) for the lost sleep. Your body can work overtime but it just needs the premium fuel to do so! :)

Making a rigid schedule is very helpful like Spurs said because it allows you to plan everything out once then not worry about the big picture anymore after that which can be very overwhelming. If everyday you just look at the next thing you must immediately get done then it will simply be a series of small tasks which arent so bad at all. I know that trying to soak up information from multiple books and writing 1500 words a day is a bit ridiculous but you can even break that up smaller too. Say, "while eating breakfast I will write 100 words. Then at lunch 100 more. Then between 10pm and 11pm i will write 200 words. And so on. Good luck, man!

Gautama

Feb 17, 2009

Undergraduate / 'My friend and Orlando Culinary Academy' - WHY DID YOU CHOOSE TO APPLY TO UCF [5]

Hello, sushisbaby. Could you give us the exact peramaters of what the prompt of the essay is. For instance what is the word count supposed to be?

Also, most of the things you mentioned about the school are very general. Such as a beautiful campus, caring teachers, small classes, etc. These are things that most schools try to advertise about themselves on their websites. Try to get more in depth with exactly what makes this school stand out to you. For instance what specific programs do they have that you would like to take advantage of? Instead of saying that the city is special because it is full of adventure tell us why it is special to you personally instead of just to anyone. For instance maybe this city would be ideal for your career choice as it is a prime location for potential internships.

"I found University of Central Florida and it interest me because it offers a major in Art and the school is placed in Orlando which means that I wouldn't have to go to a university by myself."

If you write this it seems like the only reason you want to go to this college is because your friend is going there and it has your major.

What the reader wants to see is that you have a reason to go to their university that goes deeper than its general advertised propaganda. Everyone knows about the value of small class sizes, nice weather, and teachers who care but try to go deeper than that. Good luck!

Gautama

Feb 17, 2009

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay, goals for myself in the future [9]

Hello, arbennett. This could potentially turn out to be very interesting if the prompt asks you to tell the reader about what has prepared you for obtaining your goals while your goal is to make an autobiographical piece about yourself! What I mean is that your essay could work on two different levels. One level would focus on what makes your life interesting enough to be worthy of an autobiographical piece and the other level would focus on what in your life has prepared you to make such a piece.

In your essay it might be a good idea to try and balance out what experiences you feel have made you more capable and prepared for film school and what experiences you feel would make an autobiographical piece about you interesting. It will be a great juggling act to pull it off as these experiences will probably overlap but if you can find that balance you could have a great essay. I'm very interested to see how this will turn out. Good luck!

Gautama

Feb 17, 2009

Essays / Reality TV essay - ideas to begin writing [35]

I love how this thread keeps going probably long after the paper was turned in, lol.

Gautama

Feb 19, 2009

Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Ok, here we go again. I added an intro paragraph and changed the first sentence of the second paragraph. I'll have to check out those 2 books and yes my name is in reference to Siddhartha Gautama.

Gautama

Feb 19, 2009

Undergraduate / 'years as a police officer' - SOP Essay for UT - Austin [5]

Can you tell us the exact prompt and word count they are looking for?

This sentence: "Some of the FBI's career paths that have been available to those with a bachelors degree in psychology include the Crimes Against Children program, which is what I am interested in." should probably go in the last paragraph where you talk about the university specifically.

Every paragraph should have an intro sentence that states the main topics of the paragraph. You should try to make a paragraph solely about what you like about the University of Texas and include the programs you are interested in as well as the research you have done on it. The other paragraphs should be organized in a logical progression about what has led you to go into the major you have chosen.

Its hard to judge much further if I don't know what the prompt was exactly so get that to us please! You do have some great life experience to make a convincing argument for joining the FBI here so just polish it up and try to really seperate out the ideas you want to convey so that each paragraph deals with one topic only. Good luck!

Gautama

Feb 19, 2009

Dissertations / Thesis (six thousand words in six days) - art college [20]

What do other students title their thesis? It's hard to find a balance because if it is something down to earth like your topic you may want to just state it plainly and be real but that may be to casual for some readers.

Gautama

Feb 19, 2009

Essays / Reality TV essay - ideas to begin writing [35]

Yeah I was a little shocked at the amount of responses to this thread but then I looked at them and I saw that alot of them were kind of... repetetive or unhelpful. Like some people would just post one brief sentence that says something really generic but is not very helpful at all. Im not trying to insult anyone but it kind of bothers me because it seems like they are just posting in order to fill the quota that is required instead of actually trying to be helpful. There were alot of great responses in this thread and good conversation but then there seemed to also be people just trying to take advantage of the thread's popularity. Of course what I'm saying now doesnt have to do with the thread topic either but I thought it would be something else to think about.

Gautama

Feb 19, 2009

Research Papers / Starting Research Paper (Kring's "Heroes") [19]

To be safe I would not start the introductory paragraph with a quote. It does depend, however, on what exactly your teacher wants. Has he/she been really stressing the "hook/thesis statement/ elaboration" format or has he/she been more relaxed about formating?

Also I would be careful about telling the readers to much about the specifics Heroes. Of course you will be talking about it but what I mean is that you should try to avoid falling into summary of plot or to much introduction for it. Only tell the readers exactly what they need to know about the show in order for it to be relevant to your paper's topic. (same goes for Darwin's work too!) The abilities will need to be elaborated on a bit, of course, but only in relation to how they could be realistically predictable in Darwin's theories.

For examples you might find a quote from On the Origin of Species then explain it a little and relate a particular ability from Heroes to what Darwin is saying. Just make sure that you stay on topic and try to make as many connections as possible between the two subjects you are dealing with(Heroes and On the Origin of Species) while staying focused of course. :)

Good luck!

Gautama

Feb 26, 2009

Research Papers / Starting Research Paper (Kring's "Heroes") [19]

Just remember that the prompt is about British Literature. This means that the focus of your paper should be about the peice of literature you chose.(Darwin's Book) The TV show Heroes was not in the prompt so just make sure that it is supplementing your paper and not taking it over. Just try not to make it seem like you are using Darwin's book as an excuse for writing about a TV show you like. I'm not saying that you would do that I'm just saying that whoever assigned the prompt wants you to talk about a British Literature so your paper must be focused on that. All other things, though they can be used as good support, must be secondary.

Gautama

Feb 26, 2009

Writing Feedback / When I am in uncertainty I feel my emotions at their strongest [5]

Hello. Did you come up with this topic or was this assigned to you?

I think this essay has some good stories and examples in it but it is not really unified around a central theme. You need to write a thesis statement and stick to the ideas that it presents.

As it stands your paragraphs dont seem to have distinct ideas in them. Think about what specific idea you are trying to convey with each paragraph then find examples from your life to back up and elaborate on that idea. You have good stories to tell here, but the reader just needs to see how all the stories come together and what central idea they support.

It might not be a good idea to start off the essay by jumping right into the story because we are left hanging without a context in which to read it. Get that thesis statement nailed down, get some topic sentences for your body paragraphs that elaborate on the central idea presented by the thesis, and use your stories in the body paragraphs to support each paragraph's main idea. Good luck!

Gautama

Feb 28, 2009

Undergraduate / 'Ensuring to learn all that I can' - Reason for Transferring Statement [5]

Is there a word limit for this? I'm not saying that you have to many words, I just like to define the terms.

This essay has a sort of generic feel to it. You talk about what most students do. (Helping family, desire to learn, developing skills, etc.) Give us something more specific. What is unique about your reasons for wanting an MBA? What about business specifically excites you? What influences outside your own family have helped you decide this path?

Also it would be a good idea to talk about the specific college you are trying to transfer to. What is it about this college that attracts you more than other colleges. Show them that you have done the research and are interested in specific programs that they offer.

Also you should separate this essay out into paragraphs with one main idea carefully organized in each of them.

Talking about your family will definitely be meaningful but as it stands it seems like the main reasons you want to pursue an MBA is for your brother's sake and because your parents told you to. Family is important but the college wants to hear about YOU and what excites YOU about business and why YOU have picked their university.

Gautama

Feb 28, 2009

Writing Feedback / Bank of America is a Great Employer - Argumentative Essay Need Suggestions [4]

Hello, Unshella. I am a little unsure about which sentence in the intro paragraph is your thesis. Perhaps it is the last sentence? It might be a good idea(depending on what you think your teacher expects) to have the thesis as the first or second sentence. Also in that thesis statement it is a good idea to try and fit all of the main ideas that your body paragraphs will discuss. This will really make it obvious what your thesis is and the teacher will know what to expect in the body paragraphs.

For your body paragraphs: I can tell that the first body paragraph is about what the company did to make your job easier. Try to be as specific as you can in your topic sentences. This might be more suitable: Bank of America has supplied me as an associate with everything I need to be successful at all the different levels of employment I was with them for.

If you want the second body paragraph to be about career path opportunites then I would consider moving the information about the Board of Toast Masters under the dreams and goals paragraph as it deal more with "long term success" than specific career paths. Also you should consider cutting out the last 4 sentences of the 2nd body paragaph. They don't really ad to any of the ideas you have presented thus far and are too general.

The 2nd and 3rd body paragraphs seem to meld together in their subject matter. Think about really nailing down what these 2 paragraphs are specifically talking about so that they are different and cannot be confused with each other. Ex. The 3rd to last sentence of the 3rd body paragraph should go in the 2nd body paragraph.

Really seperate those ideas out between your body paragraphs and work out a distinct thesis sentence and you will have it! Good luck!

Gautama

Mar 1, 2009

Undergraduate / SBU Essay - An Intellectual Experience [5]

Hello. I think you have a very interesting topic here. You have done well to analyse this play and how it has affected your life.

I think you can cut out some things. The first 3/4 of the 8th paragraph may strike the reader as a bit glib. Also, try to stay away from plot summary. Of course the reader will need some plot to understand the realizations that you went through but it should only be used when it is absolutely necessary.

Also some of the first paragraph is a little confusing. Example:

"after all, the play had, so far, provided much for thought, and there was no guarantee that the same aspects had stuck in each of our minds."

this does make sense but it might sound better as something like this

"after all, the play had already provided much to think about and there was no guarantee that the same ideas were provoked in each of our minds."

Overall this is a good analysis. One thing to think about though is that this is mostly an analysis of a play. This play has already been seen by many people and has probably been analyzed in this fashion before. The reader may be looking for something more original or unique to you specifically rather than an analysis of a popular play. There is no doubt, of course, that the viewing of this play was a memorable and intellectual experience specifically for you but its just that the ideas and analysis may have already been done before on a mainstream level just as a piece of classic work like Moby Dick has been analyzed over and over again by many different scholars. Maybe if you tried to tie in the themes of Equus with an experience in your life that was unique to you it might be a fresher approach to the prompt. (this may also allow you to avoid the age old problem of the plague of plot summary that is often present in papers about story analysis.) But as I say it seems to be a good analysis and it does apply to you personally so I'm a little torn on this one to be honest! At any rate I'll be interested to see where you decide to go. Good luck!

Gautama

Mar 2, 2009

Essays / Essay on two different shows and how they construct gender stereotypes [4]

Well start with the basics. First, pick 2 shows that interest you and that you feel do construct gender stereotypes.

Then think about how these shows further those stereotypes and what exactly you feel is important about that issue.

Then condense what you come up with down into one sentence. This is to be your thesis statement. The thesis statement should sum up what the whole essay will be about and should convey what conclusions you have come up with on the issue you are writing about.

Then write an outline for your essay. Elaborate on your thesis statement by thinking about all of the main ideas that are emcompassed within it. For the standard 5 paragraph essay you should try to come up with 3 different topics that function within your thesis to write about in your 3 body paragraphs. This is where you will want to write 3 mini thesis statements or topic sentences for your 3 body paragraphs. It is very important that these paragraphs stay on topic and stay within the main idea that your thesis statement sums up. Also the first paragraph should be your introduction and will include you thesis statement and all the main ideas of your body paragraphs.

For the 3 topic sentences find evidence to support their ideas. Find examples from the shows and analyze them. Elaborate on your topic sentences and you will have most of the text you need for the body paragraphs.

Post what you have after you have done that and we can go from there.

Gautama

Mar 2, 2009

Writing Feedback / eating disorders (Anorexia Nervosa), introductory paragraph [10]

The first sentence is appropriate and the last sentence is easily identifyable as your thesis statement. The 2nd and 3rd sentences, however, seem to be a little random and too detailed to be in the intro paragraph. Remember, this paragraph is supposed to only contain the big ideas about what your paper will talk about. So if you mention something in this paragraph the reader will expect you to go into even more detail about it in the body paragraphs. Including details here will make it seem like they have take precedence over other details that you will later mention in your paper. Maybe you could add a few sentences that tell us how you are going to explore the theories you are going to talk about and some of the main ideas that they deal with. Good luck!

-------------------------

Muahaha! Nevermind then!

Gautama

Mar 2, 2009

Scholarship / In my own words: Why is a scholarship important to you? [5]

Change this "...I was asking quesions about gravity, wondering why, if the earth was round, people didn't just "fall off the earth." Unless you are trying to make is sound like you are channeling the voice of you as a child. If that is so then try putting more of it in quotations like this:

...I was asking questions about gravity like, "If the earth is round, how come people don't just fall off the earth?"

Perhaps you can take some time to talk about this specific scholarship and what makes it more important to you than the average scholarship. Is this a part of a school program? If so talk about why that program attracted your attention and why you like the school it is put on by. You might also consider elaborating more on why you chose the field of work that you did and how the experiences you got from your life have continuously reinforced your desire to get an engineering degree. I know that you have a basic outline there of what I am saying but you could add more.

Also the third paragraph is a little general. The reader will probably already know what a scholarship does and why it is important(MONEY) so what they want to hear is why it is important to you specifically. Don't talk about scholarships in general. Talk about this particular scholarship and why it is unique to for you.

Gautama

Mar 2, 2009

Grammar, Usage / Another MLA question [11]

Would it be ok to do something like this: Instead of putting the name of the website for every citation could you just put numbers instead like this:

Roman soldiers used swords.(1) They also used shields and rode horses in battle.(2)

Then at the end of the paper you could have one citation that covers numbers one through whatever. Then you would have one citation for every different source instead of one citation for every piece of information for in each source.

Gautama

Mar 2, 2009

Grammar, Usage / Another MLA question [11]

That just makes more sense to me. It seems like as long as you give thorough credit for all the information you use that is clearly identifyable and complete it shouldn't matter what format you use. Though I know it is necessary, I think for me citation is one of the most annoying things about writing. Grrr...

Gautama

Mar 2, 2009

Writing Feedback / Castin Characters #1: Jim [8]

Some corrections:

History class, last period on a Friday

I spun in my seat to face him.

"What if you get caught?" I whispered nervously. "I won't. I'm sending it via Bluetooth." he replied. "What if you do?" I insisted.

I sat back anxiously

Not the slightestsign of worry on his face

Gautama

Mar 2, 2009

Grammar, Usage / Another MLA question [11]

Oh, nice Sean, thanks!

Gautama

Mar 3, 2009

Writing Feedback / Essay to Compare your Two Teachers [10]

What was the exact assignment from your teacher? Is he/she expecting you to have an intro paragraph, a conclusion paragraph, and body paragraphs?

You should probably start by brainstorming and turning those ideas into an outline. Go over the main ideas you want to talk about for your comparison, organize them into different ideas, and make topic sentences for them. Then you can formulate different paragraphs based on these main ideas.

If you only need one paragraph then just keep in mind that your conclusion sentence is basically a restatement of your thesis.

Gautama

Mar 3, 2009

Writing Feedback / Reading - My favorite subject essay [6]

You should put your thesis sentence more towards the begining of the first paragraph.

Also, what is the subject of the second paragraph? As it stands, you have alot of great reasons for liking reading class but they seem to be arbitrarily listed without organization. Try to organize all the reasons you like this class into distinct categories and then make topic sentences for each subject. Then write a paragraph for every topic sentence that you have.

This will organize your essay so that the paragraph divisions really mean something and so that there is an obvious difference between the main ideas of each paragraph.

You might start with a brief intro paragraph detailing the main ideas of you situation. Then write a paragraph about why other classes do not satisfy you. Then the next paragraph could be about what you love about the reading in reading class and how it satisfies you in a way that the other classes don't. Then the next paragraph could be about what you love about you teacher and so on. Good luck!

Gautama

Mar 3, 2009

Writing Feedback / Jame Joyce's Portrait [11]

You need a thesis statement in the intro paragraph to sum up the main point that this essay is trying to convey. Also you will find that within that main point you will have many subpoints. This is where you need to break up your paragraphs.

Yes all the paragraphs do relate to your main point but that does not mean that they do not have their own separate ideas. So you've got to break up the third paragraph into smaller paragraphs so that the reader can clearly see the different ideas that come together to form your main idea.

Also, teachers don't like it when you refer to yourself in a personal manner in essays like this. Don't say "I". For example, cut this out:

"The style he wrote it seems unique, while I would not say that I am a scholar of books, I will say I have knowledge on books."

And change this:
"The way that Joyce handled the dialogue surprises me. The only other book that I have read that is similar in the way he handles dialogue is "Blindness" (Saramago, 1995)."

To this:
"The way that Joyce handles the dialogue is surprising.Another book that handles character conversation in a similar way is "Blindness" (Saramago, 1995)."

Gautama

Mar 3, 2009

Research Papers / Looking for information on the modern culinary brigade system for paper. [6]

One thing I always like to do is to go to wikipedia for whatever the subject is and check out all the sources that are listed for that page. There are a few things on there for what you are looking for but your subject is very specific.

You also might try ProQuest which offers many articles on a myriad of different subjects. I use it alot for school because it is easy to find information for proper citation.

Gautama

Mar 3, 2009

Undergraduate / Technology for ESL Students [6]

One technique is to just brainstorm every possible idea that you have to support your thesis(no matter how specific they are) and write them all down. Then take all the ideas and put them into 3 or so categories and you will have the bulk of you body paragraphs.

In the intro paragraph explain the main ideas of the 3 "categories" you separated your ideas into and that will (as Sean said) give "you an introductory paragraph that will act as an outline for the rest of your paper."

Gautama

Mar 3, 2009

Writing Feedback / Write a short story in which the central character is a rebellious teenager [6]

My god, I loved this story. You turn a potentially ordinary bully situation into something hilarious and heartaching all in the same few pages. I wish I could tell you something about creative writing but I would only be kidding myself. Wonderful.

Gautama

Mar 4, 2009

Writing Feedback / Jame Joyce's Portrait [11]

I figured that if it was a book review it would have been submitted in the book review forum, but now I do see how it could be something like that. You are describing the book to us but not really proving anything about it or arguing any particular point.

It just depends on what the assignment is like Sean said. If it is a literary paper then you should make a thesis statement that can be proven throughout the rest of your paper.

But even if it was a book review it would be better to break up the paper into more paragraphs to discuss the different aspects of the paper individually.