Undergraduate / to give myself to the world - does this essay fit the prompt? [2]

I need some help with this one... I adapted a previously written essay to try to fit this prompt...
Does it work?
Any editing comments/ideas on how to make it better?
Any criticism/edits would be much appreciated!!!

Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

My essay:
You might not guess it from my colorful, smiling exterior, but I tend to be a rather irate individual. I'm usually not the "bring-attention-to-myself" kind of angry like my little sister, who jumps at any opportunity to have yelling matches with my parents or break her closet door at the hinges from slamming it too hard. Nor am I the "complain-about-life-and-read-pessimistic-books" kind of angry like my uncle, who reads any ultra-liberal book published, continually bashes Republicans, and yet refuses to vote. And I'm certainly not the "listen-to-music-about-broken-hearts-and-wallowing" type of angry like so many of the teenagers I go to school with. I'm more of the "I-recognize-that-isn't-fair-so-I'm-going-to-do-something-ab out-it" type of angry. I prefer to take my anger and channel it into productive thought and action. Where anger was once my vice, it is now a virtue. For a long time though, I couldn't pinpoint the source of my anger. My turning point came in seventh grade.

In September of 2004, a friend presented me with a one of a kind opportunity: an invitation to attend a seven-day "Global Connections Youth Conference" in Massachusetts, sponsored by Plan International. The conference brought together teens from all over the world to talk about global issues in their communities and to create a global network of youth. At thirteen, I already had a profound interest in world culture, and I eagerly immersed myself in this experience.

That week, I learned about the idea of global citizenship as I connected with dozens of people like my friend Ane in Norway. I began to feel like I actually belonged to a global community rather than just a New England one. I met kids who were directly influenced by poverty and poor education and oppression every single day. I saw the way they laughed, the way their eyes sparkled the first time they touched snow, the way they looked at the questionable hamburgers and Belgian waffles, the way we all communicated despite language barriers. I listened to their voices explaining why they were at the conference, what they felt was wrong in the world, and what they were doing about it. I saw them dance and sing and wholeheartedly share their rich cultures with everyone else. I saw common threads with my friends, my family, and myself. But one thing I didn't see was why we seemed to live in two different worlds. Was I really more "developed" than these youth around me who'd been through more than I'd even heard of, and yet still found beauty in the world around them? That's when I decided to do something about it. Do something about injustice and stigma against families and children. Not something to pull "poor people" out of their "sad, unfortunate state," but something to promote awareness and acceptance in the world. Armed with information and a global network of youth, I was ready to spread awareness to my peers, my community, and my world.

Where I once had anger I couldn't articulate or quell, I now have motivation and a cause: social justice. I challenge others' beliefs. I challenge my own. When I don't understand a word or concept, I look it up or ask a question. I no longer see myself as a powerless, sheltered American teen. I am a strong-willed seventeen year old woman with a passion for social justice and human rights, and I am determined to direct my anger into a force of positive change in the world. I'm not naïve. I know that I'm not going to "save the world" overnight or end inequality in a week. But I am willing and dedicated enough to give myself to the world if it means creating one more just.

Undergraduate / Designated Driver - (UC prompt 1 - my world) [5]

does the essay fit the prompt? I wasn't sure if this was too specific or not reflective enough or too short, etc. any comments/edits would be GREATLY appreciated!

Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Designated Driver

I was fifteen years old. I had just earned my driver's permit, and my dad was eager to teach me the ropes, well, the pedals. He suggested we drive by where he grew up, and I thought it would be fun. I drove through his picturesque suburban neighborhood as he pointed out where he lived, where he hung out with his friends, where he played pranks on the neighbors. As I turned down a narrower road and approached a small church on the left, my dad said:

"This is where my father killed a preacher while drunk driving." I didn't respond because I didn't know how to. I knew that my grandfather had left his family when my dad was young, but my dad rarely talked about his alcoholic father and broken childhood. We sat in an uncomfortable silence, and I continued down the road to his past.

Even though I've never met him, my grandfather has influenced my world in more ways than he could know. He is the primary reason why I have made a conscious decision to not drink alcohol or do drugs. Because of him, I find the motivation to stick to my promise even when all my friends are talking about how blasted they were the other night. As of late, I'm starting to see glaring evidence of peer pressure in my life, and in the lives of my friends, but I refuse to take part. I never want to find myself in a situation where I don't have complete control over my own mind, and that means staying alcohol and substance-free.

My reality is my world, and everything I see, hear, smell, taste, and touch is a lucid experience. The thought of waking up and not being able to remember my own life is terrifying to me. My world is tangible, colorful, and without regret. It is also littered with obstacles, for sometimes I find friendships faltering due to my choices. However, I aspire to remain true my convictions.

Undergraduate / 'Stubborn Taurus' - intellectually engaging: my organization revise [3]

So I've been going crazy over this prompt, and this is what I have so far... The lines by themselves are just lines that I thought of, but I don't really know where to work them in (or if I should work them in?) The prompt is this: Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

Please help critique! Does this fit the prompt? What can I change to make it better? THANKS!!!

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I'm a stubborn, bull-headed Taurus and I know it. That being said, I do possess the uncharacteristic ability to admit when I am wrong. Slightly wounded pride or a laugh on my behalf is a small price to pay for knowledge. This is, however, a fairly recent development. Not long ago, I could only admit my errors in a most begrudging manner. "What changed?" You might ask. The answer is not really a "what," but a "who." I'd been in a few classes with him freshman year, but when sophomore year rolled around he took college preparatory classes and I steered towards the honors track. Our paths crossed unexpectedly and - ah, how refreshingly cliche - have been intertwined ever since. For almost two years, my boyfriend - my best friend - has been challenging my opinions, goals, and mind. Ben makes me validate my opinions and prove that I deserve to hold them. He asks me "why" and forces me to dig for answers I had never bothered to come up with. When I say, "I know I want to major in engineering," he makes me prove it. Many times I've been brought to tears over the phone about some debate about an opinion of mine that I thought was set in stone. But as frustrated and enraged as his constant inquiries make me, I always emerge a stronger, more informed individual.

I don't only prove my points to him, I prove them to myself. I've never had to be so blatantly honest with myself about my own convictions.

Ben is one of the most intelligent people I know. He doesn't let me get away with skating by because of my "smart girl" image.

No one had really bothered to challenge my mind to the extent that he pushed it. I learned that I was too emotionally attached to my convictions, and learned to step away and have a more objective view towards problems.

Our relationship has been a constant test of my intellectual capability, and has engaged every ounce of my mind, body, and soul.

Undergraduate / 'Biotechnology and engineering homework' - what makes stanford a good place [6]

I wasn't sure if this was too general... Please help with any comments/edits!

Prompt: Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.

I added some more about academics thanks to yli09's suggestions... Is this better?

Stanford and I are so compatible that if the admission process was a dating show, we would end up with the happily-ever-after. We complete each other. When I began the infamous "college process," I sat down and made a list of traits that I wanted in a school: close to a city, an open-minded and diverse student body, balmy weather, an interdisciplinary approach to engineering, an Engineers Without Borders chapter, an extensive list of study abroad destinations, and a ballroom dancing club. I can honestly say that only one school matched every single one of my criteria: Stanford University. Stanford is the perfect place for my love of people, science, and social justice to come together and help solve global problems. The Engineering Department will provide me with the inspiration and tools needed to put my ideas into action. I'll be excited to jump into any new engineering-related research projects, especially with such distinguished faculty members as my mentors. I look forward to long nights of Biotechnology homework in Meyer Library, and study groups before the Intro to Engineering midterm. Because I've lived on the East Coast all my life, I will actually want to wake up early to enjoy the t-shirt weather in December. Maybe I'll even go for a run for once. On Saturday, I'll get together a group of friends to head over to San Francisco for the day. When we get back, we'll pick up some sushi before slipping into dresses and heels for this week's ballroom social. I want my college experience to be academically unparalleled, filled with opportunities on a global scale, and amidst a group of diverse, motivated students who are excited to learn from each other. I know that I will find this and much more at Stanford University.

Undergraduate / MIT Short Answers (ballroom dance; civil and environmental engineering) [3]

These are the prompts and my responses to the MIT short answer questions... Any grammatical help and/or content suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!

We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it.

Despite my lack of coordination and balance, I knew from the day I watched a competition at MIT that I was born to ballroom dance. Never in my life have I felt so beautiful and graceful as when I am dancing. Even though I'm till very much a beginner to this art, ballroom is something I want to work at and perfect. I dream of competing at the very same competition that first inspired me to dance. Dancing has awakened a side of myself I've never known, and instilled in me an unwavering confidence.

Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why?

I'm currently most interested in Course 1: Civil and Environmental Engineering. A background in civil engineering and environmental sciences will best suit my interests by combining my two loves: science and social justice. With courses like 1.020 and 1.070, I will be equipped with the knowledge and tools needed to get out in the field and help solve infrastructure-related or environmental problems in developing communities around the world. Classes in this department will help me understand the implications of human interaction with the environment, and discover how we can best reverse our negative effects.

Undergraduate / What would you want your roommate to know about you? - oxymoron [6]

I wasn't sure if this was too informal... I'm right at the character limit, but does anyone have some suggestions? Thanks!

Prompt: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your freshman roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your roommate -- and us -- know you better.

Dear Future Roomie,

I was talking to my mom about describe me in words, and she laughed and gave me one: oxymoron. At first I thought this was her oh-so-clever way of insulting me, but I soon realized that I am, in fact, an oxymoron. I'm a nerdy fashion plate, an organized mess, a predictable sporadic. And I love it.

My "nerdiness" is a trait for which I've become known among my classmates. I'm "that smart girl" who will willingly help you on calculus homework or Latin translations. Around the rest of the school, however, everyone knows me as "that girl with the crazy clothes and wicked high shoes." It's been my goal every year of high school to wear a different outfit everyday, and this year I'm keeping track of my progress via a photo album on facebook. I can't explain it, but I love school just as much as I love fashion.

One look at the usual state of my room might send many running for boxes to organize the mounds of shoes, magazines, books, papers, and assorted gadgets I've accumulated, but I know where to find everything I need in under three minutes. I may be the only one who understands my system of "organization," but as roommates, I will be sure to let you in on the whereabouts of anything you may need to borrow.

Finally, the one thing you can always be sure of with me is that you probably won't know what I'll do next. I'll be singing a twangy Brad Paisley song one minute, then breakin' it down to a T-Pain rap the next. I'll be dutifully studying in the library, and then decide that it's time to curl up with popcorn and a movie.

I'm really excited to meet you, and I look forward to some crazy adventures together!

Affectionately yours,
Marisa Haire

Undergraduate / Intellectually engaging- my experience with mock trial [3]

Any help would be GREATLY appreciated! I'm doing this VERYY last minute, and I've completely changed my essay topic. I'm much more confident in this essay, but I need some outside opinions on content & grammar. What do you think?

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Prompt: Tell us about an idea or experience that you find intellectually engaging

"Marisa, you do too much. You should think about dropping mock trial. You really don't need it anyways." After I gave my mother the look that said, "Are you out of your mind?" she never brought up that suggestion again. While I may not need mock trial as an addition to my transcript, I need the feelings of exhilaration and accomplishment I get at every meeting and every trial. Those "searching-for-the-answer, time's-running-out, stomach-in-your-throat" feelings are what make mock trial the most intellectually engaging and mentally trying activity in which I participate. Each October I hungrily anticipate the arrival of the book that will become my bible for the next few months: the mock trial case book. Armed with pencils, pens, and four brightly colored highlighters, I dig through the lines of each witness statement and piece of evidence, hunting for a case strategy and a way to use each testimony to my advantage. As an attorney for two consecutive years, I push my mind to its limit as I look at the case from every possible angle, anticipating what the other side will try to prove, and working to address every existing gap and inconsistency. The type of thinking I do for mock trial is unlike any that I experience in my classes. During meetings and the time I spend poring over the case on my own, I think critically from every point of view, working to immunize our witnesses against all possible attacks. During the trials, I think under intense pressure, knowing that the decisions I make could affect my entire team, and that one hole could break our case and stem our chance of winning. Mock trial is a puzzle. My teammates and I are the players, trying out every combination of ambiguous background pieces, and ultimately creating the resulting picture.