Writing Feedback / IELTS: young school leavers have a negative attitude towards learning [5]

Topic : Many young people who leave school hold a negative attitude towards learning. Why does this happen? What are the solutions?
could you guys plz review my essay, this is my first one in this forum :D

The increasing number of young students leaving schools has become one of the most significant issues that many people of today's society are very concerned for. Most of the school leavers think negatively about learning. In the following paragraphs, some particular reasons of the above trend as well as the appropriate measures would be given and analyzed specifically

first of all, we need to take the consideration that the general educational system in the world todays is too heavy. Students have been given so many assignments and projects to accomplish. Therefore, they seem to study too much. As a result, this status causes pressure and stress in students' life. Secondly, unnecessary subjects which have been compulsory in schools are unlikely to help the majority of students in their future careers. For example, while studying history, students have to memorise exactly events in the past whilst they hardly ever use this sort of knowledge for their purpose of earning money later on. Last but not least, compared to well-off nations, the educational system in poor ones is not paid by the government. Thus, a number of students who are from families suffering poverty possibly drop out of schools easily due to their economical difficulty

Fortunately, some solutions could be taken to prevent this matter. More specifically, the first one in this case is that students need motivation in learning. This can be solved by letting them know how happy they are when they have a chance to go to schools and showing them that the vast majority of children in certain poor countries throughout the world are lacking education due to poverty. In addition, the gorvenment should consider to increase the number of scholarships for good and poor students so as to not only motivate but also help them partly their economic difficulty

In conclusion, reasons listed out above can just mention some aspects of this matter. However, when the solutions have been given, hopefully they are able to change they way schools leavers think about learning and we would have a bright educational future ahead for our next generations ( 349 words )

could you guys check it to give me some better sentences that can replace mine, i wrote this essay within 35 minutes , is it too long with 349 words??? thanks

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Languages' extinction, discuss both views [3]

Several languages are in danger of extinction because they are spoken by very small numbers of people. Some people say that governments should spend public money on saving these languages, while others believe that would be a waste of money.

Discuss both these views and give your opinion?

It is true that the increasing number of languages which are at risk of extinction has become one of the most significant issues that many people of today's society are very concerned for. The question whether our government should make an effort to preserve them by investing more money on that minority languages or not is still a debatable one. I personally suppose that no matter how widely they are spoken, every language should be protected from being disappeared

There are several reasons why saving regional languages could be seen as a waste of money. Firstly, we need to consider that if the government expands the use scope of that languages, it can be really expensive because educational programmes will need to be given so as to keep young people learning and using them. For example, some certain areas in the Southern Vietnam have been trying to help their secondary school students who are originally from khmer people speak their language beside Vietnamese, so the local government has recently struggled with their costly investments on language teachers, facilities and appropriate materials. Secondly, it is obvious that in many aspects such as communication, trade, cooperation as well as transaction, it will be absolutely easier for the whole society to work together in one language only.

Despite of the above arguments, i still strongly believe that the government should try to preserve minority languages. This is because language can be seen as much more than just one method of communication. In addition, forming a language must be undergone thousands of years; thus, it deserves to be respected and preserved. Last but not least, language is one of the essential factors creating the differences and unique cutures in the world. Therefore, saving the use of that kinds of languages in this case generally is the most important element of the cultural diversity's preservation

In conclusion, although letting languages spoken by ethnic minorities be extinct seems to be very beneficial, it will definitely impact seriously on many other aspects especially in the loss of our cultural heritages ( 343 words )

my second essay requiring both views' discussion, check my mistakes in this one and give me any better sentences that can replace mine? thanks alot :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Salary is the most important consideration when choosing a job [3]

Topic : When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Along with the increasing physical demands of human life, salary has become the most influential consideration in defining careers of everyone. I personally suppose that there are still many other aspects which should be seen as important as income when people choose a job. In the following paragraphs, some of my viewpoints would be given and analyzed respectively.

On one hand, i agree that money is very essential in order to meet human' basic needs. More specifically, people tend to choose high salary jobs so as to not only help themselves but also support partially or wholly their family's living needs such as food , clothes, accommodation, education, medication. It is obvious that people who are woking in art or painting industries, for example, will find it quite difficult to live comfortably and enjoyably. This is because they are doing what they love, their income however seems to be quite low compared to many other career paths.

On the other hand, i believe that if we are passionate about what we are working, we are likely to achieve success easily in that field. There are plenty of people, who are now really successful, have started working in challenging as well as competitive fields as singers, dancers and painters. Besides, important factors in choosing a job such as level of happiness, sastification of jobs, personal relationships, professional skills, working enviroment, managers and collegues should not be underestimated. Finally, some people choose a career due to their desire to help others and contribute positively to their countries and societies.

In conclusion, it is undeniable that income is still a vital determination impacting us on choices of careers. Nonetheless, passion on jobs ,in my opinion, can bring actual happiness and help us get promoted in working to earn even more money later on . ( 300 words )

i think this is a tough topic, because i could not use many acedamic words and develop my ideas, i wrote this within 45 minutes and i had to read a sample before my writing my own. can you guys rate it ( if possible ) and give me better sentences that can replace mine, thank alot :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Police force carries guns - significant impact for level of violence [6]

Topic : Some people believe that if a police force carries guns, this encourages higher level of violence in that society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

The increasing number of street criminals leading to carrying guns in police force has become one of the most significant issues that many people of today's society are very concerned for. Few individuals assume that this trend reflects and enhances the high level of violence in society. I totally agree with this viewpoint for some specific reasons which would be given and analyzed in the following paragraphs.

First of all, we need to consider that police armed with guns or any other kinds of legal weapons just attempts to protect not only civilians but also himself. As a result, criminals todays are very sophisticated so they spend a large amount of money to acquire modern weapons to cope with the police and serve their own nefarious needs. Thus, citizens in that society can be shot by both police and offenders accidentally. Moreover, while on duty, not only are private citizens affected but facilities such as cars, houses, streets are likely to be destroyed by guns. Therefore, a society that its police force carries guns will be definitely seen as a highly violent one.

Secondly, police force carries guns only in high crime societies . Hence, people and police in those ones usually deal with dangerous diverse crime's categories such as theft, robbery, murder, rape, vandalism, arson. Obviously, Those are possibly the strongest evidences to determine a society suffering a high level of violence.

In conclusion, from the above views, although being armed with guns in the police force is necessary , it will bring the higher level of violence. Additionally, the government should to impose strict laws in carrying weapons as well as give professional training to them in order to avoid any influence on civilians' lives. (288)

i dislike writing topics abt crime 'cause it takes so long to list out the appropriate ideas, i write this within 45 minutes, can you guys review it and give me any better sentences to replace mine, welcome all comments

any alternatives for " high level of violence " i used it so many times in this essay .

Writing Feedback / IELTS : negative effects of technological process ( agree or disagree ) [3]

Topic : Human have made a great technological process in the last hundred years. However, this progress has negative effects on people's lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is undeniable that technological process has brought numerous benefits making human life become more and more comfortable and easy. Some individuals assume that this technological development also causes many drawbacks impacting seriously on our lives. I personally disagree with this view. In the following paragraphs, both sides of the above matter as well as my own view's explanations would be analyzed and given, respectively.

Firstly, it is undoubtedly that thanks to modern technology invented recently, human life has been improved dramatically . Air-conditioners, computers, cellphones, washing machines , for example, is likely to be seen as greatest inventions helping people to reduce stress and time for other activities. Moreover, applying technological science into the preparation of medications also plays a significant role in saving the number of patients' lives.

However, some negative aspects of technological process need to be mentioned clearly. In spite of bring fantastic advantages, technological products have devastated the natural environment indirectly through its production process. This is because exploiting and collecting raw materials as well as essential fuels to serve the production of technological products have destroyed nature seriously. Last but not least, technology may decrease a great deal of creativity in certain groups of people especially children and the youth due to the dependence upon available achievements.

In conclusion, i totally believe that technology has a great contribution to our lives and civilization. We can not neglect profound impact of great technological process on human life; Nonetheless, its adverse effects need controlling more reasonably. (251 words )

can you guys review and ( if possibly ) rate it as well as give me better sentences which can replace mine, thanks alot :D