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Posts by ebby2010
Joined: Aug 5, 2009
Last Post: May 2, 2011
Threads: 10
Posts: 51  
From: United States of America

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ebby2010   
Oct 18, 2009
Undergraduate / I am a devout Muslim, but it was not always that way... University of Chicago Extended Essay [7]

this is one of the required essays for the university of chicago.

the prompt is: How did you get caught? (Or not caught, as the case may be.)

Islam is not just a part of my life; it is my life. What I eat, how I dress, my behavior, and all other aspects of my life revolve around the teachings of Islam. I am proud to say that I am a devout Muslim, but I was not always that way.

When I was in seventh grade, it was that time when my parents were starting to expect more of me now that I was growing up and maturing. Ramadan--the month in which Muslims fast from dawn to sunset--was just around the corner. This would be the first year that I would attempt to fast all thirty days consecutively.

Still young, I had not yet realized the true meaning of fasting; I was just doing it because my parents told me to. So when my Spanish class was planning a field trip to an art museum followed by lunch at Cici's Pizza, my only concern was how I would eat at the field trip without my parents catching me. After assuring my parents I could handle being at Cici's while fasting, I deliberately disobeyed them. I was nervous about violating their trust, but once we arrived at Cici's, the enticing aroma of cheese pizza settled any feeling of anxiety I originally had. I stuffed myself until I could not eat another bite.

When I realized how simple it was to cheat on my fasting behind my parents' backs, I was not hesitant to do it again. This time, my school was hosting an ice cream party for all students awarded with A Honor Roll. When we were called out of class for the party, I followed the other students to the cafeteria, sat with a group of friends, and shamelessly enjoyed the vanilla ice cream.

The following day, as I was walking towards the auditorium for the morning assembly, I was stopped in my tracks by what I saw on the bulletin board: pictures of the A Honor Roll Ice Cream Party, one of which was of me holding a cone of vanilla ice cream. I was terrified that my brother, who was in eighth grade at the time, would see the picture as he walked in and snitch on me. I wanted to rip the evidence off the wall and destroy it, but what if someone saw me?

Out of options and unsure of what to do, I went inside the auditorium and sat down, shifting nervously in my seat. Seconds later, my fear came true; I turned to find my brother staring straight at my picture with a stunned look on his face. He spotted me and angrily headed my direction. "You ate!" he exclaimed, pointing to the picture on the bulletin board. "No, I was just..." The only story I could contrive was that I was pretending to eat the ice cream so I would not be told to leave the party. Of course, my brother did not fall for my pathetic excuse, and he stormed off and snatched the picture off the wall. Now he had proof to show my mother.

When we arrived home from school, my brother quickly informed my mother of his allegations against me, and I had to confront a very unhappy and disappointed woman. "Did you eat in Ramadan?" she questioned me. I was speechless. She repeated the question with more assertion. Deciding that concealing the truth would just worsen the situation, I quietly confessed. My mother also asked me whether I had actually fasted the day of the field trip or pulled the same trick. I decided to admit my mistake, thinking it could not get any worse. After a ten minute lecture, I was grounded for the rest of Ramadan, which was about two weeks. Afraid to get caught and be punished again, I attentively fasted the remaining days of Ramadan.

Getting grounded and being lectured at trained me not to lie to my parents, but it never taught me the reason behind fasting. As I grew older and wiser, I would come to learn that fasting is one of the five pillars of Islam, and it is our duty as Muslims to obey and follow these commandments. Ramadan is also a month of self-purification and spiritual attainment for Muslims. Now that I understand this, I fast only for the sake of God, not my parents. When I reminisce on this somewhat embarrassing experience, I realize two things. I had really lousy lying skills, and over the past few years, I have evolved both intellectually and spiritually.
ebby2010   
Oct 18, 2009
Undergraduate / MIT Short Answer #3 - Time you used your Creativity [6]

the only suggestion i have is the use of your transitions in these sentences:

When I become more daring , the tempo increases and new harmonies lead me towards the unknown.

I continue to improvise , pouring all my energy into the piano, losing track of time.

those transitions kind of lesson the nice flow the essay has. maybe scratch them completely or reword them to make it fit more.

other than that, this is a really great essay! very captivating. i can tell you're really passionate about music and that's what colleges love to see--passion.
ebby2010   
Oct 19, 2009
Undergraduate / I am a devout Muslim, but it was not always that way... University of Chicago Extended Essay [7]

sv6554:
yes you're right. is should be 'Ramadan', not 'fasting'.
thank you!

as far as the intro, it's not really a personal thing. I just wanted to convey that this story doesn't express the person I am today.

thank you for the input! =)

Notoman:
I wasn't too fond of that sentence either. I'll try to come up with a different way to say it.

Now that two people have commented on the ellipsis in the intro, I will definitely delete it lol.

thank you for the help! =)

miffy2002:
I don't know how i missed that grammar error! =P

Thank you very much! =)
ebby2010   
Oct 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App significant experience:moving to America [4]

Essay Topic: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

I've matured and grown in so many transformational ways since I first set foot on American soil on February of 2000. I was an eight year old girl thrown into an unfamiliar setting, forced to learn and adapt into a distinct culture very quickly. Mastering a new language, advancing to American teaching standards, and learning new concepts were a few of the challenges I faced as an immigrant from Ethiopia. I didn't realize it then, but this "vacation" was going to be an adventure that would change not only my life as I knew it, but also my life to come.

As soon as I started school, it became apparent to me that I needed more academic support than my peers, and I had to work harder to accomplish the same things that they did. Although I excelled in my mathematics classes, Social Studies, Reading, and, of course, English became my weak points. I was quickly admitted into an ESL class with the rest of the non-English speaking students, almost all of whom were Hispanic. The language barrier between my Spanish-speaking ESL teacher and me made it challenging to learn English. When the teacher would explain a concept to the class in Spanish, I would often miss out on important lessons. However, I was a quick learner, and more importantly, dedicated to be on the same academic level as my peers and motivated to learn the English language. So with persistence and hard work, I overcame the endeavor, and I was out of ESL classes within a year. Because I was still not an expert on the English language, school continued to be challenging for a few more years, but I knew that if I set goals and pursued them, I could accomplish anything.

One of the most memorable experiences of my childhood was in Mrs. Koch's third grade math class at Walnut Hill Elementary. Mrs. Koch had asked me to hand her the purse across the classroom. Still an amateur at the English language, I hadn't yet been introduced to the word "purse". Afraid to ask, I nonchalantly walked towards where Mrs. Koch had pointed to and grabbed the closest thing to what I thought a "purse" was. "This?" I innocently asked. "No, dear, my purse," Mrs. Koch replied. Feeling defeated and unsure of what to do, I nervously paced around the classroom in hopes of finding whatever this "purse" was. Mrs. Koch soon realized I was having trouble and guided me to the counter where the purse was placed.

The reason as to why I still remember that seemingly insignificant event in my childhood is unclear to me. However, years later, I reminisce on that experience and, I'm reminded about the lengths I've come, the obstacles I've conquered, and as a result, the achievements I've gained. I realized that no matter how unreachable my goals may seem and how far my destination may be, perseverance and determination will always get me there. Now that I had the secret to reaching my goals, I had to figure out what I would do with the most important resource America has given me, education.

Before I knew it, I graduated from sixth grade and was on my way to middle school. I was accepted to one of the top magnet schools in Dallas, H.W. Longfellow Career Academy. During the two years I spent at Longfellow, I found my passion in life to be healthcare. I was drawn to this field because the idea of saving lives greatly appealed to me. Being able to work in a profession that allows me to interact with others, make valuable health discoveries, and help people feel better is a dream of mine. But that is not enough for me. My main goal is to earn a college degree, become a successful physician, and move back to Ethiopia to build hospitals all around the many poverty-stricken areas. My parents initially moved us here so we can have the opportunity to become educated and successful human beings, but what kind of human would I be if I didn't give back to the community that raised me?

Many people in Ethiopia, including my own family, are exposed to diseases that could be fatal if not correctly treated. In America, treating a small sickness such as the flu is as easy as going to the grocery store and choosing from a variety of medicines. In Ethiopia, however, resources are limited and very expensive for most, so people die as a result of not having simple remedies we, in America, take for granted. It is my ambition to eradicate this problem by offering low cost healthcare services as well medicines to the poor communities in Ethiopia.

Moving to America has taught me that I should be thankful for being able to get up in the morning from a comfortable bed and wake up to a variety of foods practically being served to me. Some people in Ethiopia don't even have the luxury of accessing a clean toilet, something that I take for granted everyday. The countless sacrifices my parents have made to bring me to where I am today and the hurdles I've had to overcome as a young immigrant from Ethiopia will all be worth it, because I will use the resources America has given me to make a difference.

Any suggestions?
thanks in advance! =)
ebby2010   
Oct 19, 2009
Undergraduate / quantum mechanics - Why does Brown interest me? [14]

the essay is well written, but it doesn't really answer the prompt. The purpose of these kind of prompts is basically to tell the college what you know about it and why it is a good fit for you. you should expand on the distinct qualities of Brown, like class sizes, academics, or student life, and why those qualities make Brown especially appealing to you.

I have to write a similar short answer essay for UChicago as well.

I hope this helps! =)
ebby2010   
Oct 19, 2009
Undergraduate / "Speak Up" - college essay. NEEDS REVISIONS [6]

This essay is really well written but the only suggestion i have is that you should be careful about repetitiveness:

"This unforgettable experience taught me a valuable lesson: to stand up for what I believe in."

"if I had not stood up for my faith."

"If I had conformed to my classmates,"

"Standing up for my religious views allowed me to see beyond the conformities of life"

"I realized how important my religion was in my life"

"there was nothing more important than standing up for that."

when people read your essay, even if the essay has a really great message behind it, it can get kind of boring if you repeat words or phrases too much.

but other than that, I really enjoyed your essay. great job! =)

P.S. i don't think conformities is a word.
ebby2010   
Oct 19, 2009
Undergraduate / MIT Aspirations Essay? [2]

"ven early on it had always seemed predetermined that the duration of my life would be spent in mathematics. I was always placed ahead in math, completing the highest level of mathematics that my school offered, AP Calculus, in my freshman year. I was then able to further my education at Wesleyan University. From sophomore year on, I began taking a course a semester at the college, starting with Multivariable Calculus. It seemed only natural that I continued taking courses in mathematics."

you should shorten that first part b/c it doesn't really get to "the good part" until after that. and you should expand on the ending:

"Each of these new endeavors brought me new perspective and helped shape my aspirations." <-- write more about how these endeavors brought you new perspective and so on.

i don't think you should scratch the whole idea though. i think it's a good essay. just needs some adjustment.

hope this helps =)
ebby2010   
Oct 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App. - extracurricular activity - football - I love this game [9]

"Although it has not been as easy for me at the quarterback position. I had to work hard with my teammates and put in extra time to develop the skills needed for this position; I have helped my team have success on the field."

all the punctuations in that sentence is confusing so maybe this sounds better:

Being (Serving?) at the quarterback position has not been easy for me; I had to work hard with my teammates and put in extra time to develop the skills needed for this position. However, my effort payed off, because I helped my team have success on the field.

You made some really good revisions. I think you have a really strong answer now =)
ebby2010   
Oct 21, 2009
Undergraduate / First generation college student and hopeful doctor; SMU supplement-additional info. [4]

This is a response to the additional information part of the SMU supplement on the CommonApp. maximum 500 characters.

I will be a first generation college student and hopefully the first doctor in my family. My parents do not have the means to provide for my higher education; my commitment to pursue this education has been and will continue to be my only channel to success. This success is not only meaningful to me but also a gratification to my parents, who have made endless sacrifices to get me to where I am today. I am passionate about education, and nothing will keep me from pursuing my aspirations.

any suggestions? grammar errors?
ebby2010   
Oct 22, 2009
Undergraduate / First generation college student and hopeful doctor; SMU supplement-additional info. [4]

Liebe:

this the promt:

"The Admission Committee takes a holistic approach when reviewing each applicant to SMU. A prospective student may wish to provide the Committee with information that he or she was unable to convey in the Common Application. Is there additional information that you would like the Admission Committee to consider when reviewing your application?"

well, I just wanted to use this opportunity to convey how important education is to me i guess. but i do see what you mean. do you think it would be a good idea to elaborate on extracurriculars?

and also, this isn't an essay. its just a short answer type question. the character limit is 500 so i can't write any more than a few sentences.
ebby2010   
Oct 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Playpuses and Scotch Tape --CalTech Prompt [3]

I like to learn about theoretical physics.

Plainly stated, my interest in theoretical physics is harbored in and around a bunch of plausible theories, computer generated video footage, and dramatic music all put together to form a physics documentary.

^ the language could be stated a little better.

All the while, I face the documentary, questioning the theories it has stated-some of which, when said, sounded like a monkey, a whale, and a platypus were taped together with scotch tape was just deemed one of nature's most elegant products of evolution. <-- this sentence doesn't make sense to me. try checking the subject and verb. i think it kind of got lost...or maybe it's just me.

I really like this essay! it's interesting and fits the prompt very well. I enjoyed reading it.
ebby2010   
Oct 22, 2009
Undergraduate / USA, the land where hopes begin ; Commonapp- Personal Statement-Topic of my choice [5]

"She had a placard hanged in front of her and it said:"traveling alone"."
A placard that read "traveling alone" hung in front of her.

I thought I was initially forced to be strong and independent,

Thanks to the life in boarding school, I was definitely confident about that I could handle it.

I booked flights to Hong Kong to take the SAT.

"I volunteered in various groups. I found internship in one of Beijing's biggest museum."
I volunteered in various groups; the internship in one of Beijing's biggest museums , for example.

"I went to concert and gallery." <-- huh??

However, I hadwas immersed into solitude for some time.

When in Hong Kong, I stood in the crowd, coming and going in an endless flow, whenand I turned on the volume of my iPod to the highest volume , listening to my favorite piece of music: The Violin Concerto in D Major by Tchaikovsky; I felt lonely.

I appreciated there was athe place I did not need to talk to anyone, just being with myself; being the real me.

because I know that they care about me

well, i found those grammar mistakes, but other than that, i really enjoyed this! the topic is really good and i didn't get bored. so great job! i hope this helps. =)
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / 'non-English-speaking Ethiopian emigrant' - UChicago supplement--why chicago? [12]

this is a very very ROUGH rough draft of the UChicago supplement. I'm not too satisfied with it and I think it could be a LOT better. so, please be harsh!! =)

Question 1. How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to Chicago.(1-2 paragraphs)

I have transformed from a non-English-speaking Ethiopian emigrant in 2000 to now, nearly a graduate of one of the top high schools in the United States with high honors. I have overcome many challenges and accomplished great tasks along the way, such as mastering the English language. However, my accomplishments do not stop here. The adversities I have beaten and going through the High School of Health Professions have borne in me a great determination to accomplish my goal of becoming a physician. I will continue to push myself to excel in my education and live up to my high expectations. For this reason, I strive to be in an environment with students as motivated and even more motivated than I am and professors who are passionate about what they teach; that is where the University of Chicago comes in.

The University of Chicago is without a doubt one of the most renowned and highly rated institutions for research and academic work and very unique in its teaching techniques. As a student who seeks to broaden her horizons in a variety of subjects[/3], I believe the University's Common Core would allow me to gain from a wide range of academics. My attitude towards education, similar to the University's, is that students benefit the most when they learn the tools of inquiry rather than learning facts. In addition, through the Socratic method of teaching, the University of Chicago promotes the exchange of ideas in a communal and creative atmosphere. This method, unlike instruction through lectures, relates to the style in which I learn best. My wish is to become a successful Physician and move back to my home country, and Chicago will grant me the opportunity to enhance my ability in science in order to facilitate my dream. With the abundance of study abroad programs and dozens of research centers, such as the Argonne National Laboratory, I am certain that the University of Chicago has the tools to assist me in pursuing my goal. I hope to contribute to the Chicago community as well as benefit from the many attributes it has to offer.
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Duke supplement----Why Duke engineering?----Seeking feedback [6]

whats the actual prompt??

i think you conveyed your interest in engineering really well, but like 'longyue' said, you need to focus more on why you chose duke. also, just read over your essay and ask yourself, "have i said everything i wanted to say in the shortest way possible?"

other than that, you're on the right track. great essay!
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / SMU supplement short answer--why SMU? small class and student-to-faculty ratio [3]

This is my reply to the short answer question on the SMU supplement of the Common App. Please be harsh and suggest anything that would make my answer stronger. thanks in advance! =)

Topic: SMU appeals to students for a variety of reasons, including the strength of academic opportunities, small class sizes, sense of community, location and attractive campus. Please comment on how or why you feel these characteristics or others make SMU a good collegiate fit for you. (limit: 500 characters) --- my reply is 13 characters short of the limit.

SMU appeals to me like no other college does. From the aesthetic campus to the dedicated faculty, SMU offers everything I could ever dream of in a college experience. I learn best in communal and interactive environments, so SMU's small class sizes and student-to-faculty ratio of 12:1, will allow me to excel in my classes. The 32 Study Abroad Programs offered at SMU also satisfies my love for traveling and extensive study. I hope to gain from and contribute to life at SMU very soon.
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "The next destination in my journey" - University of Central Florida Addmisions [3]

first of all, read over your essay to correct any grammar mistakes; there are a few.

second, independently read each sentence and ask yourself if it makes sense.

third, what is the prompt?? are you answering 2 prompts or what? your ideas are all over the place. first you talk about your aspirations, then you talk about how you will contribute to UCF, then you go into why UCF is a good fit for you, then the latter of your essay talks about your traveling experiences, and ties back to your aspirations. THERE'S A LOT GOING ON!

focus one one or two main topics and your essay will be a lot stronger.

i hope this helps.
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App- extracurricular activity (150 words) [5]

To make tutoring sessions more relaxing and fun, I inquired my buddies about their day at school and then absorbed their summaries of a new intriguing book, sympathized with complaints about the tyrant teacher, or advised on how to approach Dad about a lost calculator.

^ it sounds like you're trying to impress your reader with 'complicated' language to make you seem 'smarter'. use simpler language; your essay will sound more natural.

also, you should focus on one or specific events rather than stating broad things. i like how you talked about helping a student who was having a problem at home. that should be the main focus of your essay. or write about something else with more specificity.

i'm actually in the process of writing the extracurricular short answer on the common app too.

i hope this helps =)
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Extracurricular activity elaboration--"Project Green" [5]

This is my short answer for the common app that asks to elaborate on an extracurricular activity.
I am 7 words over the limit as of now...

i'm sure there are at least some revisions to be made. any suggestions are greatly appreciated! =D

Out of all the extracurricular activities I am involved in, Project Green is by far my favorite. I was introduced to Project Green during my junior year of high school when a friend suggested I join. I was reluctant at first, because I had never really been the "environmentalist" type. After I joined, however, my view completely changed. While cleaning up parks with my fellow Project Green members one Saturday morning, I was astounded at how vastly a small group of people could make a difference; I was motivated to do more. The following year, I was elected Vice President of Project Green and was more involved than ever. I initiated the making of a community garden outside of our high school and raised awareness around the Dallas community. Project Green has helped me understand that with commitment and time, a simple effort can turn out to be a huge accomplishment.

any suggestion on how i could shorten the essay to meet the word limit (150) while simultaneously making the answer stronger?
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Ideas for How did you get caught? [11]

i like the first idea you had--about running off in preschool. although, it is a good idea to relate it to yourself now, and i think it might be kinda hard to relate anything that happened that long ago. so maybe you should write about something that happened more recently.

i wrote about the same prompt for UChicago. you can check it out if that helps.

are you applying early action?
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Extracurricular activity elaboration--"Project Green" [5]

thats a good idea, but it doesnt really work with those sentences because i'm trying to say that the experience i had while cleaning parks motivated me to do more and become VP. i dont know how i could reverse that and it still make sense... i'll work on that.

so as far as the rest of the essay goes, do you think everything flows nicely?

thanks for the suggestion! =)
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Ideas for How did you get caught? [11]

yeah it is easier to write about something that actually happened. but if you dont have any other option, you could always make up a story. or use someone else's story! just make sure it sounds natural.
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / 'stash of brainpower and creativity' - U of I essay- extracurricular activity [4]

the first paragraph is really confusing until you get to the last sentence...then you're like ooooh, now it makes sense. so my suggestion is that you put the last sentence towards the beginning.

in the second paragraph, you use the word "buddies" one too many times. so you might want to choose another word.

other than that, i really liked this essay! its really personal and natural and describes the kind of person you are. I really can't find anything wrong with it. =)

great job!
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Teaching in High-needs, low income communities. [3]

I believe that being a teacher is a political and moral act that can either permit or even widen the achievement gap to remain stagnant , or it can act as an effort for closing the gap and solveing social injustice.

that's really all i found wrong in your essay!
it's really well-written, to say the least.
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "the banana peel" - Common App: Significant Experience [5]

this is a really well-written essay. however, i think you should expand more on a few things:

1. more details of the camp. where was it located? why did you initially decide to attend the camp?

2. what did the quote (4th paragraph) mean to you?

3. the banana: you said: "never before had I been so happy to see food in my life." wasn't the banana there the whole time? why did it suddenly become so special now?

^ you should be more clear in what you're trying to say so as not to confuse the reader.

other than that, great essay! =)
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown Supplement - What is the best piece of advice you've been given and why [4]

it's a good start. i think you should work on your vocabulary though.
i know how hard it is to start on an essay. its actually the hardest part for me. but you're doing good so far. my advice is that you just keep going and write whatever comes to your mind. then, once you're done, go back and reread it and fix anything that needs fixing. but make sure that you don't go off topic and always ask yourself "am i answering the prompt?" and make sure you include what you got out of the experience and how you grew from it--colleges like to see that.

i hope this helps =)
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / death is only way to happiness? U of M essay 500 words [8]

"The first day of junior year my American literature teacher handed us the sheet witha list of all the books that we would be reading that year."

"At first I was a bit apprehensive about the book(reading assignment?) ; I mean in all honesty the books that I read in school are not exactly an exciting pass time."

^ "apprehensive" might not be the right word to use here.

"They are written years ago in times that are completely different tofrom ours and yet the teacher still expects me to relate to the characters and their peculiar life styles."

^ you go from saying "ours" to "me" chose one or the other.

"After finishing the book I came to realize that I had two options. I could follow Ethan's example as he did what people expected him to do by marrying Zeena and staying on the farm; or I could be assertive and challenge myself at a great institution such the University of Michigan Ann Arbor?. "

"The answer if one could not realize by reading this essay, is to challenge myself and pop out of the traditional Middle Eastern bubble also known as my househome ."

"If there is one thing that reading Ethan Frome taught me is to not conform to other people's expectations , but rather take my own lead on life and do what it is that I believe will make me happy."

"My intelligence and love for learning can take me too many different successful<--(not the right word) places as Ethan's could have, and although I value the opinions of my familymy family's opinions, I do not want to be like Ethan wondering 'what if" ,and everyday searching for a way out of a life I did not choose."

"I learned from Ethan that if I want to be happy,in my future then I should start making the decisions firforit myself and not let others influence itthem ."

I enjoyed your essay! good luck with admissions! =)
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app- Elaborate on Lockheed Internship Experience [3]

i'm kinda confused on the first sentence... maybe it's just me but it doesn't seem to make sense.

other than that, this is pretty well written. however, i think you should expand more on what you did at the internship and cut off some parts in the beginning about the description

hope this helps =)
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / 'The Revolution and Conflict class' - Intellectually Engaging Experience Short Answer [3]

my only suggestion is that you be careful about repetitiveness:

"...a story about the Vietnamese War from the perspective of a Vietnamese woman . This book was profound for me because it showed the war from the perspective of a Viet Cong woman in which the Americans were the enemy instead of the other way around. I had never before read a book from the perspective of the "enemy" ..."

other than that, this is a great essay!
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / common app influential person - best friend Ryan [2]

"Ryan is the type of person that will discuss at length the style of Mahler, the type of musician that will continuously strive for perfection;, and the type of best friend that will always take time to talk with me when I need him most."

"Not only do I find enjoyment in the music, but I have a deeper understanding of the music I play in band and orchestra." <-- i don't think this sentence is necessary; it doesn't fit in well with the rest of the essay.

"...Ryan accepts me and loves me exactly as I am" <-- that's not necessary either.

you should read over your essay to correct a few tiny grammar mistakes b/c from what I hear, those really matter!!

other than that,i think this is a pretty good essay and you definitely focused enough on how you changed.

E.Z. =)
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / About experience, country, education - How should I write this essay? [4]

"plus the college has a dry policy."

what do you mean by dry policy??

i think writing about your father is a pretty good idea. just make it sound personal and natural. i don't think it'll sound desperate at all.

and as far as what you plan to do upon graduation, just write about your aspirations. why are you going to college and what are you going to do with the education you acquire? basically, what do you want to do with your life?

and, you can say you don't want to go back to your home country...just have a good reason for it.

hope this helps!

E.Z. =)
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Poetry / The chair..... [6]

i'm having a hard time understanding this poem. what does the chair represent?

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