Scholarship / I'm going to apply KGSP 2017. Here is my personal statement. [3]

Hi MsPark,

I would only comment on your content as follows:

1) I think there is linking problem between different paragraphs that broke your essay into 4 separate parts. The first paragraph is about your general background, the 2nd one is about the extracurricular activities that you have done, the 3rd one is about your interest in science, and the last one is about the benefit of KGSP to you. I believe that rearranging them in order (by timing from your early age until now for e.g., your choice) would make it better.

2) My father worked as a factory worker while my mother is a housewife and my elder brother is ...
-> You have mentioned also your mom and brother in the first paragraph, but later on you did not explain anything about them. If you do not mean to discuss further on those two, i suggest to only mention your father - a factory worker & a breadwinner of the family of 4, who inspired you the most to pursue your current career path.

3) I was educated to become a highly motivated, enthusiastic and hardworking individual
-> You have used quite a lot of passive voices in your statement, some of them should be switch into active one in order to represent your confidence and sharp, I believe.

4) You keep listing information that (i guess) would already be included in your curriculum vitae. For e.g. i believe it is more important to discuss more of the process that change the old you rather than listing the medals or your school name.

5) I think it is better to avoid vague words like "various", "some" because it makes me feel like you do not deeply understand the topic that you are discussing. If you want to mention anything, i suggest to name it directly.

I hope this helps.
Ann

Scholarship / 'I had to travel 24 kilometers daily from my home town to my school'; LEADERSHIP and INFLUENCE ESSAY [5]

Hi LAR,

I suggest that you should reduce unnecessary sentences. E.g.

Having grown-up in a rural setting in the remote town of Larkana in the interior of Sindh, I had to travel 24 ...

-> "travelling 24 km to school" does not linked to your next sentences which is "selected to attend college". As a reader, I understood that because you travel that long distance everyday, then you get the admission to your current college - which i believe could not be what you mean in this statement. If you want to include this catching sentence, i think you should rewrite the respond.

"Without wasting any time",

... nevertheless I took the challenge with courage and responsibility -> "courage and responsibility" could be indirectly explain through the process of dealing with the task's difficulties, it is not necessary to directly mention that you have such qualities.

Members of the team who excelled at studies -> Team members

etc.

HTHs
Ann

Scholarship / Yonsei Korean Language Institute program will help me understand the entertainment industry better [4]

Hi Mel,

It seems that your 3rd and 4th paragraph both explain the reason why you would like to attend the chosen university. The former paragraph explained the first reason, and the latter one describe the second reason. Maybe thats why you find those two not connected.

If both paragraphs aim to explain the same topic, i think it would not be a problem to merge them into one.

Good luck with the application.

Scholarship / Leadership is a responsibility to guide others and help them, honesty and integrity is the key [3]

Hi Marwa

I think you have a good point on leading a group of physicians. Why dont you elaborate it a bit by giving a more detailed explaination/example of what you have done, or the difficulties that you solved among the team?

Beside, i dont think discussing with your "customer" with confidence and conviction would be a leader's trait.

Good luck on your application.

Scholarship / Leadership is having a clear cut vision and the ability to stir people into achieving the set goals [5]

Hi John,

I would say that you have made quite many good points in the essay (clear example, good linking between 2 paragraphs, etc.)

I would add a few slips that i was able to find in it:

1) the admission commitee would look at the essay to identify you as a person, how you different from others, or whether or not you are suitable for the scholarship values. You have brought up quite detail examples on your leadership experience in paragraph 2, which is good. Unfortunately, those examples are about "we", not "i". I see your team did a lot of things, but what is more important is what you did, not them.

2) Different from paragraph 2, the 3rd one did not show any detailed example but listing. I think keeping the content as detail as para 2 would be better

3) you are a potential leader, be confident! You may want to use different verbs or modal verbs to express yourself rather than putting "believe" or "perhap", etc on essay

I hope this helps :-)

Scholarship / Applying for my first scholarship to Chevening [10]

Hi Fatma,

May i ask if you are applying for MsC or PhD categorize? The information provided regarding the categorize chosen is a bit vague though. If you are applying under PhD categorize, it is important to show your academic writing as it is crucial for PhD candidate. Unless you did have unbeatable background, you would need to polish your essay more.

As you may know that Chevening scholarship is very competitive, and other candidates are also well-prepare for their resume, Lor, and Sop. So it is important to make your profile really stand-out to get chosen.

With short answers (around 50 words), i am afraid that it would not be able to describe yourself in person so that the scholarship commitee could not imagine how good or suitable you are. Examples:

1) For question 2, you listed your achievement/experience which is not different from what suppose to be in your resume, so why losing precious word limit to mention the same points that appeard somewhere else. Please remember that when looking at one application, the scholarship committee will look at all your provider document, not just the essay. You may want to take a look on how other candidate prepare for this scholarship to have an idea of your own.

2) Your answers are too general.

"Showing gratitude" toward UK government after receiving the scholarship is the thing that everyone else do, what make you difference from them?

After returning, you aim at contributing for your job/country, but everyone else do the same so what exactly you are going to do that is more realistic and contribute more to the development of your country in detail?

Wish you all the best with your application.

Scholarship / Study Plan to improve foreign languages (Korean, English, etc) for KGSP, help me following my dreams [2]

Hi wawawhale,

There are a lot of grammar mistakes in your essay, but you should work on the essay content before moving to them. It's like creating a backbone for your work - and decoration could come later.

I won't be able to help you with rewriting the essay as it would be your work to make the essay all about you, but i could give you questions to the tackle the current weakness of it.

1) QUESTION A:

From then Until now my English become my number one language that I have known for ages.
Do you mean that you won't need to practice English if you are selected because you have known it well already? If you mean to do so, you might need to prove either you are a native speaker, or you do have flawless English. And, by flawless English, it mean your SOP should show a good command of English (grammar, essay development idea, etc.). I suggest not to skip this English study plan if it is a part of a English taught program.

Also, be very careful of random capital letter. It happens quite regularly in your essay.

My passion of Korea was inspired by my friends who loves Korean the most
The question did not ask why you are in love with Korea, but they ask about your study plan if undertaking a course there.

In my point of view I think that improving language we can improve languages with everything
Using "i think" make your statement a bit weak. You could use "i believe" instead.

My main idea of study plan Before I come to Korea
verb choice: be careful because it sounds like you are certain of getting the scholarship and go to Korea very soon.

SUGGESTION
In term of study plan, you should have a time frame for your action - and make it as measurable as possible. For example:
Get TOPIK 1 after the first semester studying in Uni XXXX + explanation on how to get the degree (study which class, communicate with which kind of people to improve speaking ability, read what kind of book to improve reading skill, etc.)

2) QUESTION B:

The main questions are:
- What are your chosen institutions?
- Why did you choose them?
- Your study plan?
- Your plan after completion of the course?

You did not answer directly the questions so it make your essay a bit hard-to-follow. I suggest you divide this question into 4 paragraphs, each of them answer one of the above questions respectively.

Also, it seems that you want to become a tourist guide (not guide tourist :) ) but you have chosen Hotel Management to study. Did you read the degree's guideline carefully because as far as i know, they are two different fields. If you want to be a tour guide, you should study Tourism Management, but not Hotel Management/ Hospitality.

ecause of the reputation of Sogang U, Han yang U and Kyung Hee U
Next, do not use abbreviation randomly. I suppose that "U" mean "University"

Moreover, I could help my family admin our business
Why your family needs your help? What are they doing now, what is their trouble? Does the trouble related to money or to tourism industry that you want to be part of?

Just it for now. There are more to go but i believe you should start with above things first. If there is anything else i could help, feel free to let me know.

Scholarship / Hi everyone, I'm applying for Chevening Scholarship this year. I have drafted my essay. [5]

Hi Sajjad,

I think that you have a very strong background in finance, and you might even be an expert in that field already. So what is the reason for you to decide to study Master of Finance? What does the courses offer that would fulfill your gap of knowledge in the field that you have worked for 7 years? If there would be no knowledge gap that you utterly believe that you are in urgent need it in order to move up in career ladder, then why do you need to study higher. You have chosen the mentioned university for a reason that " it prepares the candidate for a range of careers in the financial sector", while you have already had a career as a Finance professional. So what else are you aiming at? The further studying should be a stepping stone for your career or profession.

Once again, you do have a very good background when applying for this scholarship, but i think that your purpose of studying should be more clear, and you should do more research on what your chosen courses offer. Also, when mentioning that you want to go to study abroad, I believe that you should put in your essay how England is the one and only destination that you are deeply into for some reasons of your own. Reading through your first paragraph, it feels like you have many choices and UK is one of them (They are the "most suitable", but there are plenty of "some" more suitable places out there).

HTHs

Scholarship / If I cannot do giant jumps, I can make a small step forward every day. CHEVENING [4]

Hi Kareem,

That system that you invented could be an indirect example of yourself as a leader with influencing ability, which are also the two values that Chevening is looking for from one candidate. So give it more space in your essay, write an inspiring story about it.

You may start with:

- Why and how did you come up with the system? What part of your work did you want to improve by applying the system?
- Did you meet any disagreement/ rejection when applying the system, how did you do to make people change their mind and support your idea?
- Any other difficulties you have met?
- How did you solve all the problems yourself?
- How the success of the system describe you as a change leader and an influencer?

Think of those questions and get the answer for them, then I believe you would have enough material to write an inspiring story about what you did as a leader/influencer.

HTHs

Graduate / I'm Writing a letter of motivation for graduate school at the IHEID in Geneva [4]

Hi El,

I think that your essay is old-fashioned though interesting. I only have some comments as follows:

- The 2nd paragraph's context is how your life purpose was shaped. So I believe that this sentence "The relevance of that story to my letter [...] countries reach economic development and stability. " should be moved up to that paragraph as it is the conclusion to your life purpose topic.

- Also, in the same sentence the first two questions are about peace&war, wealth&poverty are somehow related to the story you told, but the last question does not. You might want to have a linking idea here to ease the reader from wondering why war and undeveloped country are connected.

- Your grade wasn't high but if it could be explained in a letter of recommendation from one of your lecture who understand you well. He or she could mentioned that your grade at university did not explain how your actual ability is, for a reason. If there is no such person that close to you, an explanation for a low GPA in the motivation letter is a should. However, I suggest to use more nimble words to address not only this matter.

- You should not use abbreviation in motivation letter. Use "I am" instead of "I'm"

- You have used quite a lot of "I" (I want, I need, I wish, I can, I will, I am, and many more) at the start of continuous sentences. You might want to give your sentences more variety.

HTHs

Graduate / I'm Writing a letter of motivation for graduate school at the IHEID in Geneva [4]

Hi icho,

When saying old-fashioned, i mean the essay used similar format as other templates on the internet (the childhood story, etc.). But it wont be a problem at all as long as you do have a story of your own to distinguish you from other candidates, and you did :-) so dont be too stress about writing something completely new. You could continue with this one. After several more editings, you might see that it would become a totally different version.

Scholarship / Applying for my first scholarship to Chevening [10]

Hi Fatma,
I'm very glad to help you with essay challange. It takes some times to edit and rewrite sentences, but it happens to everyone :-)

I would just comment on question 1 for now as im on the phone which is a bit inconvenience to go back and forth copying sentences.

When choosing the courses/degree, its like you are giving yourself some options. You may like to attend your first choice university but there might be a small chance that you couldnt get their offer letter, then you could move to your 2nd or 3rd choice uni. Thats the reason why people often choose 3 universities that offer similar courses/degree. What interesting is that you have chosen 3 totally different courses (health, computer science, software engineering). Among those, which is the career you want to pursue? Think about that matter before moving on with other parts :-). Also when being asked what course you decided to attend, you should provide the uni & course name (E.g University of Sunderland/ Bachelor of Business Management), as well as your understanding about the course (what it offers, what is the career path after completing it, etc)

I hope this helps

Scholarship / Motivating, encouraging, developing people's abilities, respecting differences (vocabulary, grammar) [3]

Hi Mattew,

Please find some of my comments below:

- I believe the most authentic way to do this is lead by example
The essay is all about you. If you have applied "Lead by example" in your leading experience, then i think you could confidently say it :)

- I was invited to assume a strategic project
I think using "assume responsibility for something" will make it more clear. I did not see people using "assume a project" unless for "suppose" meaning.

- As a result, we had going on activities, meted the deadlines, and delivered company's expected results receiving leadership recognition
Do you mean "met the deadline"?
Do you mean all of the project team received leadership recognition?

- The project goal was test a new product at the market
tested

- In the first paragraph, you have mentioned that you assume responsibility for a strategic project and mention its result before moving to paragraph 2 which is to explain the details in that project. Later on, you also repeated project's success result in paragraph 3. I suggest to rearrange the content following a time frame so it's more logical. Also, the part of explaining the project you lead in detail should be separated into a new paragraph, it should not be merged with paragraph 1.

I hope this helps

Scholarship / As a child i received my initial education away from home residing in a boys boarding school. [5]

Hi Haroon,

May I ask if this essay is for Chevening Scholarship as you have mentioned quite a lot about your leadership experience. Different scholarship will have different requirement on candidates and questions for them to answer, so please shed us a light.

Writing Feedback / What happened that people replace their work by use computer? [2]

Hi Trang

I suppose that this essay is not for scholarship purpose but for IELTS one. Please kindly check my comments below:

... technologically advanced, computers are replaced more and more jobs.
are replacing

Because having many benefits, people use it as work tools.
incorrect grammar, please use: because + S + V / because of + N
People use them as work tools / people use it as work tool (if you choose to use plural noun in previous sentence, use plural noun for this sentence)

I don't deny computer's benefits,
Computers are arguably beneficial devices for human.
"Don't" is informal, please do not use it in essay writing.

According to my opinion, originally computers were invented in order to serve for ...
In my opinion/ From my view
Computers were originally invented to make tasks easier for human.
"Can't" is informal, do not use it in essay writing

Their aren't replaced for all things.
"Aren't" is informal, do not use in essay writing
Also, I suppose that you are about to discuss on the pros of computer, so try not to mix up the cons here. You might want to discuss all the pros first in one paragraph, and discuss all the cons in another paragraph. It would make your writing more clear.

In the present, the technological development too quickly ...
Avoid "something" in essay writing
The rapid development of technology has changed user behavior. People tend to automate not only difficult tasks, but also easy ones recently.

"They'd like to work that spend little effort and time but the highest effect."
They prefer to work with less effort and time spent, but with higher productivity.

So they don't know that many opportunities are brushed.
You are mixing up the pros and cons again

For example, the communication skills with ...
By using computers most of the time, human interactions would be affected. (This is cons, again, mixed up with pros part)

Moreover, the results which they looking for or ...
This sentence has no relation to the previous sentence. In the previous sentence, you are mentioning about the limitation in human interaction by using computer. So, the readers may expect to hear more of why and how it affect the human interaction,

People don't need more and more brainstorm, ...
Pros & cons mixed up

Using computer raising abilities disease about eyesight.
"Ability" is a "positive" word: leadership ability, fast learning ability, computer usage ability
Excessive computer use would make the threat to human's eyesight.

I take a for example, the children are future of a country, when they see [...] experiences be set up from practice in go out society.

please try to avoid translation from your language to English (in your mind) when practice writing.

I hope this helps

Scholarship / 'my past academic achievements and awards' Motivation letter for Msc in Finance Scholarship [7]

Hi Quang,

May i ask if the scholarship requires you to write a motivation letter in general or did it ask you a question on past academic achievement and award?

Also, if it is possible to shed us a light on scholarship expectation on awardees (merit based, contribution toward home country, etc), our comment on your essay could be more accurate.

Thanks

Scholarship / As a child i received my initial education away from home residing in a boys boarding school. [5]

Hi Haroon,

As you already mentioned that you have been in leading position for several cases. Even you have mentioned those experiences, they are all kind of "still on the surface". Do you want to dig deeper into what you did, how you did to influence your team/ lead them toward the same objective.

Scholarship / Applying for my first scholarship to Chevening [10]

Hi Fatma

They will question, so prepare for it :-). I dont think having fun and willing to learn are convincing reasons. You could try to think from the selection panel's view that if you have a bunch of money, who will you invest in: someone that have a vague direction with the purpose of gaining more knowledge on every fields, or someone with clear career path and could benefit not only their home but host country as well. What do you think?

Regarding the answer for q2, i think paragraph 4 is a good one (though you might want to check grammar & rewrite it to make it sounds more academical &logical ), why dont you also explain on how you remain the network with people/ professor on your field, as details as the way you explain in paragraph 4. You will have limited word count, so feel free to delete parts/sentences which are too general.

Scholarship / 'my past academic achievements and awards' Motivation letter for Msc in Finance Scholarship [7]

Hi Quang,

I got it. Generally, a motivation letter would have a structure as follows:

- Introduction
- A brief review of yourself (in many aspects)
- Why do you want to study in this school/country?
- Why do you need/deserve this fund?
- What is your long term goal?
- Conclusion (a bit of thank you sentences to the selection panel)

Comparing to your essay, it seems that you only have a brief review of you career/education. The motivation to study in your selected university is still vague. I suggest that you should follow the above structure and draft another version.

I hope this helps.

Writing Feedback / Topic: According to an international travel magazine, many tourists today fly straight to their holi [6]

Hi Linh,

All the sentences in your essay are incorrect in term of grammar and typo. My suggestion is:

Write simple sentences (just S+ V) first, make sure all of them are correct. After having a firm ground on simple sentences' grammar, you could practice complicated ones.

E.g. When you want to say a beach that is beautiful, it is "beautiful beach" (adj + N).

Feel free to let me know if i could help you with anything else.

Writing Feedback / Topic: According to an international travel magazine, many tourists today fly straight to their holi [6]

Hi Linh,

Let's start small as i suggested in previous post. You could start with short writings (around 10 sentences). I promise that you would gradually improve your English. Keep up the good work :-)

Getting back to your respond, let's change it into:

Thank you very much. I am not good at English. I am not good at writing. Can you please help me to correct my sentences?

I don't really get what you mean by "program into sentences" but i guess you mean "correct your sentences". Please feel free to correct me if i was wrong.

Scholarship / If I cannot do giant jumps, I can make a small step forward every day. CHEVENING [4]

Hi kareem

Please check my comment belows:

- the quotation in the first sentence includes 2 parts. Those two are not logically linked together.
- please check your grammar
- "i'm, didn't" are informal, please avoid them
- for the first 2 examples in paragraph 2&3, your responsibility with the team is still unclear. Its like you just mention what your role is and stop there. What the reader expects to see is something with more details.

- you may want variences in your sentences because most of them start with "i" or "so".
- on the last paragraph, it seems that you were going backward with no invention at work to make process better. You just used what already work but take no forward step.

Just it for now Hareem, im using mobile phone so its hard to go back and forth copying sentences. Thats why i wont be able to go into more details.

HTHs