Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

@Holt
Hi. I really appreciate your response. I was thinking about doing failure/sucess prompt. What do you think? And yes I agree I still need to work on my essay. I am going to review it with a good writer and enhance the phrases.

Do you think this essay could get into a good college? Do you think that idea is good? Could you tell me the parts I need to improve on?

Do you think the message that I am giving to the reader is good?

Could you please give me more feedback on this essay as soon as posssible. I know you are busy but it would really help me beacuse I have an application due in a week.

Like I said earlier, I am not worried about grammar at this point.

The essay may sound simple, and I am trying to improve it to make better. I am applying to top 20-30 schools so do you think the essay would work for those schools?

Thank You in advance

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

@Holt
Hi. Holt I have to thank you for all your comments because I was able to revise my second draft(which turned out really good) by using what you said about my essay. They were a very helpful, especially in writing my second draft. :)

So, I sent my essay to an essay writing service. They listed a couple of points on where i should improve my essay.

I was wondering, when you have a chance, could you please see if the comments from the essay writing service are good or accurate? Because before I received these comments, I thought my essay was in pretty good shape. I think maybe the essay still has room for improvement but I am not sure.

According to these comments, what do you think I should do to improve my essay?

For each of the comments from the writing service I briefly included what I thought about each comment.
1) For theshow dont tell part I think I might try to show the reader more about how I learned through this lesson and include a couple of instances of my life where this experience affected me.

2) For the learning from the experienceI thought that my lesson was pretty clear, but the writing service says that I can focus more on this. My lesson was "Every day may not be good, but there is something good in everyday. I believe that there is always a positive aspect to believe in even when in a position that is less than ideal." What do you think about this comment?

3) For the focus on you how can i focus more on myself? Could you give me suggestions about this?
4) I think they are right about thestrong message. I might try to convey my message more powerfully. What do you think?
5) For themessage driven content, do you think I should take out parts of my essay? I read it a lot of times and I thought that there was not anything extra in the essay. Is my message not so clear? Do you feel that I should change my essay according to these comments?

These are the comments from the essay writing service:
As requested, I am focusing my comments and suggestions around the idea, content, and flow of your essay. First off, the story you have presented is very strong in both its uniqueness and personal importance to you. There is clearly a strong message about the satisfaction you gain from making people happy that you deliver through the essay. That being said, there are several things I would want to see change in order to improve the flow and direction of the essay as a whole:

1) Show, don't tell - show how you've changed, instead of announcing it explicitly. For example, don't say things like "I could accept failing to earn money because embracing the conversations, smiles, and efforts from that day made up for it.". Instead, SHOW the reader how you learned this lesson through changes in your behavior or thought processes compared to before, through saying things like "Though before I would have done X, I now found myself doing Y".

2) Learning from the experience - you can definitely spend more words detailing how exactly you learned from the experience. The majority of your essay describes the story itself (which I'll address below), in addition to some reflection on what exactly your thoughts on the experience as a whole were. However, I don't really know exactly how or what you learned, which is what the prompt asks for

3) Focus on you. This is an essay about you, and even though your story is important, you should focus on yourself more! While the story about your experience at the flea market is powerful, much of it takes words away that could be used to focus on yourself and your eventual growth. This is ultimately what admissions officers want to read about more than any experience or anecdote.

4) Strong Message. You should lay out a message at the beginning of your essay about both the aspects of your personality that changed through a lesson, as well as the anecdote you'll show it with. Then, from there, present your story, only including portions that are relevant to your message and showing your message through your story. Finally, summarize the points you are trying to make about yourself as an example of the results your experiences had on you.

5) Message driven content. You have quite a few anecdotal and descriptive details in your essay that, while very relevant to you and the story you're telling, don't necessarily help support the message you're trying to convey about yourself. I would suggest cutting out pieces of story/descriptive details so that aren't entirely relevant to the story you are trying to tell here. You can choose to leave out some/all of them, and a good way to do so is to only use stories and details that directly support the focus of your essay's message.

Holt, your ideas and suggestions are very important to me. I am open to any suggestion you have to make for my essay. Thanks so much in advance.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

@Holt
Holt I want to thank you for every response you have given me so far. And I COMPLETELY agree about how the writing services change your voice in the essay. So far, I have shown my essay to more than seven or eight people and no one(I'm not exaggerating) has given the feedback you have given me. Thanks. I would really appreciate it if you could look at my new version(hopefully final) of my essay. I have more reflections about myself toward the end of the essay and added and removed a couple parts. Please feel free to give me any suggestions. The harsher the better! Thanks in advance.

True Profit

A small, empty pouch sits on my desk. Every now ...

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

@Holt
Please ignore my previous post, my computer started to glitch and it posted before I clicked submit.
So...about my essay.
Holt I want to thank you for every response you have given me so far. And I COMPLETELY agree about how the writing services change your voice in the essay. So far, I have shown my essay to more than seven or eight people and no one(I'm not exaggerating) has given the feedback you have given me. Thanks. I would really appreciate it if you could look at my new version(hopefully final) of my essay. I have more reflections about myself toward the end of the essay and added and removed a couple parts. If possible could you go over it and tell me if there is any weak parts to it? Because I went through the essay several times and I do not know if this is a good final draft. Is there room for improvement?

One of my teachers told me that I needed to reflect more on how I would use this lesson in the future and apply it to my future goals.

This is exactly what she said, "ADD DEPTH: The more I reflected on my big flea market adventure, I realized that this wasn't the first time I had discovered hidden joy and lessons in unexpected places. GO INTO other examples here (for a paragraph) Also, you could reflect on how you learned to see the good, and to add more depth, reflect and share WHY IT MATTERS, not only to you and others, but in the world." What do you think about this?

Holt, Thanks for everything.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Holt thanks for the response! I will change up the essay and add the "why I wanted to earn money" part and get back to you as soon as possible. And yes, I think the athlete part maybe added unneccesary unformation to the essay. When I am finished, I'll send it over. Thank you.

Undergraduate / Teaching children math with Bingo Games-Boston College Supplemental [11]

Hi holt,
So I made a couple of changes and when you have a chance could you please take a look at this version of my supplement. What do you think of this version?

Undergraduate / Teaching children math with Bingo Games-Boston College Supplemental [11]

Holt,
Did you mean something like this? And Holt you do not need to say sorry. I was literally smiling for your comment. Your comments are so meaningful! And please criticize and make suggestions freely if you feel the need to do so.

Undergraduate / Teaching children math with Bingo Games-Boston College Supplemental [11]

@Holt
Holt, I revised my essay, with your edits. I really like them. And by the way, sorry that I couldn't respond earlier. I had a lot of exams to study for. So, here is a new version of the supplement. [...]

Undergraduate / Teaching children math with Bingo Games-Boston College Supplemental [11]

@Holt
Holt when I sent you the last version I completely forgot about the word limit which is 400 words for the Boston College supplement. Although, I really liked the last version I had to cut it down so that it met the requirement. I apologize for that. I should have said it before. Below is my last version of the essay:

[..]

Undergraduate / 'the program uniqueness and location of UBC'. Your Opinion on my UBC Admissions Question Response [6]

Hi,

Let me give you my feedback. So first off I would like to say that there are a couple grammar errors. ...because of the program isuniquenessunique and the location of UBC suits me .

and cooperation that I desire to contribute towardstoward .

TheOpportunityopportunity of a Graduate PharmD degree also interests me.

I have to say that although you discuss why you wish to attend the UBC program, I would expand and say more about yourself. Why you are a good fit and how you would contribute to the community. For example, you can discuss volunteer experiences or activities you took part in and then build upon those. Talk more about yourself and how you can contribute and be involved instead of talking about the program. The reviewers will already know that they are a leading program or whatever you give them. Think of it kind of like an interview. The more you talk about yourself the more the other person will get to know you. I am not saying your draft does not work. Your essay is off to a good start. Just change it up a little bit. They want to hear more about YOU. You can send me your next revision, if you find these comments helpful. I hope they were.

Undergraduate / Invictus- How 14 Words Changed Me (UVa supplement) [3]

First off I want to say that the way you begin the paragraph is great.

These are my suggestions for you:
At the time I had no knowledge of its historical significance
This sentence does not sound right; just write like the way you speak
Try something like: At the time I did not know its historical significance

I joined the Debate Club

I transformed fromThe shy timid girl transformed into a strong-minded and well-liked leader.

These concluding lines not only worked their way not only into my heart, but also into my mind as well.

Then, in fourteen words , I was told that I had the ability to control my fate and; my life was transformed.

Overall comments: What you have written really fits in to the prompt and the reader can see how much you have learned from the poem when you say that you went from being shy to maturing. The part where you say "Then in fourteen words..." is the best part because it shows the power of words and the influence it has left on you. Aside from the grammar mistakes/suggestions I left for you, I think you should be all set. If you need further help, I can always check your revision.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Causes of stress in society nowadays - working environment, financial condition and family issue. [2]

Hi,

Although I can see your main points about stress, I believe your writing would benefit if you did not refer directly to the reader. Because your writing sounds more like a conversation than a formal writing. Do not use "you" in your essays unless you have to. For instance instead of saying, "...you will feel stressful.." say something like "one/a person can feel stressful..." Once you change up your writing and write it formally I will look at it again. But for now, I think you should focus on changing this.

I'll look at your writing once it is fixed up.

Writing Feedback / Wasting production in Six different countries in twenty years period presented in Table [4]

Hello let me give you my grammar suggestions:

in several countries from 1980 to 2000, a 20-year periodsis presented in table.

In any caseThe figure shows that America saw the highest waste production, while the figure for Portugal and Ireland showed reversesaw the lowest .

However, there was a dramatic roseincrease from 1980 to 2000 by 61 over the yearyears .

... Japan was representingrepresented at 28, while in Poland just at 4.

Interestingly though , Korea did not produce wasteproduced none waste in the beginning of period, but it had upwardsan upward trend over the following 20 years at 19. As the same wayLikewise , the waste output in Japan ...

This is a solid piece of interpretation for the figure. My only advice for you is that you may want to word things a little bit differently. And use google for any phrases in your writing. For instance, use likewise instead of as the same way . Just look up transition words and phrases that will fit into your writing. In this way, you will find your writing flowing smoothly. If you finish your revision I can look at it again, if you would like.

Writing Feedback / Three exported products (graph) such as meat products, dairy products, and international tourism [2]

Hi let me give you some grammar corrections and my suggestions:
The given bar chart informs the comparisons aboutcompares someland's main...

There are three exported products such as: meat products,...

It is noticeable thatThe tourism sector contributed the most someland's incomeearning while the meat products supplied the least earning was supplied by the meat products .

USD 1 billion while the bar chart of meat products showed a decrease to belowless than USD 4 billion in 2015.

By 2025, it is expected thatathe number of projected (...) its negative trend, it will shrinkshrinking to USD 3 billion.

But theThe export amount of international tourism will increase by twice as much ...
ByIn contrast, dairy products ...

First paragraph comments:
The first paragraph is good in that it explains what you will talk about and summarizes the data overall well.

Second paragraph comments:
For this paragraph, I think you should talk in order, meaning talk about the meat products first then dairy then tourism because this is the order that the chart goes. Therefore, you might want to change up your conclusions accordingly.

Third paragraph comments:
In the third paragraph I see what you are trying to say and I would recommend that you refer to the future when you are talking about years like 2025. Examples of phrases include: "it is expected that..." "we can predict that..." or anything that you can come up with. I would not really use the phrase "it will..." because although the chart does show that prediction, we are still in the year 2016.

These are my suggestions and comments. Should you have any other questions I can assist you.

Letters / 'A great future awaits him' - This is a Letter of recommendation from a Math teacher [4]

Hi,

I understand that Amrish is a wonderful kid, but I believe this letter would definitely benefit from specifics. Admission officers understand that students are "hardworking, intelligent, nice..." but they need evidence for these qualities. What makes a letter of recommendation "amazing" is when teachers describe the student by using examples in class, outside of class and specifics examples the teacher saw. For instance, let's say student A is a very persistent student. You can say something like, "Student A is a persistent student. Once I assigned a group project called Project ABC and, unlike the other students, Student A shocked me with his project. His project was different than others because...." I am just giving you an idea here but the point is talk about details; assignments, projects, homeworks or class discussions. If you can provide specific projects and their names, what you say about Student A becomes much more clear and accurate to the reader because you are basing your claims on evidence. This letter is really good. I just think it would become better if you can add to it a little bit more. Hope I was clear enough.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Working as volunteers should be taken into consideration for children - WRITING TASK 2 [4]

Hi,

The question is specifically asking whether you agree or disagree with the idea of "unpaid community service being a compulsory part of high school programs". I don't think it's necessary to use "William James Halley Park's comments". Because those, agreeing or disagreeing, are not your opinions. Try to state your own ideas.

The main tone of your essay seems to be "does unpaid community service have benefits or not" whereas the question's main focus is on the " being compulsory or not".

If you will conclude your essay with "agreeing", then you should stick to the "agreeing" ideas from the beginning to the end instead of comparing both in such a short essay.

I hope these suggestions were helpful.

Writing Feedback / Technologies such as computer benefits society [6]

In your essay, you mostly focused on the usage of computers using "the Internet". But before the Internet was available, computers had and still have a lot of benefits as well.

You might want to talk about the following benefits which don't necessarily require the Internet:

1-Storing data: A small computer can store billions of pages of documents which can fit only in a huge building.
2-Quick access information: You can access the intended information in seconds while it could hours if it's on papers.
3-Cost saving: A computer is capable of doing tasks in minutes which can manually be done by tens of people in days.

Undergraduate / Searching for an university that would complement and complete my personality: precise but sharp [13]

Hi,

Your last revision has grown and is better than the first one. I would say that you can try to add one or two things about how you will contribute to Syracuse University. When you say you want to take part in traditions or join XYZ program, activity, etc. at Syracuse you can talk about one of your acitivties you have been involved in during high school. This way the reader knows that you took action in high school and you will build upon your experiences at Syracuse,

Undergraduate / "How cupcakes helped me grow" - UVA prompt [2]

This supplement is one of a kind. The twist that I really like here is that you do not just say that you like cupcakes but you also how you contribute to others lives positively. This is the key for supplemental essays: to state what you like and what kind of a person you are and then say what you learned from it and how it will help others. Content wise I think it is good.

Some grammar mistakes I found:
Baking for is cathartic,; it allowsgives me the opportunity to take a break away from my studies and feelings of stressexpress my stressful feelings .

Recipes are strict, as they require precision andbut what isn't written and must be understood is that they also require a purpose. (You can still keep yours but I feel like this sounds better because it cuts down unnecessary parts)

... are baked with intentions, which isit is why homemade meals ...

Over the past six years, I have made (...) usually for a holidays or...

Undergraduate / Boston College Supplemental Essay- Physics is a part of me! [9]

Hello Ndushaj,

Congratulations for your passion in Science. I think your essay is a good fit for "Why do you like Science". But I don't think it is responding to "Describe a situation when you responded effectively to a particular need and found yourself at your creative best". You should clearly mention what the "situation" was and then what the "need" was because of that "situation". Then explain how have you creatively found a solution and responded effectively to that "need". And also, when you are talking about Physics, try to use the scientific facts rather than the religious concepts which mostly are personal and subjective.

I would recommend you focus on the words "situation", "need", "your respond", "how was it effective" then come up with an outline of your ideas, then support your ideas with scientific concepts.

Undergraduate / My unusual family experience. Something fundamental to comprehend me. [3]

Hello Jessica,

A touchy story! Thank you for sharing.

My understanding those are the main points of your essay:
-Your parents didn't care much about you when you were a kid.
-You think that "not having caring parents" helped you become more independent and care about people around you; therefore you appreciated their being ignorance.

So can we say "parents should ignore their children so that they become more independent when they grow up"? Or "if your parents could care about you as you wished, do you think you wouldn't be that much independent? So the idea of appreciating "ignorance" thinking that "being more independent as a result of ignorance" is quite arguable to me.

You mentioned that you brought some snacks to the foreign girl in your class because you felt sorry for her, then she became a bright student. If you have helped her in some other ways such as "to help her with her English" or "to be friend with her", or "to study together", you might want to mention that as well.

Undergraduate / "Let your life speak." Prompt 1 - Learning through engagement [9]

@Holt

Holt, what do you think of this version??

As a child, I always went grocery shopping ...

Undergraduate / "Let your life speak." Prompt 1 - Learning through engagement [9]

@Holt

Holt please ignore my previous post.

What do you think of this version? If this is fine, I really need help with the last sentence. Could you please help me with that? Thank you

There is a Quaker saying: "Let your life speak." Describe the environment in which you were raised-your family, home, neighborhood or community-and how it influenced the person you are today. (Required length is 200-250 words)

As a child, I always went grocery shopping with my mom. Instead of throwing out the receipt, like many other customers do, my mom would inspect every item on that small sheet of paper to see if everything was right. Then one day, after another shop ...

Undergraduate / "Let your life speak." Prompt 1 - Learning through engagement [9]

@Holt

Thank You! It looks awesome. Yes I will definitely use it :)

I will just try to cut it down a bit because the word limit is 250. I will try to get it back to you once I finish editing.

Undergraduate / "Let your life speak." Prompt 1 - Learning through engagement [9]

@Holt

Holt yours sounded much better but because of the word limit which is 250 words I had to cut off some parts of the essay...

What do you think of this one? I believe this one is exactly 249 words.

As a child, I always went grocery shopping with my mom. Instead of throwing out the receipt, like many other customers do, my mom would inspect every item on that small sheet of paper to see if everything was right. Then one day, after another shop at the grocery followed by a check of receipt, she noticed that the cashier had made a mistake by giving my mom extra money. At the time I thought this was a "great deal" and was puzzled when my mom went back to the store and returned the money. However, I later came to appreciate my mom's thoughtful actions once I saw how inspired the cashier was. On our way home my mom said, "It is always best to be truthful and sincere."

Now, just like my mom, I value and incorporate integrity in everything I do. Just last summer when I started working as a cashier myself, my honesty was called into question by a negative suggestion from my co-workers. As the place where we worked promoted an honesty system when it came to our time-in and time-out at work, I always made sure to write my exact in and out times in the logbook. However, my co-workers did the opposite; they always rounded off their times in order to increase their salary. When they advised me to do the same thing, I told them, "By being accurate and honest, I am earning the greatest deal possible. The trust of our employer."

Undergraduate / I love making smoothies; they make me happy-Supplements for Yale and Tufts [3]

Holt I wrote an essay and this is for Tufts not Yale. Could you please look at it? The supplements for Tufts is very important as I am applying ED2. Thanks you.. 1 essay at a time.

Undergraduate / The simple (maybe the silly ;) things in life make me happy [4]

@Holt

Holt,
When you have a chance could you please take a look at my supplement?

Undergraduate / Boston College Supplemental Essay- Physics is a part of me! [9]

@Holt

Yes I have to agree with Holt. You need to present something you approached more "creatively" rather than something that is academic. The essay you have written now is good but it does not fit in with with what the prompt is asking for. You probably had a problem or a time when you needed to find a creative solution. Tell us about that time. These supplements, like Holt always says, serve as your preeleminary interview. The interviewer wants to know you, the non-academic Nicholas. And make sure you are unique in your responses. Since this is about a time you needed to think creatively this won't be too hard. I'll read your next revision when you are finished.

Undergraduate / What qualities that I possess could possibly add value to your community? To be honest, I don't know [10]

I am sorry about what you went through. Here are my suggestions:

I believe your essay would definitely benefit if you sounded a bit more confident in your essay. There is nothing wrong with accepting a failure; in fact that shows maturity on your part. But sound more bold in your writing. Admission officers want to see your eventual growth. Take this essay and make it more confident-sounding, if that makes any sense. For instance:

I do not think this part should be included: "When I had a chance, I didn't take it because I was afraid. I wasn't active in my community because I was afraid of it. As I look back, I ask myself, 'What was I so afraid of?" Honestly, I think I was afraid of the challenge" If you really want to include it then you have to say that you now are not afraid to take challenges. Because you basically leave the reader thinking that you are still afraid of taking challenges. What you can do is either take this out or leave it and insert phrases that will show that that you have grown out of these "afraid" moments. Admission officers want to admit students who have grown from their mistakes and are confident. Be brave in your writing.

I hope this was helpful. Feel free to ask me any other questions.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

@Holt

Holt I cut out some of the beginning parts and I changed the essay up a little bit. Also I have about 30 more words to use as the word limit is 250 words.

I am having trouble answering this prompt. What else should I add or even remove here??

Barnard and Tufts are very important to me, so any of your comments are very appreciated, Holt.

AP Calculus
Limit x→ infinity (x^2)..........................................................................A Limit equation in Calculus

=infinity

Likewise:

Limit Mualla(that's me)→ Barnard (one of three girls in AP Computer Science)^2

= Feminism has always been a big part of me, which is why I want to be in an all girls school-Barnard. As a woman interested in the STEM field, I would love to work with female professors because the majors I intend on studying, Mathematics and Computer Science, are both male-dominated. I organized tutoring sessions to get females motivated ...

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

@Holt
Maybe something like this? I can not be sure. What do you think of this revised version? I changed up a lot of things.

Honestly I think the last few sentences need to be changed up. What do you think?

Barnard because I am a feminist. As a woman interested in the STEM field, I would like to work with female professors because the majors I intend on studying, Mathematics and Computer Science, are underrepresented by women. Supposedly, some students at Barnard have dropped math and computer classes easily, thinking that these subjects are explicitly for men. Throughout my high school, I was one of the few girls in math classes because many of my friends would not be up for the challenge of going for STEM. Having organized tutoring sessions to motivate females, I want to continue to serve as a mentor at the Barnard CS and Math help rooms to help women in these subjects and let them know that they can succeed.

...

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

@Holt
Hi, Holt. So far I only touched the top paragraph and I will work with the second paragraph later.I made some adjustments like you said. What do you think of this version?

As a woman interested in the STEM field, I would like to work with female professors because the majors I intend on studying, Mathematics and Computer Science, are underrepresented by women. Throughout my high school, I was one of the few girls in math classes because many of my friends would not be up for the challenge of going for STEM. I am a feminist at heart. Therefore, I would like to continue my education at an institution synonymous with feminism: Barnard.

Supposedly, some students at Barnard have dropped Computer classes easily and later opened a tutoring space for themselves to motivate each other. I organized tutoring sessions to help females in both math and computer class; therefore, I would like to continue to serve as a mentor at the Barnard CS and Math help rooms.

One thing that I also love is immersing myself into warm conversations with people. As a Youth member of the Peace Islands Institute I was able to understand other faiths through interfaith dialogues and improve my interpersonal skills. Nothing describes the rush of excitement I get when I listen to other's opinions about certain issues. Barnard encourages such programs and dialogue. The BCRW blogs, which explores feminism and social justice, never leaves my attention. People come together to converse about issues and are motivated to make a change in society; this is the community I want to be part of. This is the community where I will be able to turn conversations into actions. A community where good actions are contagious.