ngokhoa99
Feb 25, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Fixed punishments nevertheless of circumstances? [3]
Wow I never noticed that. Thanks Holt!
Wow I never noticed that. Thanks Holt!
ngokhoa99
Feb 24, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Fixed punishments nevertheless of circumstances? [3]
Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment
Discuss both these views and give your own opinions.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
Crime and punishment have always sparked debate in human history, and criminal laws are always being challenged and revised to suit the current societies. Regarding this matter, some people maintains that convicts of the same crime should receive the same punishment, while others argue for the circumstances and motivations in each and every crime to be considered in a trial. Although I agree with the latter, there are strong arguments for both views.
Fixed punishments ensure fairness for victims of each type of crime. However different the circumstances of these crimes may be, the damage that the defendant caused to the plaintiff is the same, as agreed by the jury. A case in point is the controversial death of a child in Vietnam, caused by a man who failed to comply with transportation safety standards. The public was confused how his duty to the country made up for his fatal negligence, seeing the devastating effect on the family was not reduced by having their son killed from a veteran. Another point is that the same-punishment law can negate corruption in court. If a criminal resort to connections and bribery, the proposed zero-tolerance policy will increase the chance that he will nevertheless be brought to justice.
However, no crimes are exactly the same, and taking that into account would make a lawsuit more nuanced and acceptable. Just as juries are picked from the community, the verdicts are expected to socially approveable, which absolutely requires empathy. For example, a person delivering drugs once under death threats being treated the same as a member of a drug trafficking ring would cause quite a stir in communities. To make sure lawsuits are being carried out sensibly, we need to allow for fair judgement of everyone involved, who likely have different circumstances and motivation. If the same punishment is applicable to every crime then the judges and jury would be redundant, as only the police would be needed to gather evidence and accuse someone of a crime. This process would go against the gradual development of our law systems.
To conclude, a criminal case should always be processed with as much information as possible, since considering different circumstances are necessary to deliver justice to each and every person involved. It is this flexibility that makes us human and allows for large, interconnected, and supportive communities.
(390 words)
Please give me feedback on my Task 2 essay! I'm going to take a computer-delivered IELTS test, so I went a bit over the word limit because I can type faster.
Should there be a fixed punishment for each type of crime?
Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment
Discuss both these views and give your own opinions.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
Crime and punishment have always sparked debate in human history, and criminal laws are always being challenged and revised to suit the current societies. Regarding this matter, some people maintains that convicts of the same crime should receive the same punishment, while others argue for the circumstances and motivations in each and every crime to be considered in a trial. Although I agree with the latter, there are strong arguments for both views.
Fixed punishments ensure fairness for victims of each type of crime. However different the circumstances of these crimes may be, the damage that the defendant caused to the plaintiff is the same, as agreed by the jury. A case in point is the controversial death of a child in Vietnam, caused by a man who failed to comply with transportation safety standards. The public was confused how his duty to the country made up for his fatal negligence, seeing the devastating effect on the family was not reduced by having their son killed from a veteran. Another point is that the same-punishment law can negate corruption in court. If a criminal resort to connections and bribery, the proposed zero-tolerance policy will increase the chance that he will nevertheless be brought to justice.
However, no crimes are exactly the same, and taking that into account would make a lawsuit more nuanced and acceptable. Just as juries are picked from the community, the verdicts are expected to socially approveable, which absolutely requires empathy. For example, a person delivering drugs once under death threats being treated the same as a member of a drug trafficking ring would cause quite a stir in communities. To make sure lawsuits are being carried out sensibly, we need to allow for fair judgement of everyone involved, who likely have different circumstances and motivation. If the same punishment is applicable to every crime then the judges and jury would be redundant, as only the police would be needed to gather evidence and accuse someone of a crime. This process would go against the gradual development of our law systems.
To conclude, a criminal case should always be processed with as much information as possible, since considering different circumstances are necessary to deliver justice to each and every person involved. It is this flexibility that makes us human and allows for large, interconnected, and supportive communities.
(390 words)
Please give me feedback on my Task 2 essay! I'm going to take a computer-delivered IELTS test, so I went a bit over the word limit because I can type faster.
ngokhoa99
Feb 21, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing essay: Should we legalize the right to die? [3]
Hi Thuy! I think your essay has decent vocabulary and good arguments. However, there is still room for improvement.
1. Your essay add up to 249 words. I don't think you will get the word count penalty for missing one word, however you should try to write 250-300 word. Generally, a reasonably longer essay allows more space to show off your writing skill and increase your chance to get a higher band.
2. You present 3 points in your argument, therefore for each point you can only write 3-4 sentences, with no examples. This makes your argument weak. It would probably be better if you just choose 2 points and elaborate them so the examiner can better understand your opinion.
3. It is great to vary your keywords. However, you should also try not to use the word, or using it as a noun, which can be a bit repetitive, and put a pressure on you to find a bunch of synonyms.
4. At the end of each paragraph, you write a sentence to (I think) sum up the idea of that paragraph. However they are too general, and essentially the same in all 3 paragraphs. They sound something like this: "I think not allowing assisted dying is bad". I would recommend you to make that sentence sum up the particular argument in just that paragraph, while also linking to the next paragraph. Or you can just save that last sentence for more space to reinforce your argument by giving examples - which your essay lacks.
5. Your opening and closing paragraph should be a bit longer and elaborate. I recommend 3 sentences for the opening paragraph, and 2-3 sentences for the closing paragraph.
Fixing those parts and some grammar errors and you're good to go. If you find my feedback helpful please press like on the upper-right corner!
Hi Thuy! I think your essay has decent vocabulary and good arguments. However, there is still room for improvement.
1. Your essay add up to 249 words. I don't think you will get the word count penalty for missing one word, however you should try to write 250-300 word. Generally, a reasonably longer essay allows more space to show off your writing skill and increase your chance to get a higher band.
2. You present 3 points in your argument, therefore for each point you can only write 3-4 sentences, with no examples. This makes your argument weak. It would probably be better if you just choose 2 points and elaborate them so the examiner can better understand your opinion.
3. It is great to vary your keywords. However, you should also try not to use the word, or using it as a noun, which can be a bit repetitive, and put a pressure on you to find a bunch of synonyms.
4. At the end of each paragraph, you write a sentence to (I think) sum up the idea of that paragraph. However they are too general, and essentially the same in all 3 paragraphs. They sound something like this: "I think not allowing assisted dying is bad". I would recommend you to make that sentence sum up the particular argument in just that paragraph, while also linking to the next paragraph. Or you can just save that last sentence for more space to reinforce your argument by giving examples - which your essay lacks.
5. Your opening and closing paragraph should be a bit longer and elaborate. I recommend 3 sentences for the opening paragraph, and 2-3 sentences for the closing paragraph.
Fixing those parts and some grammar errors and you're good to go. If you find my feedback helpful please press like on the upper-right corner!
ngokhoa99
Feb 21, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: Failure is proof that the desire wasn't strong enough [2]
Great esaay Hangtan! I just have a few things to add:
- Try to vary your sentence structures more. In the first 2 paragraphs, I'm only seeing long and longer-than-long sentences. While they may appear advanced, they can also bore the reader.
- Find more synonyms for the keywords in your essay. For example: failure - loss - setback etc. Especially in the third paragraph.
Oh and the guitarist you wrote about is Dave Mustaine! You can also read about Pete Best. He got kicked out of The Beatles, but his story ended better than Mustaine.
Great esaay Hangtan! I just have a few things to add:
- Try to vary your sentence structures more. In the first 2 paragraphs, I'm only seeing long and longer-than-long sentences. While they may appear advanced, they can also bore the reader.
- Find more synonyms for the keywords in your essay. For example: failure - loss - setback etc. Especially in the third paragraph.
Oh and the guitarist you wrote about is Dave Mustaine! You can also read about Pete Best. He got kicked out of The Beatles, but his story ended better than Mustaine.
ngokhoa99
Feb 17, 2019
Writing Feedback / Parents, who choose private education for their kids, allowed to not pay state education taxes? [2]
Hi guys, this is my IELTS Writing Task 2 essay. It would be great if you could read it and give me some feedback! If possible, can you please give feedback according to IELTS' marking structure:
1. Task Achievement: Ideas, Addressing the Task, Conclusion, Developing Ideas.
2. Coherence and Cohesion: Paragraphing, Linking and Referencing.
3. Grammatical Range and Accuracy: Sentence Structures, Tenses, Punctuation, Number of Errors
4. Lexical Resource: Vocabulary, Collocations, Spelling, Number of Errors.
If these criteria are too long that's okay haha, just getting your feedback is good for me already!
Families who send their children to private schools should not be required to pay taxes that support the state education system. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Education has always been a hot topic for debate as students, parents, educators, and politicians argue for what they think is best. Some believe that families with children attending private schools should be relieved of their education-related taxes duty. Considering the ramifications of this proposed policy and the very purpose of taxes, I strongly disagree with this opinion.
First and foremost, taxes are created to support a society's well-being, of which public education is a grand pillar. It is essential to equip the young generation - the majority of which goes to public schools - with multifaceted, relevant, and practical knowledge if a country is to raise its living standard and economic strength. As a person or household choose to live in a community, they also choose to receive benefits from it and give back. Just as taxpayers contribute to the salaries of public sector workers, they also invest in young people who will become the labor force of a nation. Refusing to pay taxes for state education while still paying other taxes would be like expecting a police officer, whose service most people need, to appear out of nowhere and then start giving him salary. Evading just education taxes simply does not make sense.
If the option to also not pay other kinds of taxes also becomes available, then the problem will only further complicate. As families who choose private schools get allowed to skip on financially contributing to public education, other people will demand their rights to choose taxes they want to pay. Car drivers will refuse to pay for public transport, healthy people will refuse to pay for public healthcare, et cetera. This will result in difficult tax regulation, more red tapes, and social inequality in general. The current tax system of many countries are tailored to the needs of their citizens and policies of the governments, whose aim is to prevent this exact scenario from happening. While certain types of taxes - import-related tax and property tax for example - apply to specific individuals and organizations, general expenses for the society's development, which includes state education tax, should not be skipped.
To conclude, even though the choice of education still belongs to families, public education taxes should still be paid. Offering a choice to not contribute to public schools would bring about more drawbacks then benefits, and also ensuing numerous issues.
Hi guys, this is my IELTS Writing Task 2 essay. It would be great if you could read it and give me some feedback! If possible, can you please give feedback according to IELTS' marking structure:
1. Task Achievement: Ideas, Addressing the Task, Conclusion, Developing Ideas.
2. Coherence and Cohesion: Paragraphing, Linking and Referencing.
3. Grammatical Range and Accuracy: Sentence Structures, Tenses, Punctuation, Number of Errors
4. Lexical Resource: Vocabulary, Collocations, Spelling, Number of Errors.
If these criteria are too long that's okay haha, just getting your feedback is good for me already!
Families who send their children to private schools should not be required to pay taxes that support the state education system. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
taxes should be paid
Education has always been a hot topic for debate as students, parents, educators, and politicians argue for what they think is best. Some believe that families with children attending private schools should be relieved of their education-related taxes duty. Considering the ramifications of this proposed policy and the very purpose of taxes, I strongly disagree with this opinion.
First and foremost, taxes are created to support a society's well-being, of which public education is a grand pillar. It is essential to equip the young generation - the majority of which goes to public schools - with multifaceted, relevant, and practical knowledge if a country is to raise its living standard and economic strength. As a person or household choose to live in a community, they also choose to receive benefits from it and give back. Just as taxpayers contribute to the salaries of public sector workers, they also invest in young people who will become the labor force of a nation. Refusing to pay taxes for state education while still paying other taxes would be like expecting a police officer, whose service most people need, to appear out of nowhere and then start giving him salary. Evading just education taxes simply does not make sense.
If the option to also not pay other kinds of taxes also becomes available, then the problem will only further complicate. As families who choose private schools get allowed to skip on financially contributing to public education, other people will demand their rights to choose taxes they want to pay. Car drivers will refuse to pay for public transport, healthy people will refuse to pay for public healthcare, et cetera. This will result in difficult tax regulation, more red tapes, and social inequality in general. The current tax system of many countries are tailored to the needs of their citizens and policies of the governments, whose aim is to prevent this exact scenario from happening. While certain types of taxes - import-related tax and property tax for example - apply to specific individuals and organizations, general expenses for the society's development, which includes state education tax, should not be skipped.
To conclude, even though the choice of education still belongs to families, public education taxes should still be paid. Offering a choice to not contribute to public schools would bring about more drawbacks then benefits, and also ensuing numerous issues.
ngokhoa99
Feb 15, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS - The controversial law that protects the person who is being accused of a crime. [3]
Thanks TJLuschen! I really agree with your comments. As for the last body paragraph, I probably got distracted and messed up. Maybe I should just cut it out.
Thanks TJLuschen! I really agree with your comments. As for the last body paragraph, I probably got distracted and messed up. Maybe I should just cut it out.
ngokhoa99
Feb 14, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS - The controversial law that protects the person who is being accused of a crime. [3]
Under British and Australian laws a jury in a criminal case has no access to information about the defendant's past criminal record. This protects the person who is being accused of the crime.
Some lawyers have suggested that this practice should be changed and that a jury should be given all the past facts before they reach their decision about the case.
Do you agree or disagree?
The debate surrounding jury predisposition is one of the most charged in legal fields. Taking their stances, British and Australian laws state that a jury in a criminal case must be denied access to the defendant's past criminal record, supposedly protecting the accused person. A number of lawyers believe that this policy should be changed, as a jury should be given all information in the past before agreeing on a jurisdiction. Considering the merits and drawbacks of the proposal, I disagree with this opinion.
First of all, there is little reason to risk the jury becoming discriminating and predisposed. As the jury is picked from the community, there's a chance that they are biased, and have friends or relatives affected by certain crimes. Unlike judges, they are less trained on balancing emotions and facts - making them more prone to judge based on personal reasons rather than presented evidence. For example, a dad with a molested child is very unlikely to empathize with a convicted molester, however innocent the latter may be in the present case. Moreover, criminal records may be long, complex, and even uncomprehensive. The resulting failure of understanding the records can even further distort the case. As we rely on the jury to reach a socially accepted consensus, we also rely on them being normal, sensible people, and that comes with flaws.
Furthermore, the evidence given by the plaintiff and the defendant should be enough for judgement. If the jury needs to rely on past records to judge, the evidence and the arguments are most likely incomplete and illogical. Nowadays, forensic technology and developed psychological science give us far better grounds to assess a criminal case than ever before. Combined with the ubiquitous presence of social media and CCTV, there should be more than enough evidence to accurately convict a criminal. Failure to procure such proof by the prosecutor should not lead to unfair penalties.
Opponents of this viewpoint may argue that smart criminal with connections may evaporate conclusive evidence that can be used against them, even though they are actually guilty. I agree with this to a certain extent. To solve the problem, we can permit the occasional access to a person's criminal records if they contain charges similar to the ones being pressed. After all, repeated disrespect for the law can be a guilt indicator.
In conclusion, I support the above policy of UK and Australian criminal law. The jury are human beings after all, therefore distractions should be limited as much as possible for a just case.
Thanks for reading! Please give me feedback if that's okay. This is my IELTS Task 2 practice, what score do you think it will get? Thank you.
Should a jury have access to criminal records?
Under British and Australian laws a jury in a criminal case has no access to information about the defendant's past criminal record. This protects the person who is being accused of the crime.
Some lawyers have suggested that this practice should be changed and that a jury should be given all the past facts before they reach their decision about the case.
Do you agree or disagree?
The debate surrounding jury predisposition is one of the most charged in legal fields. Taking their stances, British and Australian laws state that a jury in a criminal case must be denied access to the defendant's past criminal record, supposedly protecting the accused person. A number of lawyers believe that this policy should be changed, as a jury should be given all information in the past before agreeing on a jurisdiction. Considering the merits and drawbacks of the proposal, I disagree with this opinion.
First of all, there is little reason to risk the jury becoming discriminating and predisposed. As the jury is picked from the community, there's a chance that they are biased, and have friends or relatives affected by certain crimes. Unlike judges, they are less trained on balancing emotions and facts - making them more prone to judge based on personal reasons rather than presented evidence. For example, a dad with a molested child is very unlikely to empathize with a convicted molester, however innocent the latter may be in the present case. Moreover, criminal records may be long, complex, and even uncomprehensive. The resulting failure of understanding the records can even further distort the case. As we rely on the jury to reach a socially accepted consensus, we also rely on them being normal, sensible people, and that comes with flaws.
Furthermore, the evidence given by the plaintiff and the defendant should be enough for judgement. If the jury needs to rely on past records to judge, the evidence and the arguments are most likely incomplete and illogical. Nowadays, forensic technology and developed psychological science give us far better grounds to assess a criminal case than ever before. Combined with the ubiquitous presence of social media and CCTV, there should be more than enough evidence to accurately convict a criminal. Failure to procure such proof by the prosecutor should not lead to unfair penalties.
Opponents of this viewpoint may argue that smart criminal with connections may evaporate conclusive evidence that can be used against them, even though they are actually guilty. I agree with this to a certain extent. To solve the problem, we can permit the occasional access to a person's criminal records if they contain charges similar to the ones being pressed. After all, repeated disrespect for the law can be a guilt indicator.
In conclusion, I support the above policy of UK and Australian criminal law. The jury are human beings after all, therefore distractions should be limited as much as possible for a just case.
Thanks for reading! Please give me feedback if that's okay. This is my IELTS Task 2 practice, what score do you think it will get? Thank you.
ngokhoa99
Aug 20, 2017
Faq, Help / Thanking moderators and everyone who gave me helpful suggestion [28]
Merged:
@Holt
Hey Holt it's Khoa. You helped me write a dozen essays a while ago (I'm the one with the Personal Statement about kids studying too much in Vietnam), and I want to say thank you.
I didn't get into any school though. The results came in May but I was too busy being depressed and then having to focus on the university entrance exam in Vietnam so I didn't have the time to tell you haha. Earlham College offered me an aid package of 35000 usd a year (that took an essay about being a mediator and an interview), but my family couldn't pay the rest. Bard College offered me a spot in their Berlin campus but their curriculum wasn't what I needed. So I ended up studying in Vietnam.
I got into one of the top schools here! I'm studying in Foreign Trade University now. Even though I couldn't study abroad, I discovered a lot about myself while writing those essays. Now I have a better idea of who I am and who I want to become. You helped me prepared for my college years ahead. Thank you, Holt.
I'm planning to get my master degree in Europe, so I might come back to this forum in a few years. I hope you will still be here!
Again, thank you.
P/s: If you ever come to Ho Chi Minh city, do call me. You might need help getting around this concrete jungle!
Merged:
Master's degree in Europe - Just wanna say you
@Holt
Hey Holt it's Khoa. You helped me write a dozen essays a while ago (I'm the one with the Personal Statement about kids studying too much in Vietnam), and I want to say thank you.
I didn't get into any school though. The results came in May but I was too busy being depressed and then having to focus on the university entrance exam in Vietnam so I didn't have the time to tell you haha. Earlham College offered me an aid package of 35000 usd a year (that took an essay about being a mediator and an interview), but my family couldn't pay the rest. Bard College offered me a spot in their Berlin campus but their curriculum wasn't what I needed. So I ended up studying in Vietnam.
I got into one of the top schools here! I'm studying in Foreign Trade University now. Even though I couldn't study abroad, I discovered a lot about myself while writing those essays. Now I have a better idea of who I am and who I want to become. You helped me prepared for my college years ahead. Thank you, Holt.
I'm planning to get my master degree in Europe, so I might come back to this forum in a few years. I hope you will still be here!
Again, thank you.
P/s: If you ever come to Ho Chi Minh city, do call me. You might need help getting around this concrete jungle!
ngokhoa99
Jan 14, 2017
Undergraduate / Providence College Supplemental essay: Finding the ultimate truth [2]
Providence College students have always engaged in lively intellectual debates through disputatio - the art of disputed questions. At Providence, there is often not one correct answer, but rather many answers that come together to form one truth. In a divided society filled with strong opinions, how do you work to ensure all viewpoints are considered and the ultimate truth is discovered? (250-500 words)
When I was little, my mom told me about her encounters as a news reporter with all kinds of people, from activists to war veterans, from poachers to millionaires. "Everyone thinks they're on the good side. They don't try to understand each other.", she would say. "My job is to make people listen. Want to help me with that?". So I did.
By the time I learned the word "mediator", I had already been one. Resolving conflicts is a constantly-reshaping challenge in my rowdy public schools, casual household, and military neighborhood. To help two friends make up, I have to find out why the first punch was thrown. To prevent my dad from assaulting my older sister's boyfriend every saturday night, I proposed negotiating conditions. I sat through my neighbors' rants to settle their quarrels. Everyone has their reasons. I balance them and find out what works best. Open-mindedness, patience, and flexibility never failed me.
Only by listening to all sides are we truly listening. Expressing our thoughts, as well as taking in others', purely for the sake of advancement demands effort. Dominicans make that effort to prevent emotion from suppressing logic, to prevent prejudices from hindering innovation, and to let knowledge complement knowledge. Providence's ideals on the pursuit of truth resonate with my belief. However strange or unacceptable an opinion may seem, I always try to find the facts so they can complete each other and lead to the truth. Along with mediating, I encourage others to create a comfortable and accepting environment that encourages free speech. I believe that peace promotes progress.
However, to me, there's no ultimate truth. The human knowledge is ever expanding and ever changing, like a puzzle with pieces that can be fit into many places and transforms with every different combination. What we have to do is find as many of those pieces as we can, so even if they become obsolete, we can look back and see how our perception of truth evolved, motivating ourselves to keep walking on that path. I commit myself to peacebuilding so conflicts become productive, and I commit myself to education so I can create well-adjusted puzzle pieces from others. To keep trying to solve the enigma of truth is a mission given us, human beings, and to me, a growing peacemaker.
@Holt I forgot that I couldn't post another essay in that thread. I asked if asking for suggestions was even okay but then straight posted the essay. Sorry.
Providence College students have always engaged in lively intellectual debates through disputatio - the art of disputed questions. At Providence, there is often not one correct answer, but rather many answers that come together to form one truth. In a divided society filled with strong opinions, how do you work to ensure all viewpoints are considered and the ultimate truth is discovered? (250-500 words)
Finding the ultimate truth
When I was little, my mom told me about her encounters as a news reporter with all kinds of people, from activists to war veterans, from poachers to millionaires. "Everyone thinks they're on the good side. They don't try to understand each other.", she would say. "My job is to make people listen. Want to help me with that?". So I did.
By the time I learned the word "mediator", I had already been one. Resolving conflicts is a constantly-reshaping challenge in my rowdy public schools, casual household, and military neighborhood. To help two friends make up, I have to find out why the first punch was thrown. To prevent my dad from assaulting my older sister's boyfriend every saturday night, I proposed negotiating conditions. I sat through my neighbors' rants to settle their quarrels. Everyone has their reasons. I balance them and find out what works best. Open-mindedness, patience, and flexibility never failed me.
Only by listening to all sides are we truly listening. Expressing our thoughts, as well as taking in others', purely for the sake of advancement demands effort. Dominicans make that effort to prevent emotion from suppressing logic, to prevent prejudices from hindering innovation, and to let knowledge complement knowledge. Providence's ideals on the pursuit of truth resonate with my belief. However strange or unacceptable an opinion may seem, I always try to find the facts so they can complete each other and lead to the truth. Along with mediating, I encourage others to create a comfortable and accepting environment that encourages free speech. I believe that peace promotes progress.
However, to me, there's no ultimate truth. The human knowledge is ever expanding and ever changing, like a puzzle with pieces that can be fit into many places and transforms with every different combination. What we have to do is find as many of those pieces as we can, so even if they become obsolete, we can look back and see how our perception of truth evolved, motivating ourselves to keep walking on that path. I commit myself to peacebuilding so conflicts become productive, and I commit myself to education so I can create well-adjusted puzzle pieces from others. To keep trying to solve the enigma of truth is a mission given us, human beings, and to me, a growing peacemaker.
@Holt I forgot that I couldn't post another essay in that thread. I asked if asking for suggestions was even okay but then straight posted the essay. Sorry.
ngokhoa99
Jan 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / The graph below shows the amount of waste produced by three companies over a period of 15 years [6]
Your essay is okay overall. You can use words like "generate" as synonyms for "produce" when it comes to producing waste.
Also, saying "reduced the production of waste" sounds better than "reduced producing waste", I think.
Your essay is okay overall. You can use words like "generate" as synonyms for "produce" when it comes to producing waste.
Also, saying "reduced the production of waste" sounds better than "reduced producing waste", I think.
ngokhoa99
Jan 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / Besides the economy, there are many types of progress worth our attention as well. [4]
Hey Arlen, if your thesis statement claims that all kinds of development are equally important, you should explain why. What you did in this essay was writing a whole paragraph on how economics are important, and in the next paragraph saying the others are important as well, but without reasons.
These kinds of subjects are valuable because they are closely integrated with people.
One sentence alone like this is not enough.
In the next draft, maybe try using one paragraph to elaborate on how all types of development are connected to each other, and another paragraph to list the negative effects of focusing solely on the economy?
Hey Arlen, if your thesis statement claims that all kinds of development are equally important, you should explain why. What you did in this essay was writing a whole paragraph on how economics are important, and in the next paragraph saying the others are important as well, but without reasons.
These kinds of subjects are valuable because they are closely integrated with people.
One sentence alone like this is not enough.
In the next draft, maybe try using one paragraph to elaborate on how all types of development are connected to each other, and another paragraph to list the negative effects of focusing solely on the economy?
ngokhoa99
Jan 9, 2017
Undergraduate / Why Lafayette? Comparing myself to a French general [2]
@Holt
Why Lafayette? (200 words)
Comparing myself to a hero of two countries? Why not? Like how Lafayette sailed to America to pledge his service to the cause of liberation from Britain, I'm pursuing an education in the U.S to achieve my goal of promoting the well-being of others. This 17-year-old Vietnamese kid and the 18th century French general have common things in their journeys: challenges (war for Lafayette, academic for me), new environments (British colonies for Lafayette, multicultural campus for me), and financial hardship (well, for both of us). These are the "why-not's" that can discourage anyone unwilling to step out of their comfort zone, but Lafayette succeeded, and I can too. Why? But why not, when at Lafayette College, the dedication of quality faculty, embracing, supportive campus, and resources comparable to larger research universities that pushes me to exceed expectations? This academic side of the school is mixed with a sense of civic engagement, and captured simply by Professor Mary Armstrong: "Lafayette students want to do well, but they also want to do good." Having been working towards social conscience in my teenage years, I really relate to programs like women studies with Northampton County Prison inmates or FIMRC. I don't aim to be a "hero of two worlds" like General Lafayette - I want to be a contributor to one compassionate, advancing, united world. Among Leopards, my aspirations will spread and burn even brighter to fuel that purpose. (236 words)
"Cur non" or "Why not" is Marquis de Lafayette's motto and one aspect of the school's spirit. FIMRC is a program about medicine for children in developing countries. I hope these information help.
Thank you for reviewing my essay!
@Holt
Why Lafayette? (200 words)
Me versus Lafayette
Comparing myself to a hero of two countries? Why not? Like how Lafayette sailed to America to pledge his service to the cause of liberation from Britain, I'm pursuing an education in the U.S to achieve my goal of promoting the well-being of others. This 17-year-old Vietnamese kid and the 18th century French general have common things in their journeys: challenges (war for Lafayette, academic for me), new environments (British colonies for Lafayette, multicultural campus for me), and financial hardship (well, for both of us). These are the "why-not's" that can discourage anyone unwilling to step out of their comfort zone, but Lafayette succeeded, and I can too. Why? But why not, when at Lafayette College, the dedication of quality faculty, embracing, supportive campus, and resources comparable to larger research universities that pushes me to exceed expectations? This academic side of the school is mixed with a sense of civic engagement, and captured simply by Professor Mary Armstrong: "Lafayette students want to do well, but they also want to do good." Having been working towards social conscience in my teenage years, I really relate to programs like women studies with Northampton County Prison inmates or FIMRC. I don't aim to be a "hero of two worlds" like General Lafayette - I want to be a contributor to one compassionate, advancing, united world. Among Leopards, my aspirations will spread and burn even brighter to fuel that purpose. (236 words)
"Cur non" or "Why not" is Marquis de Lafayette's motto and one aspect of the school's spirit. FIMRC is a program about medicine for children in developing countries. I hope these information help.
Thank you for reviewing my essay!
ngokhoa99
Dec 31, 2016
Undergraduate / This tragic moment granted something inside of me - background statement [5]
You're probably going to get banned for commenting and calling for help on other posts haha. They're not counted as "feedback". If you haven't got any answer on your thread, the thread will stay in the prioritized "Unanswered" section, so you don't really need to call for help.
About your essay, you're writing about something very grand, but I didn't get anything out of it. You need to dig deeper into your experience and your actions. What changed your attitude about death? What have you done to conquer it? At the end of the essay, you have only shown your determination (not really well), but there's no action yet.
You're probably going to get banned for commenting and calling for help on other posts haha. They're not counted as "feedback". If you haven't got any answer on your thread, the thread will stay in the prioritized "Unanswered" section, so you don't really need to call for help.
About your essay, you're writing about something very grand, but I didn't get anything out of it. You need to dig deeper into your experience and your actions. What changed your attitude about death? What have you done to conquer it? At the end of the essay, you have only shown your determination (not really well), but there's no action yet.
ngokhoa99
Dec 31, 2016
Undergraduate / NERD, GEEK & DORK -TUFTS- [4]
I think it can work if you can do these two things:
1. Point out the similarity in the common definition of "nerd" and yours, and the differences that makes you valuable.
2. Like the prompt, celebrate the nerdiness, explaining how some aspect that is often seen as negative are actually positive
I think it can work if you can do these two things:
1. Point out the similarity in the common definition of "nerd" and yours, and the differences that makes you valuable.
2. Like the prompt, celebrate the nerdiness, explaining how some aspect that is often seen as negative are actually positive
ngokhoa99
Dec 30, 2016
Undergraduate / Lafayette supplemental essay: I read so I can listen [4]
There's a difference between being busy and being engaged. Lafayette comes alive each day with the energy of students who are deeply engaged in their academic, co-curricular and extracurricular explorations. In response to the prompt below, keep it simple - choose one activity and add depth to our understanding of your involvement.
What do you do? Why do you do it? (20-200 words)
I've been reading ever since I can. As I got older, my books turned from exploring the world to exploring people. When I was seven, I was exhilarated by Tom Sawyer's adventures, and when I was fifteen, I was contemplating the morals of slavery with Huckleberry Finn. I can't help wanting to know what people think, how they feel, or how they would react to something. I'm fascinated with the first-person viewpoint.
I saw Chanrithy Him's parents killed by the Khmer Rouge. I hid in the Achterhuis with Anne Frank. I watched soldiers die in Dang Thuy Tram's arms. Seeing the thoughts running through those people's minds, wondering how could human beings treat each others so cruelly, I believe we all need a third-person omniscient viewpoint.
There's discrimination, racism, religious conflicts, and wars, because we don't fully understand each other. We may never will, but we have to try. To sympathize with others, we need context. We need their experience. We need to read into their lives.
There aren't usually books written about the people around me, so I talk to them. For the people who I can't readily talk to, the Cambodians, the Jews, the Native Americans, the war refugees, the veterans, the drug addicts, the convicts: I read about them.
I read, so when I listen, I can understand.
The word limit is 200 and I'm at 227. Please review my essay. Thank you!
There's a difference between being busy and being engaged. Lafayette comes alive each day with the energy of students who are deeply engaged in their academic, co-curricular and extracurricular explorations. In response to the prompt below, keep it simple - choose one activity and add depth to our understanding of your involvement.
What do you do? Why do you do it? (20-200 words)
I read, so I can listen.
I've been reading ever since I can. As I got older, my books turned from exploring the world to exploring people. When I was seven, I was exhilarated by Tom Sawyer's adventures, and when I was fifteen, I was contemplating the morals of slavery with Huckleberry Finn. I can't help wanting to know what people think, how they feel, or how they would react to something. I'm fascinated with the first-person viewpoint.
I saw Chanrithy Him's parents killed by the Khmer Rouge. I hid in the Achterhuis with Anne Frank. I watched soldiers die in Dang Thuy Tram's arms. Seeing the thoughts running through those people's minds, wondering how could human beings treat each others so cruelly, I believe we all need a third-person omniscient viewpoint.
There's discrimination, racism, religious conflicts, and wars, because we don't fully understand each other. We may never will, but we have to try. To sympathize with others, we need context. We need their experience. We need to read into their lives.
There aren't usually books written about the people around me, so I talk to them. For the people who I can't readily talk to, the Cambodians, the Jews, the Native Americans, the war refugees, the veterans, the drug addicts, the convicts: I read about them.
I read, so when I listen, I can understand.
The word limit is 200 and I'm at 227. Please review my essay. Thank you!
ngokhoa99
Dec 30, 2016
Undergraduate / My performance as a DJ. Common App: prompt about failure [11]
No lights; no music; nothing is playing anymore
I think that using a comma instead will better serve the purpose here. No other punctuation and grammar issues I can find.
The content is pretty good! But are you sure you're answering this prompt? I think this was a huge success for you, not a failure. Maybe try to find another prompt to suit this essay?
No lights; no music; nothing is playing anymore
I think that using a comma instead will better serve the purpose here. No other punctuation and grammar issues I can find.
The content is pretty good! But are you sure you're answering this prompt? I think this was a huge success for you, not a failure. Maybe try to find another prompt to suit this essay?
ngokhoa99
Dec 29, 2016
ngokhoa99
Dec 29, 2016
Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]
I'm not sure what you mean. Do you mean that I need to connect the party, the fact that I decided to talk with my parents, the argument and my decision to cancel classes? I think I've connected a bit:
I confronted him later that night to talk about the problem, things got heated and we - you know the rest of the story.
Also, do you see anymore typos or grammar inconsistencies? I've read it over a hundred times but I can still miss them you know. Thanks for helping me!
I'm not sure what you mean. Do you mean that I need to connect the party, the fact that I decided to talk with my parents, the argument and my decision to cancel classes? I think I've connected a bit:
I confronted him later that night to talk about the problem, things got heated and we - you know the rest of the story.
Also, do you see anymore typos or grammar inconsistencies? I've read it over a hundred times but I can still miss them you know. Thanks for helping me!
ngokhoa99
Dec 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 1 about fish and four types of meat consumption [2]
This is pretty solid writing. There's just one thing I'd like to point out.
while the consumption of beef, lamb and fish experienced a downward trend. A
The consumption can't "experience". It is not capable of thinking and emotions. When you use the verb "experience", use it with groups of people or countries. For example: the Americans experienced a downward trend in the consumption of beef.
Also, the first paragraph, the word is "meat", not "meet".
This is pretty solid writing. There's just one thing I'd like to point out.
while the consumption of beef, lamb and fish experienced a downward trend. A
The consumption can't "experience". It is not capable of thinking and emotions. When you use the verb "experience", use it with groups of people or countries. For example: the Americans experienced a downward trend in the consumption of beef.
Also, the first paragraph, the word is "meat", not "meet".
ngokhoa99
Dec 29, 2016
Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]
@Holt I know you're not ignoring me haha. This is just another draft. Again, is my tense usage okay?
I was basically disowned. One dreadful night, everything changed when the only son brought great dishonor unto the family and himself - I quit my extra classes. Yep.
"Then I'll wait right here to see how you keep up with the best students in this city!" - Dad shouted back - "Keep your words! Rank first!". He stormed off. And came back to slam the bedroom door.
When Mom and Dad threw a party for their favorite child who just got admitted to the most prestigious high school in Danang, they probably didn't expect me to break bad so soon. Dad beamed at me when he clinked his glass with mine, not knowing that his happiness was not shared. How could I be happy being suffocated in my studying schedule? I confronted him later that night to talk about the problem, things got heated and we - you know the rest of the story.
Letting out a sigh, I put down the pencil. A drowning kid with textbooks tied to his neck. An absent-minded painting. I didn't realize that I've been underwater for the last three years, studying 12 hours a day just so I could get into Le Quy Don High School for the Gifted. Is this "gift" the honor of fulfilling the duty of an Asian kid, the duty of listening to my parent and bury myself in schoolwork? What now? I felt off-balanced. My parents wouldn't believe that their kid could do well at school without studying all the time. They wouldn't risk believing that there were more to education than plowing through every workbook available and attending every extra class. I cancelled all my classes, determined to mount a rebel and prove the adults wrong.
A few months passed. It was nice to breathe, not having to be the favorite child. There were surprisingly so many hours in a day, I could do whatever I wanted to!
"For the last time, why would you pay to argue with other people? Can't you just do some math problems?"
Already late, I waved mom goodbye, jumped on the bicycle, whistling all the way to a debate cafe. Life was good and full of things to do: joining debate clubs, volunteering at events, honing video game skills ("You're shooting at people again?"), taking karate classes. For the first time ever, I was learning for learning's sake, and I loved it. I was happy. There was much more knowledge outside school and exciting ways to gain them. My critical thinking and public speaking skills were refined, doing media work boosted my network, playing Assassin's Creed taught me history, and I learned the morals of a martial artist.Everything could be applied in school. In freetime, I enjoyed reading, hanging out, and helping with chores (I do), all while sparing enough time to sleep and do homework.
The report card came: I was not ranked highest in class, but my grades were pretty good. The teacher's feedback was amazing: good presentation skills, strong teamwork spirit, sparking off debates in class, and so on. Dad was convinced that I can rank high by studying in my own way, but having started on that path, I'm convinced that rankings were not everything. Ever since I broke out of my bubble and met new people, it became clear that however active and competent I am, if I let myself be confined to school alone, I could never grow to the fullest. A whole world's out there to be lived.
Looking back, I was proud of my decisions. Given the chance, I would definitely do what I feel just, not conforming to unreasonable expectations. I still have much to learn, but I know this: the textbooks are not dragging me down anymore - I'm using them to build a path, and, helping drowning people along the way, go further.
@Holt I know you're not ignoring me haha. This is just another draft. Again, is my tense usage okay?
I was basically disowned. One dreadful night, everything changed when the only son brought great dishonor unto the family and himself - I quit my extra classes. Yep.
"Then I'll wait right here to see how you keep up with the best students in this city!" - Dad shouted back - "Keep your words! Rank first!". He stormed off. And came back to slam the bedroom door.
When Mom and Dad threw a party for their favorite child who just got admitted to the most prestigious high school in Danang, they probably didn't expect me to break bad so soon. Dad beamed at me when he clinked his glass with mine, not knowing that his happiness was not shared. How could I be happy being suffocated in my studying schedule? I confronted him later that night to talk about the problem, things got heated and we - you know the rest of the story.
Letting out a sigh, I put down the pencil. A drowning kid with textbooks tied to his neck. An absent-minded painting. I didn't realize that I've been underwater for the last three years, studying 12 hours a day just so I could get into Le Quy Don High School for the Gifted. Is this "gift" the honor of fulfilling the duty of an Asian kid, the duty of listening to my parent and bury myself in schoolwork? What now? I felt off-balanced. My parents wouldn't believe that their kid could do well at school without studying all the time. They wouldn't risk believing that there were more to education than plowing through every workbook available and attending every extra class. I cancelled all my classes, determined to mount a rebel and prove the adults wrong.
A few months passed. It was nice to breathe, not having to be the favorite child. There were surprisingly so many hours in a day, I could do whatever I wanted to!
"For the last time, why would you pay to argue with other people? Can't you just do some math problems?"
Already late, I waved mom goodbye, jumped on the bicycle, whistling all the way to a debate cafe. Life was good and full of things to do: joining debate clubs, volunteering at events, honing video game skills ("You're shooting at people again?"), taking karate classes. For the first time ever, I was learning for learning's sake, and I loved it. I was happy. There was much more knowledge outside school and exciting ways to gain them. My critical thinking and public speaking skills were refined, doing media work boosted my network, playing Assassin's Creed taught me history, and I learned the morals of a martial artist.Everything could be applied in school. In freetime, I enjoyed reading, hanging out, and helping with chores (I do), all while sparing enough time to sleep and do homework.
The report card came: I was not ranked highest in class, but my grades were pretty good. The teacher's feedback was amazing: good presentation skills, strong teamwork spirit, sparking off debates in class, and so on. Dad was convinced that I can rank high by studying in my own way, but having started on that path, I'm convinced that rankings were not everything. Ever since I broke out of my bubble and met new people, it became clear that however active and competent I am, if I let myself be confined to school alone, I could never grow to the fullest. A whole world's out there to be lived.
Looking back, I was proud of my decisions. Given the chance, I would definitely do what I feel just, not conforming to unreasonable expectations. I still have much to learn, but I know this: the textbooks are not dragging me down anymore - I'm using them to build a path, and, helping drowning people along the way, go further.
ngokhoa99
Dec 29, 2016
Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]
I don't know if I'm weird or annoying to keep re-opening threads like this, but can you take another look? I wrote that draft when I was nodding off, and I was not really satisfied. Here's (probably) the final one. I'm not sure about my tense use. Is it okay to occasionally use present simple like this?
I was basically disowned. One dreadful night, everything changed when the only son brought great dishonor unto the family and himself: I cancelled all my extra classes. Yep.
"Then I'll wait right here to see how you keep up with the best students in this city!" - Dad shouted back - "Keep your words! Rank first!". He stormed off. And came back to slam my room's door.
When my family threw a party ...
I don't know if I'm weird or annoying to keep re-opening threads like this, but can you take another look? I wrote that draft when I was nodding off, and I was not really satisfied. Here's (probably) the final one. I'm not sure about my tense use. Is it okay to occasionally use present simple like this?
I was basically disowned. One dreadful night, everything changed when the only son brought great dishonor unto the family and himself: I cancelled all my extra classes. Yep.
"Then I'll wait right here to see how you keep up with the best students in this city!" - Dad shouted back - "Keep your words! Rank first!". He stormed off. And came back to slam my room's door.
When my family threw a party ...
ngokhoa99
Dec 27, 2016
Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]
"Well of course I'm not going to be able to keep up with other kids, because I will rank higher than them! Better yet, I will be the best one!". I shouted back. I instantly regretted it.
My dad stormed off. I dropped down on my bed, spreading like an eagle, probably because of the weight of my ego. I looked for an answer on the ceiling - how am I going to outdo the best students in the city?
When my family threw a party for their favorite child who just got admitted to the most prestigious high school in the city, they probably didn't expect me to break bad so soon. Looking at my dad's broad smile as he clinked his glass with mine, I doubted that he knew I didn't share much of his happiness. I confronted my dad later that night to talk about my studying schedule. You know the rest of the story.
After tossing and turning for the 293475th time, I got dressed and snuck out of the house. I needed to let off some steam. It was summer so I broke into my middle school easily, carrying a backpack with some spray cans, ready for some vandalism.
...and a final touch. There. A drowning kid with textbooks tied to his neck. I let out a sigh. I didn't realize that I've been underwater until lately. For the last 4 years, I've been waking up at 6, going to school at 7, going home at 11, going to extra classes at 3, going home at 9, going to bed at 12, and waking up at 6 again just so I can get into Le Quy Don High School for the Gifted. What gift? I've fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid: listening to my parent and burying my youth with textbooks. Now what? I felt empty. I can still get good grades without studying all the time, but my parents wouldn't believe me. They wouldn't risk it. They don't believe that there are ways of learning other than rote-learning and attending extra classes of certain teachers so they'll give higher scores. I will prove them wrong.
I painted over my self-portrait before I left - I guess I was still a well-behaved kid at heart. But I cancelled all my extra classes the next day. Apparently I'm not the favorite child anymore.
It was a warm fuzzy feeling. I didn't know that there was that much time in a day. I could do anything I wanted! - which was the exact opposite of what my parents wanted, though.
"For the last time, why would you pay to argue with other people? Can't you just do some math problems?"
I shrugged. The thing was, my homework was actually manageable without extra classes, but I took a guilty pleasure in seeing my dad stresses out and not being able to do anything. Plus, I was late for my debate session, so I got out of the house whistling.
I've been doing a lot of things: joining a debate club, volunteering at events, honing my video game skills ("You're shooting at people again?"), taking karate classes. I was happy. There was much more to learn outside school than I thought, and I learned them the way I wanted to. My critical thinking and public speaking skills were refined through debate sessions, doing media work at events boosted my network, playing Assassin's Creed taught me history, and I learned to meditate as a martial artist. I could apply much of my new knowledge in school: a new friend from university showed me how to analyze mathematical concepts, I could read more in my free time to get better at literature, for example. I made my schedule so that I could have enough time to sleep and do homework, and my efforts paid off.
The report card came: I was not ranked highest in class, but my grades were much higher than my dad's expectations. The feedback from my teacher was amazing - good presentation skills, strong teamwork spirit, sparking off debates in class, and so on. My mom knew I was happy, so she was happy too, but my dad was still unsatisfied. Well, I can't please everyone, but my scores are on the rise. Looking back, I was proud of the result of my actions, which made me grow tremendously as a person. Given the chance, I would definitely do what I feel just, not conforming to the unreasonable expectations. The textbooks are not dragging me down anymore - they are padding my road to my future.
What do you think?
"Well of course I'm not going to be able to keep up with other kids, because I will rank higher than them! Better yet, I will be the best one!". I shouted back. I instantly regretted it.
My dad stormed off. I dropped down on my bed, spreading like an eagle, probably because of the weight of my ego. I looked for an answer on the ceiling - how am I going to outdo the best students in the city?
When my family threw a party for their favorite child who just got admitted to the most prestigious high school in the city, they probably didn't expect me to break bad so soon. Looking at my dad's broad smile as he clinked his glass with mine, I doubted that he knew I didn't share much of his happiness. I confronted my dad later that night to talk about my studying schedule. You know the rest of the story.
After tossing and turning for the 293475th time, I got dressed and snuck out of the house. I needed to let off some steam. It was summer so I broke into my middle school easily, carrying a backpack with some spray cans, ready for some vandalism.
...and a final touch. There. A drowning kid with textbooks tied to his neck. I let out a sigh. I didn't realize that I've been underwater until lately. For the last 4 years, I've been waking up at 6, going to school at 7, going home at 11, going to extra classes at 3, going home at 9, going to bed at 12, and waking up at 6 again just so I can get into Le Quy Don High School for the Gifted. What gift? I've fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid: listening to my parent and burying my youth with textbooks. Now what? I felt empty. I can still get good grades without studying all the time, but my parents wouldn't believe me. They wouldn't risk it. They don't believe that there are ways of learning other than rote-learning and attending extra classes of certain teachers so they'll give higher scores. I will prove them wrong.
I painted over my self-portrait before I left - I guess I was still a well-behaved kid at heart. But I cancelled all my extra classes the next day. Apparently I'm not the favorite child anymore.
It was a warm fuzzy feeling. I didn't know that there was that much time in a day. I could do anything I wanted! - which was the exact opposite of what my parents wanted, though.
"For the last time, why would you pay to argue with other people? Can't you just do some math problems?"
I shrugged. The thing was, my homework was actually manageable without extra classes, but I took a guilty pleasure in seeing my dad stresses out and not being able to do anything. Plus, I was late for my debate session, so I got out of the house whistling.
I've been doing a lot of things: joining a debate club, volunteering at events, honing my video game skills ("You're shooting at people again?"), taking karate classes. I was happy. There was much more to learn outside school than I thought, and I learned them the way I wanted to. My critical thinking and public speaking skills were refined through debate sessions, doing media work at events boosted my network, playing Assassin's Creed taught me history, and I learned to meditate as a martial artist. I could apply much of my new knowledge in school: a new friend from university showed me how to analyze mathematical concepts, I could read more in my free time to get better at literature, for example. I made my schedule so that I could have enough time to sleep and do homework, and my efforts paid off.
The report card came: I was not ranked highest in class, but my grades were much higher than my dad's expectations. The feedback from my teacher was amazing - good presentation skills, strong teamwork spirit, sparking off debates in class, and so on. My mom knew I was happy, so she was happy too, but my dad was still unsatisfied. Well, I can't please everyone, but my scores are on the rise. Looking back, I was proud of the result of my actions, which made me grow tremendously as a person. Given the chance, I would definitely do what I feel just, not conforming to the unreasonable expectations. The textbooks are not dragging me down anymore - they are padding my road to my future.
What do you think?
ngokhoa99
Dec 27, 2016
Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]
Yeah I've been trying to write that but I find it hard to make the essay compelling you know. Can you suggest conflict for me to build and resolve? How do I make them admit I'm right?
Meanwhile, I'd like to make this one usable so I can be more confident and entirely focus on the other one. I have until this Saturday so time is short
Yeah I've been trying to write that but I find it hard to make the essay compelling you know. Can you suggest conflict for me to build and resolve? How do I make them admit I'm right?
Meanwhile, I'd like to make this one usable so I can be more confident and entirely focus on the other one. I have until this Saturday so time is short
ngokhoa99
Dec 27, 2016
Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]
@Holt I haven't made much progress with the new essay, so I figured I will fix this one. I've made a few changes so it can sound more like I challenged a belief. What do you think?
"I feel stupid - and contagious - here we are now - entertain us". Kurt Cobain was shouting into my ears as I spraypainted a wall. Hmm, smells like teen spirits. Taking my headphones off, I took a step back to look at my newest artwork: a kid drowning with textbooks tied to his neck. It still lacked something. The sight could be called unorthodox - the new captain of an English Language team appreciating vandalism at midnight in the schoolyard.
...
@Holt I haven't made much progress with the new essay, so I figured I will fix this one. I've made a few changes so it can sound more like I challenged a belief. What do you think?
"I feel stupid - and contagious - here we are now - entertain us". Kurt Cobain was shouting into my ears as I spraypainted a wall. Hmm, smells like teen spirits. Taking my headphones off, I took a step back to look at my newest artwork: a kid drowning with textbooks tied to his neck. It still lacked something. The sight could be called unorthodox - the new captain of an English Language team appreciating vandalism at midnight in the schoolyard.
...
ngokhoa99
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / Why Washington and Lee_"Is Lee the General?" [2]
The first paragraph doesn't do its job well, I think. If you learned about the school by talking with your friend, there's no need to refer to Lee.
What is this experience of yours that you talked about in the second paragraph? If you can elaborate it, your motivation will be more clear.
The first paragraph doesn't do its job well, I think. If you learned about the school by talking with your friend, there's no need to refer to Lee.
What is this experience of yours that you talked about in the second paragraph? If you can elaborate it, your motivation will be more clear.
ngokhoa99
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / 'There is no point in going to college.' Why UChicago - Purpose of education [3]
Nice essay! The hook at the beginning is well executed. You showed your research of the school throughout the essay.
But, I feel that between there should be some explanation of your "enlightenment", particularly between the third and fourth paragraph.
I assume you're not applying through Common App, but the website does limit your word count. Just a reminder if you're applying through CA for other schools.
Nice essay! The hook at the beginning is well executed. You showed your research of the school throughout the essay.
But, I feel that between there should be some explanation of your "enlightenment", particularly between the third and fourth paragraph.
I assume you're not applying through Common App, but the website does limit your word count. Just a reminder if you're applying through CA for other schools.
ngokhoa99
Dec 25, 2016
ngokhoa99
Dec 24, 2016
Undergraduate / I believe that diligence and hard-working is vital. [5]
I'm quite confused after reading your essay. You answered the prompt literally, listing 6 (I think?) values and beliefs that you hold strongly to, but they don't connect at all. You need coherence in structure as well as content to show the reader what kind of a person you are. These beliefs are poorly developed and does not bear any significance, even though they can. For example, how do the minor glitches apply to other aspects of your life?
Don't say what you are, but show why and how. Sentences like "I'm enthusiastic and passionate about learning new things" should be omitted to leave space for the evidence that you are enthusiastic.
Also, I think you have a tendency to repeat what you just said(diligence - hardworking, enthusiastic - passionate, and even whole clauses) and use curt sentences. The style can definitely be improved.
Your friend committing suicide is a really sensitive issue, so you should only include it in your essay if it has any purpose. I don't think it does in this draft.
I'm quite confused after reading your essay. You answered the prompt literally, listing 6 (I think?) values and beliefs that you hold strongly to, but they don't connect at all. You need coherence in structure as well as content to show the reader what kind of a person you are. These beliefs are poorly developed and does not bear any significance, even though they can. For example, how do the minor glitches apply to other aspects of your life?
Don't say what you are, but show why and how. Sentences like "I'm enthusiastic and passionate about learning new things" should be omitted to leave space for the evidence that you are enthusiastic.
Also, I think you have a tendency to repeat what you just said(diligence - hardworking, enthusiastic - passionate, and even whole clauses) and use curt sentences. The style can definitely be improved.
Your friend committing suicide is a really sensitive issue, so you should only include it in your essay if it has any purpose. I don't think it does in this draft.
ngokhoa99
Dec 24, 2016
Undergraduate / Lafayette College Supplement: "Why Lafayette?" "Why do you do what you do?" [11]
Unless you're going to pay full tuition for Lafayette and donate even more to ensure your admission, it would be better to write your essay in a non-IELTS manner. I know you're good at IELTS but giving reasons like "first", "also", "furthermore" and discussing undeveloped aspects is not going to help you. With the 200-word limit, try to dig deeper into a lower number of aspects.
Unless you're going to pay full tuition for Lafayette and donate even more to ensure your admission, it would be better to write your essay in a non-IELTS manner. I know you're good at IELTS but giving reasons like "first", "also", "furthermore" and discussing undeveloped aspects is not going to help you. With the 200-word limit, try to dig deeper into a lower number of aspects.
ngokhoa99
Dec 24, 2016
Undergraduate / Tufts supplement: Something that I created [7]
I guess I'll have to explain how to access the page directly to the admission office, probably through email. The word limit is 250 words and I'm already at 248 with that draft.
Thanks for reading!
I guess I'll have to explain how to access the page directly to the admission office, probably through email. The word limit is 250 words and I'm already at 248 with that draft.
Thanks for reading!
ngokhoa99
Dec 24, 2016
Undergraduate / Tufts supplement: Something that I created [7]
I run it on Facebook since I can't afford to pay for a domain. But still, I can include an active link in the essay? Shouldn't it be at some other place?
I run it on Facebook since I can't afford to pay for a domain. But still, I can include an active link in the essay? Shouldn't it be at some other place?
ngokhoa99
Dec 24, 2016
Undergraduate / Tufts supplement: Something that I created [7]
@Holt
Whether you've built blanket forts or circuit boards, produced community theater or mixed media art installations, tell us: what have you invented, engineered, created, or designed? Or what do you hope to?(200-250 words)
The Galileoscope is a small, inexpensive telescope, designed with the intention of increasing public interest in astronomy and science. Looking through the lens, millions of people can see what Galileo Galilei saw. There couldn't be a better name for my online newspaper.
I believe that the attention science deserves from young people is only obstructed by uninitiated inquisitiveness. The independent acquisition of information is neglected in our school system, rendering students unmotivated to update themself on the latest development of the world. As an attempt to spark their curiosity, my friend and I started a newspaper that aims to provide new findings accompanied by basic knowledge in various fields. What makes our content different from the existing resources is its authentic teenage tone, its references to the lastest celebrity gossips and internet memes, and in my school, it succeeded in giving people a good laugh while throwing in some new knowledge.
I intend to expand the subjects of The Galileoscope to include opinion articles and controversial issues, like political corruption and the violation of human rights in Vietnam, in the near future. Galileo spoke the truth he saw through his telescope, and he was burned alive for it. That didn't matter to him. Like his own, our telescope will be dedicated to what we believe in. As it's handed from one person to another, as it's polished and reinvented, I hope it will become something that does not only help young people see, but also help them speak.
Please review my essay. Thanks for your help!
@Holt
Whether you've built blanket forts or circuit boards, produced community theater or mixed media art installations, tell us: what have you invented, engineered, created, or designed? Or what do you hope to?(200-250 words)
The Galileoscope
The Galileoscope is a small, inexpensive telescope, designed with the intention of increasing public interest in astronomy and science. Looking through the lens, millions of people can see what Galileo Galilei saw. There couldn't be a better name for my online newspaper.
I believe that the attention science deserves from young people is only obstructed by uninitiated inquisitiveness. The independent acquisition of information is neglected in our school system, rendering students unmotivated to update themself on the latest development of the world. As an attempt to spark their curiosity, my friend and I started a newspaper that aims to provide new findings accompanied by basic knowledge in various fields. What makes our content different from the existing resources is its authentic teenage tone, its references to the lastest celebrity gossips and internet memes, and in my school, it succeeded in giving people a good laugh while throwing in some new knowledge.
I intend to expand the subjects of The Galileoscope to include opinion articles and controversial issues, like political corruption and the violation of human rights in Vietnam, in the near future. Galileo spoke the truth he saw through his telescope, and he was burned alive for it. That didn't matter to him. Like his own, our telescope will be dedicated to what we believe in. As it's handed from one person to another, as it's polished and reinvented, I hope it will become something that does not only help young people see, but also help them speak.
Please review my essay. Thanks for your help!
ngokhoa99
Dec 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / The total download (in 1000s) from three computer packages in five weeks period [4]
Please include the picture or the link to the picture of the chart you're describing.
Without the graph, I notice that you tend to describe the trend of a value first and then just list out its consecutive figures. It would be better if you can cut down on the numbers and describe the trend WHILE giving out the numbers. This is an example:
Throughout the period, Active X accounted for a significantly higher number of downloads compared to the other two, as its figure increased consistently from 75000 in the first week.
Please include the picture or the link to the picture of the chart you're describing.
Without the graph, I notice that you tend to describe the trend of a value first and then just list out its consecutive figures. It would be better if you can cut down on the numbers and describe the trend WHILE giving out the numbers. This is an example:
Throughout the period, Active X accounted for a significantly higher number of downloads compared to the other two, as its figure increased consistently from 75000 in the first week.
ngokhoa99
Dec 23, 2016
ngokhoa99
Dec 23, 2016
Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]
I don't know which one to choose so I tried to write both. This one is the ICP story:
Tufts' ICP, like everything else I learned about the school, highlights the values cherished by Tufts students. Jumbo's promote diversity, acceptance, compassion, and a sense of social justice surpassing political correctness. Small gestures like showing someone how to carve a pumpkin signify a conscious effort to welcome new identities and learn about them, a direction that I've been heading for in my adolescent years. When I discussed studying International Relations abroad with my Tufts alumna teacher, Hilary Hilaries, she told me I would fit in at Tufts. I'd prefer to stand out. It's what Tuft is all about.
This one is the alumna story:
This past summer, I reconnected with my teacher Hilary Hilaries to discuss studying International Relations abroad. As a Tufts alumna herself, Hilary suggested me to look up her school, and sure enough, I did fall in love with it like she did. Having always admired her for promoting her culture halfway around the globe, I was thrilled at the prospect of joining thousands of people who shared the same sense of social justice and diversity that I've been striving to recreate. Hilary told me I would fit in, but I'd prefer to stand out. It's what Tufts is all about.
I don't know which one to choose so I tried to write both. This one is the ICP story:
Tufts' ICP, like everything else I learned about the school, highlights the values cherished by Tufts students. Jumbo's promote diversity, acceptance, compassion, and a sense of social justice surpassing political correctness. Small gestures like showing someone how to carve a pumpkin signify a conscious effort to welcome new identities and learn about them, a direction that I've been heading for in my adolescent years. When I discussed studying International Relations abroad with my Tufts alumna teacher, Hilary Hilaries, she told me I would fit in at Tufts. I'd prefer to stand out. It's what Tuft is all about.
This one is the alumna story:
This past summer, I reconnected with my teacher Hilary Hilaries to discuss studying International Relations abroad. As a Tufts alumna herself, Hilary suggested me to look up her school, and sure enough, I did fall in love with it like she did. Having always admired her for promoting her culture halfway around the globe, I was thrilled at the prospect of joining thousands of people who shared the same sense of social justice and diversity that I've been striving to recreate. Hilary told me I would fit in, but I'd prefer to stand out. It's what Tufts is all about.
ngokhoa99
Dec 23, 2016
Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]
I still feel like that "stand out" part should be at the end of the essay for some reason. You also said that those are strong final words so...
And I have only 10 or less words to make this last sentence (7 words in this version to be exact). Is the word "resonate" enough to point out that I have something in common with the school?
I still feel like that "stand out" part should be at the end of the essay for some reason. You also said that those are strong final words so...
And I have only 10 or less words to make this last sentence (7 words in this version to be exact). Is the word "resonate" enough to point out that I have something in common with the school?
ngokhoa99
Dec 23, 2016
Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]
You mean like this?
This past summer, I reconnected with my 10th grade teacher Hilary Hilaries to discuss studying International Relations abroad. Being a Tufts alumna herself, Hilary suggested me to look up her school, and sure enough, I did fall in love with it like she did. She told me I would fit in, but I'd prefer to stand out.
The school's ICP, like everything else I learned about Tufts, highlights the values cherished by the students, which I really resonate with. Jumbo's promote diversity, acceptance, compassion, and a sense of social justice surpassing political correctness.
You mean like this?
This past summer, I reconnected with my 10th grade teacher Hilary Hilaries to discuss studying International Relations abroad. Being a Tufts alumna herself, Hilary suggested me to look up her school, and sure enough, I did fall in love with it like she did. She told me I would fit in, but I'd prefer to stand out.
The school's ICP, like everything else I learned about Tufts, highlights the values cherished by the students, which I really resonate with. Jumbo's promote diversity, acceptance, compassion, and a sense of social justice surpassing political correctness.
ngokhoa99
Dec 23, 2016
Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]
This past summer, I reconnected with my 10th grade teacher Hilary Hilaries to discuss studying International Relations abroad. Being a Tufts alumna herself, Hilary suggested me to look up her school, and sure enough, I did fall in love with it like she did.
...
This ICP is a program that pair up international students with U.S students to help them integrate into a new culture, as well as sharing their own. I think it underlines the Tufts value. What do you think? This is 96 words
I feel like the last statement is missing something....
This past summer, I reconnected with my 10th grade teacher Hilary Hilaries to discuss studying International Relations abroad. Being a Tufts alumna herself, Hilary suggested me to look up her school, and sure enough, I did fall in love with it like she did.
...
This ICP is a program that pair up international students with U.S students to help them integrate into a new culture, as well as sharing their own. I think it underlines the Tufts value. What do you think? This is 96 words
I feel like the last statement is missing something....
ngokhoa99
Dec 22, 2016
Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]
Okay the dialogue is cut. But I when I talk about Tufts' social scene I feel like being humorous (the Tufts essay website actually invites people to be funny). The question is: are my sentences funny? (imagine you work in college admission) If not I think I'll rewrite everything.
@Holt It's okay haha I'm not that attached to my essays. Here's a 107-word version. I'm asking for a lot of financial aid so I figure the party and fun image wouldn't work too well
This past summer, I reconnected with my 10th grade English teacher Hilary Hilaries when I was looking for schools abroad. Being a Tufts alumna herself, Hilary suggested me to look up her school, and sure enough, I fell in love with it like she did.
What most strongly magnetizes me is not Tufts' ...
Okay the dialogue is cut. But I when I talk about Tufts' social scene I feel like being humorous (the Tufts essay website actually invites people to be funny). The question is: are my sentences funny? (imagine you work in college admission) If not I think I'll rewrite everything.
@Holt It's okay haha I'm not that attached to my essays. Here's a 107-word version. I'm asking for a lot of financial aid so I figure the party and fun image wouldn't work too well
This past summer, I reconnected with my 10th grade English teacher Hilary Hilaries when I was looking for schools abroad. Being a Tufts alumna herself, Hilary suggested me to look up her school, and sure enough, I fell in love with it like she did.
What most strongly magnetizes me is not Tufts' ...
ngokhoa99
Dec 22, 2016
Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]
I really like this version! However, I'm applying through Common App as it is required, and the website does count exact words. If I paste 101 words it will refuse to submit my essay.
Is there anything else we can cut out?
Which aspects of Tufts' curriculum or undergraduate experience prompt your application?
"Why Tufts?" (Required length is 50-100 words)
The requirement is 50-100 words. My first draft was 111
Here's a 112-word version. I have pointed out the ideas I want to convey so you can have a better picture:
"Then definitely check out my school." - My teacher Hilary Hilaries advised. She was a Tufts alumna who taught me in 10th grade.(She was from Tufts) We reconnected this past summer when I was looking for schools abroad - "We have one of the best International Relations(my interest) programs in America. You'll fit in just fine!(Hilary thinks I'm suitable for Tufts) There's a MUN and a Debate Society(my interests) for you, and the only complaint I have is they don't let us run around naked anymore(humor, school info) .",
Well, I don't mind being clothed in a Pizza Run(humor, school update) instead. Tufts does have the best of both worlds. With a Globalizations concentration(interest, school update, this is a new concentration) and a mud-sliding minor(humor, activities info) , I intend to make the best years of my life there.
I really like this version! However, I'm applying through Common App as it is required, and the website does count exact words. If I paste 101 words it will refuse to submit my essay.
Is there anything else we can cut out?
Which aspects of Tufts' curriculum or undergraduate experience prompt your application?
"Why Tufts?" (Required length is 50-100 words)
The requirement is 50-100 words. My first draft was 111
Here's a 112-word version. I have pointed out the ideas I want to convey so you can have a better picture:
"Then definitely check out my school." - My teacher Hilary Hilaries advised. She was a Tufts alumna who taught me in 10th grade.(She was from Tufts) We reconnected this past summer when I was looking for schools abroad - "We have one of the best International Relations(my interest) programs in America. You'll fit in just fine!(Hilary thinks I'm suitable for Tufts) There's a MUN and a Debate Society(my interests) for you, and the only complaint I have is they don't let us run around naked anymore(humor, school info) .",
Well, I don't mind being clothed in a Pizza Run(humor, school update) instead. Tufts does have the best of both worlds. With a Globalizations concentration(interest, school update, this is a new concentration) and a mud-sliding minor(humor, activities info) , I intend to make the best years of my life there.