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Posts by restuanlubis [Suspended]
Name: Restuan Lubis
Joined: Mar 26, 2017
Last Post: Apr 25, 2017
Threads: 4
Posts: 7  
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From: Indonesia
School: Muslim University Indonesia

Displayed posts: 11
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restuanlubis   
Apr 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / Criminalism and various measures to lower this anomaly [2]

QUESTION: Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening and what the measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

an effective solution for very important issue



Criminalism still exist in almost countries in the world. In contrast, if a country established a well-standard sentence, it might happen. It is no doubt that many crime agents commit more crime after got the first sentence. I personally convince that this notion and claimed had caused by the lack of sentence standard. Hence, improving the punishment of quality can deter this problem.

The lack of standard in prison tend to generated resistant villain - a crime agent does not afraid of punishment so result in offender again. According to some news that I read, they had a resistant to prison because it preserving an enjoyed there. As a result, they did not feel some punishments, after got the punishment they will come to natural behavior. Taking my friend, Mr. Swandy who was a robber wallet as an example. He reveals to me after he caught, a prison is a comfortable place, everything basic necessary was preserving there. In fact, after got the sentence over 2 weeks, he robbers a laptop again.

Improving and adding punishment quality is the best way to tackle the problem. Reliance on the evidence, a significant effect of deterring this problem is enhancing sentence. In term of pretty crime, many countries give equal with the heavy of crime. Imprison offender during 3 months is common punishment for petty crime such robber. Hence, a national government might create or increase the punishment standard make longer stay in the prison and create a physic punishment like cut off man's hand as punishment for stealing - a sentence already had established in the kingdom of Arab Saudi, effective to reduce robbing cases.

All in all, reliance on the evidence, the lack of sentence standard will trigger or made a resistance characteristic to an offender committed the crime. On the other hand, Improving and adding punishment estimate an effective solution that carried out by the government.
restuanlubis   
Apr 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / causes and measures for offenders who commit more crimes after serving the first punishment [3]

@agus_mono
Your essay manage is going with well. Explaining data is solid.
I thought the idea should be described with a strong claim also may you adding some examples or make a comparison (the second paragraph).

I suggest you make it into emphasizing to show that it is very important used by putting it the first sentence.
The proposed effective solution is giving rehabilitation program during serving prison.
Rehabilitation program during serving prison is the proposed effective solution.
restuanlubis   
Apr 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 - causes and solution for offender commit more crimers after they was free [2]

@Diahkn93
Your essay idea managing is good.
As your request first and foremost your introduce, I think there are several mistaken showed by your essay,
There are many problems causeS by a criminal.
Mostly half of them used to...
Mostly = adverb, it is inappropriate
it should be Adjective (Most)
For the rest your essay:
Please pay more attention in Subject-verb Agreement
restuanlubis   
Apr 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / The percentage of three kind of items which were purchased by consumers [5]

@syamsiahRahim
Your essay manage is going with well. Explaining data is solid,
the overview I thought it is repetition in the last sentence:
... had the lowest spending money that consumers spent in those countries.

I suggest you make it into emphasizing to show that it is very important.
"The highest expenditure is Turkey" it is better if you said "Turkey is The highest expenditure".

Pay more attention with capital letter
People of All of those countries spent
restuanlubis   
Apr 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / The provided table illustrates about people have expenditure on different goods in 2002 [2]

@tamtamii
Your essay manage is going with well. Sadly, it is too short only more 2 words, that is clearly that you only write within 152 words, accordance with IELTS information that is to get higher band score your essay should be around 160-180 words.

The second paragraph experience a bit confusion in the first sentence:
Turkey, Ireland, and Spain figure were majority proportion regarding?
Because of these countries not only showed related with one specific good which generated as the major country.

Similar to next paragraph.
restuanlubis   
Mar 29, 2017
Writing Feedback / The alteration of expenditure in local government of Someland over 30-year period [3]

IELTS WRITING TASK 1 : The three charts below show the changes in annual spending in Somelands

The pie charts compare the alteration of expenditure in local government of Someland over 30-year period. Overall, almost all features were dominated by higher education but the smallest proportion of fund had spent by other parts. The total amount of expenditure decreased dramatically from 1980 to 2000 by both K-12 education and other features while environmental service increase gradually.

At the beginning of the 30-year period, the figures for higher education and K-12 education spent just over a half. By the end of 30 years, the former had risen by 5 percent while the latter had fallen dramatically. Moreover, the amount of expenditure had decreased steadily about one in twenty such as other parts while environmental services had risen gradually.

A more detail looks at pie chart reveals that the number of transportation and number of human resources fluctuated. Between 1980 and 1990, the former decreased while the latter increased. Furthermore, from 1990 to 2000 the number of those outgoing to transportation had risen, while the number of those spending on human resource had sharply fallen.




restuanlubis   
Mar 29, 2017
Writing Feedback / How to produce variation tealeaves [4]

@tamtamii

hi Tami, your essay has a compact idea that turn into nice writing. Unfortunately, sometimes you forget to make clear that you tend to write while your writing is over explain that mentioned in the passage.

For example:

-starting with plucking the leaf and culminating in an oven > culminating in drying
solution; make it balance out between sides, also "oven" is not process but it is something.

-the leaves are withered by sun. "sun" is not mentioned in the diagram despite withering is a process to drying.

keep writing
bonne courage
restuanlubis   
Mar 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / Two Shops: The maps below show the village of Stokeford in 1930 and 2010 [3]

Two Shops



The map illustrates regarding to altering the Stoke village in 1930 and 2010. It can be seen that both in the western and eastern of the village had changed.

In the past, 1930, the western land between the River Stoke and a long side road had dominated by Farmland and two shops. By the time, in 2010, not only a long side farmland but also two shops had removed due to erect housing. Furthermore, it is clear that expanding some little road has constructed also.

On the other hand, instead of at opposite the road, there are three changes in eastern side of the road in 2010. Firstly, similar to western side, farmland which located behind the primary school had constructed into houses and expanded on the road. Secondly, the primary school had expanded on three buildings. Lastly, the large house that was located in behind garden had turned into retirement house.




restuanlubis   
Mar 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / New buildings - The maps below show village of Stokeford in 1930 and 2010 [3]

@Diahkn93
Hi dear, your essay constructed very solid insight and but you need more pay attention into grammatical range and accuracy.

the first paragraph.
"The maps represent of the small ..." ----- there is no verb in this sentence.
It should be "The maps represent the small print at same city with two difference in years"
Also,
The first map interpret city in year 1930 "The first map interprets city in year 1930" since subject is singular.

The second paragraph.
You have to constantly use same tenses. If you use past perfect, you should use same tenses in the next sentence.
".. and large house settled at far of eastern area.." ---> "...and large house had settled at far of eastern area..."
restuanlubis   
Mar 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / Change in town - the alteration of Stokeford village in 1930 and 2010. [4]

@septyndid

you have done with well your essay.

Overall, you built a good lexical resource and grammatical range, but some word may be repetitive for instance:

the third paragraph: ........it was expanded in 2010 and ....... expanded into a retirement ------> develop or enlarge

Also still stay focus on same tenses:

the second paragraph:

there were shops that close the office in 1930 ------> closed the office in 1930

keep writing, break a leg
restuanlubis   
Mar 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / Replacing Factories : The map below shows the alteration in an US town between over 62 years [3]

Review of changes in an American town



The maps illustrate regarding to comparing the alteration of American town in 1948 and 2010. It can be seen that both left side and right side of the canal had changed since commercial sector.

In the past, there was enormous number factories, residential, garden and local supermarket setting up at the left side of the canal which is replaceable. In 2010, however, almost these sectors have rebuilt into a specific function such as commercial building were replace from local supermarket. Also, Airport was constructed by replacing several factories. Besides, the garden in which a side part of factory was turned into the supermarket. Finally, commercial building opposite road was erected by replacing residential and local supermarket.

On the other hand, at the right side of the canal. There was a slight alteration of buildings in 2010. Only church which is located in a corner side canal and road has replaced on sports stadium. Henceforth, the number of residential houses all remained stable



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