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Posts by Wakalanud
Name: Heru Subagja
Joined: Sep 5, 2017
Last Post: Sep 23, 2017
Threads: 3
Posts: 7  
Likes: 3
From: Indonesia

Displayed posts: 10
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Sep 23, 2017
Writing Feedback / Genetic engineering is an important issue in modern society. [3]

Genetic engineering is an important issue in modern society. Some people think that it will improve people's live in many way others feel that it may be a threat to life on earth.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

genetics in service to improve the quality of human life

The development of Genetic Modification technique brings some problem among society. Some people tend to believe that the use of this method will improve the qualities of a human life by modifying the human DNA to resist from the chronic diseases, while others more agree if this way can be danger for living creature since the limitation of the genetic can be stagnant. However, this writing strongly believes that modifying genes are good for human's problems.

In a science world, the scientist race one another in finding and solving human problems regarding enhancing human's live by modification of DNA. By doing this activity, the majority of researchers believe that this scientific research can help people against some diseases even before the baby is born by analyzing the gene as soon as possible. All the children will be born with healthy and resistant from the illness. For example, a lot of develop countries make an abortion become legal rule for certain condition to tackle down the issue of the hereditary disease or not, like leukemia or heart attack.

Apart from the previous explanation, having limited genetic diversity also threatens for the humankind. Having high price for do the treatment for a sufferer of chronic diseases will limited the diversity of gene, due to the one who may only affordable for this is the rich. For example, by the survey of WHO in 2016 revealed that 70% of people in 2050 remaining same person dominated by the rich, thanks to the cloning therapy toward genetic modifier. This is a detrimental scene for human life, remembering that the rich will monopolize it, while the poor will be die slowly.

To sum up, the pro and contrast will be happen among societies in respond the usage of genetically modified for improving the human qualities. Weather a chronic disease from parents or not, it is no longer become a frightening case for human, although, the genetic engineering may limit the variation of the gene.
Sep 23, 2017

hay @Wontaeyoung

better if you avoid to use the word it as opening word, although you can, it is not really strong word for academic, also for the word we that you use in paragraph 2 better if you change it.

The development of economic is undeniable key for both nation's growth and citizens' quality of life.

No one can nullify the benefits from the economic development can bring about.

... and also to improve the other nation's other fields such as (...) advancement, and military power.

They can implement a law enforcement for the companies to curb carbon emissions, to confine utilization of natural resources, and to refine chemical waste before releasing.

your conclusion did not develop well, you should paraphrase your main idea from the introduction, and also put some main idea about what did you discuss from body paragraph 1 & 2 (not include a detail)
Sep 21, 2017
Writing Feedback / A Time Bomb in Wildlife Existence - IELTS Writing Academic Task 2 [8]

hay @ayibramI

it is good for you, because you can manage to write more than 250 words for the first time in writing task 2.

i cannot say much since you failed to answer what the prompt asked about. Please reading and watching some sources related to the outline of Writing Task 2 because it will help you to understand more about IELTS writing task 2. Moreover, paying attention carefully to your grammar accuracy, for example in your first sentence, paragraph 1, the advance development this phrase completely wrong.

Furthermore, your English still sounds like Bahasa and do not have clear explanation. For example, This action will damage our nature as our source of dozen animals and plants come. what kinds of source those animal and plants are?. Be careful to use cohesive device like listing idea "first" in paragraph 1. since you use this kind of term mean that you suppose to mention another ideas, in fact you do not.
Sep 20, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Debatable Issue of Genetic Engineering [5]

hay @ditoaji

I think this "World's livestock and availability of ..." sentence quite confusing and it is hard to understand especially for this sentence but neither safety factor nor environmentally aspect of its several products

A majority of people come [...] to crops on earth, as the soil is no longer prolific. this paragraph does not answer for the second clues. ever since, the prompt asking about the Other feel that it may be a threat to life on earth. or we can say "what negative side can effect the living creature in the earth.

As seen in early twenties centuries, Australia successfully....... need comma after the centuries

Furthermore,a typical of difficult (...) a possible benefits, in addition to ... this sentence is not really good and clear enough to express your thought.

While an improvement is believed by some, who is the some that you mention it? Please avoiding the ambiguity word, better if you directly mentioned the person, etc.

those products
Sep 20, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IELTS writing task 2] Performance enhancing drugs : causes and effects? [4]

hay @hgianghgiang

better if you avoid the use of it in front of the sentence because it will make the reader confused, since there is no explanation before to refer what sentences mention. Your first idea in first paragraph does not develop well, it supposes to have more reasons or explanations, while you directly jump to the second idea marked by secondly.

better if you change the word study after study have pointed out to "recent studies" have pointed out because it seems waste word. Remembering that you already reached the minimum word of writing task 2.
Sep 7, 2017
Writing Feedback / Harm fume gases from private cars' bring some serious problems [IELTS WR Task 2] [3]

The proliferation of private cars on the roads in many parts of the world has led to serious problem of pollution and may contribute to global warming.

Some people think the government should spend money for the development of public transportation system in order to help alleviate this problem. Others think it is better to spend money for the development of electric types of cars that many cause less pollution

Discuss both views


'kill the bird with one stone' method

Pollution from vehicle is the one of the biggest triggers for the climate change and the lungs cancer that people have to face. It also brings some contradiction in society where the budget is better to spend in evolving the type of electric cars while this essay agrees that the police maker should concern about the increasing the public transportation to control the rate of pollution.

Developing the public transportation system can become the solution for decreasing pollution. Adding the new or renovating the old mass transportation can be a good campaign to attract the people to use it. Taking a developed country such as Germany as an example, where the reason why the society prefers to use mass transportation rather than private cars, it is very comfortable and it was proven if this strategy can control the rate of pollution.

Although developing electric cars can be viable solution to overcome this problem, the government should consider before choosing this option. Remembering not whole countries, especially in developing countries, are supported with electricity to recharge the cars or to replace the gas cars, this approach will surely need large budget. Despite changing the gas car into electric, the government prefers to increase the other sector that might be more crucial to handle rather than this matter.

In conclusion, renovating or adding the new public transportation to encourage the people to use it as like kill the bird with one stone for the government beside to control pollution rate also to give sense of comfort to the society. While electric cars has limited access in several areas and many consideration have to cogitate.
Sep 6, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Brutality in the media makes people more aggresive? [5]

hai @Skychelcy, better if you rewrite your conclusion, it seems like you did not paraphrase your statement clearly, you only repeating it from intro and putting some additional words ,furthermore, you did not cover what had you said in your body paragraph.

Pay more attention for choosing some vocabularies, such as, "Human beings have a tendency to imitate what movies show them. They believe the media" better if you said media as general and putting movies as specific term in example. for me, movies already include in media, i guess.

your first and second paragraph, there is no differences, you seems like just copy it and change the vocab, but what did you want to say still same, better if you do brainstorming before start to write
Sep 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: Freedom in art. I mostly agree with this idea. [4]

hay @tran14, i'm also not really good at writing, but i just want to share what i know.

1. Better if you write down no more than 270 words because as many as word you write, many mistakes will appear and it will impact on your score.

2. better if you reduce to use cohesive device, if i'm not mistaken there are 9 cohesive devices that you use in first paragraph and it is not really good i guess.
Sep 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / Diagram process of headland erosion (IELTS writing task 1) [2]

stages of headland erosion

The stages of headland erosion are showed in diagram process. As it can be seen that 4 consecutive stages due to natural process become the one of reason for this cause.

Initially, the erosion of headland happens in faint spot-rock. The natural process like sea water become the main case of this problem that subsequently hit the body of headland. Because of this phenomenon, small and medium hole is made in a surface. As time goes by, the medium former cave transform into arch that connecting the other side of current wave and tend to like door or Dorset, while the small one getting bigger.

Apart from the previous explanation, the successive waves knocking down the headland roof in moderate cave and leaving a stack that far from coastline. The previous little cave is also created and connected to both side of the cape. In the last stages, the headland come closer to the shore which neglect the stack and stump behind.