Posts by catalyst0435

catalyst0435

Sep 13, 2009

Undergraduate / I learned to enjoy spending hours after school running and spending time with my team mates [7]

This essay has very little direction until the very last sentence.

While others gladly took sleep over morning practice, I was striving to attain the physical fitness and character necessary to succeed in other challenges I planned to face.

Now, that's a good sentence and a good thing to tell colleges about yourself. But it's the only development the essay sees.

When I write stuff like this, I tend to view it like a game. Set up all your pieces into perfect positions, like the potential energy of a spring. And then jump on it! There's a lot of setting up in this essay, a lot of promise (mixed in with a lot of ostensibly useless stuff), but there's no end goal or direction to it all. Like a sadly unfinished game of chess... :(

catalyst0435

Sep 13, 2009

Undergraduate / Intro to CommonApp Essay "Evaluate a significant experience & its impact on you" [11]

I'm with llama on this one. Citing a dictionary definition to start an essay is, in my opinion, overused and underpowered. Even if you end up using it, only one of the three definitions cited are really applicable, so why not just say that one? Saves seven words at the beginning and a whole sentence whose sole purpose is to identify the applicable definition.

This occurrence is one that has continued to mold and build me throughout my short lifetime.

I took the ACT yesterday. This kind of sentence, where a writer uses two verbs that mean practically the same thing in the context of the sentence, is one of their favorites.

If there is anyone thing that this significant experience has taught me, it is to carry on, despite hardships~~, and responsibility for ones future.~~

There are two ways to interpret this sentence because of the three clauses at the end and the faulty parallelism.
1) It has taught you "to carry on and responsibility for one's future"? That makes no sense since responsibility is not a verb. So it must be...

2) It has taught you "to carry on, despite responsibility for ones future"? That seems like it wouldn't be a good thing. But you put a comma between hardships and "and," so this also doesn't make sense. It could be...

3) It has taught you to carry on and to take responsibility for your future. This is probably what you're shooting for. But in this case, you need a verb for "responsibility;" it can't just hang out there.

By the way, the definition probably "evokes" a part of your life, not invoke. Unless a part of your past life is a deity that can be summoned to help you. Instead of saying "the one expression that seems to jump from the page" and later tell us it's the last one, you could be more economical with your words by merely stating "..., it's "to endure" that seems to jump from the page..."

It evokes parts of your life like a projector "evokes" a movie? I don't like the analogy here (it's written badly in the first place because you don't have a verb that the projector is doing, you just say "like a projector to a movie screen"). But since I suggest you just ditch all the extraneous definitions at the beginning, you can sweep away all this sentence's problems by the push of the delete key.

catalyst0435

Sep 10, 2009

Undergraduate / "faculty ratio and more" - UCF Admissions Essay [10]

I believe that if somebody asks the people who know me best, they will describe me as a hardworking and goal-oriented type of person.

"If you ask people who know me, I bet they will describe me as a hardworking, goal-oriented person."
But I'd ditch the "if you ask people who know me" part... You either assume that people think a certain way about you, or you have to include a verb ("bet") that weakens your claim.

Throughout my life, I have always stayed true to myself.

Awfully cliche

I was reminded time and time again that I didn't need a job.

"Time and time again" is another inefficient and cliched use of words. Who told you this? You can make the sentence more active if you said, "My (mom) consistently reminded me that I didn't need a job."

I told my family that since dad passed away a few years back, that this job will make me a stronger person.

Explain this; it's not overtly clear how helping your family makes *you* a stronger person.

I have set numerous goals in life and will let no one get in my way of achieving them. Whether it's at school or work, I'm the type of person that will make sure that everything that was assigned to me is complete. If I don't complete everything, I feel as if I didn't accomplish a thing.

This makes you seem like you are obsessively perfectionist, and have a Self-Defeating personality disorder if you fail to accomplish every facet of your goal. I think just removing the last sentence will soften it a bit.

The conclusion... ties your qualities back to what they can do for UCF. And apparently, what they can do is show people never to give up. See how that's a bit circumstantial? If your anecdote had been about how your persistence made *other* people persistent, this would tie in better. Or if your tie-up in the end was how your persistence and work could somehow benefit the UCF community through some public service or other. But as it stands, the quality and the relevance to UCF are disconnected.

catalyst0435

Sep 8, 2009

Undergraduate / Essay on Persistence [5]

Just the first sentence is unnecessarily long. You don't have to restate the prompt here, the admissions officer knows you're talking about a specific event in your life that reinforced your level of persistence, because that's what the prompt is asking for.

catalyst0435

Sep 8, 2009

Undergraduate / "my obstacle was acne" UCF Essay [12]

jojo2fly:
Now I realize that my acne was a gift.
^If the acne was a gift as you say, then why, why, would you choose to discuss it as an obstacle that you faced? Obstacles are not gifts.

^I think that things can be gifts and curses. The fact that she specifies "Now I realize that my acne was a gift" indicates she had once thought of her acne as a curse, but now accept it as a gift. An obstacle... that became a platform off which she claims she learned humility.

That said, I don't see in this essay an explanation of how your acne humbled you. You weren't elitist in the first place. Maybe you're trying to say that your acne ended up making you realize that people weren't "evil white racists" after all, and that you shouldn't have prejudged them on that fact. If so, that needs to be made clearer. You shouldn't end saying you feel ashamed that you were ignorant. I don't think that acne and racism can really be bundled together like this.

Oh, and this essay ends on a pretty depressing note. I wouldn't conclude by saying how ashamed you were of yourself.

catalyst0435

Sep 7, 2009

Student Talk / Annie Dillard; What are peoples' opinions on her? [10]

I haven't read any of her other work, so I can't judge Dillard's global outlook on this. It seems to me that in Life on the Rocks, Dillard is quite clear in her thoughts on Darwinism, or at least neo-Darwinism, which today is the commonly accepted model of evolution.

"Lack of proof in [the fossil records] doesn't worry scientists. What neo-Darwinism seriously lacks, however, is a description of the actual mechanism of mutation in the chromosomal nucleotides. Neo-Darwinism also lacks, for many, sheer plausibility. The triplet splendors of random mutation, natural selection, and Mendelian inheritance are neither energies nor gods; the words merely describe a gibbering tumult of materials. Many things are unexplained, many discrepancies unaccounted for... So much for scientists.

She also says that a Lamarckist amendment to Darwinism would "solve many problems."

Social Darwinists and fundamentalist Christian backlash, in the following two passages, are considered the negative effects, the "unappealing responses" to this new paradigm of evolution.

catalyst0435

Sep 7, 2009

Student Talk / Challenges for Chinese to Study English [20]

Heh, it's funny: I'm a native English speaker who has been taking Chinese for the past three years and I think it's impossible :P Too hard to remember the differences between words that sound almost exactly the same.

To answer your last question... I'm afraid yes, some of these essays written by native Chinese speakers are quite error-ridden. But in my opinion, you are definitely on the right track when you bring up reading to improve writing. I think one of the best ways to familiarize yourself with English's seemingly endless list of sayings and idioms is to keep reading things that are printed for the ordinary English speaker, so you continue enriching your grasp of the vocabulary.

catalyst0435

Sep 7, 2009

Undergraduate / Northwestern University Transfer Essay [9]

I think something about being born at the university you're applying to is kind of neat to mention, but Boxin's has a point; it seems to imply that because you were born there, you were just meant to go there. As if you are one of those "few applicants" with that "luxury" that makes you a shoo-in.

So I'm ambivalent as to whether you want to use it. It is pretty cool, so if you rephrased it somehow...

Edit:

. Im trying to say that I was predestined to attend NW, but that is something about me that other transfers don't have.

I didn't see this before I posted.

No.

catalyst0435

Sep 7, 2009

Student Talk / Annie Dillard; What are peoples' opinions on her? [10]

The general consensus in my class is that everyone despises her writing, or at least this particular collection of essays. I'd probably be chuckled at for saying that I do sometimes find the connections she draws with her metaphors to be pretty cool. Sometimes. But at the same time, a lot of it is, to me, fluffy writing that (possibly due to a fault of my own) confuses me.

And yes, oh yes, most of these essays intensely religious. In one of her longer essays about her trip to the Galapagos, she allocates a good portion to a (misinformed) criticism of Darwinism. That section abandons her distinctive prose in favor of a blunt assault on evolution. It all seemed very out of place :(

I think there's a GoogleBook of Teaching a Stone to Talk, Sean. If you wanted to see what we're talking about. Total Eclipse and Sojourner are, in my opinion, the best essays in it.

catalyst0435

Sep 7, 2009

Undergraduate / 'Dominating sports' - Overcoming Obstacles: University of Michigan [3]

A strong and well-written essay that could do without the two choppy, obvious sentences at the beginning. Or you could make them parallel for a witty tone. "Sports have dominated much of my life. Injuries have dominated many of my sports." Ehhh, if only life didn't imply length of time, it could be quantified like sports...

I am a little concerned about what this whole experience says about you, though. I know spraining a joint or two here and there, and tearing a tendon every once in a while, is like a war wound to you athletes. But the number of times you mention suffering these major injuries may indicate poor judgment on your part. I can see myself asking, if I were a college reader, "Wouldn't this kid have played *more* on the field if he hadn't broken so much stuff trying to play more?"

catalyst0435

Sep 7, 2009

Undergraduate / "1...2...BOOM!"- Common app [9]

This essay has an attention-grabbing beginning, but it doesn't sustain the rest of the piece.

While a little history is always welcome as a backdrop to the rest of the essay, I think you need to spend more time on what your voracious reading has done for you recently. High-school recently. You've got too much here about book reports, The Magic Tree House, and early-age gifted programs. So it boils down to a bunch of supporting history that can only support what little you *tell* the reader about how much of a free thinker you are, now.

Oh, but the actual writing is quite good, and so is the story. I think some details could be cut down to afford room for more recent musings on where your reading has taken you.

catalyst0435

Sep 6, 2009

Undergraduate / 'Assisting others without compensation' - FSU Admissions [7]

That first paragraph is incredibly pretentious. Please make it sound less snobby and elitist. (You even use the words "elite individuals;" even though you're talking about the reader's school, I don't think he'll be charmed by the grandiose here).

It doesn't end with the intro. Some of your sentences are constructed with an arrogantly showy tone. Most of the times it's because of questionable word choice, which I can tell happened because you were trying to make yourself sound impressive:

Strength, Beauty, Character;: all of which I embody to a degree that advocates competence.

Even with the colon, I don't think you should have a fragment here. "Embody to a degree that advocates competence"? How does your embodiment advocate something, much less competence? How do you advocate competence? I can advocate for someone because they are competent, but to advocate competence is akin to saying good things are good. And to a degree?

school was merely a structure for me to amalgamate myself with the social hierarchy.

Into the social hierarchy... You're trying to say that you spent too much time at parties. What you ended up saying is you merged yourself with... a social hierarchy. You created a hybrid hierarchy+Adam structure. Perhaps you integrated yourself into the hierarchy, but even then, hierarchies are meant to be integrated into, and being identified with a particular set of people doesn't mean you have to slack off. So let's ditch the phrase altogether and just say that you put your social life before school, or you slacked off with your friends.

An acute lack of maturity was playing a big role in the solidification of an average future.

Your lack of maturity was probably chronic, not acute. It played a big role in the solidification of an average future? Or it tanked your grades.

It was then that I realized I needed an immediate alteration of my priorities.

You needed to change, or if you really want to use a big word, reevaluate your priorities.

I have shown the skill it takes to design a plethora of web site templates without lacking concept

Common misuse of the word plethora, which implies you have too much of something. If you've designed a plethora of web site templates, then you probably wasted your own time making so many. Also, I have no idea what "without lacking concept" means. You never stopped having concepts for new designs? That would explain why there are so many of them.

In an effort to sound rigid and professional, the essay becomes very unusual to read. I'll throw out a guess: Microsoft Office's thesaurus feature.

The essay itself has such stale content. You play sports and take honors classes, one of which being a Web Design program that you have homework in. It's no wonder you had to qualify the whole paragraph before hand with "the amount of skill" it takes to do these things. You should consider telling us more specifically about the challenges you overcome in Web Design or as a volunteer; that would make this essay more about your vires and mores, and less a story about your average day going to school and playing football.

catalyst0435

Sep 6, 2009

Writing Feedback / whether solving the problems needs understand the past? [9]

I know this is going to sound bad, but I've never read Hamlet. What does having a thousand Hamlets in a thousand peoples' eyes mean?

And to avoid the ban-hammer,
I notice a lot of instances in which you use the word "past" without the article "the," as in "the past." Just using "past" makes it a modifier.

Example:

Second, learning past can help people avoid unnecessary trouble.

should be
Second, learning about the past can help people avoid unnecessary trouble.

catalyst0435

Sep 6, 2009

Writing Feedback / MANYCOUNTRIES ARE ORGANISING INTERNATIONAL SPORTING EVENTS.DESCIBE PROS AND CONS [4]

Is it amusing or frustrating that you still capslocked your gratitude but not your essay?

You capitalize strangely in your essay. "Countries" shouldn' be capitalized. You don't capitalize football (which is correct), but you still capitalize cricket.

I don't know what the standards of IELTS are, but this essay needs a lot of grammar revision.
"The positive effects of these events that people from different countries..."
I don't even know how to classify that; it's missing an entire verb.
"The positive effects of these events are that people from different countries..."

There are a lot of run-on sentences, especially when you start to introduce examples to support your claim.
"... the other country progresses in the last twenty years, take example of India, some British people..."
Oh man.
"...the other countries have progressed in the last twenty years. Take, for example, India. Some British people... "

catalyst0435

Sep 6, 2009

Student Talk / Annie Dillard; What are peoples' opinions on her? [10]

What are peoples' opinions on her? I'm trying to finish the last 50 pages of Teaching a Stone to Talk in two days and I gotta say, it's killing me. Maybe I'm not an enlightened reader, because literary experts and whatnot love this woman, apparently.

So, my question: has anyone read her work, and if so, what do you think about it?

catalyst0435

Sep 6, 2009

Undergraduate / Participating in the regional science fair (Common App- Short Answer) [4]

The beginning sentence is unnecessary; it tells the reader what you're about to show them. Your elaboration of what science fair has done for you is a more active way to inform me that you've gained more knowledge here than anywhere else.

Formulating an experiment, alone, and conducting it was not easy

Why not?

"Culminated" is not the word to use here. If, in one fair, all the knowledge was culminated, then the knowledge grew so as to reach an apex during the fair. But I'm assuming no one was doing any more experiences during the actual fair; you're probably looking for "accumulated."

catalyst0435

Sep 5, 2009

Writing Feedback / iBTTOEFL essay - should university students take part-time jobs? [3]

You can combine the first two sentences. "More university students have part-time jobs on or off campus, a phenomenon that is provoking public concern."

The third sentence confuses me, mostly because there are no commas where there needs to be. "Skeptics argue that students should come to universities to study, not spend their time working all day."

I think when you write percents, you either write out the whole number and the word percent, or the numeral and the %-sign. So either 60% or sixty percent.

"The working environment is much like..."

Fourth paragraph's topic sentence is just a dependent clause, you need something to go with it. The sentence after it is confusing; it needs to be broken up.

"They become more confident in themselves..."

This essay is very good for the most part. There's a little too much structural redundancy (topic sentences repeating what is said in the introduction) for my taste, but I suspect that TOEFL essays are supposed to be this way. I barely have any idea what the TOEFL is, so I couldn't say. But all-in-all, I think it's a well thought-out essay that needs a bit of polish.

catalyst0435

Sep 5, 2009

Graduate / MBA behavioral essay: "Went beyond what was defined" [4]

I notice you've got a lot of "to be" verbs in your first paragraph. This goes towards what Liebe was saying, that your essay is written in such a stale manner. I feel like I'm reading a report you had to file on your project, not *yourself,* which is fundamentally what the readers are looking for.

The narration is so broad, and as Liebe said, feels like a timeline. However, I see you've made a bit more of an effort to show how unpopular your idea was, which is important. If you were to focus the narrative on a smaller moment in time when you were arguing for your idea against a majority, won it with some deft compromise, and then continued on to make your project a success, your essay would be more engaging and would better accentuate your ability to think outside the box, come up with a good compromise, and persist in the face of opposition.

catalyst0435

Sep 5, 2009

Writing Feedback / Making A Difference (to save the environment) [9]

I think what Simone's trying to say is that this isn't your ordinary, structured essay where your teacher makes you write a broad, "preview" of an introduction.

The difference here is that you're sending this off to someone who has to read a crapton of these things. If you've ever tried reading just several of these in one sitting, you'll know how tedious it is. A staunch, boring introduction harms not only the introduction itself, but the chance that the admissions reader won't just glaze through the rest of the essay because the intro was so disengaging. You gotta start out with a bang!

catalyst0435

Sep 5, 2009

Undergraduate / Piano; practicing a classical piece satisfies me, I can feel the tangible results of my improvement [9]

I think John's a guy-name, but I won't assume anything :)

I think you should alter the voice of the essay to feel a little more free. As it stands, the wording feels rigid and proper, which confuses me next to the spontaneity of improvisation.

catalyst0435

Sep 5, 2009

Undergraduate / "Becoming a knight" - Application Essay for UCF. [9]

The way you write it makes me believe that your experiences playing with doctor dolls was the groundwork for your passion to go into medicine. I don't think that's a great way to put it.

the burning desire that is embedded into my soul screams for me to minimize the pain and relieve any distress people suffer.

It's good you're trying to express your zeal for helping people, but juxtaposing your "burning" desire and soul's "screams" next to the pain and distress other people suffer from sounds a bit unusual.

catalyst0435

Sep 5, 2009

Undergraduate / Music, Libra, Science - Common App// Topic of Choice [16]

Rhetorical questions are questions made merely for a persuasive effect, and aren't meant to be literally answered. The question of your identity is probably not a rhetorical question!

As for "cultivation of your interests," I'm not sure cultivation is the right word, unless you mean you grew your interests, and that development of your interests define you. But I suspect you mean that your interests and activities, holistically, define who you are. In that case, I'd use "sum" or "aggregate" of your interests, not cultivation.

Also, while the act of realizing this epiphany did happen in the past, the truth of your realization is still true (at least, I hope so). Therefore, consider writing it in the present tense to emphasize the immutability of your epiphany.

I realized that I don't need to understand the intricacies of my personality. Rather, I am able to formulate my actions, as I came to understand that it is the cultivation of my interests that define who I am.

I'd also strike out ~~", I was able to formulate my actions, as"~~ . It makes the whole sentence awkwardly long, and is basically what you mean when you say it is your interests that make you you.

~~through my parent's excecrcising their authority.~~through my parents' strict authority

I really like the use of the transitive property; it works to make your essay feel powerful. But your in your Music is a Science paragraph, too little work is done actually supporting your claim that music is a science. The gist about the notes being variables and the melody being the result is something I don't buy because in an experiment, you don't actively change the variables or combine them to produce a desired result.

And just because I'm nitpicky, I wouldn't capitalize "science" in "Music is a Science." You didn't capitalize it anywhere else.

catalyst0435

Sep 4, 2009

Undergraduate / Folding Diseases (UVA Admissions Essay) [2]

Here's my draft of one of University of Virginia's supplement essays. I know I'll probably take flak about the introduction paragraph being unnecessary, so tell me what you think and I might cut it out. I also think I might have spent too much time describing the work of science instead of explaining how it surprised me, but I figured that the reader may not know what the work was, so an explanation was in order. I'd appreciate your opinions!

Prompt: What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way? (In half a page or roughly 250 words).

---

Insuperable problems have a knack for birthing avant-garde solutions. Necessity is the mother of invention, as they say, and a difficult necessity sometimes calls for a paradigm-shifting solution.

Take "folding diseases," for instance. These include well-known ailments like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, Huntington's, and half of known cancers in the world. The problems are attributed to improper folding of the astronomically complex amino-acid chains in our cells, folding so complex that no single computer could possibly simulate it. Stanford University's Pande lab realized not even the hundreds of computers on the campus combined could do it. What could? Millions of computers put together across the world.

Folding@home was born from this simple yet outlandish realization. Millions of people who suffer from debilitating diseases like Alzheimer's can be helped by millions of computer-owners worldwide. Each individual computer uses its spare idle time to process a piece of the puzzle and send it back. With the knowledge of proper and improper protein folding, over 40 published journal articles have been written directly from Folding@home's data.

When discovered Folding@home, I was startled by its implications. Folding@home's monumental findings represent an age in science and medicine of voluntary assistance from millions of people. The newest, most challenging puzzles humanity has ever faced now necessitate cooperative and multidisciplinary efforts: Huge corporations like Google and Intel, academic institutions like UVA's own Shirt lab, and dozens of skilled biologists, chemists, and programmers were key in just getting Folding@home working. The sheer technological computing power that the entire world cumulatively owns reminds us that everyone can do small things, like a computer's free time, to make the world better.

catalyst0435

Sep 4, 2009

Undergraduate / Applying to college after a 10 year absence; Non-traditional Student [5]

Firstly, this essay as a whole is really inspiring, and like Simone and Sean said, it's strong and pointed.

As for the conclusion, the problem as Sean pointed out is that you've already said that feel-good line, "Yes I will be there" in the second paragraph.

I suggest removing

"I gave a timid smile and replied, "Yes. I will be here." He grinned and nodded, "Good, good."

from the end of the second paragraph.
That way that paragraph ends on a slightly sad note, with just your mentioning of how it troubled you that you were not really a nurse yet.

Then in your conclusion, you can whip-out that line full-force! After the heartfelt journey you outlined to the reader, at the very end you could take him or her back to that moment with your patient.

The elderly man had asked me, "Will you be here for my follow up appointment, Nurse Tran?" I smiled confidently and told him, "Yes. I will be there."

catalyst0435

Sep 4, 2009

Undergraduate / Crippling an Insect (My Common App Essay) [9]

Thanks, I realize the last paragraph could be extraneous, and probably is given the negative response to it, so I removed it entirely. I might rewrite something, but I also think the last sentence of the second to last paragraph might be a suitable conclusion by itself.

As for the comment about the insignificance of the beetle compared to my mother, I thought about that for a while because from the start I wasn't sure what the beetle was going to symbolize. The beetle isn't as important as my mom, true, but I realize the beetle is more an appropriate analogy to myself in this story, the ability to take a blow (not cancer, but learning about a loved one's cancer) and roll with it. So to make that clearer, I added a short sentence in third-to-last paragraph.

I'm afraid I couldn't bring myself to delete the entireblock you struck, Liebe; I felt I'd be removing too much that wasn't said elsewhere. But I did cut some of it.

Without the last paragraph and some of the stuff Liebe identified, I've cut about 100 words from the essay, so it sits at 655 now.

I want to thank everyone for the time they put into this thread, and I feel bad posting another revision to be looked at.

catalyst0435

Sep 4, 2009

Writing Feedback / Critique my essay; American Sports : Sportsmanship or to win at any cost [12]

Sports is not considered activity anymore.

Noun/verb agreement please.

Whether ~~its~~it's golf or football , itsports can be watched live by millions around the world.

I don't know if it's a rule, but since you use a pronoun in the dependent clause "Whether it's golf or football," you should have the antecedent "sports" (or "athletics" or whatever) in the independent clause.

~~I believe this idea is prevailing in American sports. Due to which every now and then we observe aggressive and unethical behavior of players.~~This philosophy prevails in American sports, manifested in frequent aggressive and unethical behavior in players today.

The reader knows that you "think" what you're saying, so I don't think there's a problem with just asserting your belief without the disclaimer "I think," which can weaken your statement. The second sentence was a fragment.

Arguing with referee is also seen during matches, interesting enough this is only when the decision is against the team or player otherwise they dont care what is fair and right.

This paragraph doesn't flow with the rest of your essay; it's in the middle of nowhere, and while it's supporting evidence, it isn't expounded on well enough to deserve a whole new paragraph.

There are more grammatical errors that you should weed out. But in general, I think you may be just grazing part of the prompt, which asks you to tell why you feel this particularly philosophy is prevalent today. You almost mention it when you say "this kind of disruptive behavior come up when winning is all you want," and you have a wonderful platform to begin this discussion with the story of Alex Rodriguez, and his "enormous pressure to perform and to prove his worth."

Your last paragraph tell us what you'd do to change this condition, but that isn't asked of you in the prompt. I'm not sure whether or not you should keep it, though. But I am pretty sure that if you devote as many words as you do exposing the prevalent philosophy to telling us why this condition exists, your essay would meet the prompt better.

catalyst0435

Sep 4, 2009

Undergraduate / Crippling an Insect (My Common App Essay) [9]

You're probably right, that the predictability harms the essay in the long run. What should I edit out (put in?) to make things less predictable? I realize that the story of hardship and conquering may be trite, but I'm having trouble making things more unique.

catalyst0435

Sep 4, 2009

Undergraduate / "America's Best Colleges" guide - UCF Admissions Essay Help? [16]

Your teacher told you it was a great essay. Then you posted the essay on these forums, presumably to get more opinions. If the goal was to get more opinions, then you should be prepared to get some criticism from other people; otherwise, why post an already lauded essay?

At any rate, the prompt is to explain why you want to go to UCF. I feel that you've listed three weak reasons: you read it in a magazine article, you visited the campus, and Disneyland.

If you would talk more about the things you like about UCF you saw on your campus tour, or something specific they offer the student body, you could have a better essay.

Oh, and in general, while I haven't been here long, I've seen that criticism on this board can be hard or jolting, but it's almost always really good, and if you can get over the initial blow to your pride, the advice offered is some of the most useful stuff you'll find.

catalyst0435

Sep 4, 2009

Undergraduate / UMichigan, diversity and how you can contribute; Spring Festival in China [5]

You picked a good experience to write about, and I think the essay is fundamentally solid.

That lets me get a little nit-picky about smaller details.

Silence for three seconds.

I don't think the narrative preceding this sentence is engaging enough to allow a fragment here.

In stead

. One word, not two.

delicate dish

Maybe delicate isn't the right word. I never perceived dumplings as particularly delicate, even if they are made in a diverse manner.

Alluding back to the dumplings by saying your "own flavor" in the last paragraph is neat, but made too obvious with the inclusion of "just like the dumplings I made." In my opinion, metaphors shouldn't be made in-your-face obvious, but more delicate :P

If you changed the second paragraph to say "different flavors" instead of "different tastes," and then wrote in your last paragraph:

...and a different way of thinking, I can add my own flavor to University of Michigan's unique palette.

Or something like that.

catalyst0435

Sep 4, 2009

Undergraduate / "one week to compensate for 7 years of absence" - UF Topic [11]

I think it's a great narrative of your visit to Cuba, but I feel it has a hard time connecting back to what quality makes you a good college student.

The message can be found - that you will work hard because you know you have an opportunity that others do not. But besides the vague, unexplained, and rather cliche reference to "Carpe diem," only your short last paragraph really sums up the quality you earned, and it seems to do so in a very rushed and unfulfilled way. With a fleshed out conclusion, I think your visit to Cuba would be a strong experience to write about.

catalyst0435

Sep 4, 2009

Undergraduate / Fascinated by the business world (Ryerson essay) [5]

Is there a prompt for this essay?

I ask because your essay sounds like an autobiography of all the small details in your life that relate to business. Some things like reading newspaper articles or TV features on business-related topics, or holding a part-time job (most "jobs" can be considered a business...) aren't incredibly impressive.

Is there a certain thing you did that describes the "great fascination" you mention, or something powerful you've witnessed that could believably be awe-inspiring enough to establish the fascination?

I also agree; the last paragraph makes your motives sound very self-serving, a much different objective than what you previously identified (advancing society and giving people jobs and such). Maybe you should talk less about how Ryerson will give YOU the finest education, or ensure YOUR future as a business marvel, and more about what you plan to do with that success.

But if the prompt is to go over the factors in your life that have led you to your decision, the essay could conceivably be okay, which is why I ask what the prompt is.

catalyst0435

Sep 3, 2009

Undergraduate / Crippling an Insect (My Common App Essay) [9]

Thanks for the advice. After thinking about it, I definitely agree that the temporal changes were confusing. I've cut out 25% of the essay and limited it only to the event in question (moving to Virginia), and the beetle. I've also changed the sentence that Liebe didn't find smooth.

As for the ending, I'll start writing a different ending and see if I like it more, but my reasoning behind the rather grim one was to show that like the beetle, I would put 100% into whatever goal no matter how difficult it seems.

Revised version:
...

catalyst0435

Sep 3, 2009

Undergraduate / describe the world you come from (UC personal statement) [3]

Hey Rusty, this is my first reply on these forums, but I hope I can help.
Your essay has a strong message that explores many deep questions about the way peoples' personalities are formed through long-term conditioning of their surroundings. I also believe that the complexity of the topic you tackle is impressive.

However, the essay has several grammatical errors, and needs a full edit. I've put the first few that I found below, but hopefully my suggestions will help you out with the rest of the essay.

"depending on what kind of enviornment we live in, good or bad."
Environment is misspelled, and the sentence is a run-on. "...we live in: good or bad" I think would be better

"I beg to differ, the way I see it, With the more bad..."
Another run-on. "I beg to differ; the way I see it" or "I beg to differ. The way I see it." Also, "with" should not be capitalized.

"With the more bad enviornments come better life experience."
I believe this should be revised to either "With bad environments can come better life experiences" or "With a bad environment can come a better life experience."

"Or as many people like to call it in present times 'to have street smarts'"
The sentence itself is a fragment. Since there's no comparison to what people said before, I don't think "in present times" is necessary. Before the quotation mark you need a comma, and at the end of the quote you need a period.

catalyst0435

Sep 3, 2009

Undergraduate / Crippling an Insect (My Common App Essay) [9]

- Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

I just drafted this tonight; it's based on my very recent experiences moving. I was hoping for a narrative-style feel with a metaphorical effect, but I'll let you guys judge that :P I fear it may be too long (997 words). I also am concerned that the basic idea may be stale.

I appreciate any comments and critiques, and thank everyone in advance for spending the time to look through my essay.

---

I crippled a tiny insect yesterday. It was a small, brightly colored beetle skittering across the unforgiving terrain of my keyboard with surprising speed. I struck it with a magazine and then witnessed the crippled, tiny insect curl up inside the shallow cradle made by a key. Beetles aren't sentient, but I felt the bug was experiencing his last seconds of life leak out of him like the fluids leaking out of his wrecked shell. I sympathized.

I had been where the beetle was now. One day my mother, turning around from her cooking to cough violently, told me her doctors had found a lingering pleural effusion. I should have known better than to hope it wasn't that. Lung cancer doesn't happen to just anyone, does it? I found out two weeks later that it does.

Hope is unquenchable, a fire indiscriminately sucking air. Though as relentless and resilient as a fire is, when it's entirely smothered, it dies. My situation seemed hopeless, like a fire dying. A five-person home in Northbrook, IL couldn't survive with its sole breadwinner in the hospital, receiving palliative chemotherapy. My sophomore year did not end on a high note; I could not escape the inevitable: A few hours after the very last class of the year, my belongings and I were squeezed into the backseat, traveling to Virginia where my unfamiliar father and stepmother could take me in. I despaired.

That sad, crippled beetle had no escape. The shortest escape route was an impossibly epic journey. The beetle's time was up; his movements were becoming progressively less aggressive, less frequent. He was slipping into the hopeless void called despair, where time is dilated and nothing but the most present agony is perceived as lasting forever.

Riding toward the east-coast in that backseat, I tallied how many hits I had taken. I was going into a strange new place, stripped of my friends, my family, and seemingly, my opportunities. The personal jacket I had built up at my old school - a member of the prestigious Glenbrook Academy for International Studies, a rising policy-debater, a leader to many friends and teammates - were being left behind. And my mom was dying.

But the beetle surprised me. I was so sure the pathetic curling of its legs was an omen of imminent death. But in fact, as I turned back to view a crushed bug, I saw a proud beetle making its getaway! The limping arthropod, with its cracked shell, its bruised and bloodied insides, and its foe staring right at him, was hobbling off the keyboard to safety.

Somewhere along the line, a realization became plain as day to me. I remembered my mom and envisioned her own pain. Who was really crippled? I couldn't save her, but I could make her proud. Opportunities I thought were lost were merely permuted. Junior year became my high-school career's finest hour. We took our problems, that beetle and I, and made it our struggle to carry on.

People with no predisposition, no precedent for suffering, still somehow suffer in our absurd world. The beetle had no gripe with me. My mother never smoked or had a family history of cancer. I couldn't save her, but if I were a doctor, I could save others who encounter similar fates. When I settled into my new Virginian room, as cold and foreign to me as the beetle likely found my keyboard, I resolved not to die quietly with nothing to show for my life.

I survived the move because I realized survival is inadequate. I insist to exist for a distinct purpose. Despair missed an ember the day I moved: the hope that I can make my short existence meaningful and worth living by helping others. That ember grew into my strongest fire. Death became just a time-limit, before which I have to fit in as much hard work and meaningful existence as possible.