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Posts by ditoaji
Name: Dian Istanto
Joined: Sep 8, 2017
Last Post: Sep 22, 2017
Threads: 5
Posts: 7  
Likes: 2
From: Indonesia
School: Sriwijaya University

Displayed posts: 12
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ditoaji   
Sep 22, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 (Both Views of Blood Sport on Animals) [3]

Topic : Blood sport have become a hot topic for debatable in recent years. As society develops it is increasingly seen as an uncivilized activity and cruel to the helpless animals that are killed. All blood sports should be banned.

Discuss both view and give your opinion.


effects of sport



Some believe that killing animals in a sport involving bloodshed is an indefensible and extremely unpleasant attitude.Since the large number of games have grown rapidly, developed communities paid more attention to this debatable topic. A majority of them claimed that all of such sports should be banned.It is rather excessive to several people's opinion that animals battle seems against its right for cruel act and owner's pleasure. On the other hands, it seems to have a beneficial impact on a few of societies.

Blood competition may cause animals suffering from dying or even bring death to those helpless animals at the end. A pet fights a losing battle to beat its foe, such as cockfighting games.Once animal wins, it also means lose out due to the fact that this animal are losing a lot of blood.In fact, the suffering can be prolonged and unnecessary after the game ends.Beyond that, owners will keep them training before the next game. This behavior may continue to give harm to both of people and also the animal owing to the fact that such sport does not consider the animals right indeed.

Turning to other arguments in which claim that bloody sport involving domesticated-animals has a beneficial impact on society like dog hunting. A group of dogs are trained to catch wild animal that some of them usually distract farmers cultivation.They tend to argue that hunting with dog is essential and not cruel because it eventually helps them by protect their field from endanger animals.

To sum up,society may came up with the idea of banning sport games while some propose its opposite.As seen in the natural act of some society (farmers),they use pets on purpose for no reason on their pleasure, this can be an evidence that such sport is allowed. However, another one will have a detrimental effect on animals and people's mental in the future, so that such game should be banned.
ditoaji   
Sep 21, 2017
Writing Feedback / Reasons and solutions for wasting food [4]

Hi Lin.
Here is a bit suggestion of your essay, it may helps.
gives rise = ( rise collocate only with make) mass production makes rise to the imbalance between supply and demand.
Peoplebuy a huge amount of agricultural produce and raw meat = double verbs
Last underlying cause is people buy food because they want, not for their requirements =Last underlying cause is that people buy food as many as they want, but nor for their requirement.
ditoaji   
Sep 18, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Debatable Issue of Genetic Engineering [5]

Topic :
Genetic engineering is one of the issue in modern society. Some people think that it will improve people's live in many ways. Other feel that it may be a threat to life on earth.

Discuss both view and give your opinion.


genetics in human life



Considering the number of possible impacts on modifying genes, today's communities start debating about this topic. While an improvement is believed by some, others likely argue to this as it would threaten the future. World's livestock and availability of foods would be a major breakthrough but neither safety factor nor environmentally aspect of its several products.I personally agree that the method offers several benefits to people under a certain condition.

Investment in science and technology has now improved modern people's quality of live.

The presence of transferred genes is one of the best example of this. Practically, people enjoy living under a large number of livestock owing to the fact that genetic engineering reduces time of animals and plants productivity. As seen in early twenties centuries Australia successfully gives a remedy to a problem of give-birth cows in mostly cattle farms using cloning method.Furthermore,a typical of difficult cultivation produces seedless watermelon could be a possible benefits, in addition to fulfill the huge number of market demands.However, do those product considered both healthy aspect and environmental damages in the future?

A majority of people come up against with healthy and environment issue. Citizens tend to be more concern about keeping their body fit by consuming organic dietary than those whose genes are mostly modified so that council should provide the agreement of the legal products.Initially,the letter of commodity is authorized and signed up by the government within safety labels at the end.Another pivotal role is environment in which many genetic engineering may use the tremendous amount of chemical substances to fertilize the plantation. This attitude inevitably would pay substantial damages to crops on earth as the soil is no longer prolific.

To sum up, a debatable issue with regard to the usage of genetic engineering in technology for providing more foods may cost harmful to the world. This is because the method offers many dangerous possibilities on people's health and environment.However, government could give this technology access to people around the world safely to register a legal authorization on the product, so that the advantages remain the rest.
ditoaji   
Sep 14, 2017
Writing Feedback / Easiest way getting good grades: organizing ourselves and our time, being active in the class [4]

Hi Nuraya,

As far as i know that academic writing requires us to make a short conclusion and not to come up with a new idea in conclusion body. It seems that your paraphrasing and summarizing skills are needed.

In the first sentences of your first, second and third body paragraphs you have presented main idea but not the topic sentence and your thesis statement.

I think it should be as follow :

First and foremost, we have to organize all of our studying activities. (First and foremost, Having well-organized of all studying activities may helps students getting a better score. ( Despite writing the subject "we" in academic style, it is good to put the writer views out of the essay)

Also as introductory you may write short main ideas, so does in conclusion statement without any additional main idea, just summarize and paraphrase from the previous body paragraph.
ditoaji   
Sep 13, 2017
Scholarship / "New beginning, new HOPE" The KGSP Personal Statement essay [3]

Hi Jimmy :

Here is my little review on your essay, hoping this may help you.
Try making it descriptive.

When i was a kid, my father took me visiting his friend whom working in the industrial city of Giad.Never did i amazed by those heavy machines or its production but the engineers ability dealing with design, develops, manufacture and every single plan process which being install accurately and smoothly were the most captivating eyed-sight of mine. Up to that point, i had been passionate to be an engineer in the future and since then that was my purpose in life.

I do believe that engineers are problem-solvers owing to the fact that the reasonable motives why i choose to be a Mechanical Engineer in order to come up with today's problems and make a better tomorrow.
ditoaji   
Sep 13, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Job Vacancies Restriction in Many Countries [4]

Topic: job vacancies in many countries are restricted in a group of productive age, should it be a positive or negative way of development.

difficulties on employment



Many of people suffered from a financial problems owing to the fact that today's world offered difficulties on employment. This condition is even worsen to some communities of unproductive-aged after many countries not to let them finding a job.Both children and elderly over 55 are financially restricted in being jobless and living under economical-challenging circumstance. While many society around the world think that it seems the positive way of prosperity acceleration, only some of them argue to the opposite sides. However, were it not for governments dealing with any better occasion for children and pensions, I would personally agree to whom saying this is a possible opportunities to have a beneficial impact on developments.

While today's world eventually faced by numerous challenging factors such as health and environment, neither younger or elder people are not allowed looking for a job due to the fact that many governments carries on a recent prohibition policy to those aged-group of people.The question do governments now ready enough for future difficult situations which would appear because of this policy.Everyone needs income to fulfill their daily needed. Children taking a job for many possibilities (extra money or educational motives). A better educational systems may leads to focus on particular subject and stimulate those younger teenage not to be employed before graduated.

Another possible drawbacks why this policy is not suitable in many countries is highly likely an expenditure for personal health which is higher more and more year by year.Do governments provide any sufficient supporting-funding on public health facilities or insurance account budget.Take Third World Countries as an example, the presence of hospital remains deadlock over its growing-number. Having consider about those empty preparation did governments supposes to deal with,I personally agree that employment restriction in them is not fit in several countries.

In conclusion, a step forward that some people believed might not be happen as long as governments do not provide both children and elder people over 55+ a better occasion regarding to their education and healthy issue.
ditoaji   
Sep 12, 2017
Writing Feedback / We are living in the world of highly-educated people [5]

Hi Harry,

... due to a large numbers ...
... with all the changes, the various working environment environments and the well-advanced technology.
... restricted to the a very best ...
.., such accessment assessment is entirely unjustifiable unjustified and (...) it should be available to a large propotion of youngsters available to youngsters on a large proportion.

Suggestion : learn more how to put an article, a/an, the or - then should you best to read up the way how to write in academic style.
ditoaji   
Sep 12, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Tas 1 (The Total Value of Fish Including Its Comparison of Imported-Countries) [4]

values of fish imported to the US



The table describes how value of fish grew in the US (measured in Billion of dollar) and the pie charts compare the proportion of several countries which exported those source. Both of surveyed-diagram present data from 1988 to 2000.

It is clearly shown on the table that fish had values for more than 6.5 billion of dollars in the initial year. By the following 4 year, the number had risen to around 8.5 then grew continually until the end of the period-given, accounted for well above 10.5 billion of dollar in 2000.In the other word, an increasing values itself was about 65% over 14 year-period.

A part from the comparison above, the pie charts showed Canada dominated the imported-fish in America in 1988, 60% of all the exported-countries. Yet in the end of the 2000 the figure for other countries and china took over the domination of Canada in term of imported-fish to America. The former rose to 42% and the latter calculated 30% while Canada saw a gradual dropped to 28%.

Overall, the values of imported-fish in the US experienced an upward trend in all period. Meanwhile, regarding to the exported-fish countries,Canada was initially the largest imported-fish delivered to America, but showed a decline to more than halve in the end of period. However, other countries and China saw a considerable growth in 14 year period and dominated in 2000.




ditoaji   
Sep 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / Family - Men or Women take responsibility in raising children [3]

In introduction you did not present any thesis statement, so that the paragraph seemed weak without proposing some short topic ideas that you have eventually brought on the following body.

Even though the first agreement (introduction paragraph) owing to a certain position, the new idea in paragraph 4 possibly distract the original idea of you. By this i mean, you stated to fully agree with mother plays a more important role than men, but in paragraph 4 the arguments outweigh this view. In my opinion, once you says a fully agreement, do not mix with another weakened-idea.
ditoaji   
Sep 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 (Population of people using different languages online) [3]

online languages populations



A comparison of various languages due to a survey in 2001 to its growing-population per year is illustrated in the chart and on the table.
Overall, English dominated online network while only a minority of all users communicated verbally through 3 different other European languages. Moreover, the total number of world-wide user grew significantly over 4 year-period.

In 2001, surveyed-people accounted for more than 40% using English to share information via internet, while Portuguese, Dutch, and French were only hovering at around 2 to 3% of all population.Although the number of the user in Korean languages were about 4.5% , other Asian languages- Japanese, calculated less than two fold and Chinese was close behind. A more detail, both Spanish and German is used at approximately 6.5% and the rest proportion was the figure of other languages.

A part from previous comparison, only 1.8% of world population was using internet as their communication media in the initial year, in 1997.This number increased dramatically over the following five year to more than 8% in August 2001. Up to this point, online-connection had had around 500 (in million) users globally.In addition to this, the first one year-period was the fastest growing number of total population, it was twice as many as its user in 1997.

Please kindly review this writing.
Thank you.




ditoaji   
Sep 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / [TASK 2] Being friends with colleagues or not? [4]

While some claim that making being friends with individuals they who do not work (...) argue that the profession that a professional employee person may chooses choose can to offer them both financial ...

... should be built with in people who ...
... help them to resolve ...
... advice from a friend who is a child psychologist (it seems weak).
... employees have difficult to work in harmony (...), it seems challenging for them to maintain purely true friendships purely.
... not employed in by the same firm, (...) unexpectedly unexpected competition at work in terms of as to whether itschances for ...
ditoaji   
Sep 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / [Task 1] The information on the percentage of people who went to cinema in UK [3]

... age groups shows showed a gradual increase during the give period period-given,...

In 1990, almost Most of thepeople in theUK (...) were dominated by in the aged-group of ...
... people over 34 percentage of people who went to the cinema was approximate approximately 40% for each group, while the this percentage of ...
..., the proportion of all four groups had increased slightly to by 2-3% before falling fell back, hit the lowest point of to the lowest point in the whole all the line-groups graph in 2000. However, the percentage of all four each groups remained were above 10%.

During the period from 200 to 2010 From 2000 onward, (...) in the percentage proportion of people (...) in four all age-groups.
... attendees was also (also, refer to?) dominated by the age (aged)-group of 44-54. (More than)Over 50% people between 44 and 54 going to cinema went to the cinema were between 44 and 54, while but this the number of percentage in the age of teenager were about 20%.
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