hphuc123
Jul 30, 2018
Writing Feedback / The pollution of water in rivers, lakes and seas - Writing task 2 IELTS. [4]
Hey, answer for answer here :) Although you complimented on my writing style, i think yours is also pretty decent! Here are some of my suggestions:
- the contamination ofunderwater ground water in many lakes, rivers or even the ocean (the question states lakes, rivers and seas so not underground water)
- is extremely a concern for human being
This sounds weird...Maybe you tried to reverse the place of sentence components to give it some favour but failed... Maybe you can write "is extremely concerning for human beings"
- as the most serious issue to the water
"issue" is a problem. Your paraphrasing of "cause" is incorrect here; try replacing that with "pollutant"
- As the rapid development of industry, especially after the Industrial Innovation in the 19th century
Try replacing "As" with "Due to" or "Alongside"; "As" is grammatically incorrect, i think
- ... neglected by the governments
You're not mentioning specific governments and you haven't talked about them before
- As a result, the toxic chemical ...
It is not a consequence of what you said in the previous sentence. Maybe replace that with "This is because the toxic chemicals, when they are absorbed by the soil, can be readily washed out by rain and later flow into streams and lakes."
Try inserting "and" or a phrase that denotes the relationship between 'vast number of dead fish and shrimps floated in the sea" and "many local people were unemployed"
-... population will lackof clean water
- ... worry for people, because of its ...
The same structure as above. I still think this sounds unnatural. Also remove that unnecessary comma.
Overall, your essay is of excellent quality, despite some errors i mentioned above. You displayed an extensive vocabulary, as well as relevant information and statistics. Note that the examiner is not likely to confirm that your example is proved or not, so making up statistics might not be penalised, unless they are so weird. Maybe you did some research prior to or while writing this, but you can not do any researches in the real test.
Hey, answer for answer here :) Although you complimented on my writing style, i think yours is also pretty decent! Here are some of my suggestions:
- the contamination of
- is extremely a concern for human being
This sounds weird...Maybe you tried to reverse the place of sentence components to give it some favour but failed... Maybe you can write "is extremely concerning for human beings"
- as the most serious issue to the water
"issue" is a problem. Your paraphrasing of "cause" is incorrect here; try replacing that with "pollutant"
- As the rapid development of industry, especially after the Industrial Innovation in the 19th century
Try replacing "As" with "Due to" or "Alongside"; "As" is grammatically incorrect, i think
- ... neglected by
You're not mentioning specific governments and you haven't talked about them before
- As a result, the toxic chemical ...
It is not a consequence of what you said in the previous sentence. Maybe replace that with "This is because the toxic chemicals, when they are absorbed by the soil, can be readily washed out by rain and later flow into streams and lakes."
Try inserting "and" or a phrase that denotes the relationship between 'vast number of dead fish and shrimps floated in the sea" and "many local people were unemployed"
-... population will lack
- ... worry for people, because of its ...
The same structure as above. I still think this sounds unnatural. Also remove that unnecessary comma.
Overall, your essay is of excellent quality, despite some errors i mentioned above. You displayed an extensive vocabulary, as well as relevant information and statistics. Note that the examiner is not likely to confirm that your example is proved or not, so making up statistics might not be penalised, unless they are so weird. Maybe you did some research prior to or while writing this, but you can not do any researches in the real test.